Jolene: When I first set eyes on your comment I knew you knew the Covert and I didn't read it all yet. We know this and they are NOT good people. Talk about depth of not caring is some weird sh-t to be around. They just don't care. They will portray delightfulness to a stranger and come home to their partner and alienate, neglect them, ignore them and proceed to do obnoxious behaviors constantly knowing damn well it bothers you. No more because I'm getting pissed off right now. Bye.
Vulnerable narcs really do have that Jekyll and Hyde thing down to an art. It leaves others in a constant state of confusion and anxiety. This is really how they trap their victims. First comes the charm, then comes the evil. It's maddening.
@@cherylcaardillo1702 I didn’t understand my mother is a VN until I was in my mid 40s. It took to age 51 to completely go no contact. And I finally have a life that isn’t pandering to her drama, envy and sabotage.
Hmm, I reckon the axe remembers delivering the blows that temporarily blunted it, leaving it unusable until it has been sharpened. I can see the axe proudly surveying a forest of limbless trees and stumps...
You got the "It wasn't so bad" LIE. Or my favorite, "That never HAPPENED" sort of revisionism. THESE PEOPLE ARE ABSOLUTELY EVIL. There IS no low they won't stoop too. Blameshifters Inc they all are at the end of the day
It's so interesting to me that almost everyone in the comment section is the victim of the narcissist, but no one is stepping up saying, wow, I think that's me!
That’s my fiancé to a T! So passive aggressive since I moved in. I’m in the process to taking steps to leave. I’m not sure it’s because he’s a covert racist but wants me to control while looking like he’s not racist
Dr. Grande, as a 63-year-old woman who has been dealing with VN's since the day I was born, I want to thank you for helping me to gain so much clarity in my thinking about all the confusing aspects of my life. Insight is a beautiful thing and I will be forever grateful for your wise words!!!
@@gsafadi2 , Sandra Wegman is correct but I will say that I knew something was off in my life for many years but I always thought it was a very tangled web of specific circumstances and personality traits coming together in a unique way. It was not until I heard the term "covert narcissist" (or vulnerable narcissist as Dr. Grande prefers) that a light went on. From listening to Dr. Grande, I have gained a perspective that has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders.
I feel so happy reading this. If I'm Being honest I'm thinking off My own mother who is the same age, and throughout the years became more and more beaten down due to these People. She is a Beautiful soul, My biggest wish is for her to be able to see things for what they really are. This is what i would say to her: I hope you found you're way back to who you really are, know this core off you was never lost. I see you Always, please reach out' and join me in a world without fear.
I’m a diagnosed vulnerable narcissist and, while some of us are definitely on the abusive end of the spectrum, a lot of us save our anger for ourselves and lament over the gap between our lives and our ideal selves. With my narcissism, there’s actually a strong disinterest in others so I don’t feel the need to exploit or harm anyone, it’s just this core belief I have that I’m secretly better than others in some unnameable way.
And I'll bet money you're desperately unhappy. Ya dummy, if you help others, you can't be unhappy. Especially if you're a drunk or addict. I'm not saying give money or a place to live or a job. Just wisdom and honesty.
If you don't mind me asking what led to you getting a diagnosis? Usually I would figure that victims of narcissism are more drawn to seeking diagnosis rather than a narcissist
Timestamps for your benefit: 1. Blame shifting 4:21 2. False accusations then playing the victim 6:22 3. Claiming memory problems 7:31 4. Bringing up a sore topic on purpose 8:45 5. Stealing credit for someone else's work 9:50 6. Starting fights for seemingly no reason 10:44 7. Ending relationships without warning 11:47 8. Money flaunting 12:33 9. Acting cold and distant 13:43 10. Temporarily acts confident and dominant in social situations 14:23
@@scott7008 I'm in a so called feminist region, Skandinavia. I have a case with a police over a Narcissist man who has raped and abused. I'm telling you police doesn't give a damn at the end of the day. He is just an other white man getting away with everything he has done. So no, when comes to action Law is not behind women.
They are so damn good at twisting everything you say against you too. Often you feel completley drained of energy when you dealt with one of thoose predators.
Don't give them too much credit now. Being a leech isn't a strength or skil.l it means they're so bad at everything they do, they have to take from everyone else.
When you work with lots of money on the line or peoples lives on the line you don't allow people to reinterpret because that is how the airplane falls out of the sky next time we get it into the sky, or that is how the building burns down, or that is how the bridge collapses. Take your pick and I advise people to learn what communication is, how it happens, and how to be effective with it if you're going to use it as your primary tool when dealing with people other than yourselves.
When you catch narcissists in a lie, they continue to deny. It feels as though you are talking in circles. They never own up to their reactions or they just might throw out an "I'm sorry" after a while of arguing just to shut you up but it really has no merit. I know because I deal with it in my relationship.
I had a narcissist employee. After she didn't get thanked in our group meeting for donating to our hospital charity fund, she apparently felt insulted by me. A week later in our meeting, she informed me she had donated $25,000 anonymously to the charity fund. This was patently false as she earned $45K, drove a 10 year old car, lived in a $100K trailer home and was a single mom sending her son to college at the time. I was dumbfounded. When I mentioned that her name had not been on the list I was given, and that the HR department said no such donation had been made, she became irate. She aggressively said "Prove it" and stormed out of my office. She would not back down on this or on other occasions when she told obvious lies.
oh god, me to. I'm so mad at myself for letting someone around me that's toxic. Deny Deny Lie, it gets so old & I feel stressed & older & now fatter from all the toxic behavior I endure:(
If a narc criticizes you, just say thank you, ill use that criticism to become a happier person when I’m making my next relationship emotionally fulfilling.
I'm really struggling after watching this video. I genuinely can't decide if I'm suffering from a covert narcissist in my life, or if I'm the covert narcissist and they're reacting to me. I wish there was clarification as to the scale and scope of symptoms. It is improbable that I'm the only person watching and wondering this.
Exactly my question. I guess the only way to properly find out is to speak to a psychologist yourself because there are so many small differences to take into consideration, it's what they've studied since years. Very informative videos still.
It's great how you sidestep yourself in this way. Many people here only see problems in others. I actually don't find it important, to find one person to blame à la "You have been first, you are the evil one" but to see that both partners are in a way trapped in this maladaptive interactional pattern. So the question is, how can I break the pattern effectively - It really doesn't matter who is the one who does this first, wether this is you or your partner. So it might be best to start observing your own reactions and start thinking about possible alternatives and slowly exchanging them by those you found out to work better for the relationship. If the partner sabotages this evidently, than you have at least a proof that you aren't the only one who acted in a problematic way. Good luck.
for me it all started when I finaly fixed my mental healt.. I was in bliss.......... then I remember a girl that was shy like me...... and I wanted to help her. be a hero... a saviour.............. but the problem here was... as soon as I though of myself as a hero, a vilian was born...... eventualy after 1 month. I got pulled in her rabbit hole of crazy........ and I kept going and going. and ignoring my intuition that was screaming from the inside.......... then the vilian started winning inside my head. and I was a victim in my head...... then I walked up to the girl that I loved and all broken,. I broke her heart as well............ it was very hard for me to let her go...... but I let her go. because... I couldnt live with myself knowing I have her in a cage. she would be like a bird without a song............. I created this hell in my head....... guess Im covert narcissist. by what Ive done.........
