A different kind of bravery 

I saw an unknown quote recently. "To go fast, go alone. To go far, go together." And going fast and alone can lead to burnout so quickly. So much of how I'm connected to others helps me go far. In an age right now of so much excess information, I think so much about the bravery of adding space, personally and collectively, and trust to go far. Thanks for the reminder to add space for patience. My word for this year is explore and I have lotsa trips setup. It's going to require lots of focus and patience to plan and execute.

This is so timely for me. In 2018 I took it upon myself to leave home, and managed to get a place to live and full time job. I then got very, very sick with an intense flare up of a chronic illness that I was thankfully already in the process of being tested for, and had to leave that job and move back home because of it, all in the space of about 6 months. It was devastating. I chose to move out because, due to mental illness, I hadn't graduated from university on time, and I'm about two years (now three) behind most people in my graduating class. I'm not the sort of person who can maintain a job while attending school and do well in either position, and I felt like a burden on my parents. Being bedridden for two months made feel like even more of a burden to everyone around me. Ultimately, I think in our twenties we're made to feel as if we're constantly facing a series of crossroads, and that the direction we go will be the path that we must continue down for the rest of our lives. That's simply not the case. We have decades before us. I don't remember who it was that said something about how most people don't truly live, but merely exist. I would argue that mere existence is one of the greatest gifts we have been given by whatever higher power there is, whether it be God or the chaos of the universe. Allowing ourselves to just be is an invaluable thing; we don't have to be assembly lines of easily monetized, efficient activity.

This was so perfectly timed. I got the notification for this video today after spending the morning thinking about everything that I have to do and worrying that I'm not taking opportunities at the right time, or failing myself by not constantly going, going, going. Thank you for always hitting me with reality of self-expectation in such a relatable, and kind-to-yourself way.

Having to actually acknowledge having needs is such a jarring thing to get to. I have been living overseas by myself for the past 5 months as an exchange student, and it has kind of been a wake up call of sorts. In one way, being cut off from all my responsibilities back home made me realise that you know, I could exist as a valuable person without doing all of these things, that slowing down and holding onto these moments still made my life feel valuable. Another big part of it was that my support network was all back home, and realising that I couldn't push myself as hard because I was the only one here to pick myself back up (which was particularly hard with this being winter - I never realised that the dark and the cold was so constricting). tldr: thank you for the video, it's lovely to hear from you again and ongoing discussion about burnout is such a big thing

this was a necessary video. tying self-worth to our careers and to-do lists is setting us up to fail, and i have to admit that this holiday has knocked me out because i feel awful not having done what it is i had wanted to, and not reading enough, not learning enough, not socialising enough. january is a bad time so im looking forward to when 2019 really begins in february. then, we can get on with it.

Thank you for this video. I identify with so much of what you described and also have been struggling with - to let go of perfection, to try and stop seeking praise or affirmation from others that I’m doing well, to let myself make mistakes and let others help me. I recently faced a big failure, unlike one that I’ve ever faced before, and it’s really been eye opening to the bad habits and impossible standards I’ve been aiming towards. I’ve already spent some time reflecting at the start of the year so hopefully 2019 will be a year of big changes.

Thank you so much for this! I had an unexpected work break a few weeks ago and I did the same thing you did. I mentally and physically crashed much harder than I thought I would and then judged myself on how little I accomplished - even though I would expect the same rehabilitation period in anyone else. I’m not doing resolutions either, but I am picking a new habit each month to help derail all these burnout behaviors I’ve developed. I figure picking something tiny like trying to doodle everyday for 5 minutes (art is a huge stress relief for me) or going to bed at a decent hour each night might be both achievable and actually help me get healthier overall. Good luck to you in the new year!

