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Adam Levine is a code-less cheater| How to Spot People like him ft. Tefi Pessoa| Full EP. 44 

Lovers and Friends Podcast with Shan Boodram
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Shan Boodram delves into the taboo and hot topic that is cheating: are there ways to predict if your partner will cheat? Are there early warning signs?
Recently two huge celebrity cheating scandals broke out- Adam Levine’s alleged affair and Nia Long’s fiancee, Ime Udoka’s affair. Often when we think of someone being cheated on, we cast an archetype - But in this case the people who’ve been cheated on don’t fit the script at all!
On this episode, Shan talks to Estefania Pessoa better know as Tefi on Tiktok, who provided an unexpected take on cheating. Tefi breaks down how your code shapes your decisions, character, morals and therefore if you're likely going to be a cheater.
But there was another take on how to spot a cheater, that I found very fascinating. Estefania Pessoa better known as Tefi on TikTok spoke about code. Tefi explained how code is your character, your morals, and how this code will impact the decisions you make. Decisions that will not only affect you, but those that you love.
Shan also sits down with Dr. Barry Goldstein, a clinical psychologist who enlightens us on what to look out for to get a leg up on those who can’t keep their legs closed.
Promo Codes:
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Thank you Better Help and Apostrophe for sponsoring this episode.
Follow Shan:
/ shanboody
/ @loversandfriendspodcast
Call in to the show to leave a voice note
‪(323) 375-4797
loversfriendspodcast@gmail.com
Follow the guests on this episode:
Tefi
/ hellotefi
/ hellotefi
Dr. Barry Goldstein
realityshrink.net/

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29 сен 2024

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Комментарии : 113   
@robinchristina
@robinchristina 2 года назад
Her definition of code sounds like a moral compass or standard. As humans, I suspect we each have an innate moral compass but we experiment with different behaviors and values based on the suggestions we encounter. Over time, I see myself aligning to the moral compass within and I am letting go of the desire to try to please or obey.
@dmystfy
@dmystfy Год назад
Well said
@deehanaking7754
@deehanaking7754 3 месяца назад
This was a great episode. I will be following both guests going forward. And the meditation with the teddy bear to recognize if you have truly healed, was amazing! Thank you so much.
@boricua584
@boricua584 2 года назад
Shan!!! My comment will probably put some sort of pressure or stress on you, so forgive me. However, you could totally get your PhD. You have such amazing ideas and knowledge and as I pursue my own PhD right now, it’s research focused and I know how much women of color are needed in social science research specifically with all the things you discuss on your podcast etc. just my thoughts lol. Love you !
@tricksie88
@tricksie88 2 года назад
Where can we listen to the podcast with Dr Barry and Shan in full?
@msa8408
@msa8408 2 года назад
This is so wild. The Try Guys cheating scandal also happened in this same timeframe.
@Coolness1160
@Coolness1160 2 года назад
It’s the retrograde energy going on. 6 planets were in retrograde last month so all the bs was coming to the surface for everyone lol.
@claudinamoniz8198
@claudinamoniz8198 2 года назад
So the try guys thing is really True!? I tought they were joking with the adam levine scandal (bc their message on the cheating was so similar to adam levine post about is affair).
@thehealingfairee
@thehealingfairee 2 года назад
@@claudinamoniz8198 Yeah, Ned made a public statement on his IG about being in a relationship, and the Try Guys just posted a video about it as well.
@claudinamoniz8198
@claudinamoniz8198 2 года назад
@@thehealingfairee im shook😣 he always was só lovey dovey about his wife (Ariel), guess couple goals is whatever we decide for ourselves as a unit and not what we see on others😔
@Zeeeeeeeex
@Zeeeeeeeex 2 года назад
Thank you Shannon and Tefi. I appreciate the grown women conversation happening on this channel. I find that's it's becomming harder to find quality content amongst all the noise and the mess. I appreciate the space that Shannon has watered and nutured over the years. From TGAW to Lovers and Friends... I am so proud and appreciative.
