Covert Narcissism + Gaslighting = Your Anxiety 

So kind. Dr. C

Yeah, for those of us who've been to hell and back, we understand...but the world doesn't....I guess the world is one big narcissist. Love and healing to you all. Amen.

Thank you!! Love right back at ya!

Definitely demonic in my opinion and according to scripture. Jezebel and Leviathan spirits. My x's eyes would turn from brown to green and he would foam at the mouth during his horrific rage attacks. That's not natural. No way! JS 🙏

@@sandrathomas2893 Yeah, it's otherworldly... and it's very odd that they can conceal themselves to the outside world so well. But, some day they will be revealed.

Katie Lynn How can we overcome or understand or prevent or defend? No one wants to be treated like this, but I feel too fucked up to fix it or get over it or even grow up, all this happens subconsciously, so how can we learn? Mom-ster

@@loannagarwood dear one, you must pull yourself up by your bootstraps ( an old saying😉) and use your God-Given resources! You are strong, aware, and caring. How do I know? Because you see the difference. 😘🙏🏼❤️

@@loannagarwood dr. Les Carter and dr. Ramani are the one who can help, first to understand and then to live trough the traumas and going through the ugly truth and growing a new self respect. We can do it and we deserve it and we owe it to ourselves. Bless you

@@loannagarwood how did I get threw it? well, it hurt terribly. but the more I learned about the Covert the more I realized how terrible life truly is for them. for every friendship and relations they have is based on lies, lies and more lies!! I have come to pity my parents and brother. they threw away all the years I looked up to them, they have lost all what I had for them. and I pity them for loosing that. and Pity them for all the dirt they will bring to themselves tomorrow and beyond!!!

Dangerous in abusive family situation. Makes Reporting it and being believed seem impossible to overcome, but thanking God its getting recognition in all the right places. . 🧡🦋🥀🙏

Amen!

It makes me verrry sad because that's my husband! :'(

When I finally disconnected I felt just that, and I could feel my own identity coming back to life now that my own interests were back on the radar. It's especially frustrating on a personal level for me because my number one interest is psychology and personal growth, so naturally I felt as though I came in to her life to help her overcome. But she has to want to help herself,first and foremost. Now that I'm emotionally detached maybe I can now, but from a distance. I know we're not supposed to think this way, but the problem for these people is their unwillingness to let their defenses down, so if that's ever to happen it'll be best achieved in an impersonal way, and in writing from a distance. That way I'm not actually there to manipulate or to defend against, so she'll have an opportunity to speak freely to questions I ask that are too uncomfortable otherwise, hopefully begin to gain some much needed self awareness, and start taking the first steps in choosing to respond differently to her triggers. God knows I'm the only one who ever cared enough to have the patience to let her do that.

Yes!

Robert Dabob . I am 68 and done personal growth all my life. Today I kicked him out after 48 years of him doing exactly what these videos say. He had me the last decades with holding my hand and driving me crazy. I was just honest all that time with him and he played off my narc mother caused all my brain and emotional problems. Thank good I had light bulbs finally come on. I have been wondering what the hell was the matter with me? I might die lonely and broke but I did finally see the answers clearly.

Yep. Its disgusting. It’s hard to wrap your head around someone being capable of being so horrible to another human, so you think it must be something you’re doing wrong. My brain still has trouble comprehending how someone feels better by damaging another human being’s spirit so horribly.

True! You tend to not trust your own emotions.

me too

Jenny May Yes. They damage the spirit so much it is impossible to comprehend.

Yes! That is why I started writing it all down. I’d write down all the awful things I remembered and look at the list when I was questioning my perception. If you are still in it. Write down all the things right after they happen, that way, you can look at a log of what was FOR SURE said and done and you won’t be persuaded otherwise. I would go back and read my mom’s texts to me. That always helps clear up that she is abusive as it is right there in black and white in her own words. I think the best though, is my list of all the horrible, yet subtle, things she has done. Also, my therapist is wonderful and keeps me honest on things. She says I tend to downplay my abuse. Not anymore! It’s a new year and a new decade and I am completely free. I went no contact about 9 months ago. I hope you are free now also and getting help professionally or working on it yourself to heal. They are vile human beings but we can take our lives back. Hugs! 💕

O I know. 36 year's of marriage and not ever knowing the truth.

Yes, the gaslighting thing. Omg. I feel like a moron. 😪 Now, I'm on to him. But it's very tiring...

@L0ve Gratitude worry not, my friend! You're about to get your life back.. I'm doing exactly the same as you, after 10yr of my subconscious trying to tell me to run.. once you've gathered you're dealing with a npd, it's game over!

