You hit the nail on the head for me, I hate someone saying things like you did a good job it feels like a bar that's set and I fear not meeting that next time.
Right! i thought thats what the person would say, that it left too much room for disappointment. Its so interesting because it really makes me realise how complex and different people are
When I was hospitalized, my therapist telling me they were proud of me for asking for help is one of the few things that got me through my stay and kept my going. I feel silly about it now, but I can't even say how much it helped at the time. There's always a time and place for everything. 💙
I havent watched the video yet, but I can relate, after being infantilized by a covert narcissist "mother", people saying they are proud of me feels like condescension.
The person being triggered by therapy ending makes sooo much sense. I realised that there was an element of a power dynamic in my attachment. When ending a relationship, I was fine if I was the one doing it even though I still felt sad and grieved the loss of that person. But if they ended it, it triggered my feelings of unworthiness and not being good enough 🙈
I think it's weird in general when people say they're proud of you unless they played some pivotal role in your success or upbringing, it's just like what right have you to be proud as if you've done anything to contribute to my accomplishments in which to take pride. Idk maybe just a very literally interpretation of pride. I'd prefer people say they are happy for me rather than attempt to share credit for my achievements.
This might be a case of semantics, but there is a stark difference between telling someone "I'm proud OF you" and "I'm proud FOR you". The former means that you're acknowledging the other person's achievements. Pride does not automatically mean "of the self" in this instance. The latter of the two options, is what I think closely resembles your initial point. That's when a person inserts themselves into another person's success and "shares the pride" or takes it all for themselves. This should be avoided. Just my two cents.
I agree with SKGuna_writer. Any time I've said "I'm proud of you" I don't believe it has Anything to do with me. It's being proud for that other's accomplishments, for the hard work they did.
I find it condescending like don't be proud of me admire me. I don't like people being proud of me but it's not because I think I don't deserve it. I find it cringe and I genuinely don't want to hear it.
@@thisisntallowed9560 If it's not too much trouble, could you elaborate more on why you find the phrase cringey? I'd really like to get to know your perspective on the matter on a deeper level. 😊 Side note: it's 3AM here, I'll be going to bed in a few minutes and will reply when I wake up. I do sincerely look forward to your input about this. 🙂
@@elizabethfindlay5752 I've always thought the same about the phrase. But maybe there's something we're not seeing. I'm sure other viewers can chime in and provide their insight as to why the phrase can be a problem. 😊 Note: For almost 2 decades of my life, I've never had anyone say they were proud of me until one day, my professor handed me my first report and said, "I'm proud of you". I almost burst into tears. That's when I realised I'd been gaslit my entire life by my family.
I LOVED the stitches analogy ❤ I used to find people telling me I’m doing well dismissive, as if they were ignoring the pain I’m still in. But now I know they are trying to recognise the progress I’ve made. And I make more time to reflect on my successes too, as well as grieving the difficult times.
I had therapy yesterday and almost every one of the things discussed here came up, I am so so glad i clicked on this video to have breakfast, I feel less lost and confused about my relationship with myself and my parents and have lots of journalling ideas to follow before my next session. So helpful, thank you 😊
Much of the problem is that we define ourselves by the trauma. It is okay to take that identity to the next level - being able to talk about it with others so they may feel supported.
Therapists and family aside, once you're over 40, it's likely that nobody will ever say they're proud of you again. So enjoy it while it lasts. Make people proud of you and embrace their compliments.
Regarding feeling awkward when someone is proud of me, I get this but think it comes from somewhere else. For me it's more growing up with a sense of modesty and that attention should be focused OUT and not in. To receive praise should be minimized as it's drawing attention to yourself. I feel like I should be doing excellent work to the best of my abilities but that it should be invisible to those around me. Things should magically happen as if a ghost were doing it. If I'm receiving praise then that means I've failed the second half of my task.
