"One of the reasons my parents divorced when I was 4 was arguments and fights over why and where my mom was going to work after we were born because my dad refused to let her stay home or work part time with twins. It's heartbreaking to think that everything my sister and I went through with divorced parents may have been resolved if my mom was allowed to stay with us." - a listener
So the Dad is to blame again? What if her Mom made the best of it and was happy. I bet the family would have survived then too. If she became satisfied with her choices and circumstances, put her kids first as best she could, they also live happily ever after.............................................
@@rollotomassi2009 What? Did you even read the comment properly? The first three years in babies lives are very important and if the mother is forced to work that means the kids highly likely went to daycare. Daycare alone creates a ton of mental health and behaviour problems for young children. If it’s true that the dad forced the mom to work even when she was willing to stay home or work part time then he isn’t a good man! I love the Red Pill community but I can’t stand to see when men refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions and mistakes. I’m married to a great man who would never blame his own mistakes in the past on the woman when they clearly were HIS choices.
@@PeterNolan-009 And if it wasn’t, then what? If the man was the one in the wrong should we just ignore that? I’m all for holding modern women and single mothers accountable, but that doesn’t mean we no longer need to hold men accountable for THEIR mistakes.
@@thefuturista7836 you can't say that someone is good or bad without revealing your own flawed character. Also there is no shortage of men taking responsibility but there is a lack of accountability for women. Your a shallow person for trying to deflect the conversation. We will pray for your poor husband. The reality is both partners have to work all the time in the modern world. Otherwise woman will only qualify a very small number of economically viable men who have many options for mating. You want traditional values on the men and no rules or accountability on women. The premise of the post is to "Conivince men" of the value of motherhood. Uhhhh what?? Are you all automatically valuable by birthing? If so are you can only then be valuable to the man who's children you have born. This view is contorted when you view any other piece beside "provision" of the ladies. It is very plain to see in 2023.
@@PeterNolan-009so you think the mother should have gone to work and left the newborn twins in daycare? I will always side with the man if he’s in support of his wife staying home to raise the kids. Many women refuse to raise their kids and rather have a career and shove their kids off to someone else to raise. In this situation, the dad wanted his newborn babies in daycare. Not ok.
My ex stayed home with our children for their entire childhood. As a blue collar worker, I saw it as a true sign of success. Our daughters are the best young adults ever, because of this.
This issue needs to be brought up BEFORE the couple gets married. It is a huge issue that many couples do not address while they are dating. Once you are married, stay married. Divorce is horrible for everyone involved, husband, wife, and children. Ladies, why do you want a second shift? Women are fighting to have a career but men are not fighting to do laundry, wash dishes, etc etc. All the working moms complain about how stressed they always are. Stay home and be happy. It doesn’t make you less of a person. I have a masters degree and chose to stay home. We are more limited financially but I’ve never been happier in my marriage. Money can’t buy peace.
She addressed this. Many couples have this idea it will be easy and ok for mom to go back to work and realize that is not the case. People change their minds and learn new things. Take breastfeeding and pumping for example, so many women assume it will come easily to them and it's not always the case.
My 92 year old grandpa told me if I wanted to stay home to have more kids. I did. Our family got big enough and with a big enough spread in children it became impractical for me to even think of going back into the workforce. 20 years later he is so, so thankful I stayed home. It is almost like it was his idea. He is so happy with the way our kids are turning out and our happy family. I miss my grandpa so much. He was just very practical in his advice. Not for everyone but worked for us.
I am blessed my husband told me I'd be staying home after the baby was born and through their school years. I offered to go back to work to help with costs. "No, I want you to be available for them."
I’ve always been the homemaker. When I got pregnant, I negotiated. I told my husband that half of all of the house work would be his responsibility, if I had to work full time. He took a hard pass on that one and is now very thankful that I stay home with the babies and home school ❤
My husband really resisted me staying home with our second child years ago. His mom had always worked outside the home so it seemed normal to him, plus he wanted the extra income. With our first, I went back to work when our son was 18 months. We faught a lot over it with our 2nd as I could see the damage done with our 1st. In the end I stayed home with her until she was 4 (NOT an easy battle won!). Over the years he could see the difference in our children behaviorally, academically, emotionally etc, and by the time our 3rd came along (huge age gap) he was far more open to me staying home. I still work (very pt from home) but now that I'm pregnant with our 4th he's all in with me being a full SAHM. I tried all these tactics in the past. Although I was willing to live on less he simply wasn't. He wasn't having it, not until he saw the need for mom at home himself and realized it was possible to live off one income years later. Hang in there ladies. It only took 17 years to fully convince him LOL.
