I'm only 26, but I relate so much to your story, Sam. I grew up in neglect because my parents were always away for work as we were poor, and they were quite cold as people, and I am very likely neuro divergent or has ADHD which makes me very difficult to understand even until now. I couldn't bear myself so badly at certain points that I couldn't touch myself to take off my clothes or take care of myself. I also felt out of sorts in my own skin for so long which possibly caused me to develop body dysmorphia and eating disorder early on. So, I've always felt like I was actually a boy because they had all the freedom and fun. Where I am, we're very conservative; girls have to sit still and straight and look pretty, have good manners, dress in very specific manner, know how to cook and clean and clean up boys' mess, listen to men's orders, victim blamed a lot, had no equal rights. It just was more advantageous to be a boy. And I was usually known as a cool type of person, somewhat mysterious and unfazed. So, a lot of girls and boys would roleplay or treat me like a boy. Some of my friends would act like I'm their boyfriend. By middle school, I thought I was lesbian, then by highschool I figured I was bi. Then by uni, I understood that I was trans FTM. It was a hard fact to accept as that was the hardest thing to even sort out especially in such a community. So, I finally accepted myself as a boy and stop dressing as a girl. Told my mother who was extremely disheartened and against it. Thus, I finally accepted myself as a boy in my head who was just dressing up as a girl to appease my mother. At some points, I met a guy who's a really sensitive soul, and he talked to me till I fully comprehend my situation. I felt at peace with myself even if I had to live in secret. That's when I found the courage to search it up and found studies saying that the brain and hormones are still unstable up until 25. Thus, if I'm thinking of doing drastic changes, I should wait till I'm at least 30. I also found a lot of studies on how trauma causes dissociation that can lead to trans shifts. Thus, I waited it out. And by 24 and after a lot of therapy, I started to shed all of my traumas. It's like a weight was lifted from my shoulders along with the heavy boy coat I had on. I felt empowered as a woman. I fit in with myself. I was centered, albeit still shaky. By 25, I was really stable especially with the help of that lovely soul (he's still my friend, btw. Shoutout to you Afi). I'm glad I waited until my cracks started to fill in, till silhouette forms right, till I'm done cooking, till I'm able to decide for myself, till I'm able to fight for myself, till I'm comfortable with my own skin. Love to you, Sam. Thank you for the video, it is eye-opening. I hope you're at peace with yourself forever. Tl;dr: to all of you, please wait till you're at least 25 or check if you have any traumas or PTSD before transitioning. Learn and allow yourself to love yourself before you try changing anything.
@@isagoldfield7393Romans 10:9-11 says, "If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved".
This..."If you are not seen as a child, if you are not touched...don't even know you're real" I felt this statement in my soul.. The agony. The loneliness. The longing to EXIST. Thank you Sam. Your words make ME feel SEEN. I used to pretend to be asleep when we'd get home from my grandparent's on Christmas Eve just to experience the feeling of being held as I was carried from the car to the house.. It only happened a couple years.. But you're right. It's such a profound feeling. It validated my very existence. And in that moment, for that minute and a half, i was loveable. Bless you.
There’s a young boy like Sam in my neighborhood. His violence repulses me. His energy amazes me. His eyes break my heart. From now on, I will look him in the eyes and let him know “I see you. I love you. There is nothing wrong with you.” I was so wrong to look away. Thank you for waking me up.
More than see him, can you call a child protective service to get him protection? I don't know which country you are in, but many have services that can intervene when a child is being abused. Oftentimes (incl in the US) they have hotlines you can call to make anonymous reports.
@@camilla757 - be careful when you give that advice. Many child protection services are evil and rape & abuse the child whether they purposely send the child to a foster home that's abusive or rapes, or they sell the child off. That's our reality, we live in a VERY evil world & the ONLY way to stop it is WITH US TOGETHER to fight the evils who control this world.
This is not a story about detransitioning, it is a story about being human, about opening the heart. Thank you, Sam, you are beautiful soul, a lover of truth. 🤗🙏🏼
@@CF-wp7xo I completely agree, the most honest thing on the internet. Thank you Sam surviving, for your beauty, for your beautiful masculinity. Absolutely stunned.
Hmm we been saying. Men are men and woman are woman. There is no changing it. Act how you want. Doesn't change much, the gays that you see "act" as the opposite sex means nothing. If gender is not connected to sex it has no meaning in reality. There is no book to bring a man or woman.
I was wanting to give you a big hug as well. I too, was very badly abused in every way. I remember wanting to be a boy. I think God protected from being gay. I want attracted to women. Jesus revealed Himself and Hoods love for me at a young age and it has been a journey of healing and becoming the person Hee designed me to be. I pray that you will know Him to and the unconditional Love that He never tires of giving. Like you, loving myself is the hardest part and your words about representing ourselves were very good. ❤❤❤
Sam, thank you. I am a 75 year old woman, not trans, who has fought the battle of being an invisible child all of my life. Almost everything you say is bang-on true for my life, too, and I could probably write a book in response to your talk. Thank you for your bravery and your honesty.❤
I am a 72 year old grandma and I am sending you a giant hug. My adopted son was a badly abused as a child and he has a hard time trusting even after 40 years of love. ❤ Be healed Sam, you are precious in God's sight.
i have a cat called Precious who reacts to objrects being lifted or bottles with liquid, depsite living with me most of her life took her 7 yrs to trust meNice ogf you to send hugs. if we could be kinder. xxx.
This really speaks to so much mysogeny in the world where men want to inhabit, control and sustain women for their own needs - and it’s all rooted in toxic and abusive masculinity that does not allow boys to become genuine men of god as intended.
It's about sexism. How a man cannot get the healing and support he needs from society, so he has to pretend to be a woman to be held and comforted. As if men don't need that. As if all men are strong and aggressive and independant. Men also suffer abuse. Men also need psychiatric help and emotional support. Men also need to be crying on someone else's shoulder. It shouldn't make him any less of a man. You shouldn't have to pretend to be a woman to get the tender love and support that you need after an abusive childhood.
lots of people are missing the first part of your video in which you say "if youre trans im talking about me not you", i feel like this story can be listened to and validated regardless of who the listener is, a supporter or not of being trans, or if theyre trans themselves or not, everyones experience varies, and this needs to be known when one listens to your story, orherwise there could be a foolish unreasonable invalidation of it. thanks for sharing your story
Everyone deserves to talk about their experiences & what they have learned. While trans people should hear a few detrans stories as we're discovering themselves, to better ground our decision-making process... There should be caution against using it as DIY conversion therapy, as it's a form of self-harm to suppress your true self. But ultimately, detrans content is meant to bring community to people who have gone through that journey to finding themselves - it's [usually] not someone on a pedestal to tell others not to transition.
