7 Steps To Winning The Narcissist's Invalidation Game 

Alan Ayazyam I agree...I don’t waste my time because narcissistic ppl don’t change, I just accept that and look for an exit away from them. I smile 😊 even more once I’ve accomplish my escape, hehe 😉, and now stay happy 😆.

Yep, don't play the game.

Absolutely. Sign out of trying to impress a narcissist.

Alan Ayazyam this is good logic.

and by not partaking in their BS games.

Alma Snelgrove Thank you for saying that!!! I feel the same way finding Dr. C and couldn't have said it better.💕

Couldn't say it better friend, I'm still with my husband cos we have little children too, what a nightmare. But this channel is indeed a blessing I look forward to every new vid. I wish you all the best on this difficult journey ❤

Yes!! Agreed!! I am going through a contentious divorce and have two small daughters. It has been a weary battle dealing constantly with all the negative yuck that comes from having to co-parent with a covert narcissist. Dr. Carter's videos have breathed life and hope in me many times when I felt none!!

Those are healing tears.

Nicely written. You have gifts. 💗

M R thank you for putting this in the comments.👍🏻

Beautiful, helpful summary, thank you.

M R a

Thank you. I'm going to copy and paste this to my journal.

Thank you for going to the trouble to list those points, very helpful. 😊

100% true but remember some of us don't have that option and are in it for the long haul.

@Harry Agreed, in which case we have to make them irrelevant and ignore them.

You're absolutely right. That's the best way to go, if you can. But thats exactly the thing. Sometimes, for one reason or another, we just can't do that and need to figure out how to get along with these people... and for that purpose I find these videos so incredibly valuable.

@@christopheroconnor5740 I know! I don't want a divorce. I just want peace. I've been so much more peaceful since I found Dr. C. 😊

This can be done in plain view of him. For instance, I stay in the family. He is so tricky, even has some of them as flying monkeys, but I am getting very strong and have told my children what I go through. It is relatively invisible to family members as he is quite good. I don't discuss it with them, am on my own to fend for myself which is a good thing. I revisit my wonderful help on the internet including the comment sections and go again. He is not going to rob from my children or me our family relations especially with other cousins who are somehow not involved with this nonsense. This is a real challenge for me. But so worth it. I am finally gaining my adult persona. Who knew? I feel for HIM!! Weak and alone inside. Not sure how much of a psychopath he is but doesn't matter to me. Never violent, just destructive to the max, verbally. Him and my Mom but she is no longer here and brother's wife is decent. So I have a real chance. All his negative has to die out.

Jenn McCoy 🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏽‍♀️

We need a voice recording too so we can just push play and repeat

Jenn McCoy I’m in

@@SandriaGuest I need one

Yes! Something to hang in my office wall !!!!

It's true, all all this minds games ,stone wall,anger ,invalidations, triangulatios ,put downs ,silence treatments ,gas lightening,stress,living on the edge ,to be always on defensive mode ,and on high alert, sleeping with the enemy for a long amount of time will drive you crazy and start afecting your mental and emocional sanity ,so just pack your bags (there is nothing in this world that is worth our mental sanity,inner peace and we'll being,not a good job/money /family /relationships and live before you snap and (commit a murder or suicide)...We are in this world to live and search happiness not survive and suffer...

Also are capable of getting very angry, so please please stay safe..

@Dawn Green It is a parent and I don't give a crap at my age what kind of punishment this person thinks they can throw my way. I've already faced that I will be cut out of the will just like my brother. It might take a long time, but eventually it's realized that the havoc they wreak is not worth being involved with them. My life and sanity are worth a lot more than caring what that parent thinks of me. I got over that quite a while ago. I can now freely feel good about myself.

@@sattaway6854 absolutely. I am experiencing similar

Yes, sometimes no contact is the answer to a healthier, happier and more peaceful life.

