you are NOT my family 👀 r/AITA | 1 800 Drama Podcast 

Same!

That commenter is showing their cruelty on their sleeve. I’m sorry people have treated you horribly just for being you.

@@Rikrobat Thank you. It hit me because I heard even teachers talk to my mom telling her that there had to be a reason the other kids didn't like me. Bless them, nobody knew what were these things in the early 80's and yes, I'm old, lol. The good thing about now is that it's easier to find "your people", and some online spaces have become very welcoming of every other weirdo like me.

Same

@@arualblues_zeroAbsolutely agree, people feel more free to be their authentic selves, no matter how “weird.” I got lucky as a kid and found lots of other undiagnosed ND friends, but in high school and adulthood it has kind of flipped on me and I struggle to build close friendships now. Hopefully that’ll change.

Exactly!! How are you supposed to feel bonded to a strange girl when you are an adult starting your life, probably moving out and such

I also thought I would have made a bunch of fotos and then it doesnt stand out so much .

Yes on taking lots of different photos. Also, Photoshop exists.

@@flotenstimme4608 yeah, that's definitely a better option. Take some with all of them, Ally included, take some with just the bio siblings, etc. and then everyone could have been a part and people who wanted other photos available later could have had them, and it wouldn't have been so clear to Ally that she alone was being asked to leave. As a stepkid, that's often how it got done when we were younger - I wasn't included in all my stepfamily's photos, simply because they had different groups gathered, but it didn't make as big a mark that some photos had my stepsibs and not me because the family made sure I was in whole family photos, cousins in general photos, etc. I think there were far more tactful ways to do this than to simply exclude her altogether and OP didn't try to think of those.

​@@saraviegas2141that still doesnt excuse OP saying "immediate family" and then including Maya + her nibling, AND insisting that Ally "has her family" as if she hadnt previously explained that their "family" was abusive and shitty. OP can choose to not view her as a sister while still respecting her.

Happened to me too. Impossible to ever fully restore to the original gender, have to accept this non-binary sort.

Oh my stars 😂 Thank you so much for the out loud chuckle.

My parents spoiled my gender so much it turned to fluid

I thought that was the case as well. There seems to be a certain resentment towards Ally, not because she specifically did something wrong but OP sounds as if talking from the emotional perspective of a teenager who's "forced" to accept and love a new person, they didn't choose. She sounds to me as if she resents Ally for how her parents made her feel overlooked. Which is essentially what she imposed on Ally in the situation with the wedding fotos: a feeling of being overlooked and not considered. It seems like this is an uncontious feeling or belief that is influecing the way she feels now as an adult. Which isn't her fault but still her responsibility. While I think there should have been a conversation way before it had to come to this point, it would have still been on her to initiate that and get closure, so she doesn't take her own resentment out on a young and already troubled teenager.

I'm the oldest and new siblings entered my life when I was a teenager. Thought I don't resent them, it was certainly hard on me in a number of ways. I can see how OP might have struggled with the situation.

If that's the case then it's an unresolved issue between OP and the mom and they're resenting the girl for it which is still kinda wrong.

@@whoahanant I know that what they did hurt Ally's feelings but I don't think that was the intention. I think "taking it out on" or "resenting" is too harsh. It's more like Ally is the unintended victim.

@@alex_blue5802 something being unintentional or intentional though doesn't mean anything less of the outcome. Exclusion is not nice and that's how it is in my eyes. Not to mention I have a similar family dynamic, minus the not accepting part. So while I can see the hardships it doesn't really sit right with me unless Ally was an actual problem. Children and teens don't fully understand everything and that's normal but by the time I was an adult, and even before that, I understood the problem was not really another child/teens fault. I also dislike the phrasing OP said about Ally "taking up resources" which is not comfy when talking about another being imo. Resenting something also doesn't mean it's as heavy as you think. You can have some minor resentment over many things, which you learn to work past or deal with as it happens. It's not hateful but it can still cause problems in the long run. We all deal with resentment on both minor and major scales all the time. It's ok to have resentment but it's not ok to never deal with it. And here it doesn't seem like it had any closure or planning for. This photo op could've been better planned for rather than it happening so publicly in front of the family which will obviously not be ok with them.

