A Covert Narcissist's Long Game 

I left my covert narcissist husband I was with from 19 to 57. He presented himself as a shy quiet nice guy. He was not. It was slow abuse. I was always upset always confused. He controlled everything. Fast forward to now.. I have a beautiful apartment and peace. I made it out

Someone said "The people going to counseling are there - because the ones who should be there don't go".

The worst part about being with the narcissist is that you almost have to become a narcissist to get over them. It is such a horrible way to live

"Consistently inconsistent, reliably unreliable" is the best summary for covert narcissists💯🎯Most dangerous type of narcissism is exactly covert. They are kings/queens of dramas and extremely professional in shame-shifting, blame-shifting and any other kind of traps. It may be impossible to recognize them during a lifetime.Thanks for your precious efforts and contributions Dr. Carter 🙏🏻❤

My covert narcissistic ex husband actually admitted to his behaviours (stonewalling, gaslighting, lying, passive aggression) during a therapy session during our separation, but didn’t apologize or take responsibility for the behaviour or the impact on me, and by the end of the session was blaming me for everything again. The therapist found this interesting and I found her perspective helpful! She said intellectually he takes responsibility for these things because he knows that’s what he’s supposed to do, but it’s like there is a disconnect, and he doesn’t have the capacity to take responsibility genuinely on an emotional level - to admit his faults would threaten his sense of reality and self; he needs to remain blameless.

covert, narcissistic abuse ... one of the things that make it so difficult to deal with is that no one wants to believe you about what you're going through

It took decades before I realised that my dad wasn't the opposite of my egotistical, toxic mom. He was just the calmer, slyer, smarter, more quiet version of her....

The thing about covert narcs is how after years together, they don't care about you at all. At the end of a 4 year relationship you realize you were just a warm body filling up a space for them in their emptiness. It's soul-crushing. That's why being with a narc is so destructive emotionally, it's not all of the abuse, it's that you never mattered to them at all.

Shy, quiet, unassuming. My family thought he was such a good guy. When it was just us he was cold, envious of other people, sulky, unresponsive, and low energy. I became physically ill from his lies, coldness, and underhanded manipulation of everything. Run from the cover narcissist. They should come with a warning label

Unfortunately, I am married to a covert narcissist and what you described is EXACTLY what I have been experiencing. Your videos have helped me so much to see right through the game and to read between the LIES. I am strategically trying to find my way out of this toxic situation for it is not a real marriage the way God intended a marriage to be and I KNOW it. I have learned the painful lessons and want nothing more but to move on with my life. To his friends and family he is this great guy. But behind closed doors he is a heartless, cold, mean, selfish, unkind, condescending, arrogant disrespectful, and a professional liar, who could not care less how he makes a woman feels.

To us, it's life. To the narcissist, it's a game. Knowledge is power. Thank you Dr. Carter, you are helping to save lives.

I never felt controlled or manipulated until one day I just woke up and thought.... everything I am doing is for him and there's nothing coming back... he did it so cleverly that I didn't realize it was happening... all of my efforts were to make him happy... because they always seem sad... dejected..off somehow... everyone wants to come to their aid... Meanwhile they are gutting all your sources of support... friendships.. family.. anyone... they want it all for themselves... it's awful.. suddenly you don't know who you are anymore... feel like no one likes you when before people always liked you... its so ugly

I unfortunately have my own narcissistic behavior and dated a girl for 3 years who was also a covert narcissist. I became self aware of my narcissism from observing her. I began to try to better myself and tried to get her to improve as well. She dug her heels in the sand so I had to leave. I am still working on myself but I am thankful for becoming aware of my issues.

It’s amazing how Machiavellian these people can be without ever reading a book on the subject.

I had a hard time forgiving myself for falling for that person.

I wasted over forty years of my life with a narcissitic husband before I just gave up and left; They give out mixed messages, they pretend to care about you, but then turn around and insult your intelligence. It's taken me years to get over it, and I'm still learning to trust others. Thank you Dr. Carter, I love your informative videos.

