This week: Killing the Blues (with self-care). Evolution's Rainbow: www.amazon.com... Roast House Coast to Coast: roasthousecoff... And, hey, why not this? Chris Smither sings "Killing the Blues" : • chris smither "killing...
Hey Stine. Thankyou always for your bravery and openness and being able to keep making your videos no matter what's up. 5 months on T, just turned 53 and had topsurgery in '16. I went down this road with a lot less anxiety and more hope thanks to you, Earl and Didac. Your "drop pins" through the process have been invaluable. You and Earl are so authentic and honest. It helps "normalise" so much for those of us who follow - the anxiety and depression, relationships being lost and renegotiated and our own very real transphobia and "shards of shame". Our substantial social and psychological history and actual CV's crafted while in women's bodies makes writing and punctuation of the present and future (reliant on that) so much more incredibly difficult than I ever imagined. I have been self employed for most of my life..working parallel in a very physical trade and contrastingly more intellectualy in mental health. I have a client base that is vast and very different and terribly conservative. My physical presentation is no different bar my "persistent" flu voice and it becoming very obvious that I am sprouting hair in odd places and losing hair, and that I very obviously shave daily. Regrowth is very obvious by late afternoon. And so as avoid or stall "coming out" ..the "shards of shame.." & realising a massive vulnerability in what is both spoken and unspoken by others and myself. I love that you keep posting and love your visuals and vids. I do hope that you find your full energy and can't wait for your animation. Take care. Your posts provoke "anticipatory or preventative" strategy's for self and others, give me a heads up and legitimize so much. Depression and it's monkey anxiety (in all its shapes and sizes) sits on so many of our shoulders (how could it not given years of assault on the self /misalignment and appeasing and trading off so much?) & as exciting as transitioning is, it comes at a hellova price.
Howdy, Tom. Do you think you'll ever make a video? You're such an awesome and brilliant person. I love your take on things. You help me, too, brother. LOVE, Earl
Hi, I just discovered your videos recently. Thanks for sharing your transition journey. I am 56 and starting my transition FTM. I admire your strength and appreciate your openness. Hope you are able to kick anxiety out of your bed.
I finished binge watching all of your videos today. I have to say I loved them all and your followers all seem amazing as well. Looking forward to more videos. Hope you are doing better.
To each is given a bag of tools, an hour glass and a book of rules, and each must build before his work is done, a stumbling block or a stepping stone. Thanks for sharing with us. Struggling with depression too and have my whole life, but feel guilty about it now. Constantly arguing with myself - ‘I am being given this chance to be me, so why should I be down. It’s the best thing, other than being adopted and having a great partner, that has happened to me. I should be on cloud 9 not sitting on the curb anxious and frustrated. Get your shit together!’ Meds will help and so will the indica strains. Seems that you’re headed in a positive direction. Know that we are cheering you on from the east coast! Peace!
Thanks, Kye. The interesting thing for me now is that I can dissect and understand my obstacles a bit more easily. The issue of overcoming them seem rooted in past insecurities that no longer serve me. So for now, first things first and regain that access to my toolbag. :)
Hi Stine. Be pround no matter how. Don’t pay to much attention. We are strong people. We cannot avoid people who know us before transition talking about that unless we move far away. So...WTF. Un abrazo fuerte
Sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. Life sometimes gets in the way of our happiness and it sucks. Work and relationships are a lot to deal with when depression hits. Hang in there! Everything will work itself out. I was unemployed for a year, depressed and dealing with gender identity issues. I now have a job, came out as trans to myself, family, friends and work. My wife and I are doing fine. All I am saying is don’t give up. You deserve to be happy. Go to the gym, go biking, work on your art projects. Don’t stop doing stuff! If you have to take antidepressants do so. If it’s just temporary. Sometimes we need a little bit of help from chemistry to get us out of the hole we fell in. It helped me. Good luck with everything!
Hey buddy. I watched this a few days ago but only now had time to comment. I hope you are feeling a little better today. I get all that of course. That job stuff. It's hard until it's not, I recon. I did an artist talk yesterday to high school age student at an art school. The only part of it that was stressful was when I talked about being trans. And, that was uncomfortable mostly because there was another artist teacher in the room who is trans and not out at work. I felt his distance & it felt like he didn't want to be guilty by association. He even texted me prior to the talk to remind me that he's not out and very private. I knew that already and would not "out" him of course. He already had asked my friend to remind me and felt the need to reinforce that. Kinda hurt my feelings but it's not about me. I have such mixed feelings about it all. Part of me is glad I don't have to live with that secret and worry that someone will out me. And part of me is a little jelly that he moved here after transition and has the choice to go stealth.I came out in my talk and was super aware of the other trans person's presence. I felt my own "shard of shame" as you so brilliantly put it. Thank you for the honest appraisal, my friend. When I'm on a job interview that is outside of the art world, I don't come out in general. And I have the same fears you talk about in your video. And, the fear around that has been as crippling and has paralysed me at times. But ... It get easier! I promise you. Hang in there, pal. LOVE, Earl
Thanks Earl. I'm glad you were able to present to those students. And yes, mixed feelings. Such a mix. I, too, have felt that jealousy. It's packed tight into those situations where a stranger properly genders me in front of friends who don't. I had a kind of breakthrough moment last week, realizing (out loud, with my therapist) that my inaction on the employment front due my biggest feared outcome (not getting a job because I'm trans, or people discussing me as "other" because I'm trans, or me having to acknowledge that I'm trans in the hiring process) will yield nothing. I am giving that fear so much space instead of simply moving forward, knowing that I will face whatever, IF anything arises. Giving fear all the space guarantees a negative outcome, simply because I'm NOT MOVING FORWARD. There's also this tricky thing about integrating past into present -- I think that's the fulcrum of the shame for me. Like I want the lever pulled fully into the present, with the past shut out. And instead, maybe this transition is not based on that pivot point at all. Maybe it's an infinite loop. And there are moments where "then" and "now" cross over, where the energy of one enhances the other, but doesn't have to strangle it. Love to you, my friend. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, reflection, and general badassery.