That’s so sad that damage had to be done to the oldest child before your husband changed his mind. At the same time I understand where he’s coming from when he saw his own mom work outside of the home. I think our culture also brainwashed men to think that their wives should work. It’s only when they are forced to face the damage that will be done to the children that they can change their minds. I discuss everything I learn about early childhood development and the damaging effects of daycare with my husband. I present my husband with all the facts and statistics I learn and then it became natural for him to want me to stay home. My husband loves our daughter very much and once he learned about the negative effects of daycare he naturally didn’t want to send her to a place that would damage her. I think us wives need to take on the role of educating our husbands in early childhood development etc. so that the husbands understand the seriousness of their choices. I think most husbands who want their children to go to daycare have no idea how damaging daycare is for children under the age of three. Most husbands won’t take the time to read a book on child development so it’s our responsibility as wives to educate our husbands on the realities surrounding brain development during the first three years of children’s lives. Women might want to stay home because instinctively they know that’s best for the child. A father doesn’t have the mother’s instinct so he needs to be presented with the facts. If a father still wants to send his kids to daycare after he’s been presented with the facts then he’s probably just selfish. I’m guessing most fathers love their children very much and want what’s best for them, they just have no idea how damaging daycare is for young children.
@@thefuturista7836 I wish I had also understood back then all the developmental damage that could be done. We were only 19 when our oldest was born. But as a mother I noticed the negative effects more than he did and didn't want to do the same thing with our 2nd child, I just didn't have the language and data to explain why in my gut I knew it wasn't the best choice.
😂 I’m so glad it worked out for you. My husband wants me to go to work but I’m sticking to my guns. I saw how much staying home w my first until 3 impacted her positively. I wanted her home until 4 but dad said no 😒😩
Ironically this topic would be very good for high school seniors to hear. It may seem off base at the time but this is very good information to consider BEFORE getting married and having children.
My husband has been very supportive with me staying home thus far. My child is now 1 though and he seems pressured for me to start bringing an income but I want to be a SAHM for at least 3 years. Thank you for covering this topic.
It’s harder then EVER on our men. What I did was start a home business. Bring in an income just allow it to be from the home. You can do arts/crafts. You can do some type of telephone/telemarketing job where you can direct callers to the proper lines. A women I knew started a business that included her children called Stroller Strong Moms. Which is now nation wife with at least 5 companies abroad. Some SAHM have done this and been so successful they have retired their husbands & can now both spend their lives raising their children. Another VERY lucrative endeavor is a daycare. I mean there are SOOO many things you can do to help take the knee of his neck so to speak. I mean being at home with our families is such a blessing. I think they KNOW that & TRULY WANT to be taking it in. It’s simply not possible. I don’t know ANY men that would pressure a women to go to work while they have a tennis court & pool house in the backyard. The economy is so bad that it’s not doable. If not I’m sure he would be willing to switch places while you work. 😅 My best suggestion -> Get ahead of this problem before it starts. Do not not because your pressured by him but because you were grateful for the space & opportunity. Because you want to show him that his faith in you was well put. That even though you are home you are still trying to make it easier in the both of you. Not only will my husband be able to retire nearly 20 yrs before he would have, we were able to afford family vacations, private schooling & extracurricular activities. We were able to include him in the things he loves, so he did not have to sacrifice ALL hobbies & aspirations taking care of us. When he gets sick he isn’t pressured into making sure he went. We were able to make savings accounts for our childrens futures ALL which would have been impossible without my home business. 1 yr olds sleep like 11-14 hrs a day. THEN around 2-3 they go to preschool for another almost 7 hrs per day. You got this!!! 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
For me, it took a few months of me using Susanne’s lovely talking points and him dealing with a newborn while I worked nights at UPS and him having to go to work in the mornings while he’s also in school to convince him. He really saw how important it is for mommy to be there because our newborn wasn’t getting good sleep with my husband and would want to be held all night😂❤️ we have 2 babies under two so it made sense for us. Plus we’re not in a ton of debt and living modestly. Thanks Susanne! We all are much happier
My ex husband HATED me being a stay at home mom. I did it anyway because I knew the advantages and consequences on our daughter if I didn’t. I stayed at home for 4 years. We ended up divorcing. I’d do it all over again. Edit: the reason he wanted me to be in the workforce was because his mom was a full-time working mom with four children. They all went to daycare while she worked full-time in a factory. She also had cancer the entire time while also dealing with all of that. My ex father-in-lawdid not make enough money and did not want her to stay at home. She ended up passing away when my husband was 12 years old. I refused to be sacrificed just like my mother-in-law was.
That is terribly sad. Im so grateful that my husband WANTS me to stay home. I honestly think that we are financially better off for it. I can homeschool our kids, plan our meals, cook from scratch and really focus on being frugal. We aren't poor, but we stay out of debt and really plan for the future which means saying no to a lot of things. But we know have a seven month emergency fund as well as several thousands in a separate saving. He and I being able to full focus on our own jobs allows us to save so much! Sorry for the book! lol People just think you must be poor or extremely rich if a wife stays home with the kids.
I am jealous of any man with this problem. I wish my wife saw the value in staying home, but she wants her career. I have 2 sisters who are also ready to go back to work, and i wish they would wait a few more years for their children's sake as well.
I am sorry for this. Young women's maternal instincts are largely squashed by our culture in the US, whereas they should be nurtured and encouraged. If young mothers have tears run down their faces because they just dropped their six-week old infants at day care for the first time, they are told to toughen up. We older women who were SAHMs need to encourage young women to mother and care for their own children in their own homes and provide practical support for them to do so. Those women who worked instead of raising their children can share their stories of regret with them at having done so; perhaps they will learn wisdom from their bitter experiences. Children are precious, vulnerable, and entrusted by God to parents who are to love and care for them. The active parenting years pass quickly; it is wise to make the most of them.
