Adult children cut off their parents because they have been abusive their entire lives… it doesn’t happen to loving and caring parents. No child will go no contact just because. There is always a reason and when there is not then yes, your video is right… but again, those people are rare.

In my early 20s I had to threaten my mother with a restraining order as she would follow me and show up at places I would go then stare at me from a distance. She is borderline and narcissistic personality disordered. She used to tell me that I was her property when I was a child, that I would be a miserable person if I didn't take care of her and that it was me being born that caused all the problems in her life. I have done much healing and growing throughout my life. I have enough compassion for myself to realize that she made those decisions and yet had so much fear and lack of self control that she had to be in hell. I'll never see her again And that's what I need to do.

I apologized whole heartedly for all of my parenting mistakes two years ago and many times since. Until recently, I didn’t call her out on all the exaggeration but I’m done. The storys and accusations got more extreme and in many cases easily proven false. I was doing what I “should” and that only catered to her meanness and manipulation. She uses my grandkids as weapons, one of which I took care of for two years while she did whatever she was doing. I have great relationships with my other children, but they didn’t have a dad who criticized me behind my back for over a decade. It sucks, because I love her and my grandkids, but the abuse isn’t worth it. After setting a firm boundary of requiring civility and her crossing the line, I blocked her. I first told her that if she’d like to contact me she could write a letter. Seriously, I was so sad but the most peaceful feeling came over me when I finally could say I’d had enough. I hope she writes, but I won’t hold my breath.

Who cares what a retired colonizer thinks about alienation in court orders, he's from a completely different judicial system! Besides, the US is well known internationally for having some of the worst protections for children from abusive parents. That's why the UN sanctions the US so much for it, as well as many other things.

I mean.. my mom used to take me on her “errands” of trying to scam the local pharmacy/ hospital out of pain pills and use me as a scapegoat to flee when they caught on to her.. But sure, I drank the cool aide by cutting contact and wanting to protect myself from her.

My 2 sons have not declared a no-contact relationship with me. However, they make minimal effort to visit or call. It has been painful for me, but not for them. We live 50 miles apart but it might as well be 5,000. So, i've made a life here with non-family friends and it's fine. My thoughts go back to my relationship with my mom and how often i ignored her need for a closer relationship. Now I'm living her life. What goes around ...?

I am overcome with grief that my precious children have decided I deserve their cruelty. Have they made me a scapegoat for everything wrong in their lives? Have I committed heinous things against them that I don’t remember? I wake up crying, my stomach churning, begging God to help me understand what I did to deserve such agony! I would beg forgiveness for whatever it is!!! I would make amends for my failures! Am I to die not knowing why? Is reconciliation possible? What am I to do??? How can I continue to live with this pain? Please Lord, end this torture. How long must I suffer?

I choose peace and acceptance for myself and pray for the disloyal ungrateful children to find peace too. It used to make me feel sad, not anymore. It’s not fair knowing I did my best. That has to count.

And more often than not - your children have become insufferable entitled jerks who don't deserve the parents they had. You're welcome. "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child". KIng Lear - William Shakespear. Nothing new here, move on folks.

Dr. Coleman, thank you, they accused me of kidnapping my grandson during a wedding. I saw he was not happy by the loud band and he was sweating profusely. He was a toddler, under two. So I introduced myself to the God mother of my son-in-law. I took him to the side porch to the right. He immediately was content as the loud noises from the band were now dampened and the cool breezes of the evening kept him comfortable. My husband found us and I asked him to let them know. We were on the porch. I did not want them to worry. He did not he lied. He helped corroborate the lie! Later I was told my son-in-law said he found us in the woods. He found us on the porch. I worked as a School Nurse, I cared for ALL CHILDREN. I had no idea my ex was having a long term affair, during this time. I trusted him.Anyway I cannot admit to something I would never do. So I too, still love them. But I know the truth will come out. I think they have done a beautiful job raising their children. All of them are safe so my prayers have been answered. I do get notes on FB from his wife letting me know she enjoys watching my grandson grow up. I find occasional photos of them, and I am always astonished by the joy they give me. I feel my hands are tied. I am getting ready to move on. I have done my best to keep my mind and heart with whatever is right, good, and true. If you might help me bend and not break , I would try. I would love to give it another try, I preservere,

I get the huge impression from both my adult children that they resent being brought up in a single parent family..with not a lot of money or enough materlistic things...

