They don't like the fact that others can do things they can't. If you rattle off a list of famous musicians to them for example, they'll diss each and every one to the maximum level, as curtly and obtusely as possible, because in their mind, the attention of the world should be directed solely to themselves, as the greatest person in the world, and not lowly entertainers. The huge amounts of money that are showered on them should be given instead to the narcissist themselves, tenfold over. The lying or attacks on others is a form of establishing an immutable dominance hierarchy - no prizes guessing whose at the top, with his acolytes, devotees and sycophants a mile or two below him and everyone who failed to recognise his genius sitting at the lowest possible level of human existence, fifty or a hundred miles below the high pedestal he sits on. The pedestal is like Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square - you can barely see the statue of the guy up there but you are left in no doubt as to who runs the show there, and what they think of those at ground level where YOU and everyone else stand.
If anything happens, due to my father, he sees any notice of it as a personal attack (even very small things). For example, he dropped a cup with soda in it. Most would be like, “Oops, let me clean that up!” He will say things like, “The cup hit the table,” or, “ the cup slipped from my hand.” He always blames the item or others. He has never accepted any responsibility for anything unless it shines a positive light on him. It’s ridiculous.
Wow. This explains a lot. Answers my question perfectly. They'll even lie to you when you were there, you saw and heard what happened, and they know you know the truth!
I asked my sister to empty the vacuum after filling it, her immediate response is "I did!" Even though it's sitting there as plain as day with a full bin smh
You're funny! Run just 🏃😂😂😂 These people need to meet Jesus Christ. He's the only one that can help them. The Rx: Ask Jesus Christ to fill you will His Holy Spirit, which is Love, to reveal all truth to you, and read the New Testament. Everything you were lacking previously, Jesus Christ will be that for you 💖 Do this every day.. Your life will be transformed.
@@carriesmith4357 I can assure you that even if the narc meets JESUS...he will find a way to use HIM..& when the narc has had what miracle he or she needs...they will turn their BACK on FATHER GOD...who doesn't let them use HIM...& will have them reap what they have sowed..This way is the sure way that the narc will hate GOD...so how can they be saved? May GOD have mercy on them....
Narcissists rewrite history so well and repeat the same lies, they strongly believe in them. This is why they come across as "trustworthy" in the beginning, because their lies are consistent... we usually expect "inconsistencies" when someone is lying. Over time, when we try to match their words with their actions, we notice these are lies, too.
This is how they use lying to gaslight their victims, by lying consistently and constantly over and over and over again, until they break down the sanity of their victim and make the victim question their own sanity.
dee iacobellis I think in some way it is entertaining to them in some respects, to know themselves that they have “gotten one over on you” and also because of the ego boost it gives them if something doesn’t sound right and you try to ask more about it - the attention that brings them and also the ability to turn that around and use it against you i.e. guilt trips and emotional blackmail (‘why ask so many questions, don’t you believe me?! ect) and then using such examples of “your behaviour” again in the future over and over to remind you of “your place” - beneath them, someone to berate to make what they have done (which they know themselves) insignificant and you as being the one with the “problem”. All of which come in handy for the future manipulation for the narc; “gaslighting” for example until they basically eviscerate a person to the point they cannot even trust their own judgement anymore. At times I think it’s possible to catch the mask slipping - for instance the quick glee that crosses their face when they forget or the laughter they may emit (usually when they know they’ve produced fear, disgust or shock) and then just pass off as what they said as a “joke” and that your the one with the issue for taking issue with something which they may have said which to your average person would be downright grotesque. Also theres only certain places or people they do this or act this way around because they know in public certain things wouldn’t be tolerated or make them look good but they have confidence that if you shared things with people on the “outside” they probably wouldn’t believe you because of the way people perceive the narc or because the narc believes that they could use manipulation on them and turn the other against the person sounding it out with someone else - someone who “dared” to even try taint their reputation or the perception other people have of them, even if that wasn’t even the persons intention. To them, I think, its justifying the “punishment” they dole out at a later date if they feel slighted by a person.
Yep! I had someone do that to me. They told me they had no money. And then showed me a picture of their bank account of their withdrawals. I was like so! Where is the copy of your balance!?! That's the proof! But I never saw that because he never showed me. Then he told me " I thought you were intelligent?" I seriously feel sorry for anyone who deals with that guy....
Thus usually means they're telling you the truth....the truth about themselves! They have either done what they are accusing you of, have thought about doing, or that's the way they see their own self. This is projection at its purest form. We all project at times in our life. This is daily in their alternate reality. Listen, really listen & pay attention to what they say in everyday conversations or random offhand comments. When they are putting people down or talking behind backs. Especially when they are adamant & "know" that you (or anyone for that matter) have done (or said..or thought) whatever they accuse you of.... they are telling on themselves!!! Amazing how that miswired brain functions. I can't say "works" cause that would be wrong... They live in fantasy island, alternate reality, parallel universe, upside-down world, Ass backwards land. The crazymaking will turn a victims mind into jello. •GOSO• 💨🏃🏻♀️✈
And in turn, he hurts you with every word he spits from his mouth. Not only talking to you, but to your friends, other family members and associates too.
