What OCD Is Like (for Me) 

"Am I actually the captain of this ship I call myself?" - This is such a good quote that relates to so many mental illnesses.

"People with mental illnesses can still get treated and live full and vibrant lives" Can someone please help me believe that?

Ocd is to be strangled by a thought! What a perfect description of this condition I recognise it so well in myself.

I'm a veteran, was actually addicted to alcohol and cigarettes. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Got diagnosed with OCD. Not until my wife recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Much respect to mother nature the great magic shrooms.

"I don't feel like my mental illness has any superpower side effects." As a creator with depression and anxiety, I feel this so much. So. So. Much. Looking forward to the new book. DFTBA.

There is hope, even if your brain tells you otherwise. Depression lies.

As a person with an often misunderstood mental illness, I love this video. ADHD isn't what it is in most media. It's your brain firing so quickly that when you talk to someone you can't slow down or you'll lose what you're saying. It's not realizing that you're yelling when you think you're calm. It's a constancy of "can you repeat that?" and "sorry i had to say this now" and "wait was that impolite?", but it's so much more that just not being able to concentrate. It's hyperfocus. It's reading Harry Potter in the space of a month at the age of six. It's finishing a book, needing to pee and lightheaded, and realizing 8 hours had gone past without you knowing. It's obsessive thought spirals. It's fixation on one possibility that makes it wholly impossible to do anything else. It's compulsion. It's not being able to put a paper napkin in your lap without shredding it to pieces, or not being able to let a bug bite heal because you need to constantly be picking at your skin. It's always knowing what's going on with the things you care about, but not being able to remember to brush your teeth in the morning It's your whole family thinking you're rude because you could never get the hang of keeping your voice down and letting others talk because you have something important to say and you need to say it now. It's depression and anxiety. It's a year straight of constant crying. It's your first relationship ending because you didn't know how to convey what was going on during your panic attacks and what is and isn't okay. It's having a 102 test average and a 16.7 homework average because one hour means you can get everything done but 16 means you won't do it. It's submitting essays that are either 5 pages of perfect argument on one little thing or barely meeting requirements for a topic covering a whole book.

There is so, so, so much hope. Really and truly, there is. I was ten years old when I was diagnosed with OCD that was so severe, I couldn't really function. I was so afraid of "ruining" experiences or periods of my life that I constantly thought, "If I don't shower perfectly, I'll ruin this day," or, "If I don't run my hand along the back of every chair in this classroom, I'll ruin my next class." I did CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) for about a year and a half, and I still take medication every day. Now I'm sixteen. I still consider myself to have OCD, but it doesn't really affect my daily life any more. I take medication and have mild to moderate anxiety, but I no longer cry in the bath because I'm not washing my hair "the right way" and I no longer have hoarding behaviors. I have amazing friends, a high GPA, and I'm pretty happy. Please seek help; it absolutely transformed my life. And John, thank you so very much for talking honestly about OCD and for writing a teenaged character with the illness. I absolutely cannot wait to read TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN.

"There is hope, even if your brain tells you there isn't." Such a great reminder. Thanks John. (Also thanks for answering my question of how to pronounce "Aza.")

It disgusts me when people say they have OCD just to be edgy. Or any other mental issues like being bipolar for example. Idiots. Mental illnesses are not to be glorified and are serious disability's that some unfortunate people have to experience. I wish you the best with your OCD.

I was diagnosed with a mild version of OCD this year as well. Therapy helped a TON, probably the best decision I made this year. 10/10 recommend. Let's break the stigma on mental health and seek help if we need to! ✨🌟 Dftba!

I watched a gross scary video four years ago and for a long time I thought about it every day, practically every minute I wasn't distracting. it felt so silly and pointless but I was terrified of the thoughts and I couldn't stop and I had no idea what was happening. it took me a long time to look for help, and even longer to find a coping strategy that worked for me. I'm honestly only just now considering the idea that I might have OCD because my case would be so...bizarre. there are other things I've obsessed over, but that has been the absolute worst so far. but watching stuff like this, where someone talks about their experience with OCD that leans strongly towards the Obsessive, it makes me feel a bit less uncertain. a lot of it tracks so strongly with my experience. I think that's probably really important, so thanks.

