Thanks Julia. I have known I am codependent for a long time, but it wasn't until I was in a crisis that I have recently turned to CODA. I can relate to all of these symptoms you point out and most of the patterns of codependency described at my CODA meetings. For me, as I have discovered, impression management and external referencing ,discussed in Anne Schaef's book on codependency, are others sides of this issue that have been really detrimental to my life and relationships and resulted in me living a life in near complete fear. Moreover, underneath I am naturally a helper, so it was really enlightening when you discussed how to understand when your help is unhealthy: the boundary between sympathy and empathy and how one is sustainable and the other is draining and promotes all sorts of negative feeling and thoughts. Also really helpful, was when you pointed out how we feel neglected and used when are efforts aren't acknowledge. You are so correct when you say it is first about realizing codependency's role in your life. Thanks. I look forward to doing something about those root causes. Take Care.
Julia Kristina Counselling im not codependent. there is a dance step that men do and another women do thats a codependent narcissistic dance. its cultural it comes out of sexism ,dichitomous top and bottom pimp culture. second im looking for someone like my dad.
Julia Kristina Counselling, wow.. I guess I can relate to a few of the symptoms mentioned, not all, so now i wonder if there are different levels of codependent and if so, is there different treatment?
I can be codependent in a relationship, but when am not in one I feel perfectly well rounded. I start having strong feelings for someone then I start feeling myself losing my identity to some degree wanting to solve their problems etc. I hate how it makes me feel not my significant other I’ve learned it’s my own hang up.
5 signs of an unhealthy relationship 1 love bombing 2 oversharing / speed of start to serious 3 boundaries, losing self / having few/ unhealthy time domination 4 belitlment- it's " just a joke" reduced selfworth 5 aggression they have a temper and you can't speak your mind or be you.
Connor Dutton being on our own gives us the false impression of being in power of ourselves. And also we’re not codependent in every relationship... if the other person is more interested in us than we are in them, you feel quite certain of yourself. Well, that’s what I think... I’m no specialist.
If you are reading this, You are good enough. You deserve to love yourself. Alone is okay. Alone should feel safe. The subconscious you that knows what is good for you, wants these things for you. So trust that voice. When you're alone and feel like you need the company of others to feel wanted and needed, remember that you already have that and it is within yourself. Instead of giving that company to people outside of you, give it to that voice instead. It wants your company as much as you want the company of others. Let us build that relationship first before building relationships with others. Good day or goodnight. ❤️
@Mybiz it's like she says, set boundaries. It's not too late. You are an alpha male. You the oldest in the family and you deserve the best because you had the hardest job. Your mate should automatically compliment birth order. I Am Number 5 out of 8 and I am only attracted to the oldest. I guess because I'm a woman with 9 Lives who can balance the world on my finger while my alpha male looks after things but he not feel bound and gagged by the family. That's a hard job it should not be the way you have I feel for you
Codependency is when you take over someone else's problems and responsibilities - solve AND do it for them. Being a hero, savior, rescuer, etc. The need to feel needed. Or serving from a place of "lack" (out of fear or guilt, or obligation, like you owe them). Or to maintain an unhealthy/toxic relationship. It makes you feel resentful, bitter, frustrated later. At the moment, overwhelmed, stressed, tired. Like you can't keep doing it. You feel you're being ripped off or getting taken advantage. AND it causes you to neglect your OWN problems and responsibilities, your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs about things.
1. fix others problems for fear of abandonment. 2. fear of saying no. survival of relationship is up to you. 3. resentful for not being recognized for.. 4. not being yourself to avoid conflict, to avoid more abandonment. 5. hard time trusting yourself, afraid to make a mistake. 6. fix their problems 7. may do anything to hold on to relationship even if its unsafe or destructive. 8. will to do anything to be needed by that person. 9. hard to identify your own feelings. 10. feel worth in relationship if you feel needed. 11. more of the same as above. alot of these sounds the same and seem to stem from abandonment issues from childhood.
I always wonder sometimes why people post full videos that could be just as informative in the amount of time it takes for them to do the into so...thanks.
🤔WOW!!! SAME HERE....FINALLY at 37 years old I just identified im the root of my own frustration😣😣😣. Im relieved now to have understanding of myself 🙆♀️🙆♀️🙆♀️
I am 42 years old and today I have discovered by watching your video that codependency has been ruining my life and I had no idea. Needless to say your video has opened my eyes, I am in shock right now. This is life changing for me, I know what my issue is and now to work on making things better. I have struggled with this my whole life and didn't even know it. Thank you so much for educating me and giving me the answers I have been searching for. This is coming at the right time.