I've heard that the reason men encourage their wives to work and make good money is because if they split up (and today that's pretty likely) the more money she earns the less he'll have to pay in the divorce settlement.
Yep. The "family" courts (such misnaming) are brutally stacked against fathers (ask me how i know...) and I always wonder where all the equality feminists are on this topic. It's almost like they want equality where they feel disadvantaged but to lock in the areas where they are advantaged.
I am grateful that we paid off student debt and determined to live on one income (my husband's) before children came along. We lived in a small home, my husband used public transportation, and I shopped mostly thrift or consignment stores. Our children napped in their own cribs, played with their own toys, and received my undivided attention. We were able to homeschool, too--an added privilege and blessing. We are empty nesters now. I would do it all again if I could, but life doesn't work that way. Now, I encourage young couples to prioritize their marriage and children (spelled T-I-M-E), practice contentment and frugality, and grow old without the regrets of those who gave their children to others to be cared for and/or grew apart (or divorced) instead of together because of chasing things (nicer homes or cars, vacations, worldly accolades, etc.)
I think you are 100% correct in the cost cutting. She needs to show that the amount she can save plus eliminating daycare can at least break even. Also if he comes home to good home cooked meals on a regular basis it will make up for a lot. I felt like a king when I could come home to a hot meal and a clean house. Not knowing their professions and skills I cannot make side income suggestions. But I can say my mother made thousands of dollars making Christmas, Easter, and Halloween decorations.
Not only do I remember, but in the 1960s, Indiana had a law that any woman with a child under age 1 in her home wa not allowed to work as a teacher. My late mom, a teacher, told me about it. By the 1970s, it was gone.
1. Intentionality. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. 2. We had 5 years of 2 incomes, then had our first daughter. We had a small emergency fund. We had planned our budget and lived on one salary BEFORE we had kids. We lived on love, beans, and rice. Now our kids are 17 and 21, the oldest just started her first teaching job. 3. Dave Ramsey… 4. We did without and sacrificed, not so common these days. My wife often says that those who her favorite 7 years, she went back to work when the youngest started school.
Sue and I made this decision 42 years ago. We would both agree that it was one of the best things we ever did for our family. She loved staying home being there for our 3 boys. She has a masters in business education and worked for a while at night, but very early gave that up. To be fair I had a very successful career. So, money is a reality. We now have 3 daughter in laws and 8 grandchildren. One of them, has decided to stay home with her 3 babies. The other 2 work-one full time one part time. All three family’s the husbands are the primary “breadwinner”. In the end each of us has to decide what you want and what’s important to your respective family’s.
Thank you Suzanne for your work. Please keep spreading the message. As a Rapid Transformational Therapist, I have many clients who are now grown-ups, but did not have their parents (especially their moms) around growing up. The learned to feel "unworthy" and "unloved". The trail of hurt this causes in their lives until they find me, with their partners, jobs, self-care, etc. is so significant! The needs of the child do not get enough attention.
@@snowplow7883 You are correct, fathers play an absolutely crucial role in the development of children. Nothing beats a loving, nurturing home. We must always remember: No matter what happens, children never stop loving their parents. They stop loving themselves.
@@kc6810 children do best when they have a loving mom and dad… the child needs both… its sad that you can’t accept a positive observation about men… and their role in developing healthy children.
I am SO blessed that I never had to worry about this. My husband was homeschooled and we talked about me staying home/working from home part time as I can once we have kids. I was the one who brought this question to him after thinking about it all clearly, wondering what it would require for the full 18 years. He even said he would be willing to be a stay at home dad if it made financial sense. This was in the first couple months of dating. He also asked me before even becoming official if I’d homeschool with him.
Most men would be ELATED to stay at home with their children while we worked. We simply never give them the opportunity. Having even a part time job helps SIGNIFICANTLY. 👏🏼👏🏼 You did the right thing.