Hi everyone. It’s obvious, we aren’t alone in our suffering. And we aren’t alone in our struggle. And we are stronger than we realize.

This is exactly why I went no contact. You give everything and get nothing but abuse!

When a Narcissist thinks you maybe actually leaving..They will act like they will do everything to fix it..Once they think they have you again..They slowly going back to their old ways

I believe that sometimes they are so covert that they hide it even from themselves. They don't see what they do as wrong and truly feel like they are a victim. They probably experienced abuse once and actually used to be the victim, but now they have become the abuser.

This is my ex husband almost to a T. The most important thing I remind myself of is that it was all extremely subtle. Underneath all the seemingly nice stuff, there was this subtle manipulation and degrading going on. He was incredibly loving and caring and did a lot to make effort in the relationship, and I actually thought we were very happy most of the time. Yet from time to time (every month or few months) he would stonewall me, gaslight me, lie, be passive aggressive, and if he acknowledged responsibility for an inappropriate behaviour or mistake (like lying to me), by the end of the conversation he had somehow turned the responsibility back onto me - even this was done subtly and said nicely, so it seemed like we were having a mature, communicative conversation. His putdowns were extremely subtle but demeaning - in the moment they seemed like innocent comments - and they slowly degraded my self-confidence. Slowly things became more apparent. But it was always subtle. Ultimately I asked myself, do I want to be in a marriage with a person who is passive aggressive and with whom I don’t feel emotionally safe? Then the answer was easy.

It is cruel what Coverts do to their children. They not only ruin lives, but they rob that child of who he/she was meant to be. They steal our lives from us. My Covert mother made me believe it was my fault we didn't have a good relationship just to learn later in life it was always her & she really hated me.🤢 It's a roller coaster ride you can't get off.

Sad to say it took 44 years for me to understand what had happened to me, It has taken six years of very hard work to recover from complex PTSD and two nervous breakdowns requiring hospitalization. I am now free because he died suddenly while trying to divorce me, I am making these the best years of my life.

Duped for over 35 years of marriage. I'm the villain in his Mr jerkyl/hyde script. So chronic to be so isolated both physically and zero friends hadn't worked for a decade. Started watching your feed. Now doing a degree at uni. Understand this behavior and are out of the game enough to work out his predictable punishment strategies and not get hooked. Now have a couple of safe places with friends is necessary. Thank you doesn't cut it. Neither does life saver. Actually sensed my inner self for the first time in decades the other day. God he knows. Love you Dr C.

They shapeshift

Bingo. Intermittent reinforcement kept me confused for over 40 years. Trauma bonded. Silent Treatment. Shaming. Out now. Thank the goddesses.❤ Thanks for all you do, Dr C. 🙏🏼🙏🏼

I've known the covert narcissist for 5 years and we were good friends. He was the king of deceit and guess what card game he loves to play competitively? You guessed it. POKER. On year 3, he played the victim of not having a place to go, no one cares for him and he has no future so my family and I took him in. On the surface, he acted as the sweet, shy, innocent, helpful, timid and soft-spoken individual. But behind that facade, revealed the most wicked, cruel, scheming and sinister demon. I made it clear that I am not into relationships and he said we could be super close friends instead and he would respect my boundaries. And you guessed again, all boundaries were broken and trespassed upon. He even tried to rape me. He eventually tried to lead the life of my family and mine. We saw through all this and banded together to take out the covert narcissist in steps. When he was on vacation, we took out all of his belongings and put it in a storage for him to pick up. Sent an email with no explanation and emotions. It's been peaceful for 2 full months!!! Yes, they don't reveal their cards in the beginning but if they reveal their sadness and pain to you within the first 10 minutes of meeting, GET THE HELL OUT! Don't fall for the trap despite the pain being real or not. A genuine person will gradually and slowly share their wounds with you. A covert narc will use it as a bait from the getgo.

My husband is like this. Everything has to be the way he likes or he'll get angry. Someone leaves a cabinet open he starts ranting about "how hard is it to close a door? People are so stupid" He seems like the kindest most respectful man to others. He does a lot of favors for people but I think he does them so he can boast about how good of a person he is. He says "i do everything for everyone and nobody does anything for me. Im not appreciated." If i like something popular I have to hear about how people are so stupid and they follow the trends like sheep.

