Yea. Stand for what you want. It sounds like they are pushing this "mom" thing on you. You have a mom already. Like she's just trying to shover herself in the mom slot.
First off the legal thing is a real issue, if something happens to the father they will all land in foster care instead of staying with Kim, who by everything we heard does nothing but try to gain the children's love and wishes to be their mother figure. So staying with ehr would probably be better than getting somewhere else. Personally this sounds like something that should be talked out between OOP and this Kim, because it seems like OOP feels like she wants to replace their mom instead of being another mother. In addition if she made a few thoughtless comments that she didn't think were bad then it could've soured the relationship.
Kim and dad are acting as if you can’t love each other and be a family if the adoption does not take place. That is absolutely not true. Give bonding a chance to take place without forcing and behaving as if your mother didn’t exist.
The fact that Kim is so bent out of shape over this tells me she's planning on getting some cash. If she adopts them she becomes their legal mother and we all know court takes the side of the mother. If she decides to leave this man she will take the kids and take child support. And if he dies and the kids get survivors benefits she'll take that too
She told them them she was going to be their new mom and the kids won't even remember their dead mom. She came in wayyyyyy too strong, almost insulting their dead's mom memory. Just be a good step mother and stop trying to compete with a dead woman.
Nta, I hate when parents try to force relationships. I hope Op gets through to their dad that they wont replace their mother and its gonna take time before the kids warm up to her.
NTA you can't bulldoze and manipulate those kids into loving you and calling you mom. You have to actually be a good person and be there for them. So the adults need to look at what they are doing because they are driving them away
NTA While Kim's intentions probably come from the place of love, I think that if she weren't so pushy, her relationship with OP and the rest of the kids would've progressed better, and maybe, even down the line, kids would've wanted Kim to adopt them themselves
This is kind of where I’m at. So far, I haven’t heard anything all that bad about her, just that she’s kind of intense. Dad, though, needs to chill out a bit.
My Nana (grandmother) died when I was 7 and just over 2 years later my grandad remarried to a lovely lady named Elsie who he had reconnected with and was his teenage sweetheart before WW2. I always called her by name and noone had a problem with that, I still to this day call her my step grandma when I talk about her. In spite of this Elsie is family and I know how much she loved me. Most important to me she loved my grandad and helped him cope with my Nana's death. Elsie accepted me for who I am, as I am and only ever wanted to be part of my life. I miss her dearly and am grateful to have known her.
NTA. I feel like even IF the step mom Kim is a "good mom" or whatever, it's still the kids choice if they want to be adopted by her or not. What makes me think the dad and the step mom are not good parents is the fact that she kept trying to guilt them with crying every time they told her no, plus as soon as she married their dad she immediately began talking about adopting them which feels way to possessive. And the dad not only let her do this but is also trying to manipulate his son into lying to his siblings. So those things make me believe the kids here have good reasons to not want the step mom to adopt them.
Nta, they're being really pushy and completely ignoring your wishes and agency. He is also acting as though your siblings don't have feelings of their own and is pulling the classic parent BS of "I know what's best for you better than you do" when in reality he wants what is best for him. His first priority should be to the welfare of his children.
There are many perspectives on this. Firstly your nta as you clearly want to not tell lies to your siblings. If the siblings really want to be adopted it’s their choice. Kim is really nice to take care of them (I assume) and she wants to adopt them as her own but she needs to respect that they already have a mom whom they love and care for even if she’s dead. The father should respect and care about his children’s boundaries and choices alongside his current wife. Communication and sensitivity to everyone's emotions and boundaries are essential in navigating this complex situation. The father plays a significant role in this situation and must prioritize his children's well-being and wishes. He needs to respect their boundaries, choices, and emotional connections, especially regarding their deceased mother. He should communicate openly with his children and consider their feelings and desires when making decisions about their future, including any potential adoption by Kim. It is crucial for him to support and protect their emotional well-being while also considering the feelings of his current wife.
Kim is acting crazy. You don't just love a person you don't know. She wants to be loved not to love the children. If she loved them she'd respect their feelings.
@anupakc2991 Yes, but she can't actually know them. She's so pushy that she couldn't possibly connect with them. She is obsessed with the idea of them. Poor kids.
@@yamairad1 yeah. It's unfortunate that she can't truly connect with them and is more focused on her own desires. It's important for children to have genuine relationships with adults who care about them for who they are, not just for what they represent. Hopefully, she can learn to prioritize their well-being over her own obsessions.
