Why are relationships so difficult? (yet still so important for autistic people)

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Written Blog: aspergersfromt...
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Email: aspergersfromtheinside@gmail.com
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: / aspergersfromtheinside
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.
The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)
Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests
Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
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// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thrity.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplain...
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// CONTACT
Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: aspergersfromtheinside@gmail.com
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Peace,
~Paul

Опубликовано:

28 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 903

@elierry 10 месяцев назад

The quick realization of loneliness in this buzzing world, it's like a sudden fall into a black hole, it's a lonely time in silence and darkness. I enjoy my time alone. But the realization of loneliness hurts, a lot. Next year, 24 and friendless. You know, you have thousands of people around you, the whole world, and yet you feel alone.

@davidsherman8382 4 месяца назад

And yet you are surrounded by lonely people. You're not alone in feeling alone.

@paulpicazo3901 4 месяца назад

So sad, my son is experiencing the same thing. He told me because of social media, COVID, etc., so many people are all alone in their homes. I had a difficult childhood, early adulthood, etc., but this is so sad to me. He is not ASD, but my husband is and has forced himself into social situations and is really good at masking. He is a lot older than you and has had many years to learn and we came from another period of time.

@jbr84tx 3 дня назад

I know the feeling. When I was 24 I felt exactly the same way. Now I'm close to my sisters, both older than me, and 1 other friend. That's all. Most of the time I'm alone. His advice on relationships is great, the dancing analogy is accurate and helpful. Now I"m 74, married and divorced twice. There will be no more close relationships for me. Kind of late to be finding out I'm on the spectrum.

@chrisblais2016 4 года назад

I love that you don’t edit the heck out of your videos. It’s very helpful to see someone work through their thoughts in a way that I do. I really like your videos. Thank you!

@eshiboo 4 года назад

I second this! I hope you keep making your videos without editing. It really normalizes the fact that some people NEED TIME TO THINK and that's okay!

@yazajag 3 года назад

Yes, this was refreshing.

@livb6945 3 года назад

Completely agree!!

@tamberjune 3 года назад

Same here

@melanierobson3336 3 года назад

Agreed. I really appreciated this. Happens to me and I get embarrassed and frustrated when I lose what I was trying to communicate. It's nice to see someone similarly human. Thank you for sharing it.

@mariangarratt5938 2 года назад

I do not get “close” relationships. Gave up 40 years ago. I have one main “emotion” it’s OVERWHELM. I can only feel like myself when alone. I do enjoy my life and my cat seems to love me. It is easy to make her happy. Mostly I relate to other people who need help desperately because they are old or ill and passed by

@4Nevyn Год назад

Same here. I hate myself when i am with others. Because I feel "weird", "odd" constantly. I also have a cat. 2 actually. I am most happy with her.

@isimonsez Год назад

Asperger folk make good cat people. Cats don’t require much

@steveneardley7541 Год назад

I have a great need for friendships, but like my own space and my own freedom too much to want an intimate relationship. I have occasionally thought I SHOULD want an intimate relationship, but eventually I had to admit to myself that I don't want one and never did. It kinda pisses me off that people think there's something wrong with that.

@cassiebennet4262 Год назад

Cat's dont "love" you. You have it trapped in your home and it obeys. If that's love sheesh fucking pathetic.

@etcwhatever 6 месяцев назад

@@isimonsezim a dog person. Theyre so sweet ❤

@marksumbler2021 4 года назад

After my last catastrophe of an attempt at being social, all it did was remind me that I can't human very well and it is pointless even trying.

@ebufi7957 4 года назад

Catastrophe is big word. I hope you heal fast. Sometimes being social is like learning to ride a bike. What is life but an adventure.

@eshiboo 4 года назад

@@ebufi7957 How incredibly invalidating. Being social is not like riding a bike, because a bike doesn't make you crash on purpose just because you don't hold the handle bars the way most people do. "Life is an adventure" sounds like just some platitude that someone with unacknowledge privilege would say. If your life is an adventure then good for you. But not everyone is so fortunate.

@ebufi7957 4 года назад

@@eshiboo you are right, when you learn to ride a bike you crash.

@CrownedMeadow 4 года назад

Mark Sumbler Nooo, don’t give up. Please don’t give up. Do your best to explain “you” to them. Some of us really do want to understand. ☺️😊

@johnhalder6599 4 года назад

I gave up long ago.forget all the "be positive" bullshit.that DOESNT apply to us!

@ShiChelle 3 года назад

Thank you. This is exactly the sort of thing I needed to hear. In some ways having a healthy relationship is harder than the unhealthy ones. There's no obvious solutions, no bridges to burn. Instead it's like daily homework with my trauma and insecurity. It's been a year and a half with this one partner and it's so hard to trust still. But I'm going to keep trying, and he's shown that he's willing to have hard conversations and figure out compromises.

@NidusFormicarum 4 года назад

When you have never been able to take care of yourself and manage your life on your own, close relationships become extra challenging. Even though it may seem impossible to get them, if you do you, that might be what you need to really learn. I personally don't think you learn very much from social media relationships. You really need to meet people in person.

@Catlily5 3 года назад

I am on disability and found a partner. It is hard but not Impossible. I found another neurodivergent.

@stackels97 Год назад

I still have huge doubts that anyone will be able to put up with all my quirks and necessary non negotiatiables like needing quiet, issues with textures , needing A LOT of alone time, not being able to be spontaneous, being task focused etc etc. Like, I can barely stand how fussy I have to be for my own sanity, let alone expecting anyone else to deal with that.

@KerryNeeds 9 месяцев назад

You can find someone who is the same and needs their alone time

@InMyBrokenChair 3 месяца назад

I am exactly like that lol

@jenniferhendrix8462 6 месяцев назад

One word! Brilliant! Never in my life has anyone captured how I feel or perceive relationships like you did in this video! Happy tears! Oh my Lord! I needed to hear this and I appreciate you! BTW this was my first time discovering this channel. I couldn't sleep and searched "why is it hard for autistic people to let go". It's ironic that your video gave me the opposite of what I was searching for but exactly what I needed to develop tools to connect with others while honoring my unique needs. God bless you Sir!