"They've already written the script." That's huge. I've been trying to understand the attitude and behaviour of a toxic person in my extended family for months. Maybe years. I thought I had heard it all, but this hit home, big time. They do not want, or need, *any* input from the people in their lives. They've already decided on your role and function. They do not want a relationship. They want supply, and they wil orchestrate everything to that end. They will not even collaborate in order to achieve it - you must dance *entirely* to their tune. They give *nothing* and expect *everything*.

As Sandra L. Brown says, " psychopathy is THE # 1 public health threat" thank you for this platform..

Spot-on … they have “written the script and your input is not necessary” eye-opening comment

YES HE DOES ALL OF THIS AND TURNS ON THE CHARM FOR OTHERS TO THINK HE IS JUST SUPER NICE GUY... IM SOOO TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING TO BLAME

I can not afford to allow my psychological well-being to depend of the whims of a schemer who is a troubled unstable cowardly bully. Narcisists are soul crashers. We need not to Let them treat us as toys to be messed with. Thank you dr Carter❤

I have children with the narcissist, so I have to have continuous contact because our children are still fairly young. But I am encouraged in the Lord that I have won the war against this demon. And in long suffering, the narcissist’s games have made my faith stronger. Thank you Dr. C for your messages. You have been my personal therapist for a few years now lol.

I can’t describe how gutted I was when I explained to a therapist that “ this guy changed immediately as soon as our first child came” and went on to say that prior to marriage he would be understanding, talkative, interested in everything I had to say…. and she went on to say „ well, there you go, so he did care about you“. It was like „whoosh“. I felt betrayed and I ditched her a few weeks later

I recently met a narcissist and early on I started to feel that something was off. I started to clock his text and phone calls like clockwork. I would get a good morning text and a phone call after he got off work. I noticed that i always initiated contact and wanting to meet up. When i would say, i don't feel like you like me like that" and he would reply you should be patient. I would give constructive feedback on how he could improve and he would say "But i thought that i was doing that already." Thank God i cut that sh$! Off immediately because i just kept feeling like i was betraying myself. I left! This man knows what he is talking about!

When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..

You have been so instrumental in guiding me out of a mess back to myself. Dr Les, you're great! I i am healing. I am clear. I absolutely respect you and thank you. Many many of your videos later i am a reborn person. Thank you for helping me understands and see and learn how to set boundaries. Dignity Respect Civility. And self Love. Heaps of Love to you and your family! 💛 Carina from South Africa 🇿🇦

intermittent reinforcement completely describes my mother. it's sick that this was practiced on me from childhood until my mid 40s until I finally figured out she's not normal.

Myself and my husband are going thru this with our son. Since being with his (now) wife, he's consistently put us down in front of her, even tho he was always very loving and close to us. We get on great with all our family, our daughter, friends and strangers but since he's been with her we've been treading on eggshells, watching everything we say as we get a message saying we've 'upset' her..the slightest little thing...we can't do anything right. Her family are 'the best' and we are no longer wanted by him. When our beautiful granddaughter was born nearly 2 years ago, we've been stopped every which way from seeing her and he hasn't acknowledged us for a year. We did everything to love, support and help him and suddenly we're being 'punished' for something...we don't know what! We're devastated and have tried everything to put things right. Heartbreaking. We have a wonderful relationship with our daughter and her family. He's made us feel unwanted, unloved and never good enough.

Dr Carter - you described the interaction with a covert narcissists strategy perfectly. It is a constant striving to please someone whose expectations are inconsistent. IMO - It feels like the rug is pulled out from under you when you mistakenly believe the relationship has improved.

44 years here. Filing for divorce. All the same as above! They’re like clones of each other! Not much awareness’s of narcissism until the last few years, maybe a decade. Thanks to the you tube videos, a lot has changed. Thank God! The younger people now can recognize the signs sooner? Don’t know with the covert ones. They are extremely Good at what they do . Calculating.