Cant do it..never ever thought id hear myself say that... Cannot forgive, cant forget..the lies,betrayal, the totally made up narrative...!

Please, please, please read, read　Nice to meet you, this is a story about people who were socially persecuted in Japan and received love from the empress and imperial family of Japan, and it is a story about a victim who lost his self-esteem, money, love, social status, etc.　 It was highly valued by the mass media. I work in the Japanese mass media. I contacted you because I had something I really wanted to tell you.　　 There are people in Japan who have suffered social persecution. They were writing novels, had lion faces, and left their companies young and emotionally.　My name is KORE It was very cruel. It was a very cruel society. In Japan, a person who quits a company where they were writing novels because they got emotional when they were young is called a "KORE." KORE was lowered in society I have a family member who has a lion-shaped face, who was writing novels, who quit his job when he was young because he got emotional. They experienced the same things, the same suffering, the same pain, etc.　 So they have the same pain and so on, so they feel the same way. That feeling is something no one else can feel It's like a sense of community. The shape of his face was that of a lion. He was writing novels. He quit his company when he was young because he got emotional. ←Some of these people have even died . They are people who died without ever having been considered members of society. To them, people who are living normal lives now are a source of hope and something to support. There is a sense of solidarity among those who are lower down in society. For someone who died while being treated poorly in society, those who are now living normally are the ones to be supported. Their faces are shaped like lions. They were writing novels. They quit their company when they were young because they got emotional. KORE They have characteristics such as solidarity, hope, and being the object of support. They have a historical presence in Japan as victims. "It is universal as a victim, and it has universal characteristics such as a sense of solidarity, hope and support." My name is KORE. Legend, legend, legend. Please read to the end What did the mass media in your country do? What have the people in power in your country done? The perpetrators, the mass media, have created discrimination and persecution. Discrimination against the Asian race is well known. State perpetrators started wars. Look at Ukraine. A few years ago, natural disasters were responsible for hurricanes, tsunamis, and earthquakes. They caused many victims Some people lost their jobs. Some people lost their right arms. Some people lost their homes. Some people lost their families. The same can be said for the "KORE" who was discriminated against and exploited by the Japanese mass media. "KORE" refers to people who have lion-shaped faces, who write novels, and who quit their companies when they were young because they got emotional. It has become a serious social problem in Japan. What do you think about the fact that they are now able to live bright and happy lives? What do you think about seeing them living normal lives and smiling with their families as they did before? That's really really great Take the example of war victims. People who have lost an arm and are still struggling to live are really, really amazing. "Powerful mass media and powerful nations are amazing." There are people like that. The wars that America waged are like that. Everyone says America won, America is strong, America is amazing. But the real greatness isn't in America, who won. The victims of that war People who continue to struggle to live despite losing a leg, people who live proudly despite facing racism, families who keep smiling despite difficult circumstances - don't you think they are truly amazing? The KORE in Japan are the same as the war victims. I really suffered, I really suffered, I even risked death. A man who was writing a novel, quit his job after having problems, and has a lion-like face = KORE It is truly amazing that these victims are living positively and happily. Victims of hurricanes, victims of war, victims denigrated by the mass media, etc. There is really, really great value in them living positively and happily. "It's the value of victims living positively." Can't you see the value of the victim as something universal? There are many such victims in Japan. JAPAN KORE KORE　Legend Legend JAPAN KORE KORE Legend Legend Has universal value! Legend! Legend! Legend!

I found 10 things I did right as a parent. Good little lesson, thanks

If adult children are open and acknowledge their love of me, their mom, not acknowledging the extreme parent alienation which I did not try to fix after the divorce, becuause I didnt understand what was happening. Now they have a two year old daughter, Can I ask them what they think would happen if one parent tried to alienate the other to their daughter at this stage in life?

This is a gold mine! Thank you! Just bought this book in audio so I can understand and repair myself then maybe have a relationship with my son. Thank you again.

I am seeing my npd bpd middle daughter start in on the younger half sibling to split her from her dad and me. She broke my youngest confidences and weaponized it against me more specifically and claims I broke Dad. We are appalled and can't warn our youngest. We are devastated. I know I have been in denial as a therapist about the npd bpd of the middle girl. Now I am not and I made every mistake in the book. Jeez.

