6 Ways To Stop Generational Trauma - Healthy Parenting 

I was making dinner tonight very moody and resentful. My plan was to make dinner and then lie in bed the rest of the evening feeling sorry for myself. I listened to this while cooking and then somehow realized I am the problem and was triggered into my bad mood. I made a great meal, spent the evening with my husband and child, and even got a workout in! I want to be a happy mom!! We sang if you’re happy and you know it and cuddled. Phew!!!

Because of my childhood trauma, I was afraid to ask anything of adults or even really to tell them what was going on with me. A few years ago, when my daughter was 5 or 6, we were spending time with some of our friends. One of them is this friend I adore who is a loud guy who would have scared the pants off of me as a kid. He liked to tease my daughter by calling her the wrong name. He pulled me and my husband aside to tell us how amazed and proud he was that our daughter took him to one side and explained to him what her real name is, and that she doesn't appreciate being called the wrong name. I'm SO glad that she felt strong enough to do that, and that despite him being a loud adult, he listened to her, apologized for calling her the wrong name and stopped doing it. 10 minutes later she changed her mind and told him she was fine with the joke. But she really just wanted him to know her boundaries and have them respected. She makes me proud every day that she's a lot more grounded and assertive than I was even in my 20s.

Describing children as "little narcissistic drunk people" was great, thanks for that

I decided I didn't want kids when I was 17. Let's take into account that, at that age, I believed I had the best, happy, childhood, just felt mentally unstable. Later on, I realized how my family system really was; I knew my parents tried not to repeat their own family dynamics but that's pretty much what they did. I was terrified I'd pass it on unconsciously, so I confirmed I wouldn't be able to handle parenthood. I'm almost 40 and never regretted my decision, but it breaks my heart some of us had to take it.

you're doing god's work here man

I would absolutely LOVE to see a video on toxic grandparents and advice on how to handle that dynamic.

“Yes, parenting is a huge pain in the ass”. Thank you Patrick 😆

I am from Brazil. In our christian/catholic culture recognizing anything bad from our parents is a big no no. Thanks for your videos, they are helpful and healing.

I recently realized that being rushed and in chaos is a HUGE trigger for me. I get really irritable. I have a 4 and a 9 year old. I was raised in a toxic family with an immigrant Cluster B invalidating and emotionally volatile mom who parented with fear and shame and a non-protective codependent dad. Not having enough quiet me time is a huge trigger. I just moved out of my mom’s place- I came back home my after my divorce. I can’t let her do this to my girls. I can’t parent effectively when I’m triggered and being mom shamed in front of my children by my own mother. This is just IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. I won’t let her parentify my kids and I won’t be a mess and have them feeling like they have it care for me, like my mother did me. Carl Jung is a genius.

Traumatization is a response to abnormal and abusive circumstances. Traumatized parents traumatize their children. In adulthood we need to unlearn all the unhealthy behaviors we learned in childhood.

Having my first child was the catalyst for change in my mental health. I should’ve been getting help years before, but recognizing that I was reacting to normal newborn/baby behaviors in a way that I recognized from my own childhood scared the hell out of me. I’m far from perfect, but I’m SO proud of myself for getting help and working my a** off to break the cycle.

I love this! Thank you. My first child was very strong willed. I remember a time when he was throwing fits and many people told me to spank him with a wooden spoon and I strongly disagreed but I was a single teen mom. I once lost it and said that’s it I’m doing it. I grabbed a wooden fork and my 4 year old looked at me and said ,”What are you going to fork me” we both laughed and just talked it out. He was very smart for a four year old and we just talked through difficult tantrums or I just sat with him through it. That always worked for us. Getting that poor advice from my parents and daycare lady was very sad to me. I couldn’t believe that’s the only advice I got from them was to hit my child.

It's the toddler screaming tantrums for me. I get an instant migraine and I'm right in that moment when I was s kid always getting yelled at. Parenting through trauma is tough.

I don’t even have kids. I watch these in ah about how many things I relate to From my childhood

Thanks for being so gentle.

