I learned as a child that my needs were too much, so I tend to pull back when I’m in shutdown mode. I don’t want to burden people but it makes it hard to maintain relationships because I am MIA so frequently.
Yes!!! This was my experience too. I was always told that I was too much. Too intense. Too emotional. I was told I expect too much from people. So I’m terrified of bothering people.
Finally my people! I work in healthcare so my clients have also become some of my closest friends. It's easier for them to understand when I'm not there it's my time and for me to have a good reason to have a set schedule that benefits everybody.
I have to have less expectation of people and just enjoy them as humans. We are all humans, none of us our perfect but all of us have something to offer!
Lol ouch.. "how do I make friends? I know! I'll be a good friend!" This rings so true in my experience. I ended up just accepting that I'm the type of friend that shows up when someone needs me, and "I" disappear when I'm no longer needed.
This is so relatable for me. I disappear or withdraw when I feel like I have no input in a relationship because I’m afraid I will be seen as worthless if I have nothing to give. Luckily my friends are understanding and allow me to have space to “work on myself”. I made sure to tell them that it’s something I’m going through before I block them out because I don’t want them to feel like they’re to blame.
I think a lot of us are taught to sacrifice and be selfless so we think we shouldn't ask for reciprocity. But we need to remember it''s ok to ask for it.
Mia Mantri when I find myself in these situations now, I make it clear that friendship is a two way street. If they’re not going to reciprocate, i make the decision to walk away. I think the key is understanding you deserve to be respected and supported as much as the next person. My life has improved greatly since.
Yes, and if you never ask for anything, to a NT it seems like you don't want to be close friends. And then suddenly there's a huge request, which is startling, because that's only something that a close friend would ask, and this whole time the NT has been getting the message "we're friends, but not close friends". Because asking for something is showing vulnerability, need for the other person, personality, and that's endearing and relationship-strengthening.(bit by bit, not all at once) The muscle analogy is so good!
"remember it"s okay" actually you need to "learn it's vital" and set boundaries. When my efforts to make friends didn't work, I thought I wasn't trying hard enough. I saw others who behaved selfishly yet still made friends and I was so confused and exhausted trying to understand it all.
I've never asked a friend or family member besides my parents for anything in my entire life. Now that i think about it. Not even for someone to pass a bag of chips so I can have some. I never borrow anything or ask for favors. I never complain to people and accept them for who they are. This actually makes a lot of sense now. They just get used to it and don't even think I might need help.
If im working by myself and need help, I'll design a contraption to help me do it alone before I'll ask for help. I feel like I'm bothering someone if I ask for help. But I will gladly help someone else do literally anything and it doesn't bother me... I'm actually happy someone needed my help.
People avoid me when they realize I can see NT manipulation techniques and logical fallacies as if they had a blinking red arrow pointing at them. When I point out what they are doing it makes them mad. I realized a while ago that most normal people don’t even realize they’re being manipulative or that they’re using lies to get what they want. The more I care about a person the more likely I am to point out when they’re being deceitful, if they are low self-esteem they go away. The friends that stick around are the ones who are secure enough to tell the truth. I’d rather have five really good friends than dozens of manipulators.
My experience: A close friend in my elementary school years evaporated when we both went to high school. It was as if a switch flipped in his head at age 13 and mine did not. A close friendship in early years of high school evaporated in senior years and despite attending the same college we never spoke. A close friendship that I had for three years in college evaporated in the final year. Three years of daily friendship, shared notes, shared projects, shared interests...... gone. The final year we acted as if we barely knew each other. I was practically ghosted. The worst of all. A friendship from high school which lasted 20 years. The brother I never had. My best man if I should ever need one. A fellow lost soul who also was never comfortable in the world. That same switch flipped. I was surplus to requirements. Ghosted. I envy people who skip through life oblivious to this kind of life experience.
I can empathize with you. I’ve had many close friendships evaporate as well. It’s really heartbreaking, but all I can do is resign myself to the lessons I’ve learned along the way and move forward.