Then mine is about to collapse when she has the feeling i know. While we intimate in the bed, ill tell her "comon baby lets go to sleep despite all the lies you ve been telling in my face and behind me". She will be like "what do you mean" & "ill be like sometimes people are aware of all your secrets but they just wanna see how far you are willing to cover yourself out of ridicule. No worries baby lets get some rest, tomorrow will be a better day". Or else say "baby did you really plan to hold the hands of your lies and secrets till we get married? Would t it bother you the least of the world? Wow, nevermind what i said, lets go to sleep, i love you baby". My narc is such a coward or she hurt so many people that she jumps up at every small noise". I swear she gonna be scared & she will pack and leave as soon as she can & start an insanity campaign against me.
4:10 They're extremely vindictive and calculating. Their memories of "offenses" is uncanny. But I will tell you if the narcissist finds the victim retaliating against the narcissist they will claim that the VICTIM is extremely calculating and also mentally ill. Watch for that.
That sounds right to me. My mother called me a liar from about 10 years old and I was always in trouble for 'lying' - yet they were always imagined. I think it was about power, as then she was able to physically punish me. She wouldn't have had any power in normal circumstances as she wasn't strong physically, but with me she was able to exert physical power as I was tiny, only 4'8" and very slight and with a physical disability.
This is exactly what my sister does. She has done this concerning her own parenting, also she had a baby at 16 and when our dad got there he was so disappointed and angry. She created a lie that he tried to strangle her. She's told that lie for forty years. She sees her parenting as loving and wonderful. Anything bad that happened was her husbands fault. The trouble is I saw, our mom saw, her friends saw how abusive she was. Recently, our mom passed away. Mom had ALS and I was her caretaker until October 2020 and placed her in a skilled nursing center. My sister would never visit. And when she died and I told her, she said 'well you stupidly thought she'd live forever.' She lied about me to me! So planning the funeral, calling the many many people who knew and loved our mom, all the preparations are on me. We are 56 and 53 and at this point in my life I just can't see keeping this relationship going. I'm exhausted!
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
Very accurate! The problem is......telling who these people are beforehand.....so you don't get involved with them.....or lose too much of your life to their crap.
In sheeps clothing and/or character disturbance by George k Simon is a big help. You can listen to the books on audible if you're not much for reading. One thing about dangerous personalities is they all manipulate. If you can spot manipulators, triangulation, gaslighting and lovebombing you can spot these creatures quickly.
You can't know beforehand. The important thing is to be able to recognize the signs as soon as you see them so you can disengage as quickly as possible. Everyone's nice at first, especially Cluster B's. But they all have a mask that slips, eventually.
I like that you pointed out that narcissists lie because the truth is offensive to them. Great point! And that they feel as though a lie isn't truly a lie if what they're saying is how it "should have occurred" in the first place.
The ex sociopath that I was with for 25 yrs would lie by Omission! He would never answer anything, would just stand there. I also noticed every thought that bounced around in that screwed up brain, he believed! Or if he felt angry, slighted or paranoid then somebody had to of done something to make him feel that way. If he thought it, imagined it then it must be true! He loved word salad & gaslighting. If we were in disagreement he would repeat the same thing over & over again. There was Zero communication. He would get aggressive & violent. Punching walls, doors. Picking up chairs and slamming them. Threatening to punch me in my face. I felt like I was married to a 2 year old maniac. It almost killed me, mentally, spiritually & physically.
@@michelleblackmon6934 So sorry to hear. I hope you can cut it lose before the damage is too far done. I know we don't know each other & I don't tell people what to do, but I do when I see dysfunction/ toxicity/abuse. Fam & friends wouldn't say much to me about leaving him. I wish they did, but would I have listened? I told myself all the time to go, I didn't listen to my own advice. I stayed & hoped & wished until he made sure to hurt me so bad, sadisticlly bad, to the point of devastation. How I wish I could've saved myself from the torture & that deep in the soul pain & stayed gone the handful of times I left him. I wish you the best & hope you can find peace & happiness. Xoxo
When confronted with others truth, vulnerable narcissists use tears & emotional manipulation to infer its a personal attack. Truth denied equals a lie.
My ex is a narcissist. I think he would lie for all the reasons you said-to protect himself, pump himself up, to create a less offensive narrative, etc. However, he sometimes lied when he didn’t have to-as though it were a habit or a way of playing someone for the sake of doing so. Also, he seemed to actually believe the lies he told.
@SanzL That behaviour is the gaslighter's bread and butter. So many seemingly inconsequential lies are hugely problematic if the narc decides to go on the offensive; denying everything that did occur and insisting that things that didn't happen, did. When the narc has engaged in a period of non stop 'little lies' for a while before overtly gaslighting, it's extremely difficult to call on previous conversations, or events to defend/rebutt. Those convos and events were full of little lies, that changed if they were bought up. It can easily lead you to question your memory, or mental health. It's traumatising. If you meet anyone who appears to tell lots of really small lies, for what seems no obvious reason reason... walk away. Seriously.
