This is one of the reasons why I know that my DA really likes me. He has been extremely consistent with this for the 4,5 years we've known each other. ❤
@@0Demiyah0 These were the reasons I knew my ex DA cared about me too... until the (literal) day he didn't. Notice she said the DA was showing they could 'currently' be interested. This was spot on for my experience. I wish you the best with your DA!
@@kij0012 I am sorry it did not work out! At least these tools learning about AT will hopefully make for a better experience in the future. That love will surely come for you 😊. I separated from my DA after living together was not a success. It was his decision frankly, but I accepted that readily as it was clear to me it was for the best. It's evident he continues to care for me. He still does all these texting behaviors - talks to me 4-5 times a week, does acts of service whenever he sees a chance to be helpful, and tries every excuse to see me, but is also very careful not to cross boundaries and is shy and timid around intimacy. Regardless of the outcome, it's nice knowing someone genuinely cares. He's the first man I dated who I could go through all these phases of a relationship with and still think of as a respectful, caring and genuine person.
Or just leaven them alone in their misery instead of constantly being patient, ignored, pushed away and hurt. I have been trying, listening and reading all I can to be patient and understanding. And I feel frustrated that I don’t even feel the right to get upset because it’s not their fault and blame their poor excuse of parents messing them up!
I was pretty patient with a DA I was seeing for 7 months until it was clear he was backpedaling with different signs: he seemed pretty uncomfortable during intimate moments and then he literally renamed our relationship, from "boyfriend/girlfriend" to "companion" and saying that calling it a relationship was wrong. He clearly got scared and freaked out, thought he would be losing his independence. (And I am not someone who texts/calls all day long... I like independence too.) After that conversation where I was blindsided he just disappeared into thin air. I realize that it's important to know/understand who you're dealing with so you can approach accordingly, and if you're someone who can be patient with a DA that's great. I know that it caused me even more anxiousness to deal with confusing messaging. It's not my job to nurse his past traumas.
Exactly this! And I did try to nurse his awful traumas! He kept saying we are friends/mates over and over whilst sex and extreme jealousy on his side played out
Same thing happened to me with renaming. I clearly remember the conversation where he asked “how should I introduce you, as my girlfriend?” Which surprised me but I was happy. However a few days later when I was about to introduce him to my friends and mentioned that exact conversation he shook his head in disbelief like it NEVER HAPPENED. He also asked to be exclusive but then backpedaled on that too. It’s f’ed up.
After a strong honeymoon phase the backpedaling began, I called it out and was blindsided with a text break up - learned all about DA types in the research I did in the days following. Before that, never knew this was a thing - never look back folks!
Would love to hear thoughts on how long one should wait for a DA to return before moving on? I was with my DA for 6 years. The relationship was a good happy one. We really got along well. We laughed and did not have much conflict. That which we did, we talked through. I always made a point of showing up and keeping my word. Notably, I told her that I would "never let her down." She would question how I could make such an assertion. So, she triggered and deactivated two months ago and broke it off. Blindsided. I told her I was sad and disagreed, but accepted it and went no contact. Have fully respected her space and respected her boundaries. Although she maintained her living space (I have three teens who love her but she would need a break from us) she "lived" with us. She still has not picked up all of her belongings. She comes by to get her mail every few weeks. She is standoffish but sometimes just stairs at me. I just keep my mouth shut and treat her with only kindness. I also keep my strong happy face on. It is easy to have someone's back when times are good. Hard to "never let them down," however, during hard times. So hard times are here. While I am taking care of myself, I feel compelled to just wait to see if she decompresses and remembers that the relationship had significant value. If she does not, I will be fine. Sad but fine. But how long can I respect my deep seeded need to be fiercely loyal to this person before this loyalty becomes unhealthy for me? I can't walk away until I know that I have stood by my word to her that I would not let her down. Thank you for all of the videos on DAs. Oh it was utterly eye opening. Almost scary. I watched them all. I couldn't stop. In hindsight, even though "I didn't know," I think I would get a B+ because I always respected her need for space and independence. I always told her that I looked at her as a bird that flew in my window that I loved having around, but that I would never try to close any of the windows. And I never did.