@@ZijnShayatanica although im uncertain but it does seem like there is a group of detransitioners who ae actively against transitioning for everyone from the few videos ive seen, but i agree that everyone should voice their experience and 100% agree that people who are confused and/or are discovering themselves should listen to various stories for clearer perspectives, i can definetly vouch personally that theyre helpful in the journey of self discovery
I feel like only someone who watches this video understanding and supporting trans people would actually be able to react to it accordingly and sincerely. Besides that, it's true that this and other's experiences with detransition are completely valid and amazing to hear. I don't think it diminishes the trans experience at all, and most trans people would agree.
@@ZijnShayatanica Your true self is your sex. The question is whether or not you have an emotional desire to emulate the other sex so strongly, that you're willing to medicalize and be a discomfort to others in society. Emotional desires are not our true selves, they're just desires. This is not a judgement, its just the reality of the situation. Its dressed up too nicely sometimes in trying to avoid this reality, but that is the reality.
@@EmptyD0llI just don’t understand how you can listen to detrans people tell their stories, especially when they’ve been trans for so many years, and not question the entire idea. Bc don’t they always say trans people need surgery and hormones bc they know their true self, and nobody would ever transition for any other reason? But… if some people detransition and say they chose transition due to trauma… and they were just in denial… why are you so sure this will actually work for anybody in the long run? What are we doing? What are we letting doctors do to people? And for what?
I have no idea why you are in my feed, but I am grateful, this was terrifying and profoundly moving. This is beyond a TED TALK. Much love and tenderness to that boy in you that is now a man. It is a wonder that we survive our childhoods.
A boy tossed about by neglect and abuse grows into someone astoundingly beautiful as everyone here is witnessing and attesting to . Sam I have never seen someone so real and finally self accepting.
As a therapist and a human, I am overcome with gratitude and respect for what you've shared, and how you've shared your experiences here. Your honesty, insights, and self-awareness are a rare and phenomenal gift to the world. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
@@midnull6009I believe you are interpreting that statement incorrectly. They mean human as in having the qualities of compassion and mercy. They are not referring to their species. 😂
@midnull6009 why are you SO Triggered by a lovely comment that isn't even addressed to you? You need to tend to some inner wounds my friend, do not overshadow others grace and compassion with your harsh judgements, go out lay on the grass, treat yourself to something nice, show yourself some love.
@@midnull6009 yes, "human" is a noun....but in the "therapy world" a person can also be described as having human qualities. I think you need some therapy.
I was molested for 2 years from a teenage babysitter. She was supposed to take care of me and make sure I was safe but she took advantage of my innocence. I ran from the torture in my mind for a long time because I felt that the adults in my life knew about the abuse and just looked the other way it was hard for me to trust others. It still haunts my sleep but I have decided to take my childhood and use it to help others. You are a brave man and thank you for sharing journey.
My husband is a beautiful soul who was also neglected and not protected. I see the scars in him, the way violence and screaming in the home is so normal to him, the way he finds love and kindness unusual. . He has come a long long way, but i see his wounds. Lord give me the strength to help my darling man heal
My sweet sister, stay strong and with God. Remember only your husband can heal himself. ❤ It’s your support, understanding and kindness that is required. 🕊️
WOW!!! SO horrifically sad how many men marry without having dealt w/their childhood trauma and then bring those hurts & behaviors into their marriage and then dare to say "people run to divorce too quicky".😢🙏
Wow, I got so much from this video, which I wasn’t expecting, if I were to be honest. What I heard most is that we are all “detransitioning” on some level, from our own stories of unkindness that we tell ourselves about who we think we are. All that negative self talk which was instilled at a very early age, that brain washing. When you said, “Stop coping” “If you cannot give yourself kindness and tenderness, where else is going to come from.” That just slayed me. With the added admonishment of not seeking it in others, but then tempered with the warning that those who you keep close had better be the right people, the ones who see you. Thank you for that. You pierced my soul. So much wisdom, even if over such a difficult and wandering journey. I see that you are still in a process of transformation, as we all are, and you still have a ways to go. Somehow, I don’t think the work is finished just yet. You have reason for hope, and you have given me some as well. Thank you for sharing some of your time with us. I know that you don’t want to keep telling your story, as you say, but I’m very grateful that you did. There’s power in your story, so don’t discard it without understanding its value for the rest of us. I wish you Godspeed and many, many blessings. May your soul find comfort and healing. May your journey continue to be washed with kindness and tenderness. 😊
May God continue to bless you with all the tenderness, kindness and compassion. You are a child of the most high God. Sending you Love! YOU ARE SEEN! YOU ARE HEARD! YOU ARE RESILIENT! Dogs are God's gift as His ambassadors to love us unconditionally. ❤❤
Dear Sam, I am a 70 year old woman who has never experienced the suffering you have !! I want to tell you I LOVE YOU. If you where my Son I would be so proud of you for your courage. Compassion, & love. God bless you, & know he LOVES YOU!!❤❤❤
its true Sam, your true Father (mother figure as well) is authentically in the Lord who will shower you with immense love and accteptance that you did not recieve, folks such as this commenter truly mean what they say. Seek Him, please do, and you will be set free of that burdensome shame -
"Don´t be around people you think you deserve, be around people who see you" thank you from the bottom of my heart for that! Sending you the biggest hug possible, from a Mum.
I say this as one who's also not been seen. Begin really looking at others and seeing them as best you can. Take time to really WANT to see them. I stopped searching for others to see me, but instead began focusing on giving others the privilege of being seen. By doing this you stop TAKING from others and rather give them a gift of authenticity in another person...you. You become a person who loves and respects others rather than one desperately searching for affirmation and self fulfillment. Find your truth in this truth. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Psalms 23.
