ik this was posted two years ago but... im going to vent anyway. so basically my parents have been separated since i was 4 or maybe 5 idk. anywaysss flash forward to my freshman year of high school, my grandma died 3-ish weeks before school started. i become super anxious and depressed. then i switched schools because the work at my old school was too easy for me. i moved to the local public school near where my dad lived. the school i used to go to was a private school. since i came from a private school that the local kids HATED, i started to get bullied. like heavily. i tried to kill myself i think maybe 3 times? i honestly cant remember. it was such a dark time so i tend to avoid it. i eventually stood up for myself and everything was fine. a year or so goes by and my depression and anxiety get worse and i try to kill myself again. mind you this was a couple months ago so maybe around the start of 2023. i start to get bullied again. the only thing that really helped was wilbur's music soooo yeah. its september of 2023 and im still getting bullied :]
Ycgma is literally my comfort album, everytime I feel extremely anxious or depressed I come back, life is difficult now for a LOT of reasons and sometimes I just wanna quit, this version in especial makes me more emotional since it's so calm and peaceful, it calms me down while I'm crying late at night and needed comfort
VENT WARNING: SELF HARM, HURTFUL THINGS! this morning I woke up from a nightmare about my favorite person. First it was them saying horrible and hurtful things to me, saying the hate me, saying that I was the reason they are hurting themselves. Then the dream changed. I was holding their hand at the edge of a clif, they said “ I never loved you” and pushed me off the clif. Then I had to watch as they hurt themselves, then I woke up. I really appreciate you letting me vent here, bc writing this all out was really helpful.
~~~ 0:00 - Jubilee Line 3:05 - Saline Solution 6:23 - Since I Saw Vienna 8:50 - Losing Face 12:48 - Your Sister Was Right 15:18 - La Jolla 18:55 - I'm Sorry Boris ~~~
I cane back here on a whim and realized it's been just over a year since my last comment. So time for another life update. Things got better. Much, much better. The people who hurt me are out of my life, apart from my parents who i am moving away from in about a month. I hurt myself and i stopped. I got diagnosed. I have a small collection of friends and a girlfriend who makes me a better person every day. I have a little confidence, growing tentatively. I put myself down too much because i don't have much but when i look where i was a year ago i remember i should be proud. I have a future and i don't know what will happen with it, but i have it. Life is better. It was bound to get better eventually. It was hard but i am okay. And i still like wilbur, hence my being here. Some things never change.
im so stuck. its almost like sometimes, its the same everyday. i try doing stuff different. but yet, with the ways months have passed, things are still similar. oh. why. why, i try so hard. yet i still remember the way it felt to get crushed under him. i stull remember the fear i had when he almost stabbed me. only this year i finally escaped sexual harassment and assault. two different guys, ones a stabbing pervert, another is my own cousin. and, her. its like, i try so uard to get over it and, i dont know how to. it just gets stuck inside me. everyone sees me as some sort of hyper lil talkative person, but, i feel bad because i dont live up to taht expectation. im, just rotting in my room. i don't know how to get over it. it haunts me sometimes. those experiences i had.. those people ive met.. her.. theyre gone, but i worry, what if they come back? im so stuck I HATE IT. PLEASE JUST LET ME BE FUCKING NORMAL. I WANT TO HAVE NICE CONVERSATIONS WITH MY FRIENDS, HANG OUT, BUT EVEN MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS AT THIS POINT IS SUPER HARD. i know so many people yet i only keep up with one, but even with tjem, i dont answer much because im too busy cryung and listening to music, pacing around my room, thinking of those bad shit that happened to me. i miss drawing. i miss playing games. i miss reading. i miss my hobbies. im glued to my phone hoping something happens. something fun happens and instead i just . waste my life looking around for something to do online but its just me listening to music and crying. i feel better, just ranting to the world about it. even if it really isnt the world and just a comment section. i, i just like that real people are here, real people just like me. and im not some sort of., pyscho. just rambling in mynnotes. it, makes my feelings feel more bunched up inside of me . ill come more. sometimes my own thoughts haunt me. but im ready to live another life. one where, these things dont haunt me. theyre not here anymore, they cant hurt me. im living a whole different new life with out them. its over. its in the past. its done. its a new day where i can do new shit.
