Covert Narcissist's Abuse=Coercive Control? 

I agree, this video brilliantly describes how a covert narcissist can control, create fear, manipulate and destroy a targets life while blaming them for the abuse and pretending to be the good guy who’s so concerned as the target is crazy.

This is absolutely BRILLAINT! Explains it perfectly well. It is about time that this type of narcissist was exposed, explained and understood. Thank you Sam! Slimy, evil, sub humans! I lived with one for 30 years. Please make more on the Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist!

The Covert Narcissist part of this is all about my ex-husband.......and then he alienated my children against me and they don't even know that he did it. They practically worship him and have no idea he is a dangerous person............really dangerous.

this guy is a genius the accuracy of what he's saying is too damn high !!! he deserves more recognition...🤔

You are describing my mother perfectly. She used to try to tell her friends that I was the troubled daughter. Fortunately for me, her friends could see right through her, and it was obvious I was the scapegoated child, not the troubled daughter. She is ninety one and still can't stop bullying me. I feel so sad for her as she will leave this world not having grown or evolved, at all. Meanwhile, I am living my best life despite her efforts to destroy me!

I barely escaped with my life!!! It is diabolical!

Spot on!!! Mine escalated to drugging me and almost killed me! I am finally safe from him, but wow!! I went through hell and because he acted so vulnerable and hid it so well I never saw a lot of it. You described my ex perfectly!!😮

This is an accurate description of the covert narcissist in my life. He put his daughter against her mother (his ex partner). Then his daughter cut her relationship with her mother. He sacrificed the life of her daughter to destroy his ex. Manipulation reaches a higher level when talking about covert narcissists.

Thank you for this video Sam. This is my reality as the target. The hidden narcissists can abuse with their network of flying monkeys and digital technology to monitor, punish, humiliate, degrade and have complete domination over the target. The perfect crime with no accountability while attacking the target around the clock. This abuse is terrifying, that someone can pretend to be normal yet be so evil.

After discard and over 2 years out , no contact when I listen to you Dr. Vaknin I get chiles and think how lucky am I to be alive. He would walk into the bathroom right with me and watch me. At first it was a joke and I thought how much he must love me not to leave me for a min but now I know how sick and evil this was. I lost my job because of him , friends etc. Thank you for all your work and knowledge , I’m happy again because of the knowledge and understanding I have from your videos.

I was coercively controlled by a psychopathic narcissist for over 40 years, your video has validated my experience, thank you. He was extremely controlling to the point of stalking me in my own home, he literally monitored me 24/7 without rest, yes I couldn’t even use the toilet or shower alone, it was quite literally domestic terrorism. I am finally free.

You describe the ex CN in my life to a T. He had a soft and gentle manner, pretended to be right on, caring, hard done by as he soon described a tough childhood where he was neglected but ultimately triumphant as he boasted about his career achievements, financial gains and many sexual conquests. He was a trained masseur, claimed to be into yoga and meditation, a confident salsa dancer, drank little due to his father's alcoholism. A more shallow, fake, callous, manipulative, isolating, passive aggressive and immature person I've never met. When his mask completely slipped, it was a traumatising horror show. Got discarded days later and then he literally hid from me in public. The most bizarre thing I've ever seen.

My mom, a covert narcissist; will nod her head yes while she is trying to convince you of something and get something from you.

You just described my ex perfectly. 25 years of hell I could not make sense of. I felt like an abused puppet around him. Once I found out one too many skeletons the more I dug into the secrets the more horrified I was. I saw behind the mask and I was harshly discarded.

Wow, that’s crazy. Mine didn’t do that, he used the insurance company to accomplish what he wanted. Once again secretive. Almost 6 years later and I’m slowly putting everything slowly together. It’s absolutely the most insane shit I’ve ever been through.😳🙄👈🏻

Hmmm....23 years in this marriage, and I jump every time he opens the door. Interesting. Thank you, Sam, for all your educational content!!

