When a random stranger at Walmart tells you, "Sir, there is a hotline for that, you don't have to take that from her", you might be in a toxic relationship
In 14 years of a toxic relationship, I'm still blaming myself after 1 year of break up. I'm learning to heal and to love myself again, but again, I still feel like I'm the villain. I'm the cause of all miaery, but I tell myself I'm still healing.
There is another… when past wrongs of your partner are like the elephant in the room, and because it’s tabu, everything must be “fine”. After some time, you get obsessed instead of forgetting.
Sums up a 6 year relationship I was in with a girl who had strong traits of BPD. Deep down I knew it had to end, and wanted to break up, but just couldn't pull the trigger. A part of me really cared about her and our bond was very strong. One year after another went by... I don't know what I got myself into (first relationship), but 6 years bonding, of intermittent reinforcement, and forming all sorts of memories together, made the inevitable break up extremely hard. It was heartbreaking, and after 1.5 years apart, the day I said goodbye is still burned into my memory. She'll forever remember that time in her life as the worst thing that's ever happened to her, a complete mistake, and me as a monster. I never meant to hurt her... but I just had to do it. I'm not entirely sure why, but I still think of her everyday, while she moved on rather quickly.
My son is in a relationship with a girl who behaves exactly like this. He either can't see it or doesn't care because he 'loves' her so much. I hate seeing him lose himself to be her everything (driver, cook, cleaner, only friend [he's disconnected from all the friends he had before her]). Drama follows her everywhere she goes... but he can't or won't walk away. She can't recognize the pain and/or drama she leaves in her dust. Little if any empathy at all. Is there anything someone could have done or said to make you see what you know now? I hate the idea of him wasting years on a lesson.
Very relatable story! I was in the same boat, a toxic relationship with someone with BPD. It was so difficult to rip off the bandaid and end it, but I finally did. She blocked me on everything and made to me out to be some horrible monster, which couldn't be further from reality. Six months later, I still miss her and think about her every day, but I'm so happy to freed from all the drama and emotional instability.
@@ejays99 Congrats on getting out. Hardest thing I ever had to do. Often good memories of her pop into my head (she had a lot of sweet qualities as well) Still wonder if I made the right decision.
Thank you very much for this... I am an older man who was once married to a woman for 15 years ... 3 kids... then a divorce that devastated me... I bounced from relationship to relationship for 13 years..some 2 years some 2 months... of the many, only one ended unpleasantly... I met a woman while walking my dog 3.5 years ago... she was younger but we clicked... intelligent, attractive, funny, and a therapist... we quickly move in together, she got pregnant, we got married... she is very intelligent, and seemingly kind... but it has grown progressively worse and worse. I have a fairly strong constitution and sense of self, but I have allowed this to degenerate to the point where I do not behave at all like the person I have always known myself to be... I am drained emotionally, and have zero empathy for any of her unreasonable outpouring of sorrow... I have no stressors in my life besides her... i had an awesome life before i met her, and I'm sure i will again. She refuses to give up and keeps alternating between love bombing, and horrible threats and insults.. she essentially refuses to let me divorce her... I don't know what to do. I fear for the mental health of our child if she gets custody. She comes across as put together and is well spoken, but in private she is completely emotionally disregulated and abusive.
Thanks Lise. I was in a horrible toxic relationship with a pwBPD and I had a revelation that I stayed because of the FOG and sex trap. People don’t talk about sex as control and addiction. It’s true
Insults, criticism, contempt and anger - none of these are healthy. No matter how 'sweet' they were in the beginning, the dark, enraged and sullen person is the true one. It's shocking how you can get sucked into such dysfunction, and then how hard it is to get out. You can be very scared to leave as well, suppressed rage and implied violence is very real, but you do have to leave. I found that pretending to appreciate his great emotional support and commitment during a time of great need, how much I valued his 'being there' and helping me through a fictitious medical situation, and how grateful I was for his continued love and support - that since he was not willing to do any of that, he distanced himself from me and eventually left. I made him leave me, because otherwise I was afraid of his anger and violence if I forcefully left him. I wanted him to think it was his decision, that felt safer to me, sadly. I encourage anyone else to use that technique as well, it works.