"I can't afford to allow my psychological wellbeing to hinge on the whims of a schemer." Hopefully the moment of realization comes before one goes broke (broken)... but even then, one can work on oneself to get out of debt and finally be free of the snares.

Dr. C: The more you talk about the victim, and the less you talk about the abuser... The more you talk about healing, and the less you talk about the illness... The better and more helpful is your discussion. It is not about them. For my healing, it has been a journey of accepting my decency, my moral understanding, and my self acceptance. I was born into the narcissistic mess. The getting in was as easy as being born... Getting out was a traverse through uncharted territory.

You will find out quickly once you are no longer available to provide 24/7 supply (which is reality: life happens) that loyalty is indeed a complete one way street with a narcissist (coverts just much more sneaky about it). They will be off and running to find a new toy to play with faster than you can even see it coming. Your illness or incapacity is no “excuse”. Selfish right down to their utterly rotten core.

The part that I have remember is the 'spending time' part of covert narcissism. Someone who is genuinely interested will want to spend more time with you. Just before I get too close to people, I always come back to these videos almost as a refresher lol. I tend to forget all that I have learned about narcissistic abuse awareness. So, in returning and watching these videos, I always find something of value. Thanks for sharing.

22 years together March 17 will be married 18 years. I had spiritual awakening in 2020 I’m a crazy conspiracy theory person. His family is same way. The past 2 years has been hard cause I wasn’t sure about it but he is this one. Cause everything is my fault. I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t. Yep don’t like my light to shine. I walk on eggshells with him. Control always has to be his way. Trauma bond. He was nice shy in the beginning hide it well as long as I was ok with not being me I thought I loved him so much all I wanted was to make him happy. 2 kids together 19 daughter 10 year son. I’m 51 now I just want to be happy with being myself and that is not good to him. Watching all your videos today thank you so much. I don’t want to be in bondage forever.

28 years - 3 children!! RUN !!! Don’t stay !!! You’ll be broken & your children - it’s so sad ! The narcissist only truly cares for himself.

Is it possible that someone is a narcissist to only one person and treats everyone else as a nice person? He only hurts me. He is a great father and wonderful brother and son, friend, an excellent worker - all of his employers love him. But as soon as he is with me it's all over.

“Intermittent” is one of the hardest parts to accept. It’s like them constantly saying, “I like you, I don’t!” When things are good its like a “high”. You really believe your sister loves you (for example). Then…she just DOESN’T. 😢

I think the back-and-forth-dance-with-no-sustained-progress is also about them making sure you never feel secure enough in the relationship to make any demands of them. Just the way they like it.

Exactly. I ended up desperate for my covert mother's acceptance; it was a kind of obsession. She was always on my mind in a fearful, anxious way. I understood that she held the key to my loved relatives' bad opinion of me, but thought it was based on misunderstanding. It never occurred to me that she was destroying my reputation and relationships on purpose. And I didn't know that I could abandon her for my own safety and remain a decent person. I didn't know it was psychological and emotional abuse, even though I knew she did me much harm. Learning about narcissistic abuse and what to do, has changed my life. So grateful for answers, and peace, even in my grief. I don't owe them anything.

I had no ideal what a covert narcissist was. My daughter unmasked herself..it was so surprising. Now she is treating me as if I am the enemy. It’s like she turned into a monster before my eyes.

If not for Dr. Carter I would still be stuck. I’m learning to be and feel stronger every day.

I did feel foolish when I finally understood. Thank you again for your advice.

I have had a disastrous relationship with a narcissist several years ago and the recovery has been an up and down journey of self discovery. I thought I was "over it" and for the most part that's true. Until recently I started working with a guy in construction just the two of us. It started out great but over the course of 6 weeks this guy was testing my boundaries to the extreme. To the point where every day's work was filled with a sense of his need to be validated and the continuing agitation of my sense of self. It has shaken me up and reminded me the problem of narcissistic people in our lives is a problem of boundaries and feeling uncomfortable maintaining them. I really appreciate your videos.

