why covid time feels like depersonalisation 

“it’s okay because it has to be” the story of my life

“to be honest most of you have got it by now” ITS BUILD A PROBLEM

“Feels like I can’t SEE anything enough. Feels like I can’t open my eyes wide enough” Holy shit you described it. That’s exactly what it feels like to me. Thank you thank you thank you

My depersonalisation feels like I'm not real, but everyone else is. Everyone has a life and a goal and people they love or hate and a story and I'm so overwhelmed by that feeling that I feel myself disappear until there's only a body left that pretends to be me and looks mostly like me, but there's clearly something different. It's just hard to tell what

"It's okay because it has to be" is a very powerful thing to internalize.

It's comforting to hear you talk about this. Wanted to type out a whole thing but just.. thank you.

My therapist told me that a lot of people’s mental health declined during COVID because it feels like trauma all over again and COVID is the abuser. It’s the same pattern except we don’t have access to our usual coping mechanism (going on walks, seeing family/friends, being distracted at work etc).

The "not being able to open my eyes wide enough" description is so accurate. Derealization freaks me out even after a few years of experiencing it on and off.

thank you.. for just being you. i was talking to my mom about all of the “dodie eras”, and she said “wow, you guys have really grown.” i was in fifth grade when i found you. now i’m in high school and everything is very confusing and scary; i have no idea what i like, or what i dislike. i have no idea who i am. it’s terrifying. one of the only things i can count on is my love for your music. while i’m trying to ‘find myself’ i always try to look for the constants. “i don’t like ketchup.” “i don’t like going in the ocean because of the creepy crawly creatures.” my brain would always go to the negatives. but, now i know. “i like dodie.”

The lack of stimuli in my house has really made my derealization go crazy whenever I step outside lol

why am i literally crying this is. how i've felt for years and I never knew it had a name I never knew other people experienced it too. just. thank you oh my god

I was 20 when i got depressed and did absolutely nothing, no fun memories no fun experiences, just nothing and when i turned 24 and I told myself im going to get my shit together im going to have so much fun its going to be THE year for me but COVID happened. i turned 25 yesterday, felt like nothing happened when i was 24 I achieved nothing and that makes me extremely depressed. I feel hopeless, i want to give up I feel so behind compared to other people my age

people call me space cadet because i’m always oUT oF tHIS wORLD and not like in the above average way in the it feels like my head is FULL of s a n d

As someone who has depersonalisation, I feel like I'm much better at coping with this covid situation than people around me. It definitely has to do with the fact that I usually feel like this, so I know what to do when I feel like shit. It also feels like I'm losing less moments and life things than others, probably because my emotions are usually limited, and happiness is never really that happy. It's just a continuation of my limbo

i’ve had derealization for almost 6 years now, and i hear you the past 8 months have felt like a distant voice calling for me, like a distant and confused dream i can’t quite remember. i lost so many weeks because i was so detached from reality that time flew by like it would during a dream, and i can barely remember what i did during that period. i’m sorry, and i understand you

i am sitting here, violently weeping. you just explained my life and i think i might have depersonalization. thank you for making me feel seen.

I like that green color, DODIE GREEN

oh that's why everything feels like a cloud. just a cloud. i don't know how else to describe it but you really managed to put into words.

Depersonalisation story: I was officially diagnosed with this charming condition about 3 years ago to go along side the severe anxiety and depression which was a relief to put a name to the feeling. I’ve been watching dodie for like 7 years and relating to her stories it was nice to know I wasn’t crazy. After a decent bit of therapy and doctors it’s believed I’ve had it for most of my life after some splendid childhood trauma but then the alarm bells went off after more lovely trauma my brain went into intense lockdown (pun intended) in about 2017 where I was in the lowest of lows and my knight in shining armour was the depersonalisation trying to save my brain from the trauma. It has definitely been in waves of severity but has definitely always been there. I have almost no connection to emotions thanks to my brains coping mechanism and might cry maybe twice a year if I’m lucky. The feelings of being spaced out are so current and I always feel like a robot when talking about emotions. I don’t remember doing everyday activities or at work will ask who did a task only to find out I did it but with no memory due to being on auto pilot. The energy trying to stay in the moment with friends and not zone out can be exhausting. Scratching or pinching my arms to feel something and keep myself in the moment. But it’s part of my life, I joke and laugh about it cause that’s all we can do. So here’s to us 🥂🤙

I don’t have a diagnosis but most times i feel just out of it. like everything seems super bright and muffled and blurry and my brain can’t focus on anything and i’m just there. you just described how i feel and it makes me feel way less alone!