@@Petticca oh, you better believe it. One good thing that I got from the narc is discernment and inner strength. I don’t believe that I’d tolerate that bs for a second!
Sad but true. Both my parents ticked a lot of these boxes, both are very much alone now. Of course everyone else is to blame, but they are just left with their anger, rage and ultimately feelings of shame and worthlessness.
Let's not denigrate aloneness. There is nothing inherently wrong or shameful about being alone. A lot of people, especially those who would be vulnerable to abusers, would benefit greatly from choosing to be alone. Plus the vast majority of narcissistic people I've known over many years were NOT alone. Quite the opposite as they were able to dupe those around them into thinking they were harmless, or they surrounded themselves with other emotionally shallow or narcissistic people, of which there are plenty. The whole "old and alone" trope should go. We're ALL better off alone and in good company - our own - than selling ourselves out for the sake of having someone to do with.
It ALWAYS catches up to them and they are to conceited to even notice it coming till it slaps them in the face. Then for the first time in thier lives they really ARE the victims. OF THIER OWN ACTIONS.
@@jamesrutter4100 I recently ended a friendship and it was pretty hilarious to see this guy starts screaming as we got caught in another tall tale about history or sporting events. He screamed "Google doesn't always tell the truth!" He did a crazy WORD SALAD to show that I and him were both right about some fact about the movie... so was instantly rebuffed by various sources online This person wasn't just lying about trivial facts but they're also lying about things and people that I caught contradictions in. Like you say, it's amazing how CONCEITED INDEED in that that they thought they could keep the lie going. I went NO CONTACT after that
"A lie repeated a thousand times becomes truth" - this is something I sense in narcissist. Like they want get your agreement with their lie to feel legitimate in their statements.
Mum(NPD) has had affairs with all my ex partners. Because my father has been diagnosed with BPD and is very codependent. Dad told my two brothers to keep her first affair with my first boyfriend secret. This continued for eight years. No one has told me but both brothers half told me without any names or meaningful facts, years after the relationship ended. Suffice to say I have no contact with any family members and never will again. Thank Dr. Grande
Omg..I’m so sorry ...so happy you got away from that whole family. She is very sick. And you are free. So free yourself of that be healed. Your life is yours, and I wish you all the love in the world to be the best version of yourself now as a beautiful individual 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸💓
Spreading of rumors and lies in someone's workplace out of envy, competition, or out of vengeance, has devastating consequences for someone's career and life. Question is how come that large groups of people are so eager to accept the lies and get manipulated in playing the game of these liers without questioning?
this exact thing destroyed my career. not very good humans. they need to be put on blast. publicly and socially, avoiding these vile people need to be given the same fate they planned for us.
Yes. It's such a strange feeling when a close narcissist blatantly lies to your face seemingly without conscience. When you absolutely KNOW the truth. It truly shows what they're capable of. The thing that struck me when this happened, was how odd it is that they can be SO certain and correct about absolutely everything else going on and yet, in this one thing, all of a sudden, they have absolutely no recollection whatsoever of the event. That all of a sudden their memory has failed them and the incident, as far as they're concerned, truly never happened. Something that occurred that they were actively involved in, verbally outspoken about, within the previous 24hrs. Yet it NEVER happened. And the look on their face of total innocence and calm resolve with their lie is so insulting and disrespectful when on the receiving end of it! But honestly, the reality of that situation from my perspective is that there's just no point in wasting the time, energy, mental work or even breath, on attempting to communicate with them further about the matter. It's just ridiculous. In my case I finally walked away. Hallelujah.
@@nancyparker8363 I suppose it could be but this person has been called out before and they were viciously rageful when they couldn't escape the truth when presented by several people at once. Such toxic energy. But yes, I do think that's a possibility in some cases.
For me personally that is the worst trait of narcisstic people. I had a long relationship with a someone who constantly lied to me and after the years i actually didnt trust myself anymore, i had lost my intuition completely, i really didnt know whats left or right anymore metaphorically speaking. I was constantly asking myself if i was crazy or if i am the problem (also because of the gaslighting), felt ashamed not to trust etc. Still now about three years later i have immense problems to trust because i am so afraid of this abuse trough lies i lived through.
Now Dr. Grande gets to the heart of the matter. Exactly, they are not interested in helping people by telling them the truth about something. This person remained silent down to the present day. A lot of lying by omission and then eternal silence. Thank you for your work. I'm already too much in your debt, I know it.
I got the impression, narcissists think people are dumb. They think if telling a lie continuously, people will believe it. And they themselves believe it. After listening to this video, I got the old song "Cars" by Gary Numan, replaying in my head.
@@gavins9846 Yes! You nailed it! My ex would pick apart everything I said assuming it was all lies (to the point it was ridiculous!)... then one day I realized she WANTED me to be a liar... to justify her own constant lying... She despised me for being honest and loyal... and all the other things she wanted to be but never could. At every opportunity she'd say... "I can't stand liars! I despise them! I hate cheaters and liars with a passion!"...or... "I never lie! Not even a white lie to save my own ass!" Guess who turned out to be the biggest liar and cheater I've ever encountered in my life??? Lol... but of course it was never her fault! Her accusations were all projections!... All the things she hated about herself were dumped on me.