I just finished grad school after going through one of the worst years of my life and I feel completely and utterly drained. I have no energy to do most things anymore and even with friends I'm just hazy. It's frustrating bc I've been going going going for the past 5 years and I got used to it and I don't know how to relax bc my brain is still going all the time. This video really resonated with me

"letting myself feel what I feel without judging myself" -- YES THIS. It's something I've also always kind of known about myself but just in the past few months have been trying more actively stop that cycle of thinking when I can (which is hard so its a work in progress). Love this video and glad to see you back

You have described me so well. I have just pulled myself out of a period of depression due to burnout. Thank you for this gem of a video

Hmmm. If i had to choose a big word for 2018 it would’ve been “Unsettled”, because at one point I was studying in Ohio, then working in Belize, then studying in Vermont, then working in Kansas, then moving to the UK to study here for a year. If I had to choose a word for 2019...I think my big word would be “Security”. I’ve had a lot of people and experiences slip me by because I’ve been afraid and insecure, and I think my goal for this year is to feel secure in myself and the space I take up in the world. Also security in the sense of feeling a sense of peace and security no matter where I am, unsettled though I may continue to be. I want to feel secure enough in myself that anywhere I am in can become a home. Beautiful video. Your voice and the way you talk things through is really comforting to me. Wishing you the best

Wow, the "learning to listen to what you want" really hit home. I'm in the process of picking internships and kind of deciding what type of job I want. And most of the time the positions I apply to are jobs that somebody else really enjoys, or pays well, or would be a secure one or sounds cool in a way society would approve. But I'm not sure I actually want them and confronting that is frickin hard.

i know this video has an important message, but i just wanted to say you look amazing in this video! the sweater and earings are so cute! on a seperate note, you always convey the most complicated emotions and feelings in such an intelligent and kinda beautiful way. i will forever be hoping that you write a book.

I relate to so much of this. I’m going through many of the same things in terms of trying to stave off burnout without really having accounted for the stopping distance (love that!) or even how to turn off the litany in my brain of what there is to handle, let alone all the meaning-making around who I am or who I’ll be if I turn it off. Thanks for sharing where you are at the start of this year and providing new ways of seeing of where I’m at too. Maybe I can direct the same kind of abundant compassion and incredible support I feel for you towards myself as well.

Ever since I got diagnosed with MCTD, I've been having less and less faith in myself. And its because I was always taught to directly associate my worth with how much I did. In 2019, I'm learning to change that. To value myself just as I am, not for how much I do. Watching your video made me realise I'm not alone in feeling this, and for that, thank you.

I really need to learn this/work on this too. In the wake of different mental health related setbacks over the past year I’ve put such enormous pressure on myself to do everything and perform at the same level as, if not better than, before I went through those things. And for what reason? To show the world I’m okay? To convince myself I’m not weak? I, too, need to let myself feel the things I feel without judging myself, and most importantly, actually allowing myself to rest. Thank you for another lovely and thought provoking video. Wishing you the best in this new year. 💛

This was incredibly relatable. I'm living abroad at the moment and after spending the week of Christmas travelling, I came "home" and spent the second week mostly with myself as a lot of my friends here were still away. I needed a break and rest but felt guilty on days that I didn't complete tons of tasks/errands. I'm going back to work tomorrow and part of me is looking forward to having more structure to my days again, but I'm also at a big transitional point in my life going into real post-grad adulthood and 2019 is terrifying for that reason. If I had a big word for this year, I think it would be "courage" to persist at beginning the career I want and to accept that I don't know exactly where my life is headed. I hope you are able to be patient with yourself this year-you clearly learned from your experience throughout 2018 so you're headed into 2019 with that advantage :)

I just read the Anne Helen Petersen article a few hours before watching this video, and I really appreciate that you made this video. Your thoughts seem to reflect a lot of my experience of 2018, and I think I need to join you in the focus on patience, especially with myself, in 2019. Thank you for making this!