Am I the captain of this ship I call "myself"? That's scary..... man, I'm super anxious for John's new book (bet will be great)

Last time I was this early, there were turtles only part of the way down 🐢

I always called them cycles, instead of spirals, due to their repetitive nature. Even if you 'resolve' the problem, that thought will always creep back in....

As a person with a sibling that has OCD , I hate when people ask if it's okay to touch them and if they hate germs. It gets on my nerves Germophobia ISNT OCD. In some or many cases these metal conditions might come in a couple. But I think it's ignorant not to talk about OCD casually like "omg my OCD is kicking in" when you cleaning or organizing something. If youre curious or hesitant about the topic, ask a person with experience or do some research rather than jumping to conclusions son this might be insensitive.

wow. I completely agree now when people say don't joke around saying "haha I'm so ocd" I had no idea it could be so much mental torture 24-7. Sorry dude, thanks for putting this video out there man

Caution, I am talking about my experience with OCD in detail. The thing with having OCD and tumbling down into a thought spiral - for me at least - is, that I begin to wonder if I AM my thoughts. If those intrusive thoughts define in any way who I am and if they aren't maybe the way they are because of some fault in my character. For me, I sometimes have the thought of doing disgusting things, like sticking my head into a garbage can. Not because I particularly want to. In fact, some of those thoughts make me physically gag, but I sometimes wonder if it's because I am a gross and disgusting person by nature. I KNOW that this is not it, but I think it adds another layer of horror to thought spirals. The fear that this somehow means something about you, even if you would never act out on those things and never have, you obsess about: But what IF? What if I do? Whatif I go up to that garbage can and lick it in front of everyone? And then this becomes the new thought spiral: Who am I really? Also, I obsess about my physical health in very much the same way John describes his fear about eating contaminated food. I see a mole and wonder if it may be cancerous. And then I find myself googling those things, staring at the mole and fearing for imminent death. Also, yes. There are the rituals people portray on TV. For me it's clenching my hand into a fist for every corner in the room. Once, twice, and the bad thing you are scared about won't happen. But, oh well. While I am doing it, I know it won't change a thing. This is an exhausting waste of time, but I just am afraid to stop. I am better at the moment. I sleep well, I function normally. I sometimes have an intrusive thought but I am able to shoo it away mostly. Because of therapy. I went to therapy one and a half years ago and my sessions have reached their end. I can only advice anyone to do the same. They have helped immensely. I often find myself astonished by how normal I feel. Please, Please never give up, if you are mentally ill. I know that it can feel like this is everything you are, but it's not. And you're obsessions and intrusive thoughts say nothing about you as a person. Everyone(!) has them and our mental illness just makes us think differently and worry easier than other people. Good luck and much love to anyone out there

John, you have no idea how happy I am about your new book being about a 16 year old girl with OCD, since that's literally me. We probably won't have the same intrusive thoughts, but it's still so great to me that one of my favorite authors has written a book about something so important to me. Can't wait to read it ♥

i'm a sixteen-year-old girl with OCD. it doesn't manifest in outward compulsions usually, just a lot of mental ruminating and various mental rituals i have to calm myself down. thank you for writing something like this. i'm totally going to buy it, and if i like it a lot, i could potentially show my mum to give her a better understanding of it. so, again, thank you so much !

John, you are the reason I sought help for my bi-polar disorder and I will never be able to thank you enough for that. Medication helps. Therapy helps. Being open and honest about how you feel helps. I hope this helps someone else.

