@@TheBiggestMoronYouKnow Most people with Bipolar Disorder are just people who have a serious mental illness. However, some of them also lack basic empathy for others. My dad's late second wife was an identical twin. Her twin only had bipolar disorder, but my dad's wife also lacked empathy for other people. They spent a fortune trying to get her diagnosis changed, but couldn't because it was correct. You wouldn't believe how she tormented others for her own entertainment and when called on it her defense was always her bipolar disorder. My dad's and her own family gave her sympathy no matter how sick her actions. And while I can't say all of them here because minors access RU-vid, I will include one example: I was almost killed by a habitual drunk driver who left me in a brief coma & broke my back. While my dad's sympathy was limited to saying "it was your fault for being there" in reference to the camping trip I took with my girlfriend and another couple. Some members of the family were sympathetic to me being in a life changing acident, and within six months my dad's wife was rear ended in two minor car accidents and now had "whiplash". The tires on the minivan she drove had major flat spots, as those accidents were no accidents, but rather the result of slamming the brakes repeatedly...
They will lovebomb you to begin with. Nice gifts. Nice dates. Charming. Funny. Affectionate. Compliments. They will tell you that they have strong feelings early on. All of this is fake!! Done to lure you in. They cant love anything or anyone (appart from themselves). I felt there was something off at the start. My gut was screaming at me to leave but i didnt listen. You will see the red flags. But choose to ignore them. When everything goes there way everything is good. But if they’ve had a stressful day at work or something happens to p*** them off they will be moody and misserable. They will play hot and cold. One day they are lovely other days they are cold and distant so you never know where you stand with them. Leaving you feeling confused, hurt and not good enough. Dont ever pull them up on their bad behaviour. If you do they will end the “relationship”. They manipulate and gaslight you into taking their bad behaviour and disrespect. How dare you stand up for yourself! You should bow down to them and be a door mat because they are the best thing since sliced bread and you should be greatful that they chose you! They will blame everything that goes wrong in the relationship on you. They are never to blame. They will never appologize. They will manipulate you into thinking its your fault and you will end up appologizing for your reaction to their bad behaviour. Everything will always be on their terms! You will do whatever they want to do when they want to do it. If its not something they enjoy doing they will not do it. And on the off chance that they will they will be misserable the whole time. They will see you when it suits them. They will never plan things in advance or make future plans. They will never fully commit. If your going through a hard time in life they will never be there to support you. They will avoid everything that involves emotional connection. Dont ever cry in front of them because they will think that your crazy for having feelings. They cant even give to a hug if you were to cry in front of them, they will just look at you blankly. They have no empathy what so ever. They are very selfish and only care about their own needs. Your needs mean nothing to them. They are dead on the inside. No feelings. No emotions. Just an empty soul. They are addicts. They drink too much. They gamble too much. They are stuck in their ways. They will never change. They will lie. They will cheat (mine had been a serial cheater in past relationships and i though that he wouldnt be the same with me. I have no proof that he cheated but from his past its very likely). They will use you. All of this will have a negative effect on your mental health. You will loose so much of yourself with a narcissist. They will drain the life out of you. Save yourself. Love yourself. Leave these toxic human beings. Moreover, I could've gotten hurt from the impact of been cheated on. I'm glad that i got to know ASAP, through Metaspyhub@gmail. com and I appreciate the content you put out for us .
Very good comment. I was (unfortunately) married to a covert narcissist for 29 years when I got discarded. I had no clue what a narcissist was, until after my divorce. Only after then did I see some videos about gas-lighting, in which I could recognize was something I had gone through. Then I started watching more vids about narcissists and indeed seen that this was the very same type of person (covert narcissists) that I had been married to. I have no contact with her what-so-ever. Which is good for me but bad for our (grown) kids, who now have became her new targets and have experienced more than enough to recognize her issues.
My narc watched a RU-vid video or two, took a few things out-of context, and uses that to affirm that I'm the problem. I write a daily journal, research narcissism everyday, am abused almost everyday, have family and friends (she had zero friends and her family won't even talk to her anymore because of her constant bullshit, her own parents and grandparents told me that she's a sociopath and is a pathological liar. They do not visit, they do not speak to her. If you ask her, everyone she knows is a narcissist! Everyone that disagrees with her or challenges her is a narcissist. I have a really good feeling that she's been accused of being a narcissist before, as we all know they love to project their insecurities, thoughts about themselves, and their own actions onto their victims.
Lise, most of us here had to become detectives - of a kind - because we hadn’t experienced this sort of abuse. I didn’t know people like this existed before my ex. I have done much research and listened to hundreds of hours of content like this. However, you are the first to articulate a plausible reason behind this destructive behavior, i,e., an exchange of deep shame. I don’t completely understand how that works for them but strongly agree that underlies the gaslighting. I might add that that the love I had for my ex-wife was genuine and deep! I believe that deep love for them is a necessary prerequisite for the abuse to even exist. They have no power over a mate who doesn’t adore and cherish them. This further supports their preference for those who are loving, kind and empathetic. There is real irony there and it is a very sad one!
Agreed. I'm glad you wrote this. My experience was very similar. Now I feel I know more about Cluster B disorders than I ever wanted to. I don't know what my ex is categorically but her treatment of me was virtually textbook. I was always wrong and often misremembered events as far as she was concerned. I, also, took to recording conversations. It took me years to see that she has a deeply rooted sense of insecurity and arrogance/selfishness. Good luck to us all. Life continues. (edit:spelling)
They do it so that their version of what happened is the official version and your version is ‘incorrect’. That way they keep the versions they still want to keep and delete or edit parts not in their favour.
@@luciusverus4886 With a name like Lucius, sounds a little like the name Lucifer. Anyway, if you're implying that James is the narc here, you are dead wrong
@@MattJimmy And for your information, I am an Italian .. not American - Italian , but from Europe. Lucifer is someone very different than Lucius Verus.