@frankie9953
@frankie9953 2 года назад
"bad people don't feel bad" THANK YOU for this.
@ms.tinygiant
@ms.tinygiant 2 года назад
When Tabitha was talking about how someone hurting/cheating on you makes you question women, our community.. that really hit home. It is hard for me to want to make friends and I am a womens woman. I love women. I love us. But it is hard for me to not look at another and compare or have trust issues that this girl won’t hurt me or try to do something back stabbing when it comes to my relationship bc of the past relationships I’ve had and not feeling that I could trust or be secure with my partner. It’s a horrible feeling. Cheating will ruin your whole being. I don’t wish that on anyone. And I can’t wait for the day I am free from these shackles
@Lauren-cu6ht
@Lauren-cu6ht Год назад
I agree, I have the same feeling, but it came from my upbringing by my mother and the insecure and toxic women in my family, oddly enough.
@ms.tinygiant
@ms.tinygiant Год назад
@@Lauren-cu6ht Honestly thinking about it same. My mom gave me to my dad and step-mom and my step-mom was evil. lady did not like me and i was trapped with her. You brought to my attention the issues i've had with women started from before friends came into my life. I am with you though, you are not alone.
@gabrielatorrini7610
@gabrielatorrini7610 2 года назад
“Loving hard gives you the pride that overcomes the shame of the fear of being cheated on.” Loved this advice from Dr. Barry. Choosing to still be vulnerable in spite of our fears can be empowering and healing. The world definitely needs him on more podcasts 🙂
@ms.tinygiant
@ms.tinygiant 2 года назад
Loved this too
@Toematetoe95
@Toematetoe95 2 года назад
This is the first serious episode of a podcast I’ve seen Tefi on and I still love it. Something that’s stuck with me she’s said before is if you’re not sure of yourself, then the people around you won’t be either. Such an awesome guest, my two worlds colliding 😭🤍
@inthemirror192
@inthemirror192 Год назад
This is accurate
@sheenaoates3217
@sheenaoates3217 Год назад
Cheating or breaking trust in any form is literally life changing! Mental health in this life is already hard to navigate, but that alone can have catastrophic consequences and is truly not worth it in any situation. Just be honest and move on, or be honest and communicate! Having Hard conversations should be taught in grade school, along with finances, and keeping a home! Thank you for the informative dialog and keep them coming Shan!! ❤🎉
@Sadeyah
@Sadeyah Год назад
After I was cheated on up until I left my husband I was paranoid of every woman we encountered together. His friends, the neighbor next door, even the sweet waitress. I was in a state of fight/flight questioning everything
@kat7203
@kat7203 2 года назад
Always loved the podcast but the videos make it even better! As always, thank you Shan 💘💘
@ezaserrano4677
@ezaserrano4677 2 года назад
I definitely admire Tefi and the wisdom she brought. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 what an eye opening conversation
@chaneljalice
@chaneljalice 2 года назад
This is so true!!! So many people lack a Code in general. this is the PERFECT word. i used to always wonder why people didn’t value me like i did when in reality they ain’t got no CODE!! people these days don’t value other peoples feelings even if they are your friend or lover and sometimes even family. very well said! this episode was amazing and really does put in perspective how there are cheaters and people who have cheated. Gives a lot of compassion for the people who aren’t cheaters and have done it in the past and not be so quick to judge.
@Naisy77
@Naisy77 2 года назад
Her voice her analogies her self awareness she is powerful ❤
@schahrzadmorgan
@schahrzadmorgan 2 года назад
I'm sorry for anyone suffering in relationships. Many cheaters can be spotted by me just seeing their face (same w alcoholics) yet some women are so attracted to them. Cheating is about entitlement and grandiosity. Grandiose men look for empathic codependent women, who overlook the entitlement mentality of these guys that is apparent from day one. My pattern was different. I went for unavailable men, not cheaters. Doing the inner work at the moment w a therapist.