@strongwon1 Thank you for your encouraging comments. It's just what I was needing to read and hear. I know it's been 4 years since that, so I hope your life is continuing to be a learning journey of how to be happy regardless of what other people do or say. We know we are worthy of love, and can not only love ourselves more but surround ourselves with loving people, and avoid or spend less time around those that want to bring us down into their world of misery. Who cares what they think snyway. They are not God: they have no right to judge. Perhaps they judge others and insist on being right all the time in order to avoid judging themselves. You have given me new insight. Take care.

I am so thankful for this group of people! You are wonderful!

@B F No stay strong. Stay on board with us. We understand you.

OceanSound100 👍💖💐

B F Please never give up on yourself! Leave now before you invest any more time, heart and soul - you deserve love and respect. Anyone who repeatedly mistreats and abuses your mind, heart or body does not deserve your love, time or attention. Like Ocean said, stick with us - you are not alone. 💖🌸💖

B F come on B F, I am American but of German descent! We are strong and tough people. I was there. You will start seeing a little glimmer of happiness as you find yourself, little by little ❤

You sound like a narc. Just saying! 😬

@@karadiberlino I might have been when I was young and stupid but I've gained a lot of wisdom in my old age.

Thanks again Dr C..I now understand and I'm heading towards healing. .I'm no longer available for insane arguments

daniel case Ok good for you admitting this and going forward. I do actually believe ppl should bring NOTHING ELSE BUT HAPPINESS. Surr no problem to talk about important serious issues - but not creating new ones. That is not love! ☮️✌🏼

Daniel case, there are two things that I find are really over done. In the pop psychology world. One is the overuse of terming everything either positive or negative. Is usually used in a condescending way to shame a person for their perception of the situation. I would rather use constructive or destructive. The other is this very overused banter that no one can make you happy. Everyone is totally responsible for their own happiness. In my life which is probably quite long next to yours, I have met people who have literally made me happy. I could be completely down in the dumps and just them appearing and opening a door and standing in my presence made me happy. I also had dealings with people that their sheer presence could pull me down beneath the floorboards. There is an old song which is very famous from Jimmy Durante. It was featured in the sleeping in Seattle movie. It is called "Make someone happy". I played this at my parents 50th wedding anniversary. If we could get back to the concept that somehow we are entrusted with another person's happiness and it is really a privilege to contribute towards it, I think we would be on a better track than we are today. We are all becoming these paranoid people that want to point the finger at everyone else and not come together and joined forces to understand that we all can make each other happy. And we all have the power to make others unhappy. Sometimes, all it takes to cheer up a little soul is to give them an ice cream cone. All it takes to lift your spirits is that a little dog Will come up to you when I get stale and lick your hand as you Pat him on his head. Bless him. He makes people happy. I'm trying to protect myself from people who invalidate me. But I get so much joy from people who set out intentionally to do something to create happiness for me. I know I do that often for others. what I find is that the lesson sometimes is lost, and they are good at seeing it in action but not in emulating the same. Take the time to hold the door as you have your neighbors exiting the building. Take the time to hold the elevator so that they don't have to wait for it again. Offer to hold a grocery bag when you see somebody has two of them. Actually it could make them happy. Keep yourself in a safe area, but be aware for moments that present themselves for random acts of kindness. Some might find this post lengthy. Those people need to learn that they could , with patience ,find that it takes just a few more seconds to go the extra mile.

You know it’s crazy you say that because I try all these tactics and 123 steps on how to deal with a narcissist but the few times I do get validated and then somehow it gets twisted into me being wrong again?? But I got validated so now it’s my turn to be sorry or something.

Good for you!! That's a real accomplishment

Amen, Mary!

I'm always caught off guard, so defense mode is what happens. I hate that.

@@mandyprescott2279 Hey I got ambushed the other day. I wasn't expecting it ... lesson learned baby! I dumped it ...

@2012endofanerror 😂😂😂😂😂😁. Me too 😁😁😁😁

Sad but true. Dr. C

Oh, so VERY true.

What's their hidden agenda?!

