The content on this channel is brought to you by me, Cassie Gudmundson (a mom of 3 & parent coach). Daily, I share actionable tips, guidance & strategies you can use as a parent of a little kid, ages 0-5yo. And giving you everything you need to be a respectful, loving, effective parent!
Topics covered on this channel include: Parenting, Child Development, Toddler Tantrums, Hitting and other tricky behaviors, Emotional Regulation, Boundaries, Discipline & more!
My mission is for you to actually love and THRIVE in the toddler years, instead of just surviving them. And learn how to cut the tantrums & tricky behaviors in half, stay grounded as a parent, and do it all without timeout, punishment or yelling. YOU GOT THIS!
⚡️Check out my guides & resources HERE ➡︎ stan.store/mompreneurmindset
If you're sleep deprived and/ or hungry and snapping at people should you not try and get food or sleep, if snapping at people? What’s wrong with addressing the root cause?
That's the whole point, yes, teaching them. This is the process of teaching them that. They aren't going to absorb it all at once and it might even take them weeks, months, or years depending on the complexity of the social lesson. Yelling or punishing for something they cannot yet control is ridiculous, and counterintuitive to the learning process.
The kids are definitely hitting you on purpose. I've literally seen so many to toddlers that don't act like how you're describing because the their parents taught them the right way to treat people and they actually understand it. Not this thing where parents are constantly deceiving the kids so that their behavior is modified to what the parent can tolerate. They literally should feel bad if they cause someone else to suffer in any way. That's a basic human need on their side and for others and they can understand that very quickly
I have a question. From the age of about 18 months to maybe 3.5 years, my sister would get upset about something, but then cry and indicate she wanted to be held and saying, “sorry,” but then as soon as one of us picked her up she would immediately start hitting us and going for the jugular (metaphorically). What is an appropriate way to handle that? It just seemed extremely calculated because she would be crying and asking to be held and saying sorry but as soon as she was picked up the change was immediate. So what was going on developmentally and how should that kind of thing be navigated?
Children aren't calculated, although some behaviours they may learn like 'if I cry, my mom will give me sweets'. It's not an evil mastermind, just socialised. If your sister cries to be lifted and gets a tantrum when lifted, put her down, tell her what's okay, what's not okay - her feelings are okay, she's learning to navigate, and maybe she thought she needed a hug but as she gets the hug she realises that was not it. Mentalize with her and assume that in her mind she is truly doing the best she can (like the video says, it's the emotional brain talking)
Great advice. You have to develop a sort of language with your child that allows them to turn their emotions into thoughts they can act on. They need to be able to recognize what they're feeling, acknowledge their instinct, and choose to do something different. Especially for young children, that means you have to model it for them. Physically removing them in the moment is a good precursor to them walking away on their own. Talking about it after they calm down is a good precursor to them self-soothing. Building that habit of remove and reflect shifts away from dysregulation and towards conscious self-regulation that increases their agency rather than decreases it. It makes them more self-sufficient as they get older and it makes your job as a parent easier in the long run. This works on adults who struggle with harmful behaviors too. Yes, the behavior is "wrong," but saying so without providing alternatives is like putting a sealed bottle in a microwave. Suppressed emotions will explode and they'll regress to the only tool they have, which is the inappropriate behavior they know is wrong. Then they have to cover it up and you either find out and punish them, or you don't find out and it incentivizes them to hide more inappropriate behaviors. If they don't trust you, they won't come to you for help and if you don't know what happened, you can't hold them accountable in any way that matters. Trust is paramount and you don't get to have it by default, whether you're a parent, a mentor or a friend. You have to model appropriate behaviors without resorting to judgment or the shame, guilt, and regret will erode the trust that's necessary for change.
Parents are not bothered by their kids emotions. It's that the kid's being disrespectful. Like this example. The kid should never act anything like that because their parent didn't do what the child wanted. The parents need to have authority over the kids, not only for the good of the child but for the parents, their families and even the society. "Oh it's not possible for them to understand at that age" -says every early childhood education friend i have. Yeah well why don't you ask parents what they're doing so that their two year old actually does listen? Our society used to be strong now everyone believes any lie that has a scientific study attached to it
What you are teaching is for parents to continue their own growth. None of us are fully formed mature parents when we start parenting. We all learn on the job. Ideas change with the generations, so there are few good "modern" guides.