@jesterbons1558
@jesterbons1558 2 года назад
lmao it mist suck being a woman and making life so damn complicated 😂🤦‍♂️
@MsMizz1
@MsMizz1 2 года назад
Wow this was amazing. Tefi expressed and sparked so much connection that’s deeply meaningful in such simplistic ways. Being loved and seen, weaving in hurt and existence… I got atleast 3 great quotes from her. I didn’t expect Dr. Barry following up would be great as well. Bc Tefi gently blew me away. I loved him suggestion loving more if your aware there is a deficit. I typically may not have connecting but it reminded me of theory I can’t remember from who eighth now… psychologist or spiritualist possibly the Gottmans, John Gray or even Eckhart Tolle who say if you focus on you, self awareness, integrity, boundaries and care of yourself becoming less reactionary to your partner, have a more neutralized love they either rise to love you as you are loving them and yourself or they same the same and you naturally fall out of attachment. The compatibility and/or chemistry dies with a clear opening to end the romantic relationship because it becomes obvious your needs won’t be met.
@MadisonPettway_
@MadisonPettway_ 2 года назад
I love Tefi as a guest! Great episode!
@EnyaFarina
@EnyaFarina 2 года назад
This episode made me cry so much. It's like it unlocked trauma I didn't know I still had. Thank you for this conversations, Shan.
@danaigreek
@danaigreek 2 года назад
I'm always learning so much with you Shan! So glad that finally see the full length episode on youtube ❤
@Alotofjazz
@Alotofjazz 2 года назад
Alternatively, you could say it comes down to integrity, if you didn't want to use the word "code," and give a whole explanation. Essentially, it seems like they mean integrity when they say code.
@Naisy77
@Naisy77 2 года назад
Tefi is very deep and emotional I love that we need people like that to bring us back to earth sometimes I internalize things so I enjoyed her perspective it was very emotional and powerful 💙 god bless her
@habentesfai6768
@habentesfai6768 2 года назад
Wow the guest is so intuitive & self aware I have definitely experienced that where I look at this woman and I think to myself “she is his type”.
@GigiofGigi
@GigiofGigi 2 года назад
I got chills at 19:05 - understanding where code cannot live is so powerful
@Naisy77
@Naisy77 2 года назад
I like how he said that you tell yourself a story it’s either “I am the best person to myself” or “I am the best person to this person” there is the critical point ❤
@billmurrie
@billmurrie 2 года назад
ive never clicked on a podcast so fast i love tefi with my whole heart
@brandyandcream2
@brandyandcream2 2 года назад
Did you really cheat on him when he essentially cheated on you consistently like he was being paid to do it? It’s basically an open relationship.
@beewest5704
@beewest5704 2 года назад
I'm now starting to think that many women more than we would think don't give AF whether their man steps out or not but because of socialization act as if they do. Women even marry serial cheating bf & stay with them through the whole cheating.
@CulinaryGuide
@CulinaryGuide Год назад
This was soo good.
@lets.get.intoit.
@lets.get.intoit. 2 года назад
What Tefi said about resentment was so profound. I wonder which meditation it was and whether I'd be able to put down the teddy bear...
@Takatukata
@Takatukata 2 года назад
High in novelty seeking and low in conscientiousness sounds like ADHD to me.
@nay9702
@nay9702 2 года назад
I can completely relate to what Tefi is saying at 20:00. I have those thoughts all the time and I recognize it and try to make the effort to trust and remind myself that while yes, some women can be snakey, we ultimately need each other at the end of the day and I’m working from trauma and not getting to know this woman genuinely.
@StinaB9
@StinaB9 2 года назад
2 of my favs!!! Love you ladies!!