Great advice in this video. I have more to add as someone who divorced because of Ex's pressure on me as a stay-at-home mom. We homeschooled too. (I was able to continue this after divorce. Worked 24-hours on weekend while kids were with their dad on weekends.) We agreed to my staying home until school age; but I also thought I could do it all at home at the time, I didn't know we'd homeschool, and I didn't realize the impact of being married to a dissociative, emotionally-unaware husband. Unless you are already great at grocery shopping, and you already cook and clean for your husband, I suggest not making any promises about this to your husband as a way to sell the idea of staying at home. My husband and I did everything ourselves (though spent lots of time together) for ourselves. I'm much more low key about caring about fancy meals than he was. Once I had kids, my husband expected me to do it all for him in addition to attachment parenting. I really wanted to be able to but I couldn't manage it. Secondly, I wouldn't promise a happy wife. I myself was super overwhelmed, and without my husband's emotional support (he's not emotionally aware, and we didn't have an emotionally attached kind of relationship), he saw me as miserable. I also didn't have family of origin to count on. Third, I will assume the worst here: To me, a man who doesn't want his wife to stay home isn't a man who is emotionally protective nor does he hold the relationship and family very sacred (probably because of his upbringing which he likely thinks is perfect--dissociative, detached). So don't expect much on this front. Here's my advice, things I wish I would have done: Think of yourself as the horse whisperer (family whisperer) in regards to your husband. Don't try to convince your husband by yourself. That just sets you up for a lot of misery and will likely affect you more than you think. Find a male counselor who is an advocate of women staying home. And go to couple's counseling. (My ex would not go to counseling.) But I just wouldn't expect husband to get on board with this issue (see above). Instead, distract him. Force it if you have to. (I should have done these things, hindsight.) You and the kids greet him happily at the door whenever he comes home (so he feels important and appreciated). Do not talk about emotional topics with him (or else, just not about the challenges of child rearing). Do not complain about how hard it is. (Find a counselor, life coach, an understanding friend, or all of the above, for emotional support on staying home. Or talk aloud to yourself if you don't have these support people. Pray a lot.) Initiate affection and sex as much as you can. (Again, force it if you have to. Remember: family whisperer) Express gratitude to your husband as much as you can (family whisperer). Even with the kids around, make at-home date times, so your husband feels important (I think a lot of men get jealous of the mother-child bonds). Play cards at the table, play lawn games, watch a movie in living room with popcorn, etc. If dinner is hard for you like it was for me, figure out inexpensive and easy ways to get something/anything on the table and eat together. If you have a picky husband like I did, just fake it. Light candles, use nice dishes, act like you don't even notice the food isn't that great. If he complains, just say, "Oh, I'm sorry about that." Don't give excuses, just authentically say you're sorry and then change subject (because you probably are sorry you can't manage more, but no need to beat yourself up for it). (Family whisperer). If the house is a mess, put things in piles. At least have one area or one room (the dining room?) always picked up. Keep that area/room the focus when husband comes home. Teach the kids to join you (it's fun to be part of a team and feel valuable) in putting things in piles (or away, ideally) starting when they can crawl. Find homeschooling or neighborhood girls who want to be your personal assistant for a little bit of money. Have her bake with the kids, read them stories, run laps in the yard, or something fun and educational like that. EDITED to add: Don't correct or critique husband's parenting (unless there are moral and ethical concerns). Foster any sort of bonding with the kids that you can in a non patronizing way. Express admiration for the way he parents. (Remember: family whisperer). EDITED to add: Trying to get your husband on board with issues just puts a target on your back and forces you into feeling like you're on trial all the time. Unplug from that drama and get content with your decision within yourself (likely he will latch onto any internal or subconscious guilt you feel, so do the healing work required). Trust yourself. Be your own best friend. Be your own cheerleader. Be calm. Move slowly. And don't try to prove anything to anyone. Your brain will not turn to mush (make lists instead of distracting yourself with big intellectual projects which just makes child rearing less enjoyable, and turns yourself into someone you don't want to be, based on my personal experience). This time does not last forever and you never get a re-do.
EDITED to add: Don't correct or critique husband's parenting (unless there are moral and ethical concerns). Foster any sort of bonding with the kids that you can in a non patronizing way. Express admiration for the way he parents. (Remember: family whisperer) Trying to get your husband on board with issues just puts a target on your back and forces you into feeling like you're on trial all the time. Unplug from that drama and get content with your decision within yourself (likely he will latch onto any internal or subconscious guilt you feel, so do the healing work required).
@@coach_amyyo wtf. This is terrible advice to become a doormat and exhaust yourself. Why do all this for that type of husband? This is why so many marriages are collapsing, men feel they can blame women for being 'crazy' while they do this.
Sometimes the math itself can be a compelling argument. Increased costs of working, especially daycare alone, can cancel out a wife’s income by the end of the year. By carefully calculating all the work-related costs, including taxes, travel, clothing and incidentals, the net difference between paid employment and staying home can be an argument in its own right. My biggest friend was a pencil and paper at the end of the day.
Right! How many families suffer because mom is employed--what a shock to realize that all of that additional stress and children being deprived of their mothers, in the end, nets little to nothing money-wise! For some, it may actually be costing them more than what mom earns for her to work.
I talk to men about this topic so early, like within 2 months of dating. I notice most men seem uncomfortable with it. It’s important that they grew up with a mother who was valued. Also the main thing is that a lot of men are just not earning or ambitious.
It isn't a financial sacrifice people assume. I was a housewife for over 20 years, and had I worked outside the home?...we would have needed a nanny, another car for me, clothes, more convenience foods/meals out....
@@wyleecoyotee4252 when you factor in the long term consequences of outsourcing parenting on the wellbeing of the children and the family as a whole, it's more cost effective to do it yourself.
@@wyleecoyotee4252 I'm a highly educated woman who had a large income...and I chose to stay home with my children because there is no price that can replace motherhood.
Being a SAHM was a non-negotiable for me, the deal was that we’d live off of 1 income before kids and save the other. I’d be a SAHM until they are in full time school which is when I’d work part time. I made the point that raising kids and house keeping for a family is a full time job and I’m not willing to do that as well as a full time job. Were both still a bit worried about finances long term with min 4yrs out of the work force but know that we are very fortunate to know that we can survive without my income.