Gosh, Rosianna, I really felt this one. I have also been in this repetitive cycle of not noticing that I was taking on too much and the corresponding feeling of a sense of pride that I could handle and accomplish so much and never stop. And it's just so not sustainable. This week I've had multiple conversations with friends and mentors about needing to stop being so high-functioning *all* the time; rather than preemptively try to fix everything and be more and more efficient, focusing on just sitting with what I have done. So this video just felt very timely. But I agree with you, it feels like a tremendous amount of work to turn that hyper-productivity dial down. I'm so glad you're recognizing when you're doing this, and giving some more awareness to helping counteract that. I'm trying to give some more conscious thought to it, too. Thank you for sharing your truly lovely and honest perspective, as always. A Gryffindor princess if I've ever known one

I put off watching this video because I knew that I would probably make me confront some things about myself that I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I totally do this to myself as well. I'm currently doing my Masters and so much of that is tied up in the need to feel like I've achieved my 'moment' or fulfilled that wretched word 'potential' - I definitely agree that secondary (and post secondary!!) school set us up for failure in so many ways with the ideals of achievement. Anyways, thank you as always for this -- looking forward to whatever brilliant thing you have to say next

I love this and it is exactly why I quit social media for the year (as well as John’s influence!) I have felt for so long that I was trying to present myself to the community as “look at me doing these things” and “look at me accomplishing and working hard” rather than working on the thing and moving on. We have set such high expectations and pride ourselves for minimal sleep and laughing off “surviving on coffee” when we have truly become incredibly unhealthy people, both mentally and physically, along the way. I think it is a great thing to slow down and take time with things you love. (As most passionate things DO take time.) I’ve also been using HeadSpace in the morning. It’s only about ten minutes long but it has been a great meditative start to my day. Best of luck Rosianna! I’m excited for our next Life’s Library pick 😊

Thanks for sharing this Rosianna. I think that fear of not accomplishing "enough" is something that I've been struggling with. My word for the year is consistency and I think that having just come back from a work trip in Nicaragua that had me feeling very much so in a routine I need to figure out what my routine is for the year and not feel guilt if I don't do a certain thing.

You're starting off the year with such clarity, and we all hope this year treats you kindly.

Thank you, this really resonated with me. I've felt guilty taking time to heal and recharge the past few weeks. Meanwhile I still feel 'behind' my friends who are applying to jobs and just generally happier than feels possible for me right now. But we're all different, and trying to fit an arbitrary goal into my life because everyone else is doing it won't help anyone. I think my word for 2019 is grounded, because I want to hold onto the stronger sense of self I found in 2018 while I figure out how to be active in my life without feeling constant anxiety over how others will see me, or whether or not I can do something. For once I'll try to try without first worrying about the outcome.

Thank you for this, much of it also echoed with how I'm feeling. I'm sitting in a guilty limbo right now where I'm beating myself up for "not working hard enough" on work projects over the break, while simultaneously "not relaxing properly" by reading, writing, socializing the way I hoped I would spend my time at home. I'm disappointed in myself that I'm going back to work tomorrow both behind on tasks and also not refreshed because I didn't fully disconnect. Not sure how I can find grace for myself in this tug of war of expectations, but it's something I'm working on.

This resonated so much, especially with the part about missing opportunities and taking longer to slow down. For me recently, the two have felt very linked, where it's difficult for my brain to realize we're in "rest mode," whether at yoga or with friends or even reading, and I'll feel it move very quickly very far away before I can get it back to what's happening. I'm working on realizing that just because my restful moments are 10% or 30% or even 60% not actually restful doesn't negate the whole thing. And that a busy brain doesn't mean I won't get a chance at similar moments again. It's all accumulating in a feeling I know I can still keep, if that makes sense. Anyway, I think you once mentioned that January was your least favorite month, so I hope you're doing okay. And patience sounds perfect. ❤️

There's so much in this video I connect with, and have been thinking about in the last few months, thinking about how to take care of myself. It sometimes scares me, because it feels like this huge thing, so I try to remind myself that I just have to take it one step at a time, just like I'm doing now, and that I'm doing fine. Thank you for sharing, Rosianna.