Thank you! I was just wondering if I had listened to too many podcasts/audiobooks that talk about abuse/coercive control that I see red flags where there aren't any so glad to see I'm not the only one seeing them in this case

True, that _could_ be, but I don't think that's a conclusion you can come to based on one situation. Some people just don't handle disappointment well and husband was clearly looking forward to having this moment together with his partner. Yes, he overreacted, but in a disappointed, emotional moment, _everyone_ has already done it. Maybe he is being abusive, but I wouldn't feel comfortable suggesting that considering we don't have a pattern to go off.

Yeah the part about trying to make OP pay for the baby stuff gives this weird vibe like the husband is capitalizing on his wife’s guilt for financial gain by putting this cost all on her

@@Casutamaalso true. I guess this behavior is just a red flag. Not necessarily a sign of danger, but certainly something to keep an eye on. People can definitely be shitty from time to time but patterns are what define abusers

I agree to an extent. Whilst the husband's reaction could definitely be part of a pattern of abuse, my read is that OP seems surprised by the strength of his response which suggests it's out of character for him. For example, a person already conditioned by abuse would likely say things like they "should have known". Though this is not universal because everyone is unique. Having said that, the fact that she doesn't immediately dismiss his proposed punishment is concerning. It could also be one of the early behaviours of abuse, which frequently begins or escalates during pregnancy. I would definitely be keeping an eye out for whether he sticks to the whole, you should shop for all the baby stuff ridiculousness after he's had time to cool off, and whether he's open to admitting his response was disproportionate and exploring why. For context of this response, I don't have lived experience but did my PhD in non physical forms of intimate partner violence.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw red flags there.

Yeah it's super weird. When I did NIPT they told me that the baby looked fine and they told me the sex over the phone, then sent the email. They called me in the morning when I was at work and then I called my partner to let him know. However I do wonder why she didn't let him know that the email arrived, they could also have opened it together over the phone and have a cute moment!

My results are apparently going to be in a card in an envelope I pick up next week. I'm hype. But I also might call my husband the second I have them and say should I open this on the phone, do you mind if I look before I get home? I don't think my husband would ever be upset if I knew first

It was the “you always do this” response that gives red flags. Hope she is okay in this situation!!

As someone with ADHD, I can ABSOLUTELY see how this could happen and it having nothing at all to do with being inconsiderate. I've heard repeatedly from parents about how hormones create a mental fog, and that coupled with the fact that the father never said that he wanted them to open it together, I could totally understand the mother impulsively opening it and sharing it with her husband as soon as he got home. She's growing another human being inside her. That takes a toll. She wasn't being a jerk about it. Give her a break.

Absolutely. I have seen it happen. Transferring someone can also be part of the bullying process. It happened to someone I love who was transferred to a job of the same grade, but a lesser status. She was too distraught to do anything about it at the time. She found out much much later that had she wanted to take legal action, she would have had a really good shot at a claim for constructive dismissal, but she left it too late. It was all part of the bulling

Exactly. I an ND amd it can take me at least a good yr to get used to a new job amd 1-2 to find people I fit in with. (Thoufh I'm still usually hovering on the outside of the group.) As a result I m often targeted by AH looking for an easy target. And my current job won't tolerate me pushing back like my old jobs would so I basically was stuck putting up with bullies for 2 yrs. It started just a couple months after I got the job amd only really started to back off last fall and only mostly stopped a few weeks ago. (And it still picks up. My last shift I worked he was staring at me from his buddy's car during break, was commenting about me as I walked ahead ofbthem back into the building after, and started at me a fee times again after they came in the building and I was grabbing my equipment to log back in and a few times throughout the shift. I'm pretty sure him and his buddy were making fun of me again as they passed me after break (he has a habit of making fun of me with his buddies all the time, so it's pretty likely. Like he used to even point to me as he was doing it, until I said something to his manager about it, which was the only reason he backed off some.)

Yes. In my bullying situation, I got in trouble for just asking to be allowed to do my job, or to be treated like an adult. I would ask my supervisor for help dealing with it, and her only advice was to just be quiet and let them treat me like I couldn't do my job (which I had been doing just fine for over a decade before this group of people showed up), because being told to treat me with basic respect might hurt *their* feelings. I ended up voluntarily moving to a different department just to get away from the situation, and I'm sure my old supervisor was relieved. In my case, I feel like I came out the winner. I enjoy my new job just as much and am getting paid more. Plus, everyone else who was in my previous position at the time has also left, for similar reasons, so now the supervisor is being forced to deal with the mess. So I can feel some satisfaction, at least, but it's clear from all these stories that managers in general need to do a better job of addressing bullies instead of punishing the victims.