@@anupakc2991 If Kim truly loves the children then she loves them regardless of whether she is legally their stepmother or adopted mother. If she can't accept that then she does not truly love them and neither does the dad.
Wait what? She is only thinking about her siblings and her DEAD MOM!? What if they’re still mourning? I know it’s been 6 years, but OP was at least 9 when it happened and she obviously wants her siblings to know their actual mother because like she stated, her mother didn’t leave but was tragically taken from the children. A major unexpected loss like this deserves a slow and thoughtful recovery and healing process. You can’t just fill the void with something else because you’re just comparing yourself to the thing you’re basically trying to replace. I get that she is actually trying and probably does want to be a mother figure to these kids, but loving someone doesn’t mean they have to love you back. Believe me, as a child of a narcissistic mother, you cannot love someone into loving you. They’ll just grow to resent you instead for not respecting their boundaries, thoughts and feelings. NTA. Just a child who wants to keep honoring her dead mom without having to basically get used to a new one. I’ve been in a similar boat to this before and I was actually rather cruel to my step mom because I just wanted my mom back. I didn’t want a mom, I wanted my mom. That’s the problem here. Now my mom isn’t dead, she just kicked me out to be my dad’s kid when I was 12, but I still felt that loss and void. I thought I did something to deserve losing my mom. Those kids could be going through this as well because kids usually blame themselves when bad things happen to or between a parent and them. This is something that takes A LONG LONG TIME to work through. Some adults take years to mourn their parents so a child should and you should expect it to take longer. They’re still learning about life and death. The parents mean well, but are also being very insensitive.
The only thing Op can do is ask what they want because I seriously doubt Kim and Dad are very gentle about the adoption talk and the kids are likely retreating to safety aka their oldest sibling as a type of defense mechanism which I assume is probably common for them to do when the parents are overbearing.
It’s completely wild to me to tell a bunch of kids you’ll be their mom bc they won’t remember their mom who tragically died anyways, ESPECIALLY if they definitely will remember her, and it’s also absolutely wold to me to try to force your kids into an adoption they don’t want and don’t need!
My partners son refers to me as his stepmum to his friends (though still calls me by my name) and I’ve done no pushing, I refer to him as my stepson to people (me and his dad aren’t married but have been together 5 years) and I love him and he loves me. But our bond grew naturally. You can’t force that kind of bond with kids. Just to say, his mum is still around and he also has a stepdad he calls his name too. But I don’t think it would have changed anything. My son’s dad isn’t in the picture and it took a few years but he calls my partner Dad now.
Exactly, let it happen! My husband has been in my oldest son's life since he was 4 (we also have a son together). His bio dad hasn't been around since he was 6 and before that it was sporadic at best. Initially he didn't hate my husband but refused to get close (abandonment issues due to his bio dad). As time went, their relationship grew and now, although he calls my husband by his first name (he asked about calling him dad and we told him that it was 100% his choice), if anyone asks him who his dad is, his immediate response is to name my husband. My neighbour even said that he was talking to her the other day and he kept saying my mom and dad (aka my husband) when talking about us.
Yeah you can't just walk in as a comeplete stranger and say "hi! I'm your new mom!" and replace the original like an old kitchen appliance. She should've maintained a distance and built a natural relationship as "their dad's wife" and got to know them as such. She could've started helping with daily life like chores, getting ready for school, making breakfast, etc. To show that her presence is pleasant and positive instead of intrusive and controlling.
Nope, I’m a step-child. My dad died when I was very little (2) so I have no memory of him. But I have a step dad, I have never called him dad, never wanted to be adopted, and I know he is not my dad. He luckily has never pushed for it but if he did I would most likely stop communicating with him even though I’m in school still and live with him and my mom. NTA.
Nta, honestly if she wants to be a mother then the adoption is not neccesary, she will still be their step-mother aka 'mother' forcing relationship is not the way to go, plus its not like the children are treating her badly like cursing her or disrespecting her or heurling accusations, I don't wanna make assumptions but I feel like the love will only last till the adoption is done, it just give me the vibes idk why.
