Have some helpful links in the description, including more related videos & a link to my new boundaries workshop so that you can be better at setting and sticking to them! ❤
I believe it’s of being addicted to helping ppl so the codependent person will feel needed, hence valuable..so codependent ppl tend to find drug addicts, mentally impaired or someone who has problems all the time so they can rescue etc
I don't know, I don't stuggle with people breaching my boundaries, more like others stuggle to set them with me due to my oversharing and excessive need for emotional connection. I lost people because it seems it drains them, but I still don't understand how is it not like 50 percent of everyones time sharing and connecting and talking with others. Not much else I am interested in
❤Thank you!!! Katie I realized I have been codependent for many years, trying to fix or help people I did not have time for myself. My last relationship ended and I am in my own journey to recovery. God bless you!!!
@@reflux043 That's why these two tend to pair up. I went through a relationship with a BPD person and the thing is that the codependant is attached and stays attached while the BPD partner splits so it is a very painful situation to be in.
It's more like, hurting yourself to keep the relationship. And / or using controlling behaviors toward the other person to keep or control the relationship. -- ultimately from fear of losing the other person.
I don't know how to explain it... But i am sad I really want someone to talk.. I feel very every anxious if i don't talk to anyone...i feel like they need to say good things to me... And after that i will feel a little to very little less anxious.. I am totally co dependant on my friends and patner.. And today my boyfriend of 9 years said me Tackle some things on your own.. I felt betrayed i dont know how to feel now. I feel sick to be overly dependent on someone to make me feel better..it hurts a lott..when people don't care..agter few days ..
Honestly I am so grateful we have free healthcare in the uk, but also my nhs therapist literally just discharged me the minute I started realising how much I struggle with codependency :') I've done sooo much work on boundaries since then and it is definitely getting easier but I'm constantly floored by the amount of suffering caused to so many by the lack of mental health support access here. I can't imagine how hard it is for all the completely untreated people in the states but I hope lots of you out there are healing anyway 🥺
Well we do have medicaid which pays for low income people. We do have programs in place if its not affordable. Really not as bad just many people need encouraging to go to therapy and be willing to find the right fit thats where there’s many people that decide to go untreated because they dont WANT the help instead of it not being available to them.
Im crying my eyes out realizing just how deep in I am and so are they.. I just don’t want to loose them either. I don’t know if I have a stable enough support network to survive distancing myself.
I feel you so much.. Currently trying to not go back because he's a narcissist and I know i depend on him. Also I have no support either, it feels so lonely and such a big hill to climb. I don't know who I am on my own. Thinking of you
#3 Is a problem for me. I keep working on it. I definitely practice more kindness. I am in a DBT group to have more tools. #2 check the facts is so important. If I am in am emotional mind I don't make good desisions. #1 I did therapy. I did EMDR. Currently in DBT. I go to 12 step meetings and havw a co sponsor
Very informative video. Loved it! I am going more deep with this type of work. I think we need to work on ourselves first. I understood myself and others better when I learned about codependency, emotions and, boundaries on a whole new level from Andrew Kenneth Fretwell's book, Emotional Alchemy: The Love & Freedom Hidden In Painful Feelings Here is a quote that stayed with me: "Do you ever find yourself saying "yes" to things you don't really want to do, or feeling guilty about saying "no" to others? This can be a sign of an Earth imbalance within you. The Earth Phase also has a lot to do with our sense of boundaries - our ability to confidently say "no" and "yes" in a balanced way. When we can calmly decline things that don't serve us, or embrace things that do, we're embodying the qualities of a strong Earth. When boundaries are not clear it is easy to experience disappointment and manipulation." Blessings.
Hey Kati! I have a friend that has OSDD. We are becoming more romantic and looking towards a relationship, and this is all new to me! If you’re looking for video ideas, I’d love to learn more about it so I can be as supportive as possible! ❤️✨
First time commenting on RU-vid. So anyways story time. I’m 19 yrs old living with my parents and I have no financial independence, no job and no drivers license. I feel like I can’t show my feelings around my parents and on top of that I’m really am trying my best to take care of my grandmother. I am in college but it feels like I’m trapped mentally. The only thing I know how to do is pretty much is clean. I was never taught how to cook or do other basic(like doing my hair) things or learn about getting a job, an apartment etc. I really want to get back to getting both physically and mentally well again as well as going back to martial arts as well as hanging out with my friends. Is this a sign of codependency from my parents or is this life? If this is codependency, what should I do to gain independence and not remain feeling like I am living in a box?
