Todd Creager is a relationship expert based out of Huntington Beach in Orange County. He provides marriage counseling and sex therapy to couples and individuals, specializing on issues like intimacy, infidelity, toxic relationships, communication and more.
Todd offers a variety of solutions for his clients, including regular therapy, couples retreats and various workshops and programs.
Todd serves the surrounding areas including Newport Beach, Laguna Beach, Irvine, Corona del Mar, Seal Beach and Long Beach. He also provides counseling via Skype for the benefit of out of area clients. Contact Todd today at (714) 848-2288.
He said he felt single when leaving for work. Give me a break!! he did it twice and one affair lasted 11 years. I won't go back even though he is a affair program.
my girlfriend cheated after 6 years of unconditional love, care and support. I feel like such an idiot. I will never trust out side my immediate friends and family ever again. I watched her squirm and grasp at straws when i confronted her. I will never speak to her again after months of cheating. It was like watching a cockroach trying climb out of a glass.
That is a painful experience. I hope that this one person doesn't make you generalize and see everyone as not trustworthy since that is not true. Take care.
my girlfriend cheated after 6 years of unconditional love, care and support. I feel like such an idiot. I will never trust out side my immediate friends and family ever again. I watched her squirm and grasp at straws when i confronted her. I will never speak to her again after months of cheating. It was like watching a cockroach trying climb out of a glass.
my girlfriend cheated after 6 years of unconditional love, care and support. I feel like such an idiot. I will never trust out side my immediate friends and family ever again. I watched her squirm and grasp at straws when i confronted her. I will never speak to her again after months of cheating. It was like watching a cockroach trying climb out of a glass.
The best solution is to quit drinking not to reduce it. We have more capacity to stop drinking because alcohol is not our natural need. It’s easier to make a decision when you’re sober than when you’re drunk
Cheaters have no empathy, an overwhelming sense of personal entitlement, are arrogant and uncaring. That will never change so they will always cheat if they feel that they need a pick-me-up.
Part of having him go plain crazy and unlocking his primal impulses is a result of speaking out just the right words. Yes, where to begin? Celestine Dessike's latest (go'ogle her) takes you by the hand if you really want to cut out all the guesswork and get him going!
Thanks Todd. I’m going to have my first EMDR session tomorrow. (I’m the betrayed, male spouse) I really hope this helps…it’s been too difficult for too long.
You are welcome Mike. I wish the best for you I have used EMDR for people in your situation a lot. I am here for you if you need me but I hope this works great for you!
When I found out, I was on a mission, I became obsessed. I didn't sleep, yet I had energy and rage fueling me. I first went to her workplace and looked for her. Everyone knew who I was and were gobsmacked. They didn't know where she or her partner was or they just lied. I knew better than to believe them. I let them know that I was looking for him and I wanted to have a talk with him. I then went to the general manager and let her know that I knew. I also said that such a situation under her roof would be bad for morale and that she should have a talk with both of them. together or individually, it didn't matter. I turned on the charm and asked her to address it at her earliest opportunity. She agreed and we shook hands and I left. All of my senses were heightened, I felt as if my blood was about to burst through my veins. I cornered the coworker who facilitated the affair for them and let her know that I would not stop and let him know that I was coming. Suddenly, I started getting multiple texts from my wife begging for me to talk to her.. alternately, she would call me in hope of reaching me. I ignored them all. I finally called my wife, she hadn't answered the phone that fast since we first started dating. She asked me where I was...I responded that I was everywhere and nowhere at once. She started to crack on the phone; I finally asked her if there was something that she had to tell me... because I was not the fool she thought I was. She was at a loss for words, a rare thing for her. I told her there's something that I have to do and before she could say anything else, I hung up. During the exchange, I was walking into her affair partner's apartment building and right up to his door. I relied on my breathing techniques I learn through meditation to center myself, clear my mind, and to fortify my purpose. I knocked, I didn't think she would be there, I don't think I would have cared. He answered, I let myself in with the coldest smile I had and surveyed the scene of the " crime " He didn't take long to start singing like a canary with me in front of him . I got up and headed for the door. Suddenly, he tried to act brave, trying to gaslight me, he was contradicting himself left and right. I let him know that I already spoke to his boss and everyone knows I will return if necessary. He stopped talking...as if trying to catch his breath. I told him to stay away from my family... namely my son or I would return. I opened the door and said, " See you around " with a smile. He didn't move. Behind the door, I could hear him cursing over and over. He resigned the next day..she quit the following day..I didn't care. That was almost twenty years ago. The worst punishment you can give someone is to leave them to their own devices.