Jose Gonzalez So happy to hear it! From one codepended to another- we are Good at taking care of others, try to turn that care toward YOU! Make it your mission to treat yourself like you are the one who needs your care! :)
@@clarkkent3730 Not quite. It's our emotional injuries which always begin from childhood. Those injuries just need to be felt and released. God already built everything within us to heal our own soul. There was nothing lacking when your soul was constructed. It's so simple. We shouldn't over complicate it.
No. Codependency has not ruined your relationships. The other person could have loved you through it. There is nothing wrong with loving your mate. So many relationships and marriages worked through that. Nowadays what is being taught is craziness. You don't have to agree with everything that is taught, especially on the internet. Ask little old people what kept their marriages together, even codependent ones. They have the answers.
The big one for me was realising I'm always feeling like I'm being taken for granted or not thanked, or appreciated for all that I've given...perhaps I was giving with an unconscious expectation that I would be appreciated, or would be recognised...and it just never happened, I never got the payoff I didn't consciously know I wanted which was validation. All I got was abuse, pain, exhaustion and the loss of my self in the process. At least now I know 😌
This last month was horrible to me, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and I really thought it was the end of the word. He gave me happiness every day but he makes me feel not enough as well. I was trying to be the perfect girl but he always has something negative to say about me. For him, I was a problem. Then, I start thinking about why we still together because at that point nothing has sense. I realized that I have been solving his problems constantly. Why on earth you would decide to break up with someone like me? Weeks later, the answer was clear... There was no more love in the relationship. Just a codependent couple with a beautiful past but not aware of their messy present. Now, I am trying to focus on my self and recovering from the deepest depression that I have ever had. It's just matters of time. I hope it will get better.
Yah that’s why In Islam partner is not excepteble because something will happen in the relationship and one of the cuple will get depressed and not happy frankly,already your creator study it for us so it is red line because it’s following desire and there is not responsiblety in the relationship see you can leave anytime that’s why it’s an open door for evil May Allah subhanaho wa taala keep him away from us.Ameen.
I'm a recovering codependent son of a divorced covert-narcissistic mother and overt-narcissistic farther. I was used as a weapon between them and it stripped me of self identity for many years. Now I have removed them and my entire family from my life, slowly I becoming my own person. Refreshing to hear my problems told back to me; thank you and good luck to all fellow codependents on the road to recovery x
My father was very abusive to me accused me of codependent lacking cause and effect steals from my bank account "money management" "everybody has a budget" groupthink. He gaslights me calls me a liar, because I told you so he's saying alot lately, he hit me once across the back. My mother was very inconsistent emotionally cheerful but long sustained rage, violent mood swing tendacies, rebellious and stubborn definitely! talkative, love walking gift giver, artistic (photography, art, crafts) big spender, slow, methodical she too would be abuse me as non assertive she'd scream at me. She hated her father I have very low self esteem because of my upbringing. My dad never takes my opinions seriously by manipulating er I mean he hides behind a joke, or religion or I told you so. I absorbed alot of my mother. I get told to be strong from his family. I can't take it anymore!!!!!
Ending up in a string of relationships with messed up people because you think you can “help them” is a huge sign that you are codependent!! Always ending up in relationships with people who have mental/emotional issues or addictions, because you think you can “help them” seems, at first, to be such a selfless and beautiful thing to do - but deep down inside it’s because you think that these are the only type of people who will love you…people who are “even more screwed up than I am”, people who will NEED you, desperately depend on you. You deserve better, you deserve people who will lift YOU up! Realize your true self worth, you don’t have to be Superman/superwoman in order to be ENOUGH, in order to be LOVED! I found this truth through meditation, you can too! Namaste! 🧘🏼♀️☯️🕉❤️
Just realised that i'm a codependent. I always thought i was just more thoughtful, considerate and caring but now everything makes sense. The worst part is that my gf is borderline so it feels like we are both walking on eggshells for different reasons and it's just overwhelming. I feel like i am losing my mind.
Same thing for me. It made me think that I was maybe also borderline in some ways. Maybe I am, but not to the same extend. I ended up having to break off the relationship. Even though it was very very difficult for me to do.
I have been true that feeling so many times … I still cant figure. out how to comunicate well with her .. She left me 2 times .. the second time she moved out .. i have no words to describe the pain i felt .. i tought that takkng drugs were helping me .. but i ended up in therapy .. got back on my feets .. 40 years old and those. were the worst moments of suffering i had to endure .. And you know what ? she came back 5 month ago .. crying and telling me how much she loved me .. guess what im still with her hahhahha im fuckkng sick ! Dlnt give up the fight .. im good at telleing poeple what to do .. if my friend lived this with another girl i would tell im to leave that toxic person .. that he deserves more .. and i cant even convince myself i need better .. im convinced im deeply in love .. that his not love ! but my sick head keeps me in it good luck
@@adriannefluet5980 i dont get it neighter ! We have issues if we love and give our truSt to someone now in days .. i made a big mistake and ill never do it again. As simple as that Lol
I'm pushing the love of my life away because I'm codependent. I'm scared, and sad and I loose myself in our relationship ..... I miss him constantly and get depressed and have no motivation. It's such a vicious cycle.
