When a Giftee Throws Away Your Homemade Gift 

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Gen X here... In first grade we had an assignment to make ashtrays out of air hardening clay. I gave it to my uncle and 42 years later just after he passed away I was going through his things and found it. He had kept it all those years -never used it- just kept it. That discovery gave me a profound feeling of happiness that I cannot put into words.

Beautifully said. Many years ago in our poorer day I made a potholder for my MIL for Christmas. I was trying to learn to quilt so it was very basic but made with love. Imagine the sweet surprise when, after she had passed, I found the potholder among her kitchen things...stained, little burn marks on it, but it had been USED. I felt loved and appreciated in that moment. ❤

Several years ago I knitted a blanket for my mom for her birthday. Upon her death a few years later, I found out that she had instructed another family member that upon her passing to be sure the blanket was placed in her casket with her. The blanket covered her bottom half. I can't explain how valued and validated I felt by my mom because of this.

In quilting, we ask ourselves if the recipients are quilt worthy

My granddaughter asked me to crochet her a king size blanket. We went to the store and she picked out the color and then we looked up patterns. ( Stitches ). She found one she liked. I'm on disability so I don't have extra money. I spent 140$ on yarn and it took me 6 months to make. She threw it away because she said she didn't like the way it looked on her bed and it took me long to make. She had changed her mind and didn't want it. I was mad because she could have given it back. That was 10 years ago and I'm not over it yet.

When i was in middle school i made a little clay dragon and was so proud of it. Teacher said it was the "best" in the class. Brought it home, knowing my mom would love it and instead she kept nitpicking it.....until i yelled out, "just say you like it!". Her response, "but i dont like it". Shocked, i ran to my room and destroyed it. I never made another thing with my hands again for almost 30yrs, when i discovered leather work. Now i have a shop of my own, but still struggle daily with that nasty imposter syndrome and the fear that no one will like what i make. But at least now i fight back against those harmful thoughts.

Very relatable. My family treats anything I make as "You can't afford to buy me something?" while my friends love the things I make. Sometimes family members are the worst critics.

When I was a kid I went with a friend to her Vacation Bible School where we dyed Cheerios multi colors and strung them on a piece of string for necklaces. I gave it to my mother and she wore it to work. She told me how everyone admired it and were surprised - Cheerios. It got me started on arts and crafts, making odd things out of odd materials. She continued wearing it til she remarried in '95 and moved when she gave it to me. I put the 60(?)-yr-old thing minus some 'beads' in her coffin along with my Dutch rag doll she kept. Mommy was the best; she loved my decorated Xmas present wrappings.

I make things for people. I can spend a lot of time and effort doing it. However, the recipient is not obligated to like it just because I made it. I always put a note inside a box or on the item, " I made this with my own two hands. If your eyes do not like it, it is perfectly OK. We are all unique and have different tastes. All I ask is that you either return it back to the hands who made it or pass it along to someone special who will love it, as that will fill my heart too! Just please don't throw me out. No matter what, it was given because I care about you!"

I had a college friend who was a woodworker. Went on to do incredible stuff. When I got married, his gift was a cutting board he made, and I CHERISHED that thing and babied it for years because it meant so much more that he made it himself.

I feel this so much! My mother had an angel cabinet and one year she asked for a new angel for Christmas. I decided that not only would she get a new angel but I would sculpt it by hand. I hadn’t done anything like that before so it took me a good month to complete, although I was very satisfied with the results. Well the morning came and she opened her gift, looked at it in confusion, and set it aside without saying a word. It was soul-crushing! My pops saw how hurt I was and later told me something that I’ve kept in mind every time I’ve gifted a piece since, “She just saw the final piece son. She didn’t see the hours and hours of time and care you put into it. And unfortunately people may not place the same value on it that you do.”. You will continue to grow and get better, but don’t put it on someone else to assign value to your work!

In my early adulthood I had money trouble. Not terrible but Christmas was always hard for me to come up with good gifts. I fabricate and build things a lot, and I am good at it. My shtick (correct word?) has always been the ability to "make something out of nothing." I made several custom gifts that I thought were great, and took a lot of time for a family member. One was given back to me, completely forgotten that I was the one that made it and gave it to them. One I found buried in storage like a week later. Found a few in the dumpster. Found one on the side of the road for sale. Etc, etc. To me these were very well thought out, individualized, time consuming gifts. I switched to gift cards after that. I was told gift cards are pointless and there is no thought or care put into that crap. Now we don't exchange anything. Or see each other. For other reasons. Even though you won't see this buried in the comments, I appreciate the video. Makes me feel like I'm not the only one feeling things like this.

There is nothing more expensive, important, and special than your own time. Giving that away is the greatest gift any of us can give.