@homesbyamina
@homesbyamina Год назад
One of your best episodes! Loved both guests
@Scantronacon
@Scantronacon 2 года назад
Love his music but the man seems like a text book narcissist , so does the Boston coach too😒 Both these ladies are probably so embarrassed and feel like the world is laughing at them. Loving the content, especially the performance issues with men video. I subscribed. Keep at it Queen!
@steph6109
@steph6109 2 года назад
How many people in the music and acting industry aren't narcissists?
@Scantronacon
@Scantronacon 2 года назад
@@steph6109 very true
@wavez415
@wavez415 2 года назад
I clicked so fast Tefi!!!!!! and Shan !!!!! some of my role-models!!!!!! on my old RU-vid account I was one of her first 1000 followers. 😘 kiss from San Francisco
@iSeetothe3rdpower
@iSeetothe3rdpower 2 года назад
This episode is highly appreciated and I felt so emotional listening to it. Much much much love
@miaranee
@miaranee Год назад
Why does everything have to be about trauma? When lions and lioness sleep around it's just their genes expressed in their environment. Genes are just showing up differently in different cultural environments.
@MrsBrittanyGold
@MrsBrittanyGold 2 года назад
Shan, side note… you look amazing girl!
@alexandriayoung
@alexandriayoung 2 года назад
apparently Barney too has f*cked up
@nikotopnotch2832
@nikotopnotch2832 2 года назад
This episode was AMAZING!!! Need to watch and listen to all others
@sierra4210
@sierra4210 Год назад
The silver coming through in her hair is absolutely stunning! Her wisdom is on another level ❤️
@allisonspears1916
@allisonspears1916 Год назад
I’ve never written a comment on RU-vid but this spoke to me today.
@Cantetinza17
@Cantetinza17 Год назад
Every relationship I have been in they have cheated and yeah it makes you shut down and want to be bitter and see that people at no good. I would get angry because they would cheat on me, but wouldn't cheat on the others. That would mess with me SO MUCH! Then I would go through the relationships and I learned it had nothing to do with me AT ALL. I was the best that I could be with what I was given. I thought to myself when I heard his statement when he said, "I did not have an affair", I thought, "Oh they must have an arrangement/understanding". Then she came out and said that she knows that he does that. Although to want to use her name for his son's name was like a huge NO for me. I think if people are going to have these arrangements etc, it really needs to be said that you need to not make me look crazy in these streets, and you need to protect the relationship that we do have. For Nia I was like, "What drugs was this Man taking"?! When women that are on top have men cheating it's like, "Well hell I will always be cheated on"! Dr Barry's face got so red when you said he gives the best oral sex. 😆
@jordenhaddad561
@jordenhaddad561 Год назад
I love that you acknowledge the hurt of cheating even though you talk of open relationships 💯 Also, following the mid video statement of people hurting others in order to being seen, I believe people hurt others so that others will hurt the same as them. So that they aren't alone in their suffering 🤔
@stephaniefernanadez8995
@stephaniefernanadez8995 2 года назад
that 20 min mark. Wow. ❤️🇨🇦
@ellenkala1461
@ellenkala1461 2 года назад
Are there any people out there who are with someone who did a code-less act but the “”code-less”” is doing or did the work that the Dr at the end spoke of?.. Are there any who stayed together and it worked out and you’re happy together?.. Just curious to hear any positive stories if any
@Akeswill
@Akeswill 2 года назад
The way you described the affects of cheating! ACCURATE
@jojoirish8523
@jojoirish8523 Год назад
So so so excited you're doing the full episodes on RU-vid now!!! I'm NOT a podcast person no matter how hard I try, but these long video talks are right up my alley. It doesn't make any sense, but this format really speaks to me. :)
@simplycapped1309
@simplycapped1309 2 года назад
Love how you showed your Grey hair, beautiful! 😍 also I hope this comment doesn't cause problems
@carolellamuch9571
@carolellamuch9571 2 года назад
“Presentism doesn’t say take the most low having fruit “!!! This is what a lot of people lose sight of
@haikulu
@haikulu 2 года назад
Tefi!!!!!