When you ask your partner, if they would like to take couples therapy to see if there’s a miscommunication and they say they don’t need therapy, just let it go.
My partners therapist got in touch with me and said that her school didn't practice couples therapy in cases of bpd, and would I consent to her being able to visit them without my knowledge. During the relationship she had attended therapy and eventually made a full recovery!
I've ask the same. Is it me, at some point I'm afraid so. When you try to fight back you mirror them. I'm ashamed of myself!! I still lost, there was no win.
sounds exactly like mine, oppression, always wrong, silent treatment , name calling, things behind my back how am i supposed to fix this when they. don’t see the wrong
Lise, thank you again. This is a really helpful reminder. A month after the break up, even knowing what I know now, the oscillation between my old cognitive dissonance and new reality is hard. Love these weekly refreshers!
I drank a beer one hour earlier than promised after a close friend died. The result was screaming and crying telling me I've messed her whole life up ect. Throwing and breaking things. I mean... I was just a loss for words. And whilst she says I'm stonewalling her, when she doesn't even know the meaning of the word. I just don't talk to people that don't listen.
Thanks so much! I was cleaning, changed the sheets, washed the dirty sheets, moved night stands, cleaned all the dust bunnys and wiped down the dust from furniture. Because I couldn't do this the way it would please her she started yelling and telling me how stupid I am. No thanks at all. So what the hell is this bs.
congrats on going over 100k. You'll be at 200k in half the time. thank you, endlessly, for taking the road less traveled and helping we men. and you don't let us off easy, you show up the part we play in choosing to be a victim. May God bless you and yours
8:16 … this is the ultimate litmus test that I self discovered only months ago. I wish I’d seen your channel so much earlier in my journey to understand what was going on. Thank you for your work and focus. It has really helped me understand my situation and myself much better. Given me hope for recovery and motivation to seek counseling to be an even better version of myself again.
My gf put a tracker in my car. Even after she left me to make me jealous she still has a tracker in my car that I can't find. She always knows when I'm home.
The part that mostly resonates with me is the on ebaout feeilng trapped and drained. I honestly know not what to do, lacking the proper tools. My approach has been to meet the challenge head-on. You wanna try and make a fight out of thin air? Bring it on. I'll give you more than you ever bargained for. Being completely intransigent. It may sound bad, but I do try to still keep myself in check and hold myself accountable. If that doesn't work, well I guess there wasn't much there to save in the first place.
I got over 250 messages during one work day, i could get them like a waterfall, while i was trying to read one message,ten more came in, every message was different topic.... Just crazy town
Thank you so much for this video. We met in middle school got pregnant in high school and around 20 years later kids are grown. I am tired. She still brings up things from when I was 16 years old. I try to be a good man. I had terrible parents. I really tried to be the best husband/father I could be. I cook, clean, am the main provider, supported her through getting 2 degrees. She hates all my family and I don’t have many friends. We have different personalities but she has always tried to change me. I accepted her as she was pros & cons. I am tired and literally just want to be alone at this point. At least I would have peace. I felt guilt because I wanted to leave and felt like I was abandoning my family. But my kids are big now and they know me by now. Your video really help me see many if not most of these issues we have had. They don’t go away typically. They get worse.
I am now aware that I have been a toxic partner because I have been Clingy,needy and desperate towards my boyfriend.He has left me and I do understand him.No one needs someone who doesn't give them space.I am learning about myself and working nore on myself now to be a healthy partner to someonw one Day.
Left a 5 year relationship 3 weeks ago. I can nearly check all these boxes - 9 out of 10. Thank you. This vid helped me confirm leaving was right for me.
Another perspective (I know she made a disclaimer already): Almost everyone is in a toxic relationship, because most people have all these toxic traits, because our parents did too and we’re trying to heal from it. The key is trying to figure out whether the behavior is coming from trauma (it usually always is) and whether there’s a willingness to work on it.