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective *Barryinvestigation@gmail. com* . Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
so glad you got a PI. I should have done that in the past, but found out so much a few years later - but it turns out, I found out the truth when I was ready to hear it. Always trust your intuition. When things don't feel right, it is likely they aren't. My ex was leading a double life, but I've done the healing work (it isn't easy). The best thing anyone can do is live the best life you can for yourself....cut the toxicity out if possible. Surround yourself ONLY with people who lift you up. Covert narcissists actually have no identity, so they try to steal yours. They suck the life out of you completely.
This sounds like my kid's dad. He likes to cover up his bad behavior with lies. I remember when we first got together I was working and bought us a new apartment. Lied to me about having a job, lied about looking for jobs, make up excuses to cover his ass. Then resorted to telling me that he was testing me to see if I was mentally strong enough to live on my own because I was "too close to my parents". He seriously had me fooled. I didn't know about covert narcissism or the warning signs and why I was getting played like a yo-yo.
I was in a relationship for 7 years to a VN. Very destructive to me emotionally! I had to get therapy for the severe anxiety that plagued me because of his manipulations. He has tried to Hoover me since and I considered reuniting with him, but now that I am informed, I set my boundaries very clearly and I can spot his behaviors and call him out on them right away. I have confronted his excessive drinking and get blamed for it “I drink because we are not together” is the reoccurring line. Now he did the disappearing act when I stood firm. No more narcs for me!! It feels good to be strong again!!
I was in fear that I would never find anyone again. Such a lie from the enemy. My counselor did the best he could with me but the true revelation came when I prayed and asked God to show me the truth about my VN and I literally asked God “please take these feelings I have for him away. I keep getting sucked back in”. I went around and around on that merry go round for 4 years until it finally dawned on me to ask God for truth and to take those feelings of dependence away. It took about a month or so of prayer and I finally started to feel free. I was still vulnerable to Hoovers for a good year but I finally moved on and the anxiety is gone.
20 years ago, I asked God for the gift of discernment and He granted my prayer. I don't hate the narcissist that destroyed my life rather I pray that the individual comes to recognise the havoc they've done to myself, themselves and others. "Love your enemies as you love yourself". Jesus Christ
I can't imagine being so closely involved with a narc. The mere thought is nightmare inducing, I hope the best for you and everyone else struggling with their attachments.
Faking a sincere tone, I told a narcissist, "I'm not as smart as you are." The feigned humility was incomprehensible for him, rendered him bewildered, tongue-tied. He changed the subject. Delightful :)
@@springfauna1465 I've never been complimented on my cunning in a while. That's a great feeling! Still, it does seem a tad forced. When you compliment a narcissist - or anyone for that matter - be specific in which feats of wit are superior. I take particular pride in my ability to influence a room without bringing any attention to myself.
Haha, well they are in essence VERY predictable so it's possible to really throw them off with stuff like that. They are still human though, and it's a really cruel thing to do to them. They never deserved to get the disorder in the first place, yet they got it anyway. And all their feelings & behaviours, although extremely toxic, are a result of that disorder. 'Getting back at them' for their wrongdoing to you is really cruel for that reason. Best thing is to go no contact without trying to hurt them back. There is no shame in wanting to hurt them as it is a logical reaction of your brain to do so, but by not acting on that desire you're being the best person you could possibly be in that situation.
I had some vulnerable narcissistic traits when I was younger, mood swings, anxiety and depression. My self esteem swung along with the mood, and problems with social anxiety and shame. It felt like the world was a dystopia where bad people would get all the rewards, and the "polite, caring and orderly people like me" finished last, a bit of incel oriented thoughts I guess. Eventually you realize that it's the high school mentality that is toxic, and not the world in general. It felt like my peers hated me for having good marks, like everyone who was better than them needed to be destroyed. I tried sertraline and it helped a lot, and also finding more optimistic friends. Narcissism causes more narcissism so it's important to try and break the cycle. My life is great now and I'm really grateful for everything I have 🥰
The best part is, after each video I have a full understanding and no confusion about what you're presenting. Clear, calm, concise. Rekindled my love for psychology. Your an excellent teacher Dr. Grande.
Its funny when you said that the vulnerable knows something is off. I had a grandiose and vulnerable narcissist friend in my life, the grandiose always said that "people act crazy, people are stupid, everybody is wrong" . But the vulnerable in the ocasions that he was in a life crisis he would say: "i think im a little crazy, i think im paranoid, i have a lot of hate inside.." Its like he knew something was wrong in those moments, and then he would later "forget" that he said those things. And both said to me at some point: "i have a love/hate relationship with my mother" 😐
That's form of manipulation. They're saying these things because it is expected, "I saw it in the movie, that's good line, normies say these things all the time".. yeah. Don't fool yourself, they don't forget shit. Whatever they say is pretentious/mask.
shadrach I’m not sure that is necessarily a good example of trust issues being evidence of being untrustworthy. It may well be perfectly accurate for one specific individual and their tendency to project but certainly not a universal example/truth of untrustworthiness, which is how it came across to myself. I don’t care for online banking as I don’t really trust such either as the only “paper trail” (more accurately, audit trail) it leaves is a strictly digital one, so if anything happens in the banking system that corrupts that digital record there will exist no reliable evidence of payment rendered (I’m rather intimately familiar with computer security, hence my concerns). I also have deep seated trust issues with respect to relationships (and hence have not been in any for over 25 years though I desperately desire such), but not because I am untrustworthy. Most who know me have no issue whatsoever trusting me with just about anything, whether personal or of great value, and would describe me as trustworthy almost to a fault. My trust issues come from a history of considerable past abuse in childhood coupled with abusive partners when I tried dating in my early 20s and those experiences are what have left me unable to trust others. So while projection is a legitimate concern with certain personality types one must also be careful not to see projection in every similar example as one may have great difficulty trusting others without necessarily being untrustworthy themselves (nor is their lack of trust necessarily reflective of you or even how they may perceive you as some of us simply have very traumatic pasts, unfortunately, and trust can take a very long time to establish).