While "rejection is the story of my life" massively hit home with me, this video doesn't. Nothing against this video, i'm very glad it's here for those who need it. The problem i run into that causes my rejection cycle isn't the same one; i never even get to any relationship to test. Whenever i reach out to someone, want to make an appointment for something to get to know them, want to connect in some way, i just....get no response. Calls don't get returned, appointments not made, conversations aren't reprochiated, single events don't get followed up on. Doesn't seem to matter how much i try, or what angle i take, i get no response or connection from the other side to build anything. The whole school of fish metaphore in the first stages of contact and connection.
I guess the initial move of "being a good friend" to make people like you is not as bad, as it sounds here. I did this at first and I experienced the same frustration, BUT I learned how to please people and make out their needs. Now that I am able to do this and able to give them not too little and not too much (which demands incredible focus :-D ), I can move on to the next task. Now I can learn to ask for my needs. Not too much at a time, but regularly a little bit, always balancing, always focused. In those few sentences, it looks easy...but it was a 15 year journey of making it my special interest and making very slow progress. So don't be dishearted. Congratulate yourself on every single event. Even getting a smile from a stranger. And than slowly raise the bar.
I'm NT and this has been the story of my life too. Difficulty making real friends not just superficial fair weather ones. I've heard that true friendship is rare and the average person can count themselves lucky if we have one or two genuine friends. If you also have a condition that interferes with your ability to socially engage then it's going to be even more difficult. I guess what I'm trying to say that it's a reality of life that sucks. One of the people who I consider a genuine friend is on the spectrum. Atm he's withdrawn. I know this is normal for him but he's been MIA for longer than usual and I'm worried. True friends are difficult to come by and I treasure mine and do whatever I can to keep them close. I hope over time you'll find some genuine friends. Some of the videos on this channel are great at helping both sides (NTs and NDs) understand what's going on so they can improve communication. Remember that the people who are worth your time and effort will be the ones who are willing to hang in there with you through the difficulties. Sending you encouragement.
I find that normies (my term) seem to just avoid contact with me. I just can't seem to connect with them. It's only becoming worse as I get older. I have given up the whole idea of finding a romantic partner, I've been broken too often.. I conclude it's karmic, and therefor unfixable. It must have been part of the plan all along
Thats how i feel ad well. It dosent matter what approach i take. Many on the spectum dont care and l8ve their lives in their own interests, but others want a connection they cant seem to achieve. It stinks.@davidhill5684
I usually can't believe that anybody would not be ill intended, or at least strictly utilitarian, or indifferent, towards me, as I have so seldom experience such behaviours in my lifetime.
@@t-man5196 this being posted *a year ago* aside, at the time i commented it was listed as a premiering within 24 hours, so I couldn't have watched the video because it wasn't out yet.
I think the key that might be missing for me is the ability to identify which people are just naturally takers. I’m talking about people who are for whatever reason unable to give much in nearly all situations. I managed purely by chance to meet and marry a giver, and we do things for each other all the time. In times of great stress, he has never let me down! I believe this is rare in the world of relationships no matter how your brain works. But your advice in this video is spot on! Gentle testing will help identify people who can give as well as take.
I am at the spectrum. Two years ago I lost my partner from ten years, this week I lost my sister. Now being alone feels like hell. Just want to say your words make a LOT of sense to me right now. So thank you.
i also lostmy best friend fromc ancer all i have left is my african girlfriend precious chasowa in malawi thankfullyi know the maputo protocol andhow to use it i have to go tthe africanc ommission/court ofhuman and peoples rightsand give them a piece of their mind i spent time in extreme isolation i did a doublemajor in political sciene and human rightsin Canada so I know sand i learned how to defend and protect myself the various human rights commisisons and hte charter of rights and freedoms i survived it
@@scragjonezv4843 bullcrap. & Don't be so Nasty. Narcs self actualize in a Much Different way than working on themselves...Truth is they Don't work on Themselves..they work on Others..i was Raised by 0ne & married a few so..i know em inside out pretty well.....