I have a VERY similar form of OCD to you, John, and this is probably the first time I've seen someone with such a similar version of it talk openly about it, so thank you so, so much for that. I worry about my food and my health ALL the time. I've tried explaining it to people as "my mind shouts at me that I'm going to die" but apparently that's not a good description to help people understand? idk. But it does really feel like there's two tracks of thoughts happening at the same time: one obsessive one that keeps shouting the same thing, and one softer track that's just trying to calm the other one down and hopefully get some things done. It's a constant battle, and it's incredibly exhausting. I do have the excessive handwashing thing, though I'm getting better at it! But I'm mostly getting better at it because I often used hand sanitizer when outside and I had obsessive thought spirals about not letting it dry enough and accidentally ingesting it and killing off all the germs inside me and then dying from that. So. Yeah. There's that. But I'm learning! I also have a couple of rules that have really helped so far. One of them is a googling-illnesses-ban for life. I've literally banned myself from googling symptoms and "what happens if-" questions about health. I can only look up diseases I'm 100% sure I don't have, like very specific and weird and obscure things I would've known about by now. (Final also, before anyone tells me to get help: I have had help, I've actually just finished therapy like a month ago, and though I'm not doing amazingly great, I'm doing much better than a couple of years ago, and I'm doing well enough to be able to manage on my own most of the time.)

I was recently diagnosed with OCD, and so I’ve been watching a lot of videos on other people’s experiences with OCD. And I’ve started to realize that I’ve done these things MY ENTIRE LIFE and didn’t think it was ocd because I don’t excessively wash my hands or clean/organize everything. Yet I have the SAME obsessions/compulsions you’re describing and I have my entire life. It just solidifies the diagnosis for me and after several other diagnoses, this one finally feels right and I feel like I can move on and begin to heal.

Thank you, John. I have Rumination OCD, with subcategories of Perfectionistic, Existential, and Moral OCD. I compulsively research like you John, but not about being poisoned, but the moral objectives required of being a good person. Deontology rules my life, often at a high cost, and I’m constantly avoiding any media culture war taglines for the sake of my sanity. My Existential OCD never lets me rest from the theological debates between Atheism & God, determinism/free agency, Nihilism & Absurdist thinking. Perfectionistic OCD requires me, at the tortured expense of a more conscious version of myself, to constantly contact my ex-girlfriend to break up with me in the RIGHT way, or to “fix” the relationship. Heartbreak is 100,000,000 times worse when triggering OCD, because the intrusive thought is one of the most painful feelings ever. And it never leaves. During heartbreak specifically, I reached a point BELOW suicide. My OCD made me care enough about my failed relationship to not kill myself, but all I would beg to the ER therapist is, “to stop THINKING!” I would crave sleep, every waking minute, and I would have the lowest self-hate imaginable as I continuously reached out to the girl I loved, and watch in detached horror at my own actions as I hurt her again and again. I honestly don’t know how I’m alive, but for empathy and attempted understanding from loved ones. I can’t describe the validation and hope you’ve given me, John. Thank you.

It's even more heavily stigmatized here in Korea. I'm a teacher at an elementary school, and this is the age when a lot of students in the western world are normally discovered to have a mental health issue, and then subsequently helped by their parents, teachers, doctors, etc. In my experience in Korea though, a mental health issue is seen as a weakness, and parents and teachers alike tend to ignore it or pretend they don't see a problem. This, in turn, makes it become a worse problem. A lot of my students have terrible nervous habits or ticks and show clear signs of things the western world might diagnose as ASD or ADD, but they get no help for it. It's really sad, but there's not a lot I can do about it. It just seems to be the culture here. Pretend it doesn't exist, because it's a difficult thing to deal with.

I have OCD and this exoplanets intrusive thoughts very well

I am so thankful that John Green spoke so openly about OCD. My brother has severe OCD, and, growing up with him, I couldn't grasp why he struggled with things that seemed so trivial to me. I wish discussions like this were more common then, because I so wish I had just understood and been more empathetic to these thought spirals and continual self doubting he so regularly faced. I was ignorant. Oh so ignorant. And I'm sure I still am, but being conscious of one's ignorance at least gives one the opportunity to peek through the veil of another's life and grasp that their struggle is real. Getting the proper medical help and now a family that has an inkling of understanding of his thought patterns has allowed my brother to make small, yet measured, improvements. So thank you, John, for encouraging this conversation. We all need more enlightening, and I can't wait to read the book to better connect and support others with internal battles.

