I constantly jump between "maybe I'm just ADHD and am not autistic", "maybe I'm just autistic and not ADHD", "maybe I'm just a piece of shit", and "I've obviously got both conditions, please stop gaslighting myself" depending on which things I'm struggling with the most that day/week. It's exhausting to constantly be invalidating and re-validating my sense of self, with no purpose in the endless endeavor.
@@artemisXsidecross I think you misread my comment. I'm well-aware the conditions are highly comorbid and am aware that I have both. I was explaining that I constantly gaslight myself into believing I don't actually have one or both.
I do the same flippity-flops but I have to admit it's more of a consideration than a problem - a bit like should I have that pear or the apricot, probably because I'm old and it doesn't really matter. It would have been nice to know when I was younger - boy, some things would have been a whole lot easier! Whether I have autism and/or ADHD, I have to admit that it or they have actually served me well. I have spent my life analysing and observing people, I launch into all sort of stuff - painting, programming, drawing, homeschooling, writing, gaming, sewing - and have a blast with whatever I get totally involved in for however long it lasts. Granted, I don't get much sleep, but sleep's over-rated anyway, right? So, basically, I don't struggle with not knowing. I accept who I am, the way I am, and my limitations. I expect that if I get a comment on my comment, it will be to inform me that I can't possibly be autistic or have ADHD. That's fine. I'm not sure myself.
Im 39 coming out to friends that I am neurodivergent, and non of them believe me. They say my unemployment and thoughts of suicide are just being lazy and not driven.
I think you could do with trying to find some better friends! Even without being neurodivergent, those are things to be taken seriously! Please do try to reach out for help, and maybe spend less time with people who aren't willing to support you
I don't know if it's impostor syndrome, but I do have periods where I kinda "forget" or ignore that I am autistic, and overexert myself. Then the reminder comes in the form of exhaustion and a need for days/weeks of taking it easy. During the exhausted period I also notice how much energy social interaction actually drain, at times having some unlucky situations with poor reactions/responses.
I second all of that. Like, I spend most of my time in my (parents) house, so I'll kinda forget some of my sensory/social difficulties, then I'll go outside and remember immediately.
I try to cope with this: When I say I'm autistic and I'm certain, that doesn't mean I don't have doubts sometimes (or all the time). But like in science, there's this thing where you say you're sufficiently cretain to say it is "true". So, based on my current knowledge, I'm sufficiently certain that I'm autisitc -> I'm autistic. Reevaluating this when new evidence is uncovered if fine. And even if it would turn out that I was in fact not autistic, I was not lying, Scientist didn't retroactively lie when a theory is disproved. Also, very important: If you aligned your life with you being autistic and you got happier and reduced stress and all, that is what matters in the end. Not if the label was 100% correct. Having that label helped you improve your life. I hope this helps somewhat?
I clicked so fast! I have been professionally diagnosed as autistic at 21, and still sometimes I think 'Maybe I over exaggerated during the diagnosing proces and I just need to get over myself'. And even when I want to start crying when someones vacuuming or I feel the urge to hit someone when they pat me on the shoulder, I think, 'you are just being a self fulfilling prophesy'.Thanks for the video :)
I think the experience we have telling people who also have neurodivergencies(mum adhd dad autistic) is that they strongly relate to traits and it can make us over explain and think that we are tricking ourselves into thinking something…invalidation trauma…the more doubt my parents showed the more I tried to explain
I can relate. Any time I'm not a total and utter failure socially, I start to doubt myself. Or when I manage to stay emotionally regulated or can handle some sensory stuff. But then I have those times when I'm having meltdowns, and I just can't do social interaction, and I still don't know how to make and keep friends... It's so hard to keep in mind that autism is a dynamic disability, so our abilities and capacity will fluctuate from day to day. That doesn't invalidate our diagnosis.
Relating a lot to what you say. I have been wondering for some years now and recently I got diagnosed. I thought the doubt would go away but alas it's still there to some degree and flares up whenever I succeed in something I am "not suppose to". I once found a checklist written by an autistic woman for women who suspect they were autistic, and as a man I found myself relating A LOT with the woman symptoms.
I’m definitely guilty of having spoken about ‘male vs female autism’, but I think it’s more that there’s a lot of different aspect to being autistic and they lead us to being autistic in different ways, and as with most things has little to nothing to do with gender.
@@DanaAndersen Oh yes for sure. And don't worry I get why you would have used male vs female autism. It's probably a bit more convenient to explain and I don't mind it.