If you've ever had the misfortune of having to deal with a narcissist, you can salvage a bit of entertainment out of the situation by steering all your conversations with them into a recorded medium like text messages or emails. Narcissists do tend to be very good at the act of lying (eg saying nonsense with overwhelming confidence and breezing past any mild objections in the moment), but the underlying logic/story is often easily identified as self-serving. Get a transcript of what they've said and it usually doesn't take too long before it's clear they are contradicting themselves whenever it suits them
Wait until they are in a aging process and they are unble to wear any of their masks anymore or lose practice of their pretensive skills they once relied upon to collect new supply. Holy crap !!!!!
@@carolemuir5048 Yep I think I'm seeing that in process now. They lose the charm/allure of youth, while their views harden and their tales of past glory and struggles against endless foes becomes less and less concerned what anyone else thinks or even believes. They take small delights in petty trivialities as their actual power diminishes.
@@urallnutz5294 @Urall Nutz I have no doubt, that you more than likely are !! Its both pathetic and sad, but you have to stand your ground and put yourself first. Take what you can, learn from and set or take back your life to a higher self. My processing is still new, and I notice he only contacts me when he needs to unload, or it is my guess he is being rejected in his need of seeking supply. Still looking for it from me, as he becomes more in his own misery of being able to keep his masks on, growing more frustrated when I stand up for myself, set boundaries and through his lash outs- I end up asserting myself, calling him out. I know he went as far as to contact an ex gf, and more recently threw a child-like temper tantrum that everyone else was at fault and I was compared to the other relationships that *he destroyed.
@@MissHMSilk True! However, as soon as you find out you can go into "damage control" mode: you need to know who you are as a person, accept your own flaws, yet be aware that no matter how imperfect you are, no one has the right to abuse you. Just walk away. Cut all contact. Be mentally prepared for the fact that you will always have to pay a high price for having dealt with that narcissist, even if he's no longer in your life. Pay it anyway and stay in your own lane. Trust God will intervene in your situation. Pray every day. Be patient, it will take way more time than you had hoped for. It will eventually be alright. Sending you much love
@@MissHMSilk it's not only great advice what H'elia is saying to you but it's the real way to get away from the NARC..& for the strength you need to go to the ALMIGHTY GOD to have it ...who will also be the ONE to battle for you...giving you VICTORY...over the evil demonic narc..rem were not fighting against people but against the evil spirits that live in them...Have you ever wondered why narcs are all the same in the entire world? Well bc demons are the same WHEREVER you go...Search & find GOD...& you will also find VICTORY...GOD BLESS
Great video! Now we "know". Knowing helps us protect ourselves from them and decipher intent. They say the truth hurts and they never want to be the one that is hurt....they much prefer that we hurt...end of story. Thank you.
Re: “Lying for no clear purpose”. I had a relationship with a woman who lied pathologically, even when there seemed to be no need to lie. My best guess as to why she did this was because it was slightly less painful to lie than to tell the truth. But I suspect this is true of all types of lies. M. Scott Peck in his book “The People of the Lie” suggests that the origins of evil lies in the habitual decision to take the easy path.
Deborah Carroll I understand. It can be so painful when Narcissists assassinate our character and spread false statement and they are believed by some of the people in their circle.
Be Careful when you meet a human Not All Humans are ALIKE. THE SHORT FAT ONES ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS . WHY?? BECAUSE THEY ARE ENVIOUS OF THE GOOD LOOKING ONES . THEY HAVE INFERIORITY COMPLEX. THEY WILL WANT TO MAKE YOU UGLY AS MUCH AS THEY CAN. EX WHEN I GOT ME A JOB FOR A 500 CO. ON PARK AVE. A STAFF MEMBER ITALIAN GIRL I ASKED IF SHE WOULD SHOW ME WHERES THE CAFETERIA AND THE ONLY WORDS CAME OUT OF HER MOUTH WERE. : " I HATE YOU " AFTER 2 DAYS OF BEING THERE. SO I ASKED HER WHY YOU SAY THAT. SHE SAID "BECAUSE I WANTED THAT JOB " AND YOU GOT IT .
I actually appreciate (what I assume) is his natural temperament.. or at least his professional one.. I feel grounded because of that, along with what he shares and the words he uses to share it.. He's informative, explanatory and stable. He pays attention to the words he's using and aware that what he says makes an impact.