I never knew about love bombing or mirroring til my last covert narc gf..I thought she just really liked me..she flattered and complemented me constantly (it was kinda cringey at times) and i never knew a woman with such i high sex drive..last July we broke up tho,we had spent a really nice weekend at the beech..that Monday she asked me to come see her but I was working..I couldn't keep up the attention she wanted unless I stopped doing stuff for myself so we broke up...by the fallowing weekend she was already in a new relationship! :( she posted endless pics of her kissing him then on fb..and married him after only 4 months!?..like wtf!?.who gets married so fast?..and as for me well I still haven't got back to myself because of rumination and now its nearly march 2023..ive spoken to my friends about this and they havebt a clue what im going on about...but lise your videos are without doubt the best understanding ive got on you tube.. kind regards from Mark in dublin Ireland 🇮🇪
I feel you bud. I was naive and went through something very similar, and figured I was the one who was the piece of crap. Here to chat if you want to talk to a stranger on the internet. Lol.
@@CFChristian cheers man..I was nieve myself but at the same time I knew noting about this..I'm gonna try get back to my excerise routine cause I was vert fit n healthy until that relationship..cheers for the reply!
I was in this same relationship and got engaged to this same type of woman in 4 months. Gave and gave and gave and once I started to set boundaries and hold her accountable the ugly dark rage came out. All of the mask fell off and she discarded me shortly after. Changed her social media like nothing happened and went on with her life. These type of ppl def have mental issues I believe they are suffering from so many demons. Once you figure them out they have to run to new supply to cover their insecurities.
Most of everything you’re saying lines up with my current situation, but I still want to try to fix it. I hope that’s possible and I’m open to all possible ideas, and I appreciate anyone who takes time to read and respond
I have gone back and forth on if my relationship ia toxic. When i have told others key things that happened they tell me to run, but me on the inside is totally confused because she says and does nice things and sometimes i think i am not good enough. I am no confused.
Appreciate your work and content. Thank you for raising awareness. Love the short sharp videos that psychoeducate and provide me with tools to aid my healing. I look forward to receiving your content in my inbox. So grateful to and for you 🙏💫👍 I see and appreciate you. Thank so much
I’ve been married I believe to a absolute case study of one of the best covert narcissists she has fooled so many counselors.I know it take two to tango I have faults it wasn’t until I got therapy that I seen my part in the relationship my thinking has changed but I’m still eager to learn to get more knowledge of right and wrong thinking . I’ve changed she has not changed she everyone buffaloed I’ve helped to make it that way by isolating myself to hide and face the problem, but trying to talk to her is a complete waste of time, I honestly dont remember one time that there was or is a resolution to any thing my question is there a therapist ear Muncie indiana that deal with covert narcissist. Thank you
So what if the narc partner is a professional qualified licenced employed COG theorpist, and when discussing a reply they walk out a text you more narc comms then hours later try and lovebomb and narc stare you to take them back again ?
Hi Miss Lise, I was dating a guy whom at the start of our dating told me he was still in contact with an ex who happened to be his best friend now and was also Friends with benefits with. I let that pass but when it came to a time that he was spending more time with her than with me, I told him that it seems I am less of his priority and since we are still on the dating stage, it would make sense if we spend more time getting to know each other. He said he would adjust and make time for us but it was always me who was initiating dates and meetings, which in turn I told him that it’s unfair that I always initiate and he doesn’t. Later on another female friend appeared to whom I saw he was talking on a daily basis. He said it was just a friend and that she sometimes goes to his apartment. Which made me really furious! It reminded me of my ex who had female friends and turned out one or two of them he fell in love with while I was still in his life. These moments triggered that trauma. I told him about my triggers and I told him to establish boundaries between him and his female friends! I told him to tell his female friends to stop going to his place and him stop from saying yes and as much as possible only message if it’s important or urgent. This has been our topic of fights and makes me feel like I am a very toxic person. We always openly talk about almost everything and we are not walking on eggshells. But to me, I am pushing him to put boundaries which he didn’t recognize before was a necessity. How can we regain our peace in this relationship? Was I being toxic and how can I avoid going on cycles with these kinds of guys and situations?
Alcohol would change someone 180 degrees. We hold on hoping for the best but eventually it’s time to walk away. You’ll never be right and they will Never be wrong.