Holy crap, she is describing me. This has been my case since I've known myself. Growing up with a mom with mental illness, i lost myself always trying to please her and make her feel better. Then I took those bad habits with me when I got married and have been trying to please and help my husband figure his shit out. Always giving and giving but ashamed and too prideful to ask for things in return and set my boundaries. Always waiting for people to appreciate my help and validate me. I'm so sick of it. I will slowly stop caring so much and stop trying to fix everything for everyone. I will redirect my attention to myself and learn from scratch how to set my boundaries. And I will seek help because i need to be heard for once in my life. I will no longer be Bob the builder and the savior of mankind. I have needs, I have interests and my focus will be on them. I won't give unsolicited advice. I'll be there for people but I won't be the one to fix their problems. Enough is enough.
In 47 and after watching this video have just discovered that I am co-dependent. this actually makes me happy because I can now start my recovery. thank you
I always thought I had too much pride to ask anything of anyone or let anyone see weakness in me. I’d rather be the one giving than receive because I hate to feel needy. Now I’m starting to understand that I really deep down feel like loving me is a burden on others. That my needs are “needy”. That I want to be the giver because I need to feel worth something. I’m a mess.
You’re not a mess x Just need to recognise the patterns. I’m the same. I feel like loving others is a given but loving me is something people are going out of their way to be with me. I sometimes forget that people want me bc I’m worth a lot as a person. But at times it does feel like they’re doing me a favour by loving me.
I realize that when I started to set boundaries in my life, my life has gotten better with my time. My time was spread thin because I was helping so many people. So, I got burned out. Now, I am on my self care journey in life.
Codependency almost killed me, and the person I was trying to save. I slowly but willfully put in the work to cut out my codependent tendencies, thoughts, and actions. I stopped swooping in and rescuing those around me. I now realize how much my codependency handicapped their capabilities to help themselves, and how much it handicapped MY capabilities to help MYSELF. Squash the fear, trust! And most importantly take all the sweet time you need to learn to Love yourself firstly so you can love others correctly
I don’t know about need to be needed because it’s great that I’m not needed however I do over extend myself then again I accept it today because I have come to the realization at this moment that if I’m not needed then I’m useless or have no value so why do they want to be with me Omg 😳 I just accepted and acknowledged this at I type this 😭 wow…. That’s crazy and sad at on my behalf because it’s plenty people that do nothing for me and I’m still there with them and love them …
Me too. Learned from my parents & my 14 year relationship with my first boyfriend. I’ve compromised my sanity for him for half my life so I’d still be wanted because no one else could possibly ever want me.
@@menachemvanhalem6444 wow 37 years... It's only been 3 years for me and I'm already exhausted! Hope with this video you are free from this codependency things too!
Most people are co-dependent though. Too much fear within us of how others will respond to us if we say no or act in complete honesty with how we're truly feeling.
Nostalgic_Chaos yeah but not everyone is that way to a severe extent. I’ve basically been a doormat my entire life. I’m not as bad as I was before, but I definitely do need serious help with most of the symptoms she listed.
I start thinking that I am not really "Codependent" at least not to the degree they make me think I start believing that I am simply trashed gaslighted and put down to the point to be a social wreck.............. barely functioning on the last lights on my engine and believing I am sick since they put me down and bully me for years .... and they do it in such a manner that you don't get it a t first and get slowly cooked into being a wrecked person,,,,,,
@@fredericmoresmau9194 don't forget that 'they' are who you attracted to learn this about you. No victims here, it's role playing. Which one do you choose to play now you found out about all this?
Codependant in my current relationship. I have started stating my needs. But it seems that whenever i talk about them they get pushed to the side and they tell me that they feel like they can't do anything right
mini pop kids 666 me too. I just wrote a comment relating to this. Well, mostly my mom’s codependency being the route cause of my boundaries. I form super boundaries. As a child, I felt like I wasn’t supposed to have any and my mother was so boundari-less. I have teetered on cutting people of too quickly, to giving too much of myself unrequited. This was due to my mother’s reinforcement of how negative and selfish not being there for others was. Such bullshit.
But to be honest it happened to me. My Ex was a Sociopath and he abused me emotionally and left me because I didn't fulfill all his needs. Also I lost my good and very well paid Jobs twice because I wasn't perfect and willing to work my ass off just for the will of my bosses. All the time, when I did set boundaries and speak up for myself everything collapsed like a cardhouse and I struggled with life afterwards. But to be honest: I love to stand up for myself and the Jobs where shit anyway. My bosses where assholes and my Ex too. So although I really struggled after saying no, setting boundaries and doing what I want and not what the others wanted, I am still so proud of myself for standing up! So keep it up!