I am a vulnerable narcissist. Envious, dependent, resentful, hypersensitive, insecure, longing to be a high-status person. But I am extremely honest and being a kind person is important for my self-esteem. So I avoid the dishonest behaviours which you described.
Septimus, the "drive to succeed' overflows into your previously stated characteristics. I'm here to tell you when you achieve that success level - the grand first prize is Loneliness. Less is more
I'm not entirely sure you can have a diagnosis without the behaviors associated with it, or forms of functional impairment. Envy, resentment, sensitivity and insecurity are feelings and traits a good deal people have to contend with and hopefully overcome at one point or another in their lives, if they don't translate in consistent behavioral patterns it must mean that at least you've found ways to regulate them and cope, and at best that you were being too hard on yourself when you wrote that comment
I initially watched these videos to figure out why some of my family members act the way they do. As I dig deeper, I realize that I also have some of these covert narcissistic tendencies. I hope I can grow out of this and change. Thank you for the great information!
What about day to day stuff, like stepping aside for women with their hands full and such. Or if you have a dog, don't make the dig walker stand in the street to avoid yours? I see this every day where I live and people wonder why I'm single. Lol. Because I wouldn't live w someone who puts themselves first like that. I've had grown men plow right past me or actually shove past me.
Your awareness & desire to change makes me think you can & will. I started out seeking insight on several family member's behaviors too. Glad we have more clarity and choices going forward. Peace and blessings. 🙌
Usually, by the time you learn the person is a "covert narcissist", you have already 'dealt' with them in one way or another. You cannot and will not recognize the person as a 'covert narcissist' just by looking at them or having casual interactions with them. You have to observe, listen, and understand what you SAW,what you HEARD, and WHY you SAW and HEARD that. Now don't that sound easy. The better question is how do you STOP 'dealing with' a covert narcissist once you understand what you SAW, what you HEARD, and WHY you SAW and HEARD that? The 'best way' to 'deal with a covert narcissist' is to STOP listening, STOP observing, STOP wondering WHY, and STOP having ANY interaction with them. If you MUST have interactions with them, limit the interactions as much as possible. No "hi, how are you doing", no "hi, I wish I had time to talk to you", no "hi, it's nice to see you", just "hi, hope you're doing well, I've got to run" or just "hi" and keep walking. If at all possible avoid ANY setting or situation where the narcissist or a 'flying monkey' can observe you or listen to you. 'Flying monkeys' are the narcissist's 'possessions'. Dealing with or interacting with anything or anybody the narcissist 'owns' is considered the same as 'dealing with' or interacting with the narcissist. The more you 'deal with' a covert narcissist, the more you will have to 'deal with'. Do not 'run' from a covert narcissist unless you can 'run' totally away from them. When you 'run' from a narcissist, it makes them feel powerful and important. They like that and will make a sport out of watching you 'run'. Once you 'learn' the person is a 'covert narcissist', you have to 'learn' to either 'covertly' avoid the hell out of them or 'overtly' have NO CONTACT with them and refuse to 'deal with' them. This all SOUNDS so simple and easy, but ask anybody who has ever "dealt with" one and they'll tell you it's one of hardest things they've ever 'dealt with'. Additionally, Metaspyhub@gmail. com is a company that is ideal if you need to be able to confront a cheating spouse because they have some of the most advanced features in the industry.
The vulnerable narcissist in a relationship in my situation only present hard for the significant other. Other people will perceive something off, but it's the partner who is being slowly boiled. As others have posted, behind closed doors, when that person isn't making major efforts to present normally, at home and without others present, we experience their insecure raging. And it takes sometimes decades for us to realize that that isn't because of something we've done, that we aren't enough, but because that person is so insecure they have been chipping at our self esteem to make themselves feel better all that time. When you realize it finally, it's maddening.
I think that calling these "thoughts" is a mischaracterization. Personally, I was the victim of what I'd say classifies as a covert/vulnerable narcissistic parent. I came to this realization 11 months ago, and in that time I've learned so much about my parent, my childhood, how that parent shaped me even in subconscious ways, and how I had adopted some of the same behaviors. I had to dig my way out of the hell they created. And I learned that many of the defense mechanisms that got me through adolescence and the mindset created through being manipulated, emotionally abused, and gaslit for 20+ years translated poorly in adulthood and became narcissistic behaviors. I don't think, for the most part, that these are conscious "thoughts". I'd probably call them motivations. Because when I looked within myself, I found some of these motivations. It was only by understanding my mother's behavior patterns that I was able to find the strength to look at the parts of her that seeped into my nature. Only then could I see my victim mentality. Narcissism seems to be a multigenerational curse of poorly-raised humans getting stuck with the wounds of childhood and never properly accepting their lot in life, taking responsibility for their own actions and agency, and taking on the painful burden of truly changing for the better on a fundamental level. But to call them thoughts is to imply that narcissists actively choose to act this way, knowing that it's fucked up and wrong. I'd venture to hypothesize that a number of them are unaware of normality and how far from it their perspective has been warped.
Mahalo, thank you, for this. I wish you healing and the strength to change. This was something I needed to hear. I can make a change. Aloha nō, mālama pono, take care
Thanks for clarifying this. Comments like these should be required reading for the ones getting stuck in RU-vid narc bashing buzz titles and subsequent lists. It's a complex and nuanced issue. Wish me luck.
I understand because my late father was one. I couldn't understand then why my childhood was unhappy and always felt something abnormal when compared to my friends'. This is insightful...
Yes! Mighty Mouse, so true - they feel "familiar" to us. They feel normal, but in reality, truly normal people "feel" boring to us. We need to re-program ourselves. I heard a good saying: Look for the Fireplace🔥, not for the Fireworks 🎆
Number 6- random fights: sometimes they want to spend time away from you (to cheat or use drugs, or just be alone, but rather than be open…) so they start a fight and storm away. Or they want an excuse for abusing you with some stonewalling or other punishment.
It's the mentality of domestic violence. These people never change. Just dismiss them or don't give them any money, a job, use of your stuff or a place to live. It's a cycle. Lundy Bancroft says that they keep and foster a resentment f9r weeks. Months, years. Until they deem the victim "asking for" abuse of some sort and blow up. 😒 It's usually just a "sucker punch" of a mean or rude comment. It can and often DOES progress to physical abuse. Im.all for pressing charges and restraining orders, but assume you'll be called a liar in court by everyone. Even if you have zero record and they've assaulted every woman they ever were with, as it turns out. Ask for a permanent restraining order and block them. Assume they might well come after you, keep your eyes OPEN, and be armed. Mace, whatever you need. Yell FIRE if they get within 50 feet of you. People love a good fire and you'll have witnesses.
So, you met my parents, huh? One said nobody would ever gaf about me when you get mad at the games and abuse of extreme emotion immaturity. More than once, they said it. Lol.