My husband still wants to go to the church where the emotional affair partner goes. It’s killing me. He seems so happy when he gets to go because I give in to his pouting, but then I’m just getting destroyed and dreading every Sunday. The church also minimizes the situation. My faith is getting very harmed because I feel like God and everyone are against me now. I feel so stupid that I can’t just leave. I’m attached and dependent on him. I feel like such a loser and ugly and uneducated, because I compare myself with the other woman. He most likely has undiagnosed autism which makes it even harder; he can’t see my perspective and calls me crazy and minimizes the fact that he “only took her out to lunch” with his ring off… Sorry for the rant. I just want to not hurt anymore. I wish I could build a life under the same roof and not think of any of this. I’ve asked him to please not mention the church or anybody there and let me just pretend it never happened. That plan has not gotten off the ground very well, as he gets contacted by people often and invited places by them. They’re all a trigger to me now. Does anyone have a suggestion of one or two things I can do just get up and move forward? I feel like my chest has been blown out.
Sadly far too often, when it’s a male initiator (who’s not making an unreasonable amount of advances), and a female rejecting, its written off as men being too horny or always wanting sex. This really exponentiates the shame the man is feeling.
That does happen and of course, desiring to have sex with one’s partner is not only a healthy impulse but one that should be validated as much as possible. Two partners will not be the same in many areas, including their sexual desire or even what turns them on. The secret, of course, is for each person to appreciate each other’s differences and to do their best to meet each other’s needs, including that of sexual intimacy.
the problem with this video and this advice is that you are under the impression that the millions of men out there are not talking to their partners about their lack of intimacy, well most people do talk about it and nothing gets resolved, so a better video would be what to do in that instance and not in your miracle cure for one man but not his wife.
After cheating the relationship can really "work" again for the cheater. For the cheated party (except for spouses who remain married but don't actually care if their spouse cheats or not for various reasons) it "works" when s/he swallows the tough pill for the family. This, in case they have some self respect because there are people with no self respect whatsoever. Those are lost causes and no matter how much the cheater cheats they aren't leaving.
There are types and types of cheaters. The worst are the ones who are like "I am quite happy with my life with my husband/wife but I cheat for the thrill and excitement". You cannot find a worst type because they give absolutely no s**t about their partner.
Thank you for this video. There is a children's book called The Sky is Red by Tyra Juliette Schwartz that is a great way to talk with young kids about gaslighting in an age appropriate way. I found it on Amazon. It encourages children to trust their instincts and to hold onto what they know is true, even if pressured not to. Great resource for this exact topic.
This is true psychopathic cheating is a whole other level, people that make mistakes are different and maybe able to work it out, if it’s a psychopath, run far and disappear
“The spouse that was betrayed is 100% not responsible.” One minute later: “could the betrayed spouse have created an environment where blah blah blah”. So, uh, maybe 95% then? Jesus. Lets blame and claim not to blame.
I have a tip for all the therapists peddling the “marriage can be saved” crap. If you really really want to do a service to society, spend the first 5 years after infidelity focus 100% on the victim of cheating and stop this garbage about the cheater. Let them suffer horribly. Make every conversation about pain and the damage they created. Then after the 5 years is up, recommend the victim divorce the cheater. The cheater needs to feel the full, lifelong weight of their betrayal. Whoever tells you their relationship is better, is lying. I’ve seen the “get over it” marriages. They’re broken beyond repair, and they admit to openly lying to their therapists.
People have very strong feelings about this, and I totally understand. Just understand, though that I’m definitely not one of those get over it kind of therapists nor would I ever expect a victim of infidelity to just get over it. If you listen to some more of my videos, you’ll get a better sense of where I come from regarding those who betray. It’s not as simple as bad people are those that cheat. It’s just deeper and more complex than that and that truth has been experienced by me for now over four decades. But like I said before, I do understand the strong feelings.