I think it's important to remember that because someone doesn't like something, doesn't mean it's bad. When my niece was 5, I was making a commission for someone where I 3D printed a fairy miniature, painted it, then cast it in a clear resin crystal. My niece fell in love with it, so I made a second one for her and she was overjoyed. Over the next few years, I made her a whole bunch of fantasy display minis. A few years later I found out that the pieces I'd spent over 100 hours each on where living in the bottom of her wardrobe, they only came out when I visited. It turned out that she loved fairies specifically, not fantasy stuff in general...but I kept making those things for her and she didn't want to hurt my feelings to tell me she didn't like them. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't offended. I just took the pieces she didn't like back and asked her if she still liked fairies...we spent the next couple hours picking out a model she liked on my minifactory and coming up with a colour scheme. The way I look at it is a machinist could spend weeks making me an absolutely perfect, top of the line golf club, the type of thing a professional golfer would kill for. Me? I have no interest in golf. I wouldn't want that as a gift... but me not wanting it isn't a reflection on the quality of the object or the skill of the maker. On the other hand, for mother's day I gave my mum a minotaur head bust that I'd printed and painted and given goth makeup. Deliberately garish and ugly, It was a pure gag gift, I gave it to her, told her how I'd hand-made it, and how much time I'd put into it, so because it was such a thoughtful hand made gift I expect it to be given pride of place on the mantle in the living room. About an hour later I let her in on the joke, told her she could get rid of it....but four years later it's still there.

As an artist, I want to say thank you for making this video, and thank you to the folks writing great comments here.

When my daughter. Rachel was about 3 years old, she had made a drawing and folded it like a greeting card as a gift for our friend Benny, who had dropped in for a visit. It was typical 3 year old art, but she just loved Benny and poured her heart into.it. After Benny left I heard Rachel crying in the living room. Benny had left her gift behind. Her 3 year old heart was shattered. The hurt has no age limit.

That principal was a monster. He could have asked the students if they wanted their artwork back.

A happy story about gift giving.... My Aunt worked in libraries, had a masters degree, very high up in the state library system she worked for. She had no kids, and all her life she took care of her mother, until she (my grandmother passed on.) She sent presents every birthday, and Christmas, and cards every holiday, Halloween, Easter, all of them, to each and every niece and nephew she had, always writing that the gift was from Grandma and Aunt Barbara. She lived out of state, but would come to family reunions, all that. I'd never had any lengthy conversation with her until when I was in my mid thirties. Barb had come to out town for a family reunion but her car had broke down and had to be fixed. I was asked to take her with me for the day and she would drop her car off at the mechanics and then come to my house for a visit while the car was being fixed. She was always kind of a quiet person, very gentle and always kind. As we talked, I realized I had an unexpected moment to tell her a little story. I mentioned to her that when I was 15 she send me a book for Christmas about a little girl in an orphanage. Months later I found it on my shelf and decided to read it. And I loved it. Really loved it. I told her that I read it so often that the paperback had disintegrated (but I could still read it!) So when I moved into my first apartment and got my first real paycheck, I went down to local bookstore and asked if they had the book. No. Out of print. But... they did a search and found a copy in a used bookstore in another state that they could order for me. I said yes. Then I showed Aunt Barbara the hardback book I had ordered when I was 19.... pages bent, spine creased, as I still would read either parts or the whole book once every couple of years. Tears feel down Barbara's cheeks. Holding the hardback book, she whispered, "That's,. oh my. You send the gifts and no one really says if it was the right fit for them, you just never know. This.... you reading it into a mess of pages with tape and string, then getting a hardback copy of the book and then still keeping that for years...." Her face was flushed and more tears slide down her cheeks, "That means so very much to me." Sometimes even years later, you find out how much it means to someone that you kept their gift. Or like me, kept the spirit of the gift, a gift I got years of enjoyment out of and which I still, at 63 tears old, have the hardback book and yes, still read it again every couple of years. Now my reading of it is because of her tears. Seeing how much it meant to her that a gift was so treasured. We became actual real friends that day, not just and Aunt and Niece. We called each other once a week at least, just to chat, to have rambling conversations. When she'd call and I'd pick up the phone, she would say, "Hello,. my friend." And that was a present to me to hear that's how she thought of me. I was her friend. And she mine. She passed away just 8 years ago now, but still, I look to the sky a few times a year and I whisper, "Hello, my friend," If you have a gift that was given to you even years ago, It is a thought to mention it to the person, hey, you know that necklace you made me, I still wear it so often, its one of my very favorite peices..... or ..... that huge blanket you crocheted for my son Stone? yea, he's taking it to college with him. He still loves that blanket. If interested, the book I've read and re-read for years was Mandy, by Julie Edwards. Julie Edwards was her maiden name, it was actually Julie Andrews, who is the movie star from the 1960s (?) movie "The Sound of Music". The book was really more suitable for girl around 11 or 12.... but at 15 it was still a magical journey of a little girl finding parents all her own.

This is how we feel when we find handmade quilts at goodwill or the trash. All the time, effort and imagination that goes into those creations is immense. And to have it not be appreciated and saved for future generations is heartbreaking.

I made a wooden mallet for my neighbor who was born in 1935 from a tree we were cutting up together last year. I was showing it to him yesterday saying I made something from the tree and he just loved it then I told him I was glad he likes it because I made it for him. He teared up, stood up and hugged me.