I never had kids due to childhood trauma. I knew that I never saw a healthy relationship, and that I would be lost as a parent. As an ACOA, I knew that I didn’t have the tools. Still healing at 42. Thanks for your amazing videos! ☮️

Through the lens of childhood trauma: 1. Apologize & explain your reactions. 15:55 2. Don’t let THEM take CARE of YOU. 17:20 3. Encourage their perception & inner reality compass. 20:48 4. Work on your own life & your own happiness. 24:38 5. Redefine your value system. 27:00 6. Be AWARE & CONSCIOUS about what you are modeling 29:00 Honorable Mention: Providing a ‘Good Enough’ Childhood. 31:00

This is fantastic. I never wanted to be a mother because I thought I’d pass on my trauma. Now I’ve been through therapy I’ve decided to adopt. I worry every day I won’t be a good mum. Hearing this makes me feel more confident. I feel like my mum took so much from me, the thought I nearly missed out on being a parent because of our relationship makes me so sad. I hope I can learn from this. Thank you.

Your videos mean so much to me. I was diagnosed Cptsd and a dissociative disorder. My mother was my main abuser, and allowed others to abuse me as well. There are many memories I still don’t have access to…Becoming a mother was very triggering by itself. Having my own child, and feeling the love I had for her, was triggering in that I could not comprehend how or why my mother was capable of doing some of the heinous things she did. When my children hit certain ages/reach certain milestones, I’ve been triggered just from the age (i.e. daughter turns 14, which is the same age I was raped by mother’s boyfriend, ended up pregnant, had it beaten out of me). I hope I haven’t crossed a line in sharing - Again, thank you for your videos, I listen to them daily. ❤️

Every few months, in quiet, peaceful moments, I ask my son, age 5, how I'm doing as a mom. Then I listen to his answers which, when critical, are a list of the things that deeply trigger me. Conversely, when he praises me, those are often the actions and behaviors that address the triggers for myself and bring a sense of healing and comfort both to my child and myself. He knows that he gets to share whatever he wants and will never be criticized or punished. And I get the chance to know what he needs and work on giving that to him, and often, to myself.

I remember when growing up, my parents did a lot of the «but what did you do?»-stuff when I had problems with a friend or a teacher. And the first twenty-five years of my life I found that to be a very good thing to say, I even praised them for have done that, since I meant it taught me about owning my own stuff and be more empathetic and so on. But then I suddenly realised it also taught me that my feelings never matter. And even now (at fifty) I get triggered by that when it happens. My feelings are always ‘wrong’, and I get super-mad. I didn’t have kids myself before I was thirty, so I made an effort not to do this to them. (And actually, most of the time my kids were right: their friend really was being unhealthy, or their teacher in fact did a mistake, so I tried to make it a learning moment about how to handle other people doing mistakes or even when to leave a bad friendship.) But it is so funny I grew up thinking this was a smart and healthy thing to do.

Thank you for saying that self care and having a life outside of your children is good parenting. I struggle with that. In my family culture it’s not acceptable esp for the mom.

My husband and I both come from tough childhoods, and we had our first child in 2020. The pregnancy and infancy stirred up a lot of unresolved issues we have with our families and our pasts, things we thought we had moved past long ago. Thank you for posting this video. It's extremely helpful.

I would always see my mom unhappy and depressed and angry at home but she would only be happy around her friends. It always made me feel like she didn't like me

I personally don't have any children, but I am in my early 20s working in child care as a childhood trauma survivor and your points hit me so on point in this video. I do try to be a good model and show emotion and kindness with the kids, but when it comes to conflict it gets really difficult for me. Thank you for this video, I think it'll be really helpful for me to be a better caregiver while I am still in this position, I hope to follow my own dreams once I finish moving in the next month.

I'm going to have my first child next week. Been watching your videos to help me be the best parent I can ❤

I made a conscious decision to not have kids while my mother was still alive. I didn't trust her anywhere near a vulnerable psyche, and knew she would be invasive and demanding and manipulative regarding her grandchildren. I ended up never having kids, and don't regret it.

Tip number one? I heard about when my kid was very young and I’ve been consistent with it and you know what? He straight up tells me what’s upset him any time he’s sad now, whether it had anything to do with me or not. So so thankful he feels free enough to do that!

You've no idea how timely this is, Patrick I found out last week that my little brother's wife is pregnant for the 1st time. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm triggered! I don't want history to repeat. I'm crying, but I'm watching this until the end.