I'm very sorry to hear that other people went through this. None of you deserve bullying and I hope you're all able to get jobs where you're treated with the respect and kindness you deserve.

@@insertianameia2224 Jobs not letting you push back has never been sitting right with me. Sorry they're such shits to you.

😂 Yes. All words are made up and all are noises of some kind.

Yiu give very valid points. I still want to add that if I've done my math correctly Maya moved in when she was 16 and that was when Ally started to hang out at their home more. That would have made OP 18 yo at the time which probably meant that she was already or about to move out for university and therefore not spending much time at home anymore while the younger siblings were all still living at the parental home. So OP would have spent way less time with Ally than all of the other siblings have which would explain why they have different relationships with each other. IMO you can't force someone to consider anybody your family even if blood/legally related and they did out OP in a difficult position. Maybe she should have talked to her parents beforehand to avoid this situation in itself but you can't make her consider Ally her family and it's reasonable to only want the people you want in your pictures just like it's reasonable to not invite a sibling/aunt/uncle or even parents to your wedding if you don't have a good relationship with them.

I think that the OP's mother was the biggest drama in the story. She (and the father) obviously didn't manage to add the new members in the family in a way that didn't leave bad blood for anyone as you stated. In addition, according to OP, she brings Ally to the picture without asking OP, so she's still pushing Ally to OP's family. Unless it's a tiny wedding, they could have easily taken the pictures without Ally even knowing, if the Mother hadn't expected that Ally is wanted just because she wants her to be family.

Yes! I was shocked Shaaba didn’t bring this up! Their parents should have known better than to let this grudge grow for so many years. It’s fine if you want to have your house be a safe haven for children who don’t have that, and even to include them as members of your family, but if you’re going to do that, make sure you do it WELL. Make sure the WHOLE family is on the same page.

I would feel bad for her if she was still 16. But she’s fucking 26.

@@Lucifersfursona I think you can still feel bad for someone if time has passed or they've grown up. It doesn't make them any less the victim of shitty circumstances when they were younger. When Ally is 26 can someone still feel bad for her having shitty parents?

​@@alex_blue5802idk what the other person who responded thinks but imo I do feel bad for OP but it dries up pretty quickly in the harm she's doing to Ally. This whole feeling overlooked thing is an assumption we're making (an assumption I agree with to be clear), OP did not articulate it. OP seems to struggle with self reflection, expression of emotions, and tbh, an ability to anticipate consequences from actions (OK u don't care about Ally... but the people who do are obviously going to respond negatively when you out of nowhere (in their eyes) treat her poorly, so do you wanna commit to that course of action?) No matter what caused the feelings, OP still essentially bullied a 14 year old who had no idea why she was even being treated that way, and seems completely baffled by people having different feelings than her or reacting to her actions. Obvs some of this immaturity is on the parents. But if you're 26 and getting married, for the sake of your spouse alone, you have to start working on your immaturity. You certainly shouldn't be at the point where you're hurting random children you know that you supposedly don't care about at all (I think that's more dishonesty from OP tbh. I think if she didn't care at all she woulda let the kid in the photo. She has much more negative feelings, and she's just refusing to be fully honest about it)

@@twistysunshine The line about OP's parents using resources on Ally makes me think she felt neglected or deprived in some way. In a big family there's going to be a limited amount of love, attention, money, and even food sometimes. As you said, OP seems to struggle with self-reflection and I think this is her way of saying she got a smaller slice of the pie. It's also clear that she has a very different perspective than her siblings, possibly because she moved out soon after Ally started to be included. To her it seem natural to want a photograph with only her close family, not any family friends. To everyone else, asking for this is bullying a vulnerable child and now her whole family is mad at her. Obviously this sucks for Ally too, but there are lots of other comments about how she is the victim and what OP did wasn't okay. I just wanted to make space to show sympathy for OP and say she is also the victim of Ally not having a stable family life.