I was a very creative child, but my mother threw everything away that I made for her, the only thing that survived, was a crocheted pan holder that my dad insisted on using. I have one child, now an adult, who constantly made things, they are my treasures. The bulk of her creations are stored safely in old suitcases in the attic, some things are in a box in my bedside cabinet, some things are in a drawer in my lounge, I have the pleasure of seeing them every time I open that drawer. Each little thing is a light that has brightened our journey through life together, it is pure love.

Destroying a kid's possessions out of anger is so incredibly immature, and hurts them so badly in ways that I think the guardian cannot even comprehend, assuming they even care. I remember my father destroying my computer because, if I recall correctly, I said something my father didn't like after being dragged into a financial argument with my parents - I was maybe 11 or 12 at the time. It took a number of years for me to really fall in love with tech in the same way again, but as an adult I'm happy to say I now enjoy a very interesting career in IT Ops. 😊

Yeah, been there, done that. Usually it only hurts for a decade or two.

Regifting is one thing. Throwing it in the trash is a whole other thing. You put your heart into your gift. They trash that gift, they are telling you exactly what they think of you and how much they value your relationship. People like that don't deserve your time and effort.

Simple response: NEVER give that individual another gift.

My grandfather hobby was carving. I have all of his left over carvings. One was the only one I called out when I was about 12 little over 30 years ago. That carving is what I consider is my most valuable possession. Before he passed lots of people wanted that carving. But it was also the only one I had told him I wanted when he was done it. He kept it unfinished for years. Then around his last years finished it. Later when my house is done i will buy a glass display case and display all of his work that I have.

Years ago, before arthritis struck, I counted myself as a fairly skilled woodworker, having outfitted most of my house (my late dad was a cabinet maker.) My married son and his wife were expecting a child. Despite already failing health, I pulled out all the stops. Spent a small fortune on wood and fittings, and a month on building a cradle. It was complimented by everyone who saw it (OMG - you MADE that? It's wonderful!) One visitor offered me £2000 (UK) on the spot. Might have taken it, if I'd had the stamina to make another. My grandson arrived - usual celebrations. He was in the cradle one week. Until the in-laws arrived with an expensive store-bought cradle - a 'proper' cradle, not some 'homemade thing' from the cheap other grandad. My cradle vanished into their attic. Didn't speak to my son and his wife for a very long time.

In high school art class, I made a realistic lithograph print of a horse. I was very proud of my work. I cut a mat board frame for it. When I showed it to my dad, all he said was you should have let me help you cut the mat board (it was slightly imperfect). He gave no praise for the art itself, only criticized the mat and that he could have done it better. I carried the hurt from that for years.

I have a vaguely similar story: When I was about 14 years old, I showed off a city I'd build for the video game Oblivion. I wanted to become a game dev, but my parents strictly limited the time I was allowed in front of screens and I did this little presentation to show off, that I was actively creating something and wasn't just playing around. The result was, that they actively tried to dismantle what I had created, by pointing out it's flaws and proudly declaring, "that absolutely nobody wanted something like this." The thing I took away from that day, was that I couldn't create anything of value and I stopped making art. It took me way into my adult life to recapture that desire to create something. I'm trying my hand once more on games and it feels wonderful. Showing my creation off, is still the scariest thing I could think of. I wonder where I'd be skill-wise if I hadn't stopped back then, but it feels almost like a special privilege that I was able to return to being a creator after years of depression.

I once walked in on my grandmother shredding 3 generations of children’s drawings because she ran out of room in the filing cabinet and decided that those weren’t “necessities,” and anything not needed got shredded. She said we were all grown now and so she didn’t need to keep them. She was not a sentimental woman. The only things I made that she kept were the potholders I made for her, because those matched her kitchen and performed a needed function. It really reframed the idea of giving hand made gifts for me. Knowing for a fact that so much of what I made for someone was not only in the trash, but had been shredded first was gutting. It put into focus how little my effort and work meant to anyone else. I can’t think of a way to make someone feel lower than that. Now? I take to heart what the fiber arts community says about making sure a recipient is handmade gift worthy. If I think even for a second that they won’t appreciate it, they aren’t getting my hand work. I don’t really care if they don’t appreciate something bought, as it wasn’t personally made with them in mind. So the unworthy get store bought gifts or gift cards if anything. If I give you something I knitted or crocheted or made, it’s because you have been fully vetted and passed the test. One of my nieces has a hat I knitted. She put it on while playing and ended up wearing it for the rest of the day. She was a little hesitant when returning it, so I asked her if she’d like to keep it. It was her favorite and she wore it nearly every day for years. She got upset because it was showing signs of wear and she felt bad for putting it through the wringer - as if it wearing out meant she wasn’t taking care of it. It was grungy and thin and a little stained because it went through life with her, like a kid’s teddy bear. I told her that a well worn hat is a well loved hat, and that I couldn’t think of a higher honor for a hat than to get worn out from constantly being loved and accompanying her on her adventures, and made her a few more so she had color choices. She passes the test. She is hand knit worthy. It really sucks that some people don’t appreciate hand made gifts. They don’t understand the care and love that goes into making something specifically for someone, tailored to them. Or they just don’t care about things like that. Idk what robbed them of joy, but that’s outside my jurisdiction lol

The best feeling as a maker is seeing something you made 20 years ago still being used by the giftee. I was sent a picture of a truck and in the background was a fire-pit I made with freshly burned wood in it.