I had such a cruel mother that I was never able to describe just how bad she was, especially mentally. Mental abuse/bullying is hard to prove when it's done to you covertly. The vast things she said and did wont leave my mind, they haunt me hourly all of my life, I'm 58. I have severe depression, anxiety and random severe panic attacks.
@kristinburton4953 I'm 58 too, grappling still with the long term sexual abuse that my mother knew about but turned a blind eye to . 🙏praying for you, all of us that have suffered at the hands of horrible parents.
I can’t believe what some kids go through. Every child should be protected. As humans, that should be the one thing we can ALL rally together to do. No matter what areas we disagree in, we should all be in agreement to help the kids.
Bravo! I am not trans, I'm straight and recovering cptsd. Every word you spoke, Sam, was a gold nugget to me. Thank you so much for your eloquent, touching, intelligent address.
@@mac-ju5ot , Mac, I'd be remiss if I didn't pass on that I am 61 and none of the traditional talk therapy & meds helped me. When I finally saw someone (3 yrs ago) who was an expert in ptsd, he used somatic experiencing on me and I did some eft on myself, did I begin to get better. I hope you're doing well. If not, consider finding someone who KNOWS about this. Also, a big help was listening to Gabor Mate' (Expert in ptsd and how our brains get high jacked) Best to you, friend.🙏
I have never seen someone be such an expert at psycho-analyzing themselves. I mean world class self-awareness here. I am sure after a lifetime of serious soul searching but wow hearing your words make me instantly hop in your shoes and empathize. God bless you, you are very wise and sober minded.
I have been able to psycho-analyse myself just like this since I was 15/16 or so. It’s such an incomprehensibly painful thing to be able to constantly do.
This is one of the most beautiful, authentic, vulnerable, shares I have ever been privileged to listen to. So much growth in this life time. What I see is a beautiful human being blooming in self-love, embracing self- truth. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your journey.
38 year old straight male here. I would call myself a man's man. Right wing conservative politically. You have shown me the meaning of strength. True strength. I am inspired by your raw, unabated and pure strength. Strength of character and wisdom to make anyone envious. If you do not see it, I am here to tell you that it is there. Your honesty, through RU-vid no less, is astonishing. You have cut through every millimeter of your mistakes, your false perceptions, your justifications, your ego and discovered the truth of yourself in a way that I envy. Men live entire lives and do not come to the realizations you have come to. Some men experience far less trauma and pain and give up. But not you. And to do that, after ALL the terror and pain you endured.. to do that after 25 years of living in your comfort zone of of false safety.. just amazing on every conceivable level. You exude strength. When you talk to someone, you can pick up on these things. You have been tempered by the flame of battle and you have emerged strong, sharpened and ready. You have been tested and found worthy. Honor and virtue, are yours. You have mastered yourself. I only hope, that I can be as strong as you have clearly shown yourself to be. That I can walk through the fires that lay ahead and come out stronger than before, as you have done. I bow to you, in respect. I pray and I wish that you never err on your path forevermore. That you find true Peace, Forgiveness and Happiness for the rest of your days. A great reward awaits you in the afterlife, of that I am certain.
A wonderful comment addressed to a wonderful man. When somebody is able to see the magnificent soul of somebody else it's because he is also a magnificent soul🙏
You are a wise and beautiful soul. I, like Victoria, love your comment, too. Your words brought me to tears after Sam brought me to tears. Tears of joy for both of you. I hope Sam reads your comment. Have a beautiful, blessed day, young man. 🙏
One of the most beautiful comments I have ever read on a RU-vid video, very fitting for this man's testimony, Emmanuel, God with us, so evident in this man's truth, and in your comment.
Thank you for eloquently expressing everything that should be said. To Sam, you are CHERISHED, as you needed so much when you were an innocent little child.
I hope no one uses this incredibly strong, amazing mans story to spread hatred. You are such a strong man, Im so proud of your journey and self discovery
@@LethalOwl it’s called “reparenting” in psychotherapy. you might benefit from help of someone who knows how to access and analyse your childhood with you. Our beliefs and behaviour tell a lot about our childhood. We have our parents/environment internalised as neural connections (memories, models, schemes) that makes us think, feel and do stuff as if it was “us” and the truth about us, meaning we are very consistent. Reparenting changes your internal parent (your self-talk) and eventually your beliefs. That leads to healing or at least to developing strategies to manage it well.
@@TheKaraqi4 I'll look into this, if I don't forget. Copied the information to help with not forgetting. Thanks for explaining and coming with all the information.
I am a 68-year-old grandma, and I am sending you love and all the hugs and tenderness you did not get as a little boy. And I am sending love and hugs and respect to the man you are "standing" before all of us, sharing your story. You have moved me so tremendously that I am bursting with pride for you. And I am humbled. You are Sam. ♥
Thank you for sharing. My son at age 4 was abused by an older boy. He began sleeping with a slip of mine, then onto stealing my clothes. Therapy, non judgement and love gave him the healing he needed without going so far down this path. He’s a happy/healthy adult male and my heart ACHES that our society and the people around you…cheered you on but didn’t inquire deeper, didn’t provide a soft place to be nurtured and heal. I’m so thankful you’re sharing. This is so inspiring.
As a detransitioner myself, I had to learn some very valuable lessons but from the opposite direction. This is so beautiful and well spoken and I'm so glad that you have found more of your way and are feeling more whole and better. Thank you for sharing. Trauma and abuse are terrible things but you are so right that we are more than a story and more than the things that have happened to us. Much love!
Hope you don't mind but would like to know how do you feel about people who are happy they transitioned and wouldn't ever go back? not that people who de-transition "go back" to who they were before, but would you have preferred social and chemical/medical transition was illegal aka criminalized? So you had no choice but to conform to the stereotype gender roles and norms of the ruling patriarchies?
@@sophiepooks2174 Personally, I support transgender people and I think they exist and I believe they deserve equal opportunities, respect, and care. I don't think transitioning is just something someone does out of trauma. I think that people should be more informed and careful about transitioning, but that's more to keep them safe no matter if they choose to continue or go back. I have some very important people in my life that are transgender and I would support them either way, but I cannot imagine ever forcing someone to stop their own freedom of expression. Even though my trauma influenced my reason to transition, I do not apply that to everyone. I just really want people to find happiness and comfort in ways that work for them. It's a complicated situation.