So I need a little help. I am most likely in a codependent friendship (it was my friend who brought it up, and based on the usual signs, it's more than likely), but my friend doesn't seem bothered. Which is nice for me, but.... he's losing himself, he admitted as much. How could I help him, without becoming too much in terms of telling him to care about himself? (I am working on myself but that won't help him focus on himself. That helps me notice what is healthy and what isn't)
Read scripture, stay close to faith community, marriage is only for adults. Abraham put God first, family second. If we put God first, we are not clingy to others.
You got this try to balance with some friendships exercise find strength in your self and find purpose in your way of life more so then just the relationship you can build an empire with your partner and both be successful make sure your dieting rite and eating protien and express how your feeling to your partner
As someone going through a breakup currently,this is just what I needed. Now I finally see the fallacies and where I went wrong in my relationship, alas a little too late. Thanks Kati for the video.
How do you not need others? I can’t seem to figure out how to be independent and have validation/reassurance come from inside me. Idk. It is really lonely but I’m trying to learn how to accept the feeling. It seems like everyone else can manage it so much better than me
No honey, you are not alone. If you weren’t taught at a young age true safe love, It’s going to be hard. But sit with that feeling. You get stronger. It’s fucking hard I hate it. But I hope you get a little better
I didn’t realize how badly codependent I truly am 😢.. I feel the need to be in a relationship and I’m clingy I didn’t understand I have always tried to ‘help’ others and I always felt the need to help help help others no matter how it effects me and usually it was overwhelming to me..I didn’t realize that I may be ‘helping’ to make others like or accept me 😢I didn’t realize that … I do notice I am changing myself to be accepted by others
You are empowered to realize where others have had power over you! I hope since you have posted this that you've been able to make positive changes towards independence and interdependence with others. You can do it and you are worthy and complete on your own, without validation from others. Healing love to you as you find where others end and you begin - self love and respect is the most beautiful thing and such a great model to those around us 💝
I disagree with one of these things. When we're working on ourselves, we don't have to tell others that we are, and we don't have to make our emerging new selves easier for others to handle. I think that's being too much of a people pleaser to think that we absolutely MUST say this or that to someone. If we're not comfortable answering questions, we don't have to be open to that, either. We are the guardians of our life stories; we share what we're comfortable with and nothing more.
When you care about and love people, you’re clear and open with them. Suddenly changing yourself or your behavior can be seen very differently from the other side unless they know what’s going on. Plus, you’re likely to get a “Good for you! How can I support you?” type of response.
I understand some people can accept they don't have a great eye or mind for seeing unhealthy or dangerous friendships or relationships we may be in and so we do not feel safe entirely in sharing such details. Then might you say it's enough to explain we are building boundaries, and may seem a bit different in that process and ask them to be understanding with that?
If you’re in a relationship and you are going to spend more time alone to relax into solitude you let them know the changes you are going to make.. that’s what she’s saying
It seems obvious now, but I never really thought about the OTHER person when it comes to my codependency. What I mean is I thought I was the one who was 100% at fault for everything. Watching this video made me realize that as I lean into my codependency by taking care of my boyfriend, he leans into it too by expecting me to take care of his needs and wants because I took a more mother role than girlfriend role. I need to put up much stronger boundaries, but I also need him to lean on himself (which setting my boundaries will force him to do). I’m realizing that my behaviors have put some behaviors in others into motion. So if I want him to use the laundry basket, I need to stop picking up his clothes as he throws them all around the house 😅 I have a lot of work to do, but I’m motivated now!
It felt like I wrote this comment. I experienced the same thing with my ex. I burnt myself out because I needed him to pull his weight but by picking up the slack I was enabling his behaviour.
I'm from a very emotionally immature family, I've watched your video on how to heal from this but I want to get more in depth with it and I want to be able to be more open to people sooner. I just can't seem to get myself to do it. I want to scream and yell without caring what people are going to say about me but I can't bring myself to not care.