I have to wonder then if OP has communicated not feeling attached to Ally in the past, or if she’s just seething in silence and taking it out on someone who is just existing in the same space. And really, why did OP choose that very public moment to deliberately declare how much she doesn’t view Ally as family or even care about her? For being 26, she behaved in an incredibly immature manner

Some people take a very long time to mature ( if they ever do). To come to terms with things that happened when they were younger and be empathetic to other people's situations. I understand where OP is coming from, and she has every right to say who is in the picture. To me the Drama badge stands for one reason only. There was no reason to make this a public scene. She could have made arrangements beforehand and discussed this with her mother instead of waiting until the girl was right there. It would still hurt, but the public display to her face made it a crappy thing to do.

The parents made a decision to adopt Ally and that is lovely for them, but they cannot expect OP or anyone else to have the same bond with Ally. I have an older brother that I share both parents with and grew up with, and I have a much younger half brother, who I did not grow up with (large age gap) but have spend a lot of time with since his birth. I consider my half brother an equal brother and I also have a close relationship with his mom. I consider them both family. My older brother feels a lot more distant to them and never really wanted to spend much time with them except when he has to for family situations. I do not think he’d say Little Brother is an equal sibling. I think it is a shame and that he is missing out, but at the same time I also would never force him to have a close bond or even put him on the spot where he needs to explicitly show how he feels. What good is it to force people into a relationship they are not open to?

@@s.a.4358 exactly. Forcing it is certain to create more rifts and resentment then letting it occur naturally if that’s what is meant to be.

I totally agree, but I also think a 26 year old needs to be able to 1. Work through their emotions enough on this to be able to express these things (OP is like. Not expressing this. She's just saying shit like it's self evident when it is not) 2. Even if she didn't learn how to express her feelings well growing up. She's still 26 and married. It sucks but it's her job to figure out how to do it now so she doesn't hurt others (already failed at that, but she's gonna need it for her spouses sake). 3. She seems to have no comprehension of like. Consequences. I did want my half sister at my wedding but I did not want my father there. She's too young to make that decision on her own, but I knew well enough not to try to invite her and NOT invite him. OP thinks she can isolate a 14 year old and then like. Face no consequences from the people who care about that 14 year old. I would feel badly for OP if 1. They weren't 26. 2. They actually admitted where the problems were coming from. Right now we're mostly having to conjecture, while OP acts like a middle school bully at her grown and married age.

Agreed

Are we sure of the financial punishment? I thought that was a leap they made. I took "you're responsible for buying all the baby stuff" meant the labour of shopping and deciding on things, because he's lost his excitement to buy blue stuff or whatever. Still totally unhinged, just not AS abusive

⁠@@graciecat6344Considering she is pregnant, and far along enough to tell the sex, forcing her to do all of the labour of the shopping is still cruel. Of course, it’s still not the same as financial abuse, but it’s worth considering how difficult that would be. Also, I don’t think anyone should be “punishing” their partner. Like, when I get mad or upset with someone, I go sulk for 5-20 minutes and then I’m done. So I need the person I care about to leave me alone for that time. But I can’t imagine deliberately “punishing” someone for something you think they did wrong - ESPECIALLY when you’re life partners, you’re supposed to be on even ground. “Punishing” your partner, in my opinion, is almost always abusive - whether it be emotional abuse or something else.

Exactly. If he keeps this up, I'd say push for therapy (if possible,) and if he either refuses therapy or refuses to calm down and quit being childish, then maybe she should look into a divorce. Like to try to communicate and be reasonable, but if either party refuses to be reasonable...I will say from experience that while yes, the transition will be rough and things won't be easy, but being a single parent is far less stressful and so much easier than raising a kid while also dragging a man child behind you (and this goes for whether the responsible parent is the mom or the dad amd regardless of whether or not the immature parent is the mom or dad. If this was the other way around, I'd be saying the same thing to the dad.)

@@loki_is_tiredI agree 100% . It was only the financial issue I thought people might be reading wrong. As I said, still totally disturbing behavior either way

I'm child-free and felt the same way.

If got 4 kids and I definitely don't think it's a big deal to look at it without the partner, in fact i let my husband (now ex) get results of my ultrasound that i disnt care to see. Especially in this case since she may not have been specifically looking to see the sex but just saw it while looking at all the other test results. It's a screening for potential risk for chromosomal defects but also may contain information about the pregnant person's health since it actual looks at their DNA.