@its_nozie1439
@its_nozie1439 Год назад
Thank you Shan, best podcast hands down
@Avrasong
@Avrasong Год назад
I remember Adam Levine’s wife from when she was young and modeling in NYC. The sweetest girl. But the guy she was with back then was also a scumbag cheater. I felt so bad when I heard this story because she seems to date a type.
@forevadorable
@forevadorable 2 года назад
animals protect their people
@wellandrising
@wellandrising 2 года назад
The goal is never to eliminate ego. We all have one, so it must serve a purpose. The goal is to TRAIN the ego to serve the soul.
@cherortido5223
@cherortido5223 Год назад
Girls in comment section the part where she cheated and her cheated back...I blame the man overall for cheating all the time instead of breaking why .are y'all bashing the man...and not the lady also
@sarahguajardo6
@sarahguajardo6 Год назад
I find it confusing that some people expect more respect from some stranger than they do their partner (that's a red flag to me.) If my partner says we're monogamous then it's on them not to cheat even if someone makes a pass. I don't expect some stranger to owe me anything and if my partner cheats I'm holding them accountable because they were the one who didn't respect me enough or even want the commitment. I'm in a relationship and my partner knows if they cheat that it'll end our relationship because I said from day one if you want something else just leave me beforehand don't waste my time and I'll show you respect in return but if you disrespect me by cheating you're gonna see an ugly side to me because you showed an ugly side of yourself I didn't deserve. Anyway my whole point is accountability matters and it should be held to those who made promises and commitments to you not a stranger
@christinasolano8934
@christinasolano8934 Год назад
I just stumbled on this cuz I love teffi so anything of hers I watch and you my dear you're amazing 👏 I love your way of interviewing #newsubscriber #newfan
@inthemirror192
@inthemirror192 Год назад
I just googled him, wasn't sure of who was. She's not in one pic. He looks pretty happy with the woman in his pics
@ThinkAboutit300
@ThinkAboutit300 Год назад
few week ago I some pains and I went to the hfeltospital my doc told me I had Herpes about 1 yr and I need to start the treatment early from dr oigiangbe 💯
@staygroovybritt
@staygroovybritt Год назад
Thank you for podcast visuals!!!
@janelle7263
@janelle7263 2 года назад
Code is conscience.
@inthemirror192
@inthemirror192 Год назад
Karma is a bad bish...she know EVERYBODY!! Be on her good side
@angelsgarcia5727
@angelsgarcia5727 Год назад
The part about the resentment meditation …wow!!! I started tearing up because I know I would have walked out with that bear.
@kianic1205
@kianic1205 2 года назад
TEFI!!!!!!!
@alphonsoandrews1867
@alphonsoandrews1867 Год назад
Shout out 2 Shans hub...with that hall of fame mouth piece ha ha ha👍👍
@Jessievera
@Jessievera 2 года назад
Where can I find the gaslight episode?
@charnemortty4885
@charnemortty4885 Год назад
Why do I always attract cheaters and fall for them
@japonesa5186
@japonesa5186 Год назад
“In that moment consider all” ♥️
@nidiraa7462
@nidiraa7462 2 года назад
Those first comments from Tefi was sooo real
@alexianeves
@alexianeves Год назад
1:01 hello boo hope your doing well!❤
@amaiaford9139
@amaiaford9139 2 года назад
I’m crying lol. I love this whole thing.
@jelissasmith6971
@jelissasmith6971 Год назад
Omg I love Tefi
@mookaitemoves7374
@mookaitemoves7374 2 года назад
Oh my gosh my two faves :*)
@C_0873
@C_0873 2 года назад
OMG I love Tefi so much
@zenmood5301
@zenmood5301 Год назад
TEFI AND SHAN 🙌😭
@nadiacenteno-alvarado2413
@nadiacenteno-alvarado2413 2 года назад
love this podcast!