Please do not shame this incredibly useful phrase like this. The example you used is NOT the example of when this phrase should be used. In the example you used the child IS using their words. They are clearly and effectively communicating their frustrations and desires. "Use your words" is not meant to help children regulate their emotions. It's meant to teach them communication skills. You should use this phrase when your child is NOT using words and simply whining, screaming, crying, etc but with no words to communicate their wants or needs, as well as when they are resorting to things like hitting, throwing objects, or just flailing about. In the situation you described the term "use your words" would be confusing and perhaps even invalidating to a child because they ARE using their words. They're communicating effectively. They're just not communicating politely. Emotional regulation is an extremely important skill to learn, and "use your words" is not the tool for it, but that does NOT mean that this tool isn't valuable. It's just being employed for a job it's not meant to do. You shouldn't use a screwdriver or a hammer when what you need is a hexkey. And you shouldn't use "use your words" when your child is already using words and the tool you need is one like gentle reminders to ask politely, or teaching them some basic grounding techniques for children. Please please please do not spread misinformation about parenting. It's hard enough being a parent as it is. We don't need parents taking potentially useful tools out of their toolbox. We just need them to know how to most effectively use those tools.
I hear what you're saying! This examples was more about how he was communicating his needs & feelings. And I still, respectfully, disagree. I've shared other examples, and similarly - if a child is in the midst of a tantrum, whining, throwing, etc. they are dysregulated. And not able to access the part of their brain that processes language + logic. In the same way, I take those moments to help them regulate and phrases like "Stop whining, I can't understand you, use your words" often make children feel more overwhelmed, shamed or dysregulated. I just don't find it necessary for most situations (of course, I can't say 100% black and white!) There are other tools that I find to be more effective + respectful!
@CassieMomCoach I see what you're saying. I think the phrase can still be used to help them communicate their feelings better, but I do agree with you that the phrase by itself can for sure be used to dismiss a child's feelings, which should never be the intention. I still think it's important to teach them to be able to use their communication skills even while stressed *if possible* and should not be forced, but that, as you said, teaching emotional regulation should come first. Personally, my intentions for the use of that phrase are to be for after they've learned emotional regulation skills as a reminder to use those skills so they can communicate, and if they're still struggling to use words to from there fall back on the more important guidance through said regulation. It's not meant to be a tool used alone. Also, I noticed a lot of your content is targeted at raising toddlers specifically, and honestly this isn't really a phrase I would use for toddlers at all. It's more of a phrase for children who've mostly learned emotional regulation skills already. I think part of the miscommunication was a misunderstanding on my part of your target audience. I looked at some of your other videos and you do have great advice that I agree with and have seen multiple sources I pay attention to say similar things.
The kid will learn the meaning of "use your words" or any other phrase you employ regularly. So use adultesque phrases for what YOU actually mean. A little child who is having a meltdown should not achieve victory for having the meltdown. Patiently ignore him, isolate him or restrain him (if absolutely necessary). When he is calm, speak to him as you would have him learn to speak to others.
I don't see parents using this the way you describe. It seems like you're making a strawman argument to promote something that makes you money. Most of the time it's a reminder when kids look like they might grab or hit not to grab or hit. Yes, self regulation is the skill, but I think you're missing the point. Lots of parents use this well and their children know what they mean.
💯 While "use your words" is useful at times, it is not useful at that point you describe. My degree is a BS in Ed and I recall lots of yuppie parents misusing the "use your words" guidance even then in the late '80s. In school we learned that this phrase is best applied to situations where a calm child is reaching for something and perhaps making eye contact with the adult to indicate that they want it (a common thing is a sippy cup). At this point it's fine to ask the child to say "sippy cup". If you are looking for a specific word out of a child that is less likely to use words, it's good to tell them what word(s) you want from them to avoid frustration since they may not remember the word.
Thank you!!! I literally just had a talk with my husband today about this. His approach is different than mine and I love how you explain exactly what I was trying to convey to him! Please keep making more videos!
Your right of course we don’t allow them to hit or break stuff or run in a street however crying or getting upset is normal even for adults that why we need to teach them how to cope with there emotions in a healthy way
It's called the terrible twos and terrible threes for a reason let them work it out like you said it's a normal part of their development and is no reflection on the parent. Too many people worry about what others would say about their parenting. Toddlers are going to be toddlers and it passes. You're absolutely right. It is okay for little humans to have big emotions. ❤
I do find "use your words" to be useful when all my toddler does is the whiney sound. I ask whatswrong, or if he needs something and he makes a louder whiney sound. So i say "hey bud, i need you to use your words. I dont know what uuuuuuuuuuuuu is, you need to use words to tell me what you want" and then he usually takes a second to think about it and starts speaking his toddler gibberish. Staying calm works!
