When Your Children Are Struggling with Judaism: Amudim Panel Discussion 

I love you Miriam.You are brilliant and right on

Miriam, Critical point you have touched on. At 40 my first son arrived, followed by two more by the time I was 45. I was a teacher and my wife was a bank manager. We had been living the normal American lifestyle. We had a nanny for our first son for about 10 months. I was driving to pick him up one day and thought to myself "What are we doing?!?!" Called my wife and told her to give her supervisor her two weeks notice. Fast forward to 2010 with my youngest only two months old and I was given my tenured contract to sign. Decided not to sign, left teaching and started a family business where the entire family is working it. The boys have tutors and have an incredible well rounded, balanced lifestyle where my wife and I are able to connect to our children continuously. I looked back in my past and remembered several families had businesses that involved their children. Had no clue my life would take this turn and return to an age old tradition. The American culture seems to fracture the family...the Torah (Jewish culture) connects us to Hashem and generation to generation. We must rethink how the dominant culture slowly changes us...

Tolerance for what?

Pretty unfortunate that this whole "panel" of religious people didn't bring on a SINGLE off-the-derech kid, teen, or adult and have them share their own perspective. Instead, we got a mix of psychobabble, fear-mongering, and supposed "trauma" that makes kids go off the derech ... as opposed to the reality that intelligent children question whether a god exists at all. Why wouldn't they have on the actual people who are OTD instead of having a whole panel of religious people? It's not diverse or accepting. It seems to be ironic that, in a discussion where they talk about acceptance and love, that they don't have on a single non-religious person as well.

thats what bain hazmanim and yom tovim are for. If Hashem gave it to us and if we know how to use it. We will find that the joy we offer our kids will help them a lifetime. But its work on our part. If they missed out then we can let them know we missed them......

@@yitzchakenglard2514 It’s nice to theorize about why people make the decisions they do, isn’t it? How about actually listening to people that have left and hearing their thoughts and opinions about their own experiences? The reasons you cite may or may not have validity, but this whole discussion seems to be about coming up for explanations for others’ decisions as a way to make oneself feel better rather than an honest examination of people’s real lives.

@@mn412 what makes you think I haven't?

@@yitzchakenglard2514 My comments were actually intended for the person you responded to, although it applies to the panelists in the video and some people on this chat. If you have indeed spoken to people about their experiences with an open mind and let them tell their story, kudos to you and I respect that.

You have truly hit the nail on the head about some parents not being able to reach their children's souls, or i mite add if the parent has an unbalanced approach to life & some toxic ways/thinking this may negatively affect their child later on.

There’s nothing wrong with a child who does not want what their parents want for them it’s very normal and they don’t need help the Parents need help to believe all of this

kids will be kids. Half the time that they "miss behave" is just out of being bored. Every case kid & situation is very different. For me I found that if it's out of hand I talk to the children that are affected. I explain to them that is ok to feel hurt and frustrated. I tell them I feel the same. Once the other children know its not them. So now they can scream for my help and know that I might not have the answer but I am there for them. The problem might not go away till he grows up. But if you give him the love and attention he needs it might do the trick .Talking or screaming religion when things are escalated can and even will turn them away from religion. I found that some kids(teens) will even do things against the religion because it hurts you so much. They just need to know they are just hurting themselves and that you will love them for who they are.

@@yitzchakenglard2514 this child has a behavioral disorder from a mutation in his genetics. So it might be some of a normal tamturm but other times it's not and it's harder to deal with him once he starts "cycling " . On the autism spectrum and ADHD, I sometimes wonder how others are dealing with it because there is a huge rise of cases in this last generation of children.