Ok. If you picture people talking s words... It shifts the person ( enmeshment) symbiosis into your attention 2 their words ... And off you being dependent your interpretation of your idea of what they think of you
And your interest in their pictured ( cc) words outa da mout. Your anxiety on your pleasing or not pleasing dem... Your conscious on picturing their words ... And of what. You think they think of you .. go try um... See da words like one movie subtitles... But just keep tryn... Practice makes more likely
Around a month ago, me and a codependent friend said we needed a "break" from our friendship. At the beginning of the month, I felt betrayed when she skipped my birthday and made me out as the problem despite her being the one skipping an important day to me. I didn't want to lose her, so I totally gave into her. She ignored me for a week without explanation. After we talked again, at the end of the month, she told me things that hurt me severely, so I told her I needed a break. For a while, I felt free, because I cut someone out of my life who didn't actually like me the entire time; she wanted my attention. She wanted someone she could always talk to and rely on emotionally. She wanted someone who was willing to show her new people, when she'd never show me hers. Today I randomly thought about her and felt a pit in my stomach. I remembered the times our friendship was nothing but fun, bonding, and not having a care in the world or having any problems with each other. When life got stressful, she hurt me. It's gonna take me a while to get better, but I'm going to invest more in the other friendships I have and my boyfriend. Codependent friendships always crash and burn.
The only reason I don't think this is actually my ex friend is because this post is 5 months old, and not 2 months. I did hurt her pretty badly, but she came on to my boyfriend and tried to get him to cheat with her. Regrettable that I'd give in to my feelings and lash out, but what realistically did she think was going to happen? This is exactly how she would word things to avoid looking bad. She knew how I was struggling with self esteem and loving myself, and she took advantage of my trust in her to try to get laid. It's hard to not talk to someone all the time, but even though I'm codependent, I'd rather talk to a hippo in the Nile than even look at her ever again. Honestly, maybe it was for the better. She taught me that I can enforce my boundaries and I'll be supported and loved even though I said "no." What a great last gift she gave me.
I'm in a complicated just friends/definitely into each other relationship. This is the closest thing to a romantic relationship that I have ever had and I am learning so much about myself. I worry about him constantly, I worry that I am annoying him, I want to make sure he is ok 24/7, I prioritize him over everything. I had no idea that I struggled with codependency until now and I am so thankful that I realized it. I'm excited to get better and I'm hoping that things work out well between us. I'm gonna start by practicing self care and talking to him a little less. I'm going to give God all of my worries and let go.
Hi Hallie! I love the way you put it. I am also currently facing a similar situation. So, your words are healing. I wish you both good luck and I hope the universe guides us well! :)
I once met a lovely woman who quickly became totally obsessed with me. I could tell really quickly that she was desperate to make someone love her. She was fine, but I felt hopelessly engulfed in her love. She made a plea to me out of the blue in a near panic. I change the relationship to a friendship. I think she was relieved. I nudged her to get into therapy. She had garbage boundaries and worked to slave away for her mother and others, and totally neglected her needs. It was painful to watch such a young woman throw her entire life away for nothing of value just to feed her mother who can't get a job. She did go to therapy. After paying for her mother and working so hard, she barely had money and time for it, but the therapist was greatly helpful. The therapist referred to her some books and even recited some points I made to her. The problem with being a people pleaser is that it scares people so they push you away. That makes the person double their efforts and blame themselves. Learning to take care of yourself and focus on yourself gives others freedom to like or dislike you. That let's them like you. They feel happy to be around you. She got a lot better.
@@SirenaSpades She didn't. She had a super strong case for people pleasing. She reported to me that her therapist diagnosed her the same way. She also was neither manipulative nor narcissistic. She didn't have the mood and temper. I have seen BPD first hand, I know what it is.
Kati, you are amazing! 💚 This video goes up the morning after me and my boyfriend had a deep conversation (I struggle with codependency as a part of my bpd) and this is exactly the support I needed! Thank you so much for what you do! You’ve made my life significantly better! P.S: one of my favorite ways to self care is cooking something really good for just myself!☺️
I really needed this. Both of us were codependent. Both had addiction issues. I paid all the bills. Gave up my revovery and life just to be closer to her. Then i found out she had a sugar daddy giving her money when i was going into debt taking care of her. Im glad its over and i dodged that bullet. I want to set boundaries and never neglect my own well being again.
