“Before you diagnose yourself as depressed. Make sure that you have not been surrounded by a bunch of assholes” This has become my favorite quote and I’m now consciously aware that it’s probably NOT ME!
A great quote, Imo by Freud, not by William Gibson.(narc) I'm not a fan of Freuds work but from my life experience it's true. The persons suffering from serious depression or burn-out were married with a narcissist. Toxic, manipulative, suppressive people, spaces, work, companies make you feel 'tired', drain your energy etc.Feels so good to be aware and get them out of your life!
@@annekerotterdam7499 I mean you can be surrounded by this kind of people and because of them get depressed but this fact doesn't invalidate your depression
Hi Dr Ramani, I just wanted to let you know that discovering your channel saved me. I finally got the courage last week to leave my 8.5 year relationship with a covert narcissist
My divorce after 33 years married to a narcissist was final yesterday! I left him 2 months ago. The healing process has been like a daily Rollercoaster ride. At first it was hourly up & downs! The most difficult part of the relationships with people like this is having the courage to leave! WE DID THAT!!! I wish you the best on your healing journey 🙏
2:30 justification 3:50 believing the future faking 5:16 keep having same fight repeatedly 6:36 fantasy thinking about trauma bonded partner 7:41 fear of leaving 8:39 becoming one-stop shop for partner 9:45 hiding feelings and needs 11:15 rationalizing or hiding the relationship from other people
Thank you! I was looking for specifically this. Going into a one on one therapy session tomorrow and can't listen again right now to take my notes because I'm in a shared space.
Right. My ex narc would say: “I just want to be left alone ” at that point he didn’t need or want anything from me but when he did the cycle would begin once again and so did the love bombing
Yes. My husband will hide away in the bedroom. I for the longest longest time thought it was because it was because of me or he was hiding from the kids. But now know it is because he is not getting something from us. He will emerge and find something negative to fixate on.
I hid and defended his bad behaviors so much.... Painting a pretty picture of what we really had so much that when the smear came in come along I look like a liar. It didn't help that he pretended to profess undying love the whole time you smeared me and was destroying me. You hit the nail on the head with this video
IBS, migraines, weight changes, panic attacks and endless crying ... your body knows this is unhealthy for you. Get out. Stay safe. Take medication if you need to, definitely find a trauma counselor and be kind to yourself. It probably took years if not decades to find yourself here so it will take time to find yourself again. Wishing y’all the best.
You're so right! I developed a very serious illness and he wasn't there for me at all. Now I'm 100% better and know it was the stress from him that caused it.
I never hid my feelings so it was always a cycle of hurt. He would gaslight me and tell me I was too sensitive and emotional, when in reality I was just responding to his abuse.
EXACTLY WHY I LEFT!!! Just got out of an almost two yr relationship and every time I brought up our issues/problems it was always me! I was the one who was too sensitive and over emotional, he's my 'rock'. It made me feel like I was insane!! Im so glad I'm not alone!!
Same here but I couldn't leave I ended distancing myself and he finished us 2 weeks ago I feel lost I depended on him so much I realise how much of my life had been taken over I am free now getting there slowly
Same. If someone tells you nasty things and then calls you a crybaby... If someone comes to you angry about something that wasn’t your fault, and then when you are angry because of being blamed for the thing that was not your fault the person is more angry than you because he thinks you weren’t supposed to be angry... When someone is upset, and then is more upset because you aren’t as upset as they are... You really don’t know if you are coming or going!
This is exactly what I experienced after my ex left me. When I hit a bump in the road of my life shortly after that, I felt a distinct sense of relief that I didn’t also have to deal with his response to my struggle. That told me a lot… Although more than a year later, I’m still trying to make sense of the toxic patterns in that relationship..
I would agree that Dr Ramani has saved my life. I am now understanding more about my covert narcissist husband. I am getting the clarity I so needed , to deal with all the insanity of what has gone on for 40 or more years. Thank you so much. Please keep these videos going. They are life changing.
To everyone here: You are strong! You are capable! You are worthy! You are enough! You are beautiful! You will be alright! You deserve to be happy! You deserve to be loved in a healthy way! Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs 🍀⭐💐✨💖
It was like I had a debt with narciccist and I could never pay that debt ,because I never knew how much I owed the narciccist for the relationship .And that debt was with emotions , time , and energy .
“What if I’m wrong?” has weighed heavily in my mind since early childhood, knowing things weren’t right but feeling unable to see the bigger picture and believing invalidation meant love. If someone takes the time and effort to constantly criticise and judge you it means they care, right? No, It robs you of your confidence and identity.
Reading this hurts my heart for you. If you are here...watching these videos....chances are you are right. Take all the time you need to make the right decision for you.
@@emmalee7284 Thank you for your kind words. Dr Ramani’s videos are incredible in helping piece together a very tangled, complex issue. Also the chance to share with others. Wishing you the very best, take care 😊
Yeah. As a child you think it's normal, and you take that out into the world. I hope you can heal these wounds. They've take your past; they don't deserve your future.
@Suzanne Henderson ❤️❤️❤️thank you for this comment. I am constantly struggling with confidence issues because I grew up thinking like this. Even now as I am learning to grow out of it, it always comes back and I find myself having the same question all the time. That maybe I am the problem and I cannot see it or I do not want to see it. I always seem to find myself experiencing the same questions especially when I think I have made a step forward in gaining more confidence.
Another disturbing tactic a narcissist uses to trap you, apart from fear of the unknown, is this: The moment you start catching on about their toxicity, they flip sides and start love-bombing you again like in the beginning of your friendship/relationship. And they are very capable of flipping this switch extremely instantaneously. It leaves you gasping for breath in the chaotic confusion.
In my case after I let her know about my concerns that we hardly were talking and that I wanted to get closure and move on, she would only say what a good friend she is and always has her arms open for me but in reality she would act worse in her toxic patterns, more neglect, more lies and even spread negative information about me to people and friends to make herself look like the caring good person
So disgusting! Ever since my husband has been served with papers he is super dad, always nice, always around with a smile on face, after being absent and a screaming yelling abusive human for months neglecting me and our kids to be “left alone” crazzzyyyy
1- Justification 2- Future faking 3- Repetition compulsion 4- Mystical magical thinking of the trauma bonded partner 5- Fear of leaving 6- Becoming a one-stop shop for your partner 7- Hiding your feelings and needs 8- Rationalising the relationship to other people or hiding the patterns
I don't see how number 6 is so much a bad thing???? As a man anyway. My legit understanding of it was "as a man you're supposed to be all things." I'm wondering now to what foundational level I have flawed thinking an assumptions.