@@MattJimmy ...Lol... 😂😂😂 Lucius Verus (130 - 169) was Roman emperor from 161 until his death in 169, alongside his adoptive brother Marcus Aurelius = (Emperor presented in a "GLADIATOR" movie. )
One of the narcissists best weapons is they slowly boil you like a frog so you don't realize you are being dragged out of your realm of acceptability without even realizing it... you just wake up one day realizing this isn't the relationship I thought I was entering... Often you will blame yourself for not actually being good enough... the narcissist thought you were better but realized you weren't "all that" and now isn't treating you as well.. but in reality it is just part of their stripping you down game... I had a therapist point out that he was behaving out of my realm of acceptability and that helped me a lot to understand...and get out
At 70 years old and 2 years after my wife's death I met the woman of my dreams. Didn't take long to fall in love. After 8 months of sex bombing, gaslighting, the whole covert narcissist menu, she abruptly left and immediately was in bed with another man she met online. I did not expect this from a woman this age, but she had gone through a series of cosmetic surgeries, and I am here to tell you, they worked. A little too well; she became very vane and it turned her into a female covert narcissistic sex addict. But she was good, really good. Got me to fall head over heels in love, and boy, did she break my heart in two. A very evil woman. And still plying her trade at her age.
You shouldn't be feeling like that at your age, my friend. So easy to say as the damage they do is so insidious. I've gone through a similar experience at 60. Think of better times with your wife; and move on . Good luck
@@joshuamacer777depending on the individual it has the ability to kill a person on the inside physically ie heart attack high blood pressure lose of sleep etc.
Being a good person seems to attract the narc... being smart about keeping them in check and holding boundaries drives them crazy. In my experience with a few of them, they will be caught off guard because nobody has courage to stand up to them in general. They can't compute rejection. Destroy their ego. They need a healthy dose of humble pie. One narc at a time. I will continue to battle those demons with confidence ✨️
Every female narc I encounter has a new tactic I never dealt with before. It throws me off until I see the pattern. One tactic is the " build up, and smash down" tactic. They build you up for a special event, then start a fight hours before then smash it down or cancel. When they know you're pissed, they pull you back in and want you to go. Once at the event, they start to degrade and poke at you until you snap...and it ends with " see, this is why I didn't want to go because you ruin everything for me." It's sneaky and sadistic.
Because they are so emotionally volatile they sometimes say or do things they don’t want people to remember or tell anymore so they have to control the reality which means controlling the version remembered and then they feel safe
Narcissists are so busy with their narrative of “I’m not crazy, you’re crazy” They’ll confabulate so much they actually convince themselves. They really think you’re crazy and they’ll try their best to make you go fully insane if you let them. For example, my ex used to say my asthma was something I made up when I couldn’t keep up on a hike. He would watch me look for something while he knew exactly where it was. He would say when I cried it was a manipulation tactic. He would tell me how to speak because he didn’t like me using the word “but” ever. He was convinced I never listened and he’d tell me I wasn’t listening then repeat himself multiple times even though I was listening. Everything he ever did was my fault originally. Just a few examples. Their personality consists of a bunch of elaborate techniques to avoid themselves.
My favourite is how they'll repeatedly say "I told you that", while expecting you to believe that you have either misunderstood, or totally forgotten the key point to almost everything they've ever said to you on topics of significance. I was forever saying "you're the only person in my entire life that this happens with". When you're at the stage of suggesting the conversations be recorded, you're already in their web of gaslighting and mind games much deeper than you realise.
To break from the narcissist previously in my life, it took me hearing from her that it didn’t matter whether I lived or died from COVID in the spring of 2020, after years of having me gaslit way down in a hole. I was in a job where people needed me to work: as the medical director of an inpatient COVID unit, with staff scared to death and looking to me for support and leadership. The experience of having so many people desperate for my value, while my narcissist was the only one convinced otherwise, broke the spell. I left her. My unit ended up with some of the best performance in America, I won an promotion, and received two awards from my employer-one from leadership, and the other just yesterday, by voted award from our nurses.
Let's say I'm delusional... I would like to think I'm ok... Suddenly in some cases I find that people around me are different - full of "delusions"... Instead of thinking there is something wrong with me and work on my personality to adjust and to accept... it is easier to say that the people around me are stupid. Crazy or Wrong. This gives me relief from my iner insecurities... wich are in reality the problem... Anyway if I can get people to think I'm "perfect" I'l get perfectly what I want...😆
She isolated me from my family, so we stopped going to events like Birthday's, Christmas. She was always telling me i had to take her side, if not she would leave me. So I started going against my brother, mother, father.... i was so scared to loose her, and I was telling myself you have to take her side *It's your wife*. until I realized that she wanted my Isolation, so she could abuse me psychologically more. She was never interested in me, just wanted to show that she is in control.
Shame dumping is so damaging. I got dumped from a 2-month relationship a year ago for no real reason and I was blamed FOR EVERYTHING. I tried to admit some of my faults and excuse some others I didn't agree with, but the girl just never admitted anything, instead making me feel like I was the worst man on earth. I went from adored to trash in less than 24 hours. The worst thing: My brain knows I didn't do anything, therapy since then tells me it's not my fault, talks with a lot of friends, family etc also say it's not my fault, but deep inside I feel so bad I haven't been able to move on at all as of yet. This is the worst experience I've had and I still feel incapable of giving love and unworthy. This feels like hell. Thank you for your videos Lise. Truly thank you for helping me make some sense of what happened.