I'm a retired Daycare/Kindergarten teacher. I spent a great deal of energy trying to protect kids from cruel co-teachers. Beware of the p.r. teachers. They are the norm. I also tried to protect gentle souls from aggressive ones. A child needs one-on-one care. Creativity and imagination are sacrificed in daycare. Why would anyone ever institutionalize a helpless child? My academic parents were very ashamed of me. I was very poor. At 71, I would not exchange my meaningful relationships with "my kids" for all the gold in the world.
Actually, this message is from Laurie. I waited 'til my fifties until God sent me a truly good man. If I am always smiling, it's partly because of being grateful that "my kids" enriched my life. Don't buy into the woke feminist pure evil lies and propaganda. You can never get those amazing early childhood years back.
I am an RN and I work weekends and some holidays and I make almost 6 figures working 18 hours a week when my husband is home. It’s perfect. But I stayed home with my kids from their births until my youngest was 4. So grateful I was able to and chose to. During those years it was leaner but we were very happy and calm.
Unfortunately I can’t live near family. Our only option would be to live near our in-laws and my FIL is completely unsupportive of me being a SAHM and thinks I should work bc that’s what his wife and and what his mother did. Luckily my husband actually prefers I stay home. My husband was the black sheep in his family.
thank you for sharing such a transparent take on this topic. our popular culture dismisses SAHMs. and the trad cosplayers on IG and tik Tok completely ignore the fact that some of us have realistic financial stress. it's very hard for young women like me to find real insight like yours. You've earned a new subscriber.
Gosh that is such a great way to describe them, cosplay trad wives. They clearly aren't struggling that's for sure! Best bet is NEVER even getting on IG or tik tok.
You know we never discussed this before marriage because well frankly I wasn’t even thinking about kids! I see how foolish that was not to even discuss this but God is so gracious in growing both of us and for seeing the value of me being home with our children. I quit my FT job when I had our firstborn and have been home with my children ever since! It is a huge blessing and of course the best work I can do as a mother!
My fiance and I are millennials and taking pre marriage classes. Its been so helpful. But your videos have given me so much clarity on how to articulate how I feel. I do want to stay home with my children while they're young and Im expressing this to him before we have kids. We have been discussing when Im pregnant and that I dont want to be a "boss babe". He's been on board and we are planning now how we can work on one income. Im so grateful
I have spent a year home now. I quit a good paying job to stay home with a third rainbow baby. I spent the last year sick and having surgeries to fix what birth changed this time. I couldn’t have returned to the job I had with the symptoms I’ve had. We live modestly on his income and he wasn’t convinced at first that we could do it. I do have a part time/online business.
Suzanne is right that men care most about the finances: Both having enough and having a wife who genuinely feels 1 income is sufficient and grateful for that income level. Solving that simply means the stay at home option is possible, but it’s still not ideal from a man’s perspective. The wife needs to take the house management off his plate too. Once the infant sleeps through the night, cooking, shopping and cleaning must come off his plate. Your husband will still need to do yard maintenance and house maintenance. He will also help with children on weekends. But if you don’t lighten his load in return for going to one income, he will feel cheated. If you do lighten his load, he will value you above your weight in gold.
I think the main thing is to educate your husband about the facts surrounding early childhood development and the negative impact of daycare on young children. It’s not easy to have to lower your standard of living so there has to be a strong motivation to make the change. My husband was okay with me staying home since we had our first baby but he didn’t exactly love the idea. Once I started educating myself on early childhood development and how daycare affects young children’s development negatively I shared everything I learned with my husband. It wasn’t before my husband learned the facts and statistics that he became very grateful that I want to stay home. My husband went from tolerating me staying home to becoming very appreciative and grateful that I stay home. Knowledge is key because we’ve all been sold so many lies by feminism and our culture. It’s only when you understand how the mother’s absence will negatively affect the mental health of the infant that it becomes very motivating to make the radical lifestyle change for both husband and wife.
Honestly, I'm sure most men are nervous about it because then they are the sole providers....which can 100% be a scary thing. My husband has expressed to me how he loves me and our kiddos and how he sometimes struggles with the weight of being the sole provider and how he's scared he won't measure up. I always reassure him of capabilities and when I imagine having to be the sole provider I can see how it looks and feels like a daunting tasks. Especially in our economy. I think men want to provide their families with as luxurious and worry-some free life as much as possible and that can be hard to do when it's all up to him. So I can see where some of these men are coming from and I think it'd be very important for them to express their fears and worrys to their wives and to have a meaningful conversation about the topic before making any decisions.
Ji started my business 5 yrars ago. Its going well. My wife works part time and till the economy went to hell we were doing fine right on target. But now its harder I have to work even more and we seem to come up short more and more often. That said we still intend to have her do no more than part time work and ill do what i have to. The plan is to not have her work past this winter. With four kids its important to have the mother home. If we go without so be it.