@@pandemicneetbux2110For the last two months, I couldn’t work as I am a substitute teacher, and it was summer. So I decided to clean the kitchen. I kept the dishes up and the trash and the fridge and the counters looking nice. Before I got married my mom did most of the the housework, so I drove everywhere doing errands for her when I wasn’t working. Hour long distances. They said my brothers drove an hour two, but there’s was 30 minutes one way. Mine was 1 hour one way. So anyway, nothing I have done for my mom or my husband has pleased them. I got sick last week and couldn’t work, and my husband let me know that I didn’t work for the whole month of September as well, as he was hammering frozen fruit before putting it in a blender. When I asked him why he did such a thing as to wake me up, he said,” go to bed!” So now I have to go to work even though I am sick, because he is so toxic that I can’t stay home. That’s what it means to be a personal assistant but,in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
@@pandemicneetbux2110This video is about how an abused person may feel in a trauma- bonded (abusive) relationship. Feeling you need to be a one stop shop to fulfill your abusers needs is very unhealthy, it doesn't promote an healthy, balanced life. I imagine an abused person in this situation may be living their life walking on eggshells. In a non-abusive relationship this would be very different.
One big lesson I have learned from a narcissistic relationship is, that people might hurt me on purpose. It could be their goal, to make me feel bad. It could be their goal, to retraumatize me. I hadn't known that. I assumed, that people would hurt me by accident, as a negative byproduct of their absence of knowledge. My cluelessness about this, made me love unconditionally. Unconditional love kept me in the relationship for too long. Unconditional love is not always a noble goal. It can be self-destructive. Maybe unconditional love is something, that I didn't have, when I deserved it. It could be why I wanted to bring it into this world, by spreading it myself.
After I got a anxiety attack during a verbal fight, I was told that he wanted to see how much hurt I could take, and he confirmed that I could not take much! On that condition of breathless ness and grasping to the air from my mouth, I was told that don't breath like this! Like I was doing it intentionally. I did not know a single term about gaslighting or narcissistic relationship, but my whole body and mind was just started to reject him after that incident. I was still with him feeling stuck, fighting back my rebellious mind more than one year after that incident until next incident happened which completely put me into trauma and I had to leave to save my life. And these all happen while being in another country far away from my family. During this 6 year long marriage there was no physical abuse. But I had no idea that emotional abuse is a thing. And the continuous stress has a real impact on your body as well. Yes I was also looking for unconditional Love!
Loving unconditionally. Seeing the best in ppl. And being extremely empathic. All good qualities that a narcissist uses against us. I’ve been so mistreated. And he’s tried to convince me I am so beyond repair that nobody could love me. That I deserved all the abuse. And that I was the abuser. My mind has been so messed with..
Some people give "standard advice" that you should keep your relationship issues within the relationship, because if you share bad things your spouse does, then your friends and family may lose respect for your spouse. I believe that a narcissist abuser created and perpetuates that advice.
I always felt that way. Until after I was divorced from him. He was saying bad things about me all along. All lies, and people were wondering how long it would be before I left him. They knew, about his cheating, and no one ever told me. Then I found out, and they said they wondered how long it would take me to leave. So sad.
@@caligirl1002 How funny. Me too. After I left, several friends disclosed that he had been cheating for years. But they didn't feel like it was their place to tell me before I left.
Yes, the narcissist is afraid to lose control. I told my family and friends of his cheating and he became very upset with me. He told me this should only stay between you and I. Personally, I didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time, but I told my family because I felt so lost and I needed them to be my support and reality check. I was experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance.
Remember though, that the thing humans fear ...above ALL other things, eeven more than pain (in all its forms) is...CHANGE We will tend to recreate the home we were raised in. If that was stable and happy we will yearn for that. But if it was chaotic, abusive or unhealthy in any other way, we subconsciously will also attempt to create that. If the only people you've ever seen in your life that connected *(and that might be your mom and your grandmother or your dad and your mom or your dad and your sister .. families are tricky things) fought all the time, and exhibited unhealthy behavior..... You don't know any other way 🤷🏻♀️ That seems like black and white to you but to the rest of us? What does normal mean what does healthy mean and what are the rules of life??? I caught glimpses of "healthy" on the rare occasion that I was let out of my prison to go spend the night somewhere with a "friend' but that's not enough. It's what you're immersed in It's what you are a part of It's what you live in your family unit. Whether that's blood or water shack or Mansion. If you don't know the difference between what's healthy and what's unhealthy and what's right and what's wrong and what's black and what's right then That's when the person becomes putty in a narcissist's hands THE SAD THING IS HOW FAMILIAR THAT FEELING IS. IF YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO A NARCISSIST IN THE ROLLER COASTER LOVE BOMB / ABUSE RELATIONSHIP THAT BRINGS... YES THE TRAUMA BOND.... THE CHANCES ARE VERY GOOD THAT YOU WERE RAISED BY ONE OR MORE. 2:53
My ex narcissistic boyfriend will never have any "normal" relationships, never be happy (misery loves company), will always be angry and abusive. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired so I walked away several months ago after watching just a couple of Dr. Ramani's videos. The information finally reached my brain. Thank you Dr. R for making me understand that I matter and I'm enough.
The frightening thing is that once you become fully aware of narcissistic abuse and understand the ramifications you can't go back to not seeing it. You can't look at your narcissistic partner the way you used to before. They say Ignorance is bliss this is exactly it, because all I see now is someone that is not well and in need of help. That's the only way I can make it through the day.
A good modern proverb that would be interesting to get your take on - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" - Dr. Maya Angelou
“Toxic personalities are really rigid and do not change”. As a trauma bonded victim of narcissistic abuse, I sincerely thank you Dr Ramani for explaining this. I can travel a little farther on my path to healing now❤️🌸
Very true. I was able to leave only when I saw clearly that he didn't believe there was anything wrong with his behavior and therefore very highly unlikely to improve. As Slipknot's Snuff says "It took the death of hope to let you go"...
...and you'll continue to satisfy your own desires as well. Being single and alone is way better than being in a relationship where you have to do all of the work, but get none of the benefits of being in a relationship.
“They will never be happy “. The most powerful statement. Trying to please my highly critical and negative father, my 82 year old extremely demanding mother, and my ex husband was exhausting. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with holes, and meeting a goal when they keep shifting the goalposts. All three are covert narcs who refuse to be happy. You lose yourself trying to help them, and depression sets in. I’m now walking away from all that and life is so much better.
Life with covert husband is so hard I wish u Luck for your healing and journey finally after 4 years I divorced my covert narcs husband 2 month ago and It still hurts but I feel little better
@@lali5067 Right on. I think it was year 5 after divorce...one day I was cleaning something in my daughter's room, and all of a sudden I say my divorce papers in my mind's eye, and the words THAT WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE! jumped into my ears! That was 40+ years ago, and I remember it like yesterday. It felt great, and it kept feeling good.
The most frustrating part of this journey is the low key drama as I try to get emotionally healthy and break the chainsof my trauma bond, so as to eventually leave this relationship. Now, my husband tries to act as if I'm the narcissist because I've become more distant. But I've become more distant in order to save my own sanity. Gone is a girl that rushed to the door to greet him while he scowled at me and slammed the door. Or the girl that he left alone in the hospital after the birth of his children. This is the same guy who told me that wasn't it enough that he told me he loves me during sex, why did he have to do with outside the bedroom? 14 years and I'm finally trying to find myself, my own voice and now he acts as if I'm the narcissist, sending me articles and things on how to better our relationship... it's infuriating but I'm going gray rock, chanting mantras, keeping my cool for my children and eventually I will be out of here.
