There are many views on Parental Alienation. I, Jack Goodings, have my own views around Parental Alienation, and I speak about them in this video.
My articulation of 'parental alienation' is based on the verb 'alienate' in terms of language, not labels - I don't follow along with the 'PA phenomenon', we don't need to and it can create issues, although I realise it's helpful to be mindful of it and refer to the term in certain situations. For us, we can have the courage of our convictions and speak in terms of actual experience and events. We knew the other parent was gatekeeping, sabotaging our time with our children, our involvement as a parent, our reputation (the legal stuff) - before we knew of 'Parental Alienation' as a label created by PA 'specialists'.
We also realised, in time, that we were being narcissistically abused, and many of us peeled back the onion skins and took a deep dive down the rabbit hole to understand NPD, Cluster B in theory and in reality - and at some point, we realised that our children have been narcissistically abused also, and have suffered (and still are suffering from) what others have suffered when deeply enmeshed and severely psychologically abused by a malignant seemingly-covert narcissist. The recovery road is immense but doable.
William Bernet dropped the term 'syndrome' and decided to use the term 'Parental Alienation' to label when the child internalises it and turns against the parent. But when you use the term 'alienate' as described in the Oxford, Cambridge and Collins dictionaries, William Bernet's 'Parental Alienation' misses the full picture, as does Dr Childress who says there has to be a shared persecutory delusion. And it's therefore no wonder the term 'Parental Alienation' is full of controversy in the clinical and legal settings, even though technically that (the verb) is what's happening.
I was alienated from my whole paternal family, generations. Yet it's been suggested that I do not understand Parental Alienation. I, as with others who have been denied our parenting right and relationship with our children - denied by the other parent - where there was a prior good relationship and no safeguarding issues, know that children do not always reject the alienated parent - many were not rejected by the child. I do understand 'Parental Alienation', and I understand William Bernet's explanation of 'Parental Alienation' .. I just don't agree fully with Dr William Bernet's definition of 'Parental Alienation', which says that it's about the alienating behaviours AND the child internalising it and rejecting the parent i.e. a shared persecutory delusion. There will, however, be lies and the children will more likely than not believe the false narrative. And I also recognise, by definition, that 'syndrome' is a more accurate term for what happens to the child in many instances, and I fail to see why it was removed and absorbed into the whole term of 'Parental Alienation'. For me, it just doesn't work; I didn't know why I felt uncomfortable with the PA term before, but this is why - it doesn't fit for those who were alienated but not turn against the other parent.
If you've been alienated from your children, or from your parent, please be sure to trust your judgement - you, as a caring parent, know when you're being alienated - and as an adult child with the ability to make sense of experiences and mismatching information, you're able to put the pieces together. Get to know the theories and definitions, but reflect on your own experience also.
If you need to reach out to talk about this (I know how hard and lonely this is, as an alienated adult child, alienated parent / father, and narcissistic abuse victim / survivor):
jackgoodings65@gmail.com
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21 май 2024