Someone was saying the harmonies might not be from the album because they sound too similar, I think rather than being directly taken from songs in the album, they could be dodie using melodies from (different songs on) the album as a basis and adding harmonies for fun? Just a thought.

GUYS I FIGURED IT OUT!! I was just watching yesterday‘s video again, and I noticed something. Do y’all remember like a year ago when dodie made the video “what you up to” and about halfway through there was a little thing and she said “here’s a glimpse of a few musical endeavors I’ve been up to.” There were three one second clips of songs. The second one was guiltless, and the third one was boys like you, but the first one remains unknown known as of right now, and the tune is EXACTLY THE SAME AS YESTERDAYS HUMMING

As someone who struggles with depersonalisation, the biggest low for me is when I’m even convincing myself that my depersonalisation isn’t real. That’s when I get really nervous. Because if what I’m feeling, is what everyones feeling then the world seems so sad to me.... Anyways, struggling to feel alive is awfull. Don’t ever make someone feel like they’re being silly or “fake” even. We feel bad enough as we feel....

when dodie went " la LA LA LA LA la la la la aAaAaAahaahahaaaahaaAaAAA " at the end, i felt that

I’m 12 and you helped me realise what I was feeling wasn’t normal, not a lot of people believe me because of quarentine and “everyone feels that way right now” but I don’t think they’ve ever been up at 2:00am gripping at their scalp trying to ground themselves. Your video about depersonalization help me better understand that I’m not crazy. And it makes me feel better to know that this can stem from my gender dysphoria as well and not just deep rooted trauma. I cried watching this because it makes so much sense to me. I love u and ur music Dodie!

I'd describe it as feeling like you're living someone else's life in their body or like you went on vacation and never came home and time does not feel REAL

anxiety + weed + radical life changes + covid caused it all for me. i genuinely thought i had lost my mind and was going crazy until i found out just how common it was. you are not alone and i send so much love to anyone going through this x

its always nice to hear that i'm not the only one going through this shit

I have Depersonalisation, its horrible during these times, bless all of you.

I relate so hard to the “oh are you feeling spacey?” thing because my family does that a lot whenever it’s really noticeable and I’m just like yeah I’ll be fine it’ll go away in a bit but it never really does it just kinda lessens slightly when I don’t give it a lot of attention?

i have depression and anxiety, and i didn’t know how to explain that feeling of things not being real, or not feeling fully here, and now it makes so much sense to me. the way you explained it sounds exactly like how i feel

im literally crying watching this because I could never describe how it felt and you explained it perfectly. I also got depression after I got this symptoms and I just feel so similar to you...

the way this was worded is so nice, you can tell dodie really has grown a lot with dealing with this. :) I have to say i am lucky in that sense i don't have depersonalisation as a full on disorder but i experienced this as a symptom of grief, right after my best friend died in a car crash last year (he was 19) .so it's always way nicer to hear when people tell you to enjoy what you still can, instead of this patronizing kind of advice like everything will be super amazing soon just hold on. Nah. while it's good to have hope, sometimes terrible things happen for no reason, you just have to learn how to pick yourself up again and again.

My depersonalization feels like being a ghost in my own life, like my body is moving without me and I’m just watching from inside my mind. Love you, Dodie, I hope you find moments of relief

my anxiety has been something i can only describe as a wildfire during covid times due to being alone with myself and i’ve recently been feeling ‘disconnected’ with myself and everything feels... not real. but i do remind myself that you feel somewhat the same as me and it brings a little bit of comfort, i think? this video made me feel very seen and thank you very much, you’ve blindly been there for me since 2017 and i appreciate you a lot so thank you ❤️

dodie: "so I'll take what I can get" Me: "cause I'm too damp for a spark--"

you’re the one who helped me realize i’ve got this. getting help for it now. very appreciative of you being open about it :)