Whoa! This was my life for 20 years. I haven’t spoke of it very much. No one wants to believe a person can take so much time from your life for their fun

A solid relationship must first be founded on mutual trust and respect. Without that - it's painful for one if not both.

My covert narcissist wife left me in 2017 after being together for 26 years.. Just a short time ago I found out she's probably a covert narcissist.. That would explain the way she acted and in the end left me for another poor guy.. it crushed me for years now. Thanks to good, solid and down to earth info from you and some others I finally found out the reason why she went away with another poor guy who is quite richer than me. Since I know that she's a covert narcissist and realizing that she is. Now I finally explain why she left and I can find myself and my indentity again. I have three sons and the youngest one is traumatized and lives with me.Another is her favorit and stays with her still. So thank you..very very much..Appreciate your being "down to earth". You helped and help me a lot. Thank you very much..I will get there surely.. grtz . Adrian.(From The Netherlands) _/\_

I am so thankful for this channel, I almost lost my mind trying to understand what I was going through. Thanks for all the help.

Happiness is giving up hope for these people to change.

That person you loved was a ghost. You try and try again but there is no one there . Their influence and childlike personality grows on you like a virus and it’s so seductive and furtive by the time I witness bad behavior it was like I was stuck and felt shame and guilt to leave her . But it’s true like that figure of speech saying Death by a thousand cuts. I loved her and I also would feel like a ghost when metaphorical she would just walk right through me as if she knew I wasn’t going nowhere. Those rare occasions when she would tear up her beautiful eyes watery in each others arms don’t leave me , I need you , I love you and I would try to hold her and hang on tight because I knew it was short lived because tomorrow I never knew which version of her I was going to get . Walking on eggshells, no accountability of her misbehavior, the insults, gaslighting and shaming was too much for me at the end . After 6 years I had to leave as she cried but still was unable to reach a reconcilable conclusion. It just boomerang back to me . I tried . After 6 years 6 months later she married some guy in less than a month from meeting him 6 months later shes pregnant. That fast . Even after those first 6 months that guy was already living with her and I didn’t know about him yet but she tells me , she’s not going down that road with me again and that she waited 6 months for us to get back together while she had me blocked . I reached back because I wanted closure still which that was a terrible idea . But even then she still couldn’t accept that she had a big time role in my decision of walking away . To be fair we got to admit and accept our role also in the relationship and why we let ourselves get dragged through the mud . But these relationships with these types are dangerous and hurtful to the non cluster b partners but there is something missing in us too that we need to work on . ❤

The hardest thing is realizing this and actually doing something about it. The only option.

The intermittent reinforcement is also known as 'breadcrumbs' from the narcissist.

Keeping my distance. Spend less time with. Protecting my peace, space, working on my needs and spiritual growth.

"Schemer" is very apt. I also related to feeling like I was "being played". For me, the long game was indeed a very short game. Either he wasn't very good at playing the long game, or wasn't prepared for someone who knew her worth. It took all of one month for the lies and deceit to start revealing themselves, and another three months of confusion and toxicity and then I was out. He is unemployed, doesn't want to work, has no life goals etc, whereas I am a career woman, a goal setter, and very driven. After constantly being belittled for being educated, having a career with decent earnings and being well travelled, enough was enough and I left him to wallow in his pitiful life.

I have referred to myself (for the past 4 decades plus), as a lady 'in waiting'. I always had to be flexible, available and meeting his needs because his world took priority. Now in his 70s, he'll only do what HE wants and F's up anything I want. He can watch me crying, coldly walk away and then turn it around with a whoa-is-me-I-just-can't-do-anything- right. All without me ever saying a word. I am so lonely and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep on without going totally insane.

