I've lost loads of friendships because I'll highlight an issue people aren't ready to hear. I never meant to be mean about it but I realised in my mid teens I realised I spotted things quicker than my peers, and out a desire to help I would point unspoken things out thinking no one else knew they existed but they obv did but just didn't want to hear it, for whatever reason
As a recruitment and hiring manager I masked for decades whilst interviewing people . Torturous small talk initially but I’d then spring “ my questions”. I wasn’t diagnosed until I jumped (thankfully ) off the corporate wheel. Watching this episode took me down a memory lane of seeing executives squirm or just stare at me trying to answer my neuro spicy questions . 😂😂😂😂😂
I am only 20minutes in and it's like you are telling me story, these words could be coming out of me. Thank You for finally making me feel seen, like I belong, that i AM NOT CRAZY. It's like my adhd has been masking for me hole life to protect my inner child from all of lifes dangers, while my inner child screamed to be let out, to live life & be amazing & do amazing things.. To be heard and for someone to see behind my ADHD mask. To pay enough attention to see that i was masking & that i wasn't ok. Getting diagnosed, finally finding my tribe, realising im not crazy & that mask finally,, slowly lifting is a traumatic 7 liberating experience. But you gotta have your people & safety net in place, cuz once that mask starts to life, all the shit come flood back & you gotta trust your people to hold your hand while you learn how to walk again xx Thank You
Wow! So fascinating hearing what the "neuro-beige" people's threshold is with surface level talk. In the past I interpreted their lack of in depth conversation to mean they are not interested or don't like me. So many light bulb moments. 💡
Diagnosed AuDHD here. Not long ago I realised this is their form of connecting, just like gossiping for example. It's meant to be about socially connecting rather than literal information exchange. I accepted that they are different just like I am from them, and now it's so much easier.
great speaker, great interviewer, and very helpful for a late self-diagnosed autistic adult with adhd like myself. i only just discovered the world of neurodiversity less than two months ago and am astounded by how many specific examples really overlap and hit home for me. i feel a bit lost with how to cope and i definitely feel fear or sadness of who i really might be underneath the stigma, shame, and self-hate. i often wonder if i'll be ok and will i still be employed and fit for independent life as i try to deal with this, but i really can't see myself going back or refusing to do it. also i strongly agree that extreme masking is definitely not the answer and pretending to be normal certainly hasn't worked so i need to change to find a better way
A lot of the discussion resonates with me. Especially the desire for deeper connection and communication. When you hide your authentic self for fear of rejection and you eventually show your’true colours’ eg. defending yourself or disagreeing it comes as a real shock to people. Who then abandon you. I think that is tragic as you are getting closer to authentic exchange.
I just had to make coffee on my fire pit last week when my electricity went out. Some day you may yet get to use that skill 😂. I want to thank you for your content. My friend sent me your short about women with ADHD because she thought it was something I needed to know. I am now freshly diagnosed at 47. It is making me feel better about who I am and the strange struggles I've dealt with forever. I'm pretty sure you helped change my future! Thank you!!!
@@polly1141right! Like she sound very proud of herself., I don't know this lady, 1st time I see her, not judging 😅but there are ppl out there who are neuro spicy and also toxic or with personality disorders, am just saying in general, not suggesting anything, only a thought came by...🙈😂 We all here love honest, direct conversations,& everyone can be themselves authentically as long as we don't lie too much, manipulate or harm one another 🙏🏼🫂💕
😂 love the neuro beige label. I call them grey blending in peeps where as I'm neuro spicy self recognised at age 50 pink/sparkly non blender. Realising my closest friends are most probably neuro spicy. ❤
If your cloths are a bit smelly with sitting wet for a few days, put a small splash of white vinegar on the clothes, say 2 tablespoons, it'll freshen them up and smell will be gone in 20 mins at most, we'll before they are dry
This felt like a short video because of how much I could relate and how seen I felt - thank you, thank you, thank you to the both of you! I am self-diagnosed AuDHD, I have 3 children under 7 and I really enjoyed listening to Dez talk about the family aspect and how the family dynamics are affected by neurodivergence. I’d love so much to share more but this was so good it’s now 2am here and I’ve ran out of fuel. Haha. I’ve come across and love your shorts Alex, this was the first long format video of yours I’ve watched - having seen your shorts I already knew this will be quality content! Thank you again.
Heart wrenching moment - ER nurse x almost 40 years and by society's standards, highly successful in the community - failed to see and support my daughter's beautiful neurodiversity and instilled shame in her. I am only beginning my healing journey and I hope to connect in an authentic and loving way with those I was meant to journey with in this lifetime. Just now pealing back my own layers of shame and confusion. Thank you Dez and Alex.
i remember when i hated small talk...but i realized u cant just be super deep all the time... like thats reserved for very close relationships.... and one cannot expect every one to be on that level with you....