@@ToddCreager Respectfully, I think this is an excuse machine for cheaters. For every well intentioned therapist, theres a nutjob like Esther Perel sucking up the air with her crazy, “its okay to cheat and we have to change the dynamics” garbage. I admit to conflation with the extremist view, but there used to be social consequences for this crap. If your boss found out you would lose your job, your club memberships cancelled, banks would even refuse to work with you. That was decades ago. Now its, ‘cheat, fix some stuff, blame the partner of course because its always their fault, and no one has a problem with it’. I think the cheater is wholesale the issue. It starts with a lie - “I promise to be faithful”. At some point they fail to be honest about their issues. Again, NOT the fault of the victim. Then they act on the impulse. Its all masked narcissism. My biggest issue is acting as if this behavior should be normalized or even accepted. We do too much of that now. Out country has to stop “accepting” every indecent behavior simply for the sake of fixing the unfixable. Fix the victims. Thats who needs the help. I’m not saying you’re ill intentioned or you blame the victim. But if you separate the cheating from the marriage, thats a problem. They aren’t causal. The cheating is that partners world view of their partner. They openly devalue that person. They willingly abuse trust and love. They engage in cruelty. Thats their definition of marriage. To them the victim of their actions has asked for it, wants it, deserves it, whatever. No where in there is anything worthwhile. They asked for it, got it, and in many cases are proud of it. The question I would ask is an ethical one. By encouraging couples to stay together and work through it, inevitably blaming victims at some point, though maybe not intentionally, are you in fact promoting a cultural shift where cheating is becoming normalized and more acceptable? Its a serious ethical question…
The cheater doesn't care they are not sorry. Never said sorry either èven while dying. Been gone 5 years now still get ptsd days. I wasn't getting my needs met he was impotent and tried blaming me he was a narcissist as well. I stayed because he cheated overseas but I rang the woman and told her she could have him. Seen he cheated. She had no idea we had a handicapped child. Selfish woman and thoughtless. She knew he was married. I didn't forgive him either. 46 years married and I wasted years because he was not easy to live with. Its absolute betrayal.
I broke up with my ex dec 18, 2 years ago. Just recently found out she is having a 2nd kid. I’m ok with it, I just haven’t moved past the grieving, resentful part I do feel stuck in it. I want to not be bitter, & forgive her. & also the shame of not making good decisions while receiving the revelations, & I definitely got locked into contempt in anger, I asked her to go to therapy she said we not married & we already have to go to couples therapy, after a house fire during Covid & 3 deaths, she was out drinking doing drugs & cheating living a double life. It was so distasteful but I definitely took the opportunity to dig deeper I had that ego death, but I’m stuck at the grieving part still I think.
I’m not gonna talk about it from the partners point of view that is not initiating sex so you give me a point of view that both aren’t initiating sex thank you for not helping but just confusing
I feel like sharing two of my written Texts. About my experience. Making Love The intention to have sex creates expectations, pressure to perform and fear of failure. If you've been sexually traumatized, it's even worse. Making love, on the other hand, is something that almost any being can do at any time. Even sexually traumatized people can do it if they are loving people by nature. Making love includes all sexual elements and works like a manual. what is good for you, you do. And we can practice it with ourselves and with others. Then sex is irrelevant and you can love yourself and others physically. Coming And Going Making love or sex can be one of the most beautiful experiences or one of the worst nightmares. I was sexually traumatized in my childhood, when I was six years old. That can be a huge obstacle, but I want to use these words to solve a different problem. One reason why making love or having sex can be one of the worst nightmares is forcing yourself to come and not being able to come. Many men and women feel a lot of pressure. And if they can't come, they think they're failing, and inner self-torture ensues. Some even opt for abstinence or celibacy to not make love or avoid sex with others altogether, just because they can't come. What many don't realize is that the nature of opposites lives in every phenomenon, including making love and sex. We come or go. And "going" in this context means not coming. We are not failures if we can't come. Making love and sex is not about winning or losing. Learn to appreciate not coming as a truth. Because to supress a truth is to give it force beyond endurance. And remember, as soon as this blockage is no longer a blockage, because you enjoy both coming and going, you can dare to make love or have sex with other people again. And be aware that if you go now, you will come even harder later. So cherish it when you go. You will come so strong because you are going.
Before Discovery the wife is having the time of her life and having the best sex of her life. After discovery she's angry at you because you have ruined her good time. They simply feel no more than this
In a nutshell, I come from a dysfunctional and psychologically abusive relationship with my father who was a covert narcissist and had robbed me of my self-worth, I was homeless with him for a very long time during my upbringing and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to escape that and had to go great lengths to get away from him. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet, I genuinely felt that I would belong with them and I thought they felt same way, but unfortunately, I guess they didn’t. What seemed like a gift from the universe, just turned into something that only contributed to my psychological and emotional wounds, I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they were to live with, and how conditional their love and regard was towards me, couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am and only if I meet certain criteria, and had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved. It’s just really unfair to me how my upbringing pretty much got robbed by a narcissist father and is something no kid should ever have to go through, while my fully related brother got to have what they called a ‘privileged life’. Yet, some online stranger on discord said to me “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and even a former friend laughs at me and invalidates me and minimizes my feelings saying “well they raised your brother and not you so he’s their kid and not you why do you think you deserve everything what he always gotten.” and that put more salt in the wound…it’s just really unfair, my aunt didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and was like “why not come stay here?”. It has put me in a constant endless loop of rumination. I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere. They treated me as equally as their 2 boys… I wanted that with my brother… every other kid gets to have a family home life, the most basic thing in the world… except for me I guess… I have had someone that recognized the validity of my feelings though, and that person said “How on earth can you not be allowed just the same if not more”.