Nah she’s shitty cold person. I would never associate with someone like that.

I agree, the way she speaks about "It's ridiculous how much time and resources they spent on her" ??? How is it ridiculous It doesn't sound like op was missing anything growing up, it's sounds like some bitter entitlement and complete lack of empathy for ally's situation. I don't think ally likes the fact that she can't count on her bio family, no one wants to feel like a burden in some ones house. She doesn't have to like ally She doesn't have to care for ally or include her on pics or whatever. But you know ...there's a certain.base level kindness we owe to people as human beings Specially one as young as ally. I dunno, there's something about making some one who isn't even out of highschool yet, feel excluded and unwanted, that really speaks volumes of OPs character :/

@@cofeejoe2882 - Exactly. OP doesn’t have to have familial love for Ally to also include her in a family photo. She chose this moment to deliberately make her feelings known about “who she considers family.” And yes, that is absolutely within her right to do, but it still speaks to the kind of person she is. And also this sense of “I can do what I want, people can’t be made at me for that.” Yes, OP, they can; when you do something hurtful, other people are allowed to voice their feelings on the matter. Actions have consequences.

For sure! Personally, I think a big part of my personal vote (you're the drama) for that one boils down to the way OP talks about Ally. Obviously, I also am not a fan of how she handled the situation itself (so bluntly excluding someone from something and singling them out as an outsider) but I had trouble even thinking about the other aspects of the situation due to how...just mean it comes across. I really appreciate Shabba and Jaime discussing it in detail as it gave me more perspective, but the cruelty really makes it hard for me to vote anything else.

I felt a similar way when my baby nephew was born, but I was literally ten years old at the time. I was so jealous of all the attention he got. I love the "little" punk now. I can't imagine not outgrowing that angst... That must be heavy.

i had a sister who was fostered (not legally adopted) into my family when i was 19, after i had already been moved out for 2 years, and i never once even considered that she was any less of a sister. i definitely get not being bonded or besties but that doesn’t make them less family. there is something else going on here beyond the age gap.

i mean who's to say she moved out as soon as she turned 18

I get the instinct to believe that, but it’s just an excuse. OP doesn’t want to care about Ally and doesn’t want Ally to be part of their family. I know lots of people who got siblings late in their teens, and they’re absolutely siblings who love each other. If OP were more open to unconventional family, they could be one of them too.

Yeah and if it only for a few photos I don’t really see what’s the problem. Like if ally was in other photos and got to participate in the wedding I don’t see what’s wrong with op just wanting a photo the way she wants.

I have family that I don’t acknowledge as family, specifically one that abused me I don’t even acknowledge them when I’m the same room. I have a lifelong friend who I consider a “cousin” but my younger sister considers them a “sister” & I’m fine with it. Family is who you choose.

It's also possible to see that baby is fine but with her carrying a specific gene she didn't even know about she may be at higher risk even if babies risk is low. There have been situations when these test have revealed no significant results in the fetus but cancer or a genetic defect in the mother, I'm sure that would have been mentioned if that was the case even though that wasn't specifically what the test was looking for. Personally i still look at every result super carefully because I've had doctors tell me things are fine when they're just "slightly abnormal". So she may have had anxiety about the results and looked and wasn't really looking for the sex but just saw it while reading the results. I can understand his disappointment to some extent but not the reaction

Thank you, it's not just me!

Also, I agree with Jamie that it’s sad OP doesn’t love Ally.

One thing that stood out to me in the post is OP commenting that Ally started "taking up resources," which is such a strange thing to say about a child who is coming from a bad home life. It feels like OP is resentful of Ally for existing at all and used the photo as a way to broadcast how much she resents Ally being in the family. Of course OP is allowed to feel the way she feels, but still, being so deliberate without much explanation other than "because" is certainly a choice.

@@Rikrobat yeah I honestly think OP has unresolved issues regarding her. "Taking up resources" is not something positively said.

Omg, I have a boss who bullies and harasses tf out of me, but everyone else likes me & I generally don’t cause “trouble.” I’ve reported her several times though, and she still continues to verbally abuse me (and others) despite the fact I’ve had to go through the process of getting an autism diagnosis so I could get accommodations and get her tf off my back. She has tried to violate them a few times. I plan to report her again, after writing every incident down.