How can we learn to feel bonded and supportive while not being codependent? I have adhd and struggle making decisions and get very enthusiastic and excited to spend time with my friends and family, and get overzealous when dating. It’s frustrating! I have a solid happy life alone, but I look forward to new adventures with others. Is that unhealthy?
I find there are so many definitions of codependency out there that I’m still not entirely sure what it means in its most basic terms. That’s what I’d really like to know.
I'm for sure struggling with codependency after being raised by a narcissist mother. I have built a life structure of codependency even if I'm now in a relationship with a mentally healthy & stable person. I find it hard to branch out and meet new people/ make friends and achieve my goals. But I'm working on it though.
after spending so much time watching your videos, I unfortunately have no medical insurance & you've become my hopefully temporary form of "outpatient therapy" lol!. I have realized so much about myself & people whom I've surrounded myself with. it has helped me out a lot. I've also ran out of both my anti-anxiety meds & an anti-depressant due to lack of insurance. I also suffer from PTSD. undiagnosed but once it was explained to me, made perfect sense. basically I'm a mess lol! a mess whom has 2 beautiful children under the age of 5. that's another story all by itself. basically, i'm a retired 50 year old, by no fault of my own. it's been truly hard these last couple of years & am hoping that light I do see at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming freight train. anyway, thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me try to figure myself out
This hit me, this is me. However, my father who is the source dependant, did not have any abuse, but could be unpredictably angry for random things, and just take the car and leave. My codependency has been to not make him angry. I realize I have suppressed a lot of feelings and wishes during my childhood, and I question pretty much every decision I have ever made. Was it really what I wanted? Now I have transferred this codependency to my boyfriend, even though he is not the same! I make up thoughts in my head that he is going to think or react in the same way as my dad, and that makes me scared. So I compensate for that, even though it is not true. We also have other problems right now in our relationship, so I'm scared all the time that he is going to be mad and leave me. Thank you Kati for what you do, you are a safe ray of sunshine that helps a lot. ❤
Got BPD and recognize myself in this, but only ended up losing my husband this weekend. Feel I gave him my all, no more friends, needed therapy but didn't ("no baby no therapy dont share secrets, i will fix you I'm your doctor" but after 5 years still doesn't remember the word Borderline), feel so hurt by so much betrayal throughout the marriage. Was gaslit so much... so now ended up with nothing, every prevention or support video is about turning to friends or family, I have no one anymore... at 44 feel like a little child crying for her mother (lost her 3 years ago), but really lost in this world now
I’m so sorry your going through this!!!! I’m also bpd and anxious attachment style and have struggled badly and have been getting help from therapy and reading books and can be an ear for you and send you some good books and therapists if you’d like as well as showing you some support groups you can join for free!!
I know it's hard, I wasn't married but was with someone for many years. I also had lost all my friends but 1 that I can't turn to for much, and don't have any family to turn to. It does get better, I'm the happiest I've been in over a decade. Take this time to really figure out what actually makes you happy. I've gotten really into gardening and making bread, 2 things that I've never had any interest in but when I'm doing them I forget about everything. I'd recommend you try and find something that gives you your escape from your thoughts.
Start small. The smallest. Just write and if that’s too much in the moment just get up and walk around your house. Not because you have to but because you WANT to. Find friends online with Facebook group chats and things like that. Watch videos of different hobbies on RU-vid and find something that interests you enough to try. Don’t think about the future just go day by day. Put yourself out there and you’ll find people. There’s meaning to life. Just go out and find it. Even if you don’t, everyone’s purpose is to just live life and enjoy it. Even if it’s alone. Because it really is up to YOU to make it enjoyable. I know it’s so hard to get out of this mindset that we are in. I’m going through something so similar except I don’t have a child just my one pet. It feels like my world ended and now I don’t have a purpose. I want to enjoy life and I convinced myself I couldn’t without my husband but I can and so can you. I think it just takes time. It’s only been four days for me but I’ve been to the hospital and got prescribed stuff to lower my blood pressure because I have been stressing nonstop for days.