I find it difficult to believe that people actually function on a small talk level but being new to realising I'm ADHD this shouldn't surprise me, it explains a few things.
@@yvonne3903So interesting as I was told oeet criteria for autism but I too can't stand small talk I couldn't for most my childhood in school or college and even at work!
Ive been binge watching this channel now for ages and every video has me glued. Thank you to all your guests and your self alex. I like how real the channel is. It's interesting and helpful even if to see people i can identify with. ⭐ 🥇
I've been in weekly therapy for 8 years for childhood trauma, and leaned more about myself and my weird behavior than all that therapy... In a couple of weeks on tiktok on subject of adhd and autism, then doing a deep diving down the same the rabbithole online.
45:13 „if there's things you don't like [about yourself] you haven't reached the core of you yet“ Wow . and thank you for being real about how hard the journey is! And thank you Alex, for yet another amazing, great, insightful, honest, open, caring, gentle interview!
I adored this video, and deeply related to most of it. Now I must say that it seems diagnotion is not a word, but I did look for it in case I am wrong.
Seriously, I will keep this video in my back pocket to short hand explain myself to people in the future, if needed, because Dez is so like me. Thank you.
Yes, I also noticed that. :-) the correct word is “diagnosis”. And espresso, not expresso. 😅❤ oh gosh, I feel awful for pointing that out but couldn’t help myself. Now I want to find out all there is to making one off the grid! Without having done any research, and based on my love for coffee, I guess I’d use a French press, put it on a flat, dry stone somehow suspended over a campfire. It’s gotta be dry, otherwise it will explode and ricochet all over like a shotgun!
@@trollsneedhugs True, and it wasn’t the only word she made up. It is (maybe unintentionally) funny, though. I mean the DSM IV, V…what number are we up to? They keep coming up with new disorders and retiring old ones, renaming them, re-categorizing them, etc. They do seem to be “notions” sometimes. We know what we go through; the people who do the categorizing and cubbyholing of our challenges are still so challenged themselves in finding ways to define us. 😆
It's a great word - think outside the box - who are the people who are allowed to make up words? Been in healthcare all my life and thought to myself - 'What a great word!!'🙂 Let's be curious and leave the judgement to someone who knows more than us mere humans.
Thoroughly enjoyed this conversation. I see so many similarities between myself and Dez and it solidifies my thoughts on having adhd myself. Totally agree with the buffet metaphor too. I've always described myself as a walking contradiction lol
Mothers of neurodivergent children talk about the ADHD/autistic Bluetooth connection as the unerring ability of diagnosed children to find each other as playmates. It works for adults too, evidently. I’ve experienced it myself. And looking back across the years I can see how the people I connected with were all either autistic or ADHD, even if the knowledge of such was absent at the time.
Oh, my biggest special interest the past decades have been figuring out what is "wrong" with me. Trying out all kinds of diets, ways of exercise, to figure out why I'm always going too far and exhaust myself in everything. Oh the irony, at 46 I'm diagnosed adhd... it was me digging in my own neurospicyness all along getting nowhere, only sick. 😢
I relate to the small talk thing. I always want to drop in a shocking comment to conversations to spice things up. However, I do not like the term "neuro-beige". It's egotistical and devisive and just a bit sh&t.
I think ive almost learnt to keep my mouth shut when 1) i think someone could be pregnant 🤐 2) i think someone's kid is neurodivergent and im 100%convinced 🤐 3) when i feel the need to over share 🤐 😂😂
Now I get why I clicked with this channel & you so well, Alex, we have similar special interests! Since childhood in the 90s, I've been SO into plants (which turned into herbalism/food as medicine around 2013) & Astronomy (which shifted to Astrology around 2018). I find both to be quite useful! Horoscopes are garbage, ture Astrology is a fascinatingly complex antient art & is proven by the natural world in amazing ways! I can't really info dump atm, but planitary hours, days, & years will blow your mind in how accurately the luminaries (sun, moon, & planets visible with the naked eye) effect the plants & animals, too. A basic example is that a flower of saturn will bloom on *Satur*day or a plant historically associated with the moon will bloom on *Mon*days. I love how I'm able to see these things thanks to pattern recognition! The way that EveRyThinG works together is just beautiful. I believe this recognition that my lifelong SI turned into is certainly useful!
I think it's more like based on personality rather than neurodivergency. I've seen it in both, and I've seen the absence of "no time passed" in neurospicy relationships too.
Wow... Pre diagnosis, I used to refer to most folks as normies, dull, no passion, shallow... And spent a lifetime inadvertently attracting and being attracted to NDs.... Did she just say Neuro-Spicy?