I fear and feel this. I became distant to get out of my current relationship for my own sanity and I fear of her thinking that I'm a narcissist or something, or just generally toxic. I felt like she implied pretty much during our last conversation. But I just had to get out for my sanity. And she actually did send me a picture about communication. I was like "It's gotten past that point" I said that in my head as I didn't respond, I didn't want to get sucked back in. Even now #5 is in my head, thinking "What if I'm wrong?"
I thought, that I was responsible for my own happiness. Whenever he treated me badly, I only asked myself: "Am I happy with myself? How do I want to react the next time, he behaves like that?" I didn't ask myself, what he should change. I only asked myself, how I can be myself, despite his behaviour. After the relationship, I realised, that I wanted to change this about myself. The question shoud not be anymore: "How can I be happy, despite him?" I want to be with someone, who even nourishes my positive charasteristics.
Life should be about thriving, not just existing. You have the right to a relationship that nourishes your soul. I wish you every happiness for the future. 🌟
@@sophiafreewoman3352 So familiar. I always thought I was being so psychologically healthy by only focusing on myself and what I could change. The thought of leaving the relationship was so foreign that I never even considered it, despite being extremely depressed, anxious, and angry for most of our relationship.
Ugh- being “punished” with emotional distancing and rejection for having legitimate wants and needs is one of the most painful parts of these kinds of relationships. Believing the lie that you have no right to have wants and needs. Also the point about not sharing what’s really happening in the relationship... I even felt shame because I felt that I was bringing the treatment on myself somehow, so I didn’t want to share what was really going on. This messes with our perception of reality because we’re trained to use words like “good” and “fine” to describe things that are NOT good or fine.
As an introvert, the worst part was them approaching me constantly and not giving me space to think. I was grateful when they would try to give me the silent treatment. It was much needed quiet so I could finally halfway chill out. It never lasted long enough though so we had to kick them out.
very true: This messes with our perception of reality because we’re trained to use words like “good” and “fine” to describe things that are NOT good or fine.
This was my entire relationship with a covert narc: Learning to shut down and not talking about feelings or communicating because it creates conflict. Narc: "you're cold and distant. You can't communicate." He even bought me a book on communication as a 'joke'. I started to believe him. Spending an entire day of peace with him - I cooked dinner, made cocktails, put a movie on, music on, etc... give give and give. Narc: lies in my bed at the end of the night "I don't feel close to you." That paralyzed me so bad. Got back together with the Narc under the promise that he would go to therapy. He went 3 times and never again. Apparently that got to him because he told me to go to therapy 5 months later. I rang him to ask if he was watching the beautiful lunar eclipse and he said "you need to go to therapy. I can't deal with your feelings. I don't like it." I got so upset but not over the mention of therapy, over the fact that he didn't care enough to address this with me face-to-face with love and empathy. Instead, he made it about himself. My pain, feelings or emotions were ALWAYS an inconvenience. He would tell me that he wanted me to "open up" more, and I never felt safe enough to do so. And the occasional moments I did, I received no support, only him playing the victim and making it about himself. One time he looked me dead in the eye after hearing my feelings and said "do you think you're bi polar? You might be. Oh, God, I'm terrified of you now." For the last month, I was waiting for him to break up with me as I didn't think I could do it again. Watching him break down and use tears and playing the victim would have made me explode with frustration, which is what he did the first time I broke up with him. I was waiting to be discarded, and my asking for a night (space) to myself was the tipping point. He broke up with me the next day. Funny, because he always said "if you ever need space baby you just gotta send me a message and I'll respect it." He was also OBSESSED with being NEEDED and I couldn't fathom why. "I don't need you to cook me dinner, but I want you to and appreciate and love it when you do." Is what I would say to him and he didn't like it. I realise now that was him trying to have me rely on him completely - tethering myself to him so that he had more control and could isolate me from my support group. When I would confront his cold ways of addressing me: like telling me to go to therapy over the phone, he would reply with "I thought you like cold. You're cold. I was just interacting with you the way I thought you wanted. Isn't this what you wanted?" That messed with my head big time... I'm lucky it was only 6 months, I'm lucky I didn't give this man my youth. I won't let this experience make me hard to the world, I will remain soft, loving and trusting of good people and men. I refuse to let this narc make me believe things about myself that I know is untrue. I am a survivor and a thriver, and now I'm a shit ton wiser.
Learn the patterns. Know them well. See them. Flee them. Run. Away. She is too subtle to say it perhaps dye to licensing issues, but I have no licensing. You now understand the fact that THEY. can not will not change therefore we must change... Locations... Proximities... By fleeing .. run away... And by flee I mean tip toe out of their lives carefully. Do not be in the home packing up - send a crew with policia escorts to pack up and move your place after informing your local police.
The narc gets you to react so that they can (literally) siphon your energy. Good reaction, negative reaction...Any reaction will do. As long as you react, they're in. The guy I left used to leave me if we were out in public, looking for women to "approve of him" which meant he was looking for people to open to him so that he could vampire their energy. That's how they operate. Even hooked into people over the phone. He'd get all excited speaking to any female on the other end. He got excited over trampy women at gas stations, underage girls at restaurants, the girl or woman at the drive-through window, receptionists at the Drs. office, the mail person, other men's wives, other men's daughters, basically, anything with a pulse. Now it almost seems funny (because I left), but at the time I was watching it, it was literally living with a lunatic. They have almost zero insight into their behavior...justify their crazy, think they are the best...because they are heavily deluded and literally taken by demons. Read "People of the Lie," by M. Scott Peck, if you are a brave person.
@@eagleeye2300 I think it's the supply they need it's like oxygen to them and literally can't breathe without it. Yours gets stale and clogged and runs out of the energy so in order to stay alive they will go to the nearest gas station to fill up. I mean if your tank is on empty do you care what the gas station looks like. No. The nearest one is perfect and your excited to find it because you need to keep going or the car will stall. It's the same. I think you maybe right about being taken by some dark force that literally hypnosis you. It's probably what the vampire movies are based off of. I never in my life could bieleve they are true. It's not blood but energy. I wish you all the blessings and light energy for your days to come. We have discernment now so once the light goes on don't turn it off
I needed to hear this. 26 years married to a narcissist who literally trapped me in a deep rural area with no access to money or a vehicle. All these points play into it. I'm looking for a way out, finally.
I have been there. Don't look, just do it. The time will never ever be ideal or right. Get out while you can and look back later. Look forwards for now. You are being held prisoner. Plan your escape quietly and then escape. Waiting is just playing into his hands.
You can do it. Since you put up with all of this for so many years.. that means you are incredibly strong! You have the power inside you, it was just hidden or the narcissist sucked it out of you... But you can do it! 🙏🙏♥️♥️🙏🙏
2 years ago I was struggling with a narcissist and I was sent a video from a friend telling me to watch you. 2 years into watching all these videos from you and am constantly blown away 😳 It's as if you know my story line for line which tells me my relationship indeed was a cycle of abuse. I attribute alot of my strength 💪 to you for helping me stop the cycle. Now divorced and coping with a narcissist as an ex is still difficult but life is soooooo much better. I wake up with a smile and my kids have a happier mom. I thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤ for sharing these videos to help us all through it. 🙏 To those reading this....stay strong, take control!