So sad unfortunate. You are saint. Give her the gift of healing. DAs can heal when they suffer loss. She has to be broken open. Many Das are healing including me
I had to learn my DA needs space and as I’m an AP it has really helped me become less anxious. He texts during the week but I don’t worry if we go a day without. He initiates conversation and loves to have a joke. Always initiates plans. It’s been just over a year and we have had to learn each other to make it work
@@sloveniaproducer definitely a few downs where he said he was done but we worked through them. He definitely pursued me and tried his hardest to communicate. He already told me that he can be quick to leave but is working on it. We just had to learn each other and try to compromise.
@@Pr_20 my ex is definitely a DA and I guess just as with FAs..is it better to stay friends and build on that relationship and it possibly grow into something more over time? Or let it be for a few weeks (NC) and have them make the first move?
@@sloveniaproducer they definitely want to see you as a friend to feel comfortable and vulnerable around you initially and also the attraction. It’s a difficult journey that takes time. We never go no contact for weeks we never had to. Even after arguments it’s usually a few days if that’s any help to you
My DA ex will send me TikTok’s all day but then not respond to a text - at first it made me feel really frustrated but I know he’s trying to keep some emotional distance so this made sense
It still doesn't make it easier on us. I mean, imagine life for DA's before memes and Tik Tok lol In the end we're all adults. It shouldn't be this hard.
@@LeeChrissy Exactly. It’s very immature and shallow. Imagine being in a marriage with someone like that. A problem comes up and they can’t even discuss it in person or at all.
@@josephbrown9685 so with my DA I've noticed that if I am clear and concise with him if I have an issue, he reacts much more favorable. When I'm wishy washy and throw a bunch of word vomit at him, he doesn't know what the exact issue is. Also, I have to remind him that I love him. He just needs to feel safe and he never has in a relationship. I'm an FA. and drastically swing both AP and DA when triggered. I can imagine I'm not easy either. It's a work in progress but we're starting to understand each other after 3 years. It's hard.
@@LeeChrissy Good luck to you both. I made it nearly two years in my relationship without even realizing what an avoidant is. I only discovered attachment theory after the breakup. I thought I was secure, but being with her made me feel very anxious. I just don’t think I could do it long term and she has become mostly absent from my life by her own choosing.
I was talking to someone I think is a DA & he did this. I love sending things like that to each other but not in lieu of an actual conversation, in addition to one. That was what made me get over it fairly quickly.
Very important point: if the relationship doesn't work it doesn't always mean you weren't good for them. It's just the subconscious wiring doesn't match. What do you think?
I find these videos are interesting. Why counsel the populace on being able to discern if a DA likes them or not. Why not counsel the populace in learning how to value their worth and identify how to discern a secure attachment style from an insecure attachment style so one can make an informed decision about dating someone who will actually meet their emotional needs. Dating someone with an insecure attachment style is exhausting and often not emotionally reinforcing. Also, if someone has an insecure attachment style themselves, dating someone else with an insecure attachment style will not allow for their attachment style to heal and if anything, it will strengthen poor self esteem and any trauma they may have from the past.
Most people in the dating pool are insecure types, so it does seem helpful to be able to discern if ones of these types is actually into you and if you should pursue getting to know them on a romantic level. Not all DAs are horrible people as they are made out to be by anxious types. They're just not for everybody.
@@leah-7011 I didn’t say they are horrible people. However as a clinician myself, I believe we should strive to gently nudge and challenge people to explore if what they are doing and the choices they make are a result of their own childhood trauma and is a trauma re-enactment, if their choices will serve them/will meet their needs, if the person they are dating will provide them with a corrective healing experience and will help them heal their attachment style (which the research indicates can occur when a person with an insecure attachment style dates a person with a secure attachment style for approximately 4 years) or will exacerbate feelings of mistrust and abandonment and therefore will strengthen their insecure attachment style. This isn’t about people being good or bad. Dismissive avoidant individuals are dismissive because their caregivers didn’t meet their needs. That’s unfortunate. Despite that being unfortunate, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to counsel my clients who need healing on how to cope with dating somebody who will most likely not meet their needs. The research also indicates that dismissive avoidants do not seek counseling. Of the insecure attachment styles, the fearful avoidant is the one that will seek therapy. Due to this, I will not counsel my patients on how to cope with dating a dismissive avoidant who will most likely avoid therapy and therefore, will never work on healing their own attachment style. I can go on and on to justify my remarks above, but I will stop there.