Is that why I know everyone i meet's life story, even if it's just a long bus journey. I didn't know that i was acting inappropriately. I have all the things you mentioned on my plate. I have just found out that I am ADHD.
I was told too that autistic girls oor women on the spectrum talking to other women not diagnosed as on the spectrum is difficult and I wasn't told why but this makes some sense
Wow. Even the drinking part lioe totally relates i never needed drink to speak or be comfortable but ne we lt eveyone else i kmow would need thr drink a bit
A few years before being diagnosed with adhd (at 46) ai gave up on all my rabbit holes. I suddenly realized none of it ever got me anywhere, I spent time by myself going into topics noone else cared about (tbh I rarely shared either) and I also discovered how I didn't remember ANYTHING a while after.... so what was the point. 😢 Now I'm diagnosed and see it all in a different light, but my rabbit holes are still very few and I actually miss it..
Well, fill your holes with knowledge abt how the real world works. Learn the BAJILLION THINGS you've deliberately avoided so far. 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ ...Learn them for a lifetime.
I had thought about my previous friendships that unfortunately fell apart they just would unmask U could say or fall apart but my partner and I we are never really arguing or anything and I believe now it could be because he is neurodiverse as I am too
I was getting bored watching this, then Neuro Baige got mentioned so funny, Then watching space videos and forget 99% so true for me, then learning plants "silent running" cool. my delay on anxiety can be days before I can processing how Ive been made to feel. So no one understands as I can't answer questions on thing's. The thing I am most scared of is if Autism is not a disability its a difference,,,,, which means No help for Autistics AND Neurotypical people can stay selfish and rule over people that struggle in boring life.
Because this tends to be a deep conversation nobody likes to talk about in day-to-day conversations, this video might be a major deciding factor for many people who suspect they have ADHD but can't talk to anyone about their symptoms, to seek professional help. Talking about natural remedies and implementing them in a family is impossible in most cases because for neurotypicals, this topic is just boring. You're lucky if you find someone who's willing to watch the whole thing as you probably did too.
But thats really interesting, that off grid espresso. Hand lever espresso machine and a solar boiler thingy. Grinding the beans wouldn't be a problem. (But, you have roasted beans?)
I wonder how she would feel if she didn't have a husband, kids or an abusive family system and struggling to just get by all on her own in this world financially, would she have the same PERSPECTIVE?? I feel part of her is very ignorant to understanding others who haven't been blessed with the things she has.
I dont think its helpful or healthy to create a hard boundary between the in-crowd and the out-crowd. Id like the ADHD chatter to address this concept and its moral and philosophical implications. I find the tone of this episode a strong colour in the picture being painted by the new ADHD/ND media flurry. Hypocrical challenge at 20.06 to ND labelling... the line drawn between ND/NT is the same toxic issue. To have a long list of traits does not make you a better person, all humans are worthy, every single one- even the 'boring' ones the "beige" ones. I find it sickening that this judgemental, mean attitude is being celebrated. I find the self satisfied cruel attitude showed on this video nauseating.
I absolutely agree. The term "neuro-beige is insulting and devisive. I am a PA who struggles with issues relating to executive function (ikr, bad career choice! 😂😂) and have had the pleasure of working with many people across the "neurodiversity" spectrum. The most wonderful and accepting (of my unusual skill-set) boss I had was "neurotypical", whatever the helll that now means. Honestly, being "neuro-"un"'-typical does not automatically grant you an "I'm an interesting person" pass. ADHD or no ADHD, if you're a humble, kind and interesting person it shines through, especially to those who work for you!!!!
Been thinking the same, meditation has helped me, but I had to start with just one deep breath. Now sometimes I can do 10 mins, but mostly 2-4 minutes. I'm looking for more relaxing things, although I wouldn't mind say 4 Adderall a month, or 1 a week, just to see what a quiet mind is like and know for sure what I'm working towards naturally
Hate the word masking, because in this video it's not the awful trauma self harm masking you just casually talk about, trauma masking is just a mental version of self cutting, something we need to really stop casually throwing around like it's no big deal. Life masking (Self harm) and being nice by not overpowering others is not the same thing and we should never ever talk about masking when we don't run over some timid person, by giving them a bit of space. Even normal people can easily run over someone timid.
small talk is an ick for me b/c it reminds me of the fake people I had to grow up around in a very pretentious environment. *SHUUDER* Do I do small talk? Well ya,, I have to for work yet I really don't like it all that much.
Dez Rock "was always enough"?? Silly title: she was always way too much! She can only be conversed with, by her own admission, in summaries of people's most hard-won conclusions, which she consumes greedily, because "she lives there". No wonder she's lost friends. Made 'em, but lost 'em. Clearly LEARNT NOT ENOUGH.