I've been going through the comments and found this. I have a narcissistic husband and staying in this relationship for four years only for my child. People tell me it's better for her to have both parents than just one. I'm not able to tell which is better. I would really like to know your advise. ❤️
@@bluiz4109 Ultimately, I feel like my kids and I are healthier. Not just mentally, but physically and emotionally. We were all drained daily, stressed, and walking on eggshells. Now... their dad is happier, I am happier, and we have both found love and are in healthier relationships. I can't give advice since I don't completely know your situation. However, I can happily say that my kids tease me about how cute me and my boyfriend are together and tell me they have never seen me like this before. It's sad... I want my kids to know what love looks like, and I wish their dad and I could have been a better example of that, but...we weren't. We were an example of what a toxic relationship looks like and what a submissive abused wife looks like...and for that....I am sad that they saw that...but I'm glad at this point I'm so happy I'm showing them a better example of a healthy, loving, and supportive relationship and what it looks like. Lots of peoples words made me stay for YEARS longer than than I should have. My advice if anything....is to ignore what others say, follow your heart.
@@bluiz4109 from a family with a narcissistic dad, who used to work abroad for the first 7 years of my life. I wished he'd stay there 😔 life was good with just mom. He ruined the mood constantly, controlled our budget like a scrooge. But afforded himself every luxury. Neglect and occasional physical abuse. Both parents isn't a recipe for a good family but healthy parent(s) is
Nothing you do is ever enough, it's utter torture trying to keep these individuals happy. When you finally reach breaking point you can't even express it because then you're the one being difficult. They engineer situations to keep you in pain and guilt. Sometimes even clearly inventing things , thoughts and events to gaslight you and cover their own tracks and poor behaviours. It's tiring and actually makes you physically unwell.
@@leahflower9924 haha!.. ahh and there is so much more we could say too right.. I try to keep it clean. Feel free to copy / paste wherever you like. lol ♥️
Well said 👏 your comments summed up my experience so well. Going through trauma bonding is excruciating. The emotional pain and hurt could never be understood by anyone who has not been in a relationship with a narcissist. Im walking on eggshells daily. Never speak about my feelings its pointless. I have never ever experienced such psychological abuse in my whole life. I feel broken.
I couldn’t do it anymore. At the end she was like a bottomless pit. I became exhausted. Then everything got turned around on me and I was called the abusive one. It still hurts when I tried to be nothing but kind and loving while I was beaten down and made to feel worthless by my ex. I tried so hard to help her, build her up, encourage her etc. she never did that for me.
Key Points: 1. Justification - a way to break that inconsistent thinking (I want this relationship to last/this person is being cruel to me) so you justify it so you feel ok with it. 2. Believing the future faking - believing the future promises. Also seen when you starting to think about leaving the relationship. People in trauma bonded relationships want to leave, and the toxic person notices and makes future fakes. These become places to hang the justifications on. 3. Keep having the same fight over and over - repetition compulsion with no resolution because the toxic partner has no intention to change. Indicative of the lack of empathy and growth in the toxic partner and the trauma bonded partner is trapped in hope. 4. Mystical magical thinking about the relationship. People may even point out to the trauma bonded person how unhealthy the patterns are, and the trauma bonded person may struggle to give clear reasons about why they stay in the relationship - “I don’t know, its just something about them” - this magical thinking keeps them stuck. 5. Fear of leaving - major theme is that even as the person gets closer to recognizing this is not a healthy relationship, a fear comes over them. What if I’m wrong? After so many years of making justifications and confusions, can drive a fear of going into the unknown. 6. Becoming a one stop shop for your partner - we see the trauma bonded person becoming a one stop shop for their partner and become a personal assistant that does everything for them. You try to be what they want. But what they want can shift daily, and when they suddenly shift on the daily, and are not interested in you, they don’t want to be bothered so you never know when to be on or not. This zeal to be all things can overtake a person in a trauma bonded relationship with the belief that if I do enough for them, they will be happy. But it wont because they wont be capable. 7. Hiding your feelings or needs - this may be the most painful in the trauma bonded relationship, where you do not feel that you can share your feelings, needs, or vulnerabilities. And it is true, you cant share those things without getting hurt. The pattern of hiding these things in a trauma bonded relationship is not about a survival strategy, it is about a self devaluation and a fear of upsetting the toxic partner (walking on eggshells). Holding back needs and feelings is a way of keeping the illusion of the relationship alive. If you decide to stay, you do not get to share your feelings because it is not worth the strife and invalidation. 8. Rationalizing the relationship to others/hiding the patterns - people do not often share what is really happening. They are aware that what is happening is not a good look, but for all the reasons listed, they are caught in a cycle of defending it to themselves, which extends out to the world as well. A trauma bonded person may describe the relationship as good, share the future fakes, or hide the truth. This means many trauma bonded people do not get the support they need since they are offering up a rosy picture and the patterns stay stuck.
Thank you, I’ve just screen shotted your précis. This is all completely true about my 13 year relationship and I’m trying to leave, but even though I know that I STILL can’t give the decisive blow. I’m using all these techniques to hang on. I’m absolutely crazy at this point and my friends are begging me to escape. Aaaarrrggh!
@@Jettypilelegssave your mental health and flee Prepare carefully and get help from safe place... And may the help for you will always come from safe place, so you'll not do " out off the fire and into a frying pan" Good luck
The feeling I remember most is a sick, empty hollowness whether I was alone or with the narcissist. A tiny bit of attention could fill it up, but mostly I survived on the crumbs of attention thrown my way. I'm so glad I broke away from that and know that feeling for what it is. I will never live that way again.
Waking up to patterns is one of the most unsettling feelings, but knowing is better than not. Most of my life, when partners ask, "what's wrong?," I usually just reply, "I'll be fine,." because I know they won't help me with ANY issue.
If you have a partner that asks “what’s wrong” that is good as they sound like a decent person. My husband of 15+ years and 4 kids later has never asked me that. It would bring me to tears just to have it asked.
@@Star_Light_4 I'd typically say yes, it is a good sign, but not the way it's asked, nor what would generally follow had I actually opened my mouth about what's on my mind.
@ Amanda may. I get it now. I can see how that question can be asked in the wrong way and the fear it would bring up in actually answering it honestly.
I just saved this video under a list called "Watch when you feel weak" --because there are times I second-guess my decisions about my relationship-and this video is ALL I need to validate myself... thank you so much Dr Ramani!!!