i just ghosted my friends. i havent talked to them in 3 days. i . i feel so awkward. i got so busy with fathers day and, my own personal mental health. i feel bad i dont even know how to apologize or how to come back. like, am i even supposed to apologize? surely i have to. they seem annoyed. i left without saying anything. what do i even say. im not even a good friend. i barely message people. im sorry. i really am. i wish i wasnt like this. i dont know how to end a conversation, im so sorry i just read peoples messages and sometimes dont reply/forget to reply becaude i started being the same slump ive been ever since i learned i was s/a. i dont know why it sticks with me so much. i dont even know how to deal witu it. ive talked to the hotlines and all they tell me is.. like to have self love or something. but. im horrible at commitment. i cant even brush my own teeth everyday haha. i try, ive been doing better. i wanna be better.. maybe ill go see that rainb thing they sent me. well. see you again later. hope you're doing better dude. please know each day is a new day where you can start over again. mwah. i love you
NOT AGAIN NOT AFAIN APSHAOS OT AGON NOT AGAIN NO KONKONINONONO ONONO. i CANT DO IT NOT A HOTLINE AGAIN PLEASE NO I CANT NO NO STOP ITS THE FORUTH TIME NO MPLEADE I FEEL DISGUSTED BU MY OWN MENRAL ILLNESS NO
algo que me hace gracia es que por lo más caótico que se ponga su fandom y lo popular/mainstream que se vuelva siempre veo a alguien dentro de los haters que dice "pero quackity es chill, no me cae mal" agdhavsk este tipo es un personaje de DnD con el carisma al máximo estaba mirando un stream de HasanAbi el otro día y Quackity y sus amigos estaban webeando un montón y el chat los odiaba pero incluso entre los "callense niñitos gritones" habían un montón de "QUACKITYYYY POGGIES" cuando apareció y "GIGACHAD Quackity" cuando decía algo su respuesta a que las personas no lo quisieran en Karmaland fue tan de buenas que inmediatamente gran parte del hate se cortó de una lmAOO
más encima el tipo es tan chistoso que apenas estar unos meses en la comunidad hispanohablante se construyó un fanbase parecido en tamaño al que le tomo como 6 años en la inglesa en ambas ocasiones solo necesitaba ser más conocido para empezar a crecer pq era un don nadie pero igual de chistoso cuando tenía como 16
All my grades are slowly decreasing because I've lost all sense of motivation for anything. My family says they love me, but I don't believe them. They always fight and yell at me for not being motivated and for constantly saying sorry. I say it to advoid fights. I'm self-diganosed depressed and anxious. I'm dating my best friend, but I can't tell my parents 'cause I'm scared they're homophobic. I want to get therapy, but I don't know how to ask. I'm tired of existing. I'm tired of whenever I have a good day it's repaid by a bad day. I'm tired of falling in love with something just for it to disappear right in front of my eyes. I want a family. I want to live my dream. I want to be free. But I'm stressed out from school, my family, the voices in my head, and the pressure of being me. I want to cry, but I'm slowly becoming numb. I want to be adopted. I want to run away. I want someone to hold me and say I am good enough and worth love. I'm atheist, but my parents are Christian, so I'm scared to tell them. I am pan and pangender/genderqueer/intergender. I go by he/she/them/anything but it, and I am scared to come out of the closet for both identities. Thank god for the DSMP, my girlfriend, and my friends. They are the only reasons I am alive. Even then, I'm still suicidal. Sorry for ranting. Edit: I read an article and one quote said, "Why am I a hero if I die, and a nuisance if I live?" This represents so many people. We are all beloved when we die, but hit and rumored about and bleed if we live. Please for anyone still reading. Don't become me. Don't give in. The World needs you.