this was good to come back to, especially at this moment in time

Thank you for this video 💕 I had pretty extreme burnout from the past year and a half of working 12-14hr days, 7 days a week; but then I felt this weird guilt about my burnout because I felt it made me ungrateful for my job & experiences. I made the choice to take time at home for the holidays. It’s been nearly a three month break, and I am still struggling to shake off this “hustle & grind” mindset that gets me into anxiety spirals. I have to force myself to be mindful, especially at bedtime. I have to remind myself that getting into bed should be peaceful, not a time for hours of guilt based lists of tasks I could have done. 🙄 it is a damn process, man, but at least the process is happening ✌️

Rosianna your TIMING! What I found helpful in 2018 was in those moments where I felt the pressure to overload or let my anxiety apply pressure to a situation, I would repeat, Your mental health comes first. Your mental health comes first. Each time, without fail, I would have to make a choice that felt counterproductive but would actually wind up making the problem or task easier to complete, if not just a little bit later. That frustration with patience is a whole mood though.

I'm glad you're taking some time to take care of yourself. I went from needing to be super productive and social etc to becoming so ill I had no choice but to stop (mainly because I couldn't leave the bed). For the last 8 years I've had reteach myself that it isn't failing to need to ask for help, and it isn't failing to not be able to do something; I have to relearn this over and over as society teaches us that if, like me, you can't work and socialize and have a family, etc, then your life is worthless. I was ambitious but now I have to accept I no longer I have the option to be because I pushed myself when I should have stopped and asked for help. I don't say this to complain (though I do a lot of that too) but to remind everyone that this perpetuation in our society of having to do everything to the point of collapse just isn't worth it. Don't end up like me, it's the only thing I have left to say.

I feel like I needed so much to see this from an outside perspective,so thank you for being so open about this! I'd been trying to juggle work and being in college full time and trying to be present and all that and I only had one day off every couple of weeks and that was dedicated to assignments and the burnout got so bad so quickly and I feel like there's that feeling of you losing something or being weak or selfish when you try to make time for yourself.Phenomenal video,as always 💙

Felt very similar at the end of the year. Needed a break like I had never done before and appreciated having some time off back home so much. There can be a tendency to feel a bit despondent come December but at least the new year and a new start is not too far away

I relate so much to the burn out and lack of driving lessons. This video was so lovely thank you x.

I resonate so deeply with this. Thanks so much for talking it out and sharing it here. It made me see how I was doing the same (saying I was focusing on self care, but still making it hard and over committing.) Sitting down to see how I can shift that and add little guideposts to see when I begin doing it again. ❤️

So much of what you said is EXACTLY what I talk about with my therapist. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability ❤️

It's comforting to know that others feel the same way, ideally there would be a way to get over those feelings quickly, but alas, we are but human. You convinced me that I don't have to try to cross everything off the to do list, for today as a start, I'll keep it to the bare essentials as a day of self care. I hope patience is the right choice for you right now.

You always speak so eloquently about your existence and your thoughtfulness and it's completely appreciated. "The most important thing right now" I feel like that's the best phrase to adopt, not even just from day to day but from moment to moment. I'm rooting for you! It means a lot that you put yourself out there so honestly like this.

Happy new year to you too Rosianna! In my opinion sleep is the best thing ever, do all the sleep.

Thank you for this

Thank you so much for doing this video Rosianna - I can definitely relate to this, and I don't think I'm fully out of it yet, so this video was really great to watch! x

Happy new year, love! I feel you on this one. I have lots of thoughts which are still a tangle in my head on this topic (especially about what you said about your secondary school culture and how that’s carried through to your adult life in terms of self worth - I couldn’t agree more) but in the meantime I wanted to recommend journalist Anne Helen Petersen’s recent piece for buzzfeed about burnout and how it intersects with being a millennial. It’s a really good piece - though some of it slightly tangential to what you said - and it gave me words for some of the stuff I was feeling and thinking around all of this. Think you might like!! Cheering you on in 2019, and what better companion than Harry Potter every night?!

