Just an observation, sparked by your comment at 5:34, "Children will choose shame instead of blaming the parent." I realized, I do this at times with my workplace: I choose shame rather than holding my workplace accountable, or rather than mustering the heroics to actually leave. I'm 57, I've been an assembler at a plant for 17 years (BCS Automotive in Mn) Second shift, $17 p/hr), I lack a college degree. Anyway, I can only imagine how many low wage earners around the world can relate to this.🦉I just happened upon your channel, today, and I'm glad, I did.🌷I'll try to be balanced in my interaction, it's a challenge.☸☮🌌
My 12 year old grandaughter has been blaming herself for the trauma situation her mum caused. I tell her she is ,was a little child,Nothing is her fault, for her parents behaviour and choices. Make sure your self talk is kind and fun. Since the day you wer born everyone fell in love with you and you are the best little girl we could dream to have in our family. The barrier she has put up for 2 years,self arm ect are finally coming down:) your advise is fab. Thankyou;)
So sorry to hear about your granddaughter :( How wonderful she has you - grandparents can be incredibly important "internal resources" so it is wonderful you care and are involved with her. m
Support from others is important ❤ unfortunately some people like to go out of their way to make you feel worse. Even when they know you struggle. I dunno maybe they have their own issues. It's just difficult to know who cares. It can make a world of difference.
I used to wet the bed up and until I was around 7 years old. My Mum was a loving and kind Mum but back then we didn't have a washing machine so Mum had to wash my bed sheets by hand in the kitchen sink and then spin them out in the spin dryer and then somehow get them dry (we didn't have a tumble dryer). I really don't know how she managed all this and all the other work she had to do as well because when I was born as well as me she had an 18 month old, a 3 and a half year old, a 4 and half year old, a 9 year old, a 12 year old a 17 year old and a husband to take care of as well as all the other domestic duties. I love my Mum and I really don't know how she coped and I certainly do not blame her for feeling disappointed, frustrated and even angry that I was still wetting the bed at night what all the extra work this entailed for her. I think I have buried a lot of the shame memories surrounding this time as it is was very painful around this time in my life but as I type this I am tearing up as a memory has just surfaced of my mum angrily taking the wet sheet off my bed in the morning and how bad this made me feel to know I had been the cause of this. So now to my Little Self who lives inside of me I just want to say from the Adult Me to you I love you and it's not your fault. Please don't feel bad about yourself because Mum was angry - Mum still loves you. I am 56 years old and helping my Inner Child to heal his shame about wetting the bed by letting him feel the repressed shame whist I reassure, support and encourage him so as he can eventually let go of his shame.
Hi Roy: I'm am so, so sorry to hear this, and thank you for sharing. I think this could be helpful for others, as this is actually a common form of shame in men, as it is not unusual for young boys... And I hear your compassion and balanced view of your mom who was overwhelmed, - I think parents from that generation just didn't have the info they needed also... I have a video on the movie technique that might be helpful for healing: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-ElvdfmdSvpM.html I wish you health and healing
@@BarbaraHeffernan Thank you so very much, Barbara. I will be sure to watch your video tomorrow as I have found all your videos really helpful to me. My Mum was a very kind and loving Mum and I loved her so very much and especially when I was a young child and that is why it devastated me when she showed her frustration with me when changing my wet bed sheet. I really felt such a useless failure at that time but I know my Mum would never have wanted me to feel that way and my Adult Self is able to see that it wasn't my fault that I wet the bed but equally I do not blame my Mum for being so exasperated by all the work she had to do that she allowed me to see her frustration with me. My Adult Self knows that nobody is perfect - not even my much beloved Mum.
❤ 5:35 very true statement: children will choose Shame over blaming a parent. Sadly, it’s also true that a growth adult will choose Shame rather than blaming their parents 😔. Another true statement- you can’t MAKE that person see their parent is/was abusive/dysfunctional; they will defend their abusive parents and attack you.
I find it important to discover where this shame came from. If we do not do this, we will interpret as said in video in egocentric way - that we caused it. CBT is reinforcing this egocentric belief where social anxiety is explained as hallucination and self invention, not as social anxiety being caused by toxic people, abuse, mobbing and bullying. I see toxic shame stemming from being exposed to relentless criticism, micromanaging when our brain was forming. CBT denies that other people can cause damage to other people by talking, words, that actions and opinions can cause damage to others - CBT denies this. In reality, there is emotional contagion, people can be hypnotized and how we treat other people influences their self esteem of negative emotions if we are critical and invalidating.
