I’m Becca!✌️ A 35-year old, faith-filled, word-loving, anxiety-ridden, imperfect-perfectionist, fighting to take back my life after being blindsided at 32 by a relapse of anorexia. On this channel, I'm reacting my way through ED recovery alongside chronic illness-one video at a time.
My goals with this channel & all content I share, include wanting to help YOU: 1. Feel less alone 2. Feel more understood 3. Learn something new/see new perspectives 4. Connect with others who "get it"
I share my own journey as it naturally comes up in content, as I keep working for a life not ruled by disorder.
Anorexia has stolen 20+ years of my life. To quote NF's song, 'Running': "I'm done running from you. Spent my whole life in your shadow, scared of who I'd be if I said goodbye and I didn't have you here. I wish you well but I can no longer stand aside, and watch you sabotage the two of us. I love you to death but I can't spend the rest of my life in this darkness-I'm done."
I just found this song. Started going down the Ren rabbithole when thus came out. I love that u followed his journey and know the references and easter eggs in this. This is so inspiring and gives me Hope!
So serotonin is the happiness hormon. It has nothing to do with any kind of medication. If You accept the fact life as it is is not a concidence. Well, serotonin is just part of it. If You don't, You may take it as a drug. But if You accept life is a concidence, well, Gl with everything else.
I listen to you in awe, your quick way of understanding and interpretation is amazing. I think your IQ must be in the top tier, i haven't heard any other reactor find so much detail in a song.
Hey Becca, I wanted to thank you for your video and your words. I've already watched over 100 reaction videos specifically about that song, and I usually hold back from engaging with reactions because the whole social media system actually turns me off. But for the past three weeks, maybe, it’s been the only thing I do when I have time. My ADHD brain tends to wander off topic. What you said meant a lot to me-I cried with you more than once. And yes, you're right, I'm not alone, we are not alone, and the fight/dance is worth fighting. I wish you all the best in everything and on your journey. =) Warm regards, Christoph
24:11 “when I don’t know how to be”. I don’t have a chronic illness or even major mental illnesses, but I do have some sort of issues with socializing and even some things people view as easy, such ordering food at a restaurant (haven’t been diagnosed with anything so I don’t want to call it anything, but I know it’s *something*. I am aware I certainly am not the typical person.). That line hit hard, as I don’t really have the confidence (it’s more than a confidence issue. That’s just the easiest way to say this) to speak to a stranger, let alone make friends. As of right now, I have one friend. As of right now, I feel I am almost…. A separate entity to others in a restaurant, a supermarket, etc. As of right now, I don’t know how to be a functioning human. I don’t know how to be. I know that isn’t the original meaning of the lyrics, it’s much deeper than that. But hey, music is up for interpretation. I can’t relate to all the lyrics of the song, but all of the lyrics still hit like a truck. That’s the power of Ren and Chinchilla, I suppose. I have a bit of the way I apply the lyrics to my life as of right now. I will only include the lyrics I relate to/find personal meaning in. I know this may not be the place for this and it might not be coherent but if you want to read it, read at your own risk 😅😂 “There are voices in my head” while not literal voices, I have some sort of anxiety (using the term loosely. Might or might not be an anxiety disorder, I don’t know) and it’s like a loud person shouting warnings to me about every little thing, whether that be regarding everyday life, or speaking to people, or… well, anything. It overpowers all of my normal, rational thinking and won’t be quiet. It’s me… but it’s also not. “And the fear baptized me” again, related to anxiety. Can’t really explain it, I just… relate, y’know? “My kingdom turned to dust, and i watched all my riches rust. Have I lost the Midas touch or do sad eyes blind me?” I didn’t used to be this way, I used to be able to hold a conversation and not have to analyze every little thing they say and not feel like I’m pathetic when standing next to my peers. While I didn’t watch my metaphorical riches rust, I am now realizing how rusted they are. My kingdom of friends, support, and general happiness has crumbled. All of that possibility I had, all of that potential? Basically gone. I could get it back, but it’s so, so difficult. I used to have a good singing voice, I was building my creativity, but now? I don’t even sing in the shower (despite loving music and singing) due to a deep fear of judgement. I don’t draw because I feel like I’m inadequate. If I had developed those skills more, I might have had more confidence now. But nope. “Oh and it follows me, follows me home.. and it suffocates me” That feeling after having a “conversation” (at this point, to me a two sentence exchange is