I needed to hear the message of this video, when I did. I have been putting off an important conversation with someone I care about. Things that are worth it require compassion. Patience. For others, especially ourselves. I cannot thank you enough for your voice over the years. I've grown alongside you, and am thankful for that.

Good luck with your 2019

I relate to so much of this. Best wishes as you move forward Rosianna! (And all of the compassion for the days when patience is incredibly frustrating, because it certainly has those. (Patience has never been one of my virtues, but I'm getting better at it. I hope.))

I got burnout so bad that I’m now suffering from a virus and I now can’t do anything but listen to audiobooks! This video was such perfect timing!

I relate to this video so much, as someone in her 20s living at home and dealing with various mental health issues. I do work (although I'm freelance, so work at home), and if I'm not convincing myself I'm a failure because I can't financially support myself alone, in a place of my own, then I'm convincing myself I'm failing everyday by not doing enough, even though most days it's work, work, work because I think it'll somehow get me out of this situation. Working hard and still not getting anywhere is a massive contributor to feeling burnt out I think, and to feeling depressed and anxious, and it's particularly affected our generation who were raised on the idea that working hard and constantly hustling will make you successful and get you the house and the money and enough to support yourself. When really, for most people, that is an immense struggle, and for people with health issues (physical or mental) almost an impossibility

I feel you. Be kind to yourself and have faith in yourself. You are fantastic just as you are. ❤️

I could not agree more, others resolutions and plans totally stress me out so I had to stop watching videos where I can tell from the title that they will make me feel bad. I will never read every book or learn everything about anything and that is totally ok..

You're the best, Rosianna. Thank you for being so emotionally honest-- I needed this!

Glad to see you back on YT. Your skin is looking radiant.

i'm in a really similar place! thank u for articulating something so ambiguous and reminding me to listen to myself bc there's a lot of different things going on!!

Ugh, can relate. Thank you for putting this into words for the evidently many of us who are feeling similarly.

thank you for being so vulnerable and open about this...that's a type of bravery i hope to channel in 2019

Thanks for sharing Rosianna!

I appreciate your (as always) incredibly well expressed sentiments so much right now. I'm feeling overwhelmed about starting my PhD in a couple of weeks and wanting to start a booktube channel but having no time or self-confidence to do so. It's stupid how much pressure I'm placing on myself to start now when it really doesn't matter what time of year I start.

I SO relate to this. Like, I think about this all the time because I am constantly burned out. And anxious. And having panic attacks. But it's to the point where I truly don't know how to relax. I have an hour before bed? Better clean out my email inbox! A meeting fell through? I must do these tasks that I've been putting off because I've been so busy. And even in my "relaxing" time, I find myself putting rigid parameters around things like reading. "I have to read 50 pages tonight." "I have to watch at least 3 episodes of this show." It's CRAZY how much I can't handle not having pressure on myself. But obviously I need to learn how to decompress and relax. So, this is a bit of a silly question, but: What do you do to actually relax?? Do you still do things like read but try not to put pressure on yourself? Do you do something else? I haven't quite found anything that's helped me much, yet.

I find I'm scared to stop doing stuff because I'm worried that if I stop I won't be able to start again. The idea that if you stop using something you'll lose the ability to use it in the future. Even though I'm constantly tired/fatigued I find it hard to do nothing and know when I need to slow down. Part of that is probably because 50% of the time if I push myself to do one thing I'm less tired afterwards but then the other 50% I feel worse energy wise. It's a bit of a balancing act but it's one that I'm getting better at for the most part. x

I needed this video so bad today. So glad to have discovered this video. I've just come from the video John put on the vlogbrothers channel. I really agree with the point about secondary school creating this ideal of over achieving that has had such a negative effect on my perception of myself......thank you for this. I needed to hear this so badly

a very very pleasant surprise to see in my sub box today! nice to see you, rosianna ♡

This is a really beautiful video that is so open and honest. That was my 2018. 2017 was the hardest year of my life and I just needed 2018 to recover and breathe and love myself. And it worked. I ended 2018 happier then I’ve been in a very long time and I know I can succeed in 2019 bc I have myself the time to heal and rest in 2018. Sending you the best 💖

omg I've literally listened to the HP audiobooks to fall asleep since radio 4 broadcast the first one on boxing day in like 2001 and I recorded it onto blank cassette tapes because I couldn't afford to buy it outright - and I had to go upstairs every 30 mins to change the tapes haha. I have the downloaded audiobooks now - about to listen to chapter 29 of Deathly Hallows after this to fall asleep to!

tbh I had to pause at around the minute mark because it's as if you're reading my mind about needing help. Will come back to this video soon, though!