I told my son he was hurting me. He said it made him feel better. I haven't spoken to him in 2 years and I'm better for it.

Why do many estranged adult children turn around after years of the estrangement they chose and blocking their parents, then say it was the parents who blocked them? I have heard a number of stories that happened. The disconnect from reality in the adult child is immense.

In Australia, when a parent withholds the child they are rewarded with more child support.

I disagree with these

Reduce child support hurts the child, outrageous.

This has been a source of extreme and very painful anguish and hurt for me as a grandmother who has been alienated from my granddaughter by her mother. It also affects my other daughter who has a terminal illness and may never have the opportunity to have a relationship with this child, which is her niece. There are other family members involved in this. It is mainly myself and my daughter, and of course my granddaughter who is being deprived of her extended family. To complicate matters, my daughter has convinced my son and other family members to support this behavior on the part of my alienating daughter .Mental illness is an issue here, narcissism in large part and my daughter’s ability to lie extremely effectively to convince whoever she wants to, that her child should not have contact with us. Where can I get information about the laws in the United States and California in particular? I have been told that enforcing visitation and contact is extremely difficult if not impossible to do. I don’t have the resources to spend lots of money on lawyers fees. I appreciate this podcast more than I can express. I just haven’t known what to do in all this time. I have known my *Now 4 1/2 year-old granddaughter for a period of three months back when she was two. This has been the greatest trauma of my life, as what my daughter has taken away from all of us can never be given back. Time and the opportunities for precious memories to develop thank you so much for your time. This is the first glimpse of Hope I have ever had regarding this issue.

Clarity and truth; thank you. Especially resonant was observation that different personalities exist within siblings and i.e.children. Different perceptions and different needs will, therefore, exist. That and scope of this video have caused a reevaluation of my parental expectation, which may have been/be unrealistic. Nevertheless, it is what it is, and I thank you for insight.

I had a reunification therapist at Wynn psychology tell me that parental alienation was not a real thing, just a term that lawyers use to dismiss bad behavior. This was during my reunification therapy with my two children whose father and his wife told my mother that if she ever told me anything going on with my children she would never see them again. Now my exes wife has started her smear campaign against me with my daughter in law and her family to the point where I was treated horribly by my daughter in law and her family during the wedding. I was ignored and left out of all the planning and pictures. I was the only parent that had met my son’s wife while they were dating and I was the fist person in the family they told when she found out she was pregnant. As soon as he introduced her to his father and his wife she sent nasty text to me and cut off contact. She has seen me twice since the wedding. Kept me out of all the milestones of the pregnancy and has told my son I can’t be around my grandson when he is born. I have never done anything to harm this girl or my children.

This behavior was all predicted in the Bible.

I have always been described as being to happy, the most happy go lucky. Don't I ever get upset about anything. Pulling myself up by my bootstraps and just keep going. I gave up this morning , the battle with my daughter. She will not take any responsibility for any past behavior. She will flat out claim she does not remember what you try to discuss, good or bad. About 5 years ago I literally apologized for what ever part I played in what ever was causing the trouble between us. My daughter has done horrible things and recruits every other person I know to turn on me. Other people say they don't tell her she is in the wrong because they themselves don't want to experiment her wrath. It started with you can't provide what I want. She had friends with parents well off. Then, you can't attend my graduation, my shower, my wedding. After my apology, she then told me I had to earn her trust. In 12 plus years, I have never been allowed to her home. Then she didn't just recruit friends f4om our Community where I have lived since 1999, but she turned all family. I mean, no one will speak to me. I am not invited to any gathering and was told to go spend my holiday with the homeless. Now, it is a constant attack on my mental state for dare discussing the part she has played in our lack of any relationship what so ever. Her older daughter expecting a baby? Every time I have said anything to her what so ever, the younger has jumped in and twisted anything I have said to cause the other to say I can not see my 1st and only Grandchild if I don't have a good enough job, a good enough home. I was not invited to her wedding until 4 days prior to the wedding. Then humiliated in front of all family as I was not even invited in to a table, a hello, a hug or kiss from the bride who stayed far from me. I could write a book right here and now. Completely bazaar as my daughters and I were extremely close.

Sounds like your book boils down to this. " just say sorry even if you don't mean it at all."