If you go into a marriage planning for what to do in the event it ends in divorce, then you don't really want to be married and you probably shouldn't be. That seed being planted in the back of your mind and making financial decisions with that mindset is a surefire way for your marriage to end in divorce. Your focus is on finances, not relationships, which is short-sighted. Like Suzie Orman says, "People first, then money, then things." This mindset doesn't even involve people because you are only thinking about covering your own behind and not considering what is best for your children. The only person coming first is yourself and that is narcissism. I think the most influential women in the workforce are the ones who stayed home to raise their children and run their household. That skillset is VERY valuable. Plus, there has never been a better time in history for a SAHM to work part time from home or to get an advanced education from home and gain more skills from home to prepare herself for entering the workforce once the children are grown or in the event of a divorce, etc. At the end of the day, living on one income and having mom stay at home to raise the kids requires a change in mindset because it is a change in lifestyle. It is LIFE changing. You just can't have a doomsday mentality and excpect to live a charmed life. Our actions are not divorced from our thoughts.
As a man, I loved being the provider and allowing my wife to be a SAHM. Moms, you need to understand that that is also a very stressful position for a man to be in and ensure you show gratitude and appreciation for his sacrifice. Yes, theres a lot of work in being a SAHM, but there are also rewards and joys he doesnt get to have working a 50-hour week.
They never talk about if a woman decide to leave the man and she was a stay home mom, the man will lose everything. It’s true that it is better for the child to have a stay home mom but with the divorce rate over 55% it can be very scary for the man.
She is super convenient about that avoiding that point. And she leans on the whole miraculous change in feelings that she says woman go through after birth. Now you need to just convince your husband you are right and he needs to remap life. Of course that conversation is an emotional sledgehammer and she is going to shame the crap out of you for not being a real man that thinks this way. Your such a wimp for making her work now. She wants to stop doing brain surgeries and you should pay off her med school debt now. Her and the kid have a playdate, off to work bozo.
Btw the divorce rate USED to be closer to that number. Now it’s 39% with the younger generation because we don’t shotgun marry a man or marry the first slop that comes across our plates. Nor divorce over petty things like you are are explaining. 💀 Imagine destroying your entire family and putting your children on the chopping block to higher likelihood of depression, criminal activity, not graduating high school, having children out of wedlock, drug abuse, having unprotected intimacy, or any of the other multitude of issues that come along with a divorce. All because you don’t want to work. Then you’ll still have to work anyway AND have the child/ren nearly every moment.
FUNNY TO HEAR THIS NOW AFTER MY FATHER TOLD ME ALL MY LIFE -THAT NOBODY IS GONNNA WANT ME NO MAN IS GONNA TAKE ME INCULDING HIM IF I DONT WORK!!!!!!!!!!! men should never have say in things that are not in thier nature ,instincs and hormones
My husband had a mother who was gone from sun up to sun down. He had a few stable nanny figures. He was very happy and thankful and supportive of my wanting to be with our children when the time came. However, we aren’t spenders like the majority of new parents today. It was a very simple switch for us. We just had less savings coming in. But the fact that we were frugal while dating and in marriage meant we had a lot between us when I left work. No one thinks ahead.
I never knew the importance of being a SAHM until recently! Until having my second child, my daughter. I was a SAHM for my son for 11 months before I freaked out and applied for a job. I thought I needed to use my degree and now. I’ve been at that same job since for 2.5 years and since going back to work when my daughter was 10 weeks. I’ve been MISERABLE! We racked up debt during an unpaid maternity leave (financially illiterate) and our goal is to squash that before I quit. I honestly hope I’m fired because I’m struggling so much.
How do you get your husband to see the value in you staying home? Easy. You deliver the goods. Show him what it’s like for him to not have to do house work anymore. Show him what it’s like for him to be able to rely on you fulfilling all of those obligations. Show him how much better life is if you stay home.
Sooo fall back on your duties to “make a point?” -> How about if your husband is ADAMANT you need to work it’s probably because he is struggling DESPERATELY. No man tells his wife he needs financial support unless he feels he is drowning under the circumstances of being a sole breadwinner. How about -> listen to HIS concerns. Perhaps so what I did & WORK FROM HOME so that you can BOTH have what you want & you can not be suffocating under the pressure. Not only this but do women really WANT to work a man into an early grave? Don’t we want to retire him early so we can have more time at the end of life? Leave some breathing room so you can take MUCH needed vacations or not be worried about a Dr/Hospital visit bankrupting you so he never gets issues checked out?
100%. Regularly home cooked meals, reasonably clean home, errands taken care of, well behaved children, frequent sex, and a peaceful, calm wife. That is how I did it. My husband has never cooked dinner, cleaned a bathroom, bathed children, grocery shopped & has only washed dishes 2xs (after 20 years of marriage) when I was ill last year. He comes home to an awesome dinner most of the time & can just open drawers & find clean clothes. I make his lunch & coffee every morning & we have two AWESOME kids that everyone loves to have around.