Did she ever share experience about her exes and how they were terrible like ALL of THEM? she never knew why they cheated on her she did not know why they ghosted her completely. Did all the stories seem like she was always either the victim or the hero hell even both that is indeed NPD. When you confront a true narc they will never accept faults they will intentionally plant bs in stories just so they can say they never said just so they can make you feel crazy or like you are just trying to pain them in a negative light. What I've learned with dealing with people like this never engage emotionally with the passive aggressiveness i.e. odd text that lead with insult coupled with I would never do that with you ending with a backhanded compliment such as "I am showing you my authentic self".
Consider yourself lucky, only because you really are. I kept taking her back for 14 years. Just imagine that . I've been suffering deep depression for almost four years now. And I'm not counting the anxiety I experienced during the relationship. If it wasn't for my children and grandchildren I likely would have left the planet voluntarily. I keep telling myself it's getting better. But I don't want minimize your pain. Because I really do understand it. That's why I kept taking her back. Stay away from her it really is a life-and-death situation. It's just so hard to accept that somebody that made you feel the best you ever have makes you feel the worst you ever have. I have so many issues now I have so much baggage and nowhere to put it. I don't think I will ever be able to have a serious relationship. I know that life is worth living but every f****** morning when I get up I have to remind myself why. She is gone stay away from her I am happy for you. You got this man.
Over 10 years ago right before I went no contact with my narc/sociopath neighbour, he insulted me, denied saying it and then insulted me again. All in the same breath and with a totally expressionless face.
Me too Henry, two days before she moved out she threw her puppy out into the back yard at 5 am (it was December and snowing) for three hours as a final FU to the neighbours
I have listened to many of your podcasts. I was in a marriage for 23 years where every single thing you have said applies. It still puts me in a state of shock. I am still damaged and absolutely have some PTSD. I can’t afford therapy so listening to stuff that you and others put out is helping me to heal and understand though I don’t know if I will ever know who I am again. I am doing much much better since I left two years ago but I was so so very broken and I know my healing will take a while. Thanks
I completely had / am having the same experience. I have been taking some time to learn from Lise about the trauma bond that goes with this. It took me nearly four years to realise that I still shouldn't be thinking about my ex every single day, and often for periods of time, not just an idle thought. I think the trauma bond with which I am inflicted is appallingly insidious and so hard to break. But I know that if I can't break it I will live in bondage for the rest of my life, or at least for a very long time. The thing is not that I am craving for my ex and having feelings of betrayed love, etc. It is just that I keep thinking about her. Can't get her out of my head. In actual fact I would be terrified to meet her again.
Not only should you advice to reach out for help, but also to cut ties with such malicious devils for good! Even if it may take years to disentangle oneself from their clutches, one should set up an exit strategy and consistently practice the grey rock method till D day. Trying to get a narcissist to seek professional help is pure waste of time and energy!
Indeed, this is my mother 100%. She even left me at home for my own high school graduation. I was crying and got there alone, to walk alone and feel alone and was alone. My poor father was stuck til his death at 81 in 2017. He lived in his bedroom. I finally had enough and went no contact but the damages are immense. And it’s so painful that others won’t see it.
Humans were not made to be lonely for a long time. But, once you get used to and comfortable with yourself, it's very liberating. You know you're not so dependent on others. You can interact with others or just enjoy your own presence! The hardest part about being your own best friend is that there are no secrets. All your faults, fears, weakness, anything you don't want to show or identify with, you can't hide from yourself. You ether accept and embrace, or reject who you are, and sentence yourself to a life of basing your value on what you believe others think of you.
he actually made me believe i was using him for his money, but afterwards i realized he had spent so little and was just looking to be the victim, i smile knowing he'll never be happy even if he meets someone who can handle him he literally would rage if i wasn't paying attention to him, but would block me whenever he wanted or make up lies about me. he literally told me that he disliked almost everything about me by saying "i prefer x feature" on people, i was none of them......what a monster so insecure and weak using his bipolar diagnosis as an excuse
I've been divorced for 6 years now but watching this has triggered an anxiety in my chest I haven't felt since I left my situation. How long does it take to heal from this. I was in the push pull cycle for 22 years before I was finally discarded.
Wow that relationshit lasted a long time. Money makes Narcs stick around. However they have back doors and side doors most victims don't know about. The money is their IV. We are just a landing pad to Monkey jump from to gain supply from day one. They are always looking for better. They are really stupid. They had the best already. When she comes a hoovering remember because they ran out of victims and or money No is a complete sentence. Just say No to her and call the cops if she gets the slight bit stupid. They all come back around. It make take five to forty years. Just be ready to spank that Narc ass when they come sniffing.
Realize it wasn't love, and that the person is sick. and be happy you are free.....don't allow yourself to be stuck in the trauma bond! You were duped. You loved, they didn't and couldn't! Its so hard to stop loving, until you remember it wasn't even real and could never be.