Exactly Danny.. I'm coming out of a 30 yr marriage/mirage...

@@shortchanged9889 30yr of narcissistic abuse, that's rough! I hope recovery is going well! Enjoy the rest of your life, man! I doubt much will get you down, after that!

Kathleen let me know how to heal over a long relationship? Been thru it all. Malignant Narcissism

Same hear..best wishes on your journey 🙏🏽

@@mlesposito207 being here is a good start ..best wishes on your journey 🙏🏽

@@mlesposito207 therapy, RMD therapy and more therapy. He is paying big time, out of his pocket. Of course he thinks my therapy needs are because I’m a depressed person, nothing to do with him. Unfortunately I’ve had to stay married because of finances and investments. But I’ve learned how to detach myself from him, typically he doesn’t notice, still wrapped up in his own self.

I love you Kathleen, your are a strong amazing person. I’m proud of you for healing and finding the strength to move on. Sending you blessings.

I call them monsters myself, the worst people on the planet. Ugh!

You put it well. They are sick, really. I see them as their own little Sun whereby they act to pull everything in their vicinity to orbit about them. Spend enough time around them and you'll feel pulled and pushed around. Their stupidity works in their favor. They're so dense they are convinced of their rightness and other people get fooled by this "confidence"; confidence that's built on ignorance and an utter lack of self and other awareness. They're also a holes, though, as a part of them is aware and just does not care.

Don't worry life must go on, life begins at 40.

same here.goog to know we are not alone

Same right here. Even after I read so much about narcissistic abuse, and found out that my mom was a covert narc, I still have no idea who I am. I constantly doubt my own feelings, emotions and recollection of events. Hell, I'm even doubting the abuse ever happened even though I have had my therapist and close relatives confirm it. Covert narcs just mess you up.

@@DMCdantenero112 I hear you.. I cannot get my head around this abuse yet I know its true.. Its soul destroying..

So glad you have support system.. We need it.. We have been left so insecure we doubt everything.. That's how the narc wants us.. Stay strong.. And get free.. 👍

The stomach is the center of fear. The chest is that of courage. The throat is the center of pain... They're linked to the chakras.

Same! Stomach was always tighened around them! Was the first time interacting with a man! My mistake, thought it was my shyness and butterflies. I ran during lovebombing phase, his exwife warned me.

I almost hear the Three stooges and the twilight zone theme also

Thats true! I am constantly told what he pays for, what he bought for me. I just wish I could find a good job soon so I will never have to hear that again!

Once my covert narcissist said to me "I give u a place to stay..." 😐 I've been married to him for 18 yrs! Wtf is that supposed to mean?

I had a sibling call me a martyr once when I was exhausted caring for our mother. Sibling has been manipulative all our lives. She wanted me along on a trip just to be the nurse for mom. Like she cared more about going out and having fun then taking a turn caring for mom. Talk about gaslighting. I am only good as long as I can be told what to do by her. Things have changed since I pretty much try to grey stone people. So hard for me to trust anyone that has hurt me as a deflection or projection. I am needing to move away from people that take advantage of me, my spouse is my biggest gas lighter. Usually hiding behind his need to be worshipped and cared for while he is in a manic or depressive state. I am a magnet. Thanks for letting me vent.

@@rachel2journal Classic projection ~ call YOU the martyr!

I'm Going Through This Frequently

YEEEEEESSSSSSS Literally happened to me today. He outright said “I said those things because you have so many barrier” in response to me telling him you don’t say things like “You’re difficult to love” and “you’d feel wanted here if you were happy instead of depressed” to someone you (claim to) love.

You are exactly right! It’s always us who are wrong, NEVER them! 🙄

My ex husband blamed me for the end of our marriage and his depression. I tried to help him with his depression. I tried to fight for our marriage but he pushed me away because he found somone he liked better, the shiney new person. I'm the bad guy for having anxiety though.

@@solaniamorgansteign I am about to go through this too. I have endured my last "rage" Now to disentangle.

YES! Agreed. No matter how much you sacrifice, they are looking for the next victim to worship them behind your back (even though I see it quite clearly).

Yes i have tried & tried my whole life to love them but it's futile.

Charlie, that was my point exactly.

Michelle Rosenblum MS, MSed Yes and then they tell you "It doesn"t work" before flying into a rant. Just incredible. They are N-E-V-E-R wrong. Oi!! Emily Liberty

So true, nothing was ever enough, love, sex, attention, nothing can fill up that empty hole in their soul.

yip. I know this too well. It's horrible.

Jan Brennan lol mine went to law school!