From a legal standpoint, if kids are adopted by a stepparent, it makes it easier for the children to stay with the stepparent if a parent dies unexpectedly. That might be a reason why they want her to adopt them BUT it’s so messed up for her to say their ‘birth’ mother as if she left them. OP should prolly talk to her about it. She seems loving and caring but also overbearing at the same time. Sometimes ppl like that just don’t realize they’re behaving that way. Just set boundaries.
Nta, my mom (stepmom) and my dad gave my sister and I time before doing anything like this. It took me year maybe 3 or 4 before I realized the cow that gave birth to me hated me and left because she didn't want us. My Dad and mom never said 1 bad thing about her. I just remembered her being mean to me but not my sister. So I started calling her mom and when asked I said yes in a heartbeat. The point is you can't force this if its real.
She seems more worried about her self & what others think of her then kids.. what I think.. what she said about their biological mom who passed away tells me it’s about herself & what others precieve about her. She didn’t even know these kids that well amd she is yelling LET ME LOVE U AND ADOPT U AND TAKE OWNER SHIP OF U! NOW!! this is about her and her reputation and how others perceive her. It always is. “Look how much these kids love me! They wanted me to adopt them! See how wonderful I am!” 🤨 ugh I hate people like that.. kids are doing right and I’m glad their standing strong! Go no contact with your parents guys as soon as u can! Your best bet little ones! ❤ good luck to u! I wish u the best! ❤ hang in there!
If I ever had children. I plan to adopt. And I probably will have a slightly older child. Certainly above baby age and when they can at least walk and use the toilet at the minimum age. However, I would NEVER expect that they call me mum. It'd be nice if they did. But depending on their age they may be too attached to their bio parent. And I'm not going to strip that from them. When you are developing a relationship with a stepchild as a parent. Especially one who's lost a parent. NEVER go into the relationship with the wish or expectation that the children wish to accept you or for you to be their mother. Be supportive and be kind and be all the things a mother should be. But also be prepared that one or all the children may say no they don't want to call you mum and may never do so. The more you force it, the more they will resent you and say no out of defiance and because you're not respecting boundaries. Children have boundaries too. And they need to be respected. If you treat them well without this expectation they respond well and may eventually call you mum. Or they'll allow themselves to be adopted. And sometimes they'll want to be adopted but still not call you mum. And that should be respected. Especially in the case of parental death. Talk to the kids when grown and moved out if you feel sad about it and your relationship is generally good and they can explain their feelings better if that's what's needed. But never should a relationship be forced. I sort of get where the stepmum was coming from, but she's being quite blind and as well as the husband in not understanding that these are your feelings and you just don't feel comfortable with calling someone else mum and having a new legal mum. NTA if that's not clear.
I’m taking the kids side bc a parent should never force their kids to call another step parent mom or dad nor make them choose if they want to be adopted. I’m only saying this from experience because my dad tried to make me and my other 4 sisters call my step mother mom and we all kept saying no now my dad has left me and my only full blood sister (which is my older sister) but I can’t see my 3 youngest which are only half sisters and I’m kinda glad he left because him making me call my stepmom mom was ruining me. Now my mom never has had me and my older sis call any of her close bf’s dad she has always gave us time and when we were ready and when WE had the trust in him we were allowed to call him dad if we wanted and my mother is still in my life and me and my sister thinks of my step dad like our real dad so I think not pushing the kids and letting them have their own opinion on what they wanna call the step parent is the best thing any parent could do
Chiming in because my Bio Dad passed when my brother and I were very young. Mom remarried, we called him Dad because he was in every way, and we took his name. I have been asked a million times if he adopted us and I don't know or care but it seems like if he hadn't our relationship is diminished. Does our taking his name mean he adopted us? If he didn't, does it mean he didn't love us? I guess I don't understand why the stepmom pushing for it
NTA because the OP's dad should not coerce his own children to accept his new wife as a bonus mom,but instead allow them to know her and let her know them over a period of time and take it from there afterwards.
NTA, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a stepmom ❤ in fact, it can be a beautiful when it comes from a place of real love. Part of stepping into that role gracefully is to be respectful of the birth mother and the people you are trying to be a bonus mom to. The stepmom in this case is forcefully trying to make herself their mom, rather than first earning the spot she can actually fill.
I was adopted at birth, the people that adopted me are MY parents… unfortunately my dad died when I was young, my mom got on the dating scene again a little while ago, when I learned this, I plainly and bluntly told her I would never consider anyone else my dad, or even stepdad, I technically had 2 already, first one couldn’t afford me, second died, I have no need for a third
Kim talking about how the youngest women even remember their birth mom is the point where I was 100% on OPs side. That’s a disgusting thing to say. She’s NOT their mother. She never will be. The step-monster is delulu!!
