I used to be the anxious one, was pretty bad btw, now with a different partner even tho we both have been the anxious one in previous relationships I feel slightly more avoidant like you said in the video but it's still great, I'm the slitghly avoidant I wished I had before
hahah omg yes!! this is SO true & it's so hilarious that you're posting this right now because I've literally been in this exact situation where I for the first time ( over the last few months ) been seeing someone who is more on the anxious side of the spectrum ( but WAY more anxiously attached than I am, as I've become pretty secure ) & I've totally become SUCH an avoidant in this connection 🤣🤣🤣 I'm realising that I really do not think this situation is going to work out at all & yeah absolutely, I just do not really feel super attracted to him ( but ESPECIALLY because he keeps disrespecting my need for space & messaging me when I've said that I need space... talk about karma from a past toxic version of myself! ) *ick* 😅
You're such a breath of fresh air, Stephanie! I love how methodical and rational you are about such a sensitive and 'not' rational topic. It really helps to get out of one's head. Your lawyer-ly training shows!
So if my needs aren’t being met, reflecting if my need requests are reasonable, and discussing my needs but still being dismissed, I’m just better off bailing rather than trying to get them to understand me?
Not exactly - more that obsessing over some variation of “Is it my fault or theirs?” in a very binary, dualistic way tends to distort the reality of what’s happening in our relationship. We absolutely can and should reflect on our needs and relationship dynamics, but from a place of nuance, compassion (for self and other) and self-responsibility.
You described my ex perfectly. He blamed him not being happy on me and my flaws and thought if I change x,y and z then the relationship would be all good. He also was an avoidant so avoided any issues he had. And expected me and his friends to be mind readers. Then he would just fade out of them. And he blind sided me with our break up.
True vulnerability, consistent communication, understanding you're going to have differernces of opinion and having space for that, not keeping a secret tally board, balance offerings, don't go overboard.
I had the same thought when I was editing afterwards, that I probably could’ve chosen my words better there or used a different example. Definitely wasn’t meaning a temper in the sense of big angry outbursts so much as occasional moodiness/grumpiness/irritability (which tends to be challenging for anxiously attached folks). But as I said, agree I could’ve chosen my words better!
10:45 I think you forgot to speak about how conflict management can and must be learnt in a healthy relationship. As you mentioned most of us had previous relationships that failed most of them because of unadaptative strategies that we all can have and is a must to take the responsability to work on that safety. In my case we started so good, we both shared emotional intimacy like never before for both cases. And we believed we could deal with the problems. The thing is, as the relationship evolved and more complex things entered to it, internal and external, I had very clear I had to work things on myself, but I think my expartner believed everything had to be 'organic' in the sense that he didnt have to put any effort into learning the way to each other at hard times. And as this happened like this, the relationship became toxic after some time because I was the one revising myself all the time, carrying the weight of repairing everything and he tried to fix things with 'I am sorry. I love you' which I aprecciated but after time became not sufficient to solve things, because sometimes he was not being aware of what he was sorry about, and even invalidating me or calling me conflict creator or too sensitive. I put all the blame on me because my childhood wasnt easy and Ive been working on myself for a while (still I am) but he was not taking accountability because his was happy and 'he didnt have any trauma' so also I ended up believing that I was the problem. I feel so sorry this turned out to be like this. He finally recognized in several occasions that he also needed to work on things about himself he wasnt even conscious before, but I believe he got scared about all the work of looking inside that he chose to run because "things should be easier". Allright, okay. Maybe in some ideal world, in a more superfitial level, or if people know each other real soon in their love life (which still I think it has its work), but him being on his 30s and me 25 after some deceptions with previous partners, I believed we must unlearned some things in order to keep loving each other right and learn the right way to the other. I do believe it needs to be worked, specially if one person can not comprehend how much actions can affect on the other. At the end of the day all I wanted was to be seen and that my pain was significant to him. I couldnt see the commitmment he expressed me with words being materialised with actions, and its harsh when you spoke about each other as the love of your life, and had a lot of plans together to watch it all disappear. I am sorry for my long comment and my english cause its not my mother tongue also. It has happened not even 2 months from this and I still have a lot to heal and I still deeply love him.