I became an adult who was “blunted”. I had little emotions or feelings. I had no self. Having my firs5 daughter taught me what love was....and I loved my three girls so much and tried so hard as a single mom to do what I knew. Truly they were the best years of my life I loved raising my kids. But wow I knew little other than reading Dr Sears books! It took 20 years and counseling to really have a strong self..... and 13 of the last years of ongoing work finessing. To have to face not being the best parent I could and should have been honestly and apologize to your adult kids is the hardest thing. I wanted to be perfect so bad. I went to counseling and read books and tried to do the opposite of what happened to me. But I wasn’t perfect. I regret so much and most of all was just seeing their sad faces when I said stupid things. There was no internet or metoo and limited resources. I will spend the rest of my life working on being the best parent I can be and respecting my adult kids. And watching my own triggers. It’s amazing to see my daughters having skills that took me 30 years of adult work in their 20’s! Everything Patrick says is always so spot on. Self acknowledgement and care. Patrick has really helped me on my journey!

Again, thank you so much. I am 75. My daughter is 45. And we have had our ups and downs. !!!!!!! It is very painful to listen to everything you say, but at the same time of course it is very truthful and healing. So there’s no way I can change the past, but who knows what can happen in the present that can be very good. Thank you for all that you do.

I hear you referencing "having small children" most often as being triggering but I'd like to add having children of any age who have disabilities. I have an Autistic teen who is like having a giant toddler at times, and I'm getting triggered all the time. I definitley never have gotten to leave that exhaustion and loss of self trigger. Please don't leave people like us out, because we often don't even get to feel that our children are truly moving to the next "developmentally appropriate" stages. Particularly when you have a grown child who is still physically acting out/ physically agressive and not able to use words and you are a parent with a traumatic childhood history, this is very hard. Other than that, I really like your style and you are a very effective communicator. Thank you.

Would love to see that “whole different video” about struggling with holding onto a relationship with grandparents 😬 if there’s quite a bit of toxicity

Wow. Jung was right about the impact of the parents unlived life on the child. Their disappointments and unrealized dreams and frustrated aspirations were my constant companion. Sometimes they still are.

27:35 trueeee i grow up close to my grandma and I always hear her say (my mom as well) all men have 3 hairs of the devil and I realized I grew up thinking men are evil. But I’m currently in therapy working on these things and getting over emotional incest.

Wish I'd heard ALL of this when my kids were small. I was totally overwhelmed, 24/7, for years.

Holy heck, no wonder our world is so effed up. This sheds light on so many things.

I definitely needed this video. I am in process of healing my inner child but I do worry this long journey ahead of me may take too long and I feel guilty as a young parent.

I’ve always wanted kids but the way I was brought up and how I still am so governed by my parents make me extremely nervous about becoming a parent myself. But I am conscious and want to heal my inner child so I can be a better parent. Thank for these videos.

I decided I didn't want to have kids when I was in my teens. At the time the unspoken (or indirectly communicated) narrative was that my parents (especially my mother) had experienced poor parenting, but they were turning it around and being good parents to their children. They myth was that by converting to the Mormon church, which is family oriented, they were becoming good parents, and it made them superior to their (non-Mormon) parents. As I was growing up, I could feel that my family was dysfunctional. I read somewhere as a teen that, even if you vow to not be like your parents, you will inadvertently do so, and one day you will realize to your horror that you are treating your children the same way you were treated. That's when I said nope, not doing it - I will do my kids a favor by not having them and putting them through that. I'm in my 50's now and am comfortable with that decision. I don't think my mother had regrets about her parenting. I think she had no qualms about putting her kids through what she had been through, as a form of revenge. She was too weak and cowardly to take revenge on her mother, so she took out her revenge on her children. I think religion gave her cover of seeming like a decent person. My father was the one who was more into the religion. But he basically spent his time at work and church and left the parenting to her as her domain. His role was to be the enforcer. I don't think he realized the cruelty he was enforcing. So he failed to provide protection as a parent, and in that way he sucked as a parent. But he didn't have the bitterness and sneaky spitefulness that she did.

This was awesome! I feel I need a whole series just on “typical things a child does at each age that will trigger you, and how to deal with it in a healthy way instead” but give skits like you did here.

I’m actually here now because my mother triggered me earlier tonight. Brought me another problem I had to drop everything for and solve. Which of course I did and now I’m mad at myself for solving it. I guess I felt pretty called out by number 4. I’m pretty big with that untapped potential. In a way I left it untapped intentionally to get revenge on my parents. Instead of trying to make them proud of me, which would never happen anyway, I sank the entire ship. 🤣 I do realize the counter-intuitive nature of that decision but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Such great content, you are so helpful. I never had children, I grew up in the 80's and I feel it will take the rest of my life to undo the trauma from that toxic family. I felt I did society a favor not getting married and have kids because I simply do not have the tools to lead a healthy household. I refuse to become my parents. That's just me, I'm glad you came out of your situation and became an incredible therapist. Your work and approach really helps, it's as though someone finally gets it. Thank you.