As a trans person, I appreciate your kind response and your support of the trans community. I wish you all the best in your healing journey. I hope you have a lovely day/night.
Hello Sam, Greetings from Montreal. I am an older man now next month I will be 57. (And I am still alive) I grew up as you did. When my parents labelled me "the mistake" and shut my light off, I become invisible. We share many common threads. I've been living with AIDS alone for over 30 years now. I have been married for 19 of those years to my husband. I'm not "Seen" by many people. Your message is Profound. And I think, even if you are in transition, or, de-transitioning, whomever you are, your message should be required listening to. My gay life has been fraught with difficulty. but I am not my story. Anymore. Thank you for your honesty and care. I am touched by your message today. I am sending you all my love and hugs today.
This really hit me. I thought about it a lot. My whole life had been one train wreck after another. I was abused as a child. I deliberately sabotaged myself with bad people because I thought that’s what I deserved. Thank you, Sam.
We make choices based on what our experiences have been as children; they're not always the best choices for us but they're the choices that "feel right" -- it takes a lot of hard work and good guidance to re-align our realities.
Traumatized people do pitiful things to escape their sad reality but it hits back. It hits back real hard. It's better to face it early, and heal from it. Thank you Sam for sharing your experience with us. Hopefully this helps to someone else. I'm also traumatized but in a different way and the rotten fruit I've also nearly eaten up and spitted out finally, it's real hard work on one's self. God bless you.
@@Poodzmadcrowd oh please the only people with their voices silenced are the only group with actual medical researchn backing their transition, meanwhile transvestites use that treatment then cry years later when they realise it was meant for a very specific group that they are not in. We got called gate keepers for it and shouted down. And now that those same people are all detransitoning we get shouted down for pointing this out when people try use it to stop genuine transsexuals from receiving treatment the ONLY proven treatment for us.
Had this video played in a crowded movie theater, I believe everyone would have given it a tearful standing ovation. What an incredible video to oddly show up in my YT feed. I can't relate to any of Sam's life story, but the lesson is in the epiphany... an eventual conclusion many of us can relate to. And isn't it as sad as it is wild, that we slow our minds enough to ponder these insights in the latter years of our life journey? Sam, at 67 yrs old, I give you a tearful standing ovation, if only from my dim laptop glow while in my bathrobe at 2 am.
As a young trans ftm, I have learned and listened to come to the realization that the only true self acceptance comes from within the self, I’m learning to love myself and my identity. However your story is truly amazing, I’m sorry for how our community treats detransitioners and you. The self is an ever growing and changing thing that should be celebrated, no matter what.
I'm amazed by your profound experience as a boy. Growing up female, being continually molested, raped, and worse, I always had the perspective of how difficult it is to grow up female. But then I became a mother of two precious baby boys and really began to see how this world attack and tries to destroy boys. So, yeah. I really do see you, brother. Thank you so much. So much. God Bless you, Continually. May you keep drawing closer to Christ. Walk With God! I Love you
Yes, sexual abuse isn’t just about sexual assault. It’s also how boys are too often encouraged to nail one another in their most vulnerable areas, both physically and emotionally. That’s where much of abusiveness starts. Grateful that some are beginning to recognize it.Finally!
I don't think it's contingent of gender. I grew up, the third female, last child . I was rejected at birth and was told at the age of six if I had of been a boy my father who actually said I wasn't his, would have stayed in the marriage. He left when I was three. The scapegoat abuse, from my mother and sisters was debilitating. Just being a girl was wrong. My mother was religious and also schizophrenic. She took out all he hatred on me. I hated being a girl. I was a tomboy and all I wanted was approval. At school I was bullied and isolated. I went to a girls school. I was carried into hospital at 14 dying of anorexia . I survived but of course it was all my fault and labled crazy. It flipped into bulimia, which I has chronically for 26 years. My self hatred was enormous. The neglect, abuse, psychological torment , sexually and emotionally was crippling. Of course alcohol, drugs, promiscuity etc , sabotage plagued me for years. By the Grace of God it was through my reading the Bible as a little girl, where I saw the hypocrisy. I rejected though my faith for a long time. I'm 62. If I did though have Jesus and my deep convictions which I turned back to I don't know where I'd be. I still struggle with my mental health sometimes but I know God is my refuge and strength and never leaves or forsakes us. His Love endures forever. I'm sorry what you went through. Just horrible. You are a testimony . God bless you sister! ❤️🙏
I was also severely physically and sexually abused and defiled as a very young child to 16 year old. I’m almost 50 and struggling daily to even know who I am. I both empathise and understand aspects that you are mentioning here. I’m so sorry for your loss of yourself and your innocence. Your bravery and courage are truly the real man that you are. Thankyou for sharing your story.
There are holotrophic breath work excercises you can find on youtube specific for releasing trauma, I would recommend doing a natural medicine called 5 meo dmt, but do your research first, it's intense and might not be for everybody. Best of luck
As a Christian grandmother of a little boy this breaks my heart that you went through all that!! It's terrible that our brokenness breaks children and impacts their whole life. I pray that you do find self acceptance and healing.🙏🏻
🙏🏽🌱Thankyou for sharing a part of your story, with us, Sam. And absolutely, we are way more than a story, than our story. 🙏🏽 Even though my situation has nothing to do with the things you’ve mentioned, I had my own situations that I needed to overcome also and so I can relate to some of the depths you’ve experienced with the emotional and mental transition, of overcoming my own “ escapeism” I had used to cope with life before Jesus Christ drew me near to him to hear his gospel and start reading his word so he can begin conforming me to his image, and so I’ve been doing my own letting go of ways I lived or how I used to mold myself into things that no longer suit me. And I can relate to what you said, with age, I’m feeling more at peace than I ever have, thanks mostly to the Lord. .. & Lots & Lots of introspection..Hindsight is 20/20! I’ll be praying for you, Sam, for the lord Jesus Christ to continue to draw you near to him through his holy word. Sending you a big hug Sam. 🙏🏽💜 I’ ve got some videos uploaded to my channel made by my Christian brothers and sisters in Jesus Christ who minister God’s word really inspiration ally and powerfully, but truthfully. . . if you are interested. Not trying to make this about Me!…just trying to show you I relate and you are heard and I’m rooting & praying for your continued healing. 🙏🏽
I’ve always hated having breasts. I wanted to be a boy. I never wanted a penis. I just hated the girlie things and dealing with breasts. They’re uncomfortable. I’m 60 now. Please take them away. Yes, dogs and true friends are all I want now. Sex-I don’t need that now either. I’m not seeking it from others. You’ve figured it out, honey. I was Abused also. Tenderness, kindness, compassion are all that matter. Nature and my dog keep me alive. I’m glad you have that too.