Jan Brennan my narcissist IS a lawyer! Never Again!

Just work on staying away and move on to a new life subtly... Only then you can recover for yourself and deserving individuals in your life...

Or as my low contact oldest brothenemy lol who's now a retired narcopath attorney, enough soooooo that I wrote him an essay of an autobiography.

Yeah it's hard getting away from a narc when it's your parents and you're always exhausted. One step at a time I'll make it out eventually

Yes I have learned so much from him

I agree with you. He is one outstanding gentleman. God Bless him. A huge Blessing to many. 💗

❤

You can just feel the warmth and caring of this man by listening to him. That southern drawl and compassion are a beautiful combination. I'd I had to guess I'd say he's an infp like myself, but more highly developed and less jaded than myself lol.

Mr. Carter?

Wow, *this* is my life - like, you & I must seriously know the very same person. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

This is so true. I am on the receiving end of a narcissist who has lost me, and who is trying to regain power. The words 'leave me alone' don't register with him.

I noticed last night I had a thumbs down and the video hadn't even run yet. Geez! Dr. C

Surviving Narcissism Told you they're worried! 😉

Lol!!!!! Exactly!!

Dr. Carter's videos have been a blessing upon blessings...I always Share them within my family and friends circle. Also, post them on my Facebook page. 💖💞💖

I never understood thumbs down in general ......... If you dont like it dont watch it 👍 done

Pleased! Dr. C

@@SurvivingNarcissism indeed yes soft yet protective blanket...lullaby yet empowering lullaby

Absolutely. I am not dealing with emotional and mental exhaustion. So much so, I cannot function. My memory is at a loss and I am so weepy all the time.

Rachel Bennett get away and stay away. Promise to take care of yourself and learn what healthy looks like.

Yep....they're everywhere and run the world!!

@@rachel2journal Nothing is Worth living like that. NOTHING. Please, by whatever means necessary, Get Out!!!

chinookvalley yep. When I say he’s going to kill me, I don’t mean i’m going to end up an episode of 48 hours on ID with Maureen Maher, I mean the high arousal/fight or flight my body has been in 24/7 for is going to end up killing me. I’m going to die of a disease or medical problem that would normally be seen in a geriatric patient before I’m 50 if I can’t get this under control.

@Sonja Walker mine too, never sorry, just I don't remember.

I dont remember but ..... maybe YOU misunderstood me, OR that would not have been my intention!!

@The world I live in If they know you, wouldn't they also know the difference?

@The world I live in and there is the difference- You apologise

Oh my gosh yes!

I agree...this was another biggie for me!!!

@@judyscheiber3661 Thank you. It will be work...but I will.

We Are Strong We Will Be Ok

@@richardmeyer1837 Yes, we will!!!

@@judyscheiber3661 I'm going to remember that. Thanks!

Prayers for you...!

Exactly! My ex would use all of these tactics... She 86'ed me when I've began calling her out on her tactics and her dismissive and gaslighting behavior... It was like as if a seven-year-old child trying to prove her ridiculous reasoning to an adult... It's so pathetic and frustrating to see an grown woman to act like that!

Roshawn Greene I found that accepting their POV kept the boat steady. But soon as you challenge them then the sulks, whining and projection begin. Pathetic creatures who can’t win or lose an argument fair and square. And the negative energy you feel around them is a total mood killer. Toxic emotional vampires with no identity

Agree completely.

Yes!!

yes this is exctly what i experienced

Sound like my be now ex husband of 23yrs! I cant believe took me too long to realize n understand what nasistic of a person he has been! I now know he is a master manipulator!

Bridgton1 He is a street “angel” but in reality a house devil - good luck to you. Wishing you freedom, peace and healing. 💖🍀💖

jada zonn Good luck, peace and healing to you too. 💖🍀💖

@@christinebuckingham8369 thank you so much ❤

Bridgton, I know that type of man all too well.

Yes. The revisionist history was a big one for the narc I knew and one he loved to use. Then, when caught in his twisted tales and the truth was pointed out of what really happened, he'd get all huffy and silent and act insulted, offended and outraged. He always twisted every story so he'd either be the noble hero or the aggrieved martyr who was done oh so wrong- and it was all a load of manipulative rubbish. However, even now, I'm not sure if he actually believed his revisionist histories/twisted tales or whether he knew that he was spewing pure garbage and was doing it on purpose. I wonder if they lie to themselves and in their own disordered mind, the lie suddenly becomes the "truth?"