6:00 she’s defo singing “take what you can get” bruhhhhHhhhh

Dear Dodie. I usually never comment but I just felt like I have to tell you this. I've lived with DPDR for almost 10 years, probably due to some childhood trauma I repressed. I never knew about depersonalisation/-realization, but when I saw your video (something like "it feels like I'm dreaming all the time") I was like, oh god, that's what it feels like! And then I had a name for it, I knew I was not the only person in the world, feeling like this. It really gave me hope and strength during the time it was the worst. You described it all so beautifully. It's like not being there 100%, vegetating between your subconscious and what's real, like you fell back in your mind and see everything through a grey veil. I never went to a therapist or got medication, I didn't even tell my parents about it. (I still haven't) Only a few friends, but talking about it made it more normal and I felt less like a non-existent person. I don't know if I'm cured now since I still have some moments in my life, where I feel dissociated and muted, but my illness has become a smaller part of my life. I don't think about it all the time and I can even "control" it at some times. And that's the biggest part about it: Not letting your DPDR take such a big part of your thoughts and your life. Trying to "zoom in", to not ask yourself all those philosophical questions all the time, to just accept your state-of-being. Because when you tell yourself all the time that you're not normal and something's wrong, then it won't end. Not thinking about it or "ignoring" the feeling is the best advice I can give you - it helped me to come back! And when I know think about my state, my DPDR feels so far away, I can't even totally describe the feeling I felt because it's so surreal to me now. Wish you all the best! You can do this! Thank you for changing my life.

seeing someone with such a large platform talking about this and spreading awareness is so so important. you have helped me and so many other people that struggle with this so thank you 🥺

who else now wants to hear her sing "for forever"?

I have dpdr as well. It's been really hard. Just wanted to comment to let you know that you're not alone. Youve got your community of foggy drunk nonpersons all floating around the matrix together! It's good to hear you open up about it. That makes me feel validated and seen 🤗🥰

thank you so much dodie for making videos on this, i experience it a lot and you put it into words so well, i’m not so great at describing it and so these really help me,

“I always like it when people with depersonalization comment on my stuff” MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEEEEEE you literally get me through this

THE HARMONIES AT THE BEGINNING AHAHJHSSH

I’ve been way more dissociative and depressed the last 6 months, and desperately want to get back to my original baseline. And with complex trauma, healing is ongoing work. I really appreciate you Dodie. I thought about you recently, after realizing how much I need a mirror in my room! haha. We’ll just have to give ourselves a lot of grace for making it through 2020. Ps. I’m assuming the ‘bar’ is the edge of “the window of tolerance”. Such a helpful diagram

i struggle with derealisation, depersonalisation, dissociation, the whole lot. its a fight everyday hoping it wont happen. at one point i was dissociated 90% of the time really and had a bad time with derealisation yesterday. it sucks, and i cant imagine having it chronically. i hate it when i loose my memory. knowing the answer to something i need to figure out like where am i but my head not allowing me to know the answer and accepting the knowledge into my head to comfort me. its so hard and i wish i knew how it could go away. but at the same time sometimes i do like that i can just float away for a little. not feel anything. im not saying that ignoring chronic suffers, i hate it most of the time. just trying to talk about things i guess.. this is long and im tired. thank you for the video it helped me focus for a bit when im kinda in crisis. hope your all okay, sending love. xx

this video made me feel good, i love when you talk about your depersonalization because it brings other people here who deal with it and makes me feel so supported

going to listen to orla’s song but i will be back

Ok the problem is that listening to people talk about depersonalisation triggers MY depersonalisation😂 sorry dodes, I'm gonna have to skip this one😬 Lots of love from Italy!❤️

thank you so much for being so open about depersonalisation/ derealisation, you describe it sooo well and I wish other people would understand as well 💛

Was watching your video literally last night about this hoping for an update soon. This has been hitting me hard this year, thanks so much

I love how you're so open and honest about this disorder, it makes me feel so much less alone... Thank you Dodie💛

"when covid was around"... Meanwhile here in America **covid still very much around** But for real, thank you for talking about this Dodie. Just recently started feeling derealization after having depression for a long time, and it's at least comforting to see and hear about others with it too.