Watching these videos I've diagnosed and undiagnosed myself several times. "Oh that sounds like me", "aw hell no", "wait I kinda did that before", "wtf who would do something like that". Lol. Anyways, great videos, very interesting.
Recognising that you have behaviours like this indicates that you couldn’t be a narcissist because a narcissist would never see themselves as being wrong - ever. Lol
Very cool - sounds like you're saying these are integral but regulatable characteristics of the human condition, sometimes fuelled by more resentment/power than is good for us? Opposite ends of the same spectrum. What must it be like to be throwing little balls of carefully nuanced nudges at people all day?
Wow that's disgusting,not allowing not even your own children to become successful. Uterly distyrbing. Such parents are a case for years and years of therapy.
@SubversiveMemes Because they act better for long enough, and you feel genuinely sorry for their troubles, which are often real. It's only over time that you realize there's no way to help them, they are alone in their aloneness and you are merely being pulled into their dark cloud.
My father is a full blown narcissist with malignant tendencies. I have always been a massive people pleaser and craved approval, so I know I am overly generous and i constantly try to placate.. even when I shouldn't. However, I now realize I have some vulnerable traits myself. They don't really affect my relationships persay because unless someone directly criticises me I am ok, and when they do, I just withdraw or become sullen, even if I feel a lot of rage inside. However, I now realize it has affected greatly my life choices. My need to be the best or at least highly competent at anything I do means I don't do anything, because failure or feelings of shame crush me. I have a unskilled job, although objectively I am well above average intelligence. (Based on test scores not self perception) I just had a melt down about my art because my bf offered me constructive criticism on my drawing. People at work constantly ask me why I am in the job because I am "so talented " and say I am wasting my life.. but I just cannot face failure and criticism and that is ruining everything. I know that in the job I am in, I can never fail. Like I said, I have empathy and self awareness, and I contain my emotions so I don't believe I am full blown npd, but yes I believe these traits massively affect my life. I think a lot of us are more affected by narcissistic parents than we realize. I wonder if anyone else here recognises these traits in themselves.
I absolutely do. Your words spoke to me in a profound way. I have been complacent for the same reason. It is no way to live, happily and authentically. I am also artistically inclined & appreciate your comment so much. Peace and blessings to you. 🌻
I didn't recognize these traits in myself until I was about 19 or 20. My best friend who was one of my roommates at the time and we also worked together driving long distance just us two. He told me off one day and it was justified. I was offended by what he said but cuz he was right. I also noticed that everything he said were things that really bothered my about my dad.
This sounds familiar to myself. Is this traits of aftermath or is this actually being npd? I get very overwhelmed with all the pain from a perceived failure and I find I just stay unfulfilled and away from anything that can hurt me so much. I stopped trying because I had been made to feel never good enough.
Just finished my mental health rotation and I decided to delve back into these personality traits and styles. Man so much more information in these videos than a whole semester of nursing school.
My ex-husband would always shift the blame or deny it happened. If you confront him with evidences or point out to logical inconsistencies in his thinking process he would tell you that you are overreacting or just stop the argument and avoid you for the entire week, then came back like nothing happened.
My husband's mother is like this. He has mentioned events from his childhood where she came off as less than a perfect mother. She completely denies it ever happened. Granted, he tends to suffer in silence when things go wrong, but she may be the reason. Once he fractured his ankle and she wouldn't take him to the doctor. Another time he had a concussion and severe headaches for days, and again she said it wasn't important enough to go to the doctor.
This was so helpful thank you. Some thoughts that stood out to me. "I'm deeply hurt by receig this criticism, but hurting you will bring me some relief" "The idea of criticism is offensive to me, critism is offensive to me. Critism is only for people who are not perfect" "I only value the feedback from perfect people, and you dont fall into that category" "You criticised me, which shows you sont love me, so I am going to hurt you" "I didn't think you'd have the confidence to stand up for yourself, now I have to remove myself from the situation that I caused" "I like to see people suffering without my actions being the direct cause of their suffering, o that my actions cannot be blamed" "I felt sad today so it felt fitting that I try and make you feel sad too" "I know that high status people earn a lot of money and I want to be regarded as a high status person" "I will show you that I have power and then you will follow me" ⭐"I know that I'm weak and I'm trying to over compensate by dominating others" ⭐
You are hitting some points that's making me feel such high levels of embarrassment. I'm hitting myself in flashbacks about how I tend to be. I cant afford therapy so I'm kinda wondering how I can deal with myself if I am a vulnerable narcissist. I guess being aware of it is a good place to start.
I feel like I may be guilty too. I think it's a lack of self awareness. Sometimes I get so into my head that I'm not even thinking about how I must be making others feel. It's like I think the other person doesn't mind my pity parties. And I have such a bad habit of saying rude things if I feel attacked. And it's like, in my head, I feel like a douche and I even realize how ridiculous I sound as I say cringy and rude things. But it's like I have an angel and devil on my shoulder, but the angel just sits back and let's the devil take over. Also about the empathy thing. It's like I only feel empathy if Im long removed from the situation and reflect over it. And even though my apologies seem insincere just to get back together with a mate, it is sincere because I was left alone to sit in it and reflect. I just wish I could have self control. But I'm always feeling like a victim. It's like, well I lost my dad at an early age, my mom has became an abusive alcoholic after he dies, she remarried an abusive psycho I and was mistreated and bullied by peers in school due to being a quiet anxious kid. And now it's my turn to be number one and get the respect owed to me. But deep down I know it's not everyone else's fault. I just want to be ok with myself and not need to fish for compliments and remind people they aren't better than me even when they don't claim to be. I want to be a legit good dude.
The mere fact you’re reflecting on it is a good thing, my mother is a vulnerable narcissist but I know for a fact she’d never admit to having some symptoms
@@nathangordon4891 thanks for that comment...I was thinking the same thing. A VN will never even utter a self- exploratory question or admit the possibility that anything could be amiss with the VN. I think we all have traits like this sometimes... but VNs are like that all the time, and they believe in their own self-perfection at all times.
Judy Lee I totally understand where you’re coming from, and do not blame you. It’s just for me, Dr. Grande’s content is so valuable, there otherwise would rightly be a charge for services for such consultations, for it not being available here. So the least I could do is suffer the ads on a clearly monetized channel which is of value to me/us.
I've just started premium but I'm wondering how well premium actually consider content makers? I'm going to be paying for various things over the next yr as I find the right fit with my smart voice products...
I'm blown away. I can't believe how accurately this describes my ex husband. Previously I suspected he was something of a narcissist but it didn't quite line up with his behaviour. This is it. Having to co-parent, I still end up sucked into this tennis ball game. I criticize something he did to the kids, he launches a verbal assault to wound, jumps to other sensitive topics, denies abusive episodes from our marriage, calls me the lunatic, shows my feedback is unimportant by bragging about something that makes him superior to me. Thank you so much for helping me understand what his motivations are.