@@godislove4540 This is so true. There's a difference between getting advice to have a better relationship with a DA when there's already "something good on the table" and boundaries are respected, and saying you have to deal with all the bad behaviour because of their attachment issues, accepting everything in the name of love. Yes, DAs make up 25% of the population, 50% of people over 30 on dating apps according to research, but the secure and APs are not here to stay while being abused and having no needs met because DAs have to heal. They don't. If they decide to stay the way they are, it's their choice, not others' burden.
That might be an unusual request, but I'd like to see a video about all those people in the comments that trash both DA and FA under an every single video about them. Are they normal APs, or especially traumatised APs, or is that something else? I had to mute one replying to while me sharing my experience, like I was asked to share it in the video, and I'll mute more if they keep being nasty, but I'm curious about the phenomenon in general. Most attachment healing teachers I watch seem to be formerly avoidant, mostly FA, or maybe I just can't relate to others and stop watching after one video.
Seconding this! I've gotten snarkier than I can be proud of in replying to people like that lol, they just aggravate me so much. I'm mostly AP (about half secure now) so I get the pain, but I feel like there's a huge lack of accountability evident in most of those comments. They generalize about DAs and/or FAs like some people generalize about all men or all women or all [insert any demographic here] and it's just as prejudiced and irresponsible.
People are rude in almost every comment section I’ve seen-no matter the content. I hate it! Idk why people can’t just say things in a nicer way or keep it to themselves.
The DA I dealt with did that last point a lot and it confused me at the time because I didn’t know much about dismissives and I found it to be a way of avoiding other things so as an FA and started pulling away.
I'm so tired of the negativity to DA's 🙄. Maybe if this spitefulness underneath it all is your attitude towards the people you date, they hesitate to get closer for a good reason.
@@0Demiyah0 Or maybe, just maybe I didn't have any idea what a DA was until I had a terrible relationship with one and my attitude is based upon personal experience.
@@EVCarGuy if I would go off of my personal experience with two AP's, I would write such awful comments about them. But I know that my experience with person A or B isn't a generalisation of an entire population 😒. Why don't you use these videos to work on your own programming rather than demonize an entire demographic.
@@0Demiyah0Considering you know absolutely ZERO about me as a person or what I have experienced and worked through, I will not pass judgment on your comments. I feel as though I studied everything I could find on the subject matter while involved with the DA I was dating; and continued learning after the relationship in order to NEVER repeat it. The fact that my comment struck a nerve with you is something I find "interesting". Enjoy your day!
Thanks for the videos, I'm finding them helpful. I have a question re navigating things with a DA. In your experience, do DAs who later regret breaking up do anything to try and get things on track once they realise they messed up? Or are they too fearful of being rejected etc? What are your thoughts on whether the one they dumped could/should reach out at a later time to see if they still feel the same or not? In the past I would've thought it should be the one who ended things who should put things right. But I'm guessing that the majority of DAs wouldn't do this, even if they wanted the relationship back. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions on this? Thanks
I wouldn’t wait for a DA to ever come back. We broke up also for no reason and the relationship was great while it lasted. I got ghosted out of the blue. At the time, I didn’t attachment styles but now I do. So don’t hold your breadth … mine has been gone for 11 months.
In my experience, they most likely won’t come back due to fear of rejection (fear of neglect?). However if they truly regretted it, they would take you back pretty instantly as the “fear” over “feelings” (which most likely caused the sudden break up in the first place) would no longer be a problem. If the cause of breakup isn’t fear-over-feelings than the situation could be completely different. Do you feel like you made an unforgivable mistake? In the end, if you have a gut feeling DA still cares, DA probably does. And if you believed the “spark” to be worthy of it, don’t let your ego stop you from reaching out to him/her. He/she may be waiting for exactly that. ❤
Currently been dealing with a situationship for awhile. We’re at a distance but communication is open. I feel like I have to do the effort. I express and he barely only when he wants. We’re like at a stall. I tend to be blunt and tell the issue and he retracts 🤦🏽♀️. On and off energy. I was always confused. Wait is he interested or not. 🥴This year I had to put my boundaries up and I don’t know if he’s not communicating bcuz I said no which I didn’t do before. Maybe it’s the rejection but there’s a reason even though I wanted to see him. I want to move forward from our situationship. So hard and so different. Feelings still for him. 🤪
It was long distance but he did text consistently but would say he wanted to see me but never followed thru, he had lots of work commitments but after 3 months of not seeing him I broke it off. He did say he didn't want a relationship, the whole situation was too confusing
Lol I’m an FA, but after watching both videos I apparently text more like a DA. Definitely only reach out with memes or jokes and get overwhelmed with too much texting.