Thank you so much for sharing, I've been feeling a lot like this recently and knowing that I'm not the only one feels really comforting

thank you for making this video, i connected with it so much. its great to hear about other people’s experiences because for me i get dissociated when im panicky and it just comes in bouts, usually from certain triggers. i dont know how you live with it all the time, it fucks me up so much every time i get it. i haven’t tried treating it because im scared that any medication i take will just make it come on more and i don’t want any side effects considering i have a history of mental health issues that could come back at any time. its just good to know that there are so many people out there going through the same thing, so thank you.

I definitely understand this feeling ... it is so hard to explain to people. Even my doctor, which is extremely frustrating! It does make me feel better knowing that other people suffer from the same issue. Thanks for talking about these things dodie!

As someone with life long dissociation and depersonalization it’s really nice to hear someone I look up to talk about it. Thank you!

i've been watching your videos for four years now and i love hearing you destigmatize mental health because it really helped me accept that this is something that i don't deal with alone so thank you :)

You are great! Really appreciated this and loving your recent videos x

I have derealisation too and it’s almost been a year since it started. Although it hasn’t gotten any better, I’ve learnt to accept it and do my best to live with it, and I’m certainly better at dealing with it. If you are experiencing this (or anything else that’s difficult), I want you to know that you’re going to be ok. It will get easier, I promise. You have the strength to get through it. And don’t be afraid to open up to people, having people around you be aware and there for you makes a world of difference. Have a good day/night !

Dodie I have followed you for years ♥️ and a big part of that aside from your tremendously wonderful creative gifts is because you are so open about your depersonalization. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and you help me feel less alone in something that is so hard for most people to understand without experiencing it.

This made me want to cry because everything u said felt so familiar and true, and you were able to put into words feelings I haven’t been able to. I’ve never received help for my dpdr or had anyone to talk to abt it, so whenever dodie posts a video it brings me so much comfort and a feeling that I’m not alone in this or crazy. Thank you dodie

It's very reassuring to hear that there's someone else that can relate to what I'm experiencing. Thank you so much for sharing this dodie ! you're amazing ! stay safe !

Thank you for talking about your mental health-it made me realize I dissociate and it led to me finding out about my depression!!! I now am on meds and I’ve never felt more clear snd present. Life does feel like a cloud or that you have to blink all the time in order to see in those moments. I hope one day something will appear that helps a little!!! Sending so much love ❤️

It's such a good analogy.. I also started with derealisation and depersonalisation like 8 years ago, but as a symptom of my anxiety and depression. I'm currently on medication for depression and anxiety, and it helps with those things, but the depersonalisation took a life on its own and, yeah, I'm constantly spacey. It's so nice to hear you talk about it.. because no one understands when I've tried to explain it in.. you really have made an impact in my life, so thank you ✨

Thank you for posting this, and for always talking so openly about your depersonalization. I dissociate really heavily almost constantly due to trauma that closed me off from my emotions, and that particular illness is something so few people understand.

Dodie, thank you soooo much for making this video! I feel so seen whenever you talk about your depersonalization. It is so hard to explain to people, and this video put it really clearly. When people ask me how I am, even sincerely, I find it hard to answer because it's not a question of a feeling--it's how I'm experiencing the world. It's another factor entirely. Whether I am happy or sad, it's still dulled. The texture of my life is different than everyone else's and I don't know how to tell them. The whole dullness of covid has made things a lot worse. It is a lot easier to slip into it now. But we will get through it!

I felt this so much I have little tics now because they help me figure out if im asleep or not or if I still have my senses. Like snapping next to my ear or knocking on my head, etc.

I have had derealization/depersonalization for three years now. I’m 17, and most of the time it feels like it’s not worth it. Every day, every second, is the same, it never goes away and my family and I have struggled with therapists and doctors to find a cure. I got into your music over quarantine, and I had no idea you struggled with the same thing I do. This video really made me feel known though, it made me feel like I wasn’t alone, and I’m grateful for that. Thank you.

I love how you talk about this. It's nice to know I'm not alone and you help me to understand my own feelings

dodie i am so so glad you take the time to explain and talk about your experiences with derealization/depersonalization-- i've struggled with it as well for about 6 years now and seeing that first video you posted awhile back (the one abt feeling like you're dreaming) brought me a lot of comfort during a time i didn't have a grasp on what was happening with me and why i suddenly felt like i was 'underwater all the time'. the ways you verbalize the experience and try to find the upsides have continued to help me over the years and i'm just so grateful for that. thank you, and you're right- we will be okay.

really the way i'm trying to feel a bit better about this whole covid situation is saying that it will not last forever. when it begun i was trying to think of the exact time it was going to end, i thought maybe since september and generally the end of the year, now that we're here i know we'll have to deal with this longer. although i don't know *how* much longer, i'm comforted by knowing this too, shall pass. i just don't know when.