a conversation to me, 😅) that I said something wrong, or even worse if we get into a small argument, stays with me for days. It’s a pit in my stomach. It’s all I can think about. It’s suffocating (both metaphorically and sometimes literally) when all enjoyment is gone because all I can think about is how I messed up or whatever. “Oh, I can’t breathe” when talking to people, I get caught up in my thoughts and start panicking. I hyperventilated trying to order food from a fast food place. True story, wish it wasn’t. Then I realize I’m embarrassing myself by hyperventilating and panic more but internalize it, but the damage is already done. The cashier probably thinks I’m insane, they’re gonna laugh about this with their friends… yeah. That’s the thought process of everything I do, even something non-embarrassing like talking. “All I know is I forgot how to be me” I don’t really have a personality in public. I’m quiet, seemingly standoffish, and boring. One word answers, sometimes just a nod. When speaking to strangers, I forget how to be me. “Do our saviors die too soon, for my sins surround me” I am religious, and this hit. Not going to explain this one too much, I just… relate too much for comfort. “Where is my God where are you?” Not going to get into this one too much either, but I’ve always struggled with faith. I’ll leave it at that. I have much more I want to say, but words are hard sometimes. “When I don’t know how to be” As I said before, I currently don’t know how to be a functioning human in society. I know that this all sounds like rambling (because it kind of is!) and I apologize for the essay-long comment but I just thought I would be open because you, Becca, were so open. In a way, watching you tell your story made me want to tell mine. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. In character, posting this comment is making me nervous. I’ve done that before, wrote a really long paragraph then deleted all of it because I thought it was dumb. Oh well.
Oh, friend. Thank you so much for this. I want you to know I read this, and ask you to please not delete it (unless you’re really uncomfortable with it, then do whatever you need to do, no pressure)-it is so brave and commendable and courageous to share so vulnerably, and I’m grateful to be able to help you feel comfortable sharing your own story. That is one of the biggest compliments I could receive, as someone who loves storytelling and trying to help others feel seen and comfortable sharing whatever they decide they want to share. I am so sorry to hear of all you’re facing, and I’m proud of you for continuing to fight to live this life when things are so hard and uncertain. I see you. I hear you. And I relate to so much of what you shared here. Thank you for taking time not only to watch this video, but to also share your journey here-that means the world to me. And I thank your interpretation of those lyrics you mentioned in the first section definitely makes a lot of sense. There are so many possible layers of meaning, and I agree, that’s one of the most awesome things about music. I’m glad you’re here.😊💕
I once heard a quote when I was younger. Not sure where its from. but here ya go 'We dtrust the demons we know, not the angels we dont.' I realize I am late to your reaction, but NF has helped me a lot to challenge the inner monologue. The safe 'known' one that kept me bound to bad decisions. I realize an eating disorder is not the same as my own inner monologue; but I hope this helps. Your power isnt tied to one single decision. Or a single phrase. It is tied to victories. No matter how small they are. We gain confidence and power from those things to make better ones, more informed ones. The problem with inner demons and negative inner self talk is its easy. Its so easy to stay there, not only cause its known and comfortable; but also because its the human condition to live out the conditioning that tells us we are not worth anything. We, by staying that place of fear, pride and pain, are not only our own worst enemies. But we are also living thru self imposed Stockholm syndrome. To ourselves. Think about that for a second. We are living in a disorered emotional slave condition to ourselves. To the worst part of ourselves. But like Nate said once. I didnt realize I was the holding the keys. We are holding the keys to our own prison. A prison we designed to be inescapable because taking those chances, looking for those personal victories is far scarier than staying. So Becca. I challenge you to take the keys out of your pocket, open the door and walk out. I challenge you to shut that door, lock the demons away and starve them instead. Take away their power by placing the negative things on the floor like you are shedding dirty rags and pick up the new clothes of a new life. Forgive yourself for past decisions and bad calls. Lay it down. Its a walk, a Journey; if you will. And it will take time. But I believe that it will be a much shorter journey than the one you have been placed into these last 20 or so years. Your inner power will come. As long as you feed it victories, successes, triumphs. And truth. You got this.