The wounded masculine can be a dark and terrifying place. But you can be an expression of the divine masculine, kind, loving, compassionate to self and others. You get to write the script and define masculinity on your terms and make it beautiful, powerful, and strong. You are a pillar of strength for so many who face complex childhood trauma. I am proud of you and I see the light within you. So deserving of love and acceptance. Thank you for being exactly as you are.
sorry that you feel inclined to share your story despite how difficult it must be. I see some of myself in you. I suffered a bit of neglect but not even remotely the same amount as you. I also transitioned a couple of years ago, but it came from a place of extreme dysphoria for over fifteen years that led to many years of severe depression, dissociation, and anorexia as well. We all live our own truths and find those who we relate to. I think there are others like you, and I hope you find them and love yourself. I know who I am just as you know who you are, and I am a transgender woman, and I just know in my heart that this is who I was meant to be, and this is who I will be for the rest of my life. If my perspective changes, then it changes, but currently I have nothing to fix. I am happy being me for the first time in 20 years.
I wouldn’t have been able to word it so calmly. Though I feel for the past and present Sam for the tribulations he went through, I can’t help but wonder how many people would be willing to use his story to disavow trans people that suffer a lot from dysphoria and - as is in my case - have for the majority of their life. Most of my problems stem from the discomfort of what I actually am looks-wise and not from the negativity I have experienced throughout my life. And while I still have to heal from the internalized negativity, the disdain towards my looks long predates what misfortune and mistreatment I suffered and it still persists to this day.
I was an abused child and I had to learn to parent that broken little girl because I was self destructive and self loathing but now in my 60s I feel like that child has mostly grown up and is at peace.
I'm so glad you are on the other side of the trauma. I really think that's why the older years are referred to as the Golden years-we finally accept ourselves and can live in peace 😊❤
Although different, my childhood was very similar to yours. 🥺 I can identify with (so clearly) what you went through. I am 52 years old. There was no internet or support groups., when we were kids. I was raised in rural Montana and felt that I was the only one in the World like me. Alone, isolated, terrified, profoundly sad and confused. That was my childhood. All I wanted was my mom and she was dead. I didn’t fit in with the “boys” and was an outsider with the girls. I am so, so sorry that you had a similar experience as a child. I’m sending you the biggest mental hug right now. 🥰 We made it. 🥹 We are alive.
I relate as well. Not one of the boys, not one of the girls. Isolation, terror, depression, profound loneliness. The past stories are losing their grip, but the grief is still lodged in my gut.
@@romy3424 To this day, walking in to a school can send me in to an anxiety attack. Or just being around a group of children. I had three sisters and a brother who were all popular. Cheerleaders and a star basketball player. Then there was me… getting whipped in to a corner with towels in the gym locker room. Kids can be especially cruel.
@@Jason-xb3jh Yes. Cruelty arises from pain, fear, and ignorance. But no one has been more cruel toward me than I have, because I was hurting and afraid and I didn’t see what I was doing…claiming the world’s ideas and needlessly making them my truth, imposing inferiority upon myself, terrorizing myself with the anticipation of rejection and punishment. And maintaining a lot of that into adulthood. It wasn’t my fault, but it’s my responsibility. I’m working with it. I’m tempted to say I’m sorry that we’ve suffered in this way. But I know that at least some of my suffering has since alchemized into gold. That’s clearly the case for Sam as well, and I bet it is for you too. So I won’t say I’m sorry we’ve suffered. And it’s probably dishonest to say I’m grateful for the suffering. But I will say that I honor our suffering, and I’m grateful for the gold it has become. I’m glad you’re here. People like us may or may not ever experience much belonging in this world. But even if we appear to be alone, at our cores we belong to each other and we belong to the Mother-Father who molded us from earth and ash knowing we would someday turn to gold.
@@Jason-xb3jhyes, kids are cruel. Everyone wants attention, negative attention is better than no attention in the eyes of a child. We were all teased for something. As an adult I see the need to tell everyone about Jesus. We are not god, we need God. Knowing we have a loving God that wants us to love Him back is the best comfort a person can have. And, yes, I said, “He” because He revealed Himself in His Word, the Bible. He died for our weaknesses and we should thank Him. Lord Jesus, I believe in You, help my unbelief. God bless you.
"I'm a man with a strange history that's informed me and educated me. That's what our story does." -- You're journey and story brought me to tears. While I do not share your story, the first 49 years of my life was wrought with abuse and misery. I went from a painful childhood straight into an abusive marriage. Now, I am finally whole. Thank you for sharing your life with the rest of us. It will bring courage and healing to the journey of many people!
I think you are going to help a lot of people with your story. Not only those struggling with their own identity, but others to maybe be kinder and more understanding. You are an amazing individual.
As an ftm person who does just enjoy hearing others perspectives and is comfortable with the possibility I may detransition one day, this video was a great watch. Your self introspection and personal thoughts were just…. Really got me thinking. The idea anyone would hate you for speaking your story just because they are still transitioning is bewildering to me. Thank you for sharing, will def be checking out more of your videos in the upcoming weeks
@@apebass2215 already transitioned to someone with virilised characteristics who lives socially as a man in day to day life/am perceived as male by people I meet. Yeah I’m still female and I can happily admit that but my goal was to combat dysphoria and I’m significantly happier now, regardless of if my genotype or internal organs have not changed 🤷
I feel the same way, I'm transmasc and still hold space for detransitioning people. I try to avoid making egg jokes (oh this person is trans and hasn't "hatched" yet.) because I really value mine and other people's autonomy. Ultimately I respect that many people aren't trans and can still express themselves in a gender nonconforming way. Our lives and our bodies are our own journey, and I just want people to be happy living on their own terms :)
I agree. I don't usually see other people comfortable with that possibility. xD At the end of the day I'm doing what I see as necessary to move forward, and I will continue to do that. That could lead to detransition one day, and that's fine. I doubt I'd regret the steps I took to get there. I think it's important for people to be able to find themselves, regardless of how.