This description fits the Covert narcissist well.This type is a real Jekyll and Hyde character, I have dealt with a few. The worst one of them has some sadistic qualities so I pegged them as a malignant covert narcissist.I wasn't sure exactly what I was dealing with as they could act overt in others company,as in not wanting to be ignored but the pretend shy was still there.Of course that is the coy charm they show to seem attractive to people.They are always on the lookout for new narc supply.The dumb act they put on sometimes is intentional to make them look like an innocent victim.There is so much more to this sly person.Good video.
Yes, it does from my experience also. It took me awhile to sort out the behaviours that you called qualities 🧐 Sadism reared it’s ugly head occasionally and I refused any contact when he was Dark, then he exhibited extreme paranoia each time I pulled away. The coy and shy/sly seemed to always be there even when he became aware that I could see right through it all. I only came to the ‘malignant vulnerable’ and ‘psychopathy’ conclusion today after an accidental meetup. It’s all so sad really. I wish I had Dr Grande’s professional detachment on hand at times.
@@healyourselffirst8824 I think that these malignant covert narcissists are the most damaging to be around.All narcissists do a push and pull thing to their targets what they call the mean/nice cycle.Learning to emotionally detach from these dysfunctional people is necessary to keep some peace of mind.Unless a person has been on the receiving end of a narc they can have no idea of how bad it can be.Keep well.
Im a vulnerable narcissist but not a lot of people admit that. Its a healthy sign to know what you’re dealing with and if you’re trying to solve it. I’ve had childhood trauma, so it is somewhat related to it
You just explained my entire life. Now that I have a better understanding of myself, I can get the effective help I need. I’ve been asking myself forever why do I feel this way? Why do I act this way? Why do I push everyone away when their not giving me what I want or not acting the way I want? I’ve been asking myself for so long. Thank you so much.
Just want to express my deep gratitude for this great video. So accurate and clear, it literally saved my mental well-being. I have been suffering from CPTSD, anxiety and severe depression for over 2 decades (with CPTSD misdiagnosed as BPD in the first decade). I began to suspect that my mother is a vulnerable narcissist at some point, but the information I found online (there’s much more on GN than on VN) didn’t quite match her behaviors. Then, I found this video, and she actually got 10 of them. This explains a lot, makes me see the cause behind my CPTSD, and help me deal with years of self-blaming. Before this, I always think I’m a “real evil” person who blames their mother for their own problems (as she made me believe). So, thank you, and thank you.
I love that Dr Grande has many subscribers without using any crazy transitions or cuts, he just get his audience with his pure professionalism that you can’t simply fake and I love it! Thank you ahha
Wow. When you talk about vulnerable narcissism, it sounds like your saying word for word things my ex has said to myself or others. Its shocking! Thanks for your amazing work. 🧡
@@yeetyeetyeet1967 It's because he dumped her, not the other way around. She was getting plugged right up until they day he told her to F off, and now she's on vids like this crying about her ex and acting as if she's in the right.
The vulnerability of narcissists is much clearer to me through this video. It has erased my confusion that how traits of borderline, paranoid, and grandiose time after time come up with a particular narcissism. In fact these are the red flags to distinct a vulnerable narcissist from other types. Thank you so much Dr. Gundry.
Married and divorced from a covert narc.. Your description is spot on. Especially the blame shifting and false accusations. We're divorced and I am trying "no contact" even though we have a son together. So without me as a target, he goes after, for example, my son's teachers! Interesting dynamic.
@collars and cuffs Because people don't require a psychiatric assessment of a possible mate in most cases. They marry, and at times a child is born into the family before the person realizes what kind of mate she is dealing with. Doesn't that seem like maybe it happened in Nedra's situation?
The sickest I ever felt was when I realized I was encountering a VN...... I found out I would not get closure, so I took it myself. I ended the relationship and cut off all contact. Being around them makes me sick. I refuse to play with their insanity. They can be alone for all I care.
@Javier Donut Hi Javier. Please talk to your doctor. A lot of what you're feeling could simply be down to chemical imbalances in your body. Please reach out to a professional.
GOOD FOR YOU, focus on making your life better, they can choose wether its with or without them. You set your boundaries. I would very mich recommend the “without them” option.
The reality thing is soooo spot on. I used to always say like this isn’t realistic or how reality works. And they literally would be like idc it’s what I want. “I have the right to be selfish and uncaring if it gets me what I want”
You just painted the picture of my WHOLE life of me being married to my VN husband !! This is him almost to a TEE !! He shows 9/10 of these behaviors !! Meanwhile i think im paranoid now so I will talking to my therapist about it who i will actually be seeing today 😁. Thanks again Dr Grande !!
Dr. Grande, this was a very informative session. I especially found the tennis ball blame shifting analogy very fascinating. I am married to a covert narc for the past 17 years and your 10 points validate his disorder to a T! Thank you💛
4:19 - Blame shifting, False Accusing... 6:27, Then Playing the Victim, 7:32 Claiming to Have Memory Problems, 8:48 Bringing Up A Sore Topic on Purpose, 11:15 - I have a need to that you're not meeting and I need to recognize that need without telling you what it is.
It's the garden of resentments. Lundy Bancroft. Let's say a couple goes to dinner 2 weeks ago. They had a good time. Then, he's mad about how SHE got the attention over him for 10 minutes. He'd been nurturing the bratty anger that whole time. It might lead to physical abuse or murder, too. StF AWAY from these types. Parents w Emotional Immaturity are the sort to pee on your parade. So, tell them NOTHING.
“I have a need your not meeting and I need you to recognize this need without me telling you” Try getting this Before the first date, and all through Instagram posts , cuz.”they won’t call you”.
Having anxiety and often being unable to express negative feelings I was super scared I could be a vulnerable narcissist but after watching this I feel a lot better. I have issues don't get me wrong but it's now clear to me that this isn't one :) This was more helpful than you know. Thank you Dr Grande!
I think I may be a covert narcissist. I will be seeing my therapist soon and I don't want to be like this. Is there a way to turn not be this way anymore? Am I doomed to be a covert narcissist if it turns out that I am one? Some of the thoughts that you had mentioned are exactly what I think. It's very embarrassing to admit but I need to come face-to-face with it. I don't like having these thoughts because I believe them to be a hindrance to interpersonal relationships.
Hey same here! I might or might not be a covert narc but I don't think this is a life sentence, maybe more of a huge set of behaviors, patterns, and modes of functioning that can be changed. The desire to change, daily self-reflection, self-compassion, therapy, and tons of weed (lol) has helped bring about the awareness I was lacking. It hasn't been easy and some days changing feels so overwhelming that I want to give up but the feeling passes (not always as quickly as I would like but, eh, c'est la vie). It sounds like you're already on the journey to change! Keep strong and know that the journey is worth every bit of effort it requires.