Yes..but, i get where he's at..it can Feel selfish since we spend so much time trying to interact with others..taking time out just to interact with ourselves feels a little..alien..lol..but..You are So Right, if we Need to, we have Every Right to, & Really Should.
I am just so bamboozled. I have been thinking that I am not doing enough for people and that’s why they just vanish when I need them. I need to ask more from people, even though it is super hard. Not like anything too much, just things they actually can help with without too much trouble. And to all of you here in the comment section who feel rejected or all alone; I hope from the bottom of my heart everything will turn out okay for you. Please remember that you deserve love and friendships and that you are not alone, even though it might feel like that. I certainly feel so bottomlessly lonely sometimes, and I hope that even one person reads this and maybe can feel like they are not so alone in this world :)
Yep, always there for others, others are rarely there for me. Such is life. I drive my family mad with my meltdowns but they are the ones to pick me up, I don't think a future partner would be able to
Honestly I’ve never thought of testing a relationship because I’ve thought that seemed inauthentic and manipulative. But to be really real that’s a really good idea, and it doesn’t even need to be in an inauthentic way because it’s not like there aren’t small things to ask for help with in your day to day that aren’t going to just destroy you if they turn you down if trey aren’t able to be there for you... (read: me haha). I think I will definitely try this, that’s a really solid idea! 💡 THANK YOU! 🙏
I have been a hermit for about 7 years... got through 6 years in the army and a little civilian work after, but eventually couldn't take it. So many doctors and pills and people telling me I just needed to go outside and do yoga and try harder. Gave up a long time ago. Every attempt at reaching out for help seemed to end with people getting mad at me and assuming I was just lazy. Then one of your videos popped up in my recommended 6 months ago, and I realized what was wrong with me. I ran into issues not being believed at first, and nearly gave up again, but I managed to break through my own denial enough to finally describe what my life has been like in the kind of detail needed to really be understood. Last week I was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder by a psychiatrist at age 32. Such a validating feeling. Thanks for that video that gave me the motivation to try reaching out again. My life might actually turn out to be worth living.
Your life is definitely worth living. Aspies are priceless, especially to other ASD folk. Just don't listen to NT advice and you can get what you need elsewhere
Believe in yourself, and be proud. People (mostly) don't understand. Who cares what they think anyway? Live your life as much as possible like you want it to be. Believe in you, miracles happen and all desires come true, you ve proved you are VERY STRONG nothing can touch you, u can handle it, because of ur strong bright soul.
Yeah I had men calling me retarded growing up and women laughing about my looks. Don't want anything to do with them anymore. So glad I grew to 6'6 and they were afraid to physically hurt me.
Yeah, this isn’t it. I would do nice things for people I liked but it always felt awkward. So I never did that much. My mom was always telling me not to bother people, so I didn’t. I tried to just be friendly. That really didn’t work either. People would seem to be friendly with me for a while and as soon as I started to relax a little they started avoiding me. So it’s clear that I’m not the kind of person people like to talk to. I have my family and I’m okay being alone. Once in a while I manage a conversation. I just don’t have the energy to try and read the minds of every person I meet. I’m tired.
People are very different,you just haven't found people that do appreciate you.It can be very hard to find friends who will like you when you relax a bit but being friends with autistic has really helped me,it may not help you but maybe just people who are non neuro typical in general since they are more likely to understand why your behavior is different.
I am neurotypical, and I met a man who has Asperger ( he has not been diagonized) 1 1/2 years ago. We have an romantic relationship and we really like eatch other but we don´t live together because we think that is best for the momenth. We are both 60 years "young" and we both have relationship behind us. I have learned so much by watching your videos, and we´ve also seen some together. I want to show him that iI understand and it helps me not to feel rejected or less loved. He says he never met anyone who has understood him as much as I do and therefore he can relax with me and be himself. I live in southern sweden so sorry if my english is not quite accurate ;)
This way also sorts the people who genuinely care about you from the people who are just users. The greatest gift you can give yourself is a voice and being able to speak up for what you need.
This method is called the Ben Franklin Effect. I had to Google it, because I remember hearing that getting others do small favors for you makes people like you more. I also want to say thank you. Your videos have helped me understand my sons thought process a bit better.
