TW: venting, mentions of sh, eating disorders and suicide attempt the first time I considered suicide was when I was 9, I tried to kill myself with like 40 pills when I was 10, even after that my parents didn't take me to the hospital so because of said attempt, anytime I would try to eat something or even drink water I threw up immediately which made me lose hella weight (I was a healthy weight and became underweight) and people started saying I looked so much better and all that shit that can mess up the head of a 10 year old that is already messed up, so once I got better (because my parents had finally taken me to the hospital) and I stopped losing weight, I got so anxious thinking that I was gonna look worse or whatever and developed bulimia when I was 11, and sh at 12, I'm 13 now and I don't sh anymore but I still suffer from depression and bulimia, sometimes I feel like I'm glad that it didn't work when I tried to kill myself but other times I just wish it did or I catch myself wondering if maybe it'll work if I try again or whatever, I'm just so scared of having to live a life that I hate forever
I live in hope that someday everything get better. But after one trauma after another... Idk if I will be able to hold on for long. But I am not brave enough to take this step. I dont think many people will miss me if I was gone. If I was braver, I would have left long time ago.
All of those things listed as pleasures in this are things that I envy people being able to find delight in. All the life joys seem to pop out of existence. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to find joy in them.
I feel like it daily. 54..grinding 60 hrs a week...yet still barely above broke..can never retire....no fun..no hobbies..can't go or do anything fun..sexless marriage like roommates...f-ing horrible to be on the endless treadmill.
What stopped me from doing it years ago was that I didn't want to bring shame to my family. We're Catholics, and they wouldn't have been able to say mass in church for my soul nor would they have been able to bury me in the cemetery owned by the church. Many ideations and one attempt later, I'm still working on the part where I think of a reason that stems from myself also and not only my loved ones.
The line about the brother and unicorns hit hard. Ideation has been hitting me harder than usual but it got me thinking what would they say to my baby cousins when I'm gone? I wouldn't know where to start. I don't want to leave them like that. I just started crying. I think I'm going to be okay now.
I sometimes remember when i was about 14 in grade 8 about to jump from the top of a stairway, i was just behind the railing, i imagined me falling and cracking my head open and how the fall would probably kill me if i really tried, i could end it, I started crying, sobbing profusely and my face felt so strange, it hadn't ugly cried like that in such a long time it had me kind of shocked while crying, so instead I stumbled back and fell into a corner to cry it off, eventually some teacher noticed my crying and helped me up but now about more than a year later I kind of think that I should have been dead, i imagine myself as sort of a dead man walking or boy if you will lmao. I sometimes think about how maybe it would have been better for me to have died there, at that stair way, I wouldnt have done so much more horrible things to others and myself if i did kill myself that day. I really dont feel like i should be even alive, Self improvement is nice and all, as well as being able to know and atone for the terrible things I've done but sometimes think it would have been better if I didnt have to experience more, go through more, and hurt more and hurt more people that didnt deserve it at all . But on a dumber note I srsly just think "I shouldnt even be alive right now"
as someone who tried to commit a few times, this really hit deep. i kept on telling myself everything will be okay, i kept on getting reasons to stay but the more i got the worse it went. i tried to commit, so thankful it didn't work. Seeing my dogs, my mum, dad, siblings hurting because i tried to end it all, made me realize it isn't worth it. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
This video felt like a sign given that I’m reverting back to my usual suicidal ideation again. A friend of mine had a crisis and I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I was there that I forgot to put my sister’s comforter in the wash. I had to be honest with her via text when she said she had something for me for doing her laundry and said that because of my friend’s situation I forgot, and she just got fucking furious with me like always and it was the same cycle of having to mentally prepare myself to deal with her. She came home soon after and she just looked through the garage entrance at the comforter I was trying to ask her about in order to make up for lost time and now I’ve just locked myself into the bathroom like. I don’t even know. I’m just so angry I want to end it all.
Jesus, in your darkest valley, you experienced emotional anguish and wept tears of blood. I know you understand my pain and that you promise “life abundant” (John 10:10). But the one who comes to “steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10) taunts me with the untruth that this is all there is to life. I cry out to you, “I do believe; help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).
I just found this and I'm glad I did. This saved my life today. I've been spiraling lately with no hope but this made me feel emotions once again. For only a second, but that was enough. Ty
Every line made me feel something I can't describe, Every observation made me discover something I didn't know I always loved! Teach me how to write this well! Please! 🥺
this videocame in my feed 3 years back when i was so hopeless in my life i had became so depressed that i couldnt even make myself cry i basically stopped feeling anything i had became suicidal but then i saw this poem and finally , finally i cried and i still can say it was the most that i could feel i realised i have to live for my mother for my sister and then to distract myself i started finding purpose of my life i still couldnt fing it but now seeing i have come way too far i have got many things if only inhad stopped living that time would i find so many beautiful things i found a new me a better me found best friends.., and i slowly finding my life ...
whenever I feel suicidal I come here and listen to this and tell myself "you're gonna be free but you're gonna leave everyone hurt" and I just cry I don't know how to stop
My mother told me, even if you think you want to end your life at this moment, it's your "responsibility" to live, not for yourself, but for others - your parents, your siblings, your family, your friends - n think what will they go through after you.. then I had thought 'why will anyone be selfless n worry abt others when their own life is so miserable that they want to end it?'.. Now that I have grown up, I have understood, this "responsibility" towards others, slowly n gradually turns to responsibility towards Yourself - a distraction, if you will, and a realization that a moment's thought could have cost you this much..
so glad to see you back 😄 i know you do mostly your own poems now but would you consider doing may sarton's poems? i would love to see them in your style of content and soothing music + narration + beautiful clips
The only thing that is keeping me alive is my family. I cannot let my family be sad. I don't want my mother or father or sister or cousin or anyone in my family to find my dead body lying on the floor or hanging by the living room ( I attempted) It is a hard battle for me...for all of us to go through. I accepted it as it is a part of life to feel this way. Not feeling happy at all. Feeling you're in this prison that you can not escape or feel like you're in a tunnel with the light is barely visible. I hope things would go better to you reader if you are reading this. What my friend told me before he died to suicide. "Life can be any type of gift, it can be bad or good but remember that you only got one and it is your choice to make it better or not." He killed himself after his child and wife died. I tried desperately to save him but could not. I lost my job and home so I am living with a friend now who is taking drugs. My father is in the hospital and mother is in California. But I do know that something or someone is out there to help me. It all in God's hands now as I put my life in him. Thank you for reading this.
I tried to kill myself last summer. Not once, not twice but thrice. I was so fed up with life (i still am), but i have responsibilities and people who care about me. I told my dad about what i tried to do and now he just uses my own words against me in my lowest times. I TRUSTED HIM~