Speaking as someone with relationship based OCD (basically I have thoughts telling me I don't love my BF or want to be with him, which is great fun, haha!), this video is a perfect, simply explained little insight into how OCD truly is. It's agonizing to have your brain tell you you don't love the ove of your life, when your heart is screaming back. I repeat "I do love him, I do I do I do" ad nauseam, but it only makes it worse. What's awful for many with OCD, including myself, is that we know that the thought spirals are illogical, that feelings are feelings and thoughts are thoughts and these mean nothing or maybe they mean something, but that's the thing - *we don't know.* I know I love my boyfriend, and will tell him this because I want to and I feel said love, but does that stop my brain from going "but do you?" I have an uncanny ability to see outside looking in; as if I'm in a bell jar, trapped with this Brain Gremlin, yelling at it to f---k off, but I drown in the mental cesspool that is my oceanic cranium. I'll quote (paraphrase?) your book, John; "it isn't a bad guy, it just wants to be alive." OCD is pretty much that; it's trying to protect us from the unknown, but in doing so, it keeps us from embracing it. I know the only way to "get rid" of the thoughts and Not Quite Right Feeling is to ride with them, to accept them as what they may or may not be, but it's as hard for me as it would be to jump from an aeroplane sans parachute. Look at Winston Churchill, who had obsessive thoughts telling him to toss himself off boats and into rail way tracks. He said (again, paraphrase), "I have these thoughts, but no desire to leave this world." It's strange to think that I relate to Chandler more than Monica, due to his love for the latter and how much it scares him, over the anal "OCDness" of tthe object of his love. I'm going to say that this book must have been an interesting form of ERP/CBT for you, John. I'm so looking forward to reading it, a book by someone with the same condition as me, who I know will delve into it with sensitivity and humour. It's no fun having to Google the risks of moldy bread, nor is it pleasurable to have your brain tell you you don't love the person you want to be with more than anything. You're an inspiration to me, an aspiring author with OCD, who just wants to live life with this Gremlin as peacefuly as possible. I've even named her Guadeloupe. There may be no cure, but there is hope. Godspeed.

I'm really happy you're talking about this. I have Schizo-affective disorder and I too suffer from debilitating thought spirals. Like some days I can eat eggs but others I can't bring myself to swallow them without vomiting because i think they've been poisoned. That and so many other things characterize my illness. Could you do a video discussing how your family and friends have helped. I like to show my family that kind of thing to give them hope for me. Thanks alot

There's such a comforting kind of objectivity in the kindness expressed in this video. Because that's what it feels like when someone acknowledges your pain ( in this case mental illness), it's someone doing you a kindness. + to this video

I was 16 years old when I was diagnosed with OCD. It's a nightmare and hell. Thank you, John, for writing about what I feel because I always thought I'm the only one who suffers from OCD.

I was diagnosed with OCD yesterday. Being wholly unaware of the true nature of OCD, I was terrified that I would become some sort of monster in the future and, in my more cognizant moments, incredibly scared for my mental health. Thank you for putting this video and your book out there. I hope it helps people as much as this has helped me.

Thank you John for sharing. My girlfriend suffers from thought spirals, as you describe. In our year of being together we have learned to deal with the waves as they come. In the beginning it would turn into a fight because it was often a personal insecurity manifesting into a spiral about anything and everything. Now when she begins spiraling all I can do is hold her hand tight until the waters calm. This can take hours, but I always remember the phrase 'you are not your mental illness'. Thank you for reading :P

John, "There is hope" is one of the most powerful statements that I think a hurting soul can hear. Personally, I worry about social interactions and rehearse them to the point of paralysis. If I do make it outside and talk, I then replay them endlessly. It takes hours and often leaves me in tears. Thank you for sharing your journey and helping me know that my brain is not the only one that spirals. Thank you for sharing hope, that thing with feathers.

Man, every time I finish another John Green book I'm just like "man...I just want to hug him". But especially after reading TATWD. Virtual hugs, John. You (and your brother) have done so much for me and you don't even know me. It's even cooler to know that there are millions of people who share the same sentiment.

I'm in my 6th year post-diagnosis with OCD. Thank you so much John for doing what so many of us are terrified to do, to talk openly about our obsessions. I suffer from POCD, and I remember my biggest spike being the most helpless year of my life, in the middle of college. I'm grateful every day that I forced myself into counseling despite having no idea what was wrong with me--my diagnosis even came as a surprise to me because I only saw the media image of ocd. Through multiple therapists and a gamut of medication, I'm finally no longer living crisis to crisis. I have the privilege of dealing with life's daily frustrations to the best of my ability. So much love to you John. Btw if you read this, I once shook your hand at a book signing before I knew that you have anxiety about that, so here's a very very belated apology.