The behaviour is absolutely normal and they don't need punishing. Little humans need guidence and good age related communication. Stop thinking children need punishing.
I'll assume you're talking to me, and I'm genuinely sorry if I misunderstood who you're talking to. If a child hits their sibling, throws their food on the floor or runs dangerously close to the road just because they can and want, they need to be punished to understand that certain actions are unacceptable. If you rely completely on your child's ability to listen without having any consequences, I wish you luck because you'll need an unimaginable amount of luck. Parenting without punishments is too permissive and sometimes even dangerous, for example running to the road or hitting a sibling on the head. The kids will grow up spoiled, too demanding, unable to function in the world. Seriously, have you been in a room with a kid for more than a few hours? Without punishments, kids do whatever they want, and no amount of conversations will change that. Watch Supernanny.
Love this! I’m not a mother but I love learning about this and putting things like this into practice to parent my inner child now so that I can be a regulated mother one day.
If your toddler is hitting because of power struggle and not because of emotional dysregulation, would you send them in time-out? I'm asking because in the few videos I've watched from you, you talk about helping them regulate their emotions, but you don't talk about punishing general misbehavior.
Punishment, no. Discipline, yes. And there is a difference which makes a big impact! You absolutely can set boundaries around unsafe and unkind behavior. A power struggle generally stems from emotional dysregulation or another need not being met. (Even if it's just frustration at being told "no" - they don't know how to handle that frustration.) Always always it's about getting to what's UNDERNEATH the behavior if you want to solve the issue long term. I hope that helps!!
What if it isn't? What if everyone around finds it, like a sudden rainstorm, somewhat annoying, but just part of living in the world? And certainly not an event that anyone should be embarrassed about? Weather happens. Children exist, and make noise. Often that noise is a pleasure to hear... sometimes not. And that's not a failing on the part of parents. And 99% of people know that, and the ones that don't... they're the ones who ought to feel embarrassed, not you.
It totally can feel embarrassing! And I've found that most of that comes from the thoughts / beliefs you have about it. Especially depending on how you grew up. If your subconscious believes tantrum = you can't control your kid = you're a bad mom... it's easy to feel uncomfortable! I think one of the most powerful things is to dig into why you feel that way and if it's really true ❤️
Not only do your videos help answer questions and worries I have about my future kids while I'm in the process of trying to get pregnant with my partner... it's actually kind of helping me to parent myself?
No need for "please". As a parent, you shouldn't sound like youre asking them a favor, you should sound like youre telling them what they are supposed to do.
Wow YES. Brilliant analogy. You wouldn't turn up to a marathon without training, so why would you turn up to parenting toddlers without having trained yourself to be calm? Ain't gonna happen without practice. YES! Such a crucial life changing idea! I wish this video would go viral :)
I think most people associate the feeling of anger with frustration of not being able to express what is actually wrong. Especially ongoing feelings. But there's a time that it's good to be angry. You hit your sibling, that's not ok, I'm actually mad at you. You ignored me when i told you something, I'm mad at you. It's setting an expectation that their authority deserves to be respected
Totally. Anger is really healthy and can be so helpful! Especially when we know what to do with it, how to look at the emotions UNDERneath the anger & how to use it in a healthy way.
4 is extremely old to not have impulse control. And to throw a tantrum. Why are people living this way? Why do parents no longer have authority over their kids? This advice seems more like you're manipulating the kids than teaching them to think
The part of the brain responsible for impulse control largely starts to develop between 5-7yo. So it's a learning process until that age. It can be TAUGHT and modeled younger definitely! But expecting them to be GOOD at it, is unreasonable in my opinion.
Great for free time attitude, unless you said you don't want them to get wet. A parent should feel confident in telling their kids to do or not to do anything, fully expecting the kids will listen. But yeah if you don't impose rules the kids will never break them... But then they don't have decision making life skills and your doing endless loads of laundry, so there's that problem.
Now, after I've observed how I'm feeling, can you tell me what to do with my feelings? Because I don't know what to do with my anger/frustration even if I notice it 😢
Yes you are so right. I was a screaming momma so I decided to use the counting technique when I was triggered. My young children in the back seat started fighting with each other in heavy traffic and I started counting out loud. I counted that to 50 and by the end my children were dead silent and my oldest said "thank you momma for not screaming"! That was award enough for me to quit screaming!!
Yesterday I caught myself in meltdown mode. I forced myself to stop, walk out of the room, take a moment to recollect myself and went back in calm. I apologized my little one for how I acted (though looking back I wish I had clarified to him that it wasn't anything to do with him) and we went back to what we were doing. It's something we all have to practice but once we can acknowledge it in the moment, it becomes better.
