10 Qualities Fearful Avoidants Find Attractive | Relationship Advice & Fearful Avoidant Attachment 

you're so kind Magda, we really apprecaite having you in the school :) -PDS team member

Accurate for me

I like the way you expanded on this - I feel similarly!

Same! I feel so seen rn ngl

Omg yes

Great to hear! Thank you for ahsring and we're happy you're growing and healing with us :) -PDS team member

Can you explain about the “wounded bird” part?

That's interesting observation. Somehow they manage to make secure proplr insecure. That is problematic indeed.

A lot of FAs expect though others to cater their ego, which is very unattractive 😅

@@AnthonyTimmers-rz6il sounds like a you problem

@@AnthonyTimmers-rz6il honestly if I was in her position I'd bail also. I don't even know you and you've decided to share your intimate story right here on RU-vid for the world to read. I don't care and I don't think anyone else would either

8 months later the good news I SURVIVED..the bad news she was a narcissistic woman..

@@cloudslady3400woahhh … soo sorry

I thought I was the only FA who felt like this (especially after reading the comments).

Maybe encounter several love interests like them has caused us to go straight to flight/protection mode. I used to admire them so much and put them on a pedestal, now i’m just thinking that a relationship with a person like that is going to cause intens anxiety and zero support.

Good for you! This is a recovery goal haha

Start by learning to say no to people and learning to not feel guilty about it. Thats a good place to start asserting boundaries.

Yeah, well try Anxious avoidant and see how that works! 😂

Im an FA and my dad is a narc. Do you think she has a narc parent and this may be her comfort zone? I could be totally off :)

@@suras8984 I don't know her family well enough to judge myself but based on what she has told me she comes from a chaotic family. There's been sibling abuse (including being threatened with a knife by her brother!), mental health issues, enmeshment, parentification.. Come to think of it, she once told me that if she hadn't cooked for her and her siblings or taken care of the house as a child no one else would have done it. Sounds like a similar dynamic to what she has going on with her roommate, minus the physical abuse.

@@meerkattie I think you just explained exactly why she puts up with her roommate!

I'll bring this feedback to Thais and the team. Thanks for your suggestion :) -PDS team member

She has another video about that, it’s not that old either maybe a week or two back. As you’re becoming more secure those traits in your partner become more unattractive, but that doesn’t mean you need to end the relationship. It is on you to communicate what those traits make you feel though and to set up boundaries around them

ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-iJoKuaRIkrs.html

It probably does change. AAs trigger my anxiety and makes me turn into a DA; so in the past I was more attracted to DAs which initially makes me more comfortable in the beginning stages but ultimately turns me into an AA lol. When talking to an AA and I receive these massive blocks of text and pouring their heart out before we even meet it makes me want to run for the hills because it is too soon to trust and I start avoiding and becoming a bit colder to counterbalance. It makes me very uncomfortable to be a DA it makes me feel like a bad person and I do not like being the bad guy I like to bring comfort to people. This is why Im single mostly lolll.

@@suras8984 wow!!!! This is so interesting!!!!! But it makes sense. I am a healed AA lol so I get it. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Wow. That is EXACTLY like me.

@@jessicasun4420 NP I love to this channel because I never knew why I was so normal as a single person and then I would have such emotional inner turmoil with even the beginning stages of dating and it made me think I was crazy. Do you think as a recovered AA that if you dated another insecure attachment style if would regress your progress? I wonder this as I try to heal.

@@suras8984 not as long as I continue to work on myself. If I don’t work on myself I can definitely see myself regressing

i.e. what does it mean when an FA doesn't feel heard? For example earlier on he said he felt like all I did was talk about *my* problems, and since then I haven't made a *single* complaint about my job, family drama, etc, and I also try to focus more on asking *him* questions, and when I feel like we're making progress he shuts down again, won't talk/open up and then I'm left doing all the talking again because I'm trying to stay open, "normal", & vulnerable, and then get accused of either "prying"/being nosy/annoying when asking him questions OR of being self-centered/not caring about what's going on in his life or how *he* feels. The one problem I KNOW i can improve upon in this regard is trying not to get too defensive when he is deactivating, because i do tend to cut him off then, but it's sooo difficult when he is picking apart my shortcomings and then blaming them as the *reason* he pushes me away or says things out of anger.

​@@nat3199 Hello. I feel a bit "triggered" by your post, as I see myself on your actions. I am an FA and I struggle with your described symptoms. To be honest I feel like you are going trough a rough time too, not only him. In my opinion he seems a bit unreasonable with you, especially because you are trying so hard. (This is my opinion as an outsider, I don't want to influence you in any way, I just thought I could express what I wish someone could have point out to me.) The part where he dismissed your ADHD or that you have to not talk about your problems at all but still get called self-centered or blaming you for him pushing you away seem like red flags from me. To me it feels like he should improve too...And you seem to be walking on eggshells, trying not to do anything that upsets him, as you will be blamed and pushed away. And that doesn't seem right. I wanted to also respond to the question of how to make an FA feel heard, but it is a bit difficult as I associate myself with both of you. As an FA sometimes I don't feel like talking and opening up too much, and maybe the questions seem too much and they get annoying, but on the other hand without those questions I may not talk at all. (I am sorry, I really wanted to help, as I see myself in your post, and I really wish someone would have told me these words and insights. Again, what I said is my own opinion and you are free to listen to it or not. I didn't intend to hurt anyone.)