Another pattern might be for the trauma bonded person to begin to "reverse abuse." The toxic person annoys/accuses/abuses/neglects their partner so much that they become angry and begin to "fight back." The trauma bonded person gets angry as they grow and become aware of what's happening/happened. And, if they're still in a relationship, as the repetitive disagreements happen, that anger can be expressed in unhealthy ways. Then, they feel guilt or remorse for behaving badly. Having A HEART, they apologize. But, the gaslighting, lack of empathy, immaturity or lack of change will provoke those feelings again and again. It's better to remove the toxicity in order to not be infected by it. Because that person IS very rigid and, even if they are growing somewhat, what should be received in a healthy relationship won't be given for a very long time. This is especially important for your children. What are they seeing & hearing everyday? How does it impact them? What patterns will they have to work extra hard not to repeat because of what they witnessed? You are all beautiful. Surround yourselves with healthy people who will encourage and support you with truth, love and grace. You deserve love. You are worthy to be loved. And you are capable of being healthy...living healthy...and loving in a healthy way. Seek counseling from a QUALIFIED therapist if you need help. You can heal and your best days are ahead of you. ❤
Yes, Reactive Abuse Syndrome. In other words, you suffer a nervous breakdown. I ended up behaving like him but bc that was in direct conflict with my values, I also ended up in the cardiac ward for 3 days, an angiogram, & a diagnosis of ‘takotsubo cardiomyopathy,’ aka ‘broken heart syndrome.’ Oh the irony! He told the cardiologist it was his fault. Once we got home, he asked me what I was planning to do about landing myself in the hospital. There are no words.
That was exactly what was happening...all that awful treatment and I started fighting back. Basically if I had a problem with the mistreatment and voiced it then he would be mad at me and have a bad attitude/be mean. Finally it became very clear...I took space for myself and because I did that he thought I was bring a bitch. After that I ended it...still feel the bond though, but did break up with him.
This is EXACTLY what I was going through, he made me feel INSANE & then get mad at me for “overreacting”. I found out about his new supply just yesterday, after he’d been keeping me on the hook & calling me daily saying he’s not with anyone, texting me sweet things & lying about her. I sent him the screenshot of her text to a friend about them being together & then blocked him. I hope I ruined his day, even if just for an hour. I’m so done with his gaslighting, psychotic angry episodes & cheating!!!
The most dangerous part is when you know you’re with a narcissist but your people fail to listen to you and guide you to change yourself and stay thereby making you feel that something is grossly wrong with you only ... I spent my 21 years trying to convince my parents that I’m in a wrong marriage ... the damage is now irreplaceable...
I recognize these patterns! Was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for 8 years! I was constantly making excuses for this person, holding onto the false future, jumping through hoops, unable to have any of my needs validated, constantly reeling from crisis to crisis, too scared to leave, too physically sick to stay. Have recently had contact after 2.5 years...feel the old patterns....me defending and soothing and trying to rescue. Started watching these videos and it is helping me really see what trauma bonding is. I can say I feel like a cult victim.
7 months NC with my ex narcissist, and this entire video still spoke to me; especially the having the same fights over and over again. It was like arguing with an infant. There's only going to be one side, because the other side is incapable of any kind of valid response.
Me too. The same arguments would occur over and over without any resolution. And I could never open up about what I wanted without risking devaluation of my wants and needs.
I feel like this sometimes. But he does make some efforts. If he could just moderately change w/ out massive scenes & blow ups, that'd be great. I dont expect him to be brutally mean to ppl, just less passive & more direct. And to just stop entertaining. Bc if u don't know how other heads operate, its exactly that, entertaining. But if he goes big, he goes big in general. Blows up at management, does loud cutesy proving loyalty things. Chasing after me, doesn't care what other males think... etc. Its not that i dont care at all.. bc even at the disrespect of me, I still dont want him to face consquences he cant change. But then hes back at it again. And I act like he doesn't exist like how I feel he does to me. I dont really manipulate... I guess if I do, im not really aware of it. I tried every route I could think of, damnit. Sometimes I think these type videos can do more damage than help tho. Its like so ure saying alotta ppl r fd and we just shouldn't try at all? Theres no hopeful? Sure I've met good ones. And I do wonder why the f I act so iffy about it. I act iffy about more troubled ones too tho. but I just feel like I relate to em better. Only sometimes I think they'll drag me down more & the lesser ones will control, & everyone's a spoiled brat to an extent. I dont just mean financially either. It just feels like im legitimately that one loner who had to do some roaming completely by her lonesome. And No One I've ever met relates to that at all. But sometimes I look at males and females like maybe the reason y you seem more extreme... & constantly way more upset is bc you still Let your baggage physically linger around you. Me? I just up & leave sh. I dont think anyone's right, me included. I prob could just go run back & get hand outs but f all that. Bc if im trying more, the concern wasn't even there anyways. I feel like others ...idek what to think. Thats their normals, I guess
It wasn’t till I had a child of my own that I realized how bad my parents where. I was 36 when I had my one and only child. It wasn’t for another 10 years I realized just how neglected I was. My father beat me down when I was 15. I was ashamed thought it was my fault. When my son turned 15 I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of. My father was the one that should have been shamed. No me. I hope this helps someone.
Later in his life, my father actually admitted to enjoying beating us down. He thought it was "funny" and then justified it with saying "well i did you a favor -toughen your skin" . Yes, we are free - I am glad for you and your son. Sharing helps healing.
Hi Dr Ramani, You have saved my mind and ultimately my life. 25 years, looking back now, there were multiple poisonings, pedophilia, male sexual abuse and lastly beaten and strangled! I’m free, I’m broken, but I’m trying. Thank you for you.❤️
I too was strangled 6 weeks ago! He was arrested on second degree assault strangulation DV. I’m still in the home and it is my legal residence AND his parents gave him this house and he is wakey in the head! Tried to take the 1 working vehicle we’ve been sharing (again it’s ‘his’ truck) because the car I purchased from his mother died. He’s at his mothers house and has full use of her brand new car so he doesn’t NEED the truck! Taking it would leave me at the house with two large dogs and no transportation. The judge ‘sided’ with me. I hate this! I don’t know if he’s gonna be a complete dick, or commit suicide???? I’m trying so hard to do the ‘right’ thing here… AND…. I AM DONE RUNNING!
8:42 hit me hard! About the trauma-bonded person becoming like a personal assistant, a 'one stop shop' for all their needs. I've been dragged into that over, and over, and over, at the expense of my own life and needs. No more though, no more EVER again! Every time I worry 'what if I am wrong' I remind myself even IF I'm wrong, no contact is essential!
Oh..I'm the ATM money dispenser, appointment keeper, cook, housekeeper, 100% supporter receiving contempt, rudeness, infantile behavior in return. So very sad. Looking for a trauma therapist.
@@whatssolove3798 Stand firm with it honey! I've just had him trying to get back in touch after almost a year with some head games, and had to remind myself not to respond, not to let him drag me back in. That reminder is important ALWAYS, even after you've been no contact for months or years. When they try to get back in contact we mustn't kid ourselves it will be different because it won't. If we give an inch they WILL take a mile...then another mile...and another...until we're left questioning how our healthy boundaries and being assertive didn't work. They won't work on a narc because a narc won't respect them. Our only healthy boundary with a narc is no contact at all. Be strong, you can do this! xx
What can also sometimes get or keep people stuck is when OTHERS assign responsibility to you for that person. "But she needs you!" "Please don't abandon her." etc etc.
It litterally felt like a painful & uncomfortable detox from this person ... but once i was done i didn't look back. Finally the confusion made sense, that person was beyond sick. Not my problem.
