I found out I was autistic in my 50’s. Diagnosed by a reliable professional. It explained a lot. It’s a relief to know why I have felt different my whole life. Nobody in my family believes my diagnosis. Now that I am “being myself” they think I am seeking attention and being bitchy. I have hated myself since childhood. Being unalive has sometimes seemed the only solution. Nothing has changed except now I don’t have the “what’s wrong with me” research quest to keep my mind occupied. I used to play the quirky, smart girl. Now I don’t have an identity. I have unmasked an invisible girl.
I’m so sorry you’re not being believed and supported in finding your authentic self. It’s so difficult to finally know why we’re different, and then just being left to figure out what that means and how to deal with it alone, but I do think the identitys we took on as masks hold a lot of truth of who we are, it’s a lot about finding the truth in it and what feels comfortable, and I do think we can all manage that eventually, but it’s a very difficult road.
This what I'm dealing with right now. I'm 16 about to be 17 (and a senior in highschool) and only recently got diagnosed. My parents are very loving and always suspected I was on the spectrum but I was diagnosed with adhd amongst other things so they never really bothered to get an Autism diagnosis but still I always felt different. Now that I'm diagnosed I've been thinking about things differently, trying to do things differently because I now understand why my past behavior was harming me and that sucking it up was not healthy. But because I have spent so long sucking it up and not knowing or understanding just how much effort it takes to do pretty much anything even eye contact or making sure I make a facial expression around others is what makes me so exhausted all the time. I never knew socialization was supposed to effortless, etc. I now understand and have a reason for things I could never explain or that I did and now I do. I'm not different, I just can't bring myself to suck it up and deal with everything like I have done for so long because it has destroyed me. I was in a mental hospital for a bit Junior year because I could not deal with it anymore, I couldn't keep up and put in twice the effort for half the result as my peers. Everything seemed so effortless to everyone else but everything is so hard to me and now I understand why. My whole life teachers told me "suck it up, deal with it because nobody is going to care in the real world." So I did, I convinced myself I was just overdramatic and overreacting etc because crowds, loud noises, bright lights, and so on was too much. The 40 minute periods to do work and learn around so many people and so many noises with so much to focus on has always been hard I just always ignored it, doing things in so little time has always resulted in me getting very little down and eventually a break down I just never had the words to explain it and if I did I ignored it and convinced myself I was lazy even though I love learning and during my good days I always participate. My mom said to me today when I tried to explain to her how switching between classes and doing work in such short time is hard for me she said "But that's the way its always been." She thinks I'm feeding too much into it, connecting my feelings and behaviors to an explanation I finally have. I feel like I'm expected to just continue to do what I have always done just because I can.. For a little while. Just because I can doesn't mean I should. I can't work like this and go to college and graduate like this without destroying myself in the process. Part of me wishes I was diagnosed younger because now I'm expected to just carry on and do this like everyone else because I've dealt with it for so long. I'm not more autistic I'm just tired of hiding and forcing myself to deal with things that I know aren't helping me. My older brother also has autism but we are not the same. I'm able to have a conversation and read the room well enough for it not to be noticeable that I'm struggling. I'm too weird to be normal and seen as mean, an a-hole, etc but I'm too normal to 'act autistic'. My brother is more noticeably awkward and struggles with socializing and social cues and making friends etc but he's better at handling stressful environments, workloads, and doesn't get as overetimulated as I do. However I can do okay socially but I can't handle as much stress or as many things all at once, I am more easily overstimulated, and more sensitive. They also love comparing me to my brother. "We didn't think (my brother) would drive but he is! He said the same thing but you'll get there eventually." But I'm not him, just the idea of driving makes me want to cry. I'm terrified but because he can do it then I should too! I just feel like the expectations of what I can handle have stayed the same because I have done it my whole life, and I hate that. I am capable of being successful, butbI disagree that I can do it in this environment. Sorry for such a long rant I just feel so alone, it's so odd from going to feeling lost and misunderstood because I felt like a part of me was missing to now having that missing piece but being expected to act like that doesn't change anything. It's like the answer is right there teasing me but I can't get to it.