If you know and like yourself you will compassionately direct a narcissist's dysregulated posterior to the proverbial curb. Then play that Motown and contemplate new vistas. None of the above applies to situations with children involved.
1. You are constantly feeling like you are being manipulated and controlled. 2. You’re an emotional crutch or an emotional punching bag. 3. You feel emotionally unsafe. 4. You are being verbally attacked and regularly subjected to psychological abuse. 5. Apologies may be rare or frequent but ultimately they don’t lead to change. 6. You feel isolated, lonely and you feel like you have to constantly prove your commitment. 7. You find yourself suppressing your true self, your authentic needs, your interests, your values. 8. You are regularly experiencing cycles or patterns of extreme idealization and devaluation. 9. You are constantly dealing with circular problems and conversations. Nothing ever gets resolved. 10. You feel like you are just hanging in there to protect the kids, your finances or reasons other than your desire to be in this relationship.
I know I'm not a Narcissist because after a relationship I realized I was gas lighting myself. After the break up I found myself thinking and feeling in a way I didn't recognize....it was bad. Well, after more time had gone by I don't know if they are a Narc or borderline or whatever but it seems that I was idealized then discarded me. They his more than I realized and I was blamed or something I'm still not sure it was confusing. One day I was the one for them a couple weeks later I was tossed aside and it seemed to me they wanted to know how messed up they hurt me....I still don't really know or I do but my emotional thinking keeps me stuck and addicted. Damn it. Argh. I know I'm posting and going and going but I hate how this affected me so awfully and I still get so confused.
I think I’m kind of a narcissist in relationships. I am self aware but it hurts me knowing I hurt other people. Maybe I shouldn’t date till I fix myself. Anyone has any advice?
lol this is great. “If you don’t know you’re in a toxic relationship , you’re in a toxic relationship.” Is some next level narcissistic chronic victim hood shit.
I appreciate your videos. I have a question about one of your other going into the PHIL techicque. I was PHIL'd. In 9 out of 10 ways you said. It home when you mentioned how I was told I was the Only Person in the World who could Understand and Safe her. Starting conflicts, etc. Not to mention the now spoken about techiques Narcs use such as Future Planning, Bread Crumbing, etc. My Narc Girl did all those, textbook. Watching these videos learning of this has been amazing. Yet my question is??? How and Where do the Narcs Learn these Techinques and the fact so many of them use these same techiques. Like they all took the same class or read the manual. This is high level emotional manipulation that is in many case 7 to 10 steps in the doing. I get how someones could coincidently use 1 or 2 of the same techinques. Yet 7 to 10, in the exact order that they all seem to use seem too much to be coincidental. Any idea how or where they pick up or learn these tactics? Thank you.
When the therapist that your wife talked you in to going to (for both couples and personal) therapy sees a generated list about "5 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship" that your wife text bombed you and says, "wow, this list describes everything that i can see she has been doing to you based on the couples and personal therapies". I went because she (wife) sees the therapist on her own and thinks she is really good. When the therapist said this to me, i felt so validated, but also so sad, depressed, ashamed, because i had let this happen to me for so many years because i so loved my wife (and still do) and hoped that we could finally make things work by going to couples therapy. That my wife would stop berating me, accusing me of doing something that i had not done; sometimes the very things that she had done and then projected on to me. I also noticed that my wife started to threatened to quit going after she felt that the therapist was taking my side during couples therapy. I didn't see it as the therapist taking anyones side. Just trying to help push us into actively listening to each other's feelings, opinions, thoughts, etc. Needless to say, we are seperated now (my wife's idea) and we fo thru periods where we do not talk at all and then my wife will call or text for money or whatever. Then she'll get mad at me because after 38 years, I am finally learning to set boundaries. Then she acts like I am the problem and won't speak to me for several more days, until she wants something again. I feel so lost... The therapist says I need to stick to my boundaries and find things that make me happy. I remember happy times with my wife and long for those times again, even though a part of me knows that will or cannot happen. I feel like a horrible person for setting boundaries, for longing for some true happiness in what little life I have left. Maybe I am a bad person for wanting a sliver of happiness. The list of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 1. You walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner. 2. Your feelings and opinions are rarely validated. 3. Your partner is mistrustful of you for bo reason. 4. You feel like you are unable to discuss problems in the relationship. 5. You feel "stuck" or confused most of the time.