​@@introusas I am so so sorry you have been experiencing such a horrible boss. My best advice in this situation is to record all incidents with as much information as possible. If this is verbal it is hard to get concrete evidence but if it happens in front of others then note it down because HR can use that to go speak to these people, do others in your team speak to you about how your boss behaves towards you? Note down any people who have identified the behaviour your boss shows to you. Any emails which can evidence this are good too. Some may recommend recording but I do not recommend this as you need permission from the other person if this was to be used as evidence - however due to your autism if you needed to record as an accommodation to replay this back then there is an agreement to be recorded which could later be used as evidence but right now I would stick to noting down your events and keeping track of those in your team or in the area who can support what you document. Recordings can be tricky to be done correctly and in line with policies and procedures to be used as evidence. Also, not sure if you are in the UK (this is where I am based) we have laws and regulations in place which protect you as a person which covers in the workplace. For us we have the equality work act which protects many different characteristics which are - age, sex, race, religion, disability, sexual orientation, gender reassignment, marriage & civil partnership, and pregnancy/maternity/paternity. As you are autistic this puts you under the disability protected characteristic which could get sticky for your boss. Are they only treating you in this light or is it other team members - I would be exploring this avenue in a case like this to see if there is evidence of discrimination. Are there a lack of accommodations since notifying the workplace of your autism? This again can be a form of discrimination - all of which are taken very serious in an official complaints process. If you are in the UK I would also recommend applying for Access to Work - this is a government funded scheme to ensure you have accommodations put in place for work. Some examples for Autism can be providing noise cancelling headphones, awareness/training for your department at work, and maybe an Autism coach to help yourself with strategies/talking therapies. I have multiple health conditions but I am neurodivergent too, I understand I put a lot of information in this response but I really do hope it helps you out. Nobody should be treated like this at work and I do hope that the issue is resolved for you very soon!

One thing I thought about that no 1 else mentioned is that those test results were about her body and what was happening to it not just about the gender of the baby. And the fact she was so quick to say sorry when she realized that it hurt his feelings to me eliminates any drama from her.

Exactly. And I've heard people say in situations that the mother is wrong for "not including the father" and on one hand I get why people say things about the baby should be about both parents; but this test is her blood work, looking at her DNA. Most prenantal appointments and screenings are about the health of the person carrying the baby as much as they are about the baby or should be at least. Someone doesn't stop having the right to their own medical information just because they're carrying a child. I remember feeling like even doctors seemed not to view me as having any autonomy as the patient during some of my pregnancies. I get why the father was disappointed she didn't wait but cannot understand this reaction.

Deep breaths, I hope you’re okay. If she’s having a new sense of energy I’d say that’s a very good time to be spending as much time as possible with her. Share all the favourite memories with your family. I’m really sorry, I know it can be too much to wrap your head around when you’re lost in a sea of emotions and they all feel bad. Find the precious moments and give as much of your energy to those as you are able 💛

Lots of support, wishing the best for Her and for Your mental health, I'll pray for you two :((

❤

Which I think is kind of unlikely because she basically join the family at four given the fact that she already has one, but they’re not stable or positive influence on her life. she probably views op’ family as her family, I don’t think it’s realistic to assume that she would just slink away at 18. These are the people she actively relies on as family. She said she didn’t felt loved by Op, implying Ally loves her like family, which kind of makes it even more sad. Op got some resentment and some oldest child syndrome, which, honestly is her responsibility to deal with.

OMG WAIT ME TOO 😭 mostly why I watch them

I ultimately agree, but for me OP is the drama purely based on the way she talks about Ally in the post. "She has a family of her own" chilled me, her lack of compassion for the fact Ally's family is abusive.

@@abieggleton7045 it seems like when ally was taken in op got "left behind" or had to sacrifice something time/money/friends/family

@@petthequeenofmaddness8592 I think that can be the only explanation. I feel sorry for both of them

i definitely get this as the oldest of 5. i specifically remember my parents asking me if i wanted more siblings and i said no and they had two more anyways. but even still, i was never upset with my siblings (including the fostered one who was not legally or biologically attached for many years) i was mad at my parents for the ways they neglected me. op not properly processing their emotions isn’t an excuse for how they treated a literal child who had little to no choice in the matter

@@mossman15 Like, why would they even ask if that's how they deal with the answer, sigh. Agreeing with you.