Grandfather passing, a heartache, grandmother passing, dogs broken leg, family distancing, might lose the family farm. Definitely a vulnerable time, with my uncomfortable attempt to not completely self destruct. I’m in all all out rebuild with more memories and repressed emotions than I want. I’m a male who would try therapy, after ~10 attempts with different people pretty much just gave up on it. This video has got me thinking if it’s possible trying to do it all myself.
I have been told once in my life in 53 years "I'm proud of you", from my father when I was forced to put down my dog... By that i mean not just him but everyone. I wish i was told it more often, it may have changed certain things in my life.
God, I hate when people say i did well or they are proud of me. I always feel like i dont deserve it and that now something will happen to show their approval was misguided. This is something i am working on little by little in therapy though. It is tied to my childhood for sure and my lack of confidence.
I used to think that people in general telling others they're proud of them was an insult or a lead in to an insult. Even now when people say they're proud of me i get either a tense anticipation of an insult, or if it is some one i'm really close to and know they're sincere i feel really icky afterwards. like 1 part imposter and 1 part guilt. like um... like if were exchanging gifts and i get them an ok gift and they get me a fantastic gift. Story time: About a decade ago i'd been trying to not be a terrible person to my loved ones and friends and i think i was making good progress but sometimes i'd accidentally slip into jerk mode, and one of those times one of my friends (who was about a decade younger than me) told me about something he'd been doing and i, in jerk mode said i'm proud of you. I immediately regretted saying it. He turned and looked at me crying and i immediately started to apologize. He was confused for a second and was like "No, these are happy tears" I was speechless. I learned that day that some people mean pride in another sincerely. Didn't change how i felt about receiving it, but i learned it wasn't the only way proundness could be
Is there anyone here so intrinsically motivated they don’t care if people are proud or not proud of them? If someone said they’d were proud of me for something, I’d just take it like they told me it’s raining or sunny outside.
Often when I am asked why I don't feel proud or pat myself on the back for something my response is I don't feel worthy of such recognition for something I should just be doing anyway as a decent person.
The question about being praised was very interesting to me. I'm different in that, not always (and it's gotten better) but my initial reaction whenever someone says "You did that great!" is that it feels very condescending. I've gotten a lot better with taking praise and compliments lately, but it still hits me every now and then. And it always makes me feel... angry or just offended in a "you didn't think I could do that?" kinda way. 😂Probably stems from childhood as everything else. :')
When someone says they are proud of me, I feel like a failure as if I was showing my brokenness and that someone noticed it. Also, I am struggling with my therapist shifting quickly into “fix it” mode and trying to solve me instead of listening to me. I voiced this concern a couple of times. I feel like maybe she doesn’t understand me. She also has me “score” our session at the end to see how I feel about how the session went. I am afraid to score her low because I don’t want to upset her- not that she would get upset, but I don’t know if she would. It causes me anxiety.
I personally hate to hear praise, congrats or the pondering for praise from my mom because it reminds me that at age 21 I got none for something my mom saw as predatory behavior upon me which I did not. I came back from that talking as the fun thing I did over the summer,so to speak, and I was told to shut up about it.
My job i was said i had to do better... i did the same and they was like oh good job what you do different? I was like i did the same exact thing 😡 thats why people being proud of me is all fake to me
That icky feeling could also come from childhood sexual trauma. ie: if your abuser told you they were “proud” of you because you are keeping the disgusting secret between the two of you. Just one explanation, maybe
People bring proud of you are thanking themselves for supposely something the made happen! People that potentially didn't support you financially, emotoinally. Its BS. "I hope you feel pride in you accomplishments" removes themselvses, amd puts.the accomplishment on you, where it belongs! It's like if somebody apologizes but the word you is in it. "I'm sorry you...whatever" is NOT an apology for how they failed you. Stop them mid thought. Not an apology if somehow they manage to blame you!
The pride question was wild to me but I get it. One shouldn’t want to hold on to dead ends it starts to corrodes what is heathy or the growth. Someone being proud esp for those who have had to really overcome serious deep struggles is not bad but is just uncomfy to be seen.
