Amazing message. I would add psychological component here - people who struggle with codependency and people pleasing issues - aka people who need detachment the most that the reason why they cannot detach is inability to express, feel or contemplate anger - there is total inability to process anger (due to ACE and ACoA, exposure to relentless criticism in childhood developmental years). Anger is path to detachment. Allow anger to give us idea - and anger will explain us how to detach - we simply need to listen to OUR OWN anger - not anger of hysterical people around us who push is into inability to detach.
I have this with a guy at work. I keep trying to connect to him, I even took him alone for 5 minutes to explain my feelings and who I am even if it was the most difficult thing of my life as I was shaking/unstable. And he responded with ''if you ever need help come see me''. He is somewhat of a social worker. But he took me as a client rather than a person and I really felt offended. I took the effort to open up and he put a wall down just like that. But I don't want to think of him that way as I want to see every person as a good person. So I assume it is because he doesn't want to mix personal life with work. But I cannot do that. I'm human after all. This video came in just at the right moment. Before the video my plan was to tell him that, it's okay if we never understand eachother. I just hope that you have a wonderful life and enjoy it. I decide my own happiness. And I will not stop until I am. I don't want these negative anxious feelings. And if blocking him out is necissary then I will. However; I will never block out someone permanently. If he does decide to open up, I'll be there. But yeah I know chances are slim. But we have to treat other people how we treat ourselves. Would we not want another chance when the time is right? You're a beautiful person man. Thank you for giving this information.
Even if we have our own problems, the avoidant is just triggering them 1000%, I used to become a lot more secure once I analyzed the situation and know what to expect from the person but with an avoidant it’s constantly changing goal posts and a small self confidence with a huge ego to back it up (ain’t saying I’m the most confident person but them they don’t help).
Hmm I think in relationships nobody is in the wrong (unless its like intentional abuse). If u are anxiously attached to an avoidant, its nobody's fault. You can only become aware of what is happening and then talk about it, figure out whats past fear and deal with that. And then see the present for what it is
Thank you for this honest expression. Can I ask what made you realize those patterns and decide to change them? you said (and I know) that avoidants are unaware of the ways they're hurting others or just prioritize themselves. So what was the point that made you realize, hey this isn't right?
Thank you for your question! For me it was that every single time I got a new connection it would be short and I couldn't even say if I had a genuine friend. I thought what if I for once did something opposite of what I would usually do. I tried to look back at a conversation for instance and be completely neutral (so not take anyone's side) and looked at what I said and if a complete stranger would read it, would my point come across? In my case it was no and I saw that I stepped back every time and had to change that
@@DastanHeinz Thank you! so basically if you had someone patient and tolerant and understanding of your tendencies, it wouldn't incentivise you to think if you are doing anything wrong?
Thank you so much for this. Have been avoidant my whole life and recently it costed me my relationship with a girl I loved so dearly but just couldn't express it to her during our time together. I have been trying my hardest to change this part of my life and I truly want to break out of this cycle of hurt that I cause the people around me. I know the road will not be easy, but I am determined to try my best till my bones give out.