Barbara Duras wow amazing! Indeed you don't sound codependent. But that doesn't mean you're excluded from negative experiences, like in your story. It is better to speak up at your job & I've learned the hard way. It's extremely stressful and it has a way more negative impact on you if you don't speak up. Your story has inspired me.
Its a no win situation. You can please your boss, or you can please your husband ( ex ). but not both. so you decide to choose family over work...and yes, your career will suffer and now your looking for work, which means your husband can treat you like trash. and then when you realize its a no win situation...you become a robot...you have no opinions, no feelings, no ideas. Then one day you stop giving a shit about all the shit from your husband...and dont jump when told to. thats when the husband reconnects with an old girlfriend from college....thats if your lucky, because its messy to leave a narcissist unless they already have one foot out the door.
Up till now, I never realized what codependent meant. Now I understand the impact I've caused by just clingy to another person. I'm the one who's killing my own relationship with the woman I love so much.
I definitely struggled with codependency in the past. I didn't feel like I could fully express who I was and so I hid my true self. It wasn't until I experienced several painful relationships that I realized something needed. The 2 biggest things that helped me was getting connected to a God of my understanding and healing the emotional wounds from my childhood. Thank you for your wisdom!!
OMG!!! This is soooooo me especially with my siblings! Wow! I try to fix their problems with my hard earned income all the time! I hardly say no to them. When I do, guilt comes in and then I cave in because I don't want to "lose their love." I'm always coming to their rescue. I sacrificed myself for them so much. I've started expressing myself to them. I had enough! LORD, DELIVER ME!!!
I was in a relationship where I think I needed to feel needed but I had so much love for this person, ACTUAL LOVE, regardless of this unhealthy traits, that I when they stepped away, I wasn’t resentful, I was happy, and I was actually relieved that somehow they didn’t need me anymore because it was so draining, and I broke the cycle, and I couldn’t be any happier, with what I am becoming now, I am learning boundaries, I am learning how to practice self-love on a daily basis. I am learning to figure out what are my thoughts and now i’ve noticed how a lot of people, made a lot of things about them and I never felt a way because it was so much easier to deal with their issues... than with mine.
Ending a relationship due to his codependency with an abusive partnership. I was being used to escape the torment she put him through because I cared more for him, than he cared for himself. She recently kicked him out and made him sleep outside their door without any blankets and a tee-shirt. Week before, she hit him and saw him with a bleeding ear. He came to me and I agreed that I would let him move in. Took him back to get his stuff, but he couldn’t leave because of his 2 children, and I know his addictive relationship with her. What a 3-way mess, that I let happen over and over, until I finally said no. Embarrassed it took me 5 months to finally get it. Seeking Co-dependency meetings and probably therapy, as I do want a relationship before I die. He was my first love.
I watched the video 'cause I enjoy how knowledgeable you are. As you began I was like, nah-this isn't me... 1st sign: hmm, 2nd: ummm, 3rd: nervous laughter, 4th: UH-OH, 5th: OH GOD... Seems I have some soul searching to do 🙃. Thank you for your work!
Hey I’ve been listening to your videos periodically for awhile and have always enjoyed them. I was recently depressed,lost,angry, unsure why I was feeling the way I was. I couldn’t figure it out I’ve come to the realization that I’m Codependent and I had absolutely no Idea. I thought codependency was the need to be in a relationship. Thank you for your material I’m doing so much better now. I have so much weight off my shoulders and I know what to attack. It’s hard to attack an enemy that you don’t know exists. I’m fighting now. I’m reading and journaling and watching videos on codependency and looking to go to meeting. Thank you so much
Wow, this scared me. What a realization. I connect with 10 out of the 11 signs. I was abandoned by my father when i was 15. I was kicked out of my home. I want to feel better and have healthy relationships.
I was just diagnosed. So thankful for my therapist and the worksheets she gave me to help me heal from my childhood and choices I’ve made since then. Thanks for this video.
Girl, this is so me! And now I think my current partner has come to expect this so when I say NO he gets mad. But I see now that it's unhealthy. I am allowed to say NO. And I have boundaries and MY happiness matters.
I tend to be ready to help others, but do not NEED to be needed. I am perfectly fine with no one NEEDING ME. I never worry that if I can't help them that they will leave me. So I don't think I'm codependent. I just need to set boundaries that I don't always have to help others, it's not my responsibility.