I have OCD and oh my gosh thank you!!! Not everyone likes organising things or washing themselves!! I starved myself for a week because I thought that if I ate anything with powder in it, my mother would die. I am also terrified of kids items or drawings, because I see my dead sisters, gutted and bleeding on the floor whenever I see them. It is NOT just being clean. It is being trapped inside your own head, like a little evil person telling you what you can and cannot do.

John. This video is great. I was at a talk recently and we spoke about how easy someone can say "Oh, I have OCD" or "I'm feeling depressed" without really knowing what it means. This really helps. Thank you

I have a bumper sticker that says "You don't have to believe everything you think".

I just finished reading Turtles All The Way Down, and it’s my favorite John Green book to date. Thank you John for being so open and honest about your mental health struggles and for writing a story that will stay with me forever.

I look forward to Tuesdays more than someone ever should

Thanks John - this video actually helped me understand this condition a lot better. My friend has this and I've struggled to understand how she feels, but now I feel I like I can empathise with her better.

I can’t believe I just found this video for the first time. I’ve always felt like my OCD isn’t bad enough because I don’t have as many issues with compulsions as I do with the obsessions part. Things become the only thing I can think about. This has been so hard to explain to anyone but you just explained it so well in four minutes ❤️

I come back to this video every now and then, just as I do with the book Turtles All The Way Down. I find deep comfort in them. I read the book when I was 16, same as Aza, and it changed my life. I was very uneducated on mental health then, I had no idea why I fell into thought spirals when no one else around me seemed to. I remember crying so often to my mom, and she had no idea how to reach me, let alone comfort me. So I continued feeling alien in my own mind and around my closest people. For years, I felt alone, suffocated and afraid. When I was in the bad weeks, I thought they'd never end, and in the better weeks, I was only fearing the return of the bad. Until I read your book... I remember feeling strangely giddy when I finished reading the very first chapter. Aza trying to eat lunch...the googling...trying desperately to connect...the guilt she felt. All of it. I was amazed. I poured over the pages, and became so overwhelmed with emotion. I'm not alone...whoever wrote this has to know the experience. After I read it, I gave my copy to my mother, then my closest friends and family. At the time, I wanted their experience to be the same as mine.. the revelation, but it wasn't the same. But it did help them understand better. To this day, when someone enters my small circle of people, I want them to read Turtles All The Way Down. It feels oddly like a piece of me now, a way to know me better. I dont want to tell you "Thank you" because that doesn't begin to cover the emotions I feel. But what else is there to say? I hope you know that you've changed lives for the better by writing something so personal. You've changed mine, you gave me hope.

Thank you for this. It's really interesting and somehow comforting to hear other people describe being taken hostage by their own thoughts, and then taken hostage by the thought of the implications of being able to be taken hostage by ones self. Not a fun spiral. Not that I would wish it on anyone else - but nonetheless, thanks for sharing.

Thank you for this video, John. As someone that struggles with mental issues, it means a lot that you're using your platform to shine a light. Really.

I am do grateful to have found this. My father has OCD and my childhood was very focused on helping him hide & manage it. With more people shareing thier experience with it, the public understanding of what it actually is getting better & treatment options improving/bettter tools for him becoming available - its made a difference for him. Showing him how many people share in this burden has helped him to let go of so much shame. Visibility matters ❤

"it feels like my brain is on fire" that's exactly how it is for me, thank you for helping me put it into words, John.

I was secretly hoping you'd talk about this after the livestream, thank you

Just going to say this, though I'm not 100% sure it's my place...I'm extremely proud of you for this video John. Mental illnesses can be extremely difficult to talk about, and you did it without flaw. I'm so excited to read TATWD and see how it portrays OCD. DFTBA

my english teacher at school assigned us Turtles All the Way Down as our unit book to read, and showed us this video. This is how I got into vlogbrothers content.