Being someone who once upon a day happened to see a medical encyclopedia in my parents books, picked it up, opened it randomly and within half an hour was convinced I had polio, I struggle to believe myself that I have autism. The only reason I looked up autism is because I know someone who got diagnosed, knows me really well, and told me that I definitely was autistic too. So, I'm firmly planted in the I think I am autistic but I don't believe I am or I believe I am but don't think I am. My polio diagnosis springs to mind... oh, and by the way, I didn't have polio.... I think I probably would've noticed before picking up the book and also, I had been vaccinated against it, so basic common sense should've kicked in... but it didn't. About having a good time at dinners, parties, etc, I tended to dance non-stop and I realised recently that I probably did that because that way I didn't have to deal with anyone (also, music is great and I do like to dance, eyes closed so I don't seen anyone else). However, no matter what the event, I go there, have a good time, leave last because I don't know how to say goodbye, get home, get to bed and have a tremendous level of anxiety, going over what I did, what I said, etc knowing full well that I didn't say or do anything remotely noticeable (except maybe some awful dance moves). So perhaps your imposter syndrome anxiety is simply post event anxiety and you're assigning to it what you think is probably the cause. If you didn't know you were autistic, perhaps you would be anxious about what you might have said or done.... it's all I've got, hahahahahaha! Either way, it's horrible. I have come to the realisation that for me it's not worth it. If I have to go to some event, I will very carefully analyse the pros and cons, the benefits and the costs (emotional), and then decide if it is worth it. If it is something indoors where I cannot just leave whenever without disrupting, then likely I won't go, particularly if there are a lot of people there. If I am likely to be asked to say or do something, definitely won't go. If it is a sit down type of thing with one person explaining something, it would have to be irresistible and I would have to be able to sit near the door, oh and I would have to be able to doodle to be able to sit still for any length of time..... not sure this is still on topic, sigh! Oh, one more thing, and I think you actually said this, but just in case: if you were not autistic, you would not have imposter syndrome, right? so, when you get those thoughts, remind yourself of that. Imposter syndrome is actual proof that you are autistic.
It really is not a surprise that we struggle with this, because afterall alot of us have been told our whole lifes that we are "too sensitive" and "just acting up" and "just need to pull ourselves together" then when we come with this possible explanation we get told "you are just using it as an excuse" or similar....and when we finally get the diagnosis we still carry those voices with us....or even if we are "just" mostly certain even without official diagnosis, we have seen and we know how easy it is for people to fall for biases...things like "self fulfilling prophecy" and "self sabotage" and such being thrown around everywhere...which btw. is also yet another way to put all the blame on the one who is struggling... so in our minds, since we don't just accept everything as having one simple truth and having to question things constantly to understand everything into the deepest depths possible, it might come up in our minds that "we could be wrong" "we could be biased" "we could be missing information" "we could be missattributing information" etc. ironically this questioning of what we know, seems to be also a very autistic trait?^^" just have to look at how autistic minds react to questionaires XD
Thank you so much for talking about this! I was lucky enough to be diagnosed as a child but that doesn't stop the imposter syndrome. I wonder to myself if actually (contrary to modern understanding) maybe you actually can grow out of autism and I was an autistic child who turned into a neurotypical adult. I used to go clubbing a lot at uni and really enjoyed it with no ear protection whatsoever, I have a lot of neurotypical friends, I can even be quite charismatic at times, I seem to be oddly good at a lot of things autistic people are supposed to struggle with. I also think in the past year as I've started to learn a lot more about autism, I've become much more sensitive to sensory overload than I was before. I assume that's not true, it's just I've become more tuned into what my nervous system is telling me whereas before I ignored it. For the record I am autistic 😂
I can relate so much! I have to remind myself every day that my diagnosis is valid. I think it's hard to accept when you went all your life thinking (and hearing from others) how you're just dramatic, lazy and stupid. It's hard to accept and internalize that this is actually not the case at all.
