4 Subtle Ways Covert Narcissists Stamp Out YOUR Happiness 

I realized recently that my mother not only feels threatened by my happiness or confidence, but actually NEEDS me to have low self esteem and be anxious all the time. It's a sad thing to see that your own mother actually doesn't want her children to be happy.

“This person only exists when there’s an audience.” That’s it. That’s the covert. They are two different people.

I told my ex wife, "You can hate my ass all you want, but you need to go do it sitting on someone else's couch, sitting in someone else's house, ruining someone else's life."

I wear ear buds all day and laugh at podcasts. It pisses off the narc.

They make you feel like your raw happiness and joy is nothing but annoying, and they do it in the most subtle ways to confuse you. Worst feeling ever

You really nailed it. I use to get excited about socializing, because my soul really needed it. A narcissist will speak poorly about you beforehand and things just don't feel right while socializing. It's the craziest feeling. When you realize what is going on you lose all trust in the narcissist. You also have absolutely no desire to socialize with anyone associated with the narcissist. This leads to loneliness, anxiety, depression, anger, resentment, disdain. The sad thing is this effects every aspect of one's life. You could be someone so full of life and motivation to make the world a better place. In the end, you are a sad empty vessel with little to no desire to do anything.

Also, devaluation, slight insults, comparisons, one-upping. To anyone reading, never pander to a Narc, detect it and move! Trust me you're worth it!

YES!! Oh my gosh! I used to be happy when I woke up with my kids before he would come downstairs! When he came downstairs, I would immediately act less happy, kind of gloomy, because I knew that if I acted happy, he would be a jerk. That has been so hard to explain to people! It made me feel like the moody one, but I never was!!

Had to pause this video at 7.18-'It's omission, it's what they don't do...'so true where dealing with my narc family is concerned. I remember a couple of years ago winning a landmark case against my former college for discrimination. To date it has been one of my biggest achievements and I was also awarded 4000 euros. My narc family never once congratulated me or offred to celebrate my victory. Narcs are empty vessels...

Does this lady know how beautiful she is , how many people she had helped ? Love you Michele and wish you all the happiness in the world !

1:17 " can't get rid of all narcissists because they're everywhere" yes this is so true when I try to tell my therapist she doesn't understand what I'm saying

Dad was overt/Mother covert - should have left them in the dust decades ago. I continued getting sucked into these dynamics my ENTIRE life. It's horrible 😞

So true! You explained the miserable tortuous life I had with the malignant narcissist I thankfully divorced. He sabotages, is a contrarian, and intentionally destroys and ruins your peaceful happy mood And celebrations. He’s goes between covert and overt Ignoring, neglecting, stonewalling, silent treatment,and acting indifferent to situations good or bad in your life in order to incite ,antagonize, and make his victim feel unworthy, useless, invisible,and unimportant . Then when he’s ruined your mood or made you feel worse he will act overly happy and the clueless unaware victim or bystander as he then triangulates with others smear campaigning and blame shifting everything he’s doing and done back onto his victim..making you look like the “crazy, bad guy “, “ saying come on guys, hurry let’s go get away from her, or him .. she’s ruining our fun time” after he intentionally set you up to react To his sadistic tactics to break you.

The ambient abuse, unspoken disdain, contempt, it's instinctively felt, without a reason, it's not a lesson it's just shaming.. without you making a cause for that treatment's effect. Stultifying

#2 is totally evident with me. After years of trauma and getting through codependency, I was able to find myself in a happy relationship with a good man and we got to travel together to Istanbul and no one in my family even expressed happiness for me . I have a lot of siblings and not one even asked me how my trip was when i got back. My boyfriend also found it so weird 😂

9:20 this person only exists, when there is an audience. Woooow. So true

Really, it’s the insidious, covert emotional abuse that is the most difficult….😱 it comes along with any conversation or just about anything that we are required to engage in with a narcissist! 👿🐍 PS! Being a lover of gardening, I loved your gardening analogy! 🌱🌹💐🌷🌱

The thing I learned from dealing with a few narcissists that I believe we all have to learn from dealing with these toxic people is that letting anyone else control your mood is a bad idea. I used to let these people control my happiness also. It's important that we learn how to not let these people affect our happiness don't give anyone else control over your emotions. That took me a really long time to learn that lesson, but all of us who have dealt with narcissists eventually get here. It's extremely unfortunate that we have had to deal with people like this that try to take away our happiness, and we shouldn't have to learn this lesson but here we are. It's not healthy to let someone else control our reality or happiness, the sooner we learn that then these people can't control us or affect us any longer and they lose. When you learn this, no more narcissistic supply for the narcissist. It's game over for them. This was another great video Michelle as usual and for anyone out there dealing with Narcissists don't let the narcissists win! It takes time but you'll get there. Don't let anyone control your happiness or your mood, Ever. Get strong! If I can do it so can you.