Love watching your videos. I am in therapy classes and I’m doing the hard work on fixing myself to better my life in a positive direction for life moving forward and also trying to fix my badly broken marriage of 20 years. I find your videos helpful and look forward to the new ones every week. Thanks 🙏 ❤
Hope all is going well now that you’re in therapy. Hang in there, stay determined and communicate, communicate, communicate with your husband, I’m sure the marriage is worth fighting for
TIL that I have all the classic signs of codependency, and I was just crying while reading it all. I've always thought of myself as a good person who wants to help others, but I never equated it with being detrimental to who I am. I've been this way for as long as I can remember, and I turn 40 this year. My fiancee uses the term on a somewhat regular basis (not in describing our relationship), but I'd never really considered what it meant until tonight. For some reason, tonight was the night I finally decided to look into it, and I was horrified to feel like, as I read the words it literally felt like my inner monologue was the song "Killing Me Softly With His Song". Thank you for this video, as now I at least have a starting point to aim for to begin repairing myself.
I practice yoga in the morning. I am raising a toddler. Just us two. I have found when I do not commit to my morning practice I have much less patience for myself and others throughout the day. 5 to 30 minutes. Sometimes after my son wakes, which in that case I'm a downward dog jungle gym.
I don't know why this channel keeps popping up in my suggestions. But this woman (Kati?) reminds me of Nicole Sullivan's character in Scrubs. There is even something in the way she speaks that reminds me of that character.
About 20 hours ago, I opened your "Are u ok?" book, exactly for the purpose of looking up "codependency", and within 24 hours I see this new video. What is Google telling you about what I'm reading? :)
I need help, my friend had many , many sings of mental illness he had over 15 panic attacks in a whole year , mood swings , sleeping problems and extreme worry about even the slightest things , its clear he needs psychological help but he is very young only 14 years old and if he asked his parents for theraphy , but they would just ask why and he doesnt know what to respond i want to help him and many other of his friends want to help him even tho we are just online friends , can anyone tell me what i should do with this situation what do i do for him to get proffesional help which i know he needs , what do i do?
Thank you! I'm going through a breakup with my ex for 15 years, who happens to be borderline. And this fits my personality to a tee. Know i now what i need to work on.
Im definitely the "addicted" one the dynamic and its been hard, but helpful, to admit to myself. Not necessarily to just drugs (just weed), but to my hobbies and impulses in general. My boyfriend is always my best supporter but I lean on him too much and he's definitely lost himself a bit because of it. Im hoping I can start leaning on myself more and give him the space to explore his own interests and goals going forward.
I am codependent to my family... I was the golden son who did everything right... gave all my paycheck to my father... every single penny. I made me feel great about myself and my father would sometimes say "you will give me all your earnings to me until I die." He would add, "if you need money for something just ask me". I was stupid enough to buy that shit happily for 4 years until I left the country. And when I got to the new country, I used to send him 1000 dollars every month for another 7 years until he passed away. My relationship with the rest of the family continued. My mother is a narcissist and has the support of all my siblings this has impacted me significantly mentally and professionally in my career. I tried to explain, no one lessons so I had to cut contact with my mother and all siblings... I am not sure if this will have any negative long term impacts on my health.
You freed yourself and you were right. It's staying long term in abuse that causes health issues. Now you're "free" and maybe lonely but you can heal at least and meet respectful ppl 😊 Take good care of yourself
Thank you Kati for the quality content, it is a wholesome addition to my therapy and meds. Mental health is crazy hard if you are dealt a bad hand (or head), it is easier with you. Codependency is a big chunk of my problems, but slowly getting to know myself better, which helps. 1,5 years of therapy have been both excruciating and wonderful, wanted to quit it a hundred times, but my current (3rd) therapist is a really lovely human being (with some relatable flaws and a thirst for understanding), to whom I already grew too attached - but it keeps me there and makes for a good discussion topic ;)
Self-care for me looks like mindful creativity and social exploration when I’m not isolating and recovering. I longboard for an aerobic activity that lets me see new places and faces. I sing and mess around with goofy voices and characters. I also practice photography, hoping to better connect with others... and study various communication techniques for healthier, more empathetic and meaningful conversation. I couldn't speak to how well I do all these things. I only know they are where I find the most authentic joy and warmth in my heart when I set time aside for them... and when I find people who supoort them. Finally, and most importantly... I’m in therapy.