Thank you for watching! I can’t find it right now, but I read another comment I think was from you with some constructive criticism regarding my titles and thumbnails, provided that was you, I wanted to say thank you! It was a really helpful comment that I think will really help me improve 💕
I am currently being assessed for being autistic. I am in my 50s. I became an expert masker by the time I was in my early 20s. Here is the thing I have learned about myself and masking, even if socializing isn't "natural" for you, if you do something over and over and over again it does become somewhat automatic. Autistic women watch others for how we are supposed to act. This starts really early. We have starts and stops with our social development, we make mistakes. But sooner or later if you do something often enough you get really good at it. I learned the hard way how to intuit what NTs are thinking and feeling. I care so much about the feelings of others it was easy for me to focus on other people to the exclusion of my needs and feelings. It is hard to put down a mask because my body has learned how to automatically adapt to a neurotypical social ecosystem. That does not mean I am not autistic. I used to go to clubs and listen to loud music all of the time. In some ways the music helped because I wasn't expected to hold conversations, mix the loud music with alcohol it becomes easy to see why some autistic people might love clubbing. Autistic people love to move. We spin in circles, we pace the floor, we flap our arms, we walk around on tippy toes. Going to a dance club gives us a socially acceptable way to stim. Of course some autistic people are over stimulated by loud sounds, but not all of us are triggered by this sensory input. Sound only triggers me when there are lots of other sensory inputs that are causing anxiety. I rarely get triggered by sound alone. On the other hand, lights can and do overload me. I have a lot of tolerance for many forms of stimulation unless I am already stressed, and then it becomes too much all at once. My sensory triggers are tactile. I can't stand to wear many different types of things. I can't wear tight things. I can't wear itchy things. I can't wear things that make me too hot. I can't stand to be too cold. I am picky about socks and shoes. I was a picky eater as a kid and there are still many things I will not eat because the texture is off. I don't like certain smells. Overly perfumey things give me headaches. I used to think I was allergic to them, now I know it is autism. I just wanted to assure you that autistic people could very much enjoy clubs. Sometimes autistic people actually seek sensations. This is why we stim sometimes. We like the way something feels, so it isn't just being phobic of some sensations, like music or light, some of us might like to look at certain types of light, hear certain noises. Vocal stims are a form of this for some autistic people. So go and have a good time. Enjoy your stims, no matter what form they take. If you like spinning in circles under a disco ball go for it! That doesn't make you less autistic. It might make you more so.
Thank you for the video! It is really helpful to hear and read that many of you go through this. I got diagnosed two years ago with ASD and ADHD. Since then when I see or hear something that could be evidence for me that "I make it up" or "it's just my trauma" and go through the whole overthinking process. Comments like "you are very welcoming" or "you are messy" make me doubt myself. What the clinician was wrong? I go through the past and them remeber the struggles I had. That the "being welcoming" is one part of my mask to now cause offense and be pointed out as weird. And it ends there, for example I would not let anyone uninvited into my house. It gives me the creeps just thinking about it. I wanted to share this, in the hope we can connect through our struggles.
Hi Dana, my imposter syndrome is what's (strongly) keeping me from seeking an official diagnosis. I'm functioning enough that I don't know that it would make a difference except for perhaps to give an avenue for friends and family to start understanding me a little better. And yeah I suspect I may also end up frequently question any diagnosis I may get there even if it turned out I wasn't... I see you're perhaps a fellow x-phile too judging by the poster and the blanket. Did you ever wonder if Mulder was also a little autistic (yes I know he's a fictional character but I've done so much research on autism, especially high functioning autism that I can't help but wonder....)
I’m the worst for just relating to or liking a character and being like ‘well I see an autistic trait so I’ve decided they are’, but it’s also always fiction so no harm and lots of fun! Mulder has suuuuch autism vibes for me, esp given his special interest develops in childhood and dude runs with it to the point of being in the FBI 😂 I loved Twin Peaks too because Ahent Cooper reminds me so much of Mulder, but with even more autistic traits!
It took me about 10 years of thinking about it before I actually went to my GP and asked to be referred to the Autism clinic and about 2 years later they said, Yep, you are autistic. So I am sure this is probably normal with autistic people. About starting to apply for PIP and my home support worker is going to help me fill it out. My home support worker is really great and has been helping me about the last few weeks(basically she is just a motivation helper) with starting to clean my living room area of my flat. She comes once a week and gives me tasks to fulfil before her next visit, basically sweeping, dusting, tidying up and putting rubbish in the bin. Don't know what I would do without her. I hate using the telephone. Is that normal with autistic people? I prefer face to face communication. Edit: I am left handed. According to what I have read if you are left handed you are 60% more likely to be autistic. And more likely to be transgender and or non binary.