@fionascheibel977 4 года назад

It was only yesterday that i was telling my counsellor that im over being friends with anyone. They just make my life worse. They are not even friends it feels like. They are just people who's name i know. They only care about me when it is convenient for them.

@TheCgOrion 4 года назад

Maybe it should be over being friends with them. Don't close the door on everyone. There are people out there that will care, and make your life better.

@Catlily5 3 года назад

@@jlroussin Even we can learn to stay away from the wrong people. One thing that helps me is to get to know people slowly. That way I can start to see their true colors.

@southlondon86 3 года назад

@@jlroussin That is so true! That’s my exact life experience, attracting selfish people.

@arokiingaming8847 Год назад

15 years and two kids later I’ve been diagnosed and I feel for my significant other while I learn to understand my self. Your videos are very helpful !!

@derekcomer4858 29 дней назад

These videos have been extraordinarily helpful over the last few weeks. You answer each question carefully and fully for which I’m truly grateful 🙏.

@CR-oc3vy 3 года назад

I’m 25 and never had a romantic relationship or very close friendship despite desiring that every day and being ready for relationships. It feels like an impossibility for me, nobody will take the time to form a relationship and I can’t fit into dating it feels so empty and disappointing/frustrating. I just want to be cuddled, my nervous system is so out of whack after a lifetime of lonliness

@CR-oc3vy 3 года назад

I also can’t deal with gendered power dynamics, I feel like everyone wants to manipulate me and if I express that I need a certain level of care, I will be taken advantage of for being perceived vulnerable. I don’t think it’s possible to even get what I need or want as an autistic woman in love

@CR-oc3vy 3 года назад

Plus, neurotypical people at least think you’re odd if you never had relationships, making future relationships even less likely

@shinygiveaways1920 2 года назад

I think I could see the issue, that NT guys specifically might be able to manipulate you for your body and not for romance, seeing as you are an "easy target". Thats rough huh?

@CR-oc3vy 2 года назад

@@shinygiveaways1920 spot on, I am naive early on in situationships

@InMyBrokenChair 3 месяца назад

Are you still looking? M24 aspie

@scoutthespirit1133 4 года назад

wow i never thought of relationships as things that are meant to heal, ive only been seeing one side to it. thank you for that invaluable insight. i guess i used to think you had to be healed before a healthy relationship could grow.

@atanamorell2 Год назад

💯

@danielledegale6195 3 месяца назад

This was super helpful! I've been diagnosed with ADHD and suspect that I may have autism as well (although I haven't taken on that task to do so as of yet). And this has been a thing for me my entire life and seeing it creep up as if late again. Trying to be okay with wanting intimacy and being aftaid of it once it gets hard. It's good to have reminders when the flee mechanism starts kicking in and boy is it in high gear sometimes, even with my cat🤦🏾‍♀️

@shaunrpmusic 10 месяцев назад

I had this issue with my new best friend a month ago. All of a sudden I realized he and I were getting super close and all this shit that I wasn’t really thinking about started coming up and I haven’t quite been OK since. I’m getting better but I hadn’t really opened my heart up to anyone in a while (and to be frank, I always had this dumb idea that being vulnerable should only be reserved for a romantic partner). I’m optimistic I’ll get through this but this is such a strange experience for me. But this video really cleared things up for me! Thank you!

@PeteS_1994 2 года назад

Even being a friend with a person is difficult. I’m facing difficulties now, happened in past friendships.

@Greenconcern 3 года назад

Thankyou for saying this. I need to honour my meed for time by myself and time with others

@visualeffect 2 года назад

I've just found this video! You were talking about this topic, thank you so much, Paul! You are no longer bouncing a ball! I really liked when you paused and the fact you actually didn't edit the part of video. Just be who truly you are is your video's one of the most attractive contents. Thank you, I'm benefitting and learning a lot from your videos, Paul!!!

@WSNonduality 2 года назад

Dancing is a great analogy, and the final point, was really worth it! So glad it came back to you, Gold!

@samhardaker7698 4 года назад

I'm unsure whether it's my depression that's adding to the thoughts on things like this but I've become incredibly tired of having 'more friends', like, I don't want anymore, if that makes sense? Just because it's so exhausting now with figuring things out and dealing with the same thing repetitively with different people.

@SusieN2011 4 года назад

Hi, your comment is interesting. Do you make friends very easily and does everyone want to befriend you?

@samhardaker7698 4 года назад

@@SusieN2011 I can make friends relatively okay, always online first though, I have too much anxiety otherwise

@samhardaker7698 4 года назад

@@SusieN2011 but yeah, people have become very tiring.

@turtleanton6539 Год назад

Agreed

@cozie-mango 3 года назад

Does anyone else find it hard to connect with people even family members because it can be sometimes stressful at events and having family come over and say “come join us” or “why are you being shy, we’re family”

@uthman1114 Год назад

Yeah, I've always felt disconnected from my immediate family

@isimonsez Год назад

@cozie-mango Год назад

@@isimonsez oh 💀😭

@Prince_Yonte Год назад

I have its pretty sad but its not like you dont love them its just how is. Its hard to keep it up when youre not actually seeing them.

@oneworldfamily 4 года назад

Excellent video, Paul. Very helpful to me right now. Aspie wife and I going through a tough time.

@rachel_espinoza 10 месяцев назад

Even keeping friends is hard for me

@TayonaDarling 7 месяцев назад

Giving up may not be the healthiest option but it is the safest to prevent heartbreak from being disrespected and disregarded by others 🤷🏾‍♀️

@ChristophersMum 4 года назад

Thank you so much Paul...you have put into words the feelings that I had in my relationships...and couldn't understand...I do love these videos that you give us...Love from Scotland

@carolinemacrae6227 Год назад

You are very intelligent. You clarify things. You are the most helpful. I find relationships difficult. I have found someone I love and he doesn't want everything on yes own terms. Also being female and autistic is harder because of male chauvinism. And added childhood trauma violation aged seven upwards walking hom from school.