She is just the cutest human being alive. That hewo in the beginning was everything ♡

i remember first discovering i had dpdr by watching your video; when i was 13. i then told my therapist i thought i had it and he was surprised that i even knew what it was.

Thank you so much for creating this video as well as your first video talking about depersonalization; it introduced me to a name of what I have been feeling for years and made me feel less alone in the world. I am grateful for your platform as a creator and all of the art and knowledge you share with us. Thank you dodie.

Can it also be time travel? Because I still feel I'm in March and that nothing has happened all this time. also you HAVE to cover Lovin' you by Minnie Riperton after that tease

I haven't watched you for a while, but it seems like you're in such a better place mentally and it's so nice to see:)

Your videos about depersonalization all have helped me so mcuh becausei have felt this before and when I felt it I was so freaking confused that what the hell is happening to me and I felt like I was In a dream and youre so brave for talking about this like literally no one else has ever spoken about this and I used to think I was the only one who has ever felt like that and you have helped me so so so so so much and I love you

Thank you ever so much for bringing yourself to discuss this and help us understand that uncertainty and feeling like we're in a bit of a bubble (this might mean different things to different people but to me, it feels like I'm not as aware of the people around me as I used to be prior lockdown and that's very unfair on those people) is not so crazy as sucky as it is. This community that you have created where we can understand each other a little bit better, although we are different is so comforting for the very reason that we can reach out to eachother and listen to eachother's experiences. Hopefully more people can have access to this if they need it and hopefully feel that they are being taken note of. I can't possibly imagine what it feels like to have to try and hustle and possibly survive at the same time of dealing with icky sort of feelings. So if you are a person struggling in any type of way, you rock pretty darn hard!

depersonalization/derealization has changed my life so much, i forgot what reality feels like and it's terrifying. i've had it for almost 4 years now and i've been so close to giving up. it causes really bad panic attacks for me and i can't control myself. i tried to ask for help but my parents didn't understand me, they thought i had problems with my brain and made me get an mri scan. when i can feel it starting to get worse i always stop myself from looking down at my hand because when i do, it doesn't look real, it doesn't look like my hand and everything around it seems to disappear and when i lift my eyes up to see what's in front of me everything looks bright, it looks like someone has adjusted the sharpness on a editing app, yet i feel like i'm in a dreamy sort of state. i know that i'm going to start panicking when this happens and i either run to the bathroom at my school or start shaking and crying. i feel like i'm trapped in a dream, i want it all to go away and i feel like the only thing that makes me feel better is sleeping. i'm finding it really difficult to cope with it right now and i'm not sure what to do but my friend has been helping me a lot. i've been having panic attacks 5/6 times a week at the most and usually around about 3/4 on better weeks, but it just feels like everything is getting worse right now. i thought when i first started getting symptoms i was going crazy but now i know other people go through dpdr i feel so much better.

whenever I feel my DP kicking in I pretend I'm one of those video game avatars that continue walking in place when they hit a wall, it makes it kinda fun. DP: Hello! Me: _aw shit, here we go again_

I feel so much better when I see people talking about it online thank you so much for these videos they have literally saved me

Honestly you coming to terms with the fact that you have this and watching your process on YT and other socials over the years helped me realize that I also suffer from this and looked for the help I needed to cope and find ways to manage my DPD

i feel so sad for those of you who do have this, it must be a living hell. i cant imagine how it effects your daily life. i know this comment is probably useless to you, but i wish we were more aware of this. ive never heard of this until now, it really needs to be spoken about more.

