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Okay some notes: 1. No I'm not about to kill myself. 2. If you need it, sure, call Lifeline, but after that, see your GP for your best chance at getting more meaningful help. Hopefully you'll have more luck than me. 3. Lol after filming, I took Hope for a walk and passed by a neighbour who asked me how I'm doing. I automatically went into that everything's-fine smile mode and said "good", and this is exactly why people think I'm fine when I'm not. I have no control over this behaviour. 4. About 20mins in when I talk about reality, I think in the past I still hoped for that Harry Potter moment where it turns out there really is more to life than just the world we see. But I'm too old for that now. Life is exactly this boring, and I don't understand how people can just go about their day like any of it makes sense, and the more detached I become, the less real it all seems. 5. Yeah I couldn't think of a video title so I just let RU-vid keep the filename. And yeah I just went with the thumbnail RU-vid gave me which looks way too cheerful for how the video turned out but I don't have the energy to change it. I realise that probably gave you the wrong idea, but that's what the video description is for. 6. I ran out of cards to put this in that top right info box thing, but here's a video from that last big depression, before I knew I had schizoid etc: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-BdO3YFzh0LE.html

I hope things get better for you. It must be so frustrating to try so many things when none of them seem to work right for you. I often feel frustrated that nothing works for me.

I've been having more "zero" days lately due to erratic sleep, lethargy, ennui, and anxiety. Life feels so exhausting at times as I occupy space/time with no connections or meaning.

Hope ya feel better

All the best to you, feel free to open up. Also go for another burger ;)