@nancysimpson5645 Год назад

This was helpful, thank you. I searched for this content from you because you're someone with autism that I can relate to. I got angry with my husband tonight over something actually pretty minor. Now that I accept that I'm autistic I try to figure out my actions and responses with a different perspective. Knowing that you understand helps and your insight that relationships bring out our own issues but it's a good thing ....that was very helpful. Thank you.

@I_am_Angerer 2 месяца назад

I struggle with relationships because they aren't processes which I can optimize to achieve maximum efficiency.

@simplypositiveme 3 месяца назад

Paul: You are Sooo valuable. I'm not cut out for relationships. PERFECT

@elkingthonjean9741 2 года назад

I fell in love with an autistic person and it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life! They fail so much in communicating empathy and they are offensive unintentionally all the time. I feel compassion for them but it's too much hard work and grief...

@InDzienInTampa 3 года назад

I like this explanation. Got into this while on my way to sleep. Yeah, it kept me up for a bit, but was exactly what I needed to hear. Well-explained and articulated.

@nicolafowler6318 Год назад

I work with an Aspie and he’s so scared of any relationship. I’ve tried to be a friend but he doesn’t seem to want that from me either. He has trusted me enough to tell me that he’s autistic and issues with his co morbidity diagnoses so I felt I was getting a little closer to him then … nothing 🤷🏻‍♀️it’s almost as if I’ve been ‘blocked’ as he’s holding me at arms length. I’ve asked him out (so to speak) and to be fair he didn’t react with fear but the answer was still no. I feel like giving up tbh I don’t even know if he sees me in any other way than a colleague as he’s so difficult to read 😟 I love your videos as this one resonates with me too, even as a Neurotypical person. Thank you ☺️

@jeaniv9889 4 года назад

Thank you for your videos and for teaching us! I find this super usefull !

@DAXONWILDINBRO 4 года назад

Especially the part when he says he talks quickly or else will lose train of thought. That’s me! 😮 I forget what am saying a lot.

@jeaniv9889 4 года назад

@@DAXONWILDINBRO same. I loved the part when he mentioned the dance analogy. That's make a lot of sense, but I struggle knowing when is the right moment to step back.

@DAXONWILDINBRO 4 года назад

Jeani V I’m new to this but thinking less. Is better 4 us unless the other person insists.

@RavensHouseOfTarot1111 3 года назад

I told my ex this! We should have been taking breaks from one another instead of breaking up 🤪

@KerryNeeds 9 месяцев назад

Yessss

@terrilewis9618 5 месяцев назад

I talk quickly too, my ADHD/ASD relates - sometimes (umm most times) I feel like I have to say all the things before people literally walk away mid sentence from me - all. the. friggin. time. 😢🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@SuperDonkeyslong 4 года назад

Thank you for your channel and your videos, I really hope you keep posting these kind of videos. It's very eye-opening watching your channel

@jeninaverse8751 2 года назад

Relationships only work if both parties are comfortable behind their own heads. Otherwise there is only transference.

@divergent_foxx 4 года назад

Thanks man. It was helpful and I do the se thing with my words. Your awesome!

@benshaw5910 3 года назад

Think you’ve just perfectly explained my soulmate and I, never met anyone like her she’s perfect! Miss her too much at times

@akaHobbs Год назад

My struggle is knowing when it is actually time to move on

@SusieN2011 4 года назад

Your videos are very informative and detailed. I recently started seeing someone who I absolutely adore. He's adorable! I met him at work and we caught each other's eyes and he found me and reached out to me. We have been talking for about three months and have been intimate. Here's the thing, I'm not sure if he's a narcissist or an Aspie. In addition to him being adorable, he's a bit odd-- he's very talkative and sexual via text but in person I feel like he's more robotic and quiet. He did say he was shy in person, and he is. He mimics me, says similar things to me, and he told me sucks at expressing himself. In the beginning,he would text a lot and was so sweet and once I expressed interest, he seems more comfortable and doesn't text me a lot. I told him he was being hurtful, and he apologized and said that he was sorry but that it wasn't intentional and that he would try to be better. He tried and has made efforts but not enough. I know right now he's working a lot and putting in 12+ hours at work at night shift but he can still say hello. He told me he really likes me and would like to spend time with me but doesn't make plans with me. We sext message all the time and he asked me what I wanted next time so that he can perform perfectly for me and satisfy me. He said he was so nervous the first time and that he wasn't sure what to do. I once again for a bit frustrated with him and he said that he's been single for a long time and that's all he knows and doesn't know what to do. Is this Asperger's behavior? I look at his Instagram and he's following a lot of women and liking all their photos. On his Facebook he's got photos of his family and he hangs out w his brothers and has a small groups of friends. But he seems a bit insecure. Help!! I don't want to ask him.

@marie-suzankalogeropoulos9249 3 года назад

@SGN2011 Hi, I believe it really important you realize it's an Aspie your talking about, NOT a narcissist. The latter NEVER confide about shyness, nor "performing", don't even apologize !... I don't mean to sound "positive" either, though : you need to make up your mind really fast, whether or not you want to get deeply involved with this human being, with his complications, including willingness to "comply", and do we actually look forward to being met with compliance, when the bottom line was supposed to be desire ? Whether for sex, sharing a life - time, projects, etc?... Could "falling" for this guy, tell more about your fear of involvement, or lack of self-assurance, even your need for help, you've been postponing to seek.? Sorry for this squaring out of the issue, but however right Paul is, about "healing relations", he's talking from the Aspie side, and you're not... Relating with an Aspie entails a trying weight on YOUR autonomy, and empathy !

