Adult Children in Blended Families 

Totally. My husband chooses to honor me first and I would t be in the us family if he did not!

Yup exactly

Same for me, Lizzie, 11 years on. My adult stepdaughters are in their late 30's. They go through polite motions, but they know little about my 71 years of life, and simply do not care to ask. Conversations are friendly, but superficial. When they visit, which is rare, when they do something that irritates me, or with which I disagree, I am in a quandary. If I speak up my wife gets upset that I am ruining her short time with them. I am essentially invisible when they come. When they call and I see who it is on the caller ID I don't pick up. I know they are calling for their mother, so why engage in the pretense that they wish to talk with me? I know a lot about each of them because I've listened to their life stories through my wife, and am constantly updated. I have decided to try something else, which is when either next visits I will not be home. Better that than risking an eruption in our house and upsetting my wife. She is sad that it's come to this, but she holds no influence over her daughters so it's come down to these two choices for me. Sometimes in life you declare victory, sometimes it's defeat.

@@possumato I certainly relate and have today decided on the next visit I will not be home.

@@possumato as I read this right now here in texas I have a 28 year old stepson who just got a new car and haven't been offered a ride in it, while about 7 other people have already taken rides in it. It's a shame and a sad situation.

Lots of us in this position, it seems. A 20-year one-sided relationship doesn't actually get easier with time. You don't expect someone you've just met to remember your birthday or to know about your activities or interests, but after years of reaching out with nothing but a coldly polite response or nothing at all, it's hard not to give way to hurt feelings and resentment.

No, adults should not be allowed to be rude or give their father ultimatums to choose them or their stepparent. That is a wedge attempt.

That sounds like a tough situation. We have a podcast that was recently recorded on the topic of blended families and finances. You may find it helpful. ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-tJuL5sjC-CU.html

Virginia, have you sat down with them and had a conversation? Ask them about expectations and what they think is reasonable.

What? That’s not right. Why is that being allowed?

So true! It's not easy. This is just a short video but there is a whole chapter devoted to this subject in the book The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal.

We are so sorry. It's hard work and it's unexpected.

Praying for you. ~Blessings, FLB

Sometimes I think, I must be very formidable that they act this way. I have a place with their father that they could not fill. If they could he would not have courted and married me. 😏😁

My friends who know the family thought the daughters would be happy that their father was not alone and was happy! In what universe. They were sure that hanging out with them was sufficient and he should have been happy with how they were. See how that works? Also their mother died so she became a saint. Think the daughters are somewhat stunted emotionally and maybe never really grieved their mother.There’s that as an undercurrent.

Did you actually listen to what he was saying, or did you just skim the title? He mentioned giving people time to adjust. Like you said, life is full of adjustments, but that doesn’t mean they happen immediately. Even as adults, people still need time to adapt to new situations and process their emotions. This takes time because, unlike psychopaths, most people actually experience emotions. Grown children don’t usually try to block their parents’ remarriage, and even if they do, nothing really changes. Recently, my mother informed me that she’s dating a man I’ve never met, someone she didn’t even bother to introduce to me, and they’re planning to get together soon. Even now, I have no idea who he is. While I’m glad, like you said, that she’s found someone whose emotional connection fulfills her, that doesn’t mean I’m able to instantly embrace this situation. As an adult, I understand I need to move forward, but I’ve stopped contacting her because I feel like I don’t know her anymore. I need time to process this, especially since she’s been sharing this with the rest of the family for nearly a year and left me out. People were brought up in different environments and got through various history. People differ from another. Before you jump to conclusions, try to think things through and stop being so judgmental.

Stop being pathetic and taking everything personally. You can’t compete with her child.

Doesn't sound too fun. The teenager will grow up. People often do better when kid's are grown before remarrying.

Hang in there, Corey. You've got to take care of yourself now. See my reply to Lizzie (above).

And I’m a nice lady, childless, looking for a good man, and can’t find him.

@@KoolT My step children were in their mid-30s. If I shared about my situation and how they were acting, people thought I was dealing with grammar school kids. The passive-aggressive stuff they dished out.We have a trance now after 10 years but I will always hold them at arms’ length as I don’t trust them. They know nothing about my family or history because they are not interested. If I share, no reaction, comments or questions. I just couldn’t keep up a one sided relationship for years on end.

That is common in blended families. Often children, even adult children, fear losing their biological parent. Your wife will need to set the tone with them in helping them accept you and new priorities in the family. I would encourage you to get a copy of The Smart Stepfamily. There is a chapter dedicated to adult stepfamilies. The other chapters on parenting may be extremely valuable as well. Adult children are often experiencing the same emotions as younger children so understanding that may be helpful. Here is a podcast on the topic, as well. ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-ahTBTzmgsXI.html Blessings, FLB Team

They will try it on. The couple needs to be in agreement that it’s the marriage first and then the adult children. They have spouses and families of their own. They should be focused on their own marriage, not their widowed father.