I’ve been with a narcissist we have 4 children she has 1 from a previous relationship who I love and consider mine. Her ex BF was a drug addict that just totally destroyed who she was broke her down to nothen he used sex as a weapon. Fast forward I was used as a rebound the sex was great everything a man would fantasize about everyday. She never got help and I inherited damaged goods. She gives me no attention she feels like she does t have to give me sex she blames me for everything. She uses my kids as spy’s to report to her if I said anything. I have no idea what to do . She knows personal things about me that she will use as weapons. She has kids manipulated to think I’m an abuser. I’m trapped.
Is it possible to keep a toxic person stuck in the 'bombing' stage because attempts 'bounce off' the partner and they're not allowed to get any satisfaction from the 'devaluing' and/or 'discard' stages?
i kinda fantasized about this after her first devalue attempt and finding out what was going on. I had to walk away alot triggering her abandonment fear. She barely could stand a day without craving me back. I was definetely Grade A supply so i definetely felt she was very dependend on me and i had some leverage. My goal actually was to get the good sex out of her as frequently as possible. Because it was probably the only time i really felt connection with her. Eventually i got tired of playing her games. After all control doesnt last long cause she constantly fights for it and its just exhausting. In a sense over time you become the same monster if you want to keep the monster in check. My narc ex gf only respected her father. She feared him. I suspect he is the source of her behaviour, most likely a narc himself. The idea of me taking his spot looked appealing to me. But in fact, what she tried, was to behave with me, like her dad was with her. So you are constantly fighting to stay in the love bombing phase. It worked sometimes better sometimes less. But is it really worth it. I got tired quite quickly in trying
Great video , I would like to say I found the cuts to a snarling tiger quite jarring and distracting from the information being presented. Like I had to reset mentally to listento the information after each cut to the tiger . Maybe that’s just me, anyways great work and very informative, thank you
Love 💣 bombing. Passive aggressive. Circular arguments. A detailed list of all my faults. Yah... I'm glad she's gone
Год назад
as always... everyone in comments are the victims and the good guys. The bad guys are the others. It is so simple. It`s not me, it`s you. Problem solved?
So, i've never experienced a healthy relationship. Does that mean i'm the toxic person? Didn't see that one coming i guess. Yes, i do believe i have a problem and i believe it has to do with me not being able to have healthy boundaries. I've recently been diagnosed with adhd as an adult. Living all my life undiagnosed didn't work very well for my self worth. Only now do i start to see why i seem to attract narcissists, bipolar and people with related issues. Because i've got so you used to getting negative feedback and being the problem i just couldn't have healthy boundaries out of fear of rejection. So no, i never experienced a healthy relationship and also no i'm not a toxic person i think.
I’m in the same boat. You could be co dependent like myself. We tend to attract abusive type personalities due to our inherent low self with, people pleasing, difficulty saying no, and poor boundaries. Luckily you can work to unwire all of that. Goodluck.
Are you saying that if you haven’t had a relationship that was more than 3 yrs then you are the toxic one? It doesn’t seem fair. What if you only had a couple relationships and they were narcissistic? Or what if you just aren’t that desirable? It seems like potentially bad advice when people look to your channel. It’s almost like gaslighting. Just saying. Seems off
Lise, I am a 69 year old dad who raised his two brillian daughters from infancy, to be intelligent, strong, independent women. I explained to them before each of them started Kindergarten that women passed men in attaining college degrees in 1981, and that the pace of increase was accelerating. I respect you Lise, but as a digital artist with 40 years experience it bothers me that you feel the need to put a photograph of yourself looking stressed on each of your videos. Please own the fact you are an incredibly beautiful, and intelligent woman who should not need to cover up an unavoidable fact, just be yourself Lise. Beauty does not by itself indicate stupidity in women, sorry but you do not come across as the dumb bimbo type. You are good enough Lise!