And if you see a child struggling who is not your own , make sure that are noticed. I guess this it what foster parents do. They must be angels. Sam needed an angel.
As a cancer survivor, I have had double mastectomies with no way to have implants due to deep gouging during surgeries. I have been to several plastic surgeons who either refused to do reconstructions, as they would not match in any way or they discouraged me from trying. I also had a complete hysterectomy, 12 years later, because of endometrial cancer. Hormone therapy was not an option either as my first cancer was Triple Negative breast cancer. Then, along came colon cancer.five years after that. None of my four cancers were metastasis. Even without female parts, I have felt no less a woman. You have experienced terrible abuses. Sadly, you now understand and speak to the hearts of all of us who have been hit by heartbreaking circumstances.Thank- you, Sir! 💖💝💞As an aside, I too was abused as a child. My first cancerous tumor was exactly, EXACTLY, where the thumb of my step-father's hand began to violate me. Finally, 66 years later, I am finding myself. May God bless you. Always.
I was enthralled throughout this video. I wasn’t expecting such openness, courage and deep understanding of the human soul. You are blessed to have come this far. Trust that the best is yet to come. Much love and blessings!❤
I like the ppl in this comment section omg…this video just brought out the compassion and kindness out of ppl that we should always have on a daily basis with everyone. It’s nice to see it here, just try to be like this more often and the world will be a better place
I think there’s a lot more kindness, compassionate and understanding in this world than we know. This is a small fraction of people that care about people. Always believe that. ❤️
@@donnah.3779 - yes, but the question is, are they kind in real life, not just in the comment section of evil YT? That's the test, not something you comment online.
Wow. This is profound: "There is an essence from which form arises. Form is a physical expression of our essence, and my essence is I am male." Truth! I absolutely love this story. So much love to you Sam.
Yes❤❤ our spirit essences, our souls, are either male or female. Male and female have different energy signatures. And it is our spirit energies which form our bodies. Our bodies are male or female because our souls and spirits are male or female first. The Navajo elder Wally Brown has several videos about this. Everything in creation is either male or female, including planets and stars, and our very souls. The earth is a female planet btw.
I've been a RU-vid user for many years, this is one of the most inspirational, open, honest, and profoundly real videos I've ever had the good fortune to come across. Bless you, and thank you, Sam. Sending you masses of love, light and peace.
I worked with severely emotionally disturbed teens for 28 years, and I saw this sweet, lost soul's situation so many times. The boys who allowed me in showed me a pain that was no words for, and some did seek an alternative way out. I can say that it ended well for all. Then what one would consider as being well is just accepting this is all it is. I'm still praying that they find acceptance and peace.
This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. I desperately wanted to be a girl when I was young, but since I'm almost to 70, transitioning was not in the general consciousness. Thank you for sharing your journey and for showing all of us that radical self-acceptance is what frees us to be authentic, to give and receive the love we all so desperately need. I love you for that, my brother. 0:02
Yes Sam….abuse leaves scars deep deep in our being….its the most cruel violation of one’s psyche and damages one for life. We survive but never really heal because for the rest of our lives….at times it resurfaces and you are taken back to that moment. I suffer severe depression at times….just a small trigger perhaps and I’m back at being the abused little girl. Yes…it did make us stronger, wiser,, more aware and empathetic. We celebrate the richness of our age and wisdom.
I like the illustration of us being like trees struck by lightning: we are damaged but survivers, our branches still grow thick and strong but definitely in different direction than would have been sans trauma
You are Loved by the God of the Universe. I pray He bless and hug you with His Holy Spirit. Prayers for you. All the pain you have been through you did not deserve. May The Spirit of Truth guide you. Jesus Christ>Truth. Bless you dear brother. Let His Spirit Embrace you and ask Him to show you the Truth. We are all imperfect humans but through Jesus Christ and accepting Him as Savior, you will be set free and know Love that never dies. HE ❤S you. I speak from my own experience. 🙏s for you to discover Him who Is Love. He died for you. Blessings So sorry for all of your painful experiences😢 But days ahead will bring you His Peace and Love that will bring Healing. Many are asking Him to Bless you. My prayer is that you come to know Him and His Everlasting Love for you❤
This is so much more than de-transitioning. I hope this video reaches the people who need it. Thank you for sharing your experiance. Your bravery and strength are seen
The child in me remembers the yearning to be seen and loved. The teenage girl in me who was traumatised and violated remembers the desperate need to disappear to remove self-disgust. The mother in me is reminded to hold my children with tenderness, to truly see and accept them for who they are. The adult in me anticipates getting older, wiser and more humble just like you. Sam, your story is full of universal lessons. Thank you for telling us your story. ❤️
You've moved me to tears. Thank you for encapsulating and expressing so succinctly and eloquently the essence of what I was feeling having watched Sam's extraordinary video, 'the mother in me' bit in particular!
Hey Sam, it’s 230 in the morning right now, I’m 29, and I’m going through the same thing right now, finding myself again, because of my trauma I tried to hide myself and become something else than who I was, the trauma destroyed me as a person as well, I went under the knife to remove every bit of evidence that that prior person existed, I tried to bury my pain and scars by being someone else I didn’t recognize when I looked in the mirror, only last January did I start realizing that that isn’t who I am, I’m a man, a grown man who’s been hiding for 11 years, I don’t want to hide anymore, it feels like a façade, so I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and experimenting with psychedelics as treatment, to let me be myself, without an ego, to let go and love myself again, that’s my life goal, to just be happy, and live a fulfilling life, sure missing a few parts now.. but those parts didn’t make me who I was, neither do the ones I have now, it’s in my heart and soul that makes me, me.
@@headupno9 I agree, Since I realized that about myself, I notice it a lot more in others and question everything, if someone has been hurt and is just trying to hide too.
This is profound wisdom wrenched from immense suffering. You must have found the people you really do deserve along the way to help you rise. Humbling to witness ❤
Your story is excruciating, heartbreaking, and heroic. And your eloquence as a storyteller is staggering, astounding, and dazzling--full of peace and pain and power and profundity! I am in awe. God bless you, and if He nudges you to write a book, go for it!!