Look at us go you guys!!! We are learning and acting on bettering ourselves! This is so exciting for me!

My daughter turns 18 in 2 months. I have raised her truly solo - no family, no partner, nothing - for 12 years. I have spent only the last 5 focused on my recovery from my childhood family system. I did not stop the propagation of transgenerational trauma. But I have spent 5 years repairing the trauma I passed on to my daughter. My hope is that by being a healthy presence in her life, I can continue being available to repair with her as the times dictate. And be a resource for her when and if she decides to undertake parenthood. My dad never did this for me and I decided 5 years ago, “here and no further.”

"When the student is ready the Teacher will appear" thank you so much for sharing your gifts with humanity. I was so triggered yesterday and had an OTT reaction which I immediately owned, apologised for 😢 and put right. Lone parent, escaped abusive husband and toxic surviving family via a women's refuge but being dragged through the judicial system by them BECAUSE I got out! If it wasn't for the Lord, they'd have danced on my grave and turned the little ones to destruction. Oh God deliver us so we can heal and bind up these wounds. Thank you so, so much, this parent needs your sage advice.

I'm not a parent but this called me out good with how i deal with my relationships. thank you my adult self needs to be a better parent

I’m a healthy parents because my parents weren’t - my trauma was a genuine gift because of this.

Stopping physical violence was HUGE for My husband and I. We are happy to say that we stopped that generational cycle with our 4 kiddos. NO ONE "deserves" it. EVER. Especially not children!

I actually decided while I was still in high-school that I wasn’t going to have kids, specifically because not having kids is the best way to make sure generational trauma wouldn’t be passed on. I’m now in my 40’s and this was probably the best decision I ever made in my life.

It really is too bad we find ourselves existing within such a sh** hole hell. Glad it's finally coming to its end. 🌟You have brought out so many encouraging practical points, great work!💖

Oh my God you’re so right! With my children I often am not the most gentle teacher when it comes to teaching respect for belongings and food items. My children have absolutely zero clue the value of money which is GREAT at their age. Totally age appropriate for them with my oldest being eight. They shouldn’t worry about such things, BUT when they disrespect their belongings or waste food, it is highly triggering for me as a parent because I grew up in extreme poverty. So I find myself resorting to the lecture about “I never had such and such as a child, and there are starving people in the world.” Up hill to school both ways type of stuff ya know? 🤣🥴 That is one of the few things I get triggered about with my kids and lecture them for. I think I am harboring I’ll feelings from having to get a job as a 13-14 year old and work to support my family while still attending school until I became a legal adult at 16. It is obviously not my kids’ fault, and I hadn’t made that connection between my childhood and parenting until just now so I very much appreciate you for that thank you. While I want them to appreciate items, money, and hard work, I am being over the top with it and that will put them on the defensive rather than actually helping them to learn anything.

Holy wow. Answered questions i never had but need to ask. Im all 33, not sure about endeavoring dating for marriage/property/children and shit, but very sure that he just nailed every uncertainty i had growing up, and beyonnnnnd. Great video, just closed my gaping mouth.

I love that I get to apologize to my kids. I think they need to know I'm not perfect, I can't hold that impossible standard. I want them to know it's ok to make mistakes and learn how to forgive.

Just hearing the first 30 seconds of this has triggered so much intense anxiety in me. I had to take medication. But I forced myself through it to be sure I did it. Then realized I do this already myself! Been breaking these generational issues to be sure my son doesn’t deal with what I did/do… it has to end.

I'm glad to have found your channel. I'm trying to figure out to get away from my toxic "parents". Educating myself of the BS that these A-holes have caused.

I don't think my own kids trigger me very often but, other people's kids. Oh. My. Gosh. At least it makes me grateful for my own kids.

This past year I've spent my parenting time being massively triggered, because my three children are now in the major ages where I experienced most of my childhood trauma.... It's been super fun. I'm so grateful for your videos!