There’s so little research into disassociation because it hasn’t been in the DSM long apparently... but the lack of research is so frustrating because barely any of the therapists I’ve met in the UK have been able to help me at all 😣 I don’t know if you get this too but I also have visual distortions so like the person opposite me not only sounds like their voice is coming from outside of them they also look really really far away! Or too close up even though I know they’re not. It’s literally like hallucinating and makes me feel crazy. It often happens if I’m in a stressful convo or I’m extra anxious but I can hardly take someone seriously when they’re shrinking right before my eyes... I feel like this sounds like complaining but I’m not, I’ve adapted to expect that when I talk to my friends I can never feel truly there or like I’m giving them the real me... It absolutely sucks when our minds put a filter over the world without our consent but here’s hoping that reading my experience can comfort you a little so you know you’re not alone 🤍

thank you for this dodie. the thing i enjoy most about you and what has made me want to stay by your side is your acceptance that things are shitty, and that you go through shit, but you try your best and you do what you can in the moment. i know you struggle with the expectations others have for you, but know that i don’t hold an expectation for you, i just enjoy what you give. and i hope you know we love you as you are :)

i'm literally so thankful to have a friend like you dodie. i have never felt so understood and safe as i have when hearing about your experiences. i love you

I think there’s a few theories that make sense. We can be pretty sure it’s BUILD A PROBLEM, _if_ it’s words that are English & not just gibberish. Bc there’s 13 videos, 13 letters & the first video had 2 letters, the 13th video is probably gonna be the reveal/announcement! Here’s what I’ve seen that the letters could mean: - Title of the album or title of a single off the album (or both). As many have pointed out, it’s a bit of a weird title, but hey, maybe! If dodie wants to title her album that way, I stan! (: - It’s an anagram & needs to be unscrambled. Possible theories are (ILEB) ALBUM DROP, with the first 4 letters being the initials of the _actual_ album title. I think this makes sense insofar that she’s knitting the letters individually, which she then could rearrange & hang up in the right way in the reveal vid - The letters are an acronym for the first letters of each of the songs. An album with 13 songs & each letter represents a song! Question here is if they are in this actual order on the track list or if they were rearranged to produce words that have some sense. - An add-on to all these theories is that the humming at the beginning of each vid could represent each of the songs on the album in some way (maybe the key harmonies, or the beginnings of the songs, or “summaries” of the key melodies).

"It feels like I put a limiter on the Logic file of my life" ... that's an incredibly powerful way to describe it.

thank u for being open and talking about this, u are incredible.

I appreciate you making videos about depersonalization SO much. I’ve been dealing with it basically my entire life but I never knew what it was, i felt very alone and confused. But then I came across one of your videos about it and felt SO much weight come off my shoulders, you’ve helped me learn so much. Luv u 💕

one of the things that i find the most discomfort in this condition is dissociative amnesia. often with my childhood friends, they tell stories from when we were super young, growing up on the same street, and i feel like it is in vivid technicolor for them but a stark black with bits of grey for me. is this something you have experience with? (or any kind people in the comments really!) again. thank you for opening up about this part of your life. like you said, it’s comforting to not feel entirely alone.

i havent been diagnosed but i always have a feeling that I am in the back of my mind and watching life through a pane of glass as though it is a movie screen and that nothing is really solid, sorry if that doesn't really make much sense. i haven't told anybody about this but I don't feel comfortable enough with my parent to tell them about my depression, anxiety attacks and dprp, so I just live with it, but it gets too much and I get mad I don't know what to do please help (and dodie, you have helped so much with your videos, just seeing that I amnot the only one going through this) Also "its fine because it has to be" is something I have found myself saying too much because you know im fine, its fine, EVERYTHING IS F I N E

I really appreciate you talking about this and being open about it. You're the first person I've ever seen in the media that seems to actually have the same condition and feelings about it and I got it around 7-8 years ago same as you. It terrified me at the time as I had no idea what it was and felt like no one understood as like you say it's impossible to fully explain so your openness and honesty means a lot. We love you Dodie.

I experience the same thing. Before it was for moments, but this year I feel it really settled in and won't leave, but I am trying to be okay with it and it's so nice to know I am not crazy and other people feel it to, so thank you for this and for being you also.

knitting is really the cure to all of this, isn't it

Thank you for talking about it and in a way that helps me talk to my friends about my derealisation. This video was so soft and calm. Perfection. Thank you for just being there

wow ,, you put what i have been feeling with dpdr in words. I love your way with words , so comforting ,, I love you dodie 🥺💜

I’m currently undiagnosed with BPD and on the way to a confirmed diagnosis and my disassociation has been really bad in the last couple of weeks