^^^comment above isn’t fair I’ve had 3 diff therapists. 1 saved my life the other 2 tried their best. Anecdotally telling ppl to not go to therapy is unkind advice.
@@dannelle17I agree with you. I don’t think therapists, doctors or dentists (!! Dentists? How would they even do it; just not treat some cavities?)… All of these people studied for a considerable a amount of time. Finding the right therapist is probably the thing.
@@dannelle17they said in their experience for a reason. it's fortunate that you've had good therapists who've helped you and i will say that your first statement is very true but you shouldn't dismiss someone else's bad experiences. especially with mental health and especially when it comes to women as we (you, me and the OP you're replying to are all women) are all very suseptible to prejudice and aren't taken seriously because of our gender. in my personal experience, i've experienced some very good and very bad.
I have the same issue as the first caller. Was raised insanely religious and received horrible messaging about myself as a Christian woman. Alcohol was the only thing that allowed my nervous system to calm down enough to let my husband be close to me. EMDR and talk therapy has helped… also a really great marriage counselor. It does get better and we CAN learn to trust and be close. Religious trauma is so real 😢
Yes that's an excellent point. John covers so much in these phone calls but even he can't uncover every stone. She did mention this at some point but not enough time to pursue that "lead" had she not had parents who died so young and when she was young n been with the now husband since she was a kid and likely bonded with him during these tragic situations she may have married someone else n still had this sexual issue which she says she comes with by using alcohol.i think sex for all people especially women who are given so many mixed messages is so difficult to navigate and with extremely religious environment it's likely more so. While she has been with him so long now you would not think that's the issue n John even said something like that. You just never know. The mind is a curious thing and the fact that she brought it up it was like her intuition was speaking to her so I think she should explore this aspect more. I can't help but wonder if she feels in some way that she is betraying her parents in some way. This would be particularly acute if ones parents are deceased and they died at an age where you were still a minor and expected to obey them as opposed to them both dying in a car crash when she was 28. Very complicated call for sure n certainly wish her peace n healing
People get to their thirties feeling like life has passed them by because we’re constantly bombarded by people telling us about all the things your supposed to have experienced and accomplished in your twenties, so when that doesn’t happen, you feel like a failure and like you’ve wasted your life away.
When they haven’t ever been older than 31, they don’t have the perspective of what 60 or 70 is. Also, young people (now, unlike 20+ years ago) can see all of their peers’ “highlight reels” on social media, and it makes a 31 year old feel like a failure for not being married, having kids, buying a house, having an awesome job, etc. Social media is crushing the souls of young people.
Youth is absolutely glorified in western culture. Of course people feel insecure in older age. It’s not wisdom or generational success that’s promoted, it’s being successful while young, wild and glamorous living, and being beautiful.
@@l-train7876 I am close in age to her and certainly don't truly know a prospective from 70s ect... but i know I have time and to cherish it. It's kind of odd that you can't expect someone to look ahead or outside themselves.
I have no contact with my family. My mother does not understand boundaries at all, if I try to have a relationship with anyone in my family she will push in. The only way I can maintain my distance from her is to have no contact with anyone. My life is better this way.
My family has ruined and gained between every relationship. I've ever had a smile in my face and they tell my partner. The person I love. I'm no good and I should not be with them. And they should leave me hell. I never had one restraining order from anyone in my life until they got involved. And I was not evenit's f****** inside.
My mom is bipolar and when she is up she’s a social butterfly, helps everyone she meets. When she’s down it can get really dark and unhealthy for our entire family. She was never violent but suffered…we all suffered. Things are a lot better now. Dr John is correct. Love and firm boundaries helped…kept us sane and brought her around to getting help.
My Mom has had a cognitive impairment caused by traumatic brain injury since she was a child. She has never been able to be a stable parent, causing me to take that role for my younger sister. We are adults now, and Mom is in a nursing home and still has no understanding of being a parent. We can be selfish now, and have the childhood that we never got. Thank you for your insight, and also permission to be happy and guilt free.❤❤❤
Traumatic brain injury means someone should have protected her from any relationships where children might be born cause that in itself is abuse😢. Love her where she is and be thankful for yourself and your sibling. God bless!