How am I just now finding out about you? This came at a perfect time. I’m 26 and have been in a slew of relationships. Many were long term - many were unhealthy. I finally have a partner who is pure and so good, and i find it hard to manage. I’ve never been the jealous type until now. I’ve never been so afraid to lose someone until now. I feel like you’re right about vulnerability being less of a hide out and more of a place to explore, although terrifying. It brings a level of imposter syndrome when I push myself to admit of any insecurity feelings. Like the whole “he knows too much” aspect. I’m really working on it as i want to keep him for as long as humanly possible. Thank you for this reminder.
well done - all painfully accurate. If I might pile on with a little more of my avoidant experience of these: 1. The argument about getting all the details of my plans also felt like my competence was being challenged. My feeling was, I don't need my partner to double-check everything - please just trust that I've got this. 2. Not proud of how many times I have done the abrupt exit, but it often felt like my anxious partner would never end the disagreement. She said her piece and I said mine, and maybe we didn't agree. If the discussion isn't moving forward it should end. But she would just keep going and going and try to wear me down. 3. Yeah, words of affirmation were a blind spot, because it felt like repeating myself. I've said I love you, I've asked you to marry me, so I think my position is clear, right? I also stank at romantic gestures; I'm just too practical a person. I can be kind, helpful, considerate, supportive - but I can't randomly do something that doesn't have a purpose.
such a good description of my first marriage. I'm a DA but with high sex drive, and physical affection was a big part of what held that relationship together with an anxious wife. At times I worried she was being manipulative, but this video is a better more positive description of what was probably happening. Now I have a more secure partner and a relationship that's 100x better, but her sexual interest has waned over the years. I secretly find myself missing anxious sex even if I disliked anxious relationships. It all feels a bit cursed, really.
Also, I’m interested in putting my name down for the retreat. I’m in Sydney so Byron Bay is perfect if the timing works out. I don’t see any links in your description?
Bottom line here, is that avoidants need healing not to hurt people and anxious attachment needs help not allowing those unhealed people to unload their emotional garbage on them. Someone trying to reason with a person with a pathology doesn't make them anxious, but any human becomes sick when they're exposed to a pathology for long enough.
I don't see anxious attachment nor avoidant attachment as a pathology. They're sets of learned strategies to create safety for oneself in a relational context based on our imprinting around relationships.
The biggest sign of a healthy relationship for me, was I didn't need to have a secret stash of toiletries hidden under my bed anymore, and I was allowed to have access to my own bank accounts
from the avoidant side, maybe the trickiest thing I noticed was having to initiate closeness sometimes. if you've been with anxious partners for years, you get used to always trying to create space and being the one who says NO to things. when a more secure partner gives you the space you want, YOU sometimes have to be the one who asks for time together. It can feel weird, if you've built up a resentment toward neediness over the years, to be like "wait am *I* the needy one in this moment?"
Very intelligent insight. I can vouch from professional and personal experience aswell. The tragedy about it is, both people are after the same thing, one a little too much, one too little. I've been in this relationship dynamic twice myself, being the anxious one, I'm secure now after working on it for a few years. Being quite analytical myself, it's the biggest torture to see how badly the avoidant craves that connection but them running away from it each time again.
Wow, I wish I had seen this video a lot sooner. I recently ended a relationship because I hadn't felt wanted for months. Your description of the relationship dynamic between 4:17 and 7:34 sounded exactly like what we both went through. I'm recently learning about my anxious attachment style. I don't ever want to cause someone else pain because of my anxiety. I feel guilty that I was so absorbed in my anxious feelings of inadequacy. How can I change to have a more secure attachment style while also maintaining the sexual relationship? Is it even possible?