In a nutshell this video is saying RUN … Listen to Sam Vaknin not just hear !! Thank you for sharing your expert knowledge and saving lives ❤

My step mom was exactly like this unfortunately. She tried to target my brother but he didn’t allow that so then she settled on me and oh man did she make my life a living hell all day ever day. She eventually turned my own dad against me and he started to believe all the lies she was filling his head until one day he kicked me out. I haven’t spoken to him in over 7 years and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. It’s shocking to finally realize what happened and that she truly never felt any remorse for it.

I have experienced coercive control by my ex I was terrorised into thinking I was been gang stalked, my media and mobile phone was tapped, I was isolated from my friends and family, I was forbidden to socialise, having shower wearing makeup, I had to wear clothes he chose for me, I was been monitored 24/7. I was also fed industrial strength laxatives so I couldn't leave the house. My social media was hacked, my job was infiltrated, I lost my job had no finances and I was evicted from my own home. I had a porngraphic, video super imposed sent to all my family and friends. I was banned from eating certain foods, as he said I was getting putting on weight he didn't like that, I had a broken wrist at the time so I needed his help. In the end he put me into a choke hold as I said I was leaving relationship. A pyrex glass bowl was thrown at my head I ended up walking around 24 hr store, escorted by two security guards who adminstered first aid as blood was dripping from my head. In the end he said I knew you wasn't having an affair but you have to nip these things in the bud don't you. I was jelous of you, and wanted the money you was left by your parents, after losing your family members death. It vengeance because of jelousy as he wanted the money from me.I refused, he blackmailed me to dare him post video, so he did post. I ended in refuge for Domestic Abuse. Thankyou for your discussion on coercive control everything you said about it is true.

This describes exactly the covert narcissist I divorced as well as siblings.The horrific realization all along they are only out to destroy you especially when you stand up to them ,refuse to be coercively controlled,and become no use to them.

Oh my god. The bathroom stuff. I couldn’t ever take a shower alone. It made me so anxious. I didn’t mind at first until, thought of it like a way to bond. But really it was just control, it was so invasive. It got scary when he he was in a rage…because that was not a barrier.

Professor I went through this. When you mentioned the bathroom I experienced that. It is such an awful experience I cannot put into words how dehumanizing this is

I felt controlled, invalidated and humiliated by these three people.

6 minutes in and you have already described my ex fiance and how she operates.... Utterly terrifying that you have got the exact behaviour to the letter....

im 38 years old, this has been my whole life. he knows im typing this. i will still have my social worker watch this video. thank you, Sam. i will take any advice to get me out of this Truman show

Why do these three people get off trying to control me to begin with? I haven't done anything to deserve their verbal abuse(in mre than one away). They need to grow up and shut the hell up.

This is painfully true ! The covert body language is the exact opposite of the words said ... So confusing & inhumane ! Talk about cognitive dissonance !

100% true. Insane how accurate this is, Jesus Christ.

This has been my life for almost 3 years, so much is spot on here. In another one of his punishments by abandonment now, and today I've decided, is day 1 no contact. Its difficult as I have no one, zero support, but I can't anymore. I didn't even notice what exactly was going on for quite some time, thank you for this, its helped me more than I can even say.

When they follow you into the bathroom while smiling and complimenting you…… making you think they really just enjoy your company…. Either way you know it’s too much but can’t put your finger on it 😔

First of all thank you so much for your videos. I left my abuser 1 year ago, yet it still feels like yesterday. I am currently in a bad spot I don’t leave my house, my mental health is not well. i’m pretty much a textbook victim. Your videos are helping me understand what I went through, and realizing that what I’m experiencing/living in right now can be fixed

Thank you for this video. I always learn so much from you. I am a therapist with a masters and your insights are better than anything I get in training. I learned about covert narcissism from you while experiencing the threats, terror, and smear campaign after finally making him go. You had a video from like 10 years ago that said they should be held accountable to the highest extent of the law. I got a RO because of your videos. Of course there was the hiding (in the house when they tried to serve him with the notice to appear). So it took a long time and I watched these videos to get me straight in the head. Thank you.

Thank you, I needed a reminder why I'm making the right decision now..