@@ronw484 I'm sure they're not all the same but in my experience he just spews lies like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Or like a rat running away

@@ronw484 I've wondered the very same here ron! I'm all but 100% certain they've told nothing but lies all day every day of their so-called lives to where I truly do believe & told the ex-narc, she's the Only one who believes all her own bs, yet nobody else does! If they're fool enough to buy into their lies, they won't for long as they never tell the same stories twice! There's always differences, every time they tell their fables of pure fiction they've created on the fly in their fantasy lands they try to drag anyone & every one into as another source of supply! Demon possessed & usually they're alcoholics and/or drug addicts both! The one I ended up with was both! 50 year old body, she used only to gain attention with & totally destroy the insides of herself & has likely been doing so her entire life now! Anytime she got that demonic look of pure evil in her eyes & would threaten me, I'd always say, "Go ahead, if it'll make your day better. I am NOT scared of you demons", anytime I called them out, she would get a look come over her as if in total shock, I was not scared! Weirdest thing I've ever encountered! Sex with her, same thing would happen more times than I care to recall, her eyes would roll right up inside her eyelids to where all I'd see is total whites of the bottoms of her eye balls! Exactly like depicted in so many movies! I also called her out on that every time I saw it!

@@ronw484 No, they can't lie to themselves, they can be deceitful, and they love to get away with cheating and lying. Period.

Gosh yes this is how they are!!!!

🎮👀🙊🙉🙈💀🏍🙄🤕😴😩🕵👁🎩🤡🤷🤒🤚🤚🤚🤚

You summed it all up when you called word salad. So many nonsence words, in so many directions, then full reverse in another direction the next day. You brain IS in a fog! This is very unhealthy for you. I send you positive energy that you may find your clarity.

Same problem here. It’s getting worse with the narc’s age

OMG the filter scenario! This was my former life in my 25 yr marriage. Best thing ever was getting out, but years later I still have triggers.

Me too 😊🍎MTA is awesome!

Well done Michelle it's a difficult road, but you do come out the other side a lot stronger. Best wishes.

I'm in the same boat as you. Its a tough row to hoe, I am an example of how life can have some freeing experiences, after six decades! Still have issues and exposure, Dr Carter is helping so much. Many good thoughts sent your way!

Michelle this also applies to me! Yes recognizing the codependency that this Behavior creates in early childhood is so interesting and we can break the chain!

Well observed Michelle. My codependency to my mother began when my Dad died - I was 26; I am 56 now, all alone. She has utterly destroyed my life. Why could I not see what she was doing. Smh

Glad you are free

Same but with my mom. I'm so relieved to finally understand what has been going on my whole life. My dad too but I havent seen him for years and now I wont be seeing my mom anymore either.

@@melodieperkins7080 Thank You!

Sherri M Yes for far too many years

Sherri M yes, I hear it all the time

I heard those phrases and more: "just because you don't remember me saying it doesn't mean I didn't.", "I'm sorry you didn't hear me when I told you..." "it's not my fault you don't listen to me" "...not my fault you don't understand me"...

YES. All the time. Just when I think things are settling down, BOOOOOM! Another critique about how I changed for the worse or I am not helping enough.

@@cindykaye3152 oh Cindy, you nailed it. I hear that too. I actually went to get my hearing tested. I have good hearing. Maybe I don't translate Narc "speech" well.

A while ago, I had a bizarre experience with a covert narcissist. At that time, I didn't know he was one. He'd be almost oversharing about some aspects of his life, but he'd tell me only cleverly selected bits about the things that actually mattered. He was from a different country with very different social norms, so I thought his weird communication style was due to cultural differences. But in the end, I got tired of his twists and turns and ended the contact with him.

@@danceandmore88 Yes the talking and appearance of sharing and yet extreme vaguenes at the same time. Strange comments that don't seem to fit the story so that you are left guessing what the real story is. Its crazy making and it takes a lifetime with these people to ever piece their history together and even then they are still lying and covering up. Mine was literally living a double life that very few people even know about now. They move on and decieve a whole set of new friends.

When I first met him he told me in depth fascinating stories about his time operating freight trains. So much detail I wanted to scream. Now 2 yrs later I ask him a question about his train days, or a news item about trains, he won't talk about it, it's like it never happened. I am trying only to link into the man's past career interest, and get nothing. Ok, so as u say the rest of his story has been vague bits and pieces. Yet we are supposed to communicate? Let me out, he just attacks and gaslights. I pray for the opportunity to leave.

Thank you for opening my eyes ❤️

OMGosh 😳 ..... that’s really evil!!! Blessings for a better life ! ❤️

Catherine Heal not a coincidence! It’s like they read the same playbook with a variation now and then. They totally lack imagination and will go to the same scheme over and over and over again! Mind blowing insanity!