🤔WOW... Finally at 37! Ive gotten understanding of my own inner frustration..👩🏫👩🏫👩🏫THANK YOU! Time to make alot of changes.. Change number #1 TAKE CARE OF ME
For the first time in my life since i was 13 I am alone!! going thru divorce and I am utterly going insane! I can't seem to accept the fact that this super toxic person has left me for good. she has broken me down into nothing and I am having such a hard time coping. please God help me get thru this without destroying myself in the process.
I don’t think I am a codependent, in fact I know I’m not...I think I am an adult who was raised with a codependent mother. Just recently my mother started attending AL-ANON. The first time in my life she is setting beautiful boundaries. I have always had boundaries, and she has always pushed past them when I was younger. As I have gotten older, I realized that I have always kept her at arms reach. I have never trusted her. And at times, I have felt betrayed by her. She has blamed my stubborn boundaries on my being an only child. She would always say this to others as an excuse for my guarded participation or outright refusal to participate. This “defensiveness”of mine is causing me a problem in other relationships.
Wow this scares me but also makes sense to me. I was always a little worried that I was in some ways dependent in my relationships. The background story matches to what you mentioned - crazy childhood and alcoholic mom. In relationships that cause me stress I feel nervous and often won't stand my ground when setting boundaries. The fear of abandonment also causes me extreme panic when considering ending a relationships. Even when holding on and trying to help a partner I feel stuck and even staying until I feel depressed and extremely unhappy. I only now discovered this video when searching "ways to help someone with depression" as my partner is struggling. I'm not sure what the next step in my life is. I am writing a lot now to discover what I really want and boundaries that I need to make to be healthier. Thank you and I will be subscribing
Alicia, I'm so glad you took the time to share this with me. Yes! Exactly what you said about having had a chaotic upbringing - trust and security and being treated well are not things we are as used to so don't realize it as quickly when we are not getting those things (or even believe we deserve them) in our adult relationships. And yes, you are on exactly the right track by learning about having healthy boundaries for yourself.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Your videos are helping me to take control of my life and to actually think about myself and the ways that I could live a healthier life. Thank you.
When I'm imperfect people don't mind cutting me off. Could be some simple misunderstanding. I'm always afraid to not be needed by others because when they don't need me they don't choose me. 😭 if I'm not needed, people leave.
Wow....I had never heard of codependency before but this was recommended to me by a friend and it changed my whole perspective. I now know what I need to work on and change in my brain to have happy relationships. I’ve never been able to keep a boyfriend or a best friend and this is why, I feel like I’m giving much more than the other person and then I call them out and we fight and they leave and I have to wonder why I’m lonely and why no one will love me as much as I’m willing to love them. Thank you for this!!
I do this sometimes as a middle child in a dysfunctional family I always try to fix things and help people. My middle daughter does this, my niece, etc 🤦♀️😥❤️
this is all new to me just realized this describes my whole life and relationship with my Mom and family and its overwhelming but I am excited to know that this exhaustion and feeling of darkness and unhappy place I have been living in is not normal and there is a way out. I am committed to moving forward and overcoming this codependency. I am ready to be FREE from doing everything for everybody and relinquishing control.
@@Amber-wy9om Jesus commanded us to love others AS WE LOVE OURSEVES. I am 66, and it took me all my life to figure out I was loving others more than I loved myself, by putting them and their needs before my own. And we can't "fix" anyone. That's GOD'S JOB!
Commanding us to love others is just so silly, its 's like being spontaneous on purpose. Commanding and forcing people to do things that do not happen by will power is just one more example of how hypocritical and phony Christianity. "Hey, look at me, I let you go first, I suffer so much that I know i'm right. I'm so humble, I turn the other cheek when I shouldn't. I should have been able to love even more those that wronged me. Eventually Christians do realize that they are completely fake and only interesting in saving their own asses?
I'm recovering myself from codependency. I read a fantastic book by an irish author Aine Tubridy called beyond codependency. It saved me in my opinion.
Stacey, the author of the book is maybe Melody Beattie? Thanks!I also highly recommend “Women who love too much” - was the biggest eye-opener for me so far
Anca Me yes I think you’re right, has to be Melody Beattie. I have just finished it, resonated with me a lot. Thanks for the book recommendation, definitely going to read this next.
I honestly identified with every symptom, and I'm still in the codependent relationship. Although, by the sound of it, I've brought my codependency into most of my relationships by now.
What about the feeling that everyone you meet doesn’t genuinely like you even though you make sure to be the most friendly pleasant person around. Even though you are nice and never cause conflict you still believe people do not like you or care much for you.
One pole of CODA is being in charge and rescuing people; but the other pole is feigning helplessness. My dad was a rescuer type, and I was a helpless victim of life, the role that suited me more. I over-value others to an extreme degree while under-valuing myself nearly all the time. And yes you're right about the conflict/criticism thing. I'm hypervigilant about conflict being the end of a relationship; criticism is a big deal, like a deal breaker for me. Negotiating with others is impossible for me, and boundaries which were never explicit get crossed alot. It's hell.