As you are ‘Seeking Enlightenment’, that’s a pretty good thing 😊 Vulnerability is being present, however that feels to each of us. It’s easier to heal in a nurturing environment 🙏🏽🤗
I'd suggest doing activities that grow empathy in you. The empathy and virtuousness in covert narcissists I've met is very fake. They say/do/think of those good deeds only for their own "happiness", to add more points into them. People with empathy do it for their happiness as well as for the others' happiness.
This was a great way of describing the behaviors of a vulnerable narcissist. By telling us the thoughts behind their actions, it's more easily understood. If you simply list the traits of this disorder, they can seem very different. Almost a depression or sad state of mind, with no 'ill will' or meanness on their part. You cleared this up for me, nicely. Thank you for this excellent analysis.
Hi :). I seem to identify with the "depression or sad state of mind with no "ill intent"" part that you mentioned. I've been trying to figure out whether I am a vulnerable narc. There are parts of this video that I do unfortunately relate to. I was wondering if you could give me more insight on your own observations of people with this disorder?
Dr. Grande, you entered your field to help people. So I want you to know, you've saved me with your videos. I'm not out of the woods, just seeing things clearly for the first time.
Hear is also what I learned from narc husband. My husband is a vulnerable and grandios when it serves him. 1. Changing how invents happened 2. Doing you wrong first and then play victim when you decide to treat them the same. 3 play push and pull game in order to their need to act like single when they feel like it. 4. Focusing on your reaction to your abuse to make you feel bad for just reacting 5. Controlling all the dates and even the sex 6. Super nice to other women while ignoring me for long periods of time in front of them. 7. Pretending to be loving in front of important people like church members or school system or doctors. 8. Pretending to be an abused victim in front of doctors by making comments that suggest they are being abused.
I am a vulnerable narcissist to a T. It makes me sad, but it's the way I learned to be and it's very hard to break thinking and behavior patterns in ones 40s.
same here (39). I found myself in a lot of descriptions in the video. But maybe i am just blowing it out of proportion... I feel really gifted, special and kind of smart, but then again I am very stupid and super basic too. I think it has something to do with overly religious feelings as a child (being like an "angel", etc etc) and also with the need for people to really "see" or get me, without me telling people and appearing rather anti social. I also tend to say "sorry" all the time for the tiniest things. It's so annoying.
@@deelovedbytwoxxo8841 Narcissism is a disorder. It's good she realizes she has a problem, that's the first step towards treatment. Most narcissists don't believe they have a problem.
Sometimes I think it’s because humans have a much larger cerebral cortex than other organisms proportionally. That’s way we are complicated and have mental disorders. Animals are like food, shelter, offspring, safety? Good.
i suspect who think like this are actually just awful. one's affinity for dogs doesn't automatically make them an awesome person who also judges others lmao
I’m pretty sure I’m not a narcissist, but one time I said something so horrible in public, that my mind balked, and completely purged the memory of even the thing I said. And there I was, everyone staring at me, shocked, and I couldn’t even remember what I said just a second before. Blackouts are real😳😳😳
Yo I can’t front this guy is nothing short of genius under this umbrella!!!smh his ability to convey in such intelligent clear manner is amazing!!all others have been seemingly all over place and leave you the job of organizing their research and information!
I recently discovered my dad is a vulnerable/covert narcissist. Finding your videos is really helping me cope with the emotional abuse that I never knew was happening. Thank you for breaking down the delusions - the dad to daughter cold shoulder is exactly what I experienced for at least 8 years.
I feel like I am a recovering narcissist, like someone who recovers from other toxic substances. I don't believe people change internally, though we can identify, prevent, and modulate outside behaviors. It is a monster of toxicity, insecurity, and negativity inside of me. I watch videos like this to remind myself of things I've done or am capable of. I often warn people I meet of my tendencies, and I try to be as honest as I can(though I often overshare). I often fear I'm a ticking time bomb, like the old tendency will win in the end. Thank you for reading if you did.
I recognise every one of those in my ex partners, and some in my mother, the original narcissist in my life. I can even remember (and my mother has told me tales) instances of these behaviors in my grandfather. A friend who’s husband was narcissistic (or possibly had NPD) is now struggling with some of these behaviors in her daughter. I am noticing more and more how narcissism can pop up across generations, it’s so interesting to think about the interaction between inbuilt constitution or genetic factors, and what is learnt from environmental exposure. I do feel that the ability of parents to mitigate against trans generational trauma is being hampered by technology (there is less genuine connection between parents and children) and we are looking at a tsunami of poor mental health. That’s why these educational videos are so important, thank you, as ever Dr Grande
Be careful to think more interaction between disordered parents and their children(us) would be better. Doing the "grey rock" and being invisible have certainly giving me my own share of bs to fight with. I fought all the "learned" narcissism somewhat successfully, albeit now resembling a failed narcissist, because there is no context for how it's "supposed" to be. Now, being used to fending off the hordes of npds in the unfortunate circles i've ended up in, proves to be alienating for "normal" people as well, since ofc they see "grey rocking" as the schizoid anti social response. Digressing - technology is amazing, like having access to videos like this, but used in the wrong way, the instagram, snapchat and reality show generation, its intensely damaging if any of that is taken as normal. It would be imperative to teach young people and kids, that those behaviours are anything but normal. Narcissism is portrayed as the new normal in anything mainstream/tv/ads whatever today(since catering to the ego(overt) sells, or making you feel better/smarter in case of reality shows. Clear cut learned narcissism) The mimicking on its own, for non-narcissists(undeveloped young minds) are extremely damaging for generations to come already. It was bad 10 years back, but with smartphones, its next level insanity when they hit sexual maturity from what i have seen
So glad that I found your video! My mother is a vulnerable narcissist, and I have been afraid of walking down the same path as her. I have looked up so many articles, and always match some traits. I started more researching out of pure anxiety, then I found your video. Thank you for explaining motivation narcissists have, and I can finally convince myself I am not just a copy of my mother. Thank you so much for clearing my mind.
Yep. I used to work for one. The workplace scenarios are spot on. Especially the credit- taking. She didn't just take credit, but made up stories about how she had "discovered" things.
After 39 years as a mental health professional, I concur that I was more exhausted dealing with the nonsense from my colleagues than I was from delivering care to my patients.
Crazy this guy nailed about 12 traits of my dad. My mom's losing her eyesight now and instead of doing anything to help her, he is immediately throwing her in a nursing home.