If anyone has trouble dealing with a narcissist, I have some advice for you: 1: Simply cut them out of your life entirely. Simplest way to solve the problem. Addition by subtraction. You will almost always be better off in the long term by choosing this option. It may cause more trouble at first, but you will end up in a better situation later. 2: Never attempt to work with them if it takes too much work to do so and often ends up massively in their favor any time you do so. Work around them whenever you can and exclude them from anything you can exclude them from. This allows you to deal with them less and perhaps give them the hint you no longer have interest in dealing with them. If they confront you about this, tell them the truth that you are tired of dealing with them and will no longer do so any time you don't have to. 3: Stop conceding anything to them. Do not allow them to make you into their doormat. Their behavior will never change or get better if you simply cave to them because you're tired of dealing with them. I suggest advice #1 or 2 instead. If you must deal with them, challenge them at all times and make it as uncomfortable for them as possible to continue to try to lie to you, or anyone around you. This makes it no longer worth their time to try to do anything through you, in which case you win anyway. 4: Never give them anything for free anymore either. Force them to earn anything you do for them by first doing something for you of equal or greater value. Most narcissists, I've noticed, are so extremely lazy and selfish that they will refuse to do anything of equal value in return for something. This again makes them not deal with you, which is another win for you since they leave you alone. 5: Call them out on their bs whenever you can if you are in their presence. Make it uncomfortable for them to lie around you. Let people around you know you want nothing to do with them because they are a lying narcissist. I'm not sure if Dr. Grande will agree with this, but I have never see a narcissist redeem themselves and stop lying any time in my life. Maybe if everyone cuts them off, they might become forced to change, but short of that, I don't see it happening since they typically will move on to another mark(s) and begin duping them instead.
You have done a great job with simplifying the differences between how the narcissist behaves vs. Psychopath vs. Melodramatic. I was in a relationship with a guy who was such a conniver. This guy always had to get one up in you. It was always tit for tat. Nothing was ever a free gift with him. Everything he ever did for you he wanted something in return. He was constantly blowing trumpets, absolutely no humility and it doesn't matter how much suffering or inconvenience he inflicted on others. For example, he had befriended a guy who knew plumbing. He convinced this plumber/handyman to replace a pipe which from his kitchen down to his basement. The financial cost of that job was $1,000 worth of work. After all of the work was done he says to his "friend" "thanks pal, I'll have you over for dinner thinking that that is adequate compensation for that amount of plumbing work. He constantly manipulated and exploited people and did not know how to respect other people's boundaries. He couldn't understand why former "friends" could not stand him; including myself.
You described my ex perfectly! He washed out of basic training the first week, but wears navy sweats and tells everyone he was a navy seal 😂 Now our oldest son is actually in the army and he is taking all the credit. I think when he gets back from deployment he is going to resent his father's stolen valor.
Wow!! So eye-opening! Narcissists truly see everything as a quid pro quo. Drove me crazy! There were no real favors or generosity. . . It was always always transactional, and they were keeping score. I would be reminded of it too. . . Why is that??
Narc here. I won't tell many lies - at least that I'm aware; there's a lot of self deception with this condition, so I dunno - but here are reasons I lie, or at least distort or curate the truth: 1. Buff up on a skill I see as useful 2. Get out of a problematic scenario 3. So I don't look like an asshole 4. It's fun duping people 5. Manipulate people so I get a favorable outcome 6. Cause confusion and chaos (related to No. 4)
How narc can you be if you're telling these brutal truths about yourself? That's some self awareness there! Self awareness is not on the narc menu. The only awareness at work is knowledge of their victim's weakness.
I recognized some of my own personality and character and moral disorders in this pod cast. I m on the spectrum, and know acknowledgement is simply the beginning of taking personal responsibilities. As always 🙏🏽👁👂
Wow- I so admire you being willing to admit. I see things like this I do too and I am a big over sensitive empath codependent trying to heal from a vicious narc rel. There is a spectrum in terms of many flaws and characteristics If we all could just work on ourselves but I do know narcs are not capable of knowing themselves. I do think they often get the cruelty of their actions and sadly it helps them discharge the cruelty their parents inflicted on them. Of course this just makes us get the hell out of there and they are eventually left alone w their dissatisfied lives
I have a relative that seems to fit here. If he lies, he argues that it wasnt a technical lie. He can't take criticism, or viewing himself in a negative light in any way.
"Deny, Deny Deny" the Narcissist tool. So glad I found your channel Dr G. I graduated from Waterloo University here in Canada with a degree in psych and find your analysis right on the mark. However I try not to listen to your videos before bed since your voice is so damn calming that it lulls me to sleep. So lucky to have access to this info you have no idea. Bravo! M
Experienced all and finally got away from the narcissist whose main interest was to degrade me, dismiss my artistic talents, criticize all I was doing out of sheer jealousy.
Thanks for this. Provides me with some reasoning behind the man that lied to me every day for years. My particular 'favourite' lie was " I havent seen my friend for months" (female harem member) when actual fact, he was coaching her 3 nights a week at the gym.