About 6 months ago I started apologizing to my son and it's been very effective because I don't want to keep apologizing so it means I have to actually work on the issues (and I do with my therapist). This video is the first time I realized that I'm being triggered causing me to react so strongly though. Oh that friendship one is good! About a month ago I decided this one friendship of mine wasn't healthy for me as it was causing a lot of anxiety that I think was affecting my son too. My friend had a son too who my son was friends with. He's almost 4 so when I realized he kept asking to see his friend I told him that we won't be seeing him. It's not his fault and that mommy didn't feel good around the mom.

I got therapy from an amazing family trauma therapist last year and our last session we focused on my fears around parenting. It really angers me that the majority of the generation before us has trauma that they couldn’t be bothered to work on before passing it down and trying to ruin my generation. That ends with me. My (planned, I was an accident) son will be born in December and it’s sad to think of how much my mom resented me for being born.

Thank you for this. I'm raising my grandchild, we are a perfect example of terrible family and it's affect through the generations. I so want to do this right.

For the past 20 years I put all my energy and focus on raising my kids. I was hyper vigilant about how I could help them have better childhoods and grow up to be healthy. I did some counseling and therapy but even that was all about how do I be a better parent. Now my kids are all grown and every single one of them have childhood trauma they need to heal from. I never hit my kids but my home was the single parent/chaos home. Even with years of counseling I never even thought to work on my inner child. Now we all have more healing to do.

"Adults terrified me". I can relate to this...i used to approach all adults scared and terrified because my guardians' abuse

My biggest challenge is when I have to parent my child I first have to parent my inner child. All I want to do is avoid. Its a work in progress.

Brilliant! I am new to this channel, and I am binge watching...OMG...you are amazing and a gifted teacher!

I have ADHD and a hard time focusing and genuinely I just don’t really like to focus on watching things as much as I would like to like to. I’m fascinated and eager to learn, so this can be frustrating lol….But you captivate me and I just think you are a literal angel and are so kind with the safest of intention when it comes to things we don’t wanna revisit or talk about or really understand because they hurt and they’re dark and we were very alone when we are going through them. Thank you for being here 🌍 and fully in step with your purpose helping people I know it’s not easy and it takes a lot of energy but you help so many people so it must be worth it and you deserve all the good stuff and all the karmic blessings 💖💖💖

When I was a kid, the adults in my life weren't capable of protecting me so I went into a lot of scary situations all by myself and did a lot of taking care of myself. When I was studying to be a teacher, one of the little 5th graders I was working with looked at me and said, "Mrs. A, I need my inhaler" and I just felt so, I don't know, happy about that. Like, this little child saw me as a trusted adult in her life to help her get something she needed for her health. I donno, for me I felt like it was one small opportunity to be something for a kid that I didn't have. Is this stupid? This is probably stupid. Anyway I took her to the nurse's office where her inhaler was kept and then on the way back she looked at me and said "you'd look so much prettier if your hair were longer" and then I was like okay that's enough out of you xD

11:40 " . . . and your kids will find a boat horn in the garage." 😆😂🤣💕👍 Oh no! That would be awful, but I'm laugh-crying right now.

28:10 " it's always somebody's fault". Oof. This one hit me hard. I only recently learned this lesson. Sometimes there isn't someone to blame. And that's OK.

I’m so glad this video exists. My mother wasn’t the worst but could’ve been better, and she never seemed to think about for most of the year. But there were certain days that would trigger her to just ball her eyes out and she didn’t want to talk about it. During one of those times I tried to comfort her and she started going off about how she’s a bad mother because I never obey her. The first time she said that it caught me off guard and I didn’t want to make her feel worse, so I denied that. The second time it happened it took everything I had not to tell her all the ways she could’ve been better so I didn’t respond. After that I avoided her during those times. She was a single mother but she had no boundaries or punishments because she would be one of those parents who would’ve beaten me if she wouldn’t go to jail for it. I watched show like Nanny911 and SuperNanny every time they came on. Sometimes I’d watch World’s Strictest Parents. Those shows made me see where my mother was failing because what could’ve been an opportunity to make me understand why my behavior was wrong would instead be me either being ignored for the rest of the day or getting yelled at for a being a spoiled brat. And in her mind the only thing I would respond to was going to be “physical punishment” but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t elicit a better response just because you hit harder. I’ve actually been stubborn enough to put my legs over her lap when we were sitting on a couch and she didn’t hit me hard but she slapped my leg so many times that my skin turned purple. So I don’t know how she thinks beating would’ve been more productive than spanking. Thank you for letting me rant in the comment section. And thank you if you took the time to read all of this, whoever you are.