When I give a gift that I have made, I make sure to give it along with all the emotional attachment I had for it. That way, no matter what its eventual fate, I don't have to grieve for it. For the same reason I never lend books. if I think a friend would enjoy it or find it useful, I give it to them. If they want to, they can return it, but crucially, I don't expect to see it again. Insulate yourself from the grief of loss by letting go completely when the gift is made.

My grandmother grew up in early twentieth century. Always poor she hated homemade things. She would turn her nose up when her grandchildren gave her things they made. When I made my own wedding dress she commented how awful it was I couldn’t afford a new dress. She never hid her feelings about home made things. I was always proud of the things I made and wore or the things my mother made for me. You are correct it destroys creativity to have it diminished.

I made edible gifts for holidays and one holiday l was a bit behind and griped about time and space and one of the recipients said “no one really cares about your gifts and won’t notice their absence so don’t bother. “ It crushed me even though others strongly proclaimed the opposite.

I had a very similar experience at school. Our auto shop had a small display case by the door. The shop teacher asked if anyone had anything car related they wanted to display. I brought over my see through visible v8 and 4 cylinder models. The next year when school started everything was gone and it turned out they threw everything out over the summer. I was so upset I didn’t build another model for at least 5 years

Every piece of artwork has a little or a lot of the artist's heart.

My son and I (mostly my son) made handmade knives for Shakey Graves, his band, and his manager- all of whom had been very kind and gracious to us but specifically my daughter who was a super fan. I got the impression that some of them shoved them in drawers as they really didn't mention them when we saw them at shows. Approximately two years later however, we watched his music video that he released to celebrate his 10 year anniversary, and there as what I would call a hero prop, was the knife we'd given him. Sometimes you may not think someone appreciates the time and effort you put into making their gift but you never really know. And that one time where someone really shows appreciation makes every build worth it.

“And cast not your pearls before swine.” Only give to those who truly appreciate your work.

I often heard my dad say the following: "I've never gotten a bad gift." It wasn't just something he said--he meant it with every fiber of his being. If something was handmade or clever or otherwise reflected significant time and effort, he was even more appreciative. I recall a friend of mine once fretting over what she would get her dad for Christmas, fearful he would dislike or reject the gift. I was shocked, as my experience was so completely the opposite. I've tried to emulate that level of gratitude in my own life, and I have to admit, knowing someone could so blithely toss away a gift I or someone else had obviously used their talents and time to create would make me reconsider having any sort of friendship with that person. Maybe that's harsh, but so be it.

what hurts is finding out just how special you are Not... to the person you believed loved or valued you. we all love and value you and your magic.

Adam out here just helping society heal

I have a friend who is a hyper-crafter, and she comes up with the weirdest, oddest Christmas decor and most bizarre gift ideas. When these things are given to me, I do express my appreciation for her time and creativity. However, I also let her know (very gently and sugar-coatedly) that I am not looking for anymore knick-knacks or home decor, as I have been shifting towards minimalism. Handcrafted, weird decor, clutter, and dust catchers are the last things I desire for my home. Less is more. Crafters ought not to assume that just because you enjoyed making it, other people would love it. 🤷🏼‍♀ I do quietly donate the cheezy gift items I receive. And, I always suggest exchanging wish lists so everyone can get something they want, need and love. 🎁

The sheer amount of stories in this thread is unreal. It is clearly a universal maker experience that we are extremely emotionally attached to our work. Yet in this consumerist society, many people have such a shallow relationship with the thousands of objects in their lives, that our object is yet another "thing" and is added to the pile. Clearly, many of us here hoped it gets on the top of the pile, or at worst not thrown away into the garbage pile. The reality is, we are "makers", we make things, and that is the true joy of what we do. If someone else finds value on top, that's gravy, but we still got to have fun making it. AND, we know just how valuable other makers' gifts truly are.

Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts Adam. I'm 58, out of work for the last 6 years (stuff happens with our families) - but now no one is hiring an older IT lady. I've been laid off twice and felt like my whole life has been wasted on something I'm probably no good at. Your commentary toward the end actually was one of the few I've heard that opened up the sky to make me think, just because those companies saw me as a number, it doesn't devalue the work I did, and it certainly doesn't remove the fact that I'm a good person with a good heart. These little talks of yours are very much appreciated. You're a maker in more ways than one. You also make people feel stronger.

I have a family member that threw away every handmade gift I ever gave them. Lesson learned. I bought them a dishware set that really coordinated there Newly remodeled kitchen, which they gifted back to me, still sealed about 15 YEARS later. I was surprised it didn't end up in the landfill.

"36×24 inch sheets of corrugated cardboard? I never imagined such a thing could be purchased by humans!"