Thank you for commenting, I’m so glad it made you feel seen! I promise there’s lots of people like me and better out there waiting to be friends with you 💕
This helped me a lot. Just that I am going to be the one who if she ever in a million years gets around to see a doctor about this is definitely going to be told she just googled some stuff that made her imagine things. Or something. But again, your video was very helpful and good for my soul. Thank you!
I have what could be imposter syndrome if I see someone who is very severely autistic and I feel/think this cannot be right I am nor like them it is not fair on them for me to be Autistic! But of course the spectrum concepts come in and realising there are degrees of all kinds of stuff. You say you went clubbing. I went to a psychedelic rock dance last night called Freak Out. I enjoyably freaked out to the noise. Today met someone in a cafe. Had to leave after a while because of the amount of noise from people talking. I can debate and chat with some academics but have had to leave/take a break from Autism social meetings because I became ill because of the chatty noise from the autistics.
I had this with ADHD, DSPS and ME/CFS. Sometimes I forget for a moment, that I'm on medication and how different the situation could be. I'm also more likely to question myself, when I'm tired and have memory problems. Being somewhat well rested and not stressed helps me against selfdoubt, because it helps to not only factually remember things, but also emotionally, otherwise, even if I know something is true, it can still "feel weird".
Adults who are nice and mature, NT or autistic do accept other adult's differences in a social scene. 💚 So a good social experience yes, is possible for us. Stay Special. Oh, and commenters that are trolls I feel need to write you about. A creator I followed soon after she/he started their channel. The first videos were fantastic for me who needs my autism exemplified to me to try understanding it. They were freely expressed, freely spoken, showing themself freely. Then she started closing themself down. No more full body shots, less freely expressive, even taking down great videos. That is exactly what trolls want to do to Creators --- they may be obvious or just that comment they crafted carefully to get inside your head which they are expert at. They make seemingly innocent comments, but note that they get to you, they get inside your thinking, and affect you. These trolls l o v e to make a creator become a talking head not showing much else, or close down the Creator's free way of speaking, relating. These trolls I'm sure celebrate when they get a creator to take down a video. She took down three vids very sadly to me, but I could see why, She read comments and took them to heart. She later sadly deleted almost all her first videos (she zoomed up to 65,000 subscribers) but that was hopefully not for trolls. Now she's in college and likely unable to find time to create or post. I don't want that to happen to 💚 you please. Stay the way you are, and please don't let commenters affect you, especially not to close yourself down. You are so beautifully expressive and free talking, please hold 💚 on to that, whatever the commenters say. Have a great day, and thanks for letting me warn you about what I hope you already know !
Im starting assessment process this week. I've suspected I was autistic for a year now, the imposter syndrome is so strong I feel physically ill. I'm hoping at the very least it will help. Sometimes I could be having the worse day, no energy, I cant do anything but lay ik bed and the imposter syndrome kicks in. It's like being incredibly ill and someone comes up to you and says "get up you lazy ass stop faking and coming up with excuse" Im not sure if the assessment will help but I hope it does.
I'm suspected to be autistic and ADHD and i'm referred for a diagnosis but it's a 2 years waiting list. It is really hard waiting. A doctor said to go on the assumption of autism and adhd after an initial assessment and my parents are convinced i am autistic, but I feel like all of the people on the internet who are autistic that i watch have all the traits, and that i am missing loads of them. The main one for me is finding socialising very hard, it's difficult for me to make eye contact, I can't do small talk or start conversations, and I don't have any friends. I am very distrustful of people and assume they are being mean or joking about me. I spent most of my Primary school years alone at break and lunch and that has continued into high school. I am also very obsessive with some things and i do get special interests and hyperfixations, and they're all i can think about lots of the time. But I wasn't late to talk, in fact, my mum says i was quite early. I don't have prolems with change, i sometimes crave change. I do quite like routine, but i could survive fine without it. I have some problems with some noises like dishes crashing, and lots of people talking loudly at once and when i was younger i hated loud hand dryers and i still hate sirens, but they feel like small things that neurotypicals hate too. I stim, but sometimes it feels like i'm faking it. It is very confusing for me, and i wish i could get a diagnosis sooner. I can't keep doubting myself for 2 years
I think that's one of the issues with making a medical condition into a diagnosis & comparing with a community who have altered clinicial criteria to be mild traits. Who admit that "pass as neurotypical" for decades. I have never "passed as neurotypical", have significant autism spectrum features since childhood & still come under threshold for ASD diagnosis ( even though score high in some tests). Regardless bipolar disorder & PTSD are still my priority diagnoses & affect me more.
another extremely relatable video a thing i'm starting to understand about impostor syndrome is that... i find myself questioning when *neurotypicals* who *don't know anything about autism* (or gender--i get this with being nonbinary too) are like "oh you're just imagining things," meanwhile any time i interact with another diagnosed autistic person who seems in every way *more valid,* they're really reassuring lol. it'd be different if autistics were telling us weren't valid, but it never is, is it??