I'm in my 30s and still have no clue how to have a romantic relationship 🤔 I feel like you're supposed to say all the right things and act a specific way and it just confuses me like somehow i missed out on knowing all of this. A part of me wants a relationship but the other part of me just gets way too scared and overwhelmed
To be fair, this is exactly how I feel. I often think about seeking/pursuing a romantic relationship, but know I would probably not be able to handle all of the social pressures that come with it. I do experience a lot of loneliness, but the stress I feel when in a relationship is far greater. Also I have been alone for a long time so have the tools to deal with it. I had a relationship a couple of years ago. My girlfriend at the time, had absolutely loads of friends and wanted to go and see them all the time. I remember constantly meeting new people and being in high pressure social situations. Myself being very quiet at first, I would struggle to make conversations and form new relationships. This would inevitably result in all of her friends being standoffish towards me and then it felt impossible to repair with the social skill set I have.
@@Big_Old_Bondy social situations are the worst, especially with groups of people you don't know :( Its so hard to know when to talk and what to say. I still think its possible the right person for all of us is out there, who would understand our weirdness and accept us for who we are. But it seems too hard to do all the dating stuff with different people, trying so hard and dealing with people that aren't right for us. Too much hassle :) My relationship with my cat is sooooo much easier. :)
I have no idea either. I missed the entire memo on how to approach and proceed with a romantic relationship. I've watched guys hitting on girls, and girls hitting on guys... amid the most banal and boring small talk (that would make me cringe) and.... they'd end up together. Complete mystery to me. Utterly baffling.
I discovered your channel a few weeks ago and have watched a lot of your videos. I recently have come to realize that I am very likely on the Spectrum. Hearing from other Autistic people about their experiences has given me a lot of peace about mine & other's differences, and new tools to make my life better. Things are starting to make a lot more sense. Truly, Thank You so much.
I soooooo can relate to this!! I genuinely for years believe that by being a good person to him, my then-partner would “learn” how to be a good person in return 🤦♀️little big info I was missing : he honestly did not care one bit about being a good person!!! He was being exactly who he wanted to be!
lil word of advice cos it might save you from real heartache...Never Ever enter into a relationship with anyone you feel "needs work" & lots of patience..cos..it aint happening..Go into relationships with people you are Already Friends with, that you can Accept As they Are. First..become friends..cos then..it has an actual Chance of Working :)
For me, relationship building is exactly that - building. I learn what they like, they learn what I like. I learn what they don’t like, they learn what I don’t like. For me, interactions I like solving problems. Tell me where you are? Here’s where I am. Where are we going from here? How are we going to get there? Takes time and patience to communicate four and five dimensional concepts (emotions) in a two dimensional manner (verbiage). Since no one is wrong, we’re just looking for solutions that are inclusive, it’s time consuming, but it’s rewarding.
Thank you , just today I was too stressed thinking about what could I make so someone would appreciate me and see the value in me , really tiring myself for not knowing what did I did wrong, or why some relationships failed, and putting all the work on me, when a relationships is based on two, and i shouldn't just work on trying to be perfect and likeable, and this is really great advice, really thank you Is a little bit silly to feel like crying but I NEEDED this right now
I feel like the only way I can create a relationship is to mask for a while, knowing inevitably it will end within a few weeks as the mask slips or a tire from it and shut down. The constant invisible barrier I have felt all my life between me and other, never able to form these emotional bonds that seem so normal to everyone else. My desire for a lot of alone time that keeps me on the peripheral of any friendship group I had. It makes any relationship I gain evaporate as you say.
I never realised how much I avoided relationships until I understood my past and current behaviours as autism and now I'm facing down this minefield I didn't know existed . This content helps . Thanks ☺️
Same honestly. I've given up on dating and except for one friend, who also highly suspects he's autistic, I've pretty much accepted that any other friendships I have will be short term friendships.
Same, but like me, i'm sure you're well aware that the giving up phase doesn't last forever. We'll dive right back into it again at some point, only to be damaged once again.