I also have OCD. Intrusive thoughts are THE WORST. And sometimes they shut me down completely, and I become frightened, anxious, and extremely snippy, terse, and evening downright mean. It’s horrifying. I won’t discuss the content of my own thought spirals as they often require trigger warnings, they’re that serious. But it’s enough to cause me serious stress and even nausea. Thank you, John, for being a voice for us.

Hi John! Now I've never written RU-vid comment before so here it goes. Thank you SO SO much for making this video. I have the exact same kind of intrusive thoughts/spiraling though/compulsive googling OCD and so rarely do I see people talk about (especially someone I admire so much!) I've been on medication for it for about 2 years in addition to taking up rock climbing, yoga, and meditation and I finally feel like it's under control but I still have bad days and every day is a fight. It's also so hard to describe to other people what is wrong. When I say OCD people just think I'm super organized and clean (I am so not) so I usually have to default to "I'm anxious" or I'm stressed" This video let me know I'm not alone and there is power in talking about my experiences! Thank you so much!!.

Was just recently diagnosed with ADHD, which could be the cause of my long standing anxiety. Nervous, but excited for what the future holds now that I have a diagnosis.

I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD when my son was born. He is 8 and I still have intrusive thoughts but thanks to meds and lots of therapy I don't spiral to the point of not functioning anymore.

I have OCD-like symptoms but am not diagnosed, but I also have intrusive and invasive thoughts, and checking compulsions. It gets really annoying to check your bag at least 7 times per 20 minute bus ride to make sure you DEFINITELY still have your comfort item, and add three more times before getting off the bus if I’ve taken it out at all. I also can’t hold pointy things for too long because eventually I’ll start thinking about how I’m holding a pointy thing and how I could just, yknow, stab my open eyeball out. And that’s the stuff I’m willing to say out loud! The mentally ill brain can be loud and cruel, I do hope that if you’re reading this and you have intrusive or invasive thoughts, you are not those thoughts. You’re not sick or twisted, you’re not a bad person, you’re not a danger. It’s okay. Sending love to anyone who needs it. ❤

This man was my best friend the week before the AP world history exam

Thank you so much for sharing this. You are a huge inspiration for me as an authour and a person, and I too have OCD, and I don't wash my hands 50 times an hour. Oh well. Thank you so much.

I describe OCD as being betrayed by your own brain. I'm extremely logical, yet OCD is the very antithesis of logic. It's a constant battle within myself, and yes, completely exhausting and frustrating. Most people that meet me have no idea because I can hide my behaviors, especially because I so desperately do not want to adversely affect other people. But I talk about it openly because I want people to understand what it is, what it is not, and that there IS help and hope. Figuring out what triggers you is essential, I've found. And having a support system of people who love you is also key. There needs to be more education about OCD and other mental illnesses, as well as the understanding that no two people experience OCD in the same way. Praying for all affected, both those who suffer with OCD and those who love someone with it. Both are incredibly tough positions to occupy. Thank you for sharing, John!

I’m OCD diagnosed, with associated misophonia and GAD. I started reading Turtles All the Way Down two days ago and have almost finished. I found it amazing how Aza was able to perfectly vocalise many of my experiences - especially in regards to my reservations about taking tablets. I know understand how you were able to portray such an organic OCD character. I was inspired to write a creative piece about an OCD character in a pub describing a thought spiral, and I submitted it as coursework for my English degree.

I have OCD in the form of a body-focused repetitive behavior called Dermotillomania. Thanks for talking about what it's like to live with OCD! It manifests in so many different ways! Therapy treatments for my OCD have never helped, but self awareness in addition getting medication to treat my anxiety disorder has helped me to curb my OCD symptoms to less self destructive levels.

Thanks for sharing this with us John. It can't be easy to talk about your mental health to all of us but I appreciate it. Discussion of these types of issues goes a long way in helping us to imagine others complexly. DFTBA

I REALLY love the way you describe things. It's like you're taking what's spiraling in my head and giving it vocabulary. I'm so grateful.

So so so grateful for this video! I struggle with OCD too, and it's so inspiring to see more and more people opening up about their mental health illnesses. Thanks John! Can't wait to read the book!