Recovery from the 5-year friendship with a woman my age has been like surgery without anesthesia. So much pain wasn't worth the good times. I stuffed my feelings after being lied to, baited, gaslighted and tolerating cruel remarks, I blew. I told her that I didn't give a shit how she felt when she tried to play victim and hung up on her. Thank you for helping me heal. I just hope it doesn't take much longer. Vicki
My husband of 20 years passed a little over four months ago. I have been working to process not only my grief, but also deconstructing our relationship. He was abusive for a long time, and he got help. I thought we had finally arrived at a happy place. I’m starting to understand that had just switched his tactics, and I had just kept doing the same thing I had always done. The thing I had to do with my mom and dad years before. I thought I probably was trauma bonded, but I don’t want to believe it. This video was very helpful in moving me on to the next thing I need to look at. I want to be as healthy as possible moving forward. Thank you.
Wow! Every. Single. One. I'm one year out now and I've learned a lot, but this brings tears to my eyes. This was my life. ALL of it. I can't say enough how grateful I am to be out.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, you just gave a name and a definition to years and years of suffering that almost wiped me out. But not completely, building up one day at a time. You're amazing. Thanks for all your knowledge
Even though he has been very cruel, my mind automatically remembers all the positive when we are on the brink of separation. And I feel bad for him that he cannot change and believe his parents are to blame. This has kept me around for 12 years. Thank you for the life changing knowledge 🙏🙏🙏
Exactly same situation here. I’m still here 26 yrs later.. I want out! No courage to tell him. When I go to tell him he acts so concerned about “us” so I put it off to divorce until the next fight,, 26 yrs later
Make a list of all the bad stuff that happened: big or small. As soon as you’re noticing you only focus on the happy moments this a good anti-dote! Not my idea but dr Ramani’s😊 helped me a lot! Nowadays the bad things come to mind first which is still quite painful but I’m grateful that my mind finally made the shift. Wish you all the best!
It's important to remember that in this life, you are responsible for your happiness. You cannot make someone happy if they are intent on being unhappy or negative. And trying to do so will always be a losing battle.
Yes, my father is this way. Every holiday has to be ruined. Also everytime we go to restaurants if everything isn't perfect he will freak out and want to leave, so extremely embarrassing.
@@gstrathmore194 Same here, I try and avoid going anywhere with him. Its just too stressful and never just an easy thing, always has to be some major problem with him. I love him...but try and avoid outings with him as much as possible.
So true. Such a pity. To anyone experiencing such relationships: ask for help to leave those toxic, ungrateful and unworthy people. It is possible. I hope we all welcome supportive and kind companions from now on. ❤️
I've spent close to six years in a relationship with a Narcissist and never knew a thing about "trauma bonds", now that I do, I've acknowledged, and am on the road to greater understanding, therefore healing. I actually feel powerful..I'm grateful for these videos..Thank you❤
Very difficult cycles to break. It takes time to break them. 1. Justification - signature move. They don’t mean it, they’re stressed, rough childhood bla bla bla 😂🤣. But but but ... 2. Believing the future faking. Many promises made about getting married, getting children, one day ... I’m gonna go for therapy etc 3. Keep having the same fight over and over again with no resolution. No intention of changing. Lack of empathy or growth. No change. 4. Magical thinking about the train bonded partner. It’s just something about him/her ... Giving reason for staying 5. Fear of leaving . What if I’m wrong 😑... confusion. 6. Becoming a one stop shop. Be what they want which shifts on a daily. 7. Hiding my feelings and needs. Involves getting hurt. Self devaluation. Walking on egg shells 🐚 8. Rationalizing the relationship to people. They don’t share what’s really happening . Aware what’s happening is not a good look. Talk about the future faked stuff as if it’s already happened.
I thought, that his hurtful, destructive behaviour, was a lack of people skills and part of his genious. It's hard to admit, that I thought it, because now I can hear how it sounds.
Thank you Dr Ramani ! You saved my common sense ! After 2 years relationship with a " spiritual" narcissist you made my eyes go open wide and saving me from this horrible narcistic disease. You confirmed many many aspects of what was going on in my relationship. I thought he was the man of my life and now because of you it gave me strength to step away. He is making so much effort with love bombing te get me back, it is intens to get out but almost there. Thank you for all your videos ! For your insights and wisdom ! for helping people to see what is really going on ! i can't thank you enough ! Bless your beautiful soul !
This is so on point my ex used to bring up this same stupid argument time and time again with no resolution, in the end I was exasperated. I'm out of this horrid relationshit now. I am at peace, went no contact 3 months ago and I am getting to my old happy self ♥
I wept after listening to this. I haven’t missed many of Dr. Ramani’s excellent videos but this one succinctly described my life experience beginning with an indifferent relationship with my self-absorbed, invalidating father to a lifetime of failed adult romantic relationships. All 8 points applied to me. There is a profound relief and an unburdening that comes with understanding, even if it comes as I approach 60. Thanks again Dr.!
All 8 here. Narcissistic mother. Visiting her in a few weeks ( I live interstate). I am a sensitive autistic woman. She once told me she would destroy me. She nearly did. I am 56 years and I have found Dr Ramani's scholarship on this topic and her beautifully accessible explanations to have again saved my life. What a shining g beacon she is to lead us out of confusion and pain. I cannot express my appreciation strongly enough in words. xxxxxxxx
My country Bulgaria is a former communist country. At that time, children had almost no rights. Almost every parent has physically or at least emotionally abused their children. The worst thing is that this kind of parents are called just strict and not violent. So in Bulgaria, emotional violence is passed down through the generations. The worst thing is that nobody thinks there is something wrong with it. Most people don't have even basic information about mental health and proper parenting. That really breaks my heart.
That's not a specifically communist/socialist issue though. I'm from a post-Soviet country, and although it's the same here, I see at least 2 "flavours" (for lack of a better word) of the issue. The Soviet-bred one is there, sure, but there's also a very distinct kind of Oriental "child owning" where a child is simultaneously treated as an entity that rules don't apply to (basically, because they're "too dumb" to understand rules, but no one would say that outright), and as cattle that belongs to the parents, and its only goal in life is to take care of said parents when they are old. And although I dan't have first hand experience of other cultures, I've heard of numerous other people about very similar experiences in their childhoods in China and India. So... yes, those patterns definitely exist, but I wouldn't call them Communist.
If people only realise that children are loaned to you for a time and not your posession. Although you protect them and care for them with all your heart and soul, they are still their own little individual personalities and human beings... I've always done my very best to listern to what my kids have to say to me and give them guidance, without being authoritarian. I think that's the word you perhaps were looking for. When I was a kids, kids were heard but not seen... Fortunately my parents were not that narrow minded. Today the millennials are entitled. Everything is so upside down. We should raise our kids to be grounded and balanced. Sad world we live in! In South-Africa, the Appartheid state, the ruling church was NG, Dutch Reformed. We were never part of that church so escaped alot of that indoctrinated mentality. It was a blessing. Politics has a huge influence on a country. It's a fact!