What does an anxious partner need to do if their avoidant partner is the avoidance stage and not initiating intimacy. It seems like bringing it up to them doesn’t work and leads to them avoiding more. And how do we(the anxious) stop the feeling that something’s wrong with us bc of this?
It can be really challenging! I think as always it's about finding the balance between voicing the need and having the conversation, but doing so in a way that isn't blaming, accusatory or shaming as that will 100% lead to further withdrawal, avoidance and defensiveness. Keeping it light rather than making sex a really heavy topic is also a good idea. As far as not feeling like something's wrong with you - perhaps take comfort in the fact that this cycle is almost universal in anxious-avoidant dynamics. So if there's something wrong with you there's also something wrong with every other anxiously attached person (me included)!
Ahh, so beautiful voice of the host ❤ thank you for the great interview. I've grew up in a very conflict oriented household, where screaming was the number 1 way of speaking your mind. It messed me a lot, I didn't feel safe. I also have so much lack of emotional support till today, I count on my friends for that even though my parents are still alive and in my life. I've been anxious attachment style in my previous long-term relationships, but I started to explore psychology 5 years ago and I've done so much work on myself, that I can say I'm pretty secure now in my current relationship. My boyfriend has grew up in a calm household without conflicts and he wants to keep the peace at all costs, but I know we gotta communicate the problems and not push them aside. So I'm trying now to be very patient and calm in my conflicts, I'm learning and practicing emotional self-regulation and it is a long process but it definitely works wonders ❤
It's easier to empathize from the secure side.. but the longer one tries to accommodate the avoidants' behavior, the more it can manifest the securely attached become anxious.. unfortunately, by the time someone get to these videos, they are opperating in anxious and fearful
There’s a distinction between having compassion and tolerating behaviour that doesn’t work for you - unfortunately, a lot of people think that empathy or compassion means giving someone a free pass to behave however they want. Compassion can and should coexist alongside healthy boundaries if you want balanced relationships.
@stephanierigg and the moment those boundaries are enacted with a DA. The relationship/marriage is over. No discussion from the DA just finished, ghosted, discarded, and abandoned. From the outside looking in, we can have these wonderful theoretical discussions and learn to appreciate a DAs very nuanced perspective. However you want to slice this tomatoe it still doesn't change the chaos of: Separation, pets, divorce, children, living accommodation (homeless). Belongings and division of assets. Not to mention the mental anguish and psychological impacts that some, can go on for years. How's that for nuance? The whole time, the DA has monkey branched to a new person and brought them into a home you built n paid for and in your bed. I really get and understand why partners of DAs don't have a lot of empathy for them and do strongly advocate for not getting with DAs. I see both sides, but I also understand the sheer chaos that a DA causes all the whilst being unreflective and unrepentant as to the destruction they cause due to their attachment style (lack of).
longtime podcast listener and new youtube subscriber here! a huge thank you for all of the energy you put into your work. i have shared your podcast with tons of my friends and they all love it. every time i am feeling off or anxious, i reach for your episodes. and tonight i need to have a tough conversation with my situationship partner - this video was perfect preparation to help me go in level-headed (and say less!). i hope to do one of your courses soon, i'm signed up for the waitlist. THANK YOU!!!
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. Please comment and share your own favourite quote (or series of quotes), and what makes them so impactful to your life 🤍
Wow. Thank you. This gives me the confirmation I needed to know I left my relationship for the right reasons. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm not growing good boundaries, but I have noticed I do have better boundaries than I thought. Progress, not perfection. Great video!
I have almost listened to every one of your episodes on Spotify. That's a lot of listening. We all have healing to do, and it's so good to understand yourself and then try to improve. Understsnding and effective communication rock. Your podcasts have been so good for me, so helpful. Thank you so much.
This was very eye opening. I have always known that I struggled with receiving , because I feel like i am not worthy of any help, love, and even pleasure.
These are so specific to what I have got going on right now.. do you have a live stream on my relationship? Haha crazy, thanks for the video really helps!