That's why they always try to make me angry right before a party!

Its so cool you still make videos! You pulled me out of the post no contact funk 3 years ago. I finally won full custody and a 5 year restraining order in oct 2021. :) .. i think i found you when looking for how to compose yourself in court against the narcissist.

I always wondered why my husband was always in a good mood when I was in a bad mood and in a bad mood when I was good mood. Maybe it’s because of the enmeshed that occurred in my family. I even tried to send a video about this to my extended family. They were so confused by it. I even got a new job recently and I didn’t even want to tell me extended family because I knew they wouldn’t be happy for me. My mom knew though and she acted as though I didn’t get it and wanted me to get a newer job. Completely ignoring the struggle that I just went through to get my job. It really is damaging. Especially since it happened right after I had a panic attack. These people don’t quit. My extended family admires my husband and I admired him too but my house is literally failing apart. Sometimes small insects get in and bite us. The roof leaks in a couple of spots. However, he is really charming. I admit he love bombed me when we were dating because I didn’t know what it was at the time. I thought our love was going to grow even more when we got married, but the opposite thing happened. I used to think he had multiple personalities after we got married because he completely changed and I never knew which side of him I would get. But now I know that it’s all a performance. It does make me confused and when I am being invalidated it brews in me. I think he did struggle for many years to make a life for himself without me to fling negativity into. I don’t know who I can trust anymore. Being around people is negative and bad. I am more comfort being by myself but then what’s the point of being married?

Five years past some strange days. 3 times the time spent with dark persuasion of a textbook narc. it is simply fabulous to have chaos free life. Fully engaged and fullfilling in so many ways yet a boring day is fantastic time spent. That is when you can be creative, play some music, hone your sanctuary & get continuing education, right here i might add, while not in a frantic effort to clear the fog. Ahhhh zen...

I wish there was a law against these abusers. I would totally take my so called Mother to court. Fuching B! I can’t believe how can a Mother be like this! It’s unacceptable!!

You have no idea how eye opening and helpful this video is for me! And the TIMING!!! I am going through this with my parents right now. It's life altering~ in a sad but very GOOD way ♥️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

In regards for the need of an audience, my mom had warned me of this YEARS ago with dealing my female sibling.

Great video! Both of my parents are covert narcissists and it was a very enmeshing family system. My parents are big on concern trolling me about my decisions and have often told me that I won't have their love and support if I don't do what they think I should do . My ex used to control how others saw me, and make me look like the needy, incompetent and lazy one, by the tactics mentioned here. Both my mom and dad emotionally manipulated me. But, I have realized that, even though my dad promotes both he and my mom as the nicest couple, he has always managed to make my mom look like the bad guy in the relationship.

As the scapegoat I have 3 Covert narcissists in my immediate family, including the golden child and the parents. They clearly don't like it when I'm doing well (which isn't often anyway). But when you're doing badly in life, they love to make you feel worse about yourself too. Do you have videos about the double-mindedness of golden-child siblings who always seem to morph into a narcissist themselves? The Golden Child might be worse because you think you can trust them (when they act like they're on your side) until they eventually gang up on you again to curry favor with the narc parents. This is my life..