I am from a Catholic country and it's not very different there, at least it wasn't for my generation (born in the mid 70s). The father in the family is considered the reflection of the Father in the Heavens, so the children are his, body and soul. And if the father uses authority and sometimes outright violence to assert his authority, the mothers (embodiment of the Virgin Mary) guilt-trip their off-spring until their minds are as solid as pasta sauce.
60 years old and married 36 years to male version of my violent cluster B mother . I just got this fact over last several months ! Better late than never... Thank You for helping me wake up via your dedicated work on this channel .
As they say, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The next best time is NOW. Congrats. You have life ahead of you. Choose better in whatever ways you can.
I found that a lot of people I knew couldn't or wouldn't understand what I was going through. The ones that showed a little empathy towards me showed their true colours when they criticised me and blamed me in some way. These friends I didn't speak to anymore as they made my struggle to recover even harder.
I think it's because 1. The abuser only shows them there good side. 2. There isn't any visible evidence of the abuse. 3. The victim will stay and even cover for the abuser because of the bonding. 4. Most people just aren't educated on trauma bonding. It's that can't live with them can't live without them thing that confuses people. Although I've recently come to realize I was in a trauma bonded relationship for 25 years, even now I struggle to explain it to anyone. Because truth is, before now I couldn't even believe it myself.
First of all, I just want to say it’s comforting to watch your video while you sit in a comfy chair. Makes the video that much more warm. That “soothing” is what I needed today. I walked away for my narcissistic bf yesterday for the (lost count) time. I’ve been recognizing the trauma bonding and future faking to the point I can no longer give my precious energy to this relationship. I’m embarrassed to say I have gone back so many times. The hoovering always begins immediately. Empty promises. But lots of love that wasn’t there before. Thinking...wow! He really loves me, he is changing! Nope...soon back to the devalue stage...and it only gets worse every time, sort of like “punishment”. This time was different, however, as I noticed I had no emotion (gray rock) when we had that conversation. He wanted me to give in to the idea that he did not lie about something that happened recently. Said it was a misunderstanding. I’m usually one to be very open to the fact that I may have made a mistake. Not this time. Though, I did find myself starting to question my thoughts but I recently watch the “Stroop effect” video of yours. Along with many other help videos you’ve shared. Though I find myself a little sad and in grief...I feel less emotion than I’ve felt in the past. I feel “lighter”. I do believe this time is different. Journaling has helped as I have to *remember* how bad I felt in the relationship. So, when those fond memories come back and rumination, I can easily discount them. It was all fake in his fake reality. I finally grew. At 51, I finally *get it*! I’d rather be alone than in that toxic situation. I finally have that self love to give me the power to make this “stick” this time! Thank you for all your help. It has truly changed my life. Praying I stay the course. 🙏❤️
Reading your post sounds like it could be my life too. I hope you can stay strong this time. I hope I can too. I’ve broken up with him so many times I’ve lost count. I’m too embarrassed to even tell my friends about the current drama anymore. I’ve caught him in so many lies and broken promises that I sincerely have no hope left he’ll ever change. I’m praying for you that this is the time you realize nothing will ever be better for long and that you deserve a love where you feel appreciated and valued. Good luck to you.
Erin how are you getting along? I resonated with your story and how often you had been hoovered. I can relate. I hope you are finding the peace and freedom you want.
A form of indoctrination. Yes, that is exactly what it feels like as they slowly break you down and into the relationship style they prefer; which is you constantly trying to please them, and continually focusing on their needs and viewpoints. You will lose yourself. I’m an extremely strong only child that know herself well, and despite all of that, I found it difficult to not loose myself in him.
Took me 7 years of my life. To Learn about this. I blamed myself for years. I was trying hard and the same cycle repeated over and over. Just separated from my fiancé a week ago, and my whole world was falling apart. Thank you for your videos, now I can understand everything better. Even today after watching your videos I can sleep better. Thank you 🙏
“Caught in a cycle of hope.” “Zeal to be all things.” “Hiding your feelings and needs.” “Very effortful.” “Sometimes, with knowledge, you can start changing these patterns.” I’m listening again, re-minding and re-enforcing, hopefully learning right-minded hope. Thanks again.
My firsr ex was very narcissist, abusive physically, mentally and sexuality. I created a trauma bond. I'm still trying to heal from that 14+ years ago.
Are you really out? Just curious... I always felt I was done and out... but then I was never into anything else .. so Fascinating human relationships, they follow patterns but no solutions yet. Happy for anyone whose really Out Out.
"The shame of being from an unhappy family is overwhelming". I just learned (this year) that my youth was filled with neglect and abuse. My best friend used to always gaslight me with this, "Man, your mom got herself together". Now I know he was wrong. I stopped attending school in the 7th grade. I'm amazed at how much this information is changing my mindset. Applying this info takes effort. Grief makes it tougher to think about and use these concepts. Listening to this is like lifting weights: I'm getting stronger.
Number eight is very interesting. I have always wondered by people put the abuser on a pedestal and talk about them like they were a saint even after they had past away. When asked about their life they will never talk about it. I always thought it was a cultural thing of a certain era. It had never dawned on me that SHAME stops people from admitting that they had been abused, that SHAME stops people from admitting that they are unhappy, that SHAME causes people to stay in bad situations.
Yes!! I recently went through the same situation. After separation people at my job said that I look healthier I lost a lot of weight and I even grew my hair back! After talking to my therapist I was told to focus on myself and fill my cup one day at a time and I couldn’t be more happier! Thank you doc!
Another excellent video from Dr. R. She's so compassionate and clear. I find her to be extremely beautiful to watch and listen to as well. Her presence is so calming. She's a gift to so many who can't afford therapy--and to those who have therapists who don't hold a candle to her.
"trauma bonded and toxic relationships are almost a form of indoctrination, like we would see in a cult" (which keep people around). . "by generating fear of what is out there in the great unknown"(8:22). . . "holding back needs and feelings, is a way of keeping the illusion of the relationship alive"(10:30)
I've heard it over and over and over again that people who have been neglected and mistreated in the past seek out trauma in their new relationships, and reject people who are too stable. There has to be something to that , I've heard it too often from many professionals, but I've never felt that way. It doesn't resonate with me. I attracted the same bad relationship / non-relationship over and over and over again. They weren't all narcissists. Some of them I think were just avoidant. But it felt the same every time. They were strong where I was weak. They were not emotionally hungry, did not want or need intimacy. They had plenty of other wounds, but in that area they were whole in a way that I wasn't. I became so attracted to them , and it was always awful, but that was the unexplainable, undefinable something that attracted me to them. Unless it's just something subconscious that I don't realize, I don't crave drama and mistreatment.
Relate to this so much. I am so “proud” of myself for living without being needy because I’ve had to turn it all off. And narcissistic partner is so emotionally not needy outwardly. I don’t have to be his therapist. But in fact the neediness is without bounds and comes out in the narcissism
I’m the same way. Just remember that it takes two. You keep ending up in these relationships. Could it be maybe because there was a lot of chaos in your home growing up? Parents were always fighting? At least that’s how it was for me. I’ve been in therapy for a year and I could see right through him from the beginning but I ignored all the red flags. Because they’re definitely there. I have bpd so I get extremely attached and codependent. I knew I didn’t want to keep looking like a fool so after 6 months I ended my first relationship. I still don’t know how I did it but I did. I thought therapy wasn’t working but it def has been
I used to say " I wish I had a tape recording of this argument. I could just hit play and stop talking ." Really, right to his face. And STILL start at it again. Trauma bonded for sure.