We met on a dating app (Lol) when we first started chatting it was really consistent but I did hear from him at least once or twice through the day and he’d even call me ( but usually had a friend present to help keep the conversation going) our first time hanging out was with him and his friends (who carried the conversation as he just stood by) lol eventually it led to him feeling a bit more comfortable talking to me and would invite me to come around more often but honestly I didn’t think he was that interested in me because I didn’t know what I know now…. One day it was a usual night and hanging out with him and his friends when he randomly kissed me…I was shocked because I truly didn’t think he was interested and the confusion caused me to distance myself a little which caused him to also distance himself….this cycle between us went on a little over a year until now we actually have a healthy dynamic and have certainly gotten closer over time both understanding eachother a lot better
Question- my DA was doing all of these until a week ago when she suddenly stopped and is now asking for space. We both said we loved each other for the first time the week before that. I have been giving her the space she asked for, but I don’t know if this is a sign of the beginning of the end? 😓 And thank you Thais for all your shared wisdom and guidance 🙏❤️
Sometimes after DA’s open up too much or be very vulnerable they retreat. Thais has some vids up on that too and what you can try. Sounds like that may be what’s happening
Channel your inner secure. If you were a parent and your child was walking away, what would you do? Let them walk away, check in with them once or twice to let them know you are there. And just observe without taking it personally. That is hard, but just do it. If they walk away, it is their wiring
The person I date now for 3,5 month .. won’t text, he calls when I text. After the last two weekends he wrote I felt great with me. When we are together, we spend the whole weekend together, but he said every ones ore second weekend should be enough for now. If I write, sometimes he doesn’t read it. I asked what’s going on? He said , if this happens I should call him. We have a long distance relationship ( is this a relationship?). When we are together he really shows up, I met his friends, his sister… is this a good sign? I really like this person.
Is "consistent" stand for consistently every two weeks? Lol Yes, the pictures, joke, RU-vid video links, phone calls, and first to reach out. Always replies, too. But always these consistent gaps... two weeks.
As long as it's every two weeks, then yes, that's consistency for a DA. They don't have the same need for connection that other attachment types do, and they kind of work from an Out of sight/out of mind way of thinking. So if you are getting initiation from them, AND they reply when you reach out first, they like you.
He actually told me tonight that he doesn't attach himself to anyone, he said he's able to walk away from relationships & just move on...I dont know if he was warning me because he knows its coming soon or what...He is in the process of moving to another city, we are long distance now, but he said when he moves he's gonna just diaconnect from everyone and stay by himself...I said, "from me too?", and he said, no, but I'm not as sure...He's had some rough family issues going on where he is now and had a falling out with his daughter, and it really hurt him...Well, I guess I just have to see what happens when he moves...But I'm kinda on edge about it...We've been sharing some deep stuff lately, but am I just someone he's temporarily leaning on until he gets his life put back together? 🤔
My DA Guy d ok es all those things and even at times we've talked every single day for a long time a day long periods of time. But the same thing has happened for the past 5 years. I guess the point where I want more and I want my my knees to be met and he backs away and he says I am crazy. I am needing to get myself under control. I am to clingy etc etc. So then we back up. So then I'm ready to say fine. We're not what you want then I'm going to move on. And yeah it's hard cuz I really love this guy but then I'll try and try not to engage. Not to talk not to do anything and then he'll come back to me. But then it'll be the same thing. He'll do the follow through. He'll do the memes. He'll do the jokes. He'll do the texting. He'll do the this. I'll do the that and then when I went more when I think oh he's changed. Oh he wants more too. He backs away again. How much longer should I deal with this? Does this mean he's just not interested in changing or what?
My DA for months is texting me non stop. Around 3-4 hours a day and yes I like it but I do fear in the later stages of our relationship it will suffocate him. Shall I try text him less and talk on the phone or see how it goes?
My DA was planning dates and showing interest and was very invested and then all of a sudden he disappeared. He still contacts me with funny memes everyday and or interesting videos but never any actual conversation. I dont know whether to ignore him and just go no contact or respond and be patient please help. 🥺
Taisa, thank you so much for this channel. I've leant so much since I discovered your channel a few days ago. Do you have a Patreon? Is there some way that your listeners can give back to you, in return for what you're doing for us?