@SusieN2011 3 года назад

@@marie-suzankalogeropoulos9249 Thank you for your response. You might be right...he apologized several times for hurting him and he said he doesn't want to hurt me. He has a hard time understanding cues as well and takes everything so literal...I have to explain jokes to him. I have tried so hard but he won't compromise or try to make an effort. He tells me he wants to see me then doesn't plan it. He will go for weeks without contacting me then he will suddenly appear and say that he's missed me. So that kind of makes me think he's also on the narcissistic spectrum. I've decided to no longer engage. Not after this last ghosting he did. It's exhausting and I don't want to do this anymore.

@seantuaima Год назад

I am getting better at small talk nowadays, I find some people very draining alot of the times!

@aeorling Год назад

Thank you for doing these videos!

@4Nevyn Год назад

For me relationships are about disappearing. The ones that i enjoyed, are generally that let me be "me" in their space. But these generally disappear. Because I think i have nothing to offer in return. The ones that stay are ones where i am "useful". These people stay in touch while i am useful, then they too disappear. I also think that i don't understand relationships. Even if i don't show, for me relationship with some people is very important. But they have so many that i don't count. I also realised that i rarely consistently worked on it. Whenever i do, i get so confused that i hate myself and have constant meltdowns with the rejection or the sudden ignoring or change of rules. With me people never tell me what is wrong. They just stop. It is frustrating.

@MrMeta4ical 4 года назад

Lol “did i have a final point? Maybe thats it” can very much relate. My friends tell me its endearing, and i have to say seeing you do it I can see it :p

@thenobleone-3384 4 года назад

Friendships and relationships were difficult for me growing up. I was shy and awkward around people. Now I'm confident and don't care about what people think. God is my ultimate judge. As long as u aren't bothering people that's the truth

@HeyConrado 2 года назад

dear friend, thx alot for what your doing. I started to study the posibility of being autist (or inside the spectrum) just because im not satisfy with my relationship situation, trying to find something tht could explaine my acctions and thoughts. Im watching all of your contents (intensely jaja) and every word you said ressonate in me in some way so thx alot for inspire people and give us courage to look (and feel) the autism spectrum with other eyes. idk why but i feel tht a finaly fit in somenting and, in someway, im feeling in peace with me. thx from Brazil!

@koshak7910 8 месяцев назад

i still don't understand why can't i just give up if thats so hard yea maybe sometimes im feeling lonely but...at least i dont feel anxiety and dont wanna fall through the ground every time i have a conversation with someone who i kinda care about

@miriammaldonado7848 3 года назад

I'm 70 y/o I enjoy watching your show, NT not a big difference, see similarities with the Aspie, and ASD wonderful world.

@marcusgroth6028 3 года назад

Thank you,Asperger from the inside that was really useful information I can use:)

@JackiJinx Месяц назад

My problem with romantic relationships is I don't want to hurt any more people than I have in the past. I lose interest and then get a strong interest for someone else. And while I've never cheated on anyone, I know my last serious relationship I hurt my partner because of how it ended (he was incredibly clingy in the end). I don't know how to navigate that and just feel as a result it's better to go solo, even though I do want a relationship

@itzamedave6242 2 года назад

Thank you so much for this info definitely a great channel and helpful

@CorridorOfMirrorsRemixes Год назад

I’ve found it completely impossible to even find love as a gay, Autistic man. Being an INFP is even more of a nightmare because in my mind, I’d picture the perfect life with a guy I am crushing on, the perfect house, the perfect date, the perfect wedding, the perfect scenario when I approach them. Do I even talk to them afterwards while imagining all of this? No. I fear rejection, because every single crush I’ve ever had has ended in disaster. It’s even harder being in a regional area, where homophobia is a bit more common here. I feel hardly anybody would fall for a guy with Autism, let alone a disabled person in general. Unfortunately, this world has always been very ableist and afraid of the unknown since forever. I’ve come to accept that I’m destined to be alone in love. I do feel depressed and unhappy because of my experiences. But, life goes on, and I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s quite difficult when you have PTSD AND severe social anxiety on top of all of that. I do feel what is known as limerence, which is a word I’ve recently learned that is exactly what I felt when I’ve ever had a crush on somebody. Unfortunately, they see that as: “Oh, this person is obsessed with me. Automatic red flag. Autism is no excuse blah blah blah” But, I really do know what I have ever felt is genuine love, but unfortunately it can be so awkward in that way, because society has been conditioned to see Autistic people as aliens, or “creepy” or “weird” or “potential psychopath”, whatever hurtful stuff they can come up with. I hate it. I don’t want anyone to be hurt, or miserable. I just want to be loved inside and out by someone who sees me as the man of their dreams, and we can grow old together, and love each other until the end of time. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. I just want love. REAL love. I don’t want to encounter a narcissist who will damage my mental health and make me even more miserable, I just want love, and affection, and happiness, and quality time together. That’s not too much to ask, is it? I just want to be happy, and feel accepted in this world. Thank you for listening. ❤️🏳️‍🌈 Happy Pride Month!

@justforgitsandshiggles5405 3 года назад

I miss her and I loved her so much.

@cory99998 Год назад

Yeah I rationalized that I didnt need friends in 9th grade because it was just too hard and scary, it didn't even seem appealing. That's because I only knew NT people and my family is much more NT than I am. College was the same, a couple of people reached out to try to be my friend but it felt completely alien to me so nothing happened. Even once I started working in tech with other NDs that I like a lot, I still can't actually become friends with them. Partially a lack of desire, but as I'm finding out its more that I need certain other conditions for it to work. I can't go out and hang out with people on my own and dont enjoy it so I've ended up becoming very good friends with my roommate whos fairly similar to me. But despite how well we get along, neither of us would be capable of maintaining the friendship outside of living together. It's not personal, it's just that neither of us has the capacity to do it.

@St.Raphael... 4 года назад

It's because we are on the INTERNET and we are not made for the INTERNET!

@barrykulmom Год назад

Just found that hubby of 33 years of marriage is Autistic. Welcome any input. This video was very helpful.

@Touay. 3 года назад

relationships are too hard. I get sooo lost in trying to understand what is going on and so anxious about doing the wrong thing ... I just can't keep it up. and when it comes romantic relationships, I perceive no positive feedback other than sex, and after a time, women want less sex, so the relationship collapses.... rinse and repeat until i realise it just isn't worth it.