I really should have suggested this back when your were still living in america - but there's lots of super helpful research and resources for expats about culture shock/stress when moving to a new culture and re-entry stress when going back to your passport country. It can affect your mental health and just overall sense of self in crazy ways. In case you'd like to look into those areas, I think it's one of the most helpful things to know that you, and your experience are normal. I hope you continue getting good rest! =]

Definitely rings the bell with me. Thank you for talking about this.

Good to have you back. Keeping it real, as always.

What advice would you give to someone with a loved one who is experiencing burnout?

While the content was poignant and thought-provoking as always, I had not yet seen you with brown hair and I think it suits you amazingly.

happy new year! thanks for posting!

WOW. I identify so strongly with this. I hope I can listen more to and be more patient with myself this year, too.

Currently experiencing the "panic" you described myself after grad school where I'm doing all of these things like yoga challenges and book challenges because I now lack extreme work. This resonates hard. Good luck!

I See how you found Otto Krieger from the story 3 farmers going to a dance? Thank you I'm curious to find out what happened to him

I really liked this video. I resonates with what I have been feeling as well. Thank you.

I so need this video right now.

I love your hair color! And those earrings and the colors you’re wearing! (I’ve only just clicked on the video, and I had to say it before I’ve even watched it all)

Just saw you host the panel at VidCon - useful advice on monetisation

Somehow, you always know exactly what I need to hear. Thank you so much for sharing.

This was exceedingly helpful. Thank you.

Um, I feel like this video is relevant to my life right now but i just haven't internalized the message yet. I still feel like i have to keep pushing myself because i don't think i've done enough. May be i'm right or may be i'll have to experience burn out to really understand it. Wish me luckkkkk. Besos

you look cool! the sweater and shirt and the whole background and camera angle make everything look super aesthetic a few things! - i don't get the end-of-year burnout thing; someone elaborate pls - is the whole cutting yourself some slack thing crisis like, an identity crisis? i've never done a lot of things at once so i've never been able to identify as someone who does a lot of things. i've had an identity crisis with going from being the "smartest" person in class to like, being above average in grades and then having nothing left to identify as. is it similar? - about not knowing whether you want things or whether you've just picked it up from somewhere: so with tag urself memes and stuff, sometimes i don't really fit with any of the categories but sometimes i check a majority of the boxes on a category but i don't check one or two of them. so instead of just not identifying as the thing, i think "okay yeah i do that thing too" and so that thing that wasn't a part of my identity becomes a part of my identity because i'm not self-aware enough when i'm scrolling through the internet. is it that sort of picking things up? oops these are a lot of questions for one smol video but it was really insightful and i'm really curious bc i think i relate to a lot of it

Hi Rosianna, I just moved from Cali to Richmond and heard you might live in Indiana maybe? Anyway, looking to meet up with other local YTers to shoot the breeze on the biz maybe do collabs. My channel is on art and movies primarily although I did do some travel occasionally. Thanks!

Thank you. I really needed this. :-)

"one direction" *big grin*

everything that is in my head right now aaaahhh!

Thank you thank you thank you

Thank you for articulating 'this'. =) #relatable Arohanui, Helen xo

Absolutely relatable 😥

How does one even listen to HP-audiobooks while falling asleep‽ I neither understand the logistics nor the sense of that. … sorry to be glossing over so much of the video.

Hello we are the same person I love you. X

why you look so cute ! go girls!

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