Oh yes if you find out one of your loved ones is sick well their family member all of the sudden has cancer and is dying. Oh and then 3 months later their family member doesn't have cancer after all.

@@candiceo5805 that is one too. Everything was compared or a competition. It was always an excuse.

@@GodsChosenMekAmoR Hi! IKR and who in their right mind makes a competition out of loved ones health issues? Well they aren't in their right mind so that explains that.

They come from the same place..... hell....and have the same master... satan.

Yesssssss...good for you. Me too!

Same here.

That is my situation exactly! I've been married to my husband for 15 years and he has not once empathized with me for any situation I've spoken to him about. I think the hardest part for me is to finally understand that he will never be someone for me to confide in or to work through any problem. He always blames me or says something negative about me, never seeing my side of anything. I am deeply sad over this. I left him 5 years ago and was so happy but he talked me into coming home and here we are again. 😞.

@@rachelskipworth9236 I pray you are able to get closure on it. I'm just realizing the hurt of having to defend myself and the time of me venting turning into things about me after someone else has provoked, offended, or been nasty to me. The situation of how it made me feel is never addressed but how I should've handled or how my attitude is not good becomes the issue (in that moment of all moments) and you have to bottle that anger or hurt to deal with later as you protect yourself from your own husband that SHOULD have your back. It's a deep hurt that we say we can handle but really years of that messes with our mind and spirit. How can I be in a healthy relationship with someone who will run to hug or talk to my enemy or the person who hurt me. It's so sickening and evil. Start writing a list of the times he didn't validate you. I bet it will be many and use that as a tool to keep you from normalizing his lack of loyalty. He is prob disloyal in many other ways lacking integrity with you as well. This disorder is a hard one and being married is the topper. I'm in the middle too because I'm not going to initiate a divorce he would have to. Well at least that's what I feel convicted to do in this moment. I am not playing his games either and he wants me back so bad. I had to say when he said he misses me that really means in narc mind I miss using you for supply. It helps to keep me from falling deep in because I loved him and it's not normal for healthy people to have to be mean or standoffish to protect ourselves but it must be done. Stay strong🙏

This character flaw is in so many people. It's so sad, I get it from friends, from coworkers.my social circle has become very small as I just don't feel close to anyone who cannot provide just a little bit of empathy or understanding.when it's that way and someone cannot validate how you feel, relationships tends to feel phony. As I have approached dating several times, I use this as a little test.I will Express something and I mean not to be like I'm complaining or being negative but just talk about something that has bothered me, and I look to see how they react to it. Surely enough, it is usually disregarded and or subject changed. Yep, I'll be single for life LOL

Superficial Charm or charm offensive that's my huge tell. With a narc it's all rolled into a package, you notice one sign, then another sign then you're done. They're usually going to be well put together and have good physical appearance. So, right off the bat they get your attention. Then they have your attention and they're just a little bit over the top with the dramatics. I never even knew reading people was a thing, but what I know now, better late than never. Videos like this are saving lives.

Yes! That spiritual dimension is so real! Dark and demonic

@@koriribarsosio4174 yes I have had several tells about the spiritual side. It is scary to the core.

Hi, is there anything else? I'm not sure I'd be able to spot one.

I am sooooo jealous of your ability to use your intuition around a narcissist..I married 2.....I was a nurse who could use my intuition there to save a woman and child in labour....Go figure

You're onto it. Dr. C

Or they will say something to embarrass you or get you riled up so that then they can justify their craziness. Yep, I'm learning. Stopped doing the dinners years ago.

Further whatever information you give them, they will deliberately tell some exaggerated figure etc to a family member, to make you look foolish for spending too much on whatever item or service it may be. And they'll do it on the phone so that you can hear and get upset and try to correct their understanding. So that you appear like an agitated, aggressive person to the other person.

You met my ex??

My mom always asks me how much I pay for stuff. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. She one time asked if I got a raise anytime recently, then said right after, "your field doesn't really get raises." She's always asking how much I make. Narcs will make you feel low.

How do you get away from a narc when they are holding you hostage in their endless rambling conversations without making them mad? This is one of their favorite ways to get supply.

@@amypatton6730 There is no way to make them not mad. Fear is our biggest obstacle here. Walking away is the best thing you can do for yourself. My ex used to do this to me when I was in the car with him. So I comprehend.

I feel ya. I have broken down in hysterical tears. Not anymore. Thanks to Dr. Carter

The power is in the " knowing" once you see them for what they are you will cry less. It's not you, trust me, on that.