Dude. I work with a guy who is TEXTBOOK like this. I mean to the T. I didn't really know exactly what narcissism entailed before this video (the "im so awesome n nothing is my fault" was all i was familiar with). But wow. The compulsive lying and the license plate analogy...Nailed it. Had a very similar situation with aforementioned co-worker. I once needed him to log onto a work computer so that i could get to the desktop to get online and reset my password. He simply needed to log on... i didn't need his info, i told him he could watch to make sure i was doing nothing shady.... and still, he sits down and pretends he's forgot his fucking password. We all log in EVERY DAY with our users and passwords. We can't do any of our work without them. He knew his shit. But in a feeble attempt to make evading my request seem more "legit"... he types in some 4 letter bs (our PWs have to be at least 8 charcters, pffft).... which of course fails the login attempt... &says "Huh. Yep, See? It's not working, weird. Sorry!".. all to avoid helping me because either A. Inconvenience or B. Distrust. A feeling which i would TOTALLY understand, but any normal person would simply say "Ahh.. im not super comfortable with that, can you have someone else do it?" ... He's also stated that he is a licensed therapist and owner of several hair salons (i shit you not, lol this dude is nuts) and that he just works at our labor intensive minimum wage job 'for fun', basically. It isnt even a fun job. XD it's ungodly stressful. :p And oh man don't even get me started on how funny this man thinks he is, despite being full of nothing but (shit and) cringey dad jokes nobody finds funny. He thinks his work ethic is amazing. And just... yeah. Creepy type of people, man.
"lying is really no big deal"- definitely my daughter's attitude. never accountable. first she'll lie, saying she didn't do it. then when caught red-handed, she'll say she didn't mean to do it, or that she didn't know it was something bad. or she'll be mad at me, for "blowing it out of proportion anyway..." soooo frustrating!
Thank you, Dr Grande. Your videos are always interesting and informative. This one made me actually laugh because my daughter was married to a narcissistic cop for 13 years. I caught him in lies the very first couple of times that he was in my home, 17 years ago. It is amazing how much they lie. The divorce has dragged on for 3 years. He lied multiple times in divorce court, and is actively using parental alienation to get revenge on my daugbter divorcing him because of multiple affairs. The 1st time my daughter brought him to our home, I expressed to my husband that I sensed something was wrong with him. He reminded me of my father who was a narcissistic sociopath and spent time in 2 different prisons. Leavonworth, and Folsom. My daughter's ex couldn't tell the truth to save his own life. 😂 We won't be rid of him for years. Children are ages 14, 11, 7, and 5.
Ive noticed with my narc husband, ppl tend to see the real pos he is and eventually disappear. It takes a few months but they eventually move on. Only the real losers stick around longer. I pray every day that i escape this hell.
I’ve told my husband that I would engrave on his stone, “I’m not”. It’s his common words between us. Deny, deny, deny. I’m staying because I know he will crush me with my secrets and he will lie. Yes he puts me down in front of people. It makes him look good to people. He questions why people do things the way they do and not his way. I stay because now I’m over 60 and can’t support myself anymore. He made sure I spent my money while he saved his. My Husband watches everyone in the neighbourhood. He watches them. Puts them down. Criticizes me and others about the way they/me do things. When we got together I asked for two things. Kindness and Patience with no fighting in public. I promised him the same. Guess who kept the promises.
You could go missing and start a new life, you would be amazed how much life you have left in you when you get away. He sounds sick and it's important to get away as he gets older he will get meaner.
You're very helpful. I wish I'd had your info 30 yrs ago when I was married to a controlling, punitive Narcissist. I thought things were either simply my fault or that he was a misogynist, which is a pretty benign term for what they actually are!
I have lived with a narc for 23 years. He can say something and we talk back and forth about it and a month last if I say it he swears he never said it.
#3 explains why the victor writes history...making themselves appear just and right...when in reality, they were often the opposite, doing whatever had to be done, to win.
My ex husband narc lied about being severely abused as a child and cried like a baby while he lied. Said his mom poured boiling water on him and his dad broke his ankle, lol five years later and 1 child later I found out he broke his ankle at soccer camp.
As always, you hit this one out of the park, Dr. Grande! Understanding the difference between narcissism and psychopathy can be confusing, so providing specific examples of behaviors is very helpful! I think you could do a whole series comparing and contrasting behaviors!
The narc I was dating got so upset when I told him he lies. He did not want to accept that. He text me in all caps saying I don't lie ever! I just laughed. They are seriously mental. They want to be flawless. But people who know what narcissist are can't be fooled.
They like seeing others waste their time in confusion - that gives them a superiority boost - PLUS the added satisfaction that they pulled it off, themselves: 'Ain't-I-clever' boost. And cleverly can't get caught, i.e. 'That's not the number I told you, fool'.
I know someone who believes their own lie and is thoroughly convinced it is the truth despite all evidence being to the contrary. It causes immense suffering and trouble to all in his community of acquaintances, friends and family. It is impossible to have an mutually respectful and equally reciprocal relationship with such a person. In my observation the person came out of the womb being in disagreement with the world. Yet the other direct siblings are not like that.
When I spent 2 devastating years with a narcissist, he actually told me that I am always lying and he told everyone i was a liar. But the whole time, he was lying every day. He was the liar and an abuser. Unfortunately they are many. The past 3 years I've been dealing with having my reputation destroyed completely because another person who I think is a narcissist, a person who has no education, no money, no hair, no teeth, believes that I am crazy about him and trying to pursue him like some psycho. The truth is I have blocked this guy because he was writing me often and being disrespectful. I've blocked him since 2,5 years, I never speak to him and avoid him like the plague. Yet, he successfully managed to persuade a whole town that I'm somehow stalking him and I am going to stalk them too so they must avoid me at all cost. When I am out walking or buying a cup of tea or walking, he thinks I'm there in case he could show up. It's a small town. He's completely self glorifying.