@lambchop6278 2 года назад

I am pretty depressed right now. The only friend I have has been ghosting me for about a month, not responding to texts. Unless she's dead, really ill, or some similar reason, I think I'm going to have to cut her loose, assuming that she does later bother to contact me. Which she could. She has shown some tendency to interact with me on the basis of my being less than her/at times a bit of a runner up option. ...I am so sick to death of being treated as defective or inferior by others. ...Really. ...I feel strongly that I deserve much better than this, and I'm so tired of being treated always according to being seen in the worst possible light. So sick to death of how narrow minded and judgmental too many people are. ...Even if that is simply a percentage.. it still amounts to too few people being actually kind hearted. ...I hate to say this on line (i hope nobody I know finds this) but I am thinking about not wanting to bother with life anymore. I have long, long, long term unemployment (and otherwise under employment). Caused almost only by bullying I've dealt with from narcissistic personalities, who target me and weak bosses who did nothing to stop it (I believe their "no bullying policy" just being a shameful strategy to back themselves up legally, ironically making it easier for them to do nothing in reality). ....I have been the easy prey of bully after bully... just when I recover from one and whatever vulnerability they targeted, I get another attacking even if it's just because my self esteem has become so damaged in the process. ...I am now middle aged and I'm dispirited. ....Now the only friend I have is ignoring me... My family have never been much support, and frequently have made things harder for me sometimes a lot harder. ...Now it seems that I have nobody who understands and values me as a person. ...Even my mother regards me as something 'pathetic'... she treated me this way a few days ago, when I dared to speak to her like an equal. What a great message to get sent. ....I am ready to just give up. ...I wish I could die and only ever incarnate somewhere in the universe where beings cared more about others and accepted differences instead of being so quick to judge and attack. ...I just feel like saying a big FUCK YOU to humanity as a whole. Save a relatively small percentage of you: THANKS FOR NOTHING.

@frankieharrod1417 Год назад

28 to 1.20 mark that's where my heads been at for 3 years

@swolfe9668 2 года назад

All my friends over the past 30 years have and still continue hounding me to get married, they says it's not normal to be single, yet these are the same people who complain to me weekly about their own marriage, SINGLE AND HAPPY FOREVER

@SheikhMawini 7 месяцев назад

I’m just tired of not being wanted

@d1d1ka29 3 года назад

Strangely I found my other half.. My fiancée is making me burst out at times when I'm alone and thinking about how much she cares for me and is willing to understand me :( . I told myself I can be okay on my own, social connections might not be the right thing to have for me as it was too much. But now I am almost full of life and ready for any challenge.. I even tried small talk with the security man from the local shop, an old man that seemed happy that someone asked him about his day.

@shapesart2701 3 года назад

I think it's still more about finding the right person than dealing with AS because these explainations in the video are so universal. I have "typical" sympthoms of AS, self diagnosed just recently but managed to built relationship lasting now almost 25 years. Call me lucky, yes I was but the key to all that was 100 % acceptance and the will from both to be in long lasting relation. Aspergers had nothing to do with this.

@dukejaywalker5858 3 года назад

Very insightful. Thanks, this video has helped me big time.

@TheErilaz 4 года назад

Having a autism spectrum disorder diagnosis is not fun. Dating is hard, especially for one who has been involuntarily lonely much of his life, and will be. It's because I have the diagnosis I have. There is little I can with it, I dislike myself for it. At times quite a lot. It leads to such as low self-esteem and self-confidence. For example, being successful with women is linked to the male self-image. I know why I do not spend time and energy chasing ladies, my experience is that it is guaranteed to go south sooner or later. I simply lack the social qualities that are needed. Besides, it is quite devastating for the self-confidence fail every time experienced being downright bullied, used, , been told how big a loser, nasty, hopeless one is. Women generally like a strong man who has resources and social status. Social status does not have much to do with how much money one has, it is things like masculinity, such as genetic traits (masculine appearance / voice and so on), self-confidence, muscular, experienced, good health, ambitious, macho mystical, asshole in appropriate doses, not too kind, as well as the ability to protect and dare to take risks . An Alpha man to sum up the stereotype. I am realistic and know that I, a middle-aged, at best a man with medium rated looks,who is living on disability benefits, will never win a competition in attractiveness. There are therefore basically very few women to "choose from", and I have no intention of compromising with myself just to be in a relationship. And when you are not very good at "reading" if people are good people, you become skeptical and have difficulty trusting people .

@HaruDoneYet 2 года назад

I’m at the stage I’ve given up because I’ve been burned so much

@theghostisdead Год назад

I believe relationships become harder with time if neither in the relationship is tolerant! I wish people would understand that anger is not a normal emotion or is an acceptable outcome. Functional relationships have mutual respect and tolerance of each other! I also completely agree with you. A good relationship needs a little bit of distance, specially when both people are young. I love you video, Thank you!

@catherinapierce6036 4 года назад

Thank you for your message very well said 😊

@LeoMadrid 3 года назад

I haven't socialized with people in a decade.

@Clueless2019 3 года назад

I absolutely love the dancing analogy...Thank you...😉

@amsterdam 3 года назад

Thank you I love your video . Greetings from Amsterdam

@hanstwurst6456 3 года назад

If I am tired or concentrated on something else (even the conversation I am in) it is very frustrating and painful that a conversation goes back and forth all the time. Like. If I answer a question or describe something... Why is it, that whom I am talking to, will keep on asking about more details. My inner voice says: I just had answered, thourouly..... It should stop. Of course this is a interaction killer. Mmmmh I am 53 and realized last week I am on the Spektrum. (definitely on it) My wife asked how is it for you to have realized you are so different...(afterwards I realised she wanted to know how I was doing and coping and has a lot more questions). My answer in he moment was: "now that I know, it makes sense" ...... Regards

@sandramcinnesscott2931 Месяц назад

You said youre the ones who get hurt !!?? I cant tell you the times I have tried and given and given and given with nothing in return!!