I have one of my own. Spent years trying to make him happy with no success. Finally had a nervous breakdown and had to go out on disability. Now he’s in charge of the money and says why would I ever leave he’s the golden goose and he saved us financially when I had to quit working and there is no way I’d make it on my own!! 😂😂😂 He also says everybody thinks I’m crazy and the cause of all our problems that even my family thinks so, lol!! What does he think.I’m not going to ask my family how they feel about me😳🤷‍♀️. I just shrug it all off now!!

Some narcissists make other people into narcissists.

Making you look crazy is one of their favorite things to do. They do things to trigger you ( in private) and then when you react ( as they knew you would) their favorite phrase is "you're crazy" and then love to play the " victim card" to everyone else that will entertain them with how crazy you are. Can you believe you EVER fell for their shenanigans? Sharpen your discernment tools and do not be deliberately fooled again.

Our mission in this life is to recover from co-dependency. That is the longing for acceptance and validation from people outside ourselves.. When we can do that then we are free. Not easy I will admit but possible, I promise you. Only then do we get to be in healthy relationships. That is what life is all about. Best wishes for you.

You commented a year ago but I want you to know that as someone with two narc parents, your words felt as they were mine. Feeling emotionally gaslighted and abandoned is what led me to be done in my 30s

Thanks for this, Jenny. Narcissists are known for robbing you of you. Best wishes as you move forward, and I'm glad you're with us on the SN channel. Dr. C

I also never thought I had anxiety but I had a panic attack that landed me in the ER because I literally thought I was having a heart attack and almost felt like I would lose consciousness. It was alarming to say the least. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this as well. I'm currently divorcing my NH and we have 3 children. Part of me hopes he will discard me and vanish just so I don't have to endure his paranoid madness and abuse but part of me is also very heartbroken that my life goals and family ideals are all dashed by a selfish manipulator. Hugs to you 💜

Now that you understand what's going on, you can be less manipulated by the tactics. I thought I was having a heart attack one night, the pressure he put on me was so intense. He would not stop the calls and texts. I had to shut off my phone! I was up all night, so upset. The next morning one of my beautiful dogs died suddenly! He had not been sick! I truly believe my dear boy took my severe anxiety 'to heart', literally. I take his message to me seriously; beware, keep this man away from us. I am doing everything I can to make this happen, so that my sweet boy did not die in vain.

I'm in the same spot. Living on a very small fixed income. I'm in the cage with the tiger. Yikes!

I'm sorry for your pain. It's hard to read about your situation but I have confidence that each day will be a bit better than the one before. Peace and blessings.

I was feeling kinda bad for not learning this until my forties, however, I'm glad I have and its better late than never for sure!

get as much support as you can b strong and remember narc is crazy not u

Being the scapegoat in a toxic family is the worst! The whole family is committed to the story that whatever goes wrong it is your fault. It is heinous abuse. Know this, if you can finally go no-contact, the narcissist will turn their rage onto the next victim. There can ultimately be some vindication if the narcissist's enablers start to see the wrath turned onto them. But also, they can continue to blame you even in your absence. Remember, it's not your fault! Take care of you, let them stew!

Hi amy, I don't know whether or not you'll see this comment but anyway.. first of all I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you're doing better now. Secondly, I'm in a pretty similar situation, I was wondering if you could share some tips that helped you lessen your anxiety?

@@flamingoo3955 hello. I am sorry for your pain as well. I did a lot of research to help validate what was going on. Then I took steps to get help. I joined groups for anxiety so I could meet new people. One of the major thing I had to do is let go and grieve. This takes many attempts because when you feel a little better, you think you can go back, but you can't so you have to grieve all over again. I wish you joy and happiness in your new developing life...also learning to set boundaries and enforcing them or walking away when they are broken. No fighting, no defensiveness. Just honor yourself.

@@amybreunig1214 Hi, it's nice to know i might not be the only one who (desperately) tries to validate my experience through the internet :,) It feels very painful, im currently grieving the "mom" and the "family" I have but at the same don't actually have. It often breaks my heart. I still live with them(I'm a bit young), but i often feel like I'm alone in the world.Thank you for your kind words, and for your advice. I wish you the best.

Very brave. Hold on tight.

Isn't is amazing how many years of your life you feel robbed of? Yet she's 92 and holding. I'm thinking about ya.

@@krisluvsutube2684 Yep I am too naive and trusting. We must all be careful not to project our own good intentions onto them because it causes us to waste our lives. Thanks Kris.

I wasted so much time and energy on my narc mother. They never change. Took till my 50s to realise it. Thank God for psychology.

Y m is the same - she is 84 and worse than ever.

They will waist ur life till ur grave .smh.