It’s kind of contradictory to say that a narcissist ex admitted that to gaslighting. One of the behavior patterns of a narcissist is that they won’t admit fault on their own, and that they use gaslighting to convince you that they were never at fault. I can tell you what behavior of my narcissist ex led me to believe that I was being gaslighted though. Gaslighting is a real insidious way of manipulation- to make you believe that there is something wrong with you, that the actions/words of your narcissist weren’t really what they seemed to be. It makes you question your judgement, leading to you ignoring your instincts and senses. I swallowed all of her gaslighting for years, mostly because I wanted the relationship to work- like most people who have been the partner of a narcissist. I started realizing that something was wrong 6 months before I was discarded. It was actually this revelation that I had that led to the discard- once I started seeing through the illusion that she presented, I started to see all of her actions for what they really were, and I started to question her on everything and stood my ground on issues that I previously gave in on. We had gotten into a really bad argument. Tensions between us had been building for a few months. We had to move from our rental and find a new place to live within 2 months, in a town that was going through a surge in prices for rental properties. It was difficult finding a place to live that was within our budget, and still live in the town that had come to be our community. Between that and all of the normal logistics in moving cause a lot of minor arguments and stress between us- more than what was normal with her narcissistic and selfish behavior. We found a place, moved in and was in the process of bringing the final things over from the old place to the new place and cleaning the old place when we had gotten into an argument about something minor. All of the pent up tensions and resentment came out. During the argument, she was dismissive to me and told me that everything was my fault and if I didn’t like it then I could pack my shit and leave. I was so frustrated that I knocked her external computer monitor down (so she would face me and not continue to argue with her back turned to me). She got up and in my face and told me that I probably wanted to hit her. I said that I didn’t, I just wanted to discuss the issues. She said that if I wasn’t man enough to hit her she would give herself a black eye and call the police on me. I turned and left the room, because I knew the argument was escalating to a place that I didn’t;t want it to go. As I turned to leave the room, she jumped on me and started punching me. I told her if she was going to hit me, I would call the police. She started punching me again, so I left the room, went to the master bathroom and called the police. They came, interviewed both of us and arrested her for spousal battery. Afterwards she only blamed me for the incident and never, never acknowledged that she hit me. A week or so later, she asked me to write a letter to the DA requesting that the charges be dropped. I said that I would write a letter but that she would have to acknowledge her actions and to apologize to me first. She said that she was sorry that I felt that way. I told her that I wouldn’t write anything to the DA, and she stormed off, giving me the silent treatment for a couple of days. I knew what happened, and have a very clear recollection of the events. I’ve been punched before with closed fists, and I know what it feels like- and it doesn’t feel like a “shove”, what she insisted was what she did (her story was that she shoved me only after I shoved her, which was nonsense). I got a copy of the police report, and one of several reasons that they arrested her is because they found her knuckles red and swollen. I tried to move through this, but she kept trying to change the narrative of what happened when I was very clear on what happened. I felt crazy, but knew that I wasn’t. This led me to question everything else that she told me. Once I started realizing that most things she told me (when it came to disagreements or things that I had an issue with) were lies, and I believed the illusion that she created to trick me. That’s what the narcissist does- they present an illusion to you. Just like looking at an optical illusion, once you see that it is a trick of the eyes, you can’t look at it again without seeing the trick. Once I started seeing through her illusions, the house of cards that she built started to fall down and I slowly started to realize the type of person that she was, even though I didn’t want to believe it. I started enforcing my boundaries and that drove her crazy and caused more fights and gaslighting, which is what I believe led to her finally discarding me 6 months after her arrest. She never admitted to gaslighting me though. Even after confronting her with things from years previous that I realized she changed to make me the one at fault, she stays with her story. Even with indisputable proof, she stays with her version of events and says everyone else is wrong. Don’t expect any type of satisfaction or closure from a narcissist, because you won’t get any. You have to believe your judgment and instinct, and not tie your self-worth and self-esteem to anything that they say to you. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
Sounds like a regular Amber Heard smh. My ex narc would be prepared to die on the dumbest of hills Instead of an easy admission of making a mistake or using bad judgment and validating my feelings like we did for them day in and day out. I realized it's not the size or severity of the lie, which in your case is pretty severe, or if we even have irrefutable proof of their deceptions. To them admitting or taking accountability for anything at all is tantamount to showing vulnerability and for whatever reason their brains are wired to associate being vulnerable with suffocating in a sense. You and I view vulnerability as a tool for building trust, strong bonds and healthy communication and they view it as a tool for control, manipulation and blackmail. I always wondered if my ex saw examples of it being used that way as a small child and that's how her though processing was formed or perhaps she lied about her family dynamic growing up all together and really had a loving family. That maybe her mind was born that way. Guess I'll never know 🤷.
These five gaslighting techniques exactly describes my father from long ago. 42 years ago, I was farming for a living and he saw how I loved it. Back in 1980, he upsetted me big time with the gaslighting as described by this video. By 1985 , I never spoke to him again. To most people in the nearby towns of Mount Brydges and Strathroy Ontario Canada, it was a total shock to hear that any son or daughter would simply not talk to and totally avoid their father. Back at the time, this was unheard of. You guessed it. I moved away from that area years ago. I have a great life now because I have no narcissist that I am forced to deal with. Looking back on the experience, I really like to blame the churches for forcing on people the commandment of 'honor the father and thy mother.' People buy into that, even today. If you are dealing with a parent who is a narcissist, back up your bags and run for your freedom and get your mind back. Avoid any and all churches and all goody-goody church goers who believe in this so called commandment and also that you must forgive. Going along with church doctrine such as this is sheer nonsense and destructive. Doctrines such as this kills the mind.
Stay the course.. TOXIC is TOXIC it doesn't matter if it's your parents or a parent. If you've defined clear boundaries and they continue to cross them at some point enough is enough and your own health and wellbeing trump swimming in a pools of lies manipulations and deceit. I've also cut my folks out of my life after numerous reconciliation attempts. Life is too short to constantly deal with someone elses chaos especially if it's made to make you the problem.
@@pdescham496 Hello Paul. I thank you for your support. The last time I had a toxic relationship with a family member was 19 years ago. So I'm staying the course. At the present time, I am not married and I'm not going out with anyone. Hopefully I'll find a decent broad some time soon. Luckily, with the help of Lise LeBlanc's videos you can be sure I'll be on my guard so as to fully avoid any future narcissist from coming into my life. In the meantime, I wish you well.
Men, do not hesitate for one moment to put a restraining order against your female partner if you feel your safety and health is in jeopardy. Placing a permanent restraining order on my female partner was absolutely the wisest protective move of my adult lifetime. My only regret is not doing it years earlier. Men, be safe!