Your looking quite relaxed and pleasant today.success breeds success. You deserve every last drop of it.until we change our subconscious beliefs nothing gets better.good luck michelle🐻🐼

the most important thing in this is to real eyes that you worthy, deserving of love-first give it to yourself and allow yourself to live your life the way you deem fit and to be happy and content, and stop feeling responsible for their feelings or life bc you are not! but we are responsible for our own life and happiness. the best sentences towards them to say or think are: ok, if u think so....., yeah thats ur decission, u have a right to feel this way, ur life is ur responsibility, or simply: aha, or: ok. or: interesting, and get far from and away from them as often or totally if in any way possible. set boundaries and allways leave scene the minute u do not feel good around them. i once read a good sentence: boundaries are what allows you to enjoy your own garden. nowadays if i notice these covert narc ways for example that someone is allways in a bad mood when i am happy etc. i do not ever ask them again, whats wrong, if i know its allways the same woe me song they sing, and i make it a rule to EITHER a) get away as fast as i can from them, or b) i simply ignore it or c) wave happily or shamelessly! yes shamelessly will say, oopps no time again, and smile. the more passive aggressive they are, the more authentic and shameless i learned to be with them, for example i tell them: got to go, the swings are free. ;) i will not allow them ever again to take away my happiness or give them any of my valuable time of life. they can do what they choose but without me near it. their life and all they do is their responsibility NOT mine!! Not my Circus, not my Monkeys.

Hi! I’m married to a Narcissist for 57 years! I’ve had enough abuse. He is just like and I have responded exactly like you said. Thank you for your videos for I do not want to waste another minute thinking there is no hope for me. I am a child of God and will get back to my old self of joy and happiness through my Jesus and Savior, in spite of my husbands manipulation to control. No longer am I the cause of his unhappiness. God Bless! .

When i was my happiest, my freest, they started saying I was unwell. My sister assaulted me and took away my happiness. I have been depressed ever since. Now they are content

Perfect example. I had gone to mtns with my kids and worthless husband at the time. I was so excited to be at family cabin. My 10 year old son asked me a question and I responded with an excited mhm. I remember him immediately saying "I hate it when you do that". He shot me down in front of my son. He ruined the whole trip. I'll never know who I was married to for almost 18 years. I can honestly say I hate him.

The silence is so loud! It’s awful. True story. 🙏❤️

Whenever I was happy or even just feeling less miserable was the moment my mother would take me somewhere private and verbally and emotionally rip me to pieces and wouldn't stop until I was beginning her to just kill me because I am so irreversibly terrible as a person. Then she would punish me for feeling sorry for myself and would tell my father I was suicidal and take me to the mental hospital.

What a great video. Everything you said was my life for 20 years

I keep on attracting narcs/toxic men. I wondered why.. then some said it will happen if you grew up with narc parents like I was

Yes the narcissist devalues you and then says why do feel that way. Duh!

I haven't felt happy in in over ten years. It's been going on that long.

When you said, "learn to separate your energy from their energy", that hit me hard, accompanied with such a deep realization. Talk about an 'aha' moment!!! In all my studies on narcissism, I know that this particular point is going to be very helpful for me moving forward. Thank you so much. Your videos are a blessing for me.

You always described so well what is narcissistic abuse! Thank you! To illustrate your description of being ignored, I would like to comment that I received, with disdain and mockery, an Opera tape as a Christmas gift from my family when I was a teen. I then cry because I feel accepted, just because they finally understood that I like Opera! That gift was given to me like when you share groceries over the table, and I was asked not to say anything and my tears and my comment that I was happy that they finally understood my taste, were received with disdain and they give me their backs. I have this humanist interest that seems aggressive to their exaggerated care for appearance and shopping so all my humanist interests were always a reason for mockery. How could you not close yourself completely when your mother, sister, brother and father treat you like an ET just because you have a different taste and interest!

You can hear the energy that is why people ask... Are u OK?

Thank you so much. I keep on growing with you Michelle. I started on this journey on healing in 2015 and I'm still surprised to be learning. Covert narcissist is another level