Relationships require compromise and sacrifice so it’s normal to feel a bit more pressure than usual. BUT if you are overwhelmed to the point of searching the internet to find reasons why you feel so overwhelmed just know that your relationship is definitely toxic. Whether or not your partner is a narcissist, sociopath, or has bpd your just not right for each other. A lot of times people aren’t ready for a relationship too it’s not your fault if you feel you’ve been trying and nothings worked. You may not be compatible, they may be immature/insecure, or have a deeper physiological problem. If you feel it’s worth fighting for then do so but if you feel yourself constantly fighting for it just know that’s not how a healthy relationship works so parting ways is best.
Both my husband and I are codependents. I have been surrounded by alcoholics and co's all my life. I am just rediscovering that I need to work on this a lot, for my own peace and sanity.
I had no clue that this was something that I was experiencing. Thank you for sharing. I recently had a breakup, and I wanted us to work so badly (I still do) that I was willing to do anything to help fix their problems (they have had a lot of trauma in their upbringing related to abuse from a parent) even if it meant me stressing myself out to do so. I’ve often been afraid to stand firm on my non-negotiables because I just wanted us to work, it felt so good to be in relationship that I ignored the flags that were evident. The in love phase definitely made me lose sight of the things that I valued the most. So now that the relationship has ended I am now understanding more about myself and the things that I love and although I love my ex, I have to create a healthy boundary in her healing process (which drives me crazy!!) but thank you for sharing. Looking forward to growing and exploring this area of my life. 🙌🏾
Nailed me. I'm getting Sober AGAIN with Codependency this week. Experienced another bottom and my health was weakened. This Time I'm committed to getting Healthy!!!!! Thank you so much!!!!! The 12 steps of AA and LAA really helped me when I joined recovery 11 1/2 years ago. Now I'm going to HEAL this Codependents!!!! Y'ALL can heal yourselves! I'm OFF DUTY!!!! :)
Thank you so much! I struggle with codependent, I’m still working on it, meeting up in a 12 step program, having accountability partner, and a sponsor. I have good days and bad days but it’s a process for me. The hardest part is making healthy relationships with others , I struggle where I give my all as a friend and I see I don’t have the same feedback. Lastly isolation is huge for me, it is getting better but there are days. Getting away from isolation is one I’m proud of and it took so long to find myself. Everyday is a process.
Manual Duarte wow well done. I’ve so much admiration and wish you all the best in your recovery. Can I ask? When you say the ‘12 step program’ is it the same ‘12 step AA steps’??? Only your implying your codependency instead of drugs or alcohol??? If so may I ask ‘how are you getting on? As a codependent myself currently with an narcissist ‘I am looking for a way of recovery from my own traits and I am very interested. If there’s another ‘program for codependency I’d love to hear about it. Best wishes x x
Thank you for this video, it has made my day and week. As a once co-dependent I identified with all 11 traits. As you listed each trait, I acknowledged that indeed this was me and then realised, not anymore. I no longer have any of them. It has been a joyful reflection and acknowledgment as to how far I have come. Thank you for bringing this realisation to me. Have a wonderful day. Namaste 🙏😊
Thank you so much! I struggle with codependency, and this video really helps me to understand why my relationships always fail. My relationship goes through up and downs which makes me feel like I need to save my relationship to any cost. I also feel like I have to do everything for the other person keep the enthusiasm going in a relationship. Sometimes I feel like it is not going anywhere like it doesn't make sense to keep going knowing I am being taken advantage.
The need to be needed. Sold others problems. Find it impossible to say no. Only one responsible for the relationship. Get hurt or resentful the others didn’t recognize you’re contribution. Avoid conflict. Fear of being alone. If you don’t meet their needs you have no value. Have a hard time trusting yourself. If you make a mistake then you feel like people will give up on you. #6 you feel like you’re only value is through saving that person. You compromise bec you dot think you can make it without the relationship, and bec if you make the relationship about you you’re afraid the person won’t accept you and leave you and you’ll be alone. You might even not know your own feelings. Bec were so used to being there for someone else. We lose sight of what we need. Last one- you may only feel important or valued when you’re needed and when they can’t live without you. So you may pick partners that have issue with addiction, mental health etc bec you need to be needed. Spend time to figure out who you are- what do I love? Create balance of helping others bec you choose to and not bec. Create limits. Boundaries. Unhealthy - feels bad. Healthy- feels good.