Another great video! -- When they set up these situations that are not easily discerned for truthfulness, they shoot for the 49% to 51% odds, which makes it all the more difficult to decide what is going on. She even stupidly said it to me once.. "you can't prove it - it's 50/50." She was treacherous: but dumb as a boot. The two phrases that I had for this were ...."strategic ambiguity" (as her method), and "plausible deniability" (as her defense or excuse). Another time, she left a man"s t-shirt draped over the back of a chair in the bedroom for days, waiting for me to wonder about it, or to accuse her of cheating. Of course her response to me would have been... you are crazy. I was on to her games at this point, so I rode it out until she couldn't stand it anymore, and she eventually asked me if it was my shirt. I said "no" and tried to let it go, but she went into overtime to convince me that it was mine. But think about how hideous that is. If you are not wise to the game, you either think she is cheating on you, (which she denies and then calls you paranoid), or that you don't recognize your own clothes, (and then she has you questioning your memory/sanity). The narc will then use it as a truncheon (along with everything else that is piling up) to drive you deeper into the ground. I read an article a while ago, telling about how Native People's dealt with these kinds of people in their societies. It was related that they would walk them off into the woods, and come back without them.
Marriage counselors seem to have a tendency towards undue optimism, which means they won't suspect the narcissist and might end up taking their side and reinforcing the gaslighting. This is especially terrible for the confused spouse, who doesn't really grasp what's happening.
I can really relate to this. My experience was that my ex was so good with her narcissistic skills (being a psychologist herself) that she recruited the couples counseller (also a psychologist who professed to be a Gottman therapist) we were seeing. The counceller was complicit in an insidious process where I was totally vulnerable when I should have felt protected. After some years I am more angry with that appalling councellor than I am with my ex. It was profound professional betrayal. So after my ex left I was left to process two injuries, not just one.
I know this sounds strange, but being raised in a family of narcissists… I can spot them a mile away 😂 I was with a malignant narcissist when I was 19 saw the writing on the wall and dumped him as fast as I could & he continued to torment me as much as possible, until I moved away …….
3:54 this is absolutely bullseye My horror story partner (10 years down the drain) would speak in ways that let you believe what she knew wanted to be heard, but always had a trojan horse that could later be used to evade responsibility, reverse meanings/outcomes, and/or be a gaslighting fulcrum. The worst is experiencing both bookends of this in the presence of a therapist who’s incapable of seeing it even when expressly stated as such (by me, in session). Getting out of that with my sanity and health feels like a miracle.
When it comes to recognising and managing NPD I am now convinced that there are a lot of charlatans out there in the guise of "psychologist". I had a very similar experience. I sympathise.
I will say that the most important clue of a narcissist is that words aren't matching actions. Or actions are contradictory to other actions. For example: someone is giving a public apology of their destructive behavior and seems to do better for a while, but you notice that their actions don't line up. They're still being passive agressive and they don't own up to accountability privately. Another thing is you see them showing genuine concern for you in hard times, but its like suddenly, when you doubt them or disagree with them, even in something small, they are no longer nice and kind to you.
I finally saw through the “memory” part after about a year. Every single time we would go have a couple drinks, the next day, or a couple days later she would claim there was something that I said. The first couple times they were small, but seemed out of character for me. But I figured well, we had a couple drinks, maybe I did say something a little stupid. Well the “things I was saying” kept progressively getting worse and worse, and finally it got to a point where I said something. I told her “there’s no way I said that, a horrible thought like that doesn’t even cross my mind at any time, ever.” So one time I switched my drinks out for non alcohol. To be positive I would remember everything. And sure enough, once again. Some horrible things I “said” and “my drinking was clearly getting out of control.” I guess my non alcoholic beer drinking was really out of control.
Do healthy things that objectively benefit you and help you grow and learn useful things. The value you bring yourself and others around you will help dispel your confusion. This worked for me. Don’t be surprised if you end up hating the b*tch along the way. 🙂
Thank you so much!! I had a "friend" who was taking my daughter under her wing while having an affair with my fiancé. When I tried to speak about it my own daughter had been cohered by this woman and said "Oh, Mom, she would NEVER do that." At the time I had already been labeled by this woman as having "several issues" and all along she was creating a separate reality I was supposed to go along with OR ELSE. Well OR ELSE happened -- I got away and started believing in myself.
3:34 "And if you try to tell someone about an incident, it seems small, insignificant, unrealistic, hard to pinpoint, impossible to prove. The narcissist always has another plausible version or narrative to show that you are overly sensitive, overreacting-- forgetting what was said or what was actually happening." This is why I started taking screenshots and journaling about it. This gave me the strength to finally go NO CONTACT. Now your words here are a perfect example of how their GASLIGHTING works. You don't have to prove to them or to the world that they're wrong-- because you know what's right and you'll know when to finally say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"
Thanks for the video! My brain tells me that I have experienced all five "worst ways" and more! My heart on the other hand is in a state of disbelief because it knows the implications!
"I didn't just say that, but i may have said that in the past" Seriously, i ended up recording video calls. The gaslighting was obvious. This behaviour is EVIL NEVER question yourself. Kick them out of your life immediately!
she would act like she wasn't rude or anything, so I started recording our arguments and video recorded our fights. It was crazy listening back to them.
My best story is that all the sudden my garage door opener went missing. I asked her if she had seen it. “No” she said. I was thinking “jeesh i must of just dropped it somewhere” Months after the break up i found it in my japanese lattern. I did not put it there! For months i felt completely crazy
Magical talk... Thats what I learned early on and it definitely is a big tell. Coming from a large family, you wouldn't get away with that and it was like dealing with a toddler. Too bad people like this are stuck in a fake, shameful reality that is likely brought on by bad parents that can't look you on the eye or hold a heart to heart conversation.
It just amazes me how you know exactly what I lived. There is a couple of really good channels out there that explain these things. But this one is definitely the best . I was obsessing over understanding these things I've tried to stay away from these channels. My narcissistic ex died in December triggered me to come back and watch these again. I don't wish bad things on people and I'm sorry that she has passed. But at the same time I have a weird sense of relief knowing that there will be no more Hoover's. Relationships should not leave you feeling like this.