As I have said many times, I get that someone had a tough childhood, I had a tough childhood but it doesn't justify bad and abusive behaviour. I don't disrespect others because of my childhood.
One of the few first peeps here..whoop whoop !🥇😉 On that note, I'm so trauma bonded with my parents and dysfunctional family system. It gets me so exhausting emotionally and mentally. They have abused me in so many ways and pressuring me to marry. This is horrible. They are killing me alive. I am trying my best to move out of here and get out of victim mentality
Just the fact that you're aware of the situation is a huge first step. For me it took a tragic death of a good friend to wake me up. Thankfully I was able to get out of my abusive marriage, then met and married someone who is actually loving and caring. Because of his work we moved across the country from my emotionally abusive family of origin situation. That was almost 40 years ago. Unfortunately I didn't realize the severity of my family's situation until quite recently - the past year or so - but since I have I've been able to let go of a ton of garbage and am finally able to work through some things that have never made sense to me before. Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!
@@Smurgles 🙏❤️ Much thanks for sharing your story and experience. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. For me it was the loss of my two favorite dear cats that I loved more than anyone, and my mom started blaming me that I was unlucky which is why they didn't last. It was a huge wake up call for me and also her repeated toxic words and pattern has got me exhausted enough. We are stronger than we believe and loving than we think. Just swim through new waters of life and the dirt shall fade away. We will do this ! Our Bitter experiences only make us better. 🙏 Once again thanks ! I will not give up. So should you ! :) We are In this together 🙏
Cycle of Hope. What a great description. Every day l told myself it was going to be different, it would get better, l wouldn't need to apologise for him/ about him. It will be a good day. It will be a great day. He will be nice. He will have changed. He will keep his promises. He will give. He will stop just taking. No. In the end he just dumped me. I got it all SO WRONG. I kept believing him.
Thank you for making and posting these videos. Yes! I was sexually abused by my grandfather and didn’t tell anyone. I stayed married to a vulnerable covert narcissist for 15 years. When I finally couldn’t take the abuse I said what happened to me as a little girl and it was like a veil was lifted I could see the abusive marriage I was in. But that trauma bond is weird It still took me 2 years to leave my abusive husband. Now that I’m out I can see how abusive he was. I am learning so much about grooming for abuse and red flags, having boundaries and more. Thank you so much ❤️
My family resembled a cult under my narc father's rule. All my life he would repeat mantras to me during his monologues. On top of this he uses catastrophic thinking when describing the world to keep me fearful and easy to manipulate. His favourite mantra's included "Family is the most important relationship you will every have." "You can choose your friends but not your family." "Family loyalty is very important." and "Blood is thicker than water." I was trauma bonded to my father for 40 odd years. The line was crossed when he started on my kids. I am 45 now and am almost out of the cult. I smile and wave biding my time.
@Marc Wilson I was afraid after reading your narrative and imagining what it must have been like these past 45 years. I'm GLAD you were able to ESCAPE❗Thanks for sharing. 😮😕😥😭🙂🥰
When I told my Mom I was going to be moving possibly out of the Country she immediately said "I guess your Niece and Nephew will just grow up with out a Father figure" It's crazy It's like put on hold your chance at happiness because family. I want support for once I feel like I deserve it.
Could you make a video on healing from a neglectful narcissist? It's just such a unique circumstance and I can't find any useful resources on the topic
I have had two of them. It is a weird thing to deal with. They have all the narc patterns but mostly whithout words or even presence. But always uncomfortable...
Try Nicole la Pera’s book ‘How to do the Work’ and her Holistic Therapist RU-vid videos which break down the ‘how to heal’ process. She is a psychotherapist and has developed her healing program from her own personal experiences and is very open about it.
Hi Dr.Ramani, it’s my birthday today and my narc ex who has been texting me everyday since we broke up didn’t text me today(so of course he didn’t wish me happy birthday). I think cause he knows I care about my birthday so he intended to hurt me like this. I’m so glad I ended this relationship with him and knows that he won’t change no matter what. He hurt me when we were together and he still tries to hurt me even we already broke up 😢
Especially when your Narc parent was the only one who helped in financial ways every time you dealt with other toxic people, it gets scary to move on all alone.
Could it be a vicious cycle? While the narc parent is in your life, you find yourself in other toxic relationships, that narc parent can 'save' you from, which sustains their hold on you, which creates further confusion, which makes you vulnerable to more toxic relationships, that the narc parent can 'save' you from... Maybe the chain can be broken by removing the ONE toxic person consistent to all links in that chain? Maybe once THAT negative, confusing influence is gone you will be better able to build good relationships and a support system of friends? xx
@@jilross4892 It's really hard to break ties when it's family members. I eventually broke free of my mother about 15 years ago and struggled for a long time with doubt and fear I was a bad person for it. A few years ago I realised the same was necessary with my sister, which in many ways was even harder, after all we'd helped each other escape mum! Then just this year the blinkers came off in regard to my brother. This has been easier and harder for different reasons. It is easier because I've been here before and can see what's going on with more clarity, but harder because he is the last of my childhood family left, my only 'family support'. I started to look at the things I gave him credit for and have been horrified to see they were situations HE influenced in the first place! He was doing EXACTLY what my mum used to do! It's really hard and confusing and emotional. I wouldn't be surprised if with a little scratching of the surface you also find your narc parent has been influential in the toxic relationships you have 'needed' saving from! I'm not saying you definitely will, just that I was shocked when I did because I hadn't seen it before. I hope this helps! Keep watching Dr Ramani's videos, they will help so much! :)
Keep in mind that they want to keep you infantlized . If your relationship had healthy ,they would have tried to destroy it. I finally saw my mother’s help for what it was . She didn’t want me to be independent and would abuse me emotionally if I had an independent thought in my head . Even something as innocuous as having a different perspective on a movie or work of art brought out the insults and public humiliation . She wasn’t knowledgeable about any of the arts . It’s just that I disagreed with her. Unfortunately I liked to draw , dance and create . She’d sneak into my room and destroy my work . Claiming to others that she cleaned up my mess. I wasn’t sloppy and I had stored this stuff neatly away . She would also destroy and discard clothing I purchased . She had to buy my clothes and they never fit . She never helped me clean my room when id ask for help. And if she knew I liked something she’d purchased for me I couldn’t keep it long. I never felt safe because of the hypercritical demeaning behavior and the destructive way she treated my possessions . I began to realize that she was doing it on purpose while I was a teenybopper. That egg donor used to like hurting me.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. In my experience, number 4, mystical, magical thinking is that your recreated childhood dramas will be healed when you and the toxic partner heal. The day you realize there was nothing there for you with your toxic parent(s) and nothing there for you with this toxic partner, is the day you realize you can give it to yourself and let go of trying to FIX it. You give yourself all the love, care, fun, attention, respect, validation, empathy and compassion that those people could never give.