#4 my ex DA used to always call and say lotsa crazy stuff and start laughing! A lot of times I found myself laughing cause it was sooo crazy and sinister, the stuff he would say!
What about if after the honeymoon period and the hell period (sabotaging the relationship, hot and cold, not wanting sex anymore...), you inform them you break up (and why), and they go on with just texting, but every day texting? Is it a way of giving breadcrumbs just to keep you available, giving breadcrumbs to feed their ego, or a way to show they still love you? (Or they love you again after stopping loving you because... he is a DA). He invited me for a lunch after the breakup, we both showed up as friends, for the first time he talked about his anger against his father and the bad way he was and is still treating him. He also told me that he didn't want sex anymore because it was not bringing him what it did before (he was very sexual). I feel that he is questioning the whole thing. I did not manage to talk with him about his attachment style (gave a few hints talking about me, but he just shuts down every time). I'm wondering if a strict "no contact breakup" would be best or worst than a slow ghosting (which I hate) so that it's not traumatic and he goes on with his work on himself. I'm still OK to be a friend and support him in his journey if this is what's going on. He's very nice as a friend, and we also lots of common friends and activities. But I don't want texting and friendship be a way of not helping him do the job.
@@captasn4359 I'm secure, not anxious. The thing that triggered him during the honeymoon phase was that, hey, everything was going well. I broke up after a month of "downward spiral", we stayed friends, but I recognised the "not acknowledging the breakup" and maybe trying to breadcrumb, thinking I was still on the back burner kind of pattern. So I ended the friendship too, no contact, done.
@@darlingnikki869 sure but it’s still a trap. Someone that’s avoidant can pull you into being anxious and vice versa. It doesn’t make you anxious all the time but it can make you start questioning things before you know what’s going on
So confusing. I've seen my DA for the last 8 months 1-2 maybe even 3 times a week. He shows all these signs, is consistant and reliable, does things for me, is telling me how much I mean to him and that he is afraid to lose me, sends me a good morning text every day, initiaes most of our "dates" himself BUT... And the but is as guessed. Just friends 🙄 I'm having a hard time trusting my self and these signs when someone is telling me otherwise. But maybe it truly is a paradox, he can care for me deeply and still not want anything more.
Same with the DA I was dealing with but at the time I wasn’t aware about attachment theory and I found it very confusing and tried to push him into being decisive which just led to a lot of arguments and pull away only for him to come back but still not be decisive. What I would say is use The scripts Thais has about how to get the need moving with a DA by talking to them in a language they understand. I think she has a vid up about it. How to slowly get them towards that decision.
Have you established physical intimacy (not sex necessarily, but physical contact in general)? If not, maybe he is saying that 'just friends' because he is afraid of getting rejected physically so you could take the lead with that, to give him 'permission' to be physical. Otherwise it could be hard for him to break the ice.
@@thecurrentmoment we started out as FWB a year and a half ago, I broke it off due to my own attachment issues I wasn't aware of at the time. Got back in touch three months later as "just friends". He said he didn't want to mix sex into this, but was fine with kissing etc. He can be very affectionate, hugs me every time we see, sometimes touches me just walking by, is very warm. And then there's the typical avoidant side to him. He can just jump up when there's too much closeness, there's always a rationalised excuse for everything. At first we didn't see so often, maybe a couple of times a month for about 4-5 months, then suddenly something changed in him like a switch and he started to show up in a very different way. And since that we have been seeing weekly. He said he's convinced that if there would be a commitment and if for what ever reason it wouldn't work, then we couldn't see eachother anymore and he would lose me for good. I haven't pushed for sex, as we agreed on boundaries and I wasn't comfortable myself with having sex with "just a friend" and I told him that. Don't really know how to approach this. I am afraid of rejection.
I found it really interesting what was said about DAs who text constantly usually being enmeshed . Would love to hear more about enmeshed DAs and the dynamics of that type of relationship. I would have thought it would be extremely difficult for them to get that overly close / dependant to anyone to begin with .
Im curious about this too. As a DA ive had many relationships where i feel a compulsion to keep a conversation going day and night. The reasons have varied but looking back, my motivations were a little twisted
Procasternating me depression it doesn't work okay pal pay dictating envious people haven't got a show in a relationship good job use get court all the time so I don't really listen to make up good aye