I PRAY THAT your saving any messages, filming him stalking you but most of all FILE A REPORT ON HIM N GET A RESTRAINING ORDER. STAY SAFE!!!!! ALWAYS watch your surroundings.
"The narcissist tells a lie that should have been the truth [in their mind]." This is 100% eye opening! It really explains the "why and how could they lie like this." They don't see it as doing anything wrong. In the narcissist's mind, they were unjustly "hurt" so they're just erasing reality's truth and manipulating people to see "their own truth" instead. It's a sick thing to do, but now I see it clearly now on why it happened.
In my culture people lie so much not to hurt others' feelings. Such as if you are busy that day or want to be solitute, but your friend is wanting to meet you... People are very sensitive and may be lack of self-esteem that they can take it personal. Yet I understand that narcs are doing it with a lot of hidden intentions. I was thinking of this aspect last night and woke up today and found this video. Thank You💎🌹
He completely ignored each lie I'd told him I knew about, and went straight to how dare I question him/ how did I find out the truth, I must've been spying on him... so he deflected it back onto ME!!
The narcissist I know said he lies to make life more interesting,he’d lie as easily as breathing,he’d lie when he had absolutely nothing to gain,in the end I think he believed his own lies. The damage he did was huge.
So true, people lie for so many different reasons, which usually fit to their personalities perfectly. Those who're telling too many different lies at nearly the same time to persons, who know each other, were always the most fascinating ones to me. Bc some do it just for fun; not sure, if they're all psychopaths. & I've always wondered, if they're trying to challenge my intelligence and/or my memory. (?) (Some were just testing if I even listen closely to them). However, most times I've pretended not to notice it, depending on the overall situations and just in case, they're in fact toxic, dangerous persons, I've figured it's better, they're underestimating me/my intelligence/my memories. & When they turned out to become a danger, it's been lot of fun to tell them all their inconsistencies all at once very surprisingly - usually this stopped them dead in their tracks. Again a very interesting video, Dr Grande!
The destruction comes when they are able to: (a) construct lies that are somehow plausible to bystanders, whilst (b)perpetuating the most heinously callous crimes against their target that are so outlandish that no one believes the target/ survivor of their abuse.
I lived this nightmare for 25 years. She lived a complete double life cheating almost daily with multiple men. Even much younger than her. She had fetishes like dogging and having sex in public toilets in the mall. With me she pretended to be the perfect wife who would never cheat.
Found this very interesting. It really is a great way or version to explain the lies they tell and if you have never been in a relationship with a narcissist its almost inconceivable for most to believe that this occurs on a constant level. After over 13 years in a relationship with a narcissist I can tell you there's no end to the amount or extremeness of those lies.
1. narcissists are highly confident liars 2. tend to engage in blatant lying 3. lie to make themselves look better in comparison to others 4. they lie less than psychopaths and sociopaths 5. they lie about knowing something
I've never seen anyone explain the narcissists lies and the reasons behind it as well as you. It has given me great assurance and comfort knowing a narcissist that well, lies continually. Thank-you
Jenna Mathieson They hate everything they are😂 They hate being cheated on but they cheat. They want all the attention/affection but they are neglectful and don’t listen. They hate people disrespect them, but they are entitle and always late/no show. They cannot self reflect. And we really shouldn’t give them a shit...
We lie to ourselves our whole lives, so we can be happy (happines is many times proportional to ignorance), it´s fairly easy for a narcisstic person to abuse this mechanism. While facing the truth about a person we love being narcisstic person may be hurtful, the loss of our illusions (i. e. being stripped of our lies to ourselves) is torturing and not many people are able to accept it.
The more honest you can face yourself the more honest you will be to others. Those who cannot or dont want to criticize themselves because they havent learned it or they are lacking self worth.
@@ifyourepeatalieoftenenough8500 why would I lie? The truth is so easy to remember. You don't get tripped up telling the truth nor do you forget it. If those reasons aren't enough for someone to see the value in simple honesty think on this. If you see someone in WalMart with a small child that greet you and the child tells you your breath stinks, you better buy a bottle of mouthwash.
Another really interesting video. I liked the examples of the three different responses depending on the traits. (Narcissist, psychopath, Machiavellian) 🙂🇬🇧
It seems as if lately all I have to do to see each of these reasons for lying from a narcissist play out in real time I simply have to watch the news...Anyway, fantastic video as usual. You are very skilled in your discipline.
I was with someone a few years when i found a few things she had told me were slightly different to how she had portrayed them. We were walking to a local supermarket one day when out of the blue she said '' I can tell a lie on Monday & by Friday if i have told myself it often enough even i will believe it is the truth!!'' .. I soon got the strength to leave & never go back, hearing her say that confirmed what i suspected & had been told, even her dad had warned me!!. Narrow escape indeed.