I’ve been in a relationship for 2 and a half years, and we broke up 4 months ago. I connected with every single one of the signs you mentioned. My ex struggles with mental health issues and I’m a recovering addict. Ever since we broke up, every day, I’ve bee. Focusing on myself and putting myself in a better place, and I feel so much better within me. However, I still have very strong feelings for her, and I don’t think that will ever go away.
Having grown up with an alcoholic, narcissistic mother, I’m surprised watching this how much progress I’ve made in breaking a lot of those codependent patterns.
i recently got told that i was codependent and i had no idea i was .... bullet in my face hit thanks for the realazation , I'm needy ass hell . its annoying . tired of being this way thanks for the video .
Paola Cuadra me too. It’s harder we have knowledge of our self, but it’s also knowledgeable too. I suppose it’s up to us to change, as painful as it may seem. I’m looking forward to being single with my kids, also VERY scary. Has to beat being in a relationship with an narcissist thou & unhealthy relationships. We’re worth it. ❤️
@@irishdeetalks hey, i hope all is well with you, just saw this, i've learned as one grows and learn strong boundaries-also surrounding ourselves with good people is a good thing to do- talk about how your feeling and grow with one another, I hope ur kids are doing n great- stay strong
I had a friendship with a lovely girl but I realized after six years, I was codependent. I was not putting up boundaries. It finally devolved to the friend never asked how I was. Didn't know any details of my life because she was calling about crisis all the time. I needed to be needed so I didn't stop it. It made me feel valuable. I had my son and this friend guilt tripped me after not calling her for weeks even though she could have but didn't.. I explained that becoming a mom was stressful and I couldn't be there like I was the 6 years prior. I finally phased out of the relationship after I helped her leave her abusive boyfriend. . It was definitely partially my fault. I was codependent.
i have everyone of these, and it is not ok for me to ask for help, not even a hug, they , my family gets disgusted with me and think i am pathetic. yet i ask for their help and they tell me they dont have time or just dont want to. but i do everything they ask. when they cry to me i listen and hug them and giive them my unconditional love and attention, but it doesnt go both ways. it destroys me and my feeling of not being loved by them. i know i have to get better, but i just want to die alot of the time. but i know they would be mad at me. i also know that i am the only one that can help myself, but i feel so alone. i stay on youtube trying to fix myself, but i always want my kids to want me , but they dont. i am struggling to stay strong, i really just wanted to tell someone how i really feel, even though you dont know me, i will watch more of your videos to see what you think i can do, that i havent already tried. i am obviously doing something wrong because they all work and go out everyday of their lives and i am trapped by my feelings at home on a pc. talking to a stranger, which makes me feel more pathetic, which creates suicidal urge. anyway thank you for making yourself available to people like me.btw it is sooooo hard to hit enter, cuz you will know how pathetic and alone i am.
You are not alone, a lot of nice ppl feel the same way and did the same thing of giving lots of love where it wasn't returned. If you strengthen your boundaries and enjoy the small things of your life & the world around you, let yourself grow & unfold, I bet your children will be able to have closer relationship with you. Take wisdom from creation, all the strange little creatures with all their different ways of living, enjoy your quirks and special take on life, focus on the fun & delightful, and yes everyone has the voice of criticism in their head, but u don' t have to listen to it. Focus outward. I'm on the journey of recovery too, my mom & young sis always snarky & mean to me.. I was SOOO shy & depressed when I first left home! Good luck, keep going!!
That's me too and very hard to see that we are just more sensitive to their needs and we put our needs after everyone else's. I have learned to be more selfish and realise this is my life and I am more important to me and they can take care of themselves but nice to know that I have feelings and that's OK as well, it is not a weakness it is a strength. Keep working at it it is worth it. Meditation has helped a lot, even 10 minutes a day, best wishes.
Google Gary Chapman 5 languages of love take the quiz guess about your kids Perhaps, No one ever loved you in a language you speak. How do you express love? Quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch.? (that might be your dominate language)
Hi Nora, this is Andrew, I'm proud of you that you wrote to the world about your situation. All of us out here can and do send you love and hugs from our hearts. You are a loving person. You are just like all of us. We all need to love and be loved. Keep smiling and looking for love and you will find it. Sometimes the family is not the place to find fulfillment. I send healing energy and prayers. Cheers love.