@keylasharp8281 but what she's saying is something may often cause this behaviour, unfortunately this is how a small kid may react to something bad for him or her and in this it's easy to imagine a parent ignoring that something is hurting his or her kid, discipline doesn't apply at all if you ignore something hurting your kid is causing this. While I think Mrs Cassie is bit too soft here she's trying to be delicate to small kid because she knows something is causing this. It's really easy to imagine yet again situations where discipline doesn't apply, it's solving the problem that applies, otherwise both of these at once - "come. What happened? What is wrong?" into nudging the kid delicately to get to know what started this. And then once something is done about it adding "I don't want you to do that (bad behavior, like hitting a sister)" or even be a normal parent / family member and say "please come to me and tell me things like this, we'll always do something about it" and if there's something (bit) too serious even doing it all in a reverse order but there's still a cause to fix. There's kids being small bitches and then you realize there's often still existing underlaying problem behind it, like I know why my nephew didn't care, really didn't care to grab his toys back to a box after a day, it literally was "do it instead of me" easily with spiteful facial expression and wiggling around not to do it but I really do know how bad was the parenting and really there wasn't enough attention to him by multiple people which caused him to act like this. I remember grabbing more than half of Lego instead of him and having to use this fact to guilt trip him so he starts to help at all but grabbing most of those toys but actually together with him really was the right thing to do while there should have been still way more time spent with him. Unfortunately this is real life example how bad parenting and not caring for a kid, pretty much, thankfully temporarily in the end, pretty much mentally scarred and twisted a few year old kid. He could be impossible but reasons behind it were actually stronger than the effect in his behaviour. Really not an example where some people would think only about discipline and nothing else really anyway. So you have kids? Your stuff still doesn't apply everywhere possible. And I don't want to be adding example of pretty much my own kid, even if a nephew, shows that. If I have to add this sentence then you really are retarded, please pack yourself with en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrauterine_device or do something about your balls otherwise so you don't have more kids. Come on they're annoying, you sure you wanna have even more?
It's so tough with toddlers. They don't understand what they're doing and why they're being told what to do. Yelling at them is not ok. It scares and confuses them. Their so innocent and gave alot to learn and a lot of love from Mom and Dad to do so. 😊👍🏾❤️ My babies were so sweet and bever acted up. They were weird.😊 A true blessing. Vut even if they had acted up I would never have yelled at them. I would gently talk to them and explain what they did wrong and why it was bad. Hugs and kisses and using rewards for good behavior and love no matter what. Thank you for your video advice young lady. 😊👍🏾❤️
Let a kid THROW SOMETHING AT ME... my kids would've been spanked IMMEDIATELY. No yelling, no shaming, no anger, no threats... AN IMMEDIATE SWAT TO THE BUTT because HONORING YOUR PARENTS IS THE FIRST COMMANDMENT IN THE BIBLE, WITH A PROMISE... and then I would have proceeded with the rest of what you did for sure. But I guarantee that kid WILL throw something at you again while any of my SIX KIDS NEVER CROSSED THAT LINE AFTER THEIR FIRST MISTEP. In fact, the younger ones NEVER crossed those kind of lines EVER because they saw their older siblings get DISCIPLINED WITH A SPANK. And you can disagree with me all you want... but my SIX kids are ages 16, 17, 19, 20, 22, and 25 and are all HEALTHY, RESPECTFUL, PRODUCTIVE, HUMAN BEINGS, whom I have INCREDIBLE relationships with, as the result of my parenting. I was a very relaxed parent and THE ONLY area I was hard in, was honoring your parents. Outright disrespect or defiance was ALWAYS met with a swift and HARSH response. Sorry... but I DON'T AGREE with this.
My toddler would reach a level of tantrum to where communication was impossible. Being hit and kicked and screamed at was triggering for me and I cannot be calm when being physically abused. I have feelings, too. Those are the only times that I would put her in a room by herself until she calmed down. And later, when another mom advised me, I learned to use the post-tantrum calm down time to discuss the incident with my daughter; often she would surprise me by explaining what was going through her mind. Usually she had a very valid reason for being upset but wasn't able to communicate it. I'd give her options for how to handle it the next time (which she often used!!), I'd apologize if I'd done anything wrong, and I'd let her know what parts of her behavior weren't okay. Basically... while "sit there and think about what you did" might not work, I still need to put a violent child somewhere else so I'm not getting hurt and have a chance to calm MYSELF down so I can be a calm parent.