With my children's art, one of the things that my wife would do is to take pictures of our child with the artwork they had made. That way, if it goes away we still have photos of the object and photos of our child as they were when they made the art. And now that one of my sons has a degree in art and is a fantastic artist, we can trace back through all of his art and see him as he was when he created it. It gave us freedom to not have to keep everything.

Aaaaaamen! Yes, yes, yes! People who aren’t makers have no clue that EVERYTHING we make is actually giving them a part of our very soul. I felt true pain listening to your experiences.

Hearing those stories hurt ME, I can't image how bad they must have felt. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

One of Adam's greatest strength is his penchant for reassurance and validation of the kindred. So appreciated.

Every child needs to be instructed by someone, family member, teacher, caring person on how to graciously accept a gift, especially a home made gift, and how to write a thank you note, and how to dispose of a gift if it is not suitable for them. Hurting the feelings of the person giving the gift is never allowed.

I am a fairly accomplished modern quilt maker. IO've had my work in several art gallery shows. A couple of years ago, some acquaintances wed and I presented in their wedding card a 'certificate for a medium size quilt (48" x 60"-ish) of their choice.' Never heard a thing from them. I don't know if they never read it, didn't care, were ignorant of the value of what I offered, or what. I never stopped making. On the other hand, I had designed and made a lovely quilt for a friend who was expecting. It was such a fun and custom quilt. Sadly, her baby passed within the first week of her life. I was so saddened by that that it did take me a year or so to get back on the designing/making horse again. I'm back and at it again, thank goodness.

When i was a teenager, around 16 years old, i got my first job at a bike shop in town working as a technician. I built bicycles from box kits to sell on the floor, and occasionally repaired bikes with the more experienced technicians. After working there a little while, i got the idea to fasten several sprockets and disc brakes in a stack from the largest as the base to the smallest at the top, and put a clock movement in the center. I gave it to my father as a father’s day gift, with which he swiftly put it in a drawer in his office where it still resides to this day. Ive struggled for the past decade wrenching with the thoughts of my disappointment with that and this video encapsulates it perfectly. Thank you for your stories, Adam.

The older I’ve got the more I’ve realised that creating is indeed about the creator. No one else cares about my precious. So I don’t gift it any more unless it’s to someone who has specifically requested something and who I actually know understands what they are asking for. And that is very few and far between because as we realise, if you add up the hours and materials then asking for something like that, it would be a very costly present. I also came to the realisation that I don’t particularly want other peoples creations unless it’s something I’ve commissioned or chosen either . And that was very telling. My space is curated, and I resent the intrusion into it if something that doesn’t fit. I now create when I’m enjoying the process or I’m compelled to. And try to leave others out of it. Too much pain and stress.

A lesson I learned a long time ago is that a gift is about what the receiver would like and not what the giver would like to give. I just make stuff for myself and when people see it and enjoy it and ask if they can have one or ask if I can make them something else, then I know they truly appreciate it. As a maker I see and appreciate the effort that someone has put into something, but some people just see it as someone who wouldn't spend money on a gift.

I wrote a poem when I was 16, and a young lady (age 20), who was a friend of the family (and I was smitten with), dismissed it as garbage, that I was just trying to use big meaningless words. I stopped writing poems after that. Found out 30 years later that my dad kept the poem and liked it so much he is including it in his book. That moment of affirmation shed decades of self doubt and anxiety that I didn't realize I was carrying.

As a knitter/crocheter I've come across some of my gifts thrown on the floor of closets and stepped on countless times. An Afghan that took me weeks to make with the team logo and official colors was immediately used as animal bedding. I no longer knit or crochet. It's too expensive and time consuming to have it dismissed or ignored. Pearls before swines, and all that.

❤ I can totally sympathize with this. I’ve started calling it the “macaroni necklace problem”. As a parent I get LOTS of very heartfelt crafts from my kids, but just cannot keep them and can’t explain well enough why some things are now missing from the house- even though I am grateful and proud. I make various gifts myself and am always trying to make sure it is wanted by the receiver and not seen as a macaroni necklace that is a burden they have to pretend to like.

I've heard it said that giving a gift isn't just for the other person but it's for you, the gifter, as well. It's a form of love language and not everyone is fluent.

I crochet all my grandchildren a blanket from me. To use, and one day have as a memory of my love for them. My one granddaughter took to my blanket so much. My son videoed her getting ready for a nap and as soon as they covered her with the blanket, she would get a huge smile and rub the blanket between her fingers. He said it happened every time. It became her big lovey. It was complicated. Beach colors going into shore and then deep sea, with crocheted starfish and sea turtles separately sewn on. She loves it so much and has dragged it on the floor, needs it to be with her in 😮the car, etc.,takes it everywhere and slowly it has fallen apart with rows of “ocean” coming off. At first I was dismayed, but she loves it so much and it truly is her comfort. I can’t be mad. It is/was so well loved. She is 4 now and has realized it’s getting smaller and smaller. Her dad said she’s getting stressed it may be no more. She said “I berry (very) much want Oma to make me a new one!” I’ve never had anyone love and appreciate my gift so much. I will make her a mini version! ❤

This used to bother me. To this day, and I'm pushing 60, my mother hates the bulk of what I've created. I still create it. And lately, aware of my own mortality I've been handing off paintings and artwork to friends and acquaintances just so it doesn't wind up in a landfill when I pass. That may very well still happen, but these are people who won't tell me "Hey, I threw your crap away." Bottom line, I'm gonna do what I do anyway. Who cares? Glad I stumbled on to this video!