Spot on! You talked about my VN MIL. I can not believe there are many others like her. I spent 25 years doing kind things so she would like me and accept me into her family. She hated me more and more with every act of kindness. Now that I know about VN, I think it is funny that I never lashed out at her. She must be so frustrated with me. I am still with her son, 33 years married. He understands and loves me. We have an almost nonexistent relationship with her. She has turned some relatives against us. Their hatred towards us is extreme...so misplaced. I learn so much from you. Thanks a million, I mean a "Grande"! Hee.
First off, full disclosure, I am a vulnerable narcissist. I'm sure many of you won't like this comment for that reason alone but hear me out. There is a lot of hatred in these comments towards vulnerable narcissist's. I suspect this is because many have come here trying to explain the behaviour of someone in their life and then having found it used it as a place to vent; I think that's fine to do. However, please consider that it's a disorder and isn't done on purpose. I can point to the aspects of my childhood that made me this way and being vulnerable I can acknowledge when thoughts are based in a narcissistic mindset. It's not fun to have the disorder. It makes me suicidal, anxious and struggle with friendships and relationships. I know that another element of the disorder is asking for sympathy so I'm trying not to sway too far towards that. But please consider how the narcissist's in your life feel as well. Don't write them off immediately. It's hard to have sympathy for someone who would write you off in an instant. Get them help, give them resources like this video. Then when they refuse to do anything you can leave them. This argument is impossible when it comes to full on abuse from vulnerable narcissist's. If you're in this situation get out and worry about yourself.
I'm some kind of narc too. Thought I was the covert variety too, but my antidepressants are making that difficult to ascertain - i.e. I've become more grandiose. I know how I feel on a regular basis, and that lines up perfectly for NPD, but it's less clear how I act. I get the impression that I am popular, but I hate all my fans because they annoy me. No worries, mate. Even if the neurotypicals can't understand us, we can still look out for each other. (Still wouldn't enter into any pact though; you know the nature of narcissists and how we are ultimately loyal to ourselves...)
As someone who grow up with NPD/BPD people and who have all kinds of disfunctional stuff in mind i want to say that i get you! Also as long as you guys aren't malignant it's ok. What i've notice in you people and me it's that NPD are sinonim for humbleness. You maybe get used to please your feelings with fake and superficial stuff it feels enough but keep in mind just because it feels that way it doesen't mean it is and it's realy what you need. You are not superficial, don't be ashamed, you just used to less and it's sad. It's both strenth and curse. I'm sending hug to all good people out there, wheter they have NPD or not.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful voice. I don't believe I have narcissism, but I was diagnosed ADHD many years ago. I just wanted to say I found it encouraging when, after indicating some of your own struggles, you did your best to reel it back in and say that you know asking for sympathy is part of the disorder. I can relate to the difficulty of trying to communicate honestly, and trying to figure out how to say something without letting your disorder hijack what you're doing. We have to reign in different tendencies which are hurtful to those around us, but I can't help but feel a camaraderie with you in our struggles to reign in these different parts of ourselves. Take care, friend. Keep fighting the good fight!
Thank you for sharing your experience in such a heartfelt revealing way. It means a lot to those of us not being judgemental but appreciating the trials and tribulations of one’s past. You give me hope 🙏🏽🤗
You just described my mom to the T. As an only child, with no stable father figure because she would remarry every 4 years, she had me believing for decades I was a terrible son for not following the path she already had planned out for me. It was a horrible way to grow up. I was looked at as a product instead of a human being. A way to show off to her friends and if I went against the narrative she would tell everyone how awful I was to gain sympathy. With your help I was finally able to see what was really happening. Thank you. I wish I could help others who may be suffering from narcissistic parents because it really is a big problem right now. These children do suffer tremendously. Peace to everyone out there.
Thank you for this series of videos. I believe I have a vulnerable narcissistic mother and with every video it just validates - I'm not the crazy one. I have cut ties with no contact but she still calls, sends things (which I give to my children, letting them know where they came from) which is so hard. I don't feel I'm ever going to get away from her grip. Trying to stay strong for my family and not have that in our lives. I just want peace.
someone I know, when being confronted with a bad thing they did ALWAYS does either: "I can't deal with this problem you have with me right now because I'm ALWAYS besieged by all these other problems I'm trying to deal with" or "hey, instead let's deflect to some terrible thing someone else did to ME that we can "be mad at THEM - them not being present-" together!"
"I never thought you would stand up for yourself so now I need to come up with a strategy to extricate myself from the respinsibility.." So they read a book on codependency and start calling you codependent and blaming you that you are the problem and it's because "you're codependent." This happend to me.
My experience it's with someone who is psychologist. Just imagine all the illness "detected" on people that were made by this person. Even normal behaviors was considered by this person as "a trauma" haha
Well, if you were married to them or with them longer than .4 seconds, they're right. Go read the same sh*t. You'll see. No sane person would tolerate their BS.
My ex had "memory loss", he was so convincing that even his therapist believed him. The therapist said he had memory loss because he smoked pot when he was a teenager. The therapist had him start taking notes and recording conversations. Made him even worse. SO glad that you did this video. THANK YOU for the knowledge, typical garden variety behavior!
Yeah, the classic "I have great memory when it comes to stuff you did, but I can never remember doing anything foul." To me that is something to look out for. When people "dont remember" doing something messed up instead of denying it.
They doctor shop until they find one that agrees with them. If not, they fake it until someone finally agrees with them. My ex husband ate a PB&J sandwich before going to get tested for high blood sugar. If that explains anything. To prove he is diabetic? For attention? I don't even know.
My mother is a covert narcissist rather she has high traits on the spectrum. I found this video to be most helpful for trying to decode some of her irrational illogical accusations, thoughts and behaviors. Thank you! Good job 👍
Dang, Dr. Grande, you're just GREAT! One on the absolute best on RU-vid! Awesome that you provide documentation (cites) for your topics. You're better than a Harvard graduate and present information so clearly, concisely, and pleasantly that I watch every video of yours over and over. You're doing so much good for others suffering Narcissistic Abuse.
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by *Metaspyhub@gmail. com* have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.
My wife is a covert narcissist which I only just recently discovered by accident although the signs were there right from the beginning. I remember saying to her years ago, you are like a shop window full of desireable goods but when you go into the shop there no stock, totally empty. I took her mask off and I believe I wittnessed a Narcissistic Collapse, it was like a scene out of the Exorcisit. What was very interesting was that I had access to her FB account which I could read all her DMs, WOW that is all I can say, they live in their own delusional world. Yes she was having multiple affairs which she caught 3 stds, she kicked her oldest son out on the street over such a trivial matter and has had me arrested multiple times. It seems that she is in self destruct mode so my reponse has been to do nothing, when the enemy is in the process of destroying themselves, do not interfere. She has been trying hard to find a new primary supply but at 44 years of age all she can get are situationships. It is very amusing to watch these charactors playout.