Watched my mom go through that with my brother. Shooting a gun in her house. I told her this is how sick people kill their parent. He finally passed of heart disease triggered by drugs at 50. She shortly after, developed dementia. It was very sad.
Having been raised in a household with a non-medicated bipolar father who was verbally and mentally abusive, it will never stop and no one can fix them. EVER, especially when they refuse medication bc they “don’t like how it makes them feel.” Their diagnosis then ends up being an excuse for abusing their loved ones. A lot of bipolar individuales self-sabotage EVERYTHING (relationships, jobs, opportunities) and make everyone around them miserable. I really feel for the second caller. I hope unless she commits to staying medicated for her entire life, that he never ever brings children into that family.
Kathryn my heart hurts for you. My situation with a 34 year old son is similar. He is incarcerated and no longer on the streets and using. Many prayers for both of you.
Yes, because I've been studying psychology and depression and how to deal with people who have issues since I was 10, and most people around me didn't have experience with what I lived with even though I thought they should and surely did, because I could identify patterns that were in my family in other people and families all over the place. Betterhelp didn't *quite* give me any help because they spend the time asking you to tell your story or talking about abstract concepts; this podcast/show is listening to stories being walked through without it having to be our own story, but it's all concrete instead of abstract. I feel like Dr. John is me temperamentally and in experience, only he has a bit more training I don't have, so he's actually been informational for me and helped me get the next couple small steps down the road.
I did betterhelp For a while and got a little bit out of it. Then I switched to a different online therapy that my insurance paid for. I got some good, but I expected it to be more. And each therapist has been wildly different from each other.
Can't tell you how grateful I am for the call about anger about childhood trauma. Raising our 7 year old grandson and have in play therapy for he to deal with our anger. So validates what I am trying to do for him to heal.
Anyone saying ssm is a sin when God prefers it will remain blacked out until they repent or wait too late and die w the wicked instead. Great Trib began Sept. 1 and anyone teaching other than this below is in it: 🌈 Mathew 19:12 says God PREFERS same sex relationships for the sale of the kingdom of heaven. Mathew 19:12 🏳️🌈 Eunuchs that are born that way are transgender. 🏳️🌈 Eunuchs made that way by others were abused. 🏳️🌈 Those that choose to live like Eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven are bisexual people that choose partners of the same sex but opposite in gender. I am Elijah of Malachi 4:5-6. Acts 3:22-23 says it will come to pass that anyone that fails to listen to me will be utterly destroyed from among the people. Anyone collecting money for ministering in any way is now blacked out from the Holy Spirit and will be until they either repent or wait too late and die. Same goes for anyone teaching same sex marriage is a sin when it is not. Male or female is determined by gender, located in the brain. I am the forerunner to the return of Jesus, who was transgender and will return as a woman. Most of the famous prophets from the Bible were transgender as well, including David and Joseph. STAY OUT OF THE FAKE CHURCHES IF YOU WANT TO LIVE. You choose to go there then you are supporting their evil and will also be held accountable... Wake up everyone! I am the forerunner to THE LITERAL RETURN OF JESUS! And a fetus is NOT alive. The soul does not enter the body until birth. Being alive requires breathing -"the breath of life." God is pro choice. Malachi 2 PROVES Malachi 3:8-11 is prophetic instruction for the thieving fake ministers to return the money and God will end Covid. But all the fakes love money more than listening to God. Murderers! . ...Jesus is NOT God. I am the messenger of Malachi 3:1 and anyone that rejects or deletes the messeages from Elijah rejects Jesus herself and will die w the wicked. Jesus was transgender and will return as a woman. . . . . .bible....v
Dr. John is very insightful, often seeing the core problem behind the question that is asked. He is honest and straightforward, willing to help by sharing his own experiences and mental health problems. Fewer couples would be divorced if they had known his practical advice for committed marriage and how to tackle struggles through effective communication. He has helped me to understand myself better and how my past has shaped my personality. I appreciate this program.
My brother had bi-polar, schizophrenia, and addictions to drugs and alcohol. It was super hard to deal with and help. He died in January 2021, they said from natural causes but he was partying hard with so-called "friends" the night before. I pray he's at peace.🙏
He was on disability from the service and yes he had his own house. He tried working a few jobs but was not able to keep them. He was discharged from the service in 1982-83 I believe.