This is a trend in USA mostlly...

All parents make mistakes but run away for them is unthinkable for any other cultures, run away from a situation never fixe it@ problem!! Even more if you are an adult son or daugther and dont live with them...

Rewatching again; come back from time to time when I need to hear sound advice! I have to say even if a child just breadcrumbs you with infrequent visits, or short visits with wife/kids it hurts as bad knowing they are just checking off a box:(

It takes way too much energy to deal with these adult children.

Well, I’ve absorbed a lot of theory in my life, but this might be the most illuminating synthesis of ideas - relevant to my experiences - I’ve ever seen. Thank you 🙏

Hard to take someone with clown hair seriously.

Great Presentation 👏👏👏. - Science/ fact based. You are a warrior !! Thank you !!!

My mother probably accuses me of this, but truly she is her own worst enemy. She got rid of all electronics in her house, directs that none be brought in, and insists on being center of attention. She talks smack about me to my kids, who are offended, and they don’t want to be around her. She has alienated herself. Why can’t she just be nice?

Thank you Dr Coleman, this has really enlightened me with great advice.

Very insightful thank you. Would like to know more from the perspective of parental alienation through manipulating covert narcissist Ex where now my kids are mirroring him really. I realized you touched on this here in regards to the ex being a factor. In reaching out it's becoming futile where I'm almost playing into this untrue narrative of me. With my ex I've had to go no contact. I endured 27 years of control and manipulation, financial abuse with this person. Even pawned my wedding rings and then gaslit me saying "look at you, this is exactly why I didn't tell you, you're being overly sensitive, you're making a mountain of a mole hill " These repeated upsets over the course of our marriage he then used to create the narrative to the kids that I was unstable... "crazy" i would inevitably called by my daughter later on. :( Upon setting a clear boundary that I will no longer be reaching out as I needed to focus on myself and my healing my daughter who never responded to my "i love YOUs" to " i miss you", OR "I'm thinking about you" responds with the longest ugliest degrading text. Citing psychological terms to me such as me having bipolar disorder and setting down ground rule that if i don't accept her narrative that I'm abusive and abusing her father (courts are after him) then she doesn't want a relationship with me. I have received therapy of all kinds over the years and still am to help me deal with this so that it doesn't completely ruin me. I was a stay at home mom... both my parents narcissists! I am NOTHING like my parents. I'm estranged from them to protect myself and my kids once I understood. But it didn't matter. I married one... Worse then my parents! Thought i was protecting my kids when the monster was always here. -Sorry for the long post was trying to keep it to a minimum :(

when is the conference?

We are a Dissociative Identity Disorder System. We have a toxic parent that has decided to not address their own mental health issues and/or trauma. The body was born in the early days of the GenX period as the first child in a family that would ultimately have 5 children. By the age of 3, we already feared for our life. By the age of 4, we attempted to take it. The toxic parent knew this and said nothing to get us help. At the age of 5, one Alter thought "Maybe if we put away the clean dishes and show how helpful and good we can be, the toxic parent will love us and stop hitting us." Instead, the toxic parent took that as a sign that we were ready to do chores above and beyond making beds with fresh sheets and having to help fold laundry perfectly. How often would we be left outside to watch over our younger siblings already by the age of 5-6... The youngest being so young they couldn't walk yet! Things didn't change as we grew up. Anybody who noticed that we might need help, we were removed from their presence. Having our face dragged through areas that we had cleaned, but not to their satisfaction, like a dog having its nose put into its mess when it has an accident indoors... We remember the FIRST time they didn't hit us even though we knew they wanted to... It was clear on their face. The body was 18 years old. The abuse didn't end there. It continued until the body was nearly 50 years old. Recently we spoke with the non-toxic parent and asked them to remember an incident that happened when yhe body was nearly 40. The toxic parent attacked us verbally & psychologically, in front of witnesses. The non-toxic parent said: 'Yeah, that was unfortunate!' we responded with: "If they were capable of doing that to their adult child in front of witnesses, what do you think theu could do to a young child when there were no witnesses?" There is a reason we are no contact with our toxic parent, and it's not because we feel entitled to anything. In fact we still struggle with the idea that we deserve to live at all! We are no contact with them because they continue to abuse us every time we speak with them. The body is now well into its 50's, and we deserve to finally live without fear of that parent. They cannot control themselves, we can control ourselves. Before we went no contact, and we've held the same line since, we told them exactly what they had to do for us to consider re-establishing contact: they need to go to therapy, they need to get a full psych evaluation to determine their mental health issues, if recommended & required they are to take prescribed medications AS prescribed, they are to continue therapy and do the work that is required for them to heal & grow. Only then can we consider family therapy to deal with issues and set boundaries. This is what we have been doing for years now (since shortly before going no contact) as we do not expect more of them than we expect from ourselves, even though we are STILL the child in this parent-child relationship. They have yet to start, and now they accuse us of interfering with their marriage! Nope! We are STILL the child, even as an adult. We respect the non-toxic parent's decision to remain in the marriage, and we have no interest in interfering in their relationship. We only asked them the question that we did to remove doubt and questions as to why we have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder when they believed that we had a good and safe childhood with no more than the regular bumps and mishaps of growing and learning. They now understood and accepted our diagnosis and our reality. They now are a safe person to talk with, not about what happened then... Just about everyday life. We don't want to talk about our diagnosis 24/7. We just need safe people to talk with. The toxic parent is still not a safe person to be near, much less talk with!