This truly is supereducational. Ive learned more from the internet than I have through any form of therapy Ive ever been in. And its free! Doesnt get any better. THANK YOU, Grande! Ive had one of three in my life for 3,5 years and I ended up bedridden in heartfailiure and nearly passed. Close to EVERYTHING you say in this video I recognize from saying he's the best at the office and that the coworkers are lazy and lets him do all the work while they do nothing and that he was the least paied at the job to having memory problems and "I dont remember saying that" I called his office and told them he was doing drugs and expected not to be believed (I had to, he went to work high) bc its hard to believe that shy little guy is a drug addict but good god, they not only believed me but said before I had the chance to his name and then "Ah, yes there have been problems around him" So I can only imagine what damage he's caused in that office, they basically sais they wanted to get rid of him and just needed a valid reason and this would be it so they asked e why I hadnt called earlier as in "We could have gotten rid of this guy earlier" he would also show me his bank accounts and how much money he had saved. i thought it was bc I told him I had been hit on by this rich dude but maybe not..since they do this to show how great they are. What a tasteless monster. I had a psychological crisis due to longterm psycholocal abuse according to the citys mental emergency room I called and his job wants him out, his ex doesnt want him back and tells him to move on (he ofc refuses to leave her alone) and reporting him to the police didnt help, he was at my door only 3 months later. Now he's in narcissistic hibernation aka selfpitying in depression bc noone wants anything to do with him except his druggie friends. But just wait, I'm recovering and when he comes next time I will INIHILATE him. If he thinks he's bad off now, he hasnt seen a thing what goes for narcissistic injury. What a little MONSTER! No wonder he in the beginning told me "Im broken" bc he really is. He's not even functioning, he lays all his free time on the couch self pitying and doesnt want any help for it. NASTY person, euw!
Wow thank you so much Dr. Grande for your incredibly informative and helpful videos on the vulnerable narcissist. In particular your video on v.n abuse was so helpful to me after a relationship with someone I suspect very strongly was a vulnerable narcissist. Of course I'm not a medical professional so it is purely speculation. But regardless of if my partner was legitimately a v. narcicisst or not the abuse your video described was something he engaged in most of our relationship. Your video really helped put "a name" to it and was really validating and insightful. I appreciate your time, effort and knowledge of these important topics regarding mental health. Thank you!
Wow! 14 years of my life. 😮 I took a lot of blame and shame for years. Clarity is enlightening. Sad I endured and believed it but happy this video is here. I am grateful. ❤
Can you talk about when a vulnerable narcissist intentionally or subconsciously villainize people that they perceive to be a threat so they can be a victim and gain sympathy from their desired person and alienate these people from their desired person so that they can isolate them?
I think my ex believed something was off. He once told me: “I know I love you but I don’t know how I feel.” It was the most confusing thing I heard. He definitely demonstrated 8 of 10 of these behaviors especially blame shifting which I always called him out on but he would always deny it.
Narcissists know what they are. At least. That they are different. But. They are people too. They wish to be understood. Unfortunately - They are Dangerous and Detrimental. Damaging, Disempowering, Critical and Destructive. I/You cannot help them.
@@lollylightning we want to believe the first part of the statement however the “but” negates all of it. Mine is the type to recycle through ex lovers and female friends than to have a revolving door of new women. He just texted yesterday after a year of no contact. Why? Likely because his birthday is approaching in two weeks and he’s probably trying to see who he can hookup with for his birthday. 😒
I finally ended a friendship with a woman who suffers from this disorder. She revealed her true nature once I allowed her to be my Roomate. Even so, I made excuses for her behavior. I finally realized she was already making plenty of excuses for her own life, and didn’t need my help. She asked me for a huge favor and I finally said no to her. She unleashed a barrage of verbal abuse and hung up on me and I have not heard from her since. I should be offended that she ended a 3 year friendship this way but I’m elated because of how easily the problem was solved!
So interesting! When my adopted daughter would get in trouble, I would try to find out how she connected the dots, what was her thinking. She would tell me mom, I looked around and saw how everyone was so happy and it's not fair that they had this good life and I didn't get that. She had severe trauma when younger. So sad. She would act up so they would feel as miserable as her. She wanted to draw them in to her pain like it gave her a sense of relief.
I am an adopted person and I recall being a self-harming, miserable teenager who thought it was so unfair that others were happy, had families they actually belonged to, etc. Now as an adult I am pondering all the ways I self-indulged in my misery and desperately sought after validation.
Thank you so much for the delineation of vulnerable narcissistic behavior. I have been married to someone with this and my perspective and emotions have become confused. I am starting to untangle this and realize how abusive he is psychologically and emotionally. He lies and is revengeful quietly.
Also not skipping ads for Dr Grande's videos. Every other (beside Earthen Vessels) really works up a kind of enmity against the narcissist. It becomes a frenzy and is not constructive. Dr Grande brings understanding, even walks in the narc's shoes to understand their ways. Wonderful, thankyou Dr Grande
My mother is a blame shifter. she was my manager at work, and I watched her put hot peppers in someone's food because she thought he smashed her pastries she left in the office. she put dead locusts in another employees bag of clothing because she thought she was a sleeze. my mom is the Regina George of my family. I haven't talked to her in almost 3 1/2 months and I've never known such peace in all my life. I hope I never become her I want a healthy successful life and a healthy relationship. I never want to treat someone the way she treats people.
My roommate is a vulnerable narcissist. She bullies me a lot but then I feel crazy for reacting. It’s so hard, and I am not sure how to “win” and put her in her place because I am tired of having to just brush it off.
I got tired and had to stop listening half way through... This is a really great insight into the perspective of a vulnerable narcissist. I grew up with it and now have to fight it in myself every day. Journaling and being honest about my feelings with both myself and others really helps.
Thank you for making this video.'m depressed/anxious/OCD etc. So I was really beginning to think i was a vulnerable narcissist. Yet I don't do any of the blame shifting or avoiding issues by claiming memory lossand trying to do anything to hurt anyone. so I'm realizing that I might just have the traits of as someone who has PTSD rather than vulnerable narcissist.
Wow. My ex had high covert narcissist tendencies( he went to the therapy) he would always say something is off about himself but didn’t know what it was/ feelings and he felt uncomfortable.
A refreshing perspective from their POV so we can have a better understanding of their fucked up thought processes. Thanks for yet another awesome insightful video unlike the others
Concise and accurate! I can't help but wonder if those people have no point of reference or if they are even capable of understanding normal human emotions, if they can see the damage they are causing to those who love them. This is coming from first-hand experience of attempting to cohabit with a BPD comorbid vulnerable narcissist. They probably have to live in one non-stop drama all their life and require therapists 24/7.