Thank you. He had to have a conservator most of his life. I tried to handle his money but it was too hard. He wanted money everyday. He would get mad when I wouldn't give him any. It was sad and difficult, my parents did what they could.
@@Sadielady21 my brother is 43 and also can’t keep a job, he’s having major episodes but refuses to acknowledge he has a problem or get help. He was evicted in January, been staying w/my 72 yr old mom since then, and she cannot handle him whatsoever. He briefly held a job for about 3 mos this year before getting fired, and now he’s out of money and my mom just lent him $400 to get his phone turned back on after getting disconnected for non-payment. He obviously has no money and she cannot afford to pay his bills. We don’t know what to do now. She can’t pay his phone bill next month, but he won’t get a job. He says the most horrible things to her and then threatens to go live in his car - at this point if he acts up again she’s gonna have to tel him to go stay at the local men’s shelter. I’m worried about her safety and her mental health during all of this.
I'm having a really hard day...and a really hard past couple of months. Part of its family stuff and then a very sticky double bind situation with a family member and my employer. Caller, your courage to call and spill your guts, despite your nerves or fear is helping me so much. YOU are giving ME strength by displaying such courage ❤ I'm sending you a big hug. Maybe I'll call John for advice. Share my story, too. I might take the whole hour 😢
Leigh, please take the time to figure out who you are, what you want and specifically figure out what exactly makes you happy. It's OK for you to say no to others because you need something different. I'm not sure if you feel this way but I've spent my life saying yes when inside I'm SCREAMING "NO!" Thinking "I don't want to DO this." but doing it anyway because I was so afraid to hurt other people. It is self invalidation and self erasure. You are you because you listen to you, you help when you want to help, you say yes when you're ok saying yes and say no when you need or want to say no. Until you do this it will feel like you are a bystander to your OWN life, and that you're trapped, strapped in with a lock, no exit, no brakes that you're in control over on the rollercoaster of life. It's TERRIFYING. ❤
In my opinion she loves her husband but she's not in love with him and knows her husband is "safe". Like she wants to fool around with other men but scared of loosing something secure for something unknown and not secure.
Man, it's so unfair. My man pretended to be good and as years went by his hidden addictions came out and became abusive(he hid his temper problems). I stood my ground but was always loving. Tried to get him to help himself. These other women need to appreciate their good men. They are rare!
Her feelings are strong, real but are not to be trusted. Don’t divorce someone over these feelings but rather learn to deal with these issues and see how your marriage can get better. I hope she doesn’t leave him and really recognizes that she has a lot more power than she thinks. We all have a lot more power than we realize but when we forget it…we open ourselves us to misery. I HOPE she doesn’t blow up this marriage yo. Too many good men are getting screwed over but her pain just as equally needs to be dealt with…and NOT by ending the marriage.
This episode hit hard for me as I can relate to the callers, at the end of the day, we can only be responsible for ourselves no matter how hard we want to rescue our children. 😢
Life changing every single podcast I've experienced so far has given me a 'wow' moment. From depression and helplessness I feel armored via Dr John Delony by my God. I cannot thank you enough. The Redefining Anxiety book helped me off my low rollercoaster enough so that I've purchased three for others.
Our daughter says she loves us but gets mad over nothing. She won't let us talk to our grandkids for months at a time and her husband is hateful and cold all the time. The grand kids love being with us but they are scared of their parents and guarded when talking to us I have done this for 15 years trying to love them and help them but I think I am finished.
My sister is like that. Gets mad over anything. But I think she is carrying a lot of hurt & pain that she hasn't dealt with. It may have been caused by us or what she interpreted as us not loving her. Idk. I feel like I'm done too ... I'm so tired of not having peace. I'll swallow my pride for my nephew & my kids - so they can have a relationship. But some relationships are just so exhausting & draining
"Gets mad over nothing" is never nothing. It may be nothing to YOU but it's clearly something to her. You just may not want to hear what it is or invalidate it.