@rokasbaksys1118 5 месяцев назад

Even don’t start to create relationships with autistic person Dam they understand everything in own world and it’s really hard even not impossible to have a good connection.😢crazy

@kittylynx8911 8 месяцев назад

Thanks so much for the video it’s very helpful ❤

@maddy420angel2 10 месяцев назад

I related to everything you said thank u for this video!!

@markpodesta4605 Год назад

Good video. I agree with what you said.

@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy 2 года назад

Me at work: "Didn't I have something else important that I was supposed to do? I was sure that I had another point when walking into this room." ☺

@jillrowan4820 3 года назад

I'm going through agonies. I have been talking to someone online for nearly three years, we are both aspergers. I get consumed with jealousy wondering who he is with even though he always (I think!) isn't. Have you any advice on relationships between two aspergers? I value this person very highly.

@janecme Месяц назад

I like the observations, not I'm not sure I agree with your answers or at least three minutes isn't enough time? Before I was diagnosed, I didn't understand I need to decompress after work and if my loved one walked in to say hello, I reacted badly towards them. I haven't had a relationship since I was diagnosed, but I'm okay with that and have some close friends instead.

@semanurag3475 6 месяцев назад

I still didnt deal with that. My ex boyfriend was having problems to make up with me again. Because even i tried to heal my relationship with him which as i was wrong in. He said that he couldnt forget what he lived in those times. And he is remembering always also he said it s impossible to make up again but he never cut off the connection with me. He talked to me sometimes tried to help me in my field in job. Sometimes tried to hurt me the way i hurted him. If he could cut all the connections he had all the power to do it. But he didnt. It s been for 4 months we broke up but we never stopped the connection two days a day three days a day maybe one week a day. But i felt so guilty because i might be careful for his feelings and his memorising. I wouldnt believe we would have this result anyway. I want u help me how to deal with him. I really felt so bad and missed him what should i do for him to forget all bad and make him believe the new future will be different as what we used i want to heal our relationship together as much as we can. And i want to add we were in relationship almost 11 months.

@motionmuse5684 2 года назад

Do you think ASD Partners are likely to be untrue or trying to cheat in the background or something? Or does he really need so much alone time.

@katiehughes6933 Год назад

I do

@verabolton 3 года назад

"If I talk slowly I forget what I am saying" - man, I can relate to that big time !!! :D

@liam61654 3 года назад

If I ramble I'll forget like it didnt happen

@danielturner9438 3 года назад

Haha nailed it

@sugarcaneplain2097 3 года назад

💁🏽😌 omg so true 🤦🏾 😂

@southlondon86 3 года назад

Same!

@jackschubert1045 3 года назад

When people tell you to talk slower 😥😥😥😭😭

@luifer.00 4 года назад

I’m not even sure I’m autistic but I know something is off about me, people treat me so oddly and relationships are definitely a struggle for me

@CrownedMeadow 4 года назад

LAF 98 🤗 Hugs, and best wishes for finding out for sure. ☺️

@luifer.00 4 года назад

Leigh Pope thank you (:

@CrownedMeadow 4 года назад

LAF 98 My pleasure. 😊

@lithiumx0x 4 года назад

I feel the same.

@sunset6920 4 года назад

I just watch these videos because I relate to them the most 😂

@nikkistephens427 3 года назад

Could you do a video on autism and a tendency towards co-dependent relationships, trauma bonding, or the person on the spectrum being used/ abused? Thank you!

@kellynichols3124 9 месяцев назад

I love this request

@tatjana_autistic 8 дней назад

Me too ❤

@dwoktheraynejonsohn4849 4 года назад

Deciding if I even _want_ a relationship is hard

@serversurfer6169 3 года назад

If you keep wondering, you probably do… ✊🤓💜

@dwoktheraynejonsohn4849 3 года назад

@@serversurfer6169 Nope, it's because I keep getting harassed and told that I need one. I've already come to terms with the fact that I don't and it's not necessary

@serversurfer6169 3 года назад

@@dwoktheraynejonsohn4849 Welp, fair enough! 💜😅👍

@darkstrifequeen1458 3 года назад

i honestly feel you there. i don't even know how to fall in love with anyone. and our society puts too much pressure on us with this crap is what's really painful.

@Catlily5 3 года назад

You can't fall in love if you are on certain antidepressants.

@lauriejean9306 Год назад

The issue is when you don't have fear of intimacy, and you are ready to compromise and do all the things that a relationship requires, but people just aren't interested because you seem awkward because you have autism...

@Wario1382 4 месяца назад

Good ol disability discrimination

@Zeverinsen 3 месяца назад

@@Wario1382... That's not discrimination, that's just a misunderstanding. They don't know the person, so to them it just looks like someone who's acting weird. That's completely fair.

@Fizzypopization 2 месяца назад

@@Zeverinsenno it is discrimination even if you don't mean for it to be.

@jbr84tx 3 дня назад

@@Fizzypopization Well you can't expect the 90% of people to change for the 10%. If your behavior is abnormal, you will be discriminated against. This is just how it is--how people are. I don't like it either.

@drlarrymitchell 4 года назад

The answer, my man, lies in the root word in "relationship": "relate"... and I don't.

@CrownedMeadow 4 года назад

Dr. Larry Mitchell 😪 This breaks my heart. I love an Aspie, and he doesn’t relate either, and I don’t even care. I think he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known, and it hurts me to know that he suffers alone and absolutely cannot, and will not ask for help (or even a formal diagnosis). It’s painful to watch when all you want to do is be good to them. 💔

@kiradelarochefoucauld7499 3 года назад

But You just did! Like Aphex Twin is only one guy. An enigma/illusion representation of soul is Relationship. Ever -changing hologram reflecting ripples in the stream of consciousness. Not a telescope mirror looking for alien life.