@@jackilynpyzocha662 i only know what i have learned from mine. (i then wrote a ton of stuff here . . . and deleted it all. ) in the end, their bias and agenda is super simple, *they want whatever they want, ... at the moment* its almost child like, almost reptilian, very primordial. seemingly ... and they don't want to be bothered with playing fair, or keeping their word, they don't want to feel bad. if they do something, anything ... *profit* is the only motive.... the problem, that profit could be anything....petty and small or large, almost on a whim, from an extra scoop of ice cream, to needing you to treat them in a sacrosanct way, or punishing you for poking their narcissist injury a week ago, or 10 years ago. to injecting doubt, where none existed before. *only they will never (TRUTHFULLY) tell you why* they don't like to negotiate, because that opens the doorway to them losing the upper hand. and they will never admit any of it. ... if they do admit guilt or wrong doing, its only a 1/2 truth concoction to get you off their case. i have never met an emotionally mature narcissist. i am unsure if they exist. the title "bully victim" is a clue, a very true title. a truism. the old film *The Bad Seed (1956)* holds some clues.

Try to bolt ASAP and as far as you can! I changed continents .... narcs in my life cannot swim over the ocean ...so it worked for me ....

The fact is that deep down, he KNOWS he is lesser than you and putting you down is a way of making him feel better than you. IGNORE!

@@studentthe1560 I wish I could ignore him! He yells the loudest, ugliest things a human being should not endure!

@@joannajohnson696 Also, finacial and social standing have additional impact on the narc-victim relationship ....if narc has all of the above, he/she can use it as a tool ...I hope Dr. C can expand his discussion on narcissism in that direction ...from my own experience I found plenty of well born poorly bread and behaving narcs who use their social status and money to poison people's lives .... they pave their way with money as a tool to avoid respecting boundaries of coomon BASIC decency in human behavior ...they claim victims ...also the idea of "marrying up" and finding the prince charming with a castle is highly suspicious ...what happens if the prince is narc?!?

@@TheSahand68 My "Prince" was a Narc and very abusive. There are worse things than being alone. I divorced him in 2001, no children, thank God. I am now at peace and enjoy a no drama, peaceful, life. I do not look for another husband as I fear drawing the same type of person to me again. So far I am now happy, do not miss the social status, the money which he rarely shared or any thing that reminds me of him

All you have to do is show up. Dr. C

@@SurvivingNarcissism Dr C, is it possible to email you and ask a private question?

@@SurvivingNarcissism no kidding!!!!

Yep, ignoring, being emotionally distant and self-absorbed is invalidating and if you speak up for your needs or try to engage, hell breaks loose and you're being a problem. You must hold your ground and heart with them and have NO expectations as they cannot sustain normal emotional connection or discern reality.

Exactly

Michele Lee neives talked about a woman who did go to jail. I think it was in the UK.

Therapists or counselors for mental health are really needed (imo) on this world now-a-days. It costs too much and our veterans and others are self-medicating

Agreed -- at the very least, there should be laws against certain provable aspects of chronic narcissistic abuse.

If only the majority of lawmakers weren’t narcissists themselves

I know...the problem is that emotional and psychological abuse are not aknowledged as violence. But they are!! Emotional violence is very real.

THANK YOU Dr Carter! I also wish I had found your self-help videos earlier. It seems as narcissim is the disease of our time, so many people suffering from it, friends and family members who I cannot just ignore.. It devastates and saddens me tremendously to find such hurtful and mediocre relations with people whom I have loved.. I also find a few of those traits in myself and am scared as it appears to be be an early condition which can't be cured.

I pray you heal from your trauma & give yourself an opportunity to grieve 🙏💞🕊️🕊️🌞✌️

I’m glad you found Dr. C. He has helped me too. Best wishes for healing!

We all feel that way. I am 61--and I catch myself thinking of all the narcissistic fools I have wasted time on, allowed to control me, who ruined parts of my life.