You are a childhood trauma therapy genius. Seriously, your work is life changing. I have been searching for almost 7 years for exactly what you teach and I’m just so sad that I didn’t have this sooner. I have been doing exactly what you describe in the “my kids are not safe” camp, my husband has been in the “kids have no respect” camp. My 7 year old is autistic (me too I have learned) and has ODD symptoms like my brother, who as an adult continues to have antisocial traits. I am just hoping it is not too late to turn things around. Thank you for everything you do!

Im watching this and feeling extremely grateful that I am starting to find a plan on how to not pass on trauma and to control my own emotions and reactions to scenarios that happen to me as a parent. Thank you very much.

No child should ever be hit. Such an important & true belief. Thanks for saying it. In this day & age so many new parents still believe in smacking/spanking that's old school, ineffective, damaging.

Someday, I hope to be able to finish one of your videos. Right now, they still bring up feelings in me that are too intense to allow me to finish watching. Bookmarking this one to continue when I get there. Thanks for your work!

Dude!!! I've apologized so many times for yelling at my kid, who's only 13 now, "Quit being selfish!" As soon as it came out of my mouth I realized that this is how he learns things and it's his fckn job. 🤦‍♀️ Most often it was when he ganked the blanket from me on the couch during family movie time....or fidgets too much, which would have gotten me hit (yup....that's the trigger, and tbh, I'm jealous that my kid has the things I wanted). Then I get super proud of myself for creating an environment where he feels SAFE enough to be an a$$hole. Which kids are...theyre supposed to be!!! It's how they learn. Also....as a society we should really look at what we think is rude/a$$holey, often it's just someone with a need. Man I've learned a lot in the last year of my trauma therapy! Lol

How different the world would be now if our grandparents had access to quality therapy like we do. Thank you.

I don’t even have kids & found this so insightful; thank you so much.

Dear loving parents out there. You are so good even though you think other. As an adult children of Narcissists parents I can't even handle having a niece. Anxiety raise when my sister giving birth to my niece.

Thank you! I have been so afraid of repeating what my parents do that I’ve avoided relationships and don’t want children. Your videos are helping me to take control and responsibility of my mind and behavior so that I can heal. ❤️

The information in this video is pure gold. I had my daughter at 40 because I was scared of being like my mum. Everyday I do my best and therapy is key for me. Thank you for the content.

What I love about your videos is that I can come back when I'm ready. Just had to redirect my angry teenager with autism 6 minutes and 41 seconds into this video. So, tomorrow is a better day for this.

Sir… YOU ARE LITERALLY A GIFT FROM THE HEAVENS!!!! Thank YOU SOOOO much for being you… helping others… sharing ur stories.. speaking with experience and not “preachy book knowledge only” EVERYTHING YOU SAYYYYYY…IS ON POINT!!! I’m 54 watching my 5 kids and 7 grandkids REPEAT THE LIFE I SWOOOOORRRE (at 16 when I had my first child…) to my mother angrily and with soooo much ARROGANCE “I’m having my own baby and I’ll be a Much Better Mom” IM SURE U KNOW THE REST OF THIS STORY! KNOW IM 54… MORE RELAXED.. experienced… and willing to learn…as well as IVE SEEN THE EFFECTS of not being mature/consistent/teaching/boundaries …. MY 25 year old son REFUSES TO ACCEPT MY SAGE RESEARCHED.. theories similar to Andy Stanley…as well as yours… and he SCREAMS .. NO BOUNDARIES… will NOT confront baby mama. Re: soooo much … EVERYONE LETS GRANDDAUGHTER PLAY ON UNMONITORED… uncontrolled full access cell phone…. SINCE SHE WAS 6!!! She’s SUCH A GREAT LOVING SUPRRSMART 9 year old… now chews hair…explosive… no RESPONSIBILITIES… she’s given $… JUST CUZ!!!! I’ve TRIED TO GET HOM TO WATCH KIDS/cell documentary “CHILDHOOD 2.0” I VERY MUCH RECOMMEND WATCHING… my son says “ mom.. I got this”… then an hour later calls me to get child to NOW obey… (cuz we have CONVERSATIONS… “Mary… ur a very smart girl… y do you think dad wants u to hydrate with a 100 degree fever? When she very quickly responds… I tell her I’m sure she will make a good decision…next thing I know… SHE CREATES a “count to 10” while I drink 3x…”….after son just had a Huge screaming match “drink!it” “NO!” With tears anger fight or flight…for hour and half…. But JUST by me TRUSTING HER JUDGEMENT after she confidently states AALL Reasons …. And communicating WORKED!!! But I DIDNT LEARN TILL I TURNED “NANA”. But having SOOOOOO MANY TRIGGERS WITH HER BEHAVIORS…even tho I KNOW it’s a cry for help and understanding from the adults in her world… I’m POWERLESS and my EX(who lives with son and is on oxygen… will SCREAM at me in front of her “STOP TRYING TO MAKE HER LIVE UR SHITTY CHILDHOOD AND GTF out of my house!” If I become emotional when she calls MY SIN.. her dad “UGLY”… LAZY…pretends to “sing “ songs “I CANT WAIT TILL U DIIIIIE” as she puts her dinner plate in sink…. My sister…. OMG!… BEHAVIORS!!! CANNOT BEGIN!!!! And my other sis and I would get BEATEN for her lying on us…. EVEN at 3!!!! She would laugh!!! Granddaughter does SAME!!! Feeels STRONG NEED TO SMASH EVERYONE! I’m so VERY VERY WORRIED! But I HAVE NO POWER!! suggestions?! PLZZZZ U R COMPLTETELY ON POINT!!!!