@BarbaraMerryGeng 3 года назад

If a person chooses not to relate- How do you think you’re ‘ helping’ the person by shoving them to be more in tube with you ? It’s disrespectful to over ride another persons’ life style paradigms.

@andgate2000 2 года назад

I enjoy my space....yet i want company. I think im a cat .

@michaelcallahan6166 5 месяцев назад

That's exactly it, and why I love cats!!

@brittanymachelle3415 4 года назад

I’m so happy I have found your channel, my husband is an aspie and especially in moments of frustration I have found myself using your channel as a resource for myself to understand his point of view! ❤️

@poromega6698 4 года назад

Me too! My best friend has Aspergers and sometimes I just don't understand his behavior or autistic manners but this channel has made me understand him and his traits pretty well. I am very glad that I have found this channel.

@shanecarubbi7864 4 года назад

Your husband is a lucky man. I wish my wife would watch some of these videos. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 7 I'm now 37 and going through a very difficult divorce. The most difficult thing is I don't really understand why still.

@brittanymachelle3415 4 года назад

Shane Carubbi Thank you I really appreciate that, the communication barriers can make it really tough I know and I’m sorry your situation has ended in divorce but I send you all the positive vibes and hopefully when you find someone else they will be willing to meet you halfway and learn about aspergers! 🙂

@braynhilton5300 4 года назад

Thanks to everyone taking their time to read this testimony on how my son was saved from Autism. He was diagnosed four years ago, and he's just 6, I have tried several treatments and medications, nothing was working out, this got me frustrated and depressed. I kept praying and finally God answered my prayers when someone from youtube introduced me to this doctor from his home country and gave me his contact details. I called and explained my son's condition after which I made an order for his herbal remedy, he asked for my address and the next day I got a tracking number for a parcel sent to me through DHL and after four days I received my order. It was a liquid herbal medicine and a letter containing the instructions on how to use the herbs, I called him again to confirm and the next morning I started giving my son the herbs as instructed and after one week I noticed great improvement on my son and I continued until the herbs got finished and everything lasted for just one month and now my son is totally free from Autism, he can now talk clearly, behave normally and has no more seizures. If you've been searching for a genuine solution for Autism, connect with this honest Doctor on Whats App + ( 2 3 4 8 0 7 7 6 8 3 1 0 9 ).

@yazajag 3 года назад

@@braynhilton5300 Autism is NOT A DISEASE and CANNOT BE CURED. This is ridiculous. Stop trying to SCAM people. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!

@Arkhs 4 года назад

I think the biggest difficulty I have is just in the moment processing. I can't respond in a timely fashion in even a semi optimal way. I constantly have to apologise later down the line for misunderstandings. Local overconnectivity global underconnectivity of neurons basically says it all. It just takes too long for the bigger picture to sink in. Time and space really does help. Edit: Case in point I took the title and question too literally and only just now got what you meant.

@maleahjacobs9678 4 года назад

Same here.

@CrownedMeadow 4 года назад

Alex Talbot Question RE: “time and space helps”. I need help deciphering a specific incident, if you wouldn’t mind. I had a phone call with my Aspie friend that ended unexpectedly and abruptly, and three weeks later I’m still trying to understand how/why he jumped to such a conclusion, took such offense, and reminded me of how he has been telling me that “there’s no good ending” to us..... whatever “us” even is. Any chance I could explain it to you in more detail and get your take on it? I’m pretty adept at reading Aspie cues and understanding the general mindset, but I honestly can’t tell if he ACTUALLY wants to disconnect from me entirely, or if it’s just too much pressure for him and he needs a break. And how long of a break should I expect him to need? Etc etc etc.... I don’t know if he’s just discouraged and I should go after him, or if he really doesn’t want me as a friend anymore. The not knowing is torture.

@Arkhs 4 года назад

@@CrownedMeadow The time and space I referred to in my comment was mostly about in specific interactions. Like I do best meeting new people with a person I already know. They give me a buffer time to collect my thoughts before replying. If I'm trying to do anything else or I'm deep in thought I often have to make the choice between being a friendly person and actually getting shit done as they pull from the same mental resources. Neurotypicals have more idiosyncrasies than they give themself credit for and masking is just draining. The background thoughts whilst trying to be social drastically increase the time between hearing some thing and being able to reply. So I usually panic and blurt out a half digested thought or whatever my childish subconscious thinks. (I often think of neurotypicals as children trapped in an adults mind and autists as adults trapped in children's minds at least when it comes to thin slice judgements and quick reactions) With regards to your specific problem. I don't think I have enough information to make an informed decision. However I think the advice I gained from this channel is solid. Let them know that you're still open to connection and that you want a connection but there is no pressure on them to reciprocate. Maybe briefly clear up the misunderstanding in your message based on what it actually was. Then just forget it until they contact you. If they dont contact you then I think regardless of neurotypical or neurodivergent if someone wants you out of their life there isn't much you can do but accept it.

@angiea8022 4 года назад

Sadly, you are probably dealing with a narcissist in your relationship.

@religiohominilupus5259 4 года назад

@@angiea8022 Let's not jump to conclusions without having enough info. Besides, even professionals familiar with Cluster B disorders couldn't diagnose someone without a thorough assessment. Armchair psychology can be a dangerous feat.

@Touay. 3 года назад

Sincere question; How can I be 'friends' with anyone when I have no idea if they want me around? When you perceive no positive feedback to your presence, and do not wish to impose yourself on anyone, what opportunity is there? And yes I know you can ask, but people are polite and do not tell the truth, and if they are saying one thing with the words but expecting me to 'get the hint', a hint I am never gong to get ....... I can't work out a strategy.

@reylime2991 3 года назад

Eventually they blame you for not getting the hint too. I hate when people get passive aggressive but expect you to know why. It’s very cowardly. Makes me want to do it back to spite them but i try not to stoop to their level.

@Touay. 3 года назад

@@reylime2991 Sadly people are often unable to adapt to what the aspie needs. So much of the NT communication is subconscious for them, that they are not aware of how to adapt their 'signalling' so the aspie can perceive it. hence why I have given up. I'd like to think I could meet a nice girl who gets it, but I guess I am getting too old for that to happen.