@Doc_Balogun
@Doc_Balogun 2 года назад
Shan!!! Love this episode! Cheating is such a trigger topic 😫. Is monogamy just an unrealistic expectation in relationships? Are we putting too much pressure on ourselves? Cheating is just human nature at its finest 🤷🏽‍♀️
@passivepanda3656
@passivepanda3656 Год назад
At all ! That's what they say to justify their actions. The problem is that people are not HONEST with their desires. Nowadays it is so easy to find someone with the same s3xual aspirations as yours. Just talk it out ! If there is a problem, talk it out. Learn the love, understanding and apology language of the person you are with. Lean their pattern and the way they respond to things. Learn their boundaries, express yours, and find a middle ! I don't know why people think that being in a mariage is a ready to go meal.
@oihcam22
@oihcam22 Год назад
I don’t think monogamy is realistic tbh
@claudiaalvarez444
@claudiaalvarez444 2 года назад
Can we talk about how ppl who watch porn are more likely to cheat…. They’re seeking quick and easy access to sex. Normalized checking out other women. Have a very casual attitude (not intimate) towards sex.
@jesterbons1558
@jesterbons1558 2 года назад
wheres the source to this i wanna see something
@joyandpeacefullaughter5307
@joyandpeacefullaughter5307 2 года назад
People don't know if it's an open relationship
@loversandfriendspodcast
@loversandfriendspodcast 2 года назад
We do not know. We spoke about this later in the episode. Thanks for listening!
@infinite_energy369
@infinite_energy369 Год назад
I've actually been finding brown spots on my body too, have been using a transdermal shampoo and body wash from the chemist. Just my two cents in regards to nothing to do with this episode 🤣
@emmabunch-benson4795
@emmabunch-benson4795 Год назад
Im not here for Shan bc frankly the stuff she says is bleh. Not her defending cheating 🙄there’s other ways to have a unique take on a topic. I’m here for Tefi and tefi only cause she just gets it & is 100% real.
@msa8408
@msa8408 2 года назад
I don't buy into this code thing or the concept of loyalty in general. These are concepts made up by insecure people to project their values and insecurities onto others. These concepts are only important to people who don't hold a true sense of belonging. If you did, you would understand that values are incredibly difficult to live into and that behaviors are just behaviors. Cheating doesn't define a person just like most other relational behaviors don't typically define a person. Yes, it's horrid. Yes, in this scenario, we are all looking at Adam sideways. But codeless? I think that's a reach and a liberty to take on someone else's situation. I choose to lean into empathy on this one.
@likelovetothelost
@likelovetothelost 2 года назад
Sounds like you cheated before lol
@TitusJudah
@TitusJudah 2 года назад
@@likelovetothelost or maybe they're mature and are able to have a more meaningful conversation.
@coachoverflow6304
@coachoverflow6304 2 года назад
Your character is your DNA...CODE...IE, content of your character.....there is no empathy for cheaters....they cognitively know what they are doing....the empathy lies with the victims not the perpetrators.....No excuse for cheating...It's a CHOICE.....Periodt!!!!!!!
@marleyofficialmedia
@marleyofficialmedia 2 года назад
Its giving defensive cheater
@lucilaspannaus4190
@lucilaspannaus4190 2 года назад
I would argue that actions do define us. Inherently, our decisions define us. Just like actions speak louder than words. Choosing a distorted behavior, over a healthier one, has a consequence and it bring about a lesser outcome. People with true character have high value because of the self-control, self-responsibility and the dignity they choose to live by. It's really that simple.
@j7l268
@j7l268 2 года назад
Shout out @sloan
@stephy4missy
@stephy4missy Год назад
Oh man that teddy bear meditation is so about to remind me I got some more healing to do 🫠🥴
@paigebeachy
@paigebeachy 2 года назад
The collab I didn’t know I needed. Wow🫶
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