This one hit different because my narc ex fiancee discarded me and I'm a Hoover :/ good luck in healing bro. All I ever wanted was a family I could provide for and she used that against me. Now there won't be any more Hoovers, for the moment.
Here is what I did I kept a journal of everything I told her date and time . I did this because she made me think I say and do things I don't remember doing or saying, she did everything this lady is saying. I lived this. I learned to say thing to stop this from happening
My Narcissist, when she's in her usual "pleasant" mood will often look at me and say "why are you so grumpy?" (when i'm generally in a normal good mood, and she's never happy about anything). It was so confusing to me until i figured out who and what she was and that she was gaslighting me. Living with her is a nightmare, but i refuse to leave my 3 kids at this point, but i will be leaving her eventually.
They definitely need a warning ⚠️ label and a big red 🚨 flashing light. After 10 years I broke that thought where I blamed myself. After 5 years of counselling, I realised it was the abuse my narcissistic ex wife put me through. All 5 of these the narcissistic ex wife put me through.
For a lesson in Gaslighting 101, here's a verbatim conversation I had with my ex (which I am not embellishing in any way): Me: "I'm asking you to please be as welcoming to my kids as I am to yours," Her: "How DARE you accuse me of being a terrible stepmom!" "I didn't say that." "That's exactly what you said. The real problem is you just can't get past your f***ing kids." "Why would you refer to them that way?" "What way?" "You just called them my f***ing kids." "No, I didn't." Imagine 14 years of this crazy-making behavior. Ms. Leblanc's videos helped me gather the strength to leave, cut her off and move on with my life. I hope they help others in the same situation.
Hey I broke up with my girlfriend last year because of this toxic behavior and after researching I never knew that this was the kind of narcissistic behavior. Thx for clearing my mind by explaining it to me how they behave and such. I appreciate it Mrs. Leblanc
Four weeks ago, after I'd been on a date, I inadvertently discovered that I had been in, what I now believe, to be a narcissistic relationship with my ex wife 12 years ago. I can distinctly remember her gaslighting about many aspects of our relationship. The trouble is, I have many blanks - events or conversations that I can't quite piece together. I believe this is called disassociation(?). These were mostly around the time we were trying for a baby, the pain of going through a miscarriage, and the subsequent birth of our child. I do remember the time she once convinced me that I was becoming very forgetful, so much so, she said I should see a doctor for a check up. This I did - I was about 48 at the time. The doctor said I was fine. So I'm trying to figure out if there is anything to gain by unpacking what happened to me... or whether I should just "let it be". Thing is, I can't help wonder if this abuse has had an affect on the relationships I've had since. I still have to deal with my ex because my son is only 17 but luckily it's only by email. Thank Lise for this channel - you have provided me with no end of advice and comfort :o)
My demonic ex literally wrote a letter to my mum! I told her she was abusing me and she was horrible. She cheated on me, played me, used me. Was on drugs. Would call and message in the early hours to tell me an ex was at her house and then not reply if i messaged back or tried to call. I had a job interview lined up one morning and she kept calling me whilst drugged up with her provider who was at her house as I could hear him and who she slept with. This was all whilst we were together! When I pointed all this out to her, she blamed me for not being there then wrote a letter to my mum saying how bad of a human I was.
Thank you so much. He had me convinced I was the bad one. Shamed me and wouldn’t let it go. Had me doing things that went against my values. You summed it all up.
confession: i went to a shrink for 5 years to deal with what I thought were my psychological problems, Problems which seemed to get more acute as my marriage continued. Sadly, my shrink told me in the first month that my ex and I were not compatible, that I had a masochistic tendency, and that my ex was likely a narcissist, but I was convinced I just needed to work harder on my issues. I am now in a very loving relationship for ten years, but I still have regular flashbacks to situations in which I was extremely gaslit, repeatedly. Relatives and friends waited years in many cases before they told me how bad she was for me. Love truly can be blind, and as a previous commenter said, It almost seems that the narcissist requires the illusion of passionate love, in order to maintain their dominant position in the relationship. Weird world
But why? Why would she do that. It's horrible. Even this little things that make no sense. Hiding your wallet to find it where you have searched. Why would they do that
I did not know there was a name for what you are describing. My dad was a master at doing this. When I called him out on this first he would lie then deny and then fight. Yeah I was his punching bag. I got my ass kicked many times. Often times he would say I was crazy and out of touch. looking back I suppose I may have been. Because I believed in him. And the things he said to me were so insane. Looking back I feel like a idiot for letting him string me along. It is amazing how evil and sick some people can be.
@dave smith her favourite move is essentially three messages or actions, always in the same order and usually 7/10 days apart: it starts with “fk off, I don’t want any communication etc.” the next move is always to appear somewhere in my world and the third is to offer an olive branch - then she closes out by ghosting and not following up on the offered olive branch. She’s even seen my asleep in the car, woken me and told me that she’d had a sex dream about me… then ghosts. It’s almost like she’s doesn’t actually want to be apart but can’t break the other bonds to her mother & brother. I suspect she’s painted herself into a corner by lying about my behaviours and can’t reverse that without admitting to them, and herself, that she made it up…
My love is ready to break up over something that should pass. Something to be overcome by working together. Becoming strong and wise. It's sad that in the moment she would cheat, lie, steal and spare no expense to cause my heart to hurt.
Lise, You’re like the wise Sister I never had, lol. I really appreciate these videos. I dated someone briefly and these tactics are very relatable. The one I dealt with was the act of being “conveniently Ignorant” when it suited her. You catch them in a lie and they will make up more lies or Justify or project. It’s like they believe their own nonsense, just like an immature 13yo kid.
simply amazing. you have solved a very long puzzle in my life. i worked for a narcissist. and i dated a narcissist. after i had divorced a ... you guessed it, a narcissist. i am definitely a phil, from a mile away. damn. thank you! this helps so much, you have no idea!!!