@@SamanthaP48 Women working at home should be putting in just as much effort as the man going out to a job, so no one is talking about working a man into an early grave. As a matter of fact, childbearing has as much risk of an early 'grave' as working. I actually work 'harder' than my husband much of the time (& that is not to say that he doesn't work hard). I do alot of physical tasks & run our small farm while he is at work. I am NOT sitting on the couch playing patty cake with the kiddies all day long. My husband regularly worked 12-14 hour days, but knew without a doubt that I was putting in just as many hours & while he could clock out of his job....I never could. I don't necessarily want my husband to 'retire early'....to do what? sit around & watch tv? My husband has NEVER spoken of 'suffocating under the pressure'. He took it as a challenge & a matter of his manhood that he could support us.Being able to stay home was the reward for all of those years that I carried kids, got up every 2 hours to nurse them, ran a household & a farm, and completely catered to my loving hubby to make his life pleasurable.
@@SamanthaP48 What was said was to double down on efforts in the SAH role and show the value in it, not fall back on duties! Show the value in it but working hard at it! I agree with the sentiment. But I also agree with your essential point that if he is adamant, it's could very well be because he is struggling. Good communication and acceptance of the reality is paramount. Some women do lean towards looking for the exit since divorce laws and even child support empower them depending on the man, and some men are problematic in their own way also. But the reality is this economy is an entire mess. I would try to live near my family and have my wife work at least part time after a point, maybe a work from home gig? Sitting at home is not really practical, regardless of the fact that having a mother at home is more beneficial to the children.
We paid off the mortgage, cut every expendable expense, and I’m currently considering selling my car and getting rid of my smart phone. Those last two moves will enable us to raise our grocery budget to something more comfortable. Worth it.
Luckily my husband and I are on the same page. We have 1 toddler and I work PT from home, while he looks after her. We're expecting another baby in the Spring and the thought of caring for them both while I work has firmly put him off me working at all 😅
What if a woman doesn’t have children approaching 40 wants to be a stay at home wife? The cooking, cleaning, yard care, organizing, and maintenance are all jobs. I refuse to do any of them with a man in the house if I am working full time. The full time job is mentally, and physically laboring enough, little alone adding a male to the house. That’s more food to plan to cook for, and clean up after.
I TRIED …ITS IMPOSSIBLE…..HE DOESNT VALUE NOTHING OF IT …PLUS HE TOLD ME TODAY AFTER MANY YEARS OF MARRIAGE THAT HE MARRIED ME BECAUSE HE FELT PITY AND WANTED TO RESCUE ME …HE BROUGHT ME IN CA FROM BUCHAREST …BUT HE NEVER MENTIONED THIS BEFORE MARRIAGE . I WILL GO BACK AND TELL ANY WOMAN WHAT WAS MY EXPERIENCE OF MARRYING AN AMERICAN MAN ….NEVER AGAIN .
I stayed home for as long as I could with my first until he was a little over 3. We didn't have a choice but to have me work when my second was 5 months old. It makes me sad my second didn't get the same experience. but covid let me work from home and my husband stayed home to care for kids. So at least i was home! but working lol
It’s amazing how we all spend so much time learning what women might possibly need or want in any given situation or circumstance, but I’m not even exactly sure what men want.
Hello Suzanne I love your podcast and your books. In Germany where Iive there is a strong tendency that has developed in recent years for mothers to return to the workplace as soon as possible. I just read a report about a professional female soccer player who returned to playing soccer soon after birth. What is your opinion on women doing "typically male sports" such as soccer, boxing etc. ? Perhaps you could do a podcast on that topic. Best wishes from Germany!
This is me though! We wanted to have a baby after we saved a down payment big enough that we could buy a house and live on my husbands income alone. But now I’m pregnant with our first 3 years early 😅 and still have $45k of husbands student loans.
@@TheSwissChalet it would take 6 times as long if I stayed home 😖 and probably 10 years to save a down payment. Husband makes $75k alone, I make the same.
An estimated 20,000 divorced men self-deleted last year alone. Wives, how about a prenup, etc. that you won’t abduct his children from him, and destroy him financially when you file for divorce leveraging your stay at home role for maximum alimony and child support?
Suzanne, love your content. I would love to do an interview with you going over the conversations that go on with my married clients considering having the wife stop working. We both have been interviewed by Alison Morrow, maybe she can moderate. As always, I agree on the importance of moms staying home to raise children. The positive outcomes for children are well documented. But, important husband / father concerns are again, not discussed in this video. Why? The main one being divorce is prevalent, so what would that look like when a mom stops working full time for many years? How do we safeguard the husband from future financial and father / child relationship ruin if he agrees to take such a huge risk of agreeing to let his wife stop working? The future financial and fathering risks to a man whose wife stops earning full time income are ENORMOUS. With a wife not earning income for many years, alimony and child support obligations will be substantial from the husband / father. Quite often divorced fathers whose wives did not work, cannot have equal parenting time as the amount of time they need to spend working to pay the child support and alimony obligations precludes that. Men are much more concerned about these catastrophes than having a reduced monthly income and reduced standard of living. I have never met a man in my 37 years experience, and counseling thousands of couples on these exact issues, ever air this concern. Most men that I work with understand the benefits of a mom staying home. But, as long as these real and most probable ruinous financial and parenting outcomes for men come as a result of having a stay-at-home wife / mom quit her job, there will be fewer women home with children, which is both of our ultimate goals.