I am very exciting about turtles because I love the way you talk about mental health. My depression gives me obsessive "thought circles" (a name I came up with after hearing you talk about thought spirals). They don't feel like they are getting worse and worse, but it's like I'm stuck in a brain that only knows like 4 sentences and they are all horrifying and mind numbing at the same time. Naming them has helped me recognise them for what they are; while that doesn't help me get out of the darkness, it sometimes reminds me not to blame myself for being stuck there in the first place. It's also really comforting when I'm reminded that I'm not the only person in the world who doesn't always feel in control of their own ship. Thanks John.

Thanks for sharing this with us, John! 💕

John’s voice is so powerful in Turtles All The Way Down

Thank you so much for talking (and writing) about this. My teen was recently diagnosed with Anxiety/OCD, and it helps me talk to her about it.

I love how open you talked about your OCD! It is very admirable.

I looove this so much, especially the part about how awful it is when you are scared of the thing you were scared to begin with but also terrified because you can't control your mind, that particular situation has left me in tears so many times...But you learn, treatment really helps and you can find a way to keep on being a happy person!

Ive been away from vlogbrothers for a bit and finally back and I forgot how much I love you guys. You give hope and strength and company.

Thank you for expressing this John, for me and a lot of others you are putting these feelings into words that are so hard to put as eloquently as you do. I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive thought spirals linked to trauma. Your message of hope has inspired me to go back to seeing my psychologist, who I haven't seen in a few months. Sometimes the weight of mental illness feels to great to delve into by getting help. Thank you for giving hope and inspiration to me and countless others.

John, it's awe-inspiring hearing you talk about mental illnesses. It helps me know we're not alone in our thoughts.

Thank you Thank you Thank you THANK YOU this is one of the most succinct yet effective descriptions of something I thought I was alone in experiencing. Specifically the idea of a thought spiral and it hijacking you to the point that you can't function and you wonder if you've ever really been in control.

Thank you for sharing this, John. Sometimes it feels like I''m the only one in the world that goes through these things, and it's just comforting to know that I'm not alone.

Thank you guys for doing videos like this. I just found out that a really good friend of mine has recently been diagnosed with OCD, and hearing you talk about your expirience with the illness and how you're still able to live a fullfilling life has been really informative and reassuring. Keep up the good work, DFTBA.

this was very informative and i'm glad you decided to open up about something you deal with

I LOVE that you brought up how you question whether or not you’re in control. I CONSTANTLY have a problem deciphering where my disorder stops and where I begin and I feel like I don’t hear people with mental illnesses discuss that side of it very often.

Thank you so much for speaking so openly about OCD and creating more transparency around it. It's so different for everyone but having it more widely talked about makes it easier to feel understood. Thanks!

Man, I'm struggling with obsessive thinking right now and it's good to hear someone else describe what's happening in my head. It took me so long to realize what was going on. Thanks for talking about it. You should do more!

John, you've got a very colorful and fulfilling life. You have a beautiful family and many accomplishments under your belt. I hope the best for you.

I just want to thank you; I've been struggling with Anxiety and OCD-related disorders since I was 5 and I haven't once been able to talk to anyone about intrusive thoughts because they are so awful and so difficult to conceptualize. Knowing that someone else-let alone one of my favorite authors- has gone through what I go through was such a relief to hear.

I've watched several of you and hanks videos at this point. Several have brought me to the brink. This is the first to get me to tears. I have had a couple good psychologists and several "not so good" ones. Personally, thought spirals direct me toward shame. It isn't fun. But there is hope. You are an awesome person and vlogger. And you have given a voice to these things that many of us were never able to articulate. Your words have helped.

As someone currently going through month 7 of a thought spiral I want to say thank you for talking about this in such an open and honest way. It can be incredibly difficult to explain to people what it is you're going through and this was very accurately, eloquently and succinctly put. Thank you so much, John. God bless.

Thank you so much for talking openly about mental illness. Keep telling your authentic story!! As a graduate student in mental health counseling, I am heartened to see you speaking out because so many people (especially young people) trust and listen to you. Your voice is so powerful and real, and I can't wait to see OCD talked about openly in the next year because of you. (Also, my grad professor has been playing your psych/mental health videos in class so keep up the good work, you're endorsed by the experts!)