At work, after being shut out, ignored , discredited and every other thing they do I finally have disconnected emotionally. I can’t get fired by the jerk and it makes him crazy. These videos saved my sanity. Thank you,Dr.Les. I think the implosion is about to begin and it will not be me!!!😂

Incredibly accurate. Intermittent reinforcement and breadcrumbing. Just when I'd think it was safe and he'd be receptive to listening to a real concern he'd turn the tables, stonewall and sulk, and punish by withholding any affection and intimacy. His favorite response: "What about my needs?" to which I'd say, "Yes, please share them..." But he never would. It was only a deflection. I remember thinking and later as we were divorcing said that the ONLY NEED he had was that I have NO needs. I bought his narrative always. Took me years to see this. Trauma bonding is real. Working through the grief and trying to heal. Thank you for your content and tools which help so much.

This video came to me at the perfect time. Yesterday I finally had the courage to say enough to my Nmom. I told her I was sick of this game. I'm done being fooled, ignored, mistreated, lied to my face by her and the rest of the family. If you are going through the same stuff don't be afraid of choosing you. It's hard but in time you'll know you made the right thing leaving these relationships behind!

Omg! You described exactly what I went through in my 33 year marriage, i could never articulate to myself or anyone what I was experiencing. I was always confused & miserable. Im now in the midst of a very long & painful divorce. It’s been hard because of the trauma bond. I’m 66 years old & because of the many years of mental & emotional abuse I am struggling to find my identity. I’m going to save this video & revisit it to remind myself that I wasn’t the problem & I wasn’t the crazy one. Thank you so much Dr. Les. I’m so glad I found this video.

A covert Narcissist = master of disguise 3 strong needs: 1. for control 2. for dominance 3. feeling superior It can take a bit time to reveal itsself for N. because these needs are very subtle shown. 2 strong elements that go along with the long game of a Covert N.: 1. Intermittent reinforcement ("I am with you but not really!"; lots of mixed messages) --> Goals: 》to keep you in confusion 》to keep hope alive 》to keep you to try stronger 2. Slowly building a trauma-bond: 》you have to filter everything through the N. 》you quietly buy into the message of inadequacy 》your confidence & self-esteem get lost over time 》you keep going back to the N. for approval The relationship ultimately feels like a game and the cycle repeats over and over again: ~ The N. writes the script, ~ No input from you ~ You can have moments of optimism but the positive feelings cannot be sustained ~ very little credit for your strength etc. ~ a N. admissions are superficial ~ to outsiders a N. can turn into charme ~ in private a N. will disappoint you ~ loyality is one way only Your feelings toward a N. can be: --> you often feel perplex --> you feel like in a guessing-game --> you feel less than secure --> you feel like you cannot get out There are 2 directions shown by a N.: 1. "Come to me!" 2. "Go away!" Conclusion: In a relationship with a N. you will never feel "simply be me" (no freedom, no peace, no identity etc.) Dr. Carter 👴 and Gus 🐶, thank you for another insightful lesson.

This is exactly what has happened to me to a tee. 😳I’m out but the trauma bond is so painful!

I was entangled for many years with a covert narcissist. Dr.Carter everything you said in this video was the crux of my relationship with them. I've been freed now for 11 years from their manipulative toxicity. Thank you Dr. for shedding light on this topic. ♥️

Just described my sister. Been no contact for 4 months. Really never want to see her again. She’s been brewing me up all our lives as I now see looking back. As an empath I gave her the benefit of the doubt whenever she “fell out” with people regularly over 4 or 5 decades. Then she turned on me once parents died. It’s so sad to see her so angry and embittered.

This is very interesting. After a two month period of devaluation (withdrawal, blaming me for problems she created etc) I actually broke it off with her. It was the first time she did this in a 2 year relationship. I think it was an unrelenting attempt to trauma bond me... but I rejected it!!!

Yes, this is the most confusing part. They spend your who life 'grooming you into what they want' rather than who you are. Going back to fam time and time again. Once you see it you start to hate all of it.... The good bits become sickly and unbelievable and always waiting for the rubbish to hit. They think a trauma bond suffices for love, it doesn't but the trauma bond kept me in the game and is still difficult to work around..... Coverts are majorly good at guilting. Keeps me working harder, feel like I can't breathe around them because you can't even discuss or sort this out as they're happy with it. Works for them! Don't waste your time, I've tried everything but there is no communication with these people because they're not open to input. They're right im wrong end of story. The way I saw it conclusively was a repeat of the same situation x 4 times all with a different ranting narrative at me from them about how wrong I was, was simply dependant on how they felt and had nothing to do with me. It's all about them, how they feel yet they're masters at making us feel inadequate, defective and as if we're bad people. You'd think your fam would be your biggest supporter.... not with a narc fam!