@@therealsandraweise I kinda thought this too almost as if it was my sister writing this lol as I'm sure this is how she has explained our estrangement to herself or others over time to avoid accountability for the real reason. But that said there are definitely people who are extremely emotional and volatile or easily upset etc certainly compared to the average person. Could be for good reason and sometimes not. So everyone's situation is different as I can see how this could be upsetting n exhausting for those family members too. What do think is a bit interesting n perhaps telling is that she mentions why the sister may feel this way but sounds unsure. Is there some reason they never asked or did the sister refuse to tell them. That doesn't sound like much concern or caring. Also when the sister is upset what does that look like? Does she simply confront them n explain why she is upset? Does she cry? Refuse to talk or storm out? Or does she become violent or try to burn the house down? Big difference.
Boy these were some really interesting n difficult calls. Appreciate John's handling of the calls and these people courageously reaching out for help as we can all learn something with them .
Rather than setting a boundary like “I can’t come over at 2 am because I have work tomorrow” I’d redirect her to a healthy coping mechanism as well and say “hey babe, if I didn’t have work in there morning I’d love to come over. I can come over after work instead if you’d like. In the mean time is there a tool, your therapist suggested, that you can use until I’m able to come over? Either mindfulness or deep breathing or a video game? I really need to keep this job to continue to provide for us and pay for our therapy.”
Hey , I first heard Dr. John Delony watching Dr. Jordan Peterson . He was so engaging and open ,honest about his growth in marriage and life..He is warm , funny ,very kind, I felt he is a man with loads of integrity .. he is honest with his views and confident.. I love this guy .. I feel he wants to help anyone he can ... He is so good at telling everyone that... THEY ARE VALUABLE AND WORTH SO MUCH... He is Compassionate and listens well .. A GOOD MAN ...WISH HIM MUCH SUCCESS...😊
@@doesnotFempute He wasn’t speaking sarcastically. He was saying it sincerely. I think you’re just offended because you don’t know how to use English phrases properly.
I hope the first callers marriage survives. Dr. John had some great advice. There are a lot of dangers lurking in this marriage right now. I hope some terrible, mental, gymnastics impulsive decision does not blow this up. The rest of the marriage as described by her seems like it’s a dream scenario for most people.
I couldn't be social or intimate without alcohol either. I quite 8 months ago and I'm still learning how to overcome my social anxiety. My work loves to party too lol but now I just offer to be dd and try to enjoy myself the best I can. It's a process. I feel like I'm finally finding myself at 31 too. I hid behind that lifestyle since I was 16. It's a really empowering and self-aware journey that I think you'll enjoy :) maybe start lifting heavy weights too 💪 ❤
Everything is new in early so recover y and you must change everything about yourself, everything and everyone around self while you are still adjusting to a new clearing mind and physical feelings. Hold tight! It is hard, gets easy, gets hard then 3 years later you wake up and life is great and things which were once hard now became easy. Just stay sober❤ you will see even when you don't see or feel the difference change is happening.❤ You got this
Love your show so much! I appreciate all the counsel and perspective. Even though the majority of issues are not specifically relatable, I find bits and pieces that can apply to my own relationships and past traumas. I found you on the Jordan Peterson podcast recently, and have listened to your show on binge ever since. It's so refreshing and empowering to receive advice that makes logical sense and comes from a genuine place of care. Thank you so much!!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!! I LOVE YOUR RU-vid CHANNEL!!!! I was introduced to your RU-vid channel through another RU-vidr, Dawn The Minimalist Mom. I AM HOOKED!!!!! I was hooked immediately!!!!!! I was watching Dawn's channel earlier today, the episode that you and Dawn sat down together, brilliant episode! She left the link to your channel in her description of her channel. I clicked the link and I've been binge watching/listening for about 3 hours so far!!!!!! You and your channel are so easy to relate to. You give advice directly and you are really encouraging to the people who call in with questions. Direct and Encourage, NOT Indirect and Discourage, should go hand in hand, more often than it usually does. I really like how you handle the callers' questions and how you go about helping them. Anyways, Thank You for all that you do!! Thank You for Helping and Encouraging people to be their own personal best, as well as Self-Care. Whether "their best" means that they need to rest and relax so they can be healthy and happy or that they need to stop worrying about how other people are going to feel and react when they set boundaries around the holidays, because we can only handle our own feelings and reactions! However and whatever THEIR OWN PERSONAL BEST looks like for themselves, is what they should do, that is what is most important for them. They have to take care of their own well-being first. Besides, how can anyone take care of anyone else's well-being if they don't take care of their well-being?! THANK YOU for encouraging SELF-CARE along with doing THEIR OWN PERSONAL BEST because, so so so very, often these things are overlooked and/or missed completely. So just....THANK YOU!!!! Also a random thought.... I think it's super awesome that you're based in Nashville!!!! I live about 15-20 minutes North of Nashville, in Hendersonville, TN. I just think it's super awesome that we are locals!!!!! Lol One last thing...I'm sorry that this is SO LONG!!!!! I talk 👄 and write ✍ A LOT!!!!