Thank you keep up the brilliant great work ... the more I learn about narcissistic behaviour as presented the more my ex marriage makes perfect sense to me since I was fully exploited like this by these types of narcissistic lies and even when I presented concrete evidence regarding certain issues against him I was lied to about it and another truth of those said issues emerged later by more evidence by people.
Embellishing and exaggerating are also lies. So bragging with embellishing or exaggerating things about themselves they're lying. My mother lies to herself all the time in that she has a narrative about who she is that does not seem authentic or to fit reality.
Excellent overview! Curious as to NPD lying that comes in the form of relentless lack of follow through on behalf what they say they'll do, in opposition to what results of their spoken "word(s)" coming into fruition.. More often after experiencing exponential lack of follow through!
Good lies contain a small amount of truth. Yes, They practice lying since they were children. I watched my NPD son do this and nothing I did ever turned him around. I am still trying to distance and waiting to be able to move after the pandemic to get away and let him support himself and girlfriend.
Brilliant, thankyou. This really helped me with understanding the terrible lies they say. So many Jezabel spirits out there. Girlfriends and so called friends. The truth is truely a beautiful thing🙏💚
Thanks Dr Grande, it appears that the research in this case is an amazingly accurate reflection of what I have personally experienced with a Narcissistic pathological liar.
Yes...The Narc (person B in example) will tell, however they will say “You owe me one”. They always collect up by either asking for a huge “favor” or holding it over the person. Either way Person A owes them. The thing The gets me is when a Narc throws you under a bus and you ask them about it and they respond, “I don’t know”...ugh!!
Guilt trips, gaslighting and emotional blackmail!! Mine was hugely offended when I told him I did not appreciate the emotional blackmail - all while he had plunged a knife into my heart and was gleefully twisting it around to create as much pain as he possibly could... All to try and isolate me from friends and family (my support)
Are there any theories why narcissists all seem to use the same tactics whether it's verbally (lying, word salad), silent treatments or devalue discard etc.? Seems about 2 dozen very common, quite specific, behaviors they all use.
Wow, Dr. Grande, once again, you have absolutely nailed it, as always. Thank you so much for an honest and straightforward look at this very damaging behavior to those who are exposed to Narcissists.
Examples of lying; Saying hes the best at his office and the boss wanting to move him to the main office in another town. 3 years later he says there is no other main office than the one he works at, I check it up and it matches. Example two: Saying one thing one week and the next something entirely diferent, the opposite of what was first said. He blames it on a bad memory, denies having said that or "doesnt sound like something I'd say" Its impossible to get a straight answer out of him about anything. About the brag lie I asked one why? And actually had an honest answer "Bc its fun to see what I can get away with" Its a game to them. A fun game. So they do it for entertainment.
My ex husband lied for 3 weeks about dog food if you can imagine that. First I told him you need to get dog food because we were getting low on it. I didn't have the money and it would have to come out of his pocket as his dog. According to him he got it was going to get it had it and it was at his brother's house. Was going to go get it from his brother but was unable to.(I even tried to contact his brother and went to his home where the dog food was at in their truck...it wasnt there) Finally after a week and a half of the dog eating cat food he got angry because I told him I had no more cat food at 6 p.m. ran out to a feed store which is 20 minutes in the opposite direction of his brother's house to get dog food. It was closed LOL.... Now imagine the rest of my life with him
Not diagnosing anyone, but I think you need a better hobby. You need to treat your life like it is meaningful, and not like it is hobby-level important. I get the feeling this is at least entertaining for you. Therefore you haven't yet cut bait. Just sayin'.
@@johnschlottman619 lol...not a hobby just a memory! That was one of the frustrating yet laughable moments...i dealt with his alcoholic abuse, and when he was sober physical...were divorced 10 years. Got rid of the "hobby". Quite evident you have no clue about this kind of stuff... I give this story to alert others of the backlighting and emotional abuse...so they see their own and are able to have strength to go on.
He tells so many different versions of events-and he acts like he believes his own lies. But he’s not that good at lying-he forgets that I have a good memory, even when he tries to change the whole event.
Dr Grande .. I'm very grateful for your informative videos as I have viewed many others that seem to confuse & overload or interweave to much information in a clinical way. The way you explain and break down the charaistics & traits is easier to understand for me and has helped me to realise that I'm in a relationship with a covert. I'm able to see now all the actions they preform right before my eyes after confronting her about it. I just cant believe it , its amazing in a way to watch them preform and the pausing by them ... to see your reaction and if your believing them during a fabricated lie or a gaslighting session they just aren't in the same reality. I know they wouldn't care but I cant help thinking to myself what a waste of time and life ... and for what ? Living and maintaining a delusion. Thank you
The impulsiveness is something I see regularly in my 20± year interactions with the primary narcissist in my life, however, I can honestly say that I have seen evidence of every type of lie you listed. NArcissists Lie. I think that should be the main take-away here.
This all makes so much sense. I would like to add my narcissist ex- husband of 25 years also seems to just throughly enjoy getting lies over on people. Especially the lies that always make him the victim and the ones that project the false image he has of himself onto the world.