I just finished TATWD and had to come watch this video. Thank you for creating, John

Thank you so much for making this video! I struggled with OCD like you do for a year without knowing it was OCD. Thanks for bringing more attention and education about it. Although I know you said you can only speak from your personal experience, it's always nice to hear that your not alone. Especially with the things that scare you the most. ❤

Thank you so much for talking so openly about this John. This video really helped me as I also live with OCD and “though spirals” that seem quite similar to what you’ve described. It’s very comforting to hear such a huge role model in my life sharing similar experiences to my own because it helps me to feel more at peace with my situation and generally safer in everyday living.

Thank you for this video! I was diagnosed with OCD about 5 years ago, but looking back I can recognize that my symptoms's started as young as 6 (I went to therapy at that time but was diagnosed with separation anxiety. A lot of times people will be like "oh I'm so OCD- I hate when my house is a mess." But that's not OCD. I like how you were saying thought spirals. I always think of it as that one line in a song that gets stuck in your head at 3am and it is all you can think about and it drives you crazy. Except the song is telling you that something horrible is happening. And I can make those thoughts quiet down temporarily by doing my compulsions- my big one is hand washing, but I also have certain numbers that everything has to be at, and making sure everything is even (if I touch something with my left pinky, I have to then touch it with my right). Thank you, John for speaking out about OCD and mental illness. I am looking forward to reading Turtles All The Way Down.

Thank you for sharing John, it takes a lot to try to explain these things

Thank you so much for creating this video, John. I have often found it very hard to understand or put in to words my own OCD and what it feels like so I cannot explain how much this video means to me and how much it has affected me, in a completely, amazingly positive way. Just thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experience.

Thank you so much for being so open about your mental illness! I've had OCD since I was 12 (I'm 20 now), and I've been able to manage it for most of my life, but lately I've been getting quite bad again. I have pure o and can't even fall asleep at night without having some sort of video on because my thoughts get so bad and keep me up. I've been really discouraged lately because my normal coping mechanisms haven't been working very well and all of the meds I've tried either haven't worked or had side effects that were too strong. It's videos like this that remind me that I'm not alone and help me remember that if I've beaten it before, I can beat it again. So really, thank you.

“Am I actually the captain of this ship?” Such a true statement. I have Pure OCD which is what it sounds like you have and Schizoaffective. I’m trying to write a book about my experiences and that’s how I stumbled on this. I feel like we need more accurate representations of what it’s like to live with these disorders. Schizophrenia has been stigmatized to the point where people are terrified of us when they absolutely should not be and OCD has became trendy. I couldn’t count the number of times I see someone without OCD refer to themselves as “so OCD” or “a little OCD” it probably bothers me more than it should but my problem is that It completely detracts from the actual despair and hell that living with this disorder is. When people think OCD is just liking things neat and orderly or color coded no one takes you seriously when you try to express or explain what it’s like to live with it. It just gets brushed off. I like the way you describe it. It’s eerily familiar.

Having read Turtles All the Way Down, and now rewatching this video, it's amazing how he integrated his experiences with OCD into the book.

Thank you for sharing this! I love that you're so frank about this. I also have OCD, and your novel, Turtles All the Way Down, was the first time I ever felt truly understood by another human being. YOU ROCK!

Thank you so much for making this video. As someone with a large following of subscribers, you will really make an impact to end the stigma that surrounds mental health issues like OCD. I love your description of OCD, and it's nice to know that I am not the only one that has googled if moldy bread will kill me! I will definitely get a copy of your upcoming book.

As someone who suffers with Depersonalization/Derealization, I really feel his “Am I the captain of this ship” comment. However, I more often find myself wondering if I am in charge of myself, who/what am I? Are these experiences separate or a part of me.

Since I was in preschool I’ve had OCD symptoms but wasn’t diagnosed until I was 10. Mine was so bad before treatment that it was borderline psychotic. Luckily now that I’m on treatment it’s gotten a lot better.

John, talking openly about mental health is so important. Thank you for being one of the lovely individuals on this plant that gets that. I have major depressive disorder, anxiety, OCD, ADD, and PTSD. My brain is basically in a constant battle with itself.