Happening on a grand scale right now with this ever changing narrative around covid19!!

100% True. I wholeheartedly agree.

Spot on

I agree with you, however, the worst covert I know is 67 and doesn't own a smartphone...

I think there's a misconception about narcissism that it's about people who just like the way they look. It's definitely deeper than that and I'm sure it's been around for a long time.

Bobbie Daniel I agree. Old ladies on Facebook spying on their grandkids so they can get information on the adult children and use it against them. Lots of narcissists don’t have technology. And it’s very old- it’s not new at all, we just call it out and see it now. That original comment is a little ignorant. Narcissism is not selfies. That’s what society thinks, so they miss that the pastors wife is controlling the church script, or that amazing father and Boy Scout leader is actually a raging narcissist abuser at home.

Sounds like my family too!

Sounds like my family too...they love to pull you into their drama and then blame the drama on you! No contact is best for me. No more head games ...but even when things are quiet I know they are plotting and planning some kind of evil. Sad.

Dayna Smith I’m sorry you suffer with family like this too We have zero contact too mostly instigated by the dark side as I call them My wife has been very hurt by them over the years. Sadly having no Contact is best thing My wife raised 2 grandchildren for one child for over 16 years because mummy couldn’t do it (hmm) but went on to have several more children!! But when theses kids left here within a short time both have turned around a kicked my wife so hard and so hurt fully I guarantee someone got in their ear My gave up her life to help her own child and what thanks has she got. None This is only the tip of the iceberg sadly there’s mountains more crap caused by these “ people “ on the dark side

@@michaelharrison500 it's so bad that good hearted people get done this way. God sees all and knows all and He keeps a perfect record of everything. I'm sure your wife has been a blessing to many ! I was always a happy person growing up and my family hated it. Narcissists don't like anyone to be happy. I do stay away from them now and don't trust anyone easily because of how I've been treated. I surround myself with my pets. They love unconditionally. May God bless you and your wife and much happiness to you both!!

Dayna Smith thank you so much and god bless you too Must agree I’ve become very wary of people now My wife is very much damaged by these “people “ sadly She will be ok and doesn’t want any contact with the dark side

Emily Graham great question Emily! I learned about that gaslighting trick while with the narc .. then in a moment of opportunity I did it with her phone (triangulation weapon) and saw the confusion that I had been feeling so often IN HER... I saw what was happening to me .. it was over forever within a month after that

Wow, I didn't know this. So much makes sense now.

My younger sister would do this to me too when she was in primary school. At my father's funeral she made deprecating comments in her eulogy, it read like a resume. Even her husband spoke up in his defence. They have zero manners, empathy. Never mentioned all he had done to help her. She got a lot of things her way as she was "the baby" of the family. They are very sneaky and entitled, no consideration of others.

Quiche Lorraine perhaps that’s it. I don’t know however I felt awful doing it as it was so dastardly but the confusion and panic was clear as could be .. I had only read of it as I was studying narcissism while with a brilliant covert malignant narc .. scary smart person she was but my education on the disorder was due to my feeling like walking on eggshells and I stumbled upon the information ... and my experiment demonstrated its effectiveness without a doubt .. that ppl take pleasure in their methods of hurting ppl makes it perfectly clear to me that they lack virtual the same void of compassion or empathy as killers .. they just haven’t gone there yet likely due to fear of being caught not because they wouldn’t .. that’s how evil it is

Quiche Lorraine that is so true. That ex malignant narc that I unfortunately once loved had been married to a narc worse than her and their daughter had ODd on heroin at age 17 in their home ... her husband moved a gf of their daughter into their home a week after the death and bought her a car and throwing money at her all supposedly in his grief. I’m fairly certain he was having sex with her. So my narc ex gf whom I dated in college finally moved out and eventually contacted me because because she was considering suicide. Her ex husband was trying to make her believe it was her fault after she left... when I came back into her life after the hoovering she started triangulating and gaslighting me an incredible amount and I couldn’t take it ... so I think I figured out from Sam Vaknin (youtube) that she was an inverted narcissist .. one who enjoys being supply to a greater narcissist but also loves to to do narcissistic stuff to empaths and that was me ... the evil void of her ability to have any empathy for others was shown to me and even her cats knew something was wrong with her .. both would fight to be with me and one of them NEVER went to her EVER but loved being petted by me .. her cats were wonderful and I’m not even a cat lover I prefer dogs.. I left her and understood why her daughter was on heroin ... both her parents were full blown malignant narcs and she couldn’t get a proper emotional connection with them .. I suspect her father abused her earlier in her life but I do know he sexually abused his own wife as the things she told me blew me away and yet she told me that he loved her ... sick sick sick ... she was an alcoholic and taking antidepressants and was quite wealthy .. saw a shrink but only to get drugs as I saw zero self awareness and emotional growth since I first fell in love with her decades before in college .. the trauma bond I had for her had lasted that long as I always thought it was my fault I broke it off with her those years ago because I never felt good or safe in the relationship back then which was also filled with triangulation and all types of narc abuse that affected me deeply .. the trauma bond broke .. once and for all as I realized it was her disorder all along and not mine