Time outs are literally just removing your kid from the situation and letting them have time to themselves to calm down. Don't see anything wrong with that...you can even offer to sit with them for a while if they want that, but technically still a time out. 🤷♀️
@@MelissaDiVarano These young kids cannot regulate themselves, they need help to handle their emotions. Time out sounds like a shut down of their emotions and doesn't Help them to Express them and why they feel this way and give them options to express them without getting anybody in danger
You're one of those examples who keep my faith in women, thank you. And Jesus when you have to explain to a person to be with their kid and still further explain to a retard spend time with the kid, do stuff together, you know you know bond with your kid and and and YOU KNOW, OHHHHH MY GOD meet the child's basic needs probably. And probably still be happy law doesn't allow them to sue you for saying this BUT in the meanwhile...... media report new syndrome..... it's the child smartphone addiction SYNDROME, ladies and gentlemen a child will click a button TO ESCAPE FROM SOMETHING BAD ON THE INTERNET! Person we interviewed tells us the children don't want to properly endure shit nowadays, in these times they just Click A Button. Pretty much a news that happened in my country. Actually because when child has only a phone and absolutely nothing else, it's still a child's fault, it even bought the phone itself and even earned money by itself for that shit. Meanwhile my GFs son never was given a phone, plays chess since like being 2 years old if not even earlier because not giving a phone and doing something for the kid properly is that simple and chess is that much doable, there's even colourful Uno cards so a retard can touch a card and not be offended because somehow he sniffed poker. Wait what?! There's DIFFERENT CARD GAAAAMEES??? I have a question for you though if I may ask: so caring for the child, checking on the child before it starts to cry I'd say, some people don't even feed a child because very weird doctors told them something and the idiots believe. But if a child is few months old only what to do about a tantrum? I really mean a few months old one. When a person cares for a child properly my unfortunately dark sounding question is: is it allowed and viable to wait through the tantrum to pass and then help the child to stop crying? Or is it simply too dangerous for a child, isn't allowed as something to do and other stuff must be applied here? I honestly can't stop thinking - if I care for the little motherfucker, really listen to experts like other moms about everything child related, do what you say on the video without the need to persuade me into it because this is what I wanna do anyway, spend time together and more at the same time, please don't misunderstand me for an obsessive possesive psychopath like cops or military men sometimes but can a child being few months old already learn and start developing and reinforcing bad habits and bad character traits? I really don't mean to mentally scar my one day few months old child and in that case I would go for different methods :edit: YES, instead of it retarded people, and deal with it somehow because there just simply is something that already works and very obviously not mistake a cry of pain, hunger, too high / too low temperature or full pampers with a tantrum, seriously fucking no. But then please what can you say about tantrums and also how to be sure it's a tantrum and not something else? This idea in my question btw came from being treated like this as a few year old once. My sister was allowed to blow candles on my cake I think even as 1st but during her bday I wasn't allowed which really made me angry while they ignored me. It wasn't appropriate to the reason for me so it wouldn't be a reason for me as well but I really remember I completely stopped showing such anger for good and it only took leaving me in my room just once with light lit and door open until my anger passed on it's own. So when I know I'll care for my own but she/he at some age turns to an asshole going overboard about it, I know this is exactly what I'd do. Problem is if this can be used with not few year old but a few months old, because it's tantrum and not pain and I really don't want bad traits to start to gather because small kid even though this age knows she/he can allow itself a fit which easily could lead to doing so repeatedly again and again and again (you know retarded people, when you leave a store or shopping mall yet again and it's not because the child is in pain while other people still may call cops on you even though you don't do anything and only try to properly calm down the little fucker, some people even report being black while their kids are white. Do youuu realiZe it's because the mother is white?) and God forbid is rewarded for it by someone, especially someone soft, already at such an early age. There's being angry at a parent for various completely normal and valid reasons when I'd want my kid to simply shout at me and thankfully I don't want to be someone who'd deserve to be knife stabbed by his own few year old, completely deserving it, do I really need to add words "no I don't want that" because of certain people? And certain retards will only say "just allow it and let it play with some dolls after it" into "I'm hiding from my kids to eat candy but they still react to candy rustle and they make me angry by doing so (actual whine I saw on the internet)" and then into "are you proud of yourself, child?" over absolutely nothing, which is different YOU KNOW from nurturing, building, developing a healthy self esteem in a child. Please help and thank you for what you're doing!
I learned from my neighbors' boys that time outs do work. Kids don't need to be sheltered from every type of bad emotion, sure he's going to be mad after being told off but he does learn to play more kindly. Kids aren't that stupid, after they've calmed down they're very much able to realize why it's bad.