11:00 This is something I dealt with so many times, and it's wild how accurately you just laid it all out! Example: One time I showed up to a party. I hadn't been fighting with the narcissist nor did I think anything was wrong. I start making the rounds telling people hi, and when I get to the narcissist, she just gets up and walks away without saying anything. I try a couple more times in passing to talk to her, and both times, it's a one-word answer and then she leaves. I'm now feeling off my game and feeling like I can't really just have fun and relax at the party because it's so tense and awkward now, and I have no idea why that is the case. She even makes it a point to be fun, happy and enthusiastic towards everyone else at the party, making sure that I know that it's ME whom her problem is with. Finally, I try one more time and it's essentially the same reaction, so I simply ask "Did I do something wrong or did I upset you?" and she responds in immediate anger/annoyance, "God, NOTHING is wrong with me!" and storms off....yet continues to have fun with everyone else. Now I'm legitimately confused because clearly her tone and her actions do not match the words she is saying, nor do they match her claim that she is perfectly fine and that nothing is wrong. I try my best to have fun the rest of the night, but she still leaves anytime I get near so I try not to think about it. Then when the night is over, I start saying bye to everyone, and I know if I do NOT say bye to the narcissist that I'm going to get an ear-full later on about how I "snubbed" her or something. So I say bye and she rolls her eyes at me. I ask one more time if something is wrong, and she says, almost verbatim, "Ugh, nothing is wrong with me, but you ASKING me if something is wrong PISSES ME OFF. So NOW I actually DON'T want to talk to you." And then she proceeds to give me the silent treatment for two weeks. All because I asked if something was wrong. Once she finally "allowed" me to speak to her again, she made no mention of what she was even mad about in the first place (and continues acting like me ASKING her if she was upset was literally the reason for not speaking to me for two weeks). Literally never found out why she was acting that way. But later in hindsight once I realized that she was a narcissist and understood how she operated, I assumed someone probably said something good about me or maybe offended her somehow. So she made it her mission to ruin my night simply to make herself feel important and superior to me in some way.

Michele-thank you from the bottom of my heart in how you have helped me and validated what I experienced my whole life (mother and then Ex husband)…….I am realizing the larger picture as to how these people force us to confront our unhealed parts of ourselves…every step of the way…but if /once we heal ….the relationship (or dynamic) dissolves. Horrible but true….growth thru suffering.

I have healed a lot of my childhood trauma and i've become very strong and I'm at the point now that if I get involved with a narcissist male or female I;m able to see right through them and I tell them you are too fucked up for my liking ! I'm out of here and I have no problem leaving them behind and I move on with no regret ! I have a narcissistic family member who is giving me the silent treatment but it doesn't hurt me anymore like it use to ,and I no longer take it personal I now see it for what it is ,,, a person can only change and get better if they work on themselves and well most narcs don't work on themselves so how can you expect them to change so the narc is trying to hurt me which it's not happening so they are just wasting their time and that actually makes me laugh !!! I'm no longer their victim !!! and that feels amazing

Thank you for the insightful explanation and the wonderful message, Michelle. Have a wonderful day and blessings to you 🙏💐🎉

Narcissistic relationships happens in all type of relationships. I'd like to share this, that I think apply to example number 4; I was working with a handyman who helped me to do some home improvements, he started to act like we're becoming friends, calling me and talking about personal things, etc. I told him that I was planning to remodel the kitchen and I was talking with a kitchen company, one day he called me and suggested to talk with someone knew, I said yes, but I was unable to work with the person he had suggested because schedule compatibility, I ended up doing the kitchen with the other company, once they finished and I was happy and satisfied with my new kitchen, I ask him to reconnect the faucet, drain, dishwasher and garbage disposal, he said yes, when he showed up, he started to criticize the job they did and said things if you have done it with the person I recommend you this could be better, but you never listened to me, but I have this suggestions to make your kitchen even better, like painting different wall colors and led strips, I said yea good idea, then I called him to ask him when he wanted to paint and install the led strips, he started to act busy and unavailable, he said I'll do it in a month, a month went by, asked him again, he said “I am still busy and have no time, I'll let you know, he kept calling me to said hi and spend over an four in phone calls listening how great he was, how much people like him, charming and how good handyman he was, but avoiding to complete the job I need it, finally he gave me a date, but never showed up or called me to tell me he was unable to come. I even refer him to a friend who needed some bathroom job, but got same response, I am so busy. I started to ignited him, because his words were different that his actions, I ended up painting and installing LED strips by myself and my other friend found another contractor. Finally one day he called me and asked me why I haven't call him and told him that I had been busy and did the job he was supposed to complete. That i couldn't understand how come he wasn't respecting his own words doing what he said what he was supposed to and despite how much he loved money he lost the income opportunity with my request and my friend request, he said I been busy, I don't care and I won't be able to call you in a while because I got a new girlfriend 20 years younger than me and I want to use my free time to be with her. I showed him no reaction, gray rock (I feel sorry for the new supply) but he said I am so happy talking to you, but I need to go to sleep, I'll call you tomorrow, but its been a month and he hasn't (got discarded, haha) The good thing is because of this, I started to watch this type of videos, learning about narcissistic persons and learning a lot, helped me to realize that in the past I dealt with at least 5 people with this ugly traits, but I was naive, but thanks with my handyman experience I know more about this and in the future ill be able to identify a narcissistic person. I feel although confusing, this experience helped me to grow and really, “Narcicist people can be among the most emotionally, envious people around us” is better to keep the away, ignore, no contact, no supply, etc. It can happend to us with any person (friend, family, coworkers, business) be careful.