Please add what happens to divorced men… homelessness, incarceration, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, job loss, self deletion… and what happens to children raised without their fathers…
You are so right. I worked as a financial advisor for years before becoming an elementary school teacher. I have seen what divorce does financially and emotionally to families. I find that alimony, here in Canada, in most circumstances is extremely unfair. It puts one parent in financial distress, and often, parents have equal shared custody. It is definitely scary times for the main breadwinner of a family.
And yet, whenever a woman considers becoming a SAHM, she's told she's being irresponsible because her husband could leave and with a gap in her resume she won't be able to get a job and won't be able to provide for her kids. I wish I knew what the solution is, but it's sad that men and women are so pitted against each other, each being told that marriage and family can't be prioritized, that the ultimate goal has to be setting themselves up to survive in a seemingly-inevitable divorce. Somehow we've got to start trusting each other again!
Well it is called sacrificing for your children. Men have done this for the whole of time where they take care of their families financially. Women were not physically built to provide for the family mother and care for the house that is absolutely wrong to expect a woman to do all that and burn herself out. Women sacrifice for family as well in different ways. If a man doesn’t want to provide for his own family he shouldn’t marry
“Planning” to divorce, like you suggest, is “planning” to fail. Do not get married, period, unless you are both 110% assuming it’s forever. Divorce is not an option. Even if you are not wildly happy every day, (you won’t be), you still stay married. You do not stray, and you do not walk out or give up. If you are not happy you figure out why, and work together to solve every problem. That is what marriage is. If your child doesn’t stop crying, you do not leave it on the side of the road and drive off. You have to deal with it for 18 years. Here’s the good news…there are plenty of resources to help you along the way…use them and STAY MARRIED.
"Success is the mother of invention" yeah, I bet Success stayed home with little baby Invention too! 😂😂 My husband sees how much our baby needs me; when I'm home (debt prevents me from staying home) I can get things like laundry and dishes done because baby is relaxed and ok to be at my feet or explore the room while im busy while with Dad hes so stressed im not there its all he can do to keep him calm. Its quite interesting.
I have to disagree very strongly on the "not what you earn" issue. IE I have done a study as part of a PhD research proposal and found that in some areas both parents are working and the rent has gone from 35% of their combined income to over 70%. They cant move away as one or the other would lose their job and even if a way round that was found childcare then becomes an issue as they would be away from family. This is far from being uncommon. In some areas of the country it's 30%+ that are in this situation
Every single married couple out there can figure out how to stay home with their children if they really want to. “High rent” is not an excuse. It’s a huge country (assuming USA), and you can move where rent is very affordable. People can create babysitting groups within local communities (church-based, or neighborhood-based, etc) to eliminate daycare. Cook from scratch, car-share, work from home, babysit other peoples children in your home, etc…where there’s a will, there’s a way. Most people just don’t want to do the hard work and life changes to make it happen.
All good practical points BUT the main change is that children should be seen as the ultimate WEALTH... 1-2 makes you millionaires... 4 gets you to decamillions... and as many as you can have gets you to billionaires What would you invest for such ROI?
The wife agreed to the 5 year plan. The husband knows their finances and probably can't afford it right now. I think a good compromise would be her working part time when they are financially ready.
I think this may be the option for my brother and sister in law. She makes a lot more money than he does. She does cover this topic. The divorce rates sky rocket when the woman makes more than the man. She becomes resentful. It's just not the way we were built biologically. It adds a layer of complication to the relationship.
Erica Komisar covers this topic in her book “Being There”. Women are biologically built different than men and have different hormones etc. that makes them more in tune with their babies and more aware of babies needs and cues. Women are biologically created to care for infants in ways that men aren’t. Fathers are very important but a father can’t replace a mother. Mothers are very important for the psychological development of babies the first three years. One example Erica Komisar mentioned is that the mother will wake up as soon as the baby cries while the father will usually sleep through the crying. If there’s a noise on the window it will make a man wake up (he’s built to protect the family from intruders) while the woman will sleep through the window noise. We’re just built very differently. Suzanne also has a podcast on the topic. She mentioned it will make the wife resentful over time and the husband emasculated. The couple’s sex life also suffers when the husband becomes a Stay at Home Dad. I guess there’s something about the physical attraction that goes away when the woman becomes the man’s provider.
Women will never want to live with less, eventually they will leave you because you don’t make enough. That is the number one reason why they divorce besides boredom.
nah. My husband is the one who always wants more 'goodies' & I would rather him work less & be more frugal. I think men play their hands early on in the relationship by showing off or caving to whims of their woman to win her over. Men need to put their foot down about expenditures. They need to tell their wives & kids no once in a while & be the leader of the financial health of their family, like they are supposed to be. And if more women were home & not making $ the husband would pretty much be in control of how much was coming in & where it was going out. they have just abdicated this responsibility by going along with the whole working mom thing to have more expendable income.
Grocery shopping, Story time at the library, taking the kiddos to the park to burn off some energy, etc. Tons to do outside, not just at home. Use your imagination.
This is why it is good to set the tone early on and not be a barbara-the-builder or pick-me-sha when you show up to date men. How it starts is usually how it finishes.