The nex never used to openly tell me what I can and can't do but used to make sure I didn't have time to do anything for myself or outside the house. If I asked for a hand to clean up, all of a sudden he would take the kids out in the guise of "giving me time to myself" knowing that I had cooking and cleaning to do otherwise we wouldn't eat or have a clean and tidy house. If I spoke up against how he was treating me then he would punish me by keeping me awake at night by slamming about in the kitchen underneath my bedroom knowing that it disturbed me. He also withheld food and drink from our children while I was at work as well as many other things

You have literally described every ex fiance has done, it's like you have described life with her...... Dear god that's scary how accurate you described the tactics she's done, my health took such a turn from her dietary control that I still suffer the effects from it..... Lost my friends, family, money, my business, my health, and then battered me, then discarded when I set boundaries and when she knew that my doctor made a report of her attack on me.... Still dealing with the aftershocks of it all.....

hearing about the definition of coercive control... the ex narc in my life (longterm committed relationship) didn't do this to me (or didn't manage to) but he would "joke" about building a dungeon for me so I stay put and couldn't run away and be cut off from the world. the jokes already felt uncomfortable back then and now looking back creep me out massively

Six minutes in and youve described my mother to a T, I wish I had this help years ago. Better late than never I guess thankyou

That’s so true. 20 years of isolation and even kept me from seeing my kids from my 1st marriage. My whole personality changed. I couldn’t tell people no, I have difficulty making friends and now I’ve lost my baby (29) 11 years he’s been brainwashing him against me. His 3 kids one is dead at 32, one in and out of prison his whole life, the other a drug addict and now in prison. I’m afraid for my son. He didn’t deny food but would bully if I didn’t stay in line, even rape, hitting, verbal abuse etc. say I’m going to hell for not calling back or answering? What is that and how do I save my child? And grandchild?

How do you stop them from destroying their own children making them hate their mothers to punish them from leaving them?

I don't know what I'd do without you Professor. Thank you for helping me to understand and heal. ❤

Ohhh my goodness eyes wide opened!!! FINALLY SOMEONE DESCRIBES THIS PERFECTLY!! Thank you!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Can you believe they are also people in positions of power in services who serve communities? They are everywhere. I couldn't either. 🤓😳😳😳

Omg the look! I just experienced this recently. Thx Vaknin!

I've been the target of two covert narcissists in my life: my work "best friend" and my husband. The first one mentioned made me realize what I was dealing with concerning the second one after nearly 40 years. The first one I 86'd with great difficulty, and now I am working on detaching from my husband. Escaping my husband is a lot harder because I married him when I was 17 and after 40 years the entanglement is insane, but I'm getting there and myself covertly taking steps to escape. One thing I've discovered is narcissists always try to enlist people you care about as their flying monkeys which is designed to break your heart. They are broken creatures that garner my sympathy for the depth of their depravity and insanity (but that doesn't mean I have to stick around to let them hurt me).

Paranoid monster toddlers & emotional vampires

Just because they are older, doesn't mean they have to right to push me around·verbally. And when I say no; they made fun of me; cruel. Very controlling, angry people. I did nothing to cause the trouble. It's their attitude/behavior; not my fault. They can't stand being stood up to, called on for their oppression. Too bad, I have more than enough of their garbage!

My ex would keep me awake many nights has well and prevent me from resting 😢

Brilliant assessment but I would also like to add that the Grandiose Narc I encountered used all those afore mentioned types of abuse , which is being mainly said of the Grandiose narcissist here. So then its plausible that the Grandiose Narc and switch into different Narcissistic types and roles, when it suits him or her.( My experience)..

This describes what Iwent through with my ex. I couldn't even watch tv without her permission. The same thing happened with my father to a wrose extent. I never fully succumbed to my ex but I lived with my father in my 20s and he reverted me to an anxious 12 year old. I wouldn't even leave the house without asking him first.