Yep. ALL OF THIS IS VERY ACCURATE, AND ALL OF THIS IS MY MOTHER, FOR SURE. LORD HAVE MERCY.

With narcs...someone is on the sideline yelling Action! when theres people around

A combination of covert and overt abuse is brutal.

I think the narc chick I got sucked into took a look at me at our AA meeting, decided I was acting way to happy, making little jokes and smiling a lot. She winked at me, we had lunch and three days later she had completely wiped the smile off my face. I was recovering from major surgery and was actually working on my humor by watching funny dogs, cats and kids, etc. She could have been polite and said thanks, but I don't see this going anywhere. She didn't have to say, "We had a fluke meeting."

8:34 9:39 This is insane for me to hear I can’t even believe you are describing what I never could and believed I was crazy

Hi, my name is Tracy, I have been suffering for 16 years from my kids dad who is a narcissistic abusive alcoholic and have come close to death from his actions twice. I also have lost a baby do to his poor decisions. Now at 10 and 13 years of age of my daughter's, I left him and got an OFP against him in March and just a couple weeks ago he violated the OFP and tried to break in the house. After jail he got out and wanted to see the girls for a visit for his birthday and father's day so I met with his family to drop them off like a normal visit for a couple nights because I had to and he never returned them and he filed for child support and his sister has control of the property I'm living in because she manages the company. I am so lost and feel week for all he has done. He manipulates everything, including the system. When he was pulled over, the police didn't even give him a breathalyzer or drug test him when he was extremely intoxicated and another substance in his system. He wants revenge on me for putting him in jail and because he doesn't have me to control. What should I or can I do?

Well done Michelle very well explained, confirmed so much for me! Your work is excellent 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👍🏾

True 👍 I've had this for 2 years since I met my sons girl friend she seemed nice and was very nice to me until one day she started ignoring me and treating me like I didn't exist. What a horrible way to treat someone. Now my son is treating me the same way she did but he uses verbal abuse.

My ex relationship of three years was a rollercoaster of these actions. It just shows they are total haters and envy everyone close to them… sad life but not my life. It’s been tough getting over her cuz she was so pretty and etc etc all that fake bs they show… but that’s it. That’s all they offer. A show that’s not worth watching

My ex would literally tell me “I can’t be happy for you right now…”, followed by all the reason’s her life is terrible. Who says shit like that?! The empathy I felt for her and her struggles were never reciprocated. Ever. I thought I loved her, but the truth was I was afraid of what she would do if I left.

Yep you can feel it I leave the room I detach emotionally and I remind myself that’s his problem not mine and I don’t let it affect me and I don’t hang around with them I don’t route two anyway I live in my bedroom. Don’t talk to them just get away from them DON’T ask them what’s wrong I don’t wallow in their own misery it’s karma !

Spot on Michele!!! Thank you kindly for all you do!! They really help and heal!! xoxo

I was with a covert Narc abuser for 14 years....my parents said NOTHING. I got out, they never asked if I was ok, ask for details, say they were there for me if I needed to share what happened to me. Enter my amazing husband. We have been together 4 years now and my parents think he could be abusive? I am happier than I have EVER been! My hubby encourages me to find myself, have self love and esteem, he pushed me towards God, prays over me when I cry my eyes out, holds me tight, cheers me on with all my healing and I've never been happier or had more peace and joy!!!.....and my parents question it and plant poisonous thoughts in my lap about my husband taking advantage of me?!?!?! 🤯🤯🤯🤯 They don't want me happy.