Juanita Jackson I also wish I had this information decades ago! One week my sister & I were best friends, the next week she was stabbing me in the back & saying horrible things about me to my 8 year old daughter. I apologise if this question is too personal. I'm wondering if you went to any memorial service/funeral for her? I don't plan to attend any for my sister if she goes first. I've also made it crystal clear to my husband & children I do not want her attending mine. Is that bad? Honestly, I don't even want her to know that I'm gone. I'm already dead to her anyway. I finally reached my breaking point & went no contact over 3 years ago. How are you feeling about things now? Do you think she knows now how badly she hurt you? Much love to you. 💟 Edit: I'm sorry if I've crossed the line. I don't personally know of anyone else who has been through this.

@Siobhan Fogarty I can't imagine having a narcissist parent! I would probably feel the same way about it.

What helped me is I figured out they are jealous and whatever they accuse you of -they are the ones doing it to you - so just flip their script and you get the truth. Makes it so much more clear.

@@djwendy Exactly!! It's 100% projection, and so clear when you figure it out.

@@djwendy I agree. What I've discovered over the years is that no matter how old the narcissist is, they never actually learn that when they speak, they are actually talking about themselves, and rarely, if ever, about the other person. How sad that is...

Alan, I identify with your comment! My twin sister did the same to me while my narcissistic mother, the human woodchipper, validated my twin's behavior. I was also the scapegoat.

Yep. What doesn't beat you makes you stronger.

Thank you for this, Tiffany. Here I was, ready to SCREAM because my narc-y coworker is just about unbearable to be around. It lightens my soul to be given the perspective that he may actually be doing me some good. (Of course, he would throw his body on the floor and turn blue with rage if he knew that, ha, ha.)

Yep can bring out your better traits at times

TIFFANY PERSAUD the narcissist in your life has you fooled!

@@catg8383, which ones? ;) You'd be surprised what you end up needing to work with if only for a period of time - and that it makes you more mature and stronger to deal with even different things in life.

Or over engage, out talk them (without conflict)

“I understand” without any other words cuts the thread efficiently.

Fluff Your Garfield you’re correct. Especially in cults if you disagree or question a leader you’re shamed, devalued and torn down. If you persist you’re publicly kicked out. It definitely sucks to have someone like this as your father.

Fluff Your Garfield glad you spoke up for her and gave her a safe place. Dealing with a narcissistic family is such a minefield. You want nothing more than to be loved and accepted and will try almost anything to get it. From my experience it can take years before you understand what’s going on and no matter how hard you try nothing is going to change. Hopefully one day your step-sister will see the light and have a safe place with you.

Fluff Your Garfield Thank You! Your communication of the other realities that would have been going on are not only true but it was very impacting to me. I appreciated your engagement on all levels. The best to you as well!

Sorry for your childhood. We are a tribe here and we can share our stories. I had a narc dad and distant enabler mother. My dad is very very selfish.

OH WOW! I hear YOU SISTER! ninarpz2020@gmail.com is my contact if you wanna talk outside this fully public area.

"don't be afraid to fly solo with God as your co-pilot"....Beautiful....This sentence is the one of most empowering guidelines that resonate with me...Thank you for sharing Theresza.

Mantis67 😂😂😂

I hope, this is a joke. 🤔😀

So pleased to get this feedback. Dr. C

Me too,I wish I know about narcissism years ago,this videos will help many people to deal with narcissists in many walk of lifes ,bosses ,work colegues ,brothers,parents ...it's very important to know what you are dealing with ,and start to regain your energy ,self estime and power back,sametimes we spend years surviving unhappy and blaming yourself,Dr Carter is wonderful I fall in is video by accident and I have been watching him everyday since then , everything start to make perfect sense ,I'm working in regained my mental and emocional balance .Greetings from Germany

C-PTSD. I finally understand why I am the way I am. I'm in my 60's and it is never too late to change. I CAN be happy, and I AM a good person. Taking responsibility for my actions, no matter the cause, is how I can change the world around me - by accepting what has happened and realize "it's not me"! I am better than this, the world has a lot of wonderous things to offer, and it's time for me to be happy.