This is frightening but so very accurate

Sam is a real researcher his findings are very true....i live with one 24hrs of my life...Sams teaching have saved me from becoming mentally sick...Thanks Dr, Sam...i am learning him now and i have set strict boundaries

Dad(narcissist) thinks he is so great because he is male, that his family matters, not my mom, or her family; he acts like only his time matters. It is infuriating. He is misogynistic, obnoxious, self-absorbed and entitled(for what?) I thought it was because I am female, his oldest daughter(scapegoat) and that he can say anything he wants and I am expected to put and shut up, never say to him. It was backed up (unknowingly) by the school system I went to; in elementary school. Girls should be not (hardly seen)and be silent! Sick! I felt oppressed, some of his family members(one brother, their mother) acted as if the world should revolve around them; their time matters more than anyone elses(mine). He tried to turn me against my mother and her family(loving), his (some of,not all) thinks the world should be at their convenience. Yet, they don't do anything in return, that way; it's all about them, these people are aggravating. I can't be bothered with him, or them. They're out of line and expect that because they are older members of the family, the younger generation should bow to them; no! Very opressive. When I complained, I was invalidate. It was humiliating! He gave me the attitude (I can punish you for saying no to me, Jackie, no matter what your age. you don;t matter. That he can verbally abuse me, hit me if he chooses(it started when I was 5) and that when I was 12 1/2 he said that I had no right to say no to him, other men, implying his brothers. I didn't anyting(yer) to be punished for, to this day! He's seriously erroneous in this thinking! I am 59, he's still trying to lecture/control me; he has no authority, despite his wrong opinion. He thinks he is perfect and finds fault with me. Continually. It's impossible. I've given up trying to reason with him since he is unreasonable!(Always)) He doesn't like the word "no"/my standing up to him/ too bad.

Grew up with a narcissistic mother …extremely painful not being taught how to love myself and thrive as a human being because I was her target…my children were her flying monkeys…huge betrayal

I just escaped this type of relationship. I am trying to feel like myself again. I'm still afraid to have friends or even communicate with other people. He made me feel shame for just existing.

Thank you Professor Sam I watch all your videos and get so much out of each one..Your a true Pioneer in this Study

Such an awesome material! Great video! more people should be informed about snakes in the grass… thanks for sharing! ❤

What, that’s why I think my ex narc is a narcopath, he never controlled me like what you are saying.😲

What about coercive control that manifested due to the need to control the narcissists cheating behavior. I dint deny anything except hoovering around her excess but I lost control over my emotions many times with her fully knowing she was pushing me and me begging her to stop (lying cheating etc.) but I had a goal in mind, not being cheated on any more.

This describes my wife down to a T, right down to with holding food.

Thank you for making this, so insightful

more and more i learn how the psyche works, more and more i observe the outside world, more and more i wonder if there are in fact sane people. thank you doc for all the lessons you give us. it makes me open my eyes, tho what i see it's not so graceful

Thank you, Sam for this video!

Thank you Sam . As always articulate and precise in your brilliant delivery of what we need to hear . Thank you once again.

Thankyou! Im going to look at your other videos on covert narscissim.

It hit the nail on head . Bravo. Now time to process. Ugh. I got this.

Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin ❤.

Brilliant, as usual.

Rattlesnakes plus plus.

My son has one of these she hates me because we had an earthquake and she said it was 4.7 i heard on the news it was a 5 point OMG now she does every thing she can to destroy me my son now hates me and if my son even talks to me she freaks out. He moved her in with me and i cant do anything she walks past me like i dont exist

Beyond brilliant! Thank you!

I view all civilised and domesticated humans as somewhere on the spectrum in regards to personality disorders (say, from 1 - 30), depending on which ever way their childhood trauma broke them. So in regard to this presentation on coercion, where would one place the average school teacher who - in a position of authority and looking for the obedience of kids who maybe are not even fully conscious of what is going on - avails of the carrot and the stick (euphemisms for bribery and manipulation/coercion)? Surely, breaking-in kids like horses will leave a lasting impression, serious damage even, irrespective of whether the breaking in was successful or not, irrespective of whether the child becomes subservient, a rebel, or simply broken.

He’s right, I’m watching it in real time.