Thank you for this amazing video! I experienced all the things you discussed in your video with someone I got involved with romantically for 2 years. I am still trying to clean up the mess he made in my life. He was stalking me and manipulating text messages on my cellphone. He told me that I was being paranoid when he realized that I was taking records of events to keep me grounded in reality. He made me feel unlovable, unworthy, and defective because I am a single mom, overweight, and middle-aged. He repeatedly asked me to do things sexually that I didn't want to do and would rage and devalue me because I refused to comply with his request every time. During the smear campaign, he shared my emotional trauma with my co-workers while smiling in my face. He told them I get triggered easily. Funny, he never said anything negative about himself, and no one questioned the validity of what he said. Sad! Please pay attention and identify toxic traits early to prevent the emotional trauma these people will cause in your life! Be safe!
MY NARC DISCARDED ME ALMOST 20 YRS AGO BUT RECENTLY I WAS TRIGGERED ONLY BECAUSE SOMEONE MENTIONED HIS NAME.....SO NOW I'M OBSESSING AND ITS MAKING ME CRAZY.......I MADE THE MISTALE OF SHARING PROBLEMS IN MY LAST JOB AND HE WAS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THE TWISTED MEN I WAS FORCED TO WORK FOR..-- I WAS A DEPARTMENT HEAD BUT HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS JUST A CLERK......I WAS DEVASTATED TO THINK I NEVER REALLY KNEW THIS MAN I LOVED FOR 18 YRS.........
It takes time, distance and often times therapy to come the the realization that you were never at fault, reconnect to reality and trust yourself again.
Yup!!! He tried to threaten to talk to my sister, but unbeknownst to him, I already knew he already spoke to her because she came to me right away. He underestimated how close I am to those in my life. After a few months of him continually threatening to talk to my sister. The seed of doubt started with, " Are you feeling ok?" Thanks to videos like this, I knew what he was doing, right away!
This channel has helped me so much. It's a subject I never wanted to explore. It's been a big help. The path of destruction narcissists leave behind is amazing. I have been slowly coming out of the fog and realizing that I was not crazy. Everything in these videos is spot on.
I've been gaslighted by my fiance the whole time we lived together. Fortunately I got the grip on it fast and started taking notes every time. I was able to prove it to myself after just a few weeks into the manipulation. After that I dumped her. It was a few years ago and I'm vigilant and a lot more critical about other people's suspicious behavior since. I also try to confront people on such things as misunderstandings happen quite often.
Lisa, You are amazing! Where where you 20 years ago! I have waisted 20 years of my life trying to deal with and fix a narcissist Mother of my kids. Every thing you said in this video has happened to me and more. I need a therapist like you.
This is valuable information. What I’m not understanding is win in a relationship with someone who we think is displaying the characteristics of NPD, when I haven’t heard and learned what the tactic is, for example, if someone were to make a mistake with the abusive partner and this someone admits to making a mistake but then the abusive partner starts stonewalling and acting like all of their past wrongdoings never existed and or have been erased. What is this tactic that they’re doing because what comes to mind is gaslighting and DARVO.
The artifact of gaslighting that I still struggle with, and can't explain to others, is that I still to this day have two sets of memories of that time. One is based on evidence and verifiable facts. The other is based on what she told me was happening and required me to believe. Neither feels more or less real to me despite being contradictory. Even when she tried to convince me that I was somehow to blame for her having an affair. I still struggle to maintain what was fact and what was not.
Lise Leblanc I just found you per chance. My wife is this to a tee! I was discarded a month again for the final time! 10 years of hell! understand now! Thank you so much. I can not even tell tou you how much better i feel. Im not perfect but its not my fault! ❤❤❤❤
Post 1 year discarding, publicly exposing, blocking, no contacting my ex-rage full-female Narc lover. She’s now my shameful-full of guilt, ex-Narc stalker…
Thank you Lise for articulating things in such a clear and meaningful way on this topic. I've struggled for years to grapple with the reality of this personality type and how it played a role in the destruction of a familial relationship. When your heart is torn out-it can be a rough road back to sanity. Some specific things you mentioned, in several of your videos was just what I needed. I was able to resolve something that was very problematic and hanging me up. I can now accept the truth that relationship was doomed from the start. By reading some comments here, it appears others appreciate your efforts as well. Thank you very much and I wish you well.
Anyone who brings up the past can’t move on regardless of what the truth is. Those people are conflict seekers!! Run don’t walk. They will never take accountability.
All of this. Always asking trusted people if I'm misinterpreting or misunderstanding things or overreacting because I was constantly told that I wasn't experiencing what I was, told that I was too sensitive and needed to get over things that had harmed my mental health, and accused of things my NM was doing herself. I have BIG trust issues with others AND with myself and find making decisions hard most of the time because I worry that it'll be wrong no matter what. My trusted people are still not fully trusted, but I know they'll tell me if I am correct or if there another way to see things.
I remember going online to figure something out and came across a thread I curiously pulled to unravel my entire relationship. After the initial shock I had a tremendous sense of relief being validated that it wasn't me, its not my fault. The shackles of blame/shame were released as I became emotionally exonerated.
How can they even do this so masterfully so skillfully it seems as though they have a strategy and it comes to the I can't even I can't duplicate the same strategy back against them it's absolutely crazy making
Wow, best breakdown of gaslighting i ever heard. Good work here. Good thing i have a natural BS detector and can be a jerk when i really to be, but i can understand from this video how people can be really hurt by narcissistic people. kudos.
She would isolate me from my siblings then make excuses that I was always chasing them but all I was doing was being nice to my siblings. She messed with my mind.