For anyone who doesn't know about this idea - go research "Guess culture" vs "Ask culture." You can avoid A LOT of uncomfortable rejections like the question-asker's, if you can learn to ASK FIRST, IF the person would like a gift, instead of offering the service, or making it entirely and THEN getting the rejection. "What would you like me to make for you?" IS a question, yes, but it needs to be taken back a step, like, "Would you like me to make something for you?" Those are very different questions. If you don't see the difference, imagine being asked, "Where would you like to go out for dinner?" compared to, "Do you want to go out for dinner?" There's some assumptions being made in the first question, ie, that the person WILL ACCEPT. That's Guess Culture, assuming that the person will accept. It's harder to politely decline when there's the pressure of "I already decided you will get this, so your only option is what kind." Of course, you yourself can always decide to go out to dinner alone (aka make a thing for just you) - it's when you try to involve a second party without their prior knowledge that the etiquette part shows up. This is just stuff you end up learning, moving to a lotta different states and having an autistic family member who teaches you how Guess Culture really doesn't work for them... And by you I mean me XD

We went to stay with my husbands grandfather in 2010 who lived in a different part of the country so it was rare that we got to see him. He used to paint and would paint everything; huge ships at sea, city scapes, you name it he could paint it, they were magnificent. When we were leaving he asked us if we would like one of his paintings, I jumped at the chance. We have a beautiful one-of-a-kind painting that hangs above our stairs and we see it every day. Sadly he passed away at the beginning of this year, after fighting dementia. He was my husbands grandfather but he was like a grandfather to me to. He was kind and generous and really special. I will always treasure that painting.

A guy I knew as a kid, he and his dad took regular car models and converted them to the doors and hood and trunk opening. Detailed the engine with wires and accessories. Award winning models. Always admired their skill.

I get this. I always make occasion cards for people. But rarely is the time and individuality appreciated. The only person who did appreciate this was my mum (sadly passed this year). When looking through cupboards I found EVERY birthday, Mother’s Day card I ever made her. Heartwarming and sad at the same 😢

I feel this, I forged a batch of Railroad spike knives for the groomsmen of a buddies wedding with an accompanying bottle opener, leather sheaths were hand cut and stitched for each knife. Years and years later while helping clean out his brother's attic I found them in a plastic box.....I was devastated. They weren't given out because the wife didn't think they were good enough to hand out. They had a forged finish with hollow ground edges, they don't make for very good knives because they're not cutlery grade steel and they don't harden very well but it's the time i put into these pieces free of charge, needles to say they're divorced now and I took back the knives and gave em away to my colleagues and friends.

He's absolutely right when he says that people aren't as appreciative when what you make is about YOU. The key to gift-giving is to speak the love-language of the receiver! Because the gift that says, "I see you. I know you." THAT is the one that conveys your love.

In my 9th grade history class, our final project was to make a model/diorama of some important place or moment in history. My partner and I on the project spent close to 20 hours making a fairly detailed 2'x2' model of Ford's Theater, and I was quite proud of it. After we got our grades, the history teacher kept a few of them to display in his classroom, and threw the rest away without asking any of us if we'd like to keep them. It's been 10 years since then, and I can still vividly remember the feeling of helplessness - and frankly, grief - knowing that something I clearly spent a significant of time and effort researching and building was so effortlessly discarded. I think it's really important for anyone - not even just makers - to understand why events like this happen and how to move forward from them, which is why I'm so glad you made this video.

I don't know if it will help anyone else, but it has helped me. "All gifts are freely given and freely taken. If that is not true, it is not a gift, it is a chain." That means the giftee is completely free to do what they wish with the thing given to them. Letting go of the future of the gift was liberating. I am cautious about who I give what as I want my labor to be appreciated, but giving the gift is the act I engage in and am rewarded by. But I am a weirdo, so it might just be me.

I've had this experience a couple of times with my music work. A 30 year acquaintance (but never met in person) told me a few months ago that I should "stop doing all that shite. No one wants to hear it". The person knew my recent history, and maybe he meant it playfully, buuut... "My recent history" is "still recovering from a 3 month hospital stay" which left me with minimal comprehension, conceptualization, and planning skills. My music outlet these days is what it is, and it's coming back, slowly. Thanks for the support, person in story.

I knit my mother a scarf for Christmas. It had elaborate cables, and the yarn was soft and chunky, perfect for 60- degree Fahrenheit Southern California winters. My heart sank a little when she showed me how carefully she was about to store the thang between two clean pieces of cloth in a box, presumably to be stuck away in her closet somewhere. The weather was already perfect for wearing it ... yet she saw fit to put it away as some random artifact, the way curators do with obscure items of quality in museums. As far as I know, that scarf was worn once - by me - on a day when I forgot to bring a jacket. While I'm sure she APPRECIATED the skill, time and effort I put in making the gift, she signaled that she didn’t LIKE her new handmade scarf. I stopped knitting and sewing accessories for her. At least, my siblings are knitworthy!