This is exactly what I have with my daughter. She is so friendly and kind in front of others but will fall back into covert nastiness when no one else can see her acting disrespectfully.

Thank you Dr. C! I’ve been ruminating/studying the CN’s ‘long game’ for awhile now. “What does it say about a relationship when I’m not even allowed to simply be me?” That hit the spot!!❤

It's literally crazy making. Maybe you can shed some light on post abuse behavior and what's normal for a survivor? I feel an overwhelming compulsion to tell everyone my side. Like I'm getting one shot at exposing the truth and I need to tell everyone where I'm coming from. Why? I want desperately to be understood, heard, known.

I used to see it like an evil game of Chess that I could never win. I could never understand why he used to force me to play it. I actually begged him not to do it....I understand now. I've cut him out of my life permanently. I'll never play his evil, rigged game again

And their "apologies" are never for what they did. They "apologize" for how you felt. THAT IS NOT AN APOLOGY!

The idea that someone could be an intermittent narcissist helps me understand my experiences of inner conflict and confusion. I’m grateful to be living alone for 7 months now. I can breathe. I’m not hypervigilant 24/7. My housemate was often very helpful, kind and giving. At the same he always seemed to think he was more righteous, and morally superior to everyone else, while holding on to personal, sometimes quirky grudges forever (even years after “offenders” sincerely apologized multiple times). I felt guilty and conflicted about how difficult it was for me to interact with him, given that he definitely did have a “good” side. It was simply draining; I had very little energy left for anything else. Maybe he wasn’t a bonafide narcissist, but he was definitely bad for MY nervous system! I am working on forgiving him and forgiving myself, a little bit at a time. I have the peace and freedom to do it now.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around that it's all just a game, 13 years of manipulation after a 25 year abusive marriage has taken it's toll on me greatly. If you call them out on an obvious lie or disrespect of you and your boundaries, or even try to explain how something they did or said made you feel bad they always turn it back onto you and deflect. "Why is everything in this relationship always my fault?" "I never get a chance to say anything", " it's always about you"... You can never get anywhere with them. Then your the one always " pushing, pushing, pushing," or "nagging, nagging, nagging." " you never let anything go", " your still living in the past"... Nothing ever gets resolved, and it only gets built up more and more until you get physically ill mentally, emotionally, and physically. My head doesn't ever stop spinning even if he's gone during the day. I need to get out of this, I feel trapped as I cannot currently stand on my own two feet literally. Physically and financially broken.

I am caring for my mother who is in end-stage COPD and she is a narcissist, I am the scapegoat. I am the only one who will care for her. It is hard. Just like you said, some days are good days, then other days if I don't play into her delusions, she lashes out and wonders why I walk away. Your videos are great and help me stay focused. Thank you.

I thought I had a friend for seven years. When it all blew up over his lies that he could no longer cover up or 'explain' we dropped him. It took a while to disengage but the truth slowly came out and his duplicity was revealed. All while saying 'I'm here for you, that's what friends are for...' he was badmouthing me and others to each other to keep himself in 'power'. We finally started to ask each other questions when things weren't adding up and the lightbulbs went on. It was horrifying how manipulative he was and how good at it. No contact now, he's hoist on his own petard.

I left my ex covert narc husband 3 years ago and as of TODAY he STILL goes out his way to get a reaction out of me! On Christmas he went from telling me he wanted us to get back together ( I would NEVER) to my kids coming home telling me daddy had a woman spend the night over a few days ago! The sickness of these individuals smh we were together 20 years with 5 kids, love my kids to no end but let me tell u I hate I chose him as their dad 💯

Thank you so much. One of the best clip on this Topic. Simply on Point.