I’m a mother to a 2year old little boy and it broke me hearing about your childhood neglect 🥺 My son is my greatest joy and I just can’t imagine fully what you went through as it’s unimaginable .You are so loved. You are cherished. You are perfect! God Bless you Sam.
Sam, I don’t think I have ever felt love for a total stranger the way I do for you watching this. God bless you. You are a very intelligent, insightful, honest, beautiful Man. My heart is broken for the little boy Sam. Thank you so, so much for sharing your story. I am certain this will help many. I am so glad that you can parent yourself now. Sending you kindness and tenderness. God bless you richly.
I was reared in a family that was clinically dysfunctional. I am the oldest of eight. I will not describe what occurred. What is important for me is that I had to except that my reaction to that life was effected by the situation I was in and how I as a child tried to deal with it. Without knowing it I was trying to survive mentally. I have a photo of myself at the age of 17 and I look like I just left a death camp. I left home at 18 and spent the next 35 years fighting depression and all that goes with that; three marriages, many, many jobs, and no real direction in my life. At a point I realized I had chosen to let my parents keep me in their grip. Once I dropped that I found life manageable. The need to destroy my parents in my head went away. I attended ACOA meetings for years and remember (just like many others) that at first I knew that if I told how I felt I would start crying and never stop I had surpressed so much for so long and it made me feel safer that I had locked it away... I knew it would kill me/ I did cry and and I did not die and the tears did stop one day. How hard it was to understand that my "normal" was the chaos I lived as a child and that I actually worked to recreate that well in to my adulthood. They were victims too. I have learned to trust in God and His Son and to live with an intention to heal a little everyday. My faith holds me up. Thank you for sharing where you are in your journey. I am sure that it helps many. If I may, in the end we are in charge of how we react to anything. Nevertheless, trauma is trauma and everyone cannot find relief the same way. We do not know what went on in other peoples formative years and it is hard for some to believe that a human can have their person hood, their ego, destroyed by the age of 2-3; some of us never recover. I wish you well. Continue to nurture that precious and tender "inner child" because that is the real you. Others took that away from you just as did my parents. I have forgiven them. God Speed Sam!!
As a Christian mom of 12 children, your comments about a child's need to be nurtured by their mother really made me wish I could hold you, rock you, sing to you, stroke your hair, kiss you, bathe you, feed you...... I LOVED your closing words: "I am happy now, living in truth and love." God bless you, thank you for sharing. I will pray for your continual healing journey. 😘
@perspective2024 I am one of 10 children and we were loved, protected and cared for beautifully by our parents. There was loving discipline as is needed within a large family.
You, Sam, are a very wise, brave, brilliant, and kind man. You are loved. You are seen. You are worthy. Please keep relying on God. I am sorry beyond words for the abuse and neglect you suffered. It is time now, as you say, to be here, to be yourself. God is using you to help people. Thank you for being His instrument.
@@Call-Me-Sam satan begins very young trying to convince us that we are not worthy of anything good, let alone God's best for our lives, so glad you showed us all what a LIAR he is. Please read my comment above. God speed Sam!
“You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender.” John Mark Green ~ Thank you for shining your light! I believe God will redeem the years that were violently and brutally taken from you. Countless lives will now be transformed because you courageously tell your story and share your profound insights. God bless you Sam❣️
Tremendous eloquence, self knowledge and resilience! All of your choices along your life path make total sense to me. You have SO much wisdom and heart to offer a wounded and confused world. Thank you.
This resonated with me, though I went the other way, I still fear all sorts of intimacy, I turned into ace and about 30 years got defensive and angry even about sexual jokes between my friends, it was if all sexuality was a threat to my very being, all touch was a threat too if it was not a fight. fists could touch me but nothing gentle and kind, worst abuse always came from people pretending to be kind... I know in my heart that I will always remain asexual, but at least now I can accept sexual themes in shows and the need for intimacy in others around me... I still have trust issues and all the neglect caused problems in my body and brain... but I survived... You too survived, you are strong! thank you for sharing this, I now know I am not alone in these feelings... press on and thrive!
I stumbled across this video by chance and all I can say is that I'm mindblown. Everything you said is so profound and wise. I have never experienced such a grounded person in my life. You exude peace. I had to pause and write a few of your quotes in my notes app, because this was just so meaningful. Thank you for sharing this with us. This was such an uplifting end to a tricky day.
The sheer joy on your face when you talked about spending time with the dogs! They really are the most healing and special beings on this earth, I wouldn't be here without them 💗
Reminder! Just because THIS trans person failed doesn't mean that YOU will! Keep on your journey if you're a trans person reading this! Just because THIS trans person didn't know themselves doesn't mean YOU don't either, YOU DO KNOW YOURSELF!!! Don't let other people's experiences, religion, cis people or random transphobic bots detour your own personal journey!!!
Sam, as a non binary person I just stumbled across this in my feed. And while I normally don't click through to this kind of content, as this content can very often be a lot of self hate introduced into my feed, I clicked through anyway. While i'm not sure where I am in my own journey, I appreciate the introspection while also being very respectful of other people's trans experience. I don't think the de-transitioning cohort is a large one ... but that does not mean that it does not exist, nor that the few who do de-transition of the few who transition in the first place are invalid. You sound like you found your healing and what is best for you. I heard nothing in this but radical self love, with no expectation on others to change their direction necessarily but just consider your viewpoint. I feel like that it does reinforce that we need to be careful, as I consider a medical journey that I really make sure that I've sought the help that I need, and determine for myself after that if I need a medical transition to live my truth. I may still. I may not. I am not there yet. But this spoke to me where I am certain that others, speaking from a platform built on and an inner hate that I would have otherwise not have heard out. Thank you for sharing your story, and approaching this subject with love.
Thank you very much. We walk a difficult path and must try and find balance between head and heart . When we are young, no matter how much information we have access to and no matter how careful we are and no matter how we may think we understand who we are, we simply cannot comprehend the changes that occur in the discovery of identity that unfolds through the passage of time as we age. Life really is a process that leads us toward non attachment. The ideas of who we think we are profoundly change as we mature past the self focus of youth and begin to surrender and in doing so become free. We live in a strange time where surgery is normalised but make no mistake , it is risky and damaging. Tread carefully and please be kind to yourself... don't hurt yourself, you have a long journey of discovery ahead.