Those parents are manipulative as hell. It's fantastic they found a stepmom but they're reluctance to adoption makes me think there's reasons she wasn't so quickly accepted. Then after seeing Dad's pressuring plus stepmom breaking down every night i can see the emotional manipulation that would make me stay away
So the dad wants OP to lie to the kids, saying that she is willing to be adopted when she isn’t, to trick them into wanting to be adopted. And if OP agreed, how exactly would that work? Because the kids would realize fairly quickly that OP lied, and then most likely realize it was the dad and stepmom who facilitated the lie. So this would not only completely destroy OP’s relationship with the siblings, but could potentially destroy the relationship the siblings have with their dad and any possible relationship with the stepmom. I hate it when people try to force adoption when the kids don’t want it.
NTA.. Kim is being waayy too pushy and that's pushing the kids away, its not on OP or the siblings to want to be adopted or force each other to go through with the adoption.. the dad clearly isn't taking what his kids want into consideration.. AND what's with her telling the youngest its okay for her to be their mother because he won't remember his birth mother anyways??? WHO THE FUCK says that to a child??? The fact the dad has no problem with this at all and he's guilting the kids into this shows he's not fit to be a parent either because he doesn't listen to his kids.. and as a parent that's one thing you have to be really really good at.. even if it makes little to no sense. Because if your kids can't talk to you, they'll talk to someone else.. and that could send your whole world crashing into a nightmare of its own.
NTA. Although it would be cool if Kim adopted you, they shouldn't force the decision if you don't want it. Also, they shouldn't force you to lie for them.
I don't know that a poor choice of words should be a deal-breaker for this. Maybe instead of being nasty and hateful, bring up what is actually bothering you and ask for an apology. That's the mature thing to do. I say this is someone who is pretty horrible to the man who was the closest thing I had to a stepfather. It wasn't until I had my own children that I realized how much he actually cared for us.
As bio and step mom I absolutely understand why the kids dont want her to be the mom and I see it from her angel as well just wanting them to love her as a mom but it cant be forced and this woman should not be referring to their mom as biological mother unless they are speaking to someone else explaining that they're not the biological mother but that you view them as your own children like I talk about my daughter all the time and then people get confused because I don't call her my stepdaughter I just call her my daughter she's my daughter I've been there since she was 4 years old and she clung to me and I am absolutely completely different than her own mother but I don't disrespect her by calling her mom just her biological mom I call her her mom
My moms bf keeps calling me his daugther which he knows i hate it. He kept doing it when my dad was alive and still does it now dad has passed. I refuse to give him anything for fathers day and i just dont like him. He kept also calling himself papa to my nieces and nephews, which pawpaw was what they called my dad, my siblings told him to quit it but my youngest nephew calls him papa since he was only one when my dad died so he doesnt remember him which kills me everytime when he calls mom's bf "papa".
This is not so easy, and it's not so cut, and you're right. I wish you all the best. I can see both sides of the story on the one hand for legal reasons. It would make sense that she is your mother on papor. Like in a case. If something were to happen to your dad, she would be able to come pick you up, and she'd be considered your mother from that point on. But on the other hand of not wanting to seem lit didn't have a mother to begin with that. You were just adopted at birth. I can see how that would be. It would be hard to reconcile.
Sounds like the dad might be manipulating OP. Also I had a mom, she passed few years back. My dad and her seperated decades ago and I do have a step mom but she's not my mom. She's nice and I like her but no one can replace your mother if you had a good one. Kim came in and tried that, that was her first mistake. She should of never mentioned trying to build into that. She should of worked towards it and earned the right be called mom by OP and siblings if they felt like it. My oldest brother adopted his wife's first kid who didn't know his dad (dude flaked and SIL let him sign his rights away before nephew was old enough to eat solid food) nor did he know he had a different dad till just before my mom passed as it came up when talking about colleges (he's 14 now) and someone mentioned affirmative action since his bio dad isn't white (can't tell by looking at the kid) but that's irrelevant now since that no longer exists.