Yep, CPTSD. Look into it. It has a hallmark of having emotion flashbacks where your amygdala is highjacked and the left hemisphere of your brain is turned off leaving you with a flood of emotions that seem to be out of control. Not fun. different to PTDS where you may re live the trauma with visuals of the traumatic event. Emotional flashbacks can seem to come out of nowhere once you are triggered. Takes a strong healing journey to regain control. I am only 46 and discovered that I had CPTSD just over a year ago. I am glad that I understand it but it has been a tough go.

I was thinking that too. He really does GET IT.

Here, here!

He probably had experience with them

He certainly does. The man is an angel.

Thanks for taking me along on the ride! Dr. C

I hope to be that strong soon😀

That moment you take inventory of the people in your life, you realize they need to be moved from full access to limited or no access in yr life...limited contact has restored my peace! And the folk who put themselves on no access by ignoring me all year until they need my help..then they'll blow up my phone...well I finally stopped letting them contol me.

Oh Yes. Brings back memories. Robotic "Im sorry you feel that way" Deflection. "

Mine always said, "I didn't mean to upset you." In saying that, he was saying that he would continue to abuse me as much as he wanted, but I wasn't supposed to get upset about it.

Alice Author that’s exactly what my friend would say. She was just trying to absolve herself of any blame. If she didn’t mean to upset me then she shouldn’t have verbally attacked me. I’m so glad she’s out of my life.

My “husband” can chronically go to bed and fall asleep within minutes, while I toss and turn all night. I’m learning to disengage emotionally in hopes my anger will become calm assertiveness.

@KALEIDIX YW, I keep getting stuck at between #5 & 6 so I need these notes more than anyone lol. One of these days Ill get my head together and they'll be sorry! lol

Fluff Your Garfield I’m sad to hear you too experience the same thing but I thank you for your reply as it makes me feel not so alone in this crazy mess. It’s definitely a process from dealing with it. I’m Thankful for Dr.Cs videos and people like yourself.

Perplexes me also plus bewilderment plus mouth dropping craziness 🙀

You have to disengage and learn to stick up for yourself, or show up that is. They cannot let up.

@@marylouleeman they won't let you stick up for yourself they will scream at you & not let you have a voice & if you do get to say something it's twisted around & they start screaming again the only way to stick up for yourself is to leave forever.

Break contact with that person. Don't try to figure out how or why. It's a waste of your time and energy. Start living your best life today.

Now I know what to expect when my narc mother passes. I'm the youngest sibling and the scapegoat of the family, the work-mule, and the incompetent bumbling fool. I expect they won't give me my fair share. Someone said that narcs can be vindictive. I feel like I can be, too. We'll see what happens.

Received with gratitude. Thanks, Shelby. Dr. C

Thank goodness you are for us. You are so important

And once you see the narc's game, it becomes theatrical, a spectacle, "curiousier and curiouser".

You need to leave your husband Cathy; before he totally destroys not just your emotional stability, but also, your financial independence (seems he's tryiing to wreck your WORK position too, GAINING MORE CONTROL (total?) over you, in the process, note). Don't let the trap close.

I would add as a temporary measure you ask him to not call you at work during work hours anymore (protect your employment/employer; they don't deserve this either, do they?). Regardless of whether he agrees or not, ask the receptionist to not put him through anymore. If you have a direct line, simply put the phone down every time he calls. You have a mobile no doubt; he can use that during work hours; never answer calls from him, he can leave a message, right. :) PROTECT YOUR FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE!

GreenEyed Tiger Since you are full of hatred toward women, vicious to a total stranger, and most likely toxic, I think I’ll try some of Dr. Carter’s advice on you. “What is it that you are wanting me to understand?” “I understand your perspective, however I am comfortable with what I have already decided.” And I will make no further defense because you are not worth my emotional energy. Namaste!