Good luck with therapy! Videos like this help so much. Even well-intended good therapists are not really aware of how bad it really is from what you tell them. 3 years into therapy I showed my therapist videos of the way I was treated nearly daily. She didn't realize how bad it was from my telling her but was visibly shaken from just watching 8 minutes! She explained she got a much better picture of what had been happening from the videos.

Yah, forget therapy. It is really bad when you are in it. They just don't get it. Don't waste your time.

Heidi Aguilar no, it’s important to clarify.....

@@Bridgton1 aside from EMDR therapy I get from my doctor for the trauma, I'm also benefiting from a domestic violence women's group weekly, and individual therapy with counselor there who has been really instrumental also helping me understand that this really was about my ex having a need for control and that it really was abuse. Videos like this one from Dr C are absolutely essential as well for not getting entangled and knowing how to disconnect when it happens in the future from others

Gillian I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband is similar too. The gas lighting is awful. I was told I don't help enough with the yardwork, when at the time I was actually picking up sticks out of the yard after a storm. Not only do they have blinders on, but they want to push buttons. I was helping and I help alot. They never see it.

Gillian G you are NOT a big dummy! Quit thinking that way. They are just excellent actors who get lots of stage time. It’s not you-it’s them!

Omg! My Mom used to throw out books of mine and once she gave my frog collection away to a narc cousin of mine who never even thanked me! Disgusting.

Gillian G mine will just straight up talk over me and continue to speak louder and louder until I stop talking. I can’t even get a sentence out if I confront or disagree with him on ANYTHING. He’s got everything figured out and he’s never wrong apparently and if I did everything his way I wouldn’t have any problems in life. I’m like, you are my problem. Literally my only problem. Anything else I could figure out. You are the problem! Can’t share anything you’re dealing with with him without getting a lecture and unsolicited professional course of action to deal with whatever I’m trying to just tell him about. 9/10 I wasn’t wanting advice, I’m just looking to have my feelings get acknowledged and just validated. Ahhhhh!!!

Wow every single thing your narc says mine says too! It's crazy! All I want to do is fix our issues but he will absolutely refuse! He will just continue to say all them same things. He will also say that I'm just so hard headed. That I need to seek professional help. That I'm hearing things. He never said that. He never did that. I'm nuts. I need medication. All I ever do it's cause problems. It's the same "crazy making" over and over and over.

They do turn to religion, mine did but they soon get on Every body's nerves from being a nice person (fake) and get found out in the end because they can't keep the pretence up anymore, they start to crack and burn bridges every where they go too.

Amen to that! Life can be beautiful once again!

Yes, agreed!! Me too! Knowledge is power, and brings mental clarity, peace and gives us options for our future direction in life!!

I can apply your last sentence to my father. :( Hope things are better for you now.

my desire mine hasn’t asked me once how I’ve been dealing with my fathers death since he passed away. Hasn’t even brought him up at all, just like he never existed to him. He was actually blowing up my phone calling me a whore/accusing of cheating when I literally drove six hours to be home with my dad when he passed away. My phone was blowing up when I felt my dads last heartbeat. When I told him he passed, he texted “okay, I’m sorry for your loss”. And that was it. Told me I shouldn’t cry and I should be happy for my dad bc it would be selfish of me to want him here and not in heaven when we were at the funeral. So I had to keep myself from crying at his funeral bc he had my head so warped that I felt like I was being selfish for being sad, so kept it to myself. Ugh they’re so disgusting.

I don't, know...show some empathy? Dr. C

Kee McGee I completely understand. My ex loved to say things like, “Sounds like you want me to coddle you”; “I can’t/won’t be your therapist”; “If you can’t handle life, that’s your problem.” Eventually you just hold everything inside. Hope you’re doing alright. ❤️

I used to get, can we just eat. You’re giving us (the royal us/we) a stomach ache. This was after listening to lengthy angry tirades about why this dish was out here and not there. One particular instance was when I was relating someone running into the back of my car on the way home from work that day. Zero self awareness with narcs

@@AwesomeEsque I heard that too. Couldn’t believe it.