Third story: We can only give to a certain point, it`s not possible to help those who will not help themselves regardless of who they are. Sad but true.
As a parent you can distance yourself from your child with addiction or mental illness. It's especially needed if they unfortunately seem like a danger to have around. You still don't stop loving them so it's definitely accepting what is, and drawing boundaries
Lovr your kewl clothes. You're a legend. Luckily i am seeing a great psychologist and psychiatrist but it's really helpful to hear you explain why we act like we do.
Call 2 : still time to ask yourself " am I willing to sign up for a marriage I've had a taste of for 5 (dating) years? Sounds like signing up for sinking together in nightmare
My husbands family is terrible. He caught his sister’s BF cheating and told her. Mind you, it was with the same woman she busted him with multiple times with. All of a sudden the entire family hates my husband and she’s still with her cheating BF. They ignore our children and stopped including us in anything. My kids don’t get a Merry Christmas or happy bday from any of them. Even their grandma sucks. She just sent a text letting my husband know that she hasn’t forgotten about the children’s birthday that was over a month and a half ago, but will be by when she’s better. And we have seen pictures of her on Facebook Facebook Harding all over town with her boyfriend who is my husband‘s age. Disgusting. Wicked evil people out there. All she had to do was text or call the kids. They are all full of crap and don’t like that I call them out on it. My kids are better off without them in their lives. They would contribute nothing positive at all.
I’m an RN. I stay calm in the most stressful situation. But my 12 yr old can wear me down till I loose it. Then she looses it. 🤷♀️. It has gotten better. Working on it 😊
The grass is always greener on the other side, i see how frustrating that probably was hope ur still making mistakes and learning as u go so proud of u
Ive talked to my husband over and over. I can tell him what i need and want. I ask him over and over what he wants and needs. I get silence.. and i increasingly get more and more neglected. On top of i am getting verbally/ mentally abused
I love your videos, you are amazing Dr. John!! I listen everyday while i'm working.. I have to search for ones i haven't seen lol! I've been wanting to call in for so long!
It sounds like she is restless, possible bored or unsatisfied? Marrying young, going through alot of loss. Is she searching for something missing in her life? Great advice from John.
Im on a binge, disclaimer to the title...only i can hurt myself. This womans story is so similar to my first marriage. People pleasing is so draining. Communication.....
We are all Broken .. If nobody cared to help not Fix .. Then how does it help to Claim IT DONT WORK !! Maybe He Does Help ..And IT DOES WORK SOMETIMES ..Negative Opinions really don't help ,..Thanks for sharing ..But sad really... 🙂 19:43
May this show hit me hard today. Wanted to have my husband listen to the first called...she could be me aside from a few details How do you have the conversation when they are miserable most of the time?
Find a beautiful spiritual family and join up! There I pray she will find herself! God changes mental health if she summits to Him! I love you both, but God loves you both more! ❤ you have just received some wonderful advice from this visit ❤
I don't care for those left in my family and am slowly leaving it all behind. Hoping to move to another country this Fall and feel nothing about sharing that fact with anyone.
How much of the first relationship is performative? She puts effort into dressing up for the date, drinks to become fun and comfortable, manages everything. Are these things about her and the husband or are they about being seen? It's so much pressure.
I was in Scotland during the year Oasis and the movie they were featured in debuted. Ahhhhhhhkkk! Thanks a lot. Now it’s in my head. 🙄 😂 It also happens to be when Braveheart opened. I’m not a movie fan, but the experience felt 3D as I was literally surrounded by Scots in kilts actively responding to the huge screen as if they were part of the live action and THIS was their moment of “FREEDOM!!!!”.