Your channel is amazing. Thank you for all of this body of work. You're right... many of us are self-healing n self-coaching via YT! It is so hard finding a fitting therapist. I dont want to talk anymore .. i want to do the work. Things like "you need to build boundaries, have self compassion and forgive" are just that. Sayings! Where's How? Where's the dummies play by play guide. Thx again for these vids 🙏🏽🙏🏽

Rewatching this 11 months later and it is just as impactful as it was almost a whole year ago. I’ve grown and healed in so many ways but there’s so much healing left to do. Thank you for helping with my healing journey!! Generational trauma and inner healing work is tough so thank you for walking with me and my inner child Patrick ☺️

I have to pause your videos and cry pretty often, but am so thankful to you for putting them out into the world. I've been struggling with my childhood neglect and abuse for years and didn't know where to turn to do more than just acknowledge it. The world, mine especially, is a better place thanks to you.❤

I feel SO much better after watching this video. I had two parents who were controlling, manipulative, and extremely critical. I am always so, so afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing and hurting my child. I was my parent's "fixer" and also their punching bag (emotionally much more than physically). They were never honest with me until they exploded. I have carried this into adulthood and have completely obsessed over being a better parent. After watching this video, I feel like all of my hard work has paid off. I'm doing all of these things you've suggested and more. The panic and anxiety that I feel over my parenting have completely dissipated after watching this video. Thank you so much for letting me know I'm on the right track and, for the couple of places I can do a lot better, letting me know HOW to do better! I can't even express how relieved I am ***BIG HUGS***!!!!

Oh my goodness the prompt at 20:22 I can relate to so much. My mom was a single mom and relied on me, the oldest, as her confidant/support system. She would be mad and pout if we didn’t notice her feeling and often shame us for not thinking of her as kids. The CRAZY thing is she realized prob when I was 10-12 and tried to shift the boundaries and would apologize for over involving me in drama and over sharing but I didn’t understand why things had to change because that was just our dynamic. Like I felt abandoned after that but she also remarried and kinda retreated in general after that so lots to still unpack as I process. I now realize all the damage that was done from all that pressure to be her SO, best friend and perfect child.

About number 2 it actually has a lot of energy inside of me. My mother used to over share all of her trauma and problems with me but I could never seem to share my problems with her. As an adult I found out why. Anytime I’d start talking about an issue it would automatically turn into one of her stories or problems. It got to a point that I stopped trying to say anything to her at all. There was no point. If it wasn’t about her then it just wasn’t. I hold a lot of resentment and anger toward her even though she is dead now.

I wish I’d seen this in the 80’s and 90’s when my kids were little! But it’s still fascinating to look back and see how my childhood could’ve affected my children. All in all, I think we did great, according to our adult children.

Learning to apologize and take ownership is haaaard. Especially when you never had a model of that in childhood and started learning it while dating. Sidenote: the encourage their perception made me tear up when he was saying what you can say instead.