Oh god, I have been like that. I worked so hard with my coach, something that helped me was the book '' Women who love too much'' from Robin Norwood. I changed lots of things in my life, I feel so good about myself for the first time I am confident, honestly, It was difficult to get here, but I am so happy I did it :))) I feel lucky to have a wonderful partner who gave me the support in my recovery, I did lots of self-discovery. Now I know that everything is possible. I changed my path so much, I moved to live in a place where I can grow, I am studying something that I really enjoy, I have my own business, new friends and a family who love me and respect me, because I love and respect myself!! I do not let my mother to be emotionally abusive anymore, she learned a lot around my recovery too. We both changed. :) Now when I help people, it comes from a very different place, I connect with myself and take decisions then, I believe that people have the ability to solve their problems, I respect their choices even they chose painful experience. I know that when they are ready, they will change.. I have a mantra which help me a lot '' he or she is an adult, I believe they can do it'' I started to accept the people and the things how they are. I learned how to hold space for other people just being there in the present moment. It a loooong looong journey.. with no end, but I am happy to be there.. and enjoying every tiny baby step.. :)
How interesting - I had only mentioned to someone earlier today that they might be feeling the “need to be needed”, and the ability to say “no” sometimes. Really felt your video gave a clear explanation.
sometimes i just want to be loved without doing things so much. i tend to compromise and do things more when i am with my relationship. it's a struggle and i am currently working on it
Could you address a codependent that is so over it that she doesn't care if she pleases any of the narcissists. I just want to be left alone now. Tired of dealing with users.
@@cobblecattt the video says codependents and narcissists / BPD's "complete each other" and despite being mentally abused, a codependent prefers this to being alone. We argue that it's possible to willingly walk away. We self identify as coedependents but wonder if we are outliers. I lost my job, my wife at the time reconnected with her college boy friend, we tried marriage counseling. It didn't work out, we divorced "amicably" and my attitude was "good riddance" . She got married to this poor sucker. As for me, I reached a breaking point. I was tired of jumping everytime she said "jump". She was always moody or irritated. She was either a million miles away or yelling in my face. I was always screwing up. Occasionally she was thoughtful, wonderful, beautiful. This is the roller coaster. I walked away and don't wish to do it again.
THANK YOU AND BLESS U. I just found out about codependency... all 11 points is what i have been...I just wish i will learn to be free on my alder age.... and i will NEVER keep digging to know more now.Thanks again...
Thank you for this vid..it was an eye opener here Ive been single for the last 4 years and started to feel like I want to have a relationship...recently met one guy and apart physical attraction it was that need to feel needed that dragged me towards him especially his neediness and that feeling within to try to fix all his life problems if I didnt have enough of my own
Thank you so much miss julia! You awakened me i thought i healed my codependency, but listening to you, i have discovered tjst i am still codependent to this narc connection cause im still hoping to see him healed before i totally detach myself. This time im sure that the ultimate solution i have to do is to breakaway fr the connection and totally love myself !
At 50 years old I realized I'm struggling with codependency. A symptom from my fathers bully narcassitical behavior. I was already studying self-awareness and empathy but after a recent confrontation with my father, it made me realize what the problem he had and in turn the side effects and problems with myself. Thank you for this video. I will continue to study
I realized I was codependent after my narcissistic friendship. I now understand why I’ve been feeling the way I have been for so long and where it began. Thank you so much for this information! You helped me understand me.
I found out I had a codependent relationship after being sentenced to 5 years in prison. I went through help there learning about who I was. There were many nights of silent years. Today I speak about my past with others to help them.
what a wake up call. I'm an independent grown-up woman yet I feel that I have no value. This can't be right. I'm so tired of people around me treating me like a maid.
Leaving RESENTMENT/Blame out of the 11 will probably keep someone I know from seeing themselves. At 30 they can't see why/how they always end up full of resentment/blame....they found the wrong person to save/fix.....problem solved. Thank You for helping folks, we need it.
Thank you so much for posting this! I broke down and cried as you read off the symptoms. I have them all and it explains so much. I have a great deal of self work to do.
Codependency- 1.)The need to be needed 2.) Solve or fix other people's problems take their burdens as your own. 3.) Cant say or find it extremely difficult to say no even when does to your detriment. 4.) Get hurt or resentful. 5.) Need to be in control all the time avoiding conflict. 6.) Have a hard time trusting self. 7.) Value comes from fixing there problems. 8.) Will to compromise alot. Scared to so it alone. 9.) Feel guilty for speaking up. 10.) Will do anything to Anything to fix there problem that put u at risk. 11.) struggle to meet out own needs. 12.) When ur partners needs u u feel the best cause they need you. Solution s do soul search and see who self is without getting lost. Create boundaries just some points . this is great this great. I think im codependency . wowwwww
YES,i just realized have been struggling with codependent for so long,it has really drained me mentally and physical and i really need to STOP this habit and live a normal and healthy life.....thanks so much for sharing this videos
I really benefit from your videos. Wish I saw your videos earlier. I want to learn how to stop missing/ thinking of someone. The overthinking makes me so depressed.
Thank you Julia. I loved watching this video. It is so me. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and everything you said describes me. I've always struggled with codependency. It's been so painful. Thank you so much Julia, your video helped me to know myself better and I am learning how to love myself as well. Will continue watching. Thanks again. ☺