i understand. i know this is an old comment but i feel like it’s important to reply. i know it’s not easy. my grades are currently going down and i’m struggling with depression and self diagnosed anxiety while also my parents are always fighting over my brothers and my state. i dont have many people to talk to, but the person i feel most comfortable talking to about things can’t even communicate now because his phone completely broke. his parents can’t get him a new phone for a while so we’ve been talking through his school email. im quite an over thinker, and i feel my boyfriend is losing feelings or something. he didn’t hug goodbye when we left school either, which he always does. im listening to these songs because i can relate to some, but they’re just genuinely good songs. i always have my notifications on so im here to talk. ❤
SONG- Muerte en Hawaii*By Calle 13* LYRICS <3 Yo he peleado con cocodrilos, me he balanceado sobre un hilo cargando más de quinientos quilos, le he dado la vuelta al mundo en menos de un segundo he cruzado cien laberintos y nunca me confundo, respiro dentro y fuera del agua como las focas soy a prueba de fuego agarro balas con la boca. Mi creatividad vuela como los aviones, puedo construir un cerebro sin leer las instrucciones.Hablo todos los idiomas de todos los abecedarios, tengo más vocabulario que cualquier diccionario. Tengo vista de águila, olfato de perro, puedo caminar descalzo sobre clavos de hierro. Soy inmune a la muerte c:, no necesito bendiciones porque siempre tengo buena suerte, ven conmigo a dar un paseo por el parque porque tengo más cosas que contarte que García Márquez por ti, todo lo que hago lo hago por ti, esque tú me sacas lo mejor de mi, soy todo lo que soy porque tú eres todo lo que quiero. Por ti, todo lo que hago lo hago por ti, esque tú me sacas lo mejor de mi, soy todo lo que soy, porque tú eres todo lo que quiero. Puedo brincar la cuerda con solo una pierna, veo en la obscuridad sin usar una linterna, cocino lo que quieras pues soy todo un chef, tengo sexo 24/7 todo el mes. Puedo soplar las nubes grises pa' que tengas un buen día, también se comunicarme por telepatía, por ti, cruzo la frontera sin visa, y le saco una buena sonrisa a la Mona Lisa, por ti, respiro antes de morirme, por ti voy a la iglesia y escucho toda la misa sin dormirme. Sigo siendo rey aunque no tenga reino, mi sudor huele a perfume y nunca me despeino. Se pelear todas las artes marciales, también se comunicarme con los animales. Mientras más pasa el tiempo me veo más joven, y está canción la compuse sin escuchar como Bethoven. Por ti, todo lo que hago lo hago por ti, esque tú me sacas lo mejor de mi, soy todo lo que soy, porque tú eres todo lo que quiero. Por ti, todo lo que hago lo hago por ti, esque tú me sacas lo mejor de mi, soy todo lo que soy, porque tú eres todo lo que quiero.. TUU TUU TUU <3
I come back to this comments section again tonight, significantly less stressed than last time but regardless. This seems like a good place to spew my thoughts so might as well. I can't think of how to organize anything so this will just be a bulleted list of my life right now lol. - I've reached the final week of my junior year of high school. Because of covid this is the first time I've experienced it in person. Things could be better, but they could be worse. I can't get myself to study, I had the first half of my math final today and didn't do great. I haven't been to a psychologist but I know something is wrong and I've checked out mentally for the last few days of school. I've never had problems with getting up and getting to school even at my worst before this, maybe because it was online then, but now i'm barely managing these last few days. but I prioritized school over myself heavily up until a few months ago so I don't think my grades will suffer massively. Four more days to go. - Sometimes I feel like music and Minecraft are the only things that bring me much joy. I have one incredible friend but they live out of town and when I'm not with them I spend days or weeks feeling alone. logically I know that my family and school acquaintances don't all hate me but often it's easier to close myself up than be reasonable. - I spent most of 2020-2021 in a really bad state so it wasn't until very recently that I actually let myself engage in my interests. A few months ago I bought a poster for a band I liked and wanted to cry when it arrived because I've never gotten myself anything so personal as that one poster before. Nobody had gotten me a gift that personal in years either and it was more special because I earned it with my own money. It feels really nice to let myself enjoy things, who would've thought lmao. a few months later and I have posters all over my walls and merch is basically all I wear. I didn't get to have obsessions or get into fun things like a lot of my friends did back when we were all 14 and I was too bust being sad so I'm really enjoying it now. I'm drawing fan art. Impulsively buying merch. I'm writing for the sake of writing with no end goal of publishing. Even if like I grow out of Minecraft and of wilbur and all the other things I'm enjoying now, I won't regret letting myself have fun for once. - I'm learning guitar now, I can play the l'manberg national anthem (literally just hallelujah), Since I saw vienna, and I'm staring to learn your new boyfriend. I'm learning I really enjoy music in all forms. Playing it, singing it, but I wouldn't be caught dead performing for a crowd. When I had to pretty much rebuild myself after 2020, I emulated a lot of traits from confident characters and people I looked up to (staring directly at c!tommy) but it's much harder to put into practice. I was able to start guitar lessons and that's a big step but still I had to drop drama which I put on my schedule for senior year a while ago. I'm just not ready for performing yet. But I have the rest of my life. Some day. - but overall I'm definitely feeling more confident about my future. some things could be better for sure but I think things will work themselves out. I'm sure I'll visit the comments again sometime. Edit: phrasing
I being so damn empty. Sure, I don't feel empty all the time: sometimes I'm angry, or sad- but I don't feel happy either. Or if I do it's fleeting. I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy and forgot about everything: my mum's terminal cancer and my stupid autism and social anxiety and the urge to self harm again. I just wish I could hang out with a big group of friends and forget for a little bit. This album helps a lot though. .