Second story: There are no cures for bipolar, only medications that may ease the symptoms. One moment they can be perfectly happy and the next drop to an all time low when there is no reasoning with them. If that guy wants to stand by his bipolar fiancee than what he sees is what he`s going to get. For me personally I could not live with someone who has bipolar it`s an awful lot to take on.
For me she likely sees an attractive man at work and feels smth for him, and then at home there is her safe kind but boring guy who doesn't see her as a woman the way she wants to.
Caller #1 is clearly is not attracted to or happy with her husband. She got with him young and in a state of mourning when she was at her lowest point so she entered it vulnerable soooo she made the decision to marry someone who yes was there or her and thats great but should have never led to marriage. She realized she married someone who is now not what she wants and the only way she can be intimate is if she disconnects. The fact that he has never asked why she needs to drink before sex tells me he is the type of person who never rocks the boat never confronts anything and she....is bored. He is still an emotional crutch for her and that is very unhealthy. Answer: she is 31 needs to end this and find her happy and give him a chance to find his happy. The worst thing she can do is wait another 10 years hoping he turns into the man she wishes he was.
She owes hubby a choice, after expressing her needs clearly. You don't close a 17 year relationship without giving him the choice to step up to the plate. He might also say nope, this is who I am, you're not happy, we'll both go find other people who make us happier, but he deserves the choice.
@@om617yota8 i understand. I feel like she owes him the truth. Not a choice because if she is miserable with him and he chooses for her to stay she does not owe him the choice to stay and be miserable. If they can work it out great but after 17 yrs something tells me waiting for him to turn into what she wants will take more years from her that she doesn't really owe to anyone but her self. She should not be 40 feeling like she wasted the last 9 years more years.
@@wonder12374 I agree, she doesn't owe him a choice about whether or not she stays, she owes him the opportunity to step up to the plate and make her happy. Go to the gym, learn dancing, be spontaneous, whatever that is. Or say nope, this is who I am, take it or leave it. He may not even know there's a lack, so he can't respond, and he deserves to know first.
This line of thinking is exactly why so many people are single and miserable. People are too willing to throw away great partners in search of excitement. She obviously has intimacy issues and it’s just easier to be intimate with a random fun colleague because it’s a lot less vulnerable for her. He actually gave very good advice to this caller.
I hate to tell the caller with the bipolar fiance this, if you marry this gal you will REGRET IT, the Red flags are there, spare yourself . I'm sorry but can you live like that the rest of your life.? If you marry her it will only end in divorce , RETHINK THIS.
First story: That woman (Lee) has reached a flat level in her life and still being young she`s wanting something supplementary to the lifestyle she has with her husband. This woman is in serious risk of cheating. She only needs to be in the right environment, could be a bar or club with friends, or a male co-worker or client and after a few drinks a man she finds attractive says all the things she wants to hear, pushes the right buttons that makes her feel wanted and shows her attention, she will undoubtable go astray and cheat. I`m sure Dr John was hinting at this. In her present state of mind she is highly vulnerable to guys that would take advantage of her that I don`t think would be too difficult. Unfortunately her husband doesn`t realise his wife`s yearnings for attention and something new and exciting. If I were him I`d be watching my wife`s activities closely.
I remembered when I used to drink I feel so hyper and my hormones level is high and I'm usually emotional.. If I tell you I love you you know that I m drunk.
Yes. 100% she drinks just to do things she otherwise feels uncomfortable doing. 100%. She just lied saying no then explained that actually the answer was clearly yes. 🤦🤦🤦
Caller 1, the religious backgrounds impact on sex for women often is also laden with expectations that have nothing to do with the " dirty" trope. By being pure, somehow when you have sex this equally pure man will know how to be a lover, God will make the experience " glorious abd blessed". Yet so often its an awkward event, with 2 bumbling newlyweds, and no unicorns prance by, the guys done in 2 seconds, and for those with emotional, psychological wounds or poor communication, there begins a sex for duty vs passion, and a life of frustration. I watched my parents generation deal with it, my peers, and then hearing it from patients over and over.