Thank you dr Joshua... you enlighten me

NO.

Edit: I got 21 minutes in. Folks, if you're no contact with your kids by their choice and not yours, this lecture might make you feel better and validate your feelings, but it's not going to get you any closer to your kids. Original comment: You lost me at making demands of your adult children about time and visits. You have no right to their life, like you don't have any right to any other adult. Credit for the money spent on them? You chose to have kids, providing food and shelter is your responsibility. If you didn't want to do that, you shouldn't have had kids; that was your choice, not theirs. Going to listen to a bit more of this but it's a trainwreck so far.

How do I deal w/an adult son who just refuses to talk to me or acknowledge me. For his entire 34 yrs on this earth him & I always got along perfectly. We would even get together once a week to have dinner together then all that changed when he started seeing a therapist. Then all of a sudden he became short & angry w/me & I could do no right until finally we had a disagreement over the phone & he hung up on me & hasn't talked to me since. That was a year ago & I've reached out to him a few times since. I've texted him to let him know I love him & for him to just talk to me to let me know what I e said or done that's so bad that he will no longer talk to me & I get nothing. No response, no acknowledgement, nothing. I think it's almost worse than if he lashed out in anger but I don't even get that. So I'm not sure where to go from here & I don't want to give up because I love my son & I miss him terribly. He no longer talks to his adult sisters (my daughter's from my second marriage) as well which is not like him either. If anything he was always in constant contact w/them sometimes even more so than communicating w/me. But their messages & texts to him go unanswered as well. We're all at a loss & don't understand why he's cut us all out of his life. We're all hurt by it & unsure what to do since his sisters miss him as well.

I am the eldest daughter of parents who are going through this with one of my younger siblings. I'm so pissed off, and there is no help for me! I'm cut off now from my siblings because I won't cut off our parents???????? What do they want???? For everyone to kiss their arrogant butts? Walk on egg shells around them???? Sounds like that's what you're suggesting Mr. Expert. People can't have healthy conflict resolution this way. This has ruined our lives. Do I have a choice now of who to share elder care of my parents with?? No!! It's going to be my responsibility whether I would choose it or not. This makes me extremely bitter toward my spoiled siblings because they got opportunities I didn't get. Things my parents weren't able to afford when I was their age. I am fuming angry right now.

Do honest reseach on this subject. If an adult child was abused at some point it becomes obvious. Most of what you are saying is crap.

There are many who only know your number when they want something out of you.

I am half way through your video and so far you have hit every nerve, covered every issue that I have faced with my adult children. Just recently I have decided it is time for me to let them go and take better care of myself, for self preservation. Thanks you so much for sharing your knowledge and for the sensible advice. I am a work in progress.

Thank you so very much

My parents are suffering from the estrangement of my youngest sibling. In turn I'm also suffering while seeing them grieve. I don't talk to my younger sister anymore because I see what she's doing to them as abusive, disrespectful and insulting. She has essentially killed them physically and mentally. There has been a complete loss of identity that I have had to witness. Stress has progressed their aging by 100x. I need advice. And I cannot talk to my sibling because she says I'm harassing her, and she will threatens to get legal action on me.