Thank you for your wonderful content. Would it be possible to do a video discussing strategies to navigate executive dysfunction, especially when it comes to cleaning? The paralysis is real 😅
I actually just talked about this in an upcoming AKA.. someone was struggling with their symptoms of ADHD and PTSD. I will look into it more for sure!! xoxo
So here is an interesting thought… I do feel emotionally needy at times. However, I am happiest when I am taking care of someone… When they need me, I struggle with addictive behavior… But my significant other doesn’t like when I’m needy. She is also quite independent? I’m not sure if that’s the right word but she does not like taking care of me when I am needy. I remember one time she hurt herself pretty bad, fracturing her ankle. She was crying, which is so rare for her and she asked me to hold her. My reaction was. “Awwwwww! “ I teared up as much from the fact that she was in so much pain, but also because she actually needed me… And told me… She asked me… When I feel needy and that I want to cuddle, she’s not into that at all😅 of course it doesn’t take much for me to be needy lol no broken bones… So I don’t know where that leaves me. Just thinking of the word codependent I thought it’s sort of fit because I need to be needed if that makes sense. But maybe that’s not the definition.
As the guy you all seem to think is the bad guy, I don't need you to save me. I don't want to change. It's as simple as that. *You* came on to *me.* I clearly told you I am not romantically interested in you, but it goes deeper than that. She must be addicted to the pain of being let down, failing to care for someone--who knows. I just wish you could see that I would be much happier if you had your own life and goals. I don't like to see you suffering, and I clearly stated that I wanted a roommate who is "somewhere between a business partner and a friend... or maybe an amicable acquaintance." I think *I'm* the victim here, because I am fine with how I am. I have my own goals and aspirations, but I'm so emotionally drained from walking on eggshells that I can't move forward with my career, and it's p***ing me off royally. *Leave your brutally honest criticisms and advice in the replies please.*
I always took on the role of caregiver. My parents needed me and now I'm in a relationship where I put my partner's needs before mine. I'm not happy. I ask for very little but I still don't get It. Yet, I can't leave him. We broke up once and It was really hard. A year later, I feel like breaking up but I can't. I need help and I feel lonely. I wish I could find a more balanced relationship, I really do. This can't be It.
Nothing worse than becoming co dependent on a narcissist. It's torture. Other people I've been co dependent on, it's manageable. Just stay way clear of narcissists, it'll ruin your life.
I've been this way all my life. I've been codependent on my sister's family for years. When her kids aren't here playing with my kids I feel sad. I hate it. I'm desperate to find a way to stop feeling that way.
I've had no idea where or who to ask, how to search on Google, etc... and of course I think of Kati. Maybe someone in the comments would know. I'm curious if there is a term for someone who would rather do something they know you don't like and apologize for it afterwards rather than just not do the thing you don't like? They'd rather eat your food and apologize for it afterwards because then they get the food, they'd rather buy something expensive without asking and apologize for it afterwards because then they get the thing they wanted... they're not worried about someone getting upset with them and would rather apologize if it means they get what they want. I'm just trying to learn effective ways to work with this feeling but I don't even know where to begin. Thank you in advance, if someone knows how to point me in the right direction. 💕
I have watched some codependent/fixer/giver/rescuer videos, but it is rarely mentioned that it is not easy to be on the other end either, when you are not asking for help, or advice, and you dont want others to fix your life and they still keep crossing that boundary again and again, and when you say no, then they ignore it or there is argument, and you are being ungrateful to them, or they start crying and feel that you hate them when the only thing you said is that i dont need advice, help, service from that person.
You'll have nutritional deficiencies from eating the same thing every day and psychological implications if you always rely on controlling your food exactly
I developed this after experiencing a significant trauma (or at least traits that are toxic and very similar to this). So, am choosing to remove myself from this which Is a monumental task but doable. Appreciate your content, thank you.