Maybe the best question for ministets is how to fight evil?

Yes 100%

Yes and wasted years

I hate the silent treatment. They keep on and on. More and more harsh. Ignoring did not work for me. I am a easy going happy person that cannot stay bottled up, and yelled at or put down...😢

Cherry Top I went to California & just said hell why not just stay? I’d drive from Florida for work. No obligations, no family , paid & optimistic, (I’d gone as a child w my parents once age 5.

ᗩᑎYᗯᗩY, ᕼᗴ ᗷᗩITᗴᗪ ᗰᗴ, ᖴᒪIᗴᔕ ᗰᗴ ᗷᗩᑕK TO ᖴᒪᗩ ,Tᕼᗴᑎ ᑭᖇOᗰᑭTᒪY ᗪIᔕᑕᗩᖇᗪᗴᗪ ᗰᗴ. IT ᗯᗩᔕ ᗩ ᑕOᗰᑭᗴTITIOᑎ TO ᕼIᗰ. I ᖇᗴᘜᖇᗴT ᒪᗴᗩᐯIᑎᘜ ᗩᑎᗪ ᔕᗩᗷOTᗩᘜIᑎᘜ ᗰY ᗪᖇᗴᗩᗰᔕ & ᑎOT ᔕᗴIᘔIᑎᘜ Tᕼᗴ OᑭᑭOTᑌIᑎITY TO ᕼᗩᐯᗴ Tᕼᗴ "ᘜᗴTTIᑎᘜ Tᕼᗴᖇᗴ""ᑭᗩᖇT 𝕆𝕦𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕨𝕒𝕪 𝕒𝕤 𝕒 𝕓𝕠𝕟𝕦𝕤 𝕋𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕜𝕩 𝕥𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕞 𝕛𝕠𝕓 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕗𝕚𝕟𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝟛𝟘𝟘𝟘 𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝕥𝕣𝕚𝕡 & 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕡𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕞𝕖 𝕦𝕡𝕦𝕟 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕡𝕜𝕜

Agree

Yes, survive and outlast. Dr. C

Document everything...Don't get sucked in emotionally/mentally, because getting you to react opens you up for her to vampire your energy, (literally.) Put a light around yourself and "batton down," your energetic hatches every day for psychic protection. Perhaps if she sees that you're not a willing participant, she'll move on. They look for victims. Your biggest protection is just what was shared in this video...That you are not playing the game. And sometimes, you may have to move on...but only you (and God) will know if that's what you need to do. All the best. There are so many emotionally and mentally ill people. The best thing that we can do is not to be one!

@@eagleeye2300 What Paula said, DOCUMENT EVErYTHING, EVERYTHING ... takes notes, video, write it down, if a witness sees something, talk with them and DOCUMENT

I say if you can, change departments. I tried to out live the narc by being invisible. A good smear campaign and a few flying monkeys (which was easy for her to get because the atmosphere just made them thankful it wasn't them) and I was fired after 19 years of nothing but great performance appraisals. She said she called patients to see how their experience was and they all said I was a problem, used my name. The most evil person! I loved helping people, so she used that. The one think she knew was most important to me. Destroyed my integrity. Truly the devil.

@@eagleeye2300 also record it😆😆😆😆😅

OceanSound100 I am so sorry!!😔 I have felt that way too. I had to distance myself from them. It brought me a whole lot of peace. I will be praying for you.💕

@@s7449 Thank you! and wishing you the best as well. I visited my elderly mother in the nursing home the other day, and there she was showing me photos of the family like she treasures family photos. Enough to make me go insane!! I had to at least go and see her before she passes or I would regret it - I believe.

OceanSound100 Sometimes I wonder do they really know what they do to hurt us. You did what was best and to bring you peace and no guilt. All of this is a process we have been dealing with for years. Glad to know we don't have to deal with it alone.

@@s7449 You're so lovely. Thanks! Have a nice day, please.

OceanSound100 You too!!