I still dont know if im autistic or no, some of other peoples experiences align and some dont and i dont know if its enough. And im scared because if im not autistic then whats wrong with me? Feels like ill have to start searching all over again for somewhere i fit kinda... Doesnt help psychiatrist session costs a ton and lasts 20 mins. Like i have a big note on my phone and before in therapy i read one third of a note like that and it took an hour. So then im worried im gonna go and read only some of it and get misdiagnosed too. Or im gonna look silly because itll turn out im not on spectrum! And then i have like a whole list of things i might also have like adhd or ocd, anxiety etc so damn like where am i getting money for all these assessments u know? And is it even gonna be worth it? In the end i dont know if my future employer even gonna care about it! But id love to know, and find a community, only that im scared about all of that i mentioned, and i cant find a community even though i tried, even though i live in the capital there is no neurodivergent/mentally struggling young adult groups to talk, its all paid if it even exists :^) sorry its a long one! Again thanks for the vid!
Oh and im vegan too and its a big part of my identity and everything animal abuse related including food triggers me, so even if i find some kinda group i still feel uncomfortable to an extent talking to people and id rather not. But the need for contact with real people is real! Having friends online is great but its entirely different from real human to human real friendship contact... I think it applies to anything really
I don’t really completely understand the imposter syndrome because I never had a thoughts like that. Although maybe researching more about autism would help or talking to close people? Like then you would be like oh yep that’s me or close people can point out things to us that we don’t notice we doing. Or maybe not. I think that if someone really not feel that autism diagnosis describes him/her should check that maybe with few other doctors. One doctor claiming that you have or don’t have autism or any other medical diagnosis doesn’t mean that the doctor is right. They really don’t know many things and they are just flawed humans so I wouldn’t build my whole life on opinion of one person. Sorry I have really really bad experiences with doctors that shouldn’t have permission to work.
I don't think it is possible to fool medical experts that have been trained in autism detection. Could be wrong though. Why anyone would pretend to be autistic though is beyond me. Ignore the trolls, Dana. They have no clue what they are talking about.
I promise, I PROMISE I'm listening to your story, and so far it's sounding remarkably like mine, but I really had to comment on the wall stuff behind you before I lost focus and forgot 😅 Doctor Who! Nine and Thirteen! The X-Files! "I WANT TO BELIEVE" 🤩 And Ed/Stede!!! Cheering for your taste in pop culture, as I love all three shows too ❤️ [EDIT] "The moment I have fun, the moment I have a good time, the moment my life isn't f**king awful, it's like, oh no, that must mean I'm not autistic." *Oooooohhhh* ........ shoot. Never heard someone put it that way, but now that I've heard it, yeah, yeah that makes a lot of sense. I've read a bunch of stuff about how the deficit model of diagnosis is crap in a lot of ways, but still, when I was trying to figure myself out, when I was putting together my big list of "ARE THESE AUTISTIC TRAITS OR WHAT", it was definitely 100% based on the DSM-5 criteria. It's like... I can only acknowledge it's real if it's causing me [X] amount of pain or limitation or struggle, and every moment it's NOT causing a problem in my life is a moment that moves me farther away from the possibility of it being real. But that's not how I see it for other people! I KNOW there are happy autistic people out there, living the best life they can, not being """dragged down""" at all times by their neurotype. I'm directly related to one of those autistic people. So why hold myself to a different standard?? Dang. Thank you for making the most sense out of all the autism imposter syndrome videos I've watched ❤️
I frequently pause videos and leave long excited comments such as this and seeing yours made my heart smile because I also frequently because nervous about "how much" I have been programmed to believe I can be so only half ish of said comments get posted. I appreciate your radiating joy and the empowerment towards more authenticity and less anxiety about allowing it to come out in excited bursts of words.
And then afterwards you spend the next trillion years reviewing every action you did and every conversation you had with people and your brain starts saying you should have done this there instead of that, you should have said this when they said that and so on. We all been there. It can be annoying though when you are trying to get some sleep and brain is on overdrive overthinking everything that happened that day.