@@nat3199 Have you heard of the channel "How to ADHD"? It might give you some healing validation to watch. There is a video of ADD... After Dark. It's about s*x without talking about it, so basically it's about relationships, and the comments... wow. "Social debt" is a phrase I learned there. And it sounds like your FA is hitting you with that on loan shark level interest rates. How can they acknowledge the work that you are putting in, that you ARE trying, if they don't even acknowledge your neurotype, your ADHD? You are killing yourself for criticism. It's not fair to you. And it's usually especially painful for people with ADHD to be rejected or criticized due to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. (Perhaps another name for the DA core wound 'there is something wrong with me'.) So it starts to enter the spectrum of concerning for the welfare of *your* mind and spirit. Who is talking here? I frolic through the garden of Insecure Coping Strategies, with my ADD. If I am "flooded" mentally, sometimes I cannot remember what someone was stating at the beginning of their sentence. Sometimes I cannot read a menu. Even at a drive-thru. Other times you'd think I got nothing wrong with me. For days or weeks at a time. It's a tricky, invisible disability. Sometimes I go into denial myself. I never want to be that person who blows off poor behavior I have control over with "I have ADD! HAHAHAHAHA!" I'd rather have control. (Be accepted, have harmony.) Which is a symptom, I think, of trying to balance or make up for being out of control... perhaps due to symptoms of my ADD and/or generalized anxiety. How to ADHD gave me validation, enough to start to be kind to myself, maybe even advocate for myself: as someone with ADD. PDS is gives me mad explanations of what is going on inside and around me (whether the ADD is 'active' or not), and even more tools for being kind to myself, advocating for myself: as Shannen, and learning about my own needs & how to fill my own buckets. (I may not be my primary need fulfiller yet, but I am my favorite.) As I have been using the tools from PDS, I feel less anxious, which really, REALLLLLLY reduces the physio-emotional inflammation that makes my ADHD symptoms so much more *disabling*. TL;DR it sounds like you are being treated as a verbal punching bag for someone unwilling to examine or accept the reality of themselves or those around them. "Trauma is anything that restricts the expression of your authentic self." -Dr. Gabor Maté You are in danger of losing yourself to conform to the expectations of someone who does not know what they want or how to get it kindly. Take care of your insides, of yourself, for you; it MAY help with some of your ADHD symptoms, at the very least you will feel better. If your relationship improves because of the patterns you are implementing, it's going to be a thrill. If your partner is not willing to show up for your relationship together, keep showing up for the relationship with yourself and watch yourself blossom, and the bonus is it will help to reprogram your subconscious comfort zone so you can gravitate at your own pace to people who treat you with respect and dignity---even when you forget to follow through on what you said you'd do, are 15+ minutes late, don't do the dishes, and can't reign in the SELF CONTROL (will power is a limited resource in EVERY HUMAN that must be replenished) to be a perfect active listener after a long, hard day of pretending to be neurotypical with everyone else. Maybe you need to vent, too. My TL;DR failed. I empathize with the fear of 'talking too much' and turning people off. You are not alone. You are worthy.

@@ildik9772 omg thank you for your response! You are so sweet for sharing your experience and I find it refreshing to have someone who comes from both perspectives. I think you're right about it, I definitely *am* walking on eggshells with him and it sucks that I feel I have to do so. I don't want to make excuses for him, but he's had an extremely difficult life to say the least (literal childhood abandonment, abuse, and then serving in the military)....I'm definitely an empathetic person and very dedicated to self-improvement and because I also love him so much I try to put my shit aside. But yes, other than asking "prying" questions and not interrupting (😔😩 ugh I struggle so much with that) do you know of any other ways/appropriate scenarios that make you feel heard/validated?

@@shansational1803 omg it's so funny you should mention that!! My mom shared a newspaper article with me about her, and I watched 3 of her episodes. It literally brought me to tears because I have never felt so understood in my life. I'm glad you reminded me of it, I'm sure she has some helpful tips for dealing with the "non-believers" LOL

yesterday's vid :) ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-lEd56iMWWf0.html

For the record, I think Thais' speed of delivery and intonation are perfect. Thank you Thais for the amazing work you are doing and please don't change anything.

@@zaracassid8631 I know I don't want her to change her speed AT ALLLLLLL. If she does consider changing it I hope she puts it to a vote so that we don't have to suffer through a slower speed just for a few people.

Wtf???

I know it's meant well and that parts of the rhetoric are meant a little self-parodyingly, but holy crap what a condescending comment

These comments about how fast she talks are just stupid. Sorry but it’s just stupid. You can adjust the speed on the RU-vid app. I find her speaking pace to be exactly perfect.

Thanks Jay! -PDS team member

define "healthy" if any self-interest is 'ulterior'?

these people are 1 step away from full NPD.