I have a really good ear defender headphone (idk what their called) i can't hear when people are talking so they have to text me,but when i hear some type of noise or loud noises i get so scared i might start crying it kinda feels like getting stabed in the ear
Love your reactions! I think you should definitely take a look at troubles. It will be relatable and motivational. Looking forward to watching with ya! BTW if you haven’t listened to the chapters 1-8 in the troubles playlist on renmakesmusic you really should!
Ren's videos bring me to tears --- i like others have watched dozens of reacts but it's Rens words that tears the emotions out of me ---- in a way i watch these to feel something cos i am numbed by taking another pill for mental health....
Came across your channel today in what’s essentially my effort to watch every YT reaction to this video. I love your energy here, and I wish you (and yours) only the best on your journey. Much love! ❤
Becca did you hear about Rens legal issues he's dealing with right now? He bought a legit beat , contract and all but in the beat was an unauthorized sample and he's in some trouble now, no fault of his
I'm so happy to see you active here again!! I loved your excitement and enthusiasm for this one. It is a fantastic piece. I also love, here and with a lot of Big Push stuff, Ren, as band leader, going: Okay, Romain--you shine now; Okay, Gorran--you shine now. It really brings out the joy in the music, and I love watching you get so much joy out of the music as well! Thank you for this!
I can’t even tell you how much this made me smile. Took a screenshot to immediately share this with one of my best friends (who is the person I share what we call our “Quiet, Duck!” joke, but I LOVE that you made “shutupduck” one word.😁😊🤫🦆)
@@BeccaDoss ha that's awesome! It goes without saying that your reaction was really nice but I was stoned af when I saw shutupduck and felt your ego had been stroked enough for one evening and your background needed a mention 😊 Well good. Hope you're feeling lovely today 🥰 Big love from Manchester UK 💕
Ahhh, Phil! Okay, SO. I’m legit surprised you’re the only one who’s mentioned the shirt. I didn’t expect most to know the reference, because I know I have a lot of non-US based souls in this community, and even within the US, it’s a very niche Kentucky-thing. But basically, in the state of Kentucky, college (university) basketball is a religion, and the University of Kentucky basketball program (*our* version of UK😉) is legendary. However, the coach we’ve had since 2009-2010, while he got us one national title in 2012, has given us 4 first-round exits in the annual nationwide college basketball tournament in the spring, and come March, the state of Kentucky was kind of calling for his head on a metaphorical silver platter. Of course, since it’s a religion, his salary was RIDICULOUS, and he had, for all intents and purposes, a lifelong contract if he wanted it. Thankfully he realized Big Blue Nation was PISSED, and did the smart thing by resigning (so we didn’t have to pay tens of millions of dollars due to firing him). And now, we have Mark Pope as our coach, who actually happens to be a former Kentucky basketball player who was also on our 1996 national championship team. I ordered this shirt in April, within 48 hours of him being announced as our coach when I was up in the hospital for treatment. But now I’m intrigued, gonna have to go check out that song.😂
It's Great that you Are. Bec. I hope you are doing great This is my favorite corner of the internet. With a cute Angel in it. And if I look close, I can even see two of those. /P
Thank you, Peter! As always, this comment was a joy to read.😊 I’m so glad to be back in any capacity! I missed this community. Hope you’re doing all right, friend! So grateful for you!
So good to see you again, Becca! I really hope your time away was fruitful for you. What an incredible performance from Ren and friends! So beautiful and emotional. I’m glad to have the extra context you provided about his feelings on the song too. Amazing!