As sad as I feel for that little boy, I am also so proud of your healing........ this is incredibly profound. God bless you, dear one, beautiful child of our God Most High.
Thank you for sharing your story. Detransitioner stories are just as important as trans stories. I’m a trans woman who was forced to be a cis man for 35 years. 35 years I knew who I was and it was taken from me in the worst way. Hearing your story about detransitioning reminds me of my story about transitioning. I’m finally living as god made me. I’m finally free and present and whole. For me, it’s not a security blanket but my truth. Pretending to be a cis man was my blanket and my protection. Everyone wanted me to be a man so badly and I eventually gave in and it kept me safe. But I was trapped inside that entire time. It feels so good to let go of him. It feels so good to finally give myself permission to love myself for who I am as a trans woman. I was abused because I was trans. My dad couldn’t accept that I was a girl in a boys body and he forced me to be a boy. So my story is different. Either way, we have to protect all children. Cis children and trans children are all gods children because that’s who made all of us and science is catching up and proving that we exist. Not that we needed proof because god is all the truth I need. I wouldn’t be me without god. I wouldn’t be a woman without god having made me a woman. A woman’s mind and soul in what use to be a man’s body. I wish you all of the love and peace and I hope transphobic people can learn from our stories, detransitioners and trans people alike, and learn to love us all even though we’re different or misunderstood. 💗
@americasmomloveeveryonenoe7517 I agree and that’s how I found out I was a woman. I’ve known my whole life and had that taken from me but when I stripped back all of the layers and was left with only me again, I remembered who I was. Being trans has nothing to do with appearance, that’s gender expression. It has nothing to do with hormones, that’s a treatment some seek for dysphoria but you’re trans regardless of what healthcare you have or don’t have access to and you’re trans regardless of your appearance. Being trans is who I am. I’ve been trans my whole life, it didn’t something I do. I lived 35 years not “doing” anything about it and hiding it. I lived 35 years not changed my appearance or anything. Just locking myself up deep inside under all of the layers of pretending to be a guy. I had to imitate what a guy was in order to survive. I had to adopt the appearance of a guy and fake it just to stay alive because of people like you who won’t let children be themselves. People who’d rather torture children and try to kill them unless those children behave and pretend to be something they’re not. 35 years I lived the the fantasy of manhood. So you wouldn’t hurt me anymore. I couldn’t be something I wasn’t after trying to be something I wasn’t for 35 years. I had no choice but to finally accept who I was even if abusers and people like you would go back to hurting me. I deserve to be here. You can’t take that away from me. Being a woman is effortless for me. It’s who I’ve always been. 35 years I struggled and put in endless effort trying to force myself to be a guy and look like a guy and walk through life pretending to be a guy enough that people would believe me and leave me alone. You have no idea how hard it is for trans people who are forced to live as something they’re not. The effort that is involved so that we don’t get murdered. When I let go of all of that fear and became what the universe always wanted me to be since birth, when I stopped imitating being a guy and strip away off that appearance I had worked so hard on with my fashion, testosterone and body building, surgeries, all of it, and I was left with my truth. I was left with how god made me and what I was all along that was stolen from me. I was simply a woman. A woman trying to survive a world that hates women. A world that abuses us and forces us to be something we’re not. The moment I finally accepted who I was, I began to heal. The second I let go of everything I was pretending to be I began to heal and feel peace. I won’t ever let people like you abuse me ever again. I won’t ever pretend to be a guy just to make you happy. I’m healthier and happier than I’ve ever been and I’m a mother and involved in my community and have incredible friends and I never dreamed my life could be this good. I have the healthiest relationship with myself I’ve ever had. Now that I’m finally loving myself unconditionally. I didn’t ask to be born trans. None of us ask for it. Trust me, I wish I were born cis. You have it so easy in this society. You’ll never know what it’s like to be born this way. You’ll never experience the abuse I did just for being born trans. Leave kids alone and let them blossom into their true selves and not your fantasy of what you want them to be. I accept myself. I love myself. Even in a world designed to keep me from doing so. I deserve to be present in my existence no matter how hard you try to take that from me. I am who I am. I won’t do anything any longer to ever appease people like you. Trans people are just trying to exist. Try doing the same for yourself. I found who I was in myself as a child. I’ve found myself after being a man for everyone else and for the world. Mirror the beyond and look within is something I always say. God is in me. I am in me. I carry me wherever I go. I was born this way and I’ve been me the entire time on the inside and now I’m finally living for me and I won’t let other people take that from me. I came back to me. That little girl that was taken from me. My childhood. My entire life thereafter. I’m here. Finally. And forever. I’m home 💗🏳️⚧️
I am a mother to 2 boys and I want to hug the little boy in you 💔 ‘If😢 you are not seen as a child; you don’t even know you are real that you are here’.
You know, our younger generations might have problems but at least we got to see the mistakes the older folks made to help us raise our own kids better
Trauma affects so many of us and it is heartbreaking. I wish we could all just hug each other and ease some of the pain. ❤ I was not seen either…I’m 56 now and I still don’t feel seen. I’m glad you’re healing.
You did it Sam. You have overcome horrific trauma by doing what you had to do to survive. I identified with so much of your story. I never thought of transitioning to cope with massive trauma. How creative. We do what we can to survive. The first time you said the word, "tender," it made me weep. The only touch I got in my childhood from both parents were beatings. I don't remember tenderness, only bullying, disdain, disgust and derision. I'm just finding self-love and I'm 76. So glad you did it much earlier. I actually had no knowledge of the abuse until I was eulogizing my father at age 49. I'm saying the words, just as I'd been trained--to look perfect--and inside my psyche was churning. (They say you can't have more than one thought at a time.) I now know that I left my body to cope with the pain of the beatings. I'm grateful for that coping mechanism. As a teen, I discovered alcohol and from then, I buried my pain, not even knowing why I was drinking. You're a brilliant person, Sam. Life, in general, is difficult. I choose to make my religion one of helping each other through this life. What matters most, I believe, is a kind spirit. You're the Phoenix rising out of the ashes, emerging triumphant. (I lived in England for a time. Your favorite place is enchanting. I used to call the forest my "cathedral."💙