I've been thinking a lot of how to raise a child. I didn't have a peaceful childhood which leads to many dramas in my life, so I just wonder if I have a child and I take care of him/her well, both physically and mentally, within limits, would they have a better life? Would they have a lot less drama, less toxic/narcissistic/self-centered people entering their life? I doubt it because how they could avoid/not meet these types of people throughout their life and they would end up somehow like me. This is part of the reasons I don't want to create any humans
Codependency is tricky for me to understand. I love being close to a partner or friends and I’ve time it down bc many I find don’t like it or understand it. So now I mostly run single and sometimes lonely, but I managed to deal. I’m certainly not a push over and thought why I choose to be single so I don’t have to compromise too much of myself.
I do see ppl. that are clingy with their partners and that makes feel uneasy bc to me that’s not love and someone setting themselves up for being taken for granted. I learned this from being that way when I was younger. I just had a thought, what if you and your partner are both codependent? Would that work? I also wondered about 2 ppl. that were mentally challenged and making it work and married to one another. To me that’s like double the issues, but that’s my thinking.
Hi Kati, thank you so much for this video and especially for treating codependency as a human experience whereas in the past I would do research online and would feel shame for the way codependent relationships were described as "narcissistic". It is also hard to feel ok as a person when people point out my "enabling" habits. I've been working on this issue for years. Since I was 18 years old, I took myself to therapy without my family's permission and now I'm almost 29 years old and realize how the legacy of complex trauma shows up in my life through codependent relationships, enmeshment, boundary issues etc. One thing I learned from one of your videos is that friends are supposed to support each other to grow. It is often a good telltale sign that something isn't right when you try to communicate that you're working on yourself and the other person is unhappy. I've had that recently and recognized that pattern to negotiate my boundaries whenever I would get a push back or criticism so this time I stuck to my boundaries so hard and it weathered the storm and now I'm sort of on the other side of the storm with this person except she no longer is interested in a friendship. I feel discarded and broken. But at the same time believe I did my best with being compassion while at the same time setting boundaries. i believe i did the right thing and communicated in the way from my Wise Core Susan Self (I named my Wise Mind lol) but she didn't like it and was hurt. I then acknowledged that she was feeling hurt and sad and I sent compassion to her hurting inner child who feels rejected. We had a long phone call and she would rapidly shift from "hot" anger and blaming me/guilting me to sadness to saying "I hear you but why cant we compromise" to which I had replied because compromise is not something that fits being applied to boundaries. To which she argued "why do you get your needs met and i dont?" It was chaotic and intense but I remained within my window of tolerance the best i could for the duration of the phonecall and I collected data about what friendship means to her and how it is so different from my own definition and that is a big factor about why she was so disappointed in me for the changes I was making. I was proud of myself for the courage I had exercised. However after that call, I struggled to care for myself and to cope with different areas of my life and especially now that i have one less "addiction source". The call sort of ended with me telling her "it is getting late and i dont want to keep up, especially since you have covid and can probably use rest" and I sort of suggested we take it slow in a "starting over" kind of way. This was a few weeks ago. We barely spoke to each other. In fact she had expressed several times in the phonecall that if i cant let her vent to me as often as she needs, she isnt interested in really having a friendship at all and feels too hurt to even "start over" but then other times she said she would try starting over . I still ruminate on it and this is just one of my codependent relationships currently. I find it hard to heal especially when I know that even though I usually play the caretaker role that I also have several mental illness diagnosis and there are times when the other person and I switch roles and takes care of me. It makes things even more complex. It is almost like even though I'm primarily the caretaker, when I burn out, the other person temporarily becomes caretaker until I can go back to caretaking again. And this time I was aware of that potential route as well so I made sure I wasn't putting my burnout stress onto her as much as I was putting boundaries about her habits of dumping onto me. What is hard is her denial and that I apologized well and she sort of said "sorry you felt like I ignored you but I really didn't. I was just feeling very hurt" Yes you were feeling hurt but that doesn't negate the fact that you gave me silent treatment for 3 weeks and would not engage in any messages that were not related to your venting habits. I start to feel cheated and angry when I ruminate
be careful about calling everything an addiction, too. sometimes a bad habit needs change and it's not parallel to a heroine addiction where they literally could die without it.
Katie, take as much time off as you need here and there. Do whatever balancing you have to. Just keep doing what you do. You make a difference I know this feels off topic for this one subject but I've seen three "I need some time off RU-vid" videos in the last year. It's ok buddy. You're allowed to be healthy and take care of yourself. Thank you Katie.