Beautiful thing you are doing here. I'm so sad that I didn't know any of this when I was a young mum 30 years ago. My cptsd affected him, and I'm estranged from my boy. The weight of it, is the most terrible burden. I just thank god , this community can stop the trauma continuing through generations.

I read 20+ parenting books while pregnant with first child. I had intuition that children, even babies, have some innate intelligence and wisdom, and I wanted to be sensitive in parenting so that I could witness and allow room for their innate wisdom, to allow room for them to express at every age who they are and give them opportunity to learn and grow in their own natural ways. I am so glad that I did, I gave them regular routines of care, meals, a structured daily schedule but filled with play, social play time with other kids and moms, formal and informal learning at nature trails and exploratory science museum, early Ed sports, outings to local recreation, restaurants, music concerts, etc. They gravitated toward their own preferred constructive purposeful activities in play, and that motivated them toward self-regulation and organized their mind and body. I will always be glad I made them my #1 priority and we had this kind of relationship from before they were born. Most cultures define their child age at birth as 1 year old. Even your thoughts and assumptions, and how you treat yourself while pregnant affects your baby. Each one will have different influences unique to them. Each one will have unique personality, way of perceiving and interpreting the world. I think it is kind of cheapening the child's early worldview to call them little narcissists, as that is all they know and they have to go through that stage to differentiate from their mother. Also, children are not drunks, I think that is derogatory towards children. Drunks have dysregulated selfish hedonistic behavior bc they seek to escape reality and let go of adult responsibility of even being in control of their feelings, thoughts, and actions. For children this is a normal part of development, but many kids didn't get this opportunity to learn self-regulation, and is expected for adults to have to positively cope and help the children learn how to self-regulated.

I'm glad this video came up again. I watched it a little while back. I recently let a therapist go because she was telling me to "create a homework list of specific values [I'd] like to have with my [soon-to-be-born] child" and to "stop focusing on negative things from my own childhood." She also shamed me that my no-contact with my VERY abusive parents would be detrimental to my unborn child because "children need grandparents more than [I] need to be away from uncomfortable differences in political opinions with my parents" (as if THAT is what triggers me about my parents...). I was particularly frustrated because I have tried MANY therapists since my initial C-PTSD diagnosis, and this one specifially assured me that she was well-versed in childhood trauma. I'm so exhausted from having to spend thousands of dollars to vet invalidating after not-good-enough after incompetent therapist. At LEAST I have the channel (and I'm joining the online healing community!).

Chaos and exhaustion and hitting hard… I have a 2 year old and 6 month old. I feel so triggered when baby won’t stop crying I dissociate.

I really Wish my mother in law would understand English right now. This is one of the best videos I have ever seen in the matter of parenting. Thank you so much.

This video will help me in dealing with my niece. The other day we were at the park and she started doing something that triggered the shit out of me. I couldn’t talk, couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t be. Thankfully my partner noticed and took over. It was the first time it happened and I got really scared and kind of disappointed in myself. This video will help but I still have a long way to recover. I don’t think having my own kids would be a good idea for me. I am just too traumatized to be able to be a normal parent, and trying to be one would mean fighting myself every step of the way. It would only exhaust me emotionally and make me miserable. Pity though, my partner has the most beautiful soul and I am sure we would create lovely kids. We both have so much love to give, but I have too much trauma to be able to give it consistently and unconditionally.

I’m hoping to help my inner child heal and set up my life in a way where I would feel comfortable bringing children into it. I’ve just started at 29 , not sure I have enough time to do so however I’m not willing to compromise on this. If it doesn’t happen for me I accept that.

You dear sir are spot on!! The first thing I started doing was think about how I raised my children and said "Uh Oh!!" But yes I clicked in to learn. And I now watch as an Adult without judging myself! Thank you!

So important to be aware of what you are doing in front of your children!!! Lead by example. You can't ask your children to not smoke or drink while you're telling them with a drink in hand and a cigarette.

Listening to this and looking into our garden I realised, for the forst time; I am spoiling my daughter. She is a doll and I love her to bits but we are giving her nearly everything she wants AND what we think she might like.. In the past I have thought about it but thought "well, toys and playing are good for her developement, so, who cares. Let her play and experience." But hearing you say something about missing out in childhood and then giving it to your child ( sorry I forgot your exact words) it made me suddenly realise what we are both doing.. In my childhood home there was no oxygen, no freedom at all and there was no playfullness, for me this is a huge eye opener.. thank you so much. Now what to do with it..