I always remind myself that once I've given a gift, that thing is no longer mine and the recipient is free to do with it as they wish, including throwing it away. It hurts if they do but if it was truly a gift, it is no longer mine. If they toss it, you've learned something about them and your own expectations. Be careful about expectations since although they can bring joy, they are the sole cause of disappointment. If uncertain about gift giving, give perishables or consumables.

One person's trash is another person's treasure. Art is subjective. Do not let what one person thinks of your art destroy its value. Keep creating and let your work find its audience who can see its true value.

Years ago I made not one, but two, single crochet, queen size afghans for a friend. One in her color choice, and one in her husband's favorite color. Flash forward to the day she insisted I look under her deck to see the bed she made for some stray cats in the area. You guessed it. She used the two afghans to make the bed on a pile of dirt under that deck. I looked at them, and thought to myself, "It's a good thing I'm an animal lover". I just stood up, told her it looked like the cats would be happy there, and never acknowledge that I recognized the blankets. Our friendship didn't last long after that, and since then, I don't make anything for anyone unless they ask me to do so.

A friend of mine from high school is now one of the best glass blowers on the planet. I have a small collection of 4 or 5 small pieces that he made when he was starting out, stuff that he would never make now. They’re now framed in a display box. I doubt he even remembers that I have them but they’re some of my most prized relics.

I have many makers in my life; a knitter, a woodworker, a potter, a sewist , all of whom make very finely crafted, really beautiful things. Unfortunately, not everything they make and give is to my taste. I appreciate how many hours and how much work and skill go into these things but have a hard time really enjoying them. Some of them understand this and realize that some things they give me may get passed on, others not so much. Whenever I give someone something I've made, it's with the understanding that it may find a different home than the one intended.

This broke my heart for the maker. I am a knitter and for about 10 years, I made my mom a beautiful lace wrap for Christmas every year. It would be a 6-month project, and I always used the best fiber I could afford. Last summer I stayed at my parents’ house and found everything I’d ever knit for her, crammed in the back of a drawer in an unused room, with my custom tags still attached. I was shattered, and I am still working through the feelings it brought up. I hope the letter writer knows that the recipient’s response is in no way a reflection on the artist or their talent ❤

As a dad to some pretty dang artistically inclined kids, I feel obligated to (and am happy to) gush over everything they show me they've created. Their faces shine as they describe their process. To have someone not appreciate that? I will steal your word--- MONSTERS!

Me personally, I’m real sentimental about stuff people make/give to me. My daughter is an artist and I know how artists become attached to their work. I learned a long time ago when an artist/maker gives you something they are giving you a piece of them

Some of these stories are absolutely heartbreaking, that someone has thought of you and then taken the time and effort to make something personal which is then discarded is unfathomable to me.

I was astounded when I heard someone wouldn't want a special piece of art created just for them. But not everyone is into art or understands the vulnerability if they themselves aren't creators. Mind blowing, but true

This is why I try to keep everything my kids make, and make sure it’s obvious that it’s being kept. That little vote of confidence can instrumental to their confidence. Knowing that the people you value more than anything else in the world also value your effort and time is sadly not something all, or even a lot of kids seem to get.

That feeling of rejection of our love and effort is so crushing... I built guitars for many years then completely lost my drive to make them after a friend returned the instrument I had gifted him.

Words of advice: Screw what negative people say about anything you do in your life! Quick story: I was the fat kid in my school years, and my mon bought me these Bright Lime Green slacks, I thought they were so cool. So, I wear them the school the next day. BOY OH BOY!!..every kid in school made fun of me, and called me a chubby lime. Well, Not to back down, the next day I came to school with a my Bright blue checker slacks, with a bright blue silk dress shirt. Then many would be asking what my next style would be for the next day. I gained a lot of fair attention by turning my situation around on the negative people.

I could really feel the emotion in this video. It's bad enough to see a bought present being thrown or given away, but something you spent time creating for somebody, that hurts and it goes deep. Thank you Adam for letting us in on your inner feelings

May be 10 years old, I made something for my aunt’s birthday. It must have been very bad because in an hour, I found it on the top of the trash. Don’t know why it should hurt until now at 63 years old. Thank you for sharing this.

If somebody casually throws out a custom gift, knowing it was custom, then you don't give them gifts anymore, and you tell them why, _especially family members._ If a family member steals or destroys something you own, especially if you made it built it, they're being abusive, and you treat them appropriately. As a teenager I had to threaten my very abusive mother's car with a sledgehammerv to get stolen property back. I went full no contact the day I moved out at 18, which I'd also recommend for abusive relatives. If it keeps bothering you afterwards, get therapy, it's worth it. Then put them out if you're mind - they no longer exist and aren't worth your mental energy.