This this this I LOVE this. I am experiencing this myself like learning that stimming can help me with that strange unsettled feeling I've never been able to name or quite pin point or help ease before. No doubt trying unhealthy things like drinking, smoking and comfort eating to subconsciously try to ease it. It is a deeply positive and healing revelation to learn these things. Amazing! And it's not "acting" is it, it's discovering ourselves and that is GOLDEN 💛
It is uncanny how similarly I have experienced and reacted to my diagnosis. Very helpful to have someone who can express themselves so clearly when discussing these weird quirks of late diagnosis. 💕✌️👏
I'm definitely glad you think I'm expressing myself clearly, I edit these sometimes and wonder if I actually managed to string a real sentence together 😂
Thanks for the great video as always. Greetings from Ireland. After spending most of my adult life hating myself and trying to cope and fit in, only found out I was autistic last year at the age of 31. It definitely is such a huge relief but takes a lot getting used to. At least now we can enjoy being ourselves and knowing we've plenty of other company who travelled the same sort of paths.
I think when we discover we are autistic we have a better sense of our strengths and limitations, what suits us and doesn't suit us. Because we understand ourselves better we probably do change our behaviour and act more true to our autistic self. That is less so for those who know they are autistic but are not "out" to those who know them as those people may still feel quite strongly the need to mask but even in their case they may act more autistic when by themselves or around anyone who knows they are autistic. You're right that there should be nothing wrong with this and everyone should aspire to be their true self. You're also right though that our true self (autistic or not) is often not appreciated by others and this means many continue to feel they have to mask or otherwise "fit in" at great cost to themselves.
I self-diagnosed a while ago and just recently I have started to try unmasking. I'm not sure if it's more exhausting masking or trying not to. I get tested next week so I look forward to putting it on display. 😱 I'm very surprised someone in the UK of your age has even heard of Alice Cooper!
Wow - amazing, totally love this. I heard Paul Micalef ('Aspergers from the Inside') say this recently and I wanted to share it..."Those that matter don’t mind..... and those that mind don’t matter" 🤩
You found out at a great time, the 20s are an easy time to figure out who you are as an adult as you're transitioning from the school years. I'm in my late 30s dealing with severe burnout and my wife gets upset that I've started acting more autistic since I recently found out I'm autistic. Part of it is certainly the awareness bias where you perceive something more often once you're made aware of it, and the other part is my mask and compensation breaking down due to the burnout, and only a small part of it is conscious like trying to discover my best stims.
You can say comments are never too long or rambling but there’s always me waiting to share when I can. I wasn’t diagnosed until 31, I did that Simon Baron-Cohen quiz online after watching embarrassing bodies and I actually thought it was a joke at first because of his surname but slowly the idea dawned on me that if I was autistic then all the problems I have had with depression and anxiety and social challenges like being unable to keep friends were not my fault, that was the biggest issue for me, having breakdowns when I tried work and college which my Dad in particular was an arsehole about and needing medication and feeling suicidal these things which I hated myself for suddenly might have a valid reason that I couldn’t get blamed for. The problem I then faced is that no one agreed that I fit these criteria. I didn’t know enough to argue for myself however my psychiatrist is a good guy and he said he didn’t think it fit me but he referred me to a specialist anyway so I got my diagnosis. It’s not like suddenly all was great but the sense of relief for me finally understanding that the problems I had were not my fault was amazing. I wasn’t aware of changing my behaviour but my family certainly were aware that the more I learned the more I changed. My Mam says that initially she was annoyed with me, like I was using it as an excuse for being difficult, but that over time she realised that she had never known the real me. It’s not stopped my family complaining when I’m inconvenient and getting them to learn more is like asking them to pull out their teeth without anaesthetic. However because my family has made some effort and changes for me it’s my understanding that I am absolutely one of the lucky people and that it’s not everyone’s experience of learning to live as an autistic person. Because I’m lucky when I come across challenging people I do have support to fall back on in my family who even when they complain I know they love me and try and do their best. It’s not exclusive to autism though l think it’s ableism in people in general. I am visually impaired and while I know it’s not as earth shattering as an autism diagnosis, when I was 19 I found out I had been going through life partially sighted and while we knew I couldn’t drive as my vision wasn’t good we were never told that it was that bad and I was assessed by a specialist and learned that I would be better off using a white cane and that dark glasses would be better for me. I also should have always had a magnifier for reading. I struggled through school, it was