I LOVE so much of this video. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge via this channel. I do have to differ with you on one point, and that is that coercive control, as a pattern of behavior, in my experience, DOES show up in other areas, other than intimate "relationships". If you refer only to the work of Evan Stark, who popularized the term, or Susan Schechter, who coined it, it makes sense to see coercive control as a phenomenon that only occurs within domestic abuse. And, of course, Evan's book is the most popular book on coercive control. It was the first book I read on coercive control, before I studied and obtained my Master of Science in the Psychology of Coercive Control from the University of Salford, and it is excellent! However, if you take a broader approach to the research and theory in the literature, as my cohorts and I did at university, coercive control emerges as a pattern of behavior in other contexts. Targets of human trafficking, cults and prisoners of war, even gangs, are subjected to the same tactics and strategies of coercion and control. They also develop the same types of traumatic injuries; dissociation, helplessness, terror, PTSD, etc. as targets of intimate partner coercive control. Again... I highly appreciate your channel and perspective. I am confident that your videos have positively impacted a lot of people! Thank you!

Sir in this video with this explanation you described and contributed all cluster b symptoms to one disorder.

I experienced, to varied degrees, ALL the features of coercive control listed here by Dr. Vaknin. I am absolutely certain that I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist and I don’t think these experiences were unique to me. I think that coercive control, as described here by dr. Vaknin, is part of most covert narcissists repertoires.

I have to be submissive(obey) him no matter how badly he treats me; and say I am sorry, for allegedly causing him to treat me badly; surreal! He needs to man up, grow up and shut the hell up. I don't listen to him(that annoys him. And apologize to him for abusing me(verbally) and that I caused him because I am female, his scapegoat. NO on all charges: He's the one with the problem; not me. I wish he would stop projecting this superior tone with me. He thinks he is perfect and finds fault with me. He's not perfect, neither am I, but I was/is/are never responsible for causing his mistreatment of me!

I need help with the narc in my life!!!!!!!

I agree. Very very good :)

hello mr. vagnin! reduced affect display! this subject seems to me a main tool of people to make someone insecure. yes, as you said. did you make a video about that? thank you very much for all your work!!!

I've been saying this for over 40 years.

Dad (narcissist) is the worst of the two remaining members, then his (one of) brothers, and their, now late mother. Trianglulation; oppression, suppression. I don't bother with them. They're not worth any effort, despite the fact that they think because they are older; they demand repect(didn't earn it ) and compliance.(same applies!)

Living it 😢

Thank you, this is my situationen for 13 years. But he works behind the scenes, ockult, spiritualist, satanist, sadistic awful person. I am not a robot or a slave for him. Never. But he distroyed my life any way, I am getting older and he never stop. How to get free? Thank you for this confirmation and knownledge.🙏🙏

Scary

I'm commissioning a bronze Professor Sam statue to put next to the yard jockey in front of the house... that boy Sam is bad to the bone !

How does one know if they are a codependent or a covert narcissist?

"Thank you" - I will bring this to the police. I couldn't explain it better, and I am still "learning" what he did covertly....thank you

If they like to inflict pain and hurt to other people, don't you think that they have empathy ? They definitely feel other people emotions otherwise how could they enjoy being nasty...?

Sounds a bit like many western governments.

💯

I don't wanna drink wine 😂😂😂

Coercive Control feels like Saudi Arabian women can't leave the house without a male figure, just recently women was giving the right to Drive..

My 2 parents. One covert vulnerable narc and the other is communal narc /like cult leader/

Is it possible that a someone may have a covert narc partner that doesn’t coerce to this extent?

I got questions. I have a collegue who constantly infront of and behind my back to a woman spreads lies and innuendos about me. We work together we are both male but everytime this woman is near he has to put me down or make jokes about me. He only ever does it to this woman and one other woman. It is constant. Also he takes things he says and does then makes it something I believe or like. After a while I just got so tired of hearing it I quit my job and moved on. Did I experience my first narcissist? I have never had anyone just from nothing and with such intent start 'attacking' me relentlessly with such vile rumors. I am in complete shock at what this person made up in his head about me. Was he jealous this woman collegue and I had a good relationship? It was strictly professional. Sure we had a friendly connection but it was never anything other. Why did he only act like that infront of her and the other woman when I was present? I am totally confused. Anyone help me out? Maybe i'm just naive but I am at aloss for words.

Oh my god ! My entire life was a lie ! IAM 27