A man I really didn't know well did woodwork, and presented me with a small, simple, but lovely bowl that he had made. When he recieved my Thank you note, he sent ME a Thank you and told me that in all the years he had given these, no one had ever written him a Thank you note before. He was over 60.

This is so good to hear. I cross stitched a beautiful piece. It cost me $400.00 Australian to frame. I was shocked at the increased price and felt shattered. I’m not going to live long enough to appreciate it. My family won’t so I intend to sell it

In that "the art is about you not us": I had a great experience commissioning art from a young artist who was often down about her work and sales and things. A friend had lost someone very close to her who was a prolific artist and performer and so I had the bright idea of finding a new artist she might want to support. I asked the artist to make something, ideally a picture, in their preferred style and materials in my budget. I told the artist about my friend, as much as I could, what kind of person she is. There was a draft which got some of it right but not quite. I gave some feedback about what worked and what didn't and what I liked that really surprised me and then there was the finished product. I loved it, framed it gave it to my friend. She burst into tears and said it was perfect and reached into her soul. Yes the art is about the artist. That's what you want in art. The inspiration is the person receiving the art. It can't be about one without the other. I guess some people don't understand that.

A quilter I follow talks about the receiver being quilt-worthy - and I totally agree with that.

Not the same but as a kid I got the chance to take woodshop class and was able to build an electric guitar. shortly after completion the school went on holiday and when we returned I found my guitar had been stolen. I instantly gave up any passion I previously had about music and woodworking. I am a carpenter today and at least found an outlet for working with my hands and building, but that early experience still haunts me and makes me very reluctant to "build" anything small enough that can be toted off. Great video thnx

This is the first video of yours that I have seen and I found it very interesting, although sad. It showed up on my RU-vid recommendations, and I’m very glad I did. As a person who sews, knits and crochets, I have given many handmade gifts over the years and many of them, as you can imagine, took quite a bit of time and love to create. My husband‘s cousin was going to become a grandparent for the first time, and they had always told me how beautiful my scrappy quilts were and he and his wife kept hinting all through their daughters pregnancy, so when the time for the baby shower arrived, I gifted their daughter a beautiful, handmade quilt that was even hand quilted, instead of machine quilted. I spent the better part of 4 weeks on this. She soon had the baby and a few weeks later, we went to visit and see the baby. Of course, I was hoping to see that the quilt was being used, but I told myself that even if it was nearby, or in sight, that would be enough to show me that it was being used. As we stepped onto the porch of their home (it was an enclosed porch), we see that their cat had just given birth to a litter of six or seven kittens, and all that goopy, bloody mess, with wriggling kittens moving about on top of… you guessed it… the beautiful quilt that I had painstakingly made and gifted to them. I couldn’t even stay to see the baby. I left in tears, so hurt to think that no thought whatsoever was put into my gift of love. That sticks with me every t8me I see a baby sized quilt and it’s been easily 25 years ago. I have also knit socks for someone and when I asked if they fit OK, I was told that they didn’t like the color and so had thrown them away. I don’t think people realize how long it takes to do that kind of handiwork.

I sepnt months of time and hundreds of dollars making a quilt for my daughter's best friend for a wedding gift I consulted with her on the design and colors, It was definitely a gift from the heart Two years later they divorced, and shortly after, I asked her if I could relabel it to remove his name from the label I had made for it. The answer she gave me was "Oh, I parted with that quilt some time ago". I was so hurt and heartbroken Had to console myself to the idea that I gave it to her, so it was hers to do what she wanted. I just wish she had let me know, or given it back. It was a beautiful quilt.

someone once made me a household item as a gift. it obviously took a lot of time, effort, & energy as well as cost for the materials. i actively disliked the style and size and realised instantly that i would never be able to use it, because liking the things i use matters to me. i explained what the issue was, apologised and said i would not be able to receive it. the creator now uses it and i still see (and personally dislike) it when i visit. otoh, this creator has made me two other items styled within my personal preferences and these i treasure highly and use in great appreciation, with deep and abiding gratitude🙏👍😃🌿

This has happened to me twice!! I said if you don't want or no longer want it, give it back to me. I made a prop gun from an Anime for a friend. After the convention, he was just going to toss it in the trash because he had no room for it. Luckily, I was able to ask him for it back before he threw it away. Some people just don't have sentimental or consideration for things that we make.

Learned a valuable lesson years ago that when you give a gift it is theirs to do with it what they want. Treasure it, give it away, throw it away. Does not apply to a child's or even a teens homemade gift as they will not be able to be mature enough to have this take on their handiwork. Certainly, I think it was pretty heartless for someone to just tell you straight up they threw it out! I have learned over the years to be more selective about the things I make for others but have certainly got a thicker skin if they do not appreciate it. Their loss. If I enjoyed making it sometimes that is all the pleasure there might be: a be happy with that if that is the end result.

Adam’s ability to tell stories about his life without going into too much detail but still getting the importants of his point is amazing

Thank you Adam! First time I heard somebody acknowledge the pain you feel when somebody disses you and the time you spend on your makings ,knowingly or unknowingly. But you made me feel better, thank you buddy!