hell to be honest and it was always blamed on my mental health and basically me not trying enough. Mostly on me not trying enough. But on reflection I was working way harder than most people were, even just doing all the required reading which apparently doesn’t give everyone else migraine but I didn’t know that as I had had pain from being a baby, as I am extremely light sensitive a neighbour once threatened to kill me if my mam left me outside in the sun again, apparently in the late seventies that was considered a good thing for your child, it definitely wouldn’t have been good for me but my parents were struggling through life with me just like I was struggling and I can’t blame them for not knowing things. Now if you get a diagnosis you can get straight onto doctor Google and learn more things about your condition than you even need to know but while I do think that I and my family were let down by some health care professionals when I was a young child my parents did their best, actually my Mam did her best my Dad buried his head in the sand and I was expected to be the same as my sisters by him. I don’t think he was a bad man but he was not often helpful either. Anyway my family always try to make allowances and adaptations for my vision, it’s a lot simpler to learn about than Autism ever will be and I get great support for my vision impairment. I met a friend up with a friend shortly after I learned how bad my vision was however and she said has it got worse? I explained that no, I just hadn’t been supported properly in the past and she said so you’re just making a fuss then. It was completely dismissed as insignificant by her and to be honest I was quite hurt by that, she later also came out with “I work with a guy with autism and he’s managing fine, he just finds it funny getting people to do things for him that he can do himself” I would bet that he’s not doing alright and that it’s incredibly hard work to cope with full time employment particularly if he’s surrounded by people who think he could be doing more than he is doing. I don’t talk to people from school any more, while I am sure some would be great some are simply ableist and I have enough problems with my mental health without having to deal with that. Thank you for the video, it’s an interesting topic and thanks to anyone still reading I’m sorry I never learned to be concise.
Mostly just a comment for the algorithm. But I want the algorithm to see you because I agree with you. I spent a long time fearing I was Autistic, like it would be the worst possible thing, and I felt that way right up until I knew it was true. Now it is starting to feel like a massive weight off my shoulders as I drift back toward the stims I had as a child that I got forced to mask..
I remember a clear point in stimming as a younger teen and thinking, "why am I doing that" and all the other things that made me feel weird that I would do. I'm gonna just be me and feel better. I think holding myself in has given me pmdd.
Same with shopping, although for me it was more because I didn’t care about shopping and had better things to do 😂😅 and also my mother was insufferable…
I've only just found your channel and just wanted to say how much I'm enjoying watching your videos and how relatable they are, btw is that Mulder and Scully on the mantle piece behind you? 👽
Thanks, Dana, for your openness. After identifying my autism I gave myself permission to stim more, at least at home. Also, I found that I did not have the faintest idea who I had been all my life, and have to reassess every memory I have, The truth is, I have been a bloody fool most of my life, but I never knew it. This fact has been hidden by a record of achievement in the world of the Vanillas. One thing - you might find this very strange - I love the Shopping Mall. The sensory stuff becomes too much very quickly, and drains me, but I love the Vanillas, wandering around bumping into each other, and saying dumb things. I love them. It's like the movies, only with hot food. It's been years, but I'm still in the early stages of reconstruction.
I’ve known my daughter is autistic since she was really little but it took to age 13 to get her a diagnosis. I’m just “suggested” autistic. My psych doctor is pretty sure I’m autistic (but in my area, it’s nearly impossible to get an adult diagnosis). I had all the same issues as my kid growing up, and I still have them. It seems like MY symptoms and behaviors have increased since she got her diagnosis. I don’t think she’s acting more autistic, but she does seem to feel more comfortable with her own stims and how her brain works. She’s taken to laughing at me when she notices my quirks now. 😂
Hi Dana, thank you for your insights. Would you be able to share what stims help you? I rub my feet together and rock myself to sleep, I rock back and forth when I'm standing, I hum and sing a lot, I rub my fingers together when I'm concentrating.
I have a couple of videos all about stims if you fancy a loooong answer, but to condense them a lil for a comment, I do a lot of tapping my fingers together or flexing my fingers and hands while out and about or when I’m anxious. I like to sit with my knees pulled into my chest and rock if I’m especially upset or anxious, usually also flexing my hands/wrists. If I’m struggling to switch from one task to another, or feel really restless and like I need to stim, I like to put on loud music and have a totally unhinged dance, and that’s both fun and helpful! I’ve noticed I purse and bite my lips a lot when I’m concentrating, but I’m trying to stop that one because I only notice once my lips are starting to hurt.