So we are missing things from the story I am pretty sure. But with what we got NTA. Though op could say all I am willing to do is tell them that I wont judge them either way. If they want to be adopted or not. Well as long of its true. Though if she would judge them it would make her the Ah in this case.
I’m sorry but after if my math is correct, not even 5 years after they lost their mom, their dad was trying to FORCE them to get adopted by his new wife? SORRY YOUR KIDS JUST LOST THEIR MOTHER! THE LAST THING THEY WANNA DO IS TRY TO REPLACE HER! And adoption does JUST THAT!
I would tell your siblings they aren’t betraying you or your mom by letting them get adopted by your stepmother but you don’t have to tell lies like they asked you to
Where I come from, if one of your parent dies and the other one remarries, the step parent automatically becomes your legal guardian... America is wierd...
Btw but she is trying to hard as the stepmother. It’s a great thing to want to be seen as a mother figure to the kids but you can’t force that onto them. Things like that take time. All you have to do is show respect and love and be one day it could happen.
Don't attack me for saying this, but I don't think that Kim deserves it, BUT op is NTAH. Kim just wants to be there, but the op and the siblings don't want to replace mom, what they need is somone to listen and be there for them. Kim and Dad just need to give up on adoption, and instead just be there for the kids. Let the kids come to then, don't force a relationship.
No you're not. Your dad isn't taking your feelings into consideration. All he wants is to please Kim instead of looking at things from your point of view. He will make you guys resent him for forcing a relationship with Kim when neither one of you are willing to call Kim "mom" at all
Okay I feel like there are a lot of things going on. 1) I don’t think your the a-hole for not lying to your siblings. That being said I think it’s in your best let your siblings know that you won’t be mad at them for being adopted if that’s what they want. Younger siblings copy their older siblings and will sometimes assume their older sibling won’t love them if they don’t go along. Your dad also said this was the case so maybe sitting them down and telling them this might allow them to fully make their own opinions. 2) I know I don’t have the full context but I don’t think your step mom meant any harm when she called your mom your birth mother. I think instead she’s trying to acknowledge the important of your mom without excluding herself as a mother figure (because by the sound of it she was around for a lot of your younger siblings lives even if she wasn’t around for as much of yours as your mom was) and still giving your siblings the opportunity to give her a chance as their mom. It also might hurt her a lot when she can’t adopt you because she already feels like the littles mom from watching them grow up for so long. 3) your dad shouldn’t be pushing you but it’s clear he’s not coming from a bad place. He clearly loves and misses your mom but also loves your step mom. He wants everyone to be happy but in order to do that he needs your help. Thus the best advice I can give is to not think of your step mom as trying to replace your mom and instead think of your step mom as someone who is there to help. Also remember that, again just going by the ages and timeline you set, the littles might not have known anyone else as thier mom only her which means that they might just be following your lead. Finally talk to them and let them know that they won’t be betraying you or your mom by getting adopted by the step mom if that’s what they want.
@@doublem8888 Nothing wrong with long comments. I didn't see anything that particularly indicates the dad 'clearly loves and misses' his first wife though.
@@Ruthavecflutegiven that the story is mostly about the step mom, it’s not very obvious but I feel as though it’s a valid assumption to make given some of his described mannerism and comments. You’re right though, given that it’s not directly stated I shouldn’t have included it. Either way it’s pretty clear that the dad doesn’t want the kids to not have a mother figure after their mom passed. Not saying yelling and lying to your kids is the way to go but having OP talk to their younger siblings about what I previously listed would still be beneficial.
Well that sucks to hear I'm not saying op is TA but she's sounds very closed minded and the step-mom must feel terrible but it also sucks for op to be pressured to accept her and be told to pressure your sibling to do the same. I think op should tell her father and step-mother that since the heart is complicated she can't see the step-mom as her mom or at least not yet and the role of being your mom vs your step-mom is not easy since in your heart you have a mom but with a lot of work you build a close personal spot for your step-mom but also it's important to let your father and especially your step-mother to know you support them. I hope everything works out.
The only difference is that if the dad were 2 die or something Kim can maintain custody. The the eldest never liked her cuz she called their DEAD MOM their BIRTH mother as if they were given up n not her dying while they were young. Also, he doesn’t say EXACTLY what his siblings told the judge so the judge HAD to have seen/heard something that made him believe that the adoption wasn’t in their best interests. Also her ALWAYS crying just cuz they said no is VERY manipulative 🤷🏽♀️