Your talk is exactly about the roller-coaster ride you get whilst living with them. Also like an absolute freak show you find yourself in. I want to say something about boundaries-- the covert narc is a master at boundaries!!! You cross any one of their countless boundaries and you are in deep crap. It's up to us how we handle it. I wish on nobody the amount of years and tears I've spent in the whirlpool of trying to figure out what was going on--the WHY WHY WHY. For the past 2 years I've been learning about this narcissism stuff and learning to implement my own boundaries. What a journey this life has been, it's made me a better person by also inner ward self reflection because I wanted to know "is this my fault" because they are experts at that blame game they always do. They have more angles, more plots, they are truly perplexing.

It's been 29 yrs since we divorced but it took decades to get over it & I only began to really understand what happened in the past two years when I stumbled upon these narcissism videos. What they helped me do was reinforce what I knew but couldn't prove, that I wasn't nuts & that I wasn't an awful person. The most shocking thing I found out was that he lied to me, ALL THE TIME, & I didn't know it. My sister told me that he did but I didn't believe her. Looking back now I see it very clearly. I thank God every day that I am out & doing well & not letting those kinds of people in my life anymore.

This is EXACTLY what I went through AFTER I left covert (but ALSO VERY MALIGNANT) narc husband. It took me 1.5 years to realize/understand he was doing this. EVERY single thing you said Dr. C., my soon to be Ex husband did and said... Narc EX-husband has NEVER admitted any fault, nor ever admitted to any of his abuse, and has NEVER admitted it nor showed any remorse, nor ever uttered the words "I'm sorry". When I FINALLY got it, I felt such DISGUST, I cannot put my DISGUST into words.. I now find him LOATHSOME and REVOLTING

THANK YOU for clarification. My intention to be a compassionate and magnanimous friend is what gave her the green light to run her program on me. It took a number of go-round of control games, always in the explaining/defending myself mode, all while being careful to her sensitivities, before I recognized her real MO. Fast forward to a recent social gathering where she so charmingly baited me into emailing her later to set up a get-together,...only to be shut out politely, of course. OK, my lesson is complete.

You will live in a world of stop and go signs with people like this, until you have no choice but to remove yourself. They will not release you from what they do, only blame you for being the one who is "wronging" them by leaving.

Is to win at any and every cost

The covert narcissist in my life is my only child. Sadly, he and his two boys are the only blood relatives I know in this world. He treats me so badly that I've had to go no contact more than once in the past few years. I'm very sad to learn that it may one day be forever.

Dr. Carter is an excellent teacher!

I went into therapy a few weeks back due to ongoing anxiety, depression, feelings of worthlessness and constant stress. After describing my relationship dynamics to my therapist he made me discover and realize that I have been in a relationship with a covert narcissist for a long time, this was quite the reveal to me. I went no-contact with my ex-partner a few days ago. Whenever I start feeling overwhelming guilt I come back to these video's and remind myself of that I am fighting to create and take back control over my own life again. To hopefully find back that sense of self-worth and self-respect. It is going to be a long journey, but it is so much worth it.

You completely nailed it, Dr C. I could never be me with that person. Now I am me. And I love me! Thank you for your great insight and understanding. I feel liberated and loved.❤

I was divorced last year after 38 years of marriage. I knew something was "off" with her, but the emphasis on MY failures never afforded me time to look objectively at my marriage and the failure thereof. I started watching your videos within a short time of my separation (basically thrown out of my house). I watched dozens of your videos and some of the "covert" traits in my ex came to light, but there was still something a little "out of focus." Then you came out with the video on the VULNERABLE narcissist. Every one of those traits was a check on the list for her. Thank you for the clarity Doc. The truth makes us free...not always happy, but free.

What bends my brain is the ex husband used to say all the time “I can’t be myself” “I can’t say what I feel or you use it against me”… the interesting thing is during our divorce, I figured out why he couldn’t be himself… bc the person without the mask was someone I didn’t realize even existed. He was entirely right… he couldn’t be himself… because he would have never got me to stay or marry him being who he truly as inside in the manner he became once the discard phase began.