I love how you say "I lived it once, do I really have to relive it over and over"! Very well put, and I think that could be helpful to others. Thank you for sharing and I wish you health and happiness!
You are welcome, and thank you for the video suggestion! I don't know what you mean by "rewind technique" so, lmk. Flash is for specific situations (it is EMDR), and brain spotting derived from it as well ...
I was born in the opposite gender... I come from a third world country where they hate people like me... I am also a foreigner, I was soooo ashamed of my life... My brothers are all profesional sports guys, all big and muscular(yet very abusive from narc family)... I guess on one hand, I didn t want to be abusive like them, on the other hand, I am very creative, so found through my feminity a total boost to create and design styles and fashion(mostly for myself).... That s how I really see it, yet shame, shameful people, societies, etc, manipulators would like to give it other flavors... Now, as you said, from a safer environment, I even mention(as much as I can), about my transgender past... At the beginning it tasted like poison, specially since after the gender reassignment surgery, your voice changes and you look totally normal... My covert narc mom was a hidden shame pusher... Out of my life... And all that toxic family... And reinventing life and waiting for less complicated people to occupied those places... Learning plenty about boundaries and realizing... Many people don t make sense in terms of their high expectations from others(total manipulators). Only yesterday, somebody fished me with one of my ads... Some people are just so unreasonable... My mind wants to loop as to not understanding what they really want... If they don t know from my past, but see I look pretty... They want to deal with me, but if suddenly my past is not what they expected... No, then you re not cool anymore... The advantage though is... They get out of my life faster... There is nothing wrong with my transgender past, perhaps, most certainly this person is just an idiot. Before I would change my past (with lies), to please the abusor in turn. Abusors are foolish people with strange expectations. I remember one stranger (abusor), who told me that I should be more high, my body should be so and so and so... 🤔💆♀️🙃... Is someone listening... How can you be taller, change your legs... Blabla... 😁... Some people are soo unreasonable and so on sick... And I didn t of
Great topic Barbara. Shame is such a double whammy - one has to experience the events that caused the shame, then one has to carry it around which impacts quality of life. Question for you - you talked about the importance of the alliance between therapist and client which is very important. Based on your experience, in what % of cases do you think that for someone starting with a therapist will there be that alliance? Is this is < 25%, 25-75%, or > 75% thing? I realize I put you on the spot. ;) Not looking for a formal declaration. Just your thoughts given your experience as both a therapist and trainer of therapists. Thank you. Big fan of your content!
hmmm... hard question. I sometimes suggest people "interview" therapists, same as you would for a contractor for a major job or as you would for hiring an employee... sometimes a free 20 min phone call is offered, or it may even be worth paying for a session. When I did therapy, sometimes I'd meet with someone who would tell me that I was one of three people they are meeting with and they'd let me know after they decide. I always thought that was a good idea.
When something is our fault, we can feel guilt, which is appropriate. Shame means I'm entirely useless and is much more pervasive. We are all human and we all make mistakes. I do think the two suggestions in this video are helpful, particularly when someone feels they "deserve" to feel shame... I wish you health and healing....
Your “stop rumination” video was extremely helpful, thank you so much. Please, if you offer a service where I might ask a question and you’d reply with anything- a link to helpful info or a brief reply? 👏🏼❤️
Hi Seth: So glad the video was helpful for you! I respond via YT comments, but can't offer specific advice via any social media or email... depends on the question - and I do try to provide resources if possible. Info on working with me is on my website www.awakenjoy.life . Wishing you well.
@@BarbaraHeffernan thks so much I will certainly visit- I’m 68, only very recently figured that it was from a very early age(6-7ish)that I’m super fearful of interacting with people. I only do so when absolutely necessary, the thought of making plans to do so causes me great anxiety that makes me ruminate endlessly. I won’t intrude any further, thanks so much for your videos!👏🏼❤️
Twenty years ago, I read some weird sex stuff online and ever since have felt the strongest force of shame coursing through my body and mind all day long. I was sexually abused 8 years before that when I was 12. I enjoyed it for the 15 minutes it lasted, but afterwards shame took over completely. Anyway, I believe that because my first sexual experience was weird, it made me want to read about other people's strange experiences.
So sorry to hear this..., yes, abuse can impact us in many different ways... hope this video was helpful, and healing is possible. Wishing you the best!
Why wouldn't people feel shamed. Our mental health culture has been stmatized for years. You can forget 12 step support groups. They are not properly organized. Issues arise and no one is qualified to make a educated assessment. Sorry in the past when I've tried sharing my concerns, it would be used against me. Also, just being vulnerable with others who you think are safe is not always the way to go. Chuck