Because you mentioned them, i really like your analogies. They so often help me to better understand and to easier compare the things you describe with my own experiences. Thank you for your work and all your videos 💚
I can't watch our videos Kati. I used to but then I unsubscribed and stopped watching and listening to you and now that youtube recommended this clip I just jumped to watch because the topic is so relevant to me, but then again unfortunately I had pause it after 2 minutes of listening and I have to close the tab now. The big reason for me is that your swallowing each time and pauses and swallow swallow has always been terribly triggering for me, it makes me cut off my ears or pull my hair. I can't stand it. You used to be my favorite, but now I can't stand listening to you.
Forgive me, but you swallow throughout these videos quite often, and the swallowing is tense. What would you feel if you slowed down and didn't swallow in that way? Imagine when the moment where you feel the urge to swallow like that comes, and you simply not swallow, simply not react to that urge. What feelings would you be left with as a consequence? I'm posing the question for you, you don't have to answer me. I don't want to offer unsolicited psychoanalysis on the internet lol, but in case you're interested: It seems like an emotional regulation technique. You expect yourself to appear a certain way (e.g. not be slow) on camera, and tension arises as time goes on as you work to maintain that expectation, and that tense swallowing is meant to control your internal state. This is just my thinking as I'm watching these videos, which I appreciate you taking the time to make. Since you're an experienced therapist, I trust and am hopeful that you won't take my comment personally, or as an imposition over boundaries. But this exact pattern of swallowing has been around for a while, unchanged. I felt compelled to pose a question and leave it be. I hope that's ok. Thank you for making these episodes!
Difficulty swallowing is an interesting one, being locked up in the throat area, a feeling of constriction. Swallowing issues is strongly related to guilt. I have had a strong sensation in the throat region, like a constricted feeling, related to not having a voice growing up in a narcissistic family. Vagal nerve therapy and Om or Aum chanting were effective to heal from it.
@@HeartFeltGesture Thank you for sharing, I relate a lot to what you're saying. To be clear, I don't think what I'm referring to with Kati is difficulty swallowing. Can you tell me a bit more about Vagal Nerve Therapy? Inspired and encouraged by Dr. Ekberg on YT, I like breathing exercises to regulate the Autonomous Nervous System, it really helps me calm down, which helps relieve the tension in my throat a little.
@rt0124 The Vagus nerve is a large nerve network that extends from the brain all the way down to the gut. Its where the saying "As above, so below" comes from. They call the gut the "second brain" because our feel good neurochemistry (involving things dopamine and serotonin) are made by the gut microbiome and then travel through the blood to receptors in the brain. Trauma affects the gut microbiome, which then causes an imbalance in neurochemistry. Food addiction and emotional eating then exacerbates this gut imbalance. Emotional trauma affects the Vagal nerve (and the entire central nervous system) and puts us in a negative bio-feedback loop, anxiety and fear are seated in the solar plexus region, thats where we have that gut-churning sensation which comes with chronic anxiety. As above, so below, and as below, so above. Anxiousness in the gut then gives rise to anxious fearful thinking (catastrophic thinking, looping worst case scenarios, usually related to fear of abandonment by emotionally unavailable or emotionally abusive narcissistic parents or caregivers) and anxious, fearful thinking then has an impact on the gut giving rise to neurochemical imbalances which then compounds fear and anxiety. Vagal nerve stimulation is something worth looking into, its too involved for me to outline here, many videos on RU-vid, and Google diagrams of the nervous system showing the Vagal nerve networks. There are pressure points on the back and front of the neck. You can stimulate with a hand-held vibrating massager or just use finger pressure. I also watch the Dr Ekberg videos. Deep diaphragmatic breathing like that taught by Wim Hoff is also very helpful. Also yogic Pranayama breathing techniques are useful.
I know this video is a little old but I am telling my wonderful therapist that I’m doing better because of her help (her and my Dr working together) and I know that she will be proud but I don’t know how to take that. I’m afraid that I will fall back and I don’t want anyone to be proud of me too early. I’m not sure if I’m confident yet that I will succeed. Eventually I will believe in myself, hopefully. Ha!