OMG! I was totally convinced by my now ex-wife that any problems we had were totally my fault. I never even considered her to be a narcissist because I always associated that term with a certain ex-reality show host who happens to be in news every day lately. Now that I have stumbled upon your channel and few others that talk about covert female narcissism it is blowing my mind! This video in particular really strikes home as she has done pretty much every one of the tactics you describe here, even going so far as convincing me that I was gaslighting her! She has reached pout to my adult children and my friends to convince them that I was totally at fault in the breakdown of our 20 year marriage (divorce was final 1 year ago). She has succeeded in somewhat alienating my adult children through her spin. You have really opened my eyes and your videos have been incredibly helpful to me to start seeing how I was the victim, not her. Thank you so much!
My son's Mother promised him she would him back into my care on Tuesday 27th December for last year's Christmas. On the Sunday she got her boyfriend to suggest at the family dinner (with Auntie, Uncle and cousins) that they go on an "overnight boat trip" on their yacht on the Monday night. She promised our Son that she would have him back in time. On the way to the yacht, the story started to change to "it will be Tuesday afternoon." Once on the boat it became "night" which then supported "it will be too late for a handover so we'll do it on Wednesday morning." He challenged her with "Mum but you promised it would be an overnight trip and you would have me back to Dad on Tuesday morning" and she gaslit him with "oh, no - it was never going to just an overnight trip - it was always going to be a couple of nights - you must have misunderstood." This was just part of her starting to lose the plot because he turned 16 last September and is now out of the Family Courts jurisdiction so can chose to spend as much time as he wants with me. Up until middle of March, he was choosing to be with me for 80% of the time (and skyped me daily when in his Mum's care). Then he fell ill with Covid while at his Mum's so was with her for 3 weeks before coming back to me for a week. She then set a trap and gave him too short-notice of her birthday party (just 2 days). He said he couldn't make it because he didn't want to give up his mountain-biking plans (plus he's aware that she uses short-notice changes to plans to cause disruption. And then there's the fact that after the Christmas fiasco he told her he wanted a week's notice for any changes to plans or big events). He said he would see her on Monday night for a night and then come back to me. He told her this on the Saturday. On the Tuesday morning she says "sure, you can go back to your Dad's ... oh, it's a shame because you'll miss seeing x and y" (her boyfriend and his son). So our son chose to stay with her. Ordinarily I'd be fine with it but had arranged something that cost money so I told him I was pissed off. Unfortunately I fell into her trap of getting angry at our son. This is our first big fall-out so he's retreated, decided to stay at her house and I haven't seen or spoken with him since (3 weeks). I know that he'll also be under huge pressure of "what kind of son doesn't go to his own Mum's birthday" which they'll no doubt have twisted into "did your Dad make you say 'no?'" (which I didn't - I actually offered two alternatives so he could attend his Mum's party and he said he neither wanted to get up at stupid o'clock or miss his mountain-biking). But I think he's caved in because it's easier just to go with what she says as he knows that I'll just comply and not give him a hard time about it. She did something similar a couple of months back. Because of the Christmas fiasco we missed out Christmas holiday so had to plan another. He asked her 2 weeks in advance if she had plans for a specific weekend. She said "yes but nothing that can't be changed" so he came with me for a mountain-biking roadtrip. The moment we got on the road-trip she started sending photos of her and her boyfriend at their holiday home with a friend who was visiting from the US. The friend was a long-term Air-B'n'B guest who our son grew really attached to. If we had known she was going to be over then we would have rescheduled our bike trip. Why did she not say that the friend was coming to visit? She purposefully setup the failure to make him feel bad and regret not having spent the weekend with his Mum. Possibly also to introduce conflict during the weekend of "awwww ... I wish I was at Mum's now! But now I feel guilty for thinking that when I should be enjoying time with Dad." Plus recently he's been telling me that he struggles with specific things about his Mum (very specific - so I know he's not making it up). Rather than criticising her or putting the boot in, I've been trying to get him to voice his feelings and then we talk about possible ways for him to help his Mum see that he needs her to change. I've even offered to help by brokering the conversation but he said he knows that she'll just argue with anything I say (which is true). Never-the-less, I do what I can to help support him with building a healthy and happy relationship with his Mum, now that he sees through her behaviour. You can bet the same can't be said for her attitude towards me otherwise I would have heard from him by now. She clearly just wants to fight with me, treats our son like a possession and becomes entrenched. To the point that the moment he turned 16 she refused to meet at the usual handover point (of about 10 years) and insisted that I put our son on a train - even though she had told him that he needed to change trains on his journey BUT DID NOT TELL HIM WHERE OR WHEN! All just to save herself 15 minutes' driving. And because "the Parenting Order's over now so I don't have to do anything" ... And some people think I'm crazy and get overwhelmed when I tell them about what's going on. But the reality is it's NOT ME who's overwhelming - it's the amount of evidence of her behaviour that's overwhelming. But in today's increasingly more passive-aggressive society it feels like I'm continually on the receiving end of "victim-blaming" with people associating "overwhelming" with me rather than with her actions. Does this sound like the kind of manipulation you would expect from a Covert Narcissist? Or is it something else? Friends who are Psych Nurses and Psychotherapists have suggested Emotionally Unregulated Personality Disorder. Whatever it is, she's a nightmare.
Thank you lise. Your constant effort to provide education on narcissism provides much vindication to so many people who have suffered psychologically at the hands of toxic unhealthy people. For me the gaslighting was the tip over to start scrutinizing and crtiticaly evaluate my relationship. Trust your gut and intuition folks.
My soon to be ex-wife is just like this. I took her abuse for 8 years and now I am taking my life back. I filed for divorce and she wouldn't leave. So I got my power back from her cause I left my own house and Now she's so mad at me!