@backpropagated 2 года назад

My strategy is to not care. I interact with people in a way that seems appropriate in general, and ignore their potential feelings towards me specifically. After a while, I give small compliments for something outside of their identity, like complimenting something they made, did, bought, etc. I generally avoid complimenting looks, personality, or attributes that could be core to their identity (like "you work so hard!" is too invasive IMO, but "dang you worked so hard!" seems to go over better more often, because you're commenting on an action rather than their identity). If they give you compliments occasionally, then you're now 'friends' to some degree. To me there are different levels of friendship, and you have determine where your friendship is based on what kind of interactions you have: level 0: There is no friendship. they're cold towards you, they give short answers to your questions, they don't elaborate much, they show no enthusiasm when talking to you, they don't joke around with you level 1: They're aquantences. They might start conversations with you, they're generally nice, they give some details when asked 'how was your weekend?'. level 2: They're preferred aquantences. These would be the people at work/school you might sit with at lunch. They're happy to tell you about their weekend and they want to hear about yours. Interactions can frequently be humours with them. They might lightly tease you occasionally. They'll help you out with minor things. Level 3: They're friends. You might go do stuff outside of work/school together as a group with other friends. They care about your wellbeing and will try to cheer you up during bad times. They might put considerable effort into helping you out with no expectation of reward. Also includes stuff from level 2. Level 4: They're good/best friends. You hang out one on one somewhat frequently. You can text them out of the blue and ask if they want to play video games with you, go get lunch together, etc. Keep in mind, though, that everyone is different and most people aren't looking for friendships. The frequency of unplanned interactions with someone is more impactful towards building a friendship than anything you can control. Work, school and hobbies tend to be the main source of friendships because of this.

@alexong2542 2 года назад

In dating, it's even worse. How am I supposed to understand the concept called "chemistry"? How could I know if I had a chemistry with a person? The only thing that determines whether I like a person or not depends on our compatibility rate. The more compatible we are, the more I like the person. The less compatible we are, the less I like the person. It's just that simple. I'm perplexed by some of my dates refusing to meet me on a second date, when we match nearly 90%.

@backpropagated 2 года назад

@@alexong2542 Oof, yeah chemistry is so hard. I haven't been able to recreate it since, but one time I had a very fun and free flowing conversation with a girl. It seemed like talking to each other made both of us happy. I think that might be "chemistry"

@mariocondello2282 4 года назад

I've been burned so much i'm toast bro.

@jlroussin 3 года назад

mario condello me too

@melanierobson3336 3 года назад

Yeah, I hear you. Still reeling from last relationship that ended 5 months ago. Screwed me right up.

@erinwilson8478 3 года назад

Love and peace to you 🥺

@jasonalperin9167 2 года назад

Same,I can sincerely relate,people have said I'm too serious,not vulnerable enough etc,I've been rejected burned soo much,that I cant take anymore,is why I've held back and just plain given up!!!!

@chichisasmr 5 месяцев назад

PEOPLE ARE EVIL I TRUST NO ONE

@Pinedirt_ 3 года назад

i get sooo tired of other people in general. even if it's not a super close relationship i just get so tired trying to hold up the relationship

@isimonsez Год назад

What a tragic life to relish loneliness

@nicksanders9148 Год назад

it's okay, i feel like that too! try doing work outs for energy

@cassiebennet4262 Год назад

Ikr. People and their expectations. Why would anyone expect me to treat them like they actually existed? It's all about me and being a victim. People should just tip toe around narci I mean autistic people.

@Fizzypopization 2 месяца назад

@@cassiebennet4262The only person who sounds like a narcissist is you. NT people are lazy and never hold up their relationships. That's why they are the lonely ones. They cry endlessly about wanting friends and then treat them like crap. So go on talking about yourself because the only people who are playing victim right now are NT people.

@Fizzypopization 2 месяца назад

@@isimonsezyou mean the NT people? Because all I ever see is NT people complain about being alone and then ostracize everyone around them. Usually by putting in absolutely no work to the relationships and abusing the people that they do have relationships with. In fact NT people seem to be the most abusive and most lonely.

@gabis1356 4 года назад

That initial bounding, the getting to know someone is quite challenging for me. Cause it's so exhausting having to tell people about my past and things about me over and over again!!

@Waitwhat469 4 года назад

I agree so much with this. I thought online dating would help more, but even when I write a book about myself people seem to want to still do all of the "how do you" parts.

@nickkellie 4 года назад

yes, thats why I stopped dating. Its like groundhog day each time!

@BarbaraMerryGeng 3 года назад

I stopped giving my bio- history - Bio Histories don’t create relationships - shared experiences, do.

@SandraWade666 3 года назад

That is the case no matter whether you're NT or HFA. Lol. I often think it might be better to have a flyer I hand to my date w info about me

@sarita79 Год назад

Same!

@allanmaple4676 3 года назад

Relationships are essential. We don't need to be close to another person all the time. The more intimate a relationship, the more difficult it becomes.

@Dunestorm333 3 года назад

Personally I've just stopped caring about relationships, I'm an extremely independent person so I'm happy where I am right now :)

@southlondon86 3 года назад

How is it going so far?

@Dunestorm333 3 года назад

@@southlondon86 I'd be lying if I said I never felt like having a partner. Normally it's friends I see with partners that makes me feel a little unfulfilled. However I keep reminding myself that there's always upsides and downsides to everything, even relationships. Ultimately I keep thinking to myself that my hobbies keep me entertained enough :)

@fadwajapan6404 2 года назад

Search for your solemate.

@BruceTheSillyGoose 2 года назад

@@fadwajapan6404 in reality, there aren't enough soulmates to go around.

@AceLM92 3 года назад

Relationships are difficult because people today suck. They want all the rewards and none of the work. I used have self centered and cold people in my life until they showed their true colors and I said f*** those people. Now I live in a new state and have 1 of what could be considered a friend.