@@devorahvalentine7063 Each case is different. Not that I know so much. But I found teaching the other children to understand helps a lot. I have friends that are embarrassed. I know one sweet family that the father took it to personal. The child fought every day with his father. That they had to find the child an adopted family. It eats him(the father) up inside. He looks forward for his sons visits. But at the same time holds his breath knowing any second there can be a explosion. As much as the child needs love he also needs structure. There is a teaching. That if you push a child to work on what you want it should be done with the weak hand. So you can catch him and pull him closer with the stronger hand. Meaning he needs punishments to know and learn he did something wrong. Even a time out in a corner or another room. He probably won't be able to keep it. But when he calms down you will be able to explain to him what he did wrong and show him how he is just making it hard on himself. You can explain to him how his siblings think and feel of him. If not right away but over time when he's on a receiving mode. They need more love attention & reward then we can imagine. So a child a lot of times you need to hold a blind eye. Not to jump for everything. You can hint to him you saw that and with a kind eye wave you finger at him showing him he did something wrong. P.S. I knew a rabbi who had a down syndrome child who was ADHD X10. One Shabbat he was in yeshiva with his family. All the his kids around the head table each in his own world. And there brother was jumping and running around. Finally when his son jumped off the table while he was giving a lecture on the weekly portion. He turn to the group and said just because I(he) was a BT doesn't mean his children are angles. But he was looking at his son who just flew off the table and said this one thinks he has wings.

@@yitzchakenglard2514 thank you for the reply this was very helpful

Yes exactly 👏👏. Imagine a panel of speakers analyzing the “unfortunate phenomenon” of people choosing to join Orthodoxy. The panelists, to the last one, will all be non-Orthodox and come up with psychological reasons explaining why people would make this decision. One person will say it’s trauma related, another will emphasize how it’s not really about religion but about community, and so on. To be clear, I’m being sarcastic and do not judge people for their decisions, wether I “approve” of them or not.

If a child feels the need to leave orthodoxy it's usually due to the lack of love & acceptance. If children were given the space to just "be" they would not feel the need to leave. Why would anyone leave if the environment was loving & supportive. Parents need to put their big egos aside & learn what unconditional love looks like there is no need to fix anyone and If you feel that someone needs fixing take a look inward & ask yourself why you feel the need to jugde them & fix them. The biggest problem is the lack of love & acceptance. If you want to see change, start with providing a loving & supportive environment.

Yes, too bad the religious doctrine commands indoctrination and conformity. You do know that the Torah itself calls for the murder of gay people and people who make a fire on shabbos, right? That doesn't seem very concerned with human wellbeing.

I totally agree! I would add that it’s not even about if Orthodoxy is “good” or “bad”. But children have to be given a choice. And if you seriously believe that children will not voluntarily choose Orthodoxy and the only way they will live an Orthodox life is if you force them to, then what the heck do you believe in anyway lol?

Free will is one of the main tenets of judaism and isn't forced upon anyone, but taught. When parents raise their children in a healthy manner with lots of connection, barring unusual circumstances, their children will want to follow in their parents way. They will also be able to see the sweetness and beauty in their life more easily.

The geniuses said that 90% of kids who go off the derech experienced significant trauma and the reason they say they went off is not religion-related, that might not be a coincidence.

no not questionable at all the lord demands it of them it is an enormous and awesome responsibility

Interesting perspective 🤔

Yackov and Aisav got the same chinuch. Aisav was born like that. Because he was so different he had to move out. Yitzchok kept on loving him. Aisavs son learnt from his father to respect his grandfather and his teachings. So when Aisav sent his son to kill Yackov. His son did the right thing. We need to know that it's not in out hands, but we have the torah and pray to hashem and hope for the best. Todays days Loving is the only way. Look at all what's online the grass looks greener out there. Once you teach them that the grass is as green as you see it. Love it (what you have) and everybody will learn to love the way they can.

@UCQvPaU_WfRHLZpGttiuB4nw keep up the good work. May Hashem keep guiding all of us to see his ways. May he give you the strength and courage to take the steps you need to follow all his teachings. I know it's hard but if you just try it out and it's not working for you just step back and be proud of yourself for who you are.