I can complete relate to the point where you mention how they triangulate and do things for other people but not for you and make the other people hate you and then when you react you’re crazy smh

Break chasing their validation💯

You have done sooo many amazing videos Michelle! But I feel like this one may be my favourite! You are so brilliant at this, and you are such a “real and sincere” person! Thanks so much for your content! You are definitely changing lives👍🏻

Your easy to learn from, thanks Michelle🍀

She told me *u r tooo happy* and i was so pissed in this Moment. I knew in my Intuition what is going on right now and told her something to argue with her. Nowadays i wouldnt talk a Word, just walk away

Man, this is soooo on point. I am bouncing back from 6 years with a covert. Discarded twice every 3 years to the date. It's a struggle coming back to myself. So many lessons though.

Nothing has ever resonated so strongly with me. It’s a revelation. A complete shift of perspective. Wow, thank you. 💜

At 12:35 pairing the abuse with the social situation implants a subconscious trigger to get anxiety in social situations, thank you, brilliant observation.

What you say is so real !!!!

And you're looking gorgeous. Just a compliment🙂

Precisely...

Thank you for sharing this information and insight! I have been recovering from senior abuse by a narcissistic roommate!

NAILED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Each and every analysis is spot on Michele.

You are stunning! Best description of covert narcissism I've read anywhere. Thank you so much and God bless you!

Yes and then I'm on the ground depressed and he calls me negative and a Debbie downer and I'm like no that's not me, that's you and now I'm acting like you. The vampire has sucked me bone dry and now he's trying to point the finger at me like I'm damaged goods. I have always been upbeat no matter what. This is like a silent slow drip emotional abuse. I am tired all the time, I cry a lot, can't get joy like I used to. He doesn't help me just watches me struggle at work without ever offering any ideas to get out of there because he wants me there so I'll stay down.

The first way, really resonates with my experience!

You are amazing. Thank you so much for helping those in need. You are an angel on earth. Amen

She really knows what she’s talking about and got me very emotional when she mentioned how you can come home happy and your partner can zap all that energy from you making you sad and my partner yell at me for making noise or dogs getting riled up and then they turn around and ask you why you’re depressed all the time and what’s wrong with you and make you feel so invalidated and Causes extreme cognitive dissonance/confusion almost every night until you are left empty inside and don’t even know yourself anymore. This explains my marriage so well and I’m just now starting my inner work journey and trying to figure out how I got in this mess so am very thankful for these videos and I’m definitely going to look into the Thrive program and see what else is out there

Ty Michele. Ty . This explanation was so helpful with a current upsetting situation

Thank you Michele!

Holy shit this is where i learned my narcissism tendencies and my self sabotage. I remember graduating from college and none of my family members even acknowledged it.

Great video. I identify so much with those patterns from my mother! Something to work on…

11:50 exactly dear Michele. They need to externalize their sadistic superego. Great video.

Thank you for explaining this so well

When I was young I really liked this boyfriend and after she talked to him and whatever, he never saw me the same or treate# me the same again. Now he is grown and recently said to me you are a slave. I'm not sure what that means but I don't have love her any more for changing his opinion of me. I'm a total people pleaser now which I have been trying to break free of.

Wow this is so accurate I've been going thru this my whole life. God Bless you!

Too bad because I'm soooooooo happy now!!!💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾

Oh wow… the example you used about grades in school was exactly my childhood 😢

You explained this amazingly clear! Ive been trying to understand covert for a while now but havent been able to fully get it until now. Thank you for all the examples, i found it really made it clear for me.

Narc BF will see me each day (to keep me from others), frowns at my friend's when they're not looking, criticizes my sicial club, withholds affection and gets angry when I bring it up. Not sure what he wants with me.

So true ❤😊will watch it later

Appreciate you! Thank you! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Thank you so much for your help and support Michele.

Thank you for the video. It is VERY validating and life changing

I AM SO VERY GREATFUL FOR YOU, THANK YOU❣️ I greatly appreciate you and how much you've helped me along this long road of healing on my way to self love and emotional/mental health. God Bless your beautiful soul 🙏 😇

Thumbnail pic with you sitting to the left, in the background while smiling, gave me a chuckle 😄

So true I can’t believe it.

I love your content ❤️ truly great

Loved the tips🌹