Cheer Bro..Life is a Beauty.. u should practice meditation..it really Help A lot. Beside U Have a lot of talen..God Bless +.U Brorher(Proud FTM ALL THE WAY)May be one day we can drink a cup of your famous Coffes☕..Take Care.
I can't relate to what you're going through specifically, but Depression and Anxiety are not fun at all. I tried CBD and it was junk. Totally useless. If you're having success with it, then you're just in that crowd that does so you're not alone in finding it useful. With THC, I'd recommend any good Indica strain you can find and avoid Sativa strains as they tend to be more "up" oriented but in a way that aggravates anxiety like crazy. It is so stupid that it's still illegal in so many states because it really, really helps people. As to your shame, if you can identify specifically what it is that's causing it so you can throw it off, do so. I don't mean to be offensive about this reference, but maybe if you adopt the same attitude a drag queen might have of "wear it loud and wear it proud and fuck what the bitches say!" :P You are who you are and maybe if you get more comftorable about it it will help others feel more comfortable too. Just be like,"Yep, I'm trans. How about you?" And just take control of the vibe in a confident and friendly way. Like, if you act like it's no big deal, honestly that gives others the space to do the same. Be able to laugh at yourself and take some shit on the chin. I find most people who are unhappy with their lives is because they expect things from Life it just can't give. And that's true for most people. You don't have anything to be ashamed of. Nothing. It's an ultimately useless feeling anyway given the results of carrying it around. I think you can expect that people will treat you well and when they don't, well that's Life. You hit the wrong person at the wrong time and they bark. You hit the right person at the wrong time, and they bark. You can't control that. Maybe beware of any temptation in you to try to control other people's opinions or reactions to you. Just have a game plan in advance. "If x happens I will do y", and so on. Wether trans or cis, we're ALL going to come across someone's Asshole side once in a while. Make a mental note and keep it moving. No matter how great you could become or imagine yourself to be, there will always be those people who simply cannot accept you and won't like you. The way to get past it is to accept this truth first. Then when you come across a bigot or whatever they're feeling, DON'T hate them or get angry. Instead just realize that you never know all the things influencing another person, especially those you don't know well. Think of them like a broken phone "This phone's just not working." And move on. If you get pissed, you put yourself in the role of judge and jury when you don't know all the facts about what's going on under the hood with them AND the emotional fallout on you will be that you carry away inside you a turmoil, angst, frustration, resentment, or anger that only ever poisons the host, not the source. Assholes teach and reaffirm to others of how NOT to be and why not being an asshole is a superior life :) Being out of work has a way of grinding on your mind over time, so having projects to work on in between the work of finding work is a good idea! It may not be for you, but I find meditation to be really helpful. Our thoughts are always going and mulling over this or that or dissecting and over analyzing situations and feelings. Taking a break from "the monkey mind", giving it a rest, and calming thoughts down till it's just a still mind, gives the mind a chance to rest. Many people suffering with depression got there because their minds carried too much for too long. Then comes the crash from straight up mental exhaustion. You don't have to be hardcore like me about it, but just trying it for ten minutes like twice a day can really make a difference. It's normal at first when you're just learning to have a hard time shaking the restlessness, because our brains will be like."Why aren't you DOING anything!? We need to think about going for groceries and what about that one bill and should we eat right now? Yeah let's eat!...etc etc", because that's how Thoughts go from the time we wake up till we fall asleep. So, interrupting that pattern at first might seem hard, which is why you just say,"We'll get to that but for the next ten minutes we're just going to close our eyes, and think of Nothing at all, and listen to our breath go in...and out...and in...and out..." Like the waves ebbing on the beach. Anyway, give it a try, you never know it might help :) But look, NEVER put yourself down. IF you're going to be put down, let that be the work of others, not you. Life is way too short to get engaged in that game. You've got enough to contend with, don't contend with that. What kind of bike do you have?
Thanks -- and yes, checking out Indica strains -- very lucky that cannabis is legal here. Meditational practices have been very helpful for me, in various forms. My bike is a weird stealth clunky thang -- a Kogswell 650B porteur-style bike that was converted to 26" wheels. The previous owner rode it to the tip of South America, so it has good vibes for sure. :)
StineMachine That's certainly road tested then! Good deal. Glad to hear about the legall state you're in. It's a damn shame they're not all that :/ Take it easy :)