Paul, your videos have been quite literally saving my life. You’re the first person I’ve felt like I’ve actually looked up to. Thank you for what you do
Might sound patronising and cynical, but to the robotic aspies (myself included) the world might seem like a sixth grader trying to connect with third graders while the other way of seeing it is probably as that of a loonie moron who analyses everything. It isn't easy being a cyborg in a world of biobabies.
I really appreciate your videos. I have had a small thought in the back of my mind about being on the spectrum for quite some time now. RU-vid recommended your video “25 questions to ask yourself.....” and it hit home really hard. I want to pursue an official diagnosis but my executive functions are so poor I haven’t had insurance or a steady job in years which is making that task very difficult. But, I wanted to express gratitude to you for being a voice for the many of us wondering “what is wrong” with me. It’s really awesome knowing there isn’t anything “wrong” we’re just different.
As an older person officially undiagnosed being in the autism spectrum (self diagnosed by helpful RU-vidrs like you) I think many times the other person thinks WE are the “bye-bye” person and they look around thinking ‘where’d they go?’ because it is SOO energy draining to be there like a “bestie” should all day, every day, etc. So the other person who may be used to neuro-typical people as friends may think we are not really committed and then NOW we need them…what?! Yes I can be an extrovert and be social going to karaoke with friends then I have to stay home for like 3 weekends in a row because it exhausted me, I can see where the other people would have an attitude about me like I am the “gone girl” here today then MIA for a while. Perhaps they get feelings hurt that I am there only when it is ‘convenient’ for me. The key is talking and letting the neuro-typical peeps know what the deal is and open that door of communication??
How I feel as well. I think some of my friends think that I'm "ignoring them" as I have only answered their texts and ignored their last few phone calls. I feel like they are demanding of my time than I am of theirs which is fine. I think bringing up the Asperger's issue to my close friends and family may be what I do. In a sincere way. I believe a lot of unanswered questions on what people think of us will be looked at differently and possibly accepted. If they are not willing to understand us and the space and time we need for ourselves, then they may not be s good friend anyway. I liked the idea of asking close ones for small favors, as we do favors for them to strengthen the friendship. Then the next time I don't answer my phone for two days, they won't take it personal. This is why I love the idea of being transparent about my ASD condition, because in the end, even neurotypicals have personality disorders they know or don't know about. Having the real conversations are important.
I am the same. I can go out with friends on a Friday night and enjoy it but then I need weeks to recover and during those weeks I don’t beed(or want) much communication with them aside from occasional texts. This simply is not enough for most NTs as they want us to go out more often - they stop by our house unannounced(hell on earth) and just tend to not respect my social boundaries. the friendship ends
I get it. I've struggled with how friendships work all my life, and I thought it was just because we moved all the time and I got isolated instead of well socialized, but now I think I really am neurodivergent and I'm exploring that. A thought as I was listening to this video: now and then I've had someone who just came on too strong, trying hard to "be a friend" by following a rule set like "do things for this person, bring them things" and all, and at my end it was overwhelming. They just needed to back off a little. If the rule set they're using is, "I'm doing all these things for you, now you do something for me," and I didn't WANT them to do the things in the first place -- well, at my end that just feels manipulative. Or like trying to buy my friendship. Or clingy. Or intrusive. The worst and most extreme was my abusive ex who'd say, "Hey, look, I did the dishes for you! Now you have to do this freaky thing in bed for me," and I'd be, "Whoa, wait, I never agreed to that."
I'll add that for me, friendships have worked best in small groups. I don't do well in noisy crowds, but I also feel so awkward in one-on-ones over tea. I'm not good at small talk, or even deep talk. In a small group, though, I can talk when I feel like it and be quiet and listen when I feel like it. I'm in a craft group and on a Dragon boat team, and between them and my job, I get to socialize in a way that works for me. The one-on-one "let's get coffee!" thing is still a mysterious ritual for me, but I don't worry about it so much any more.
I am an introvert. I have a friend with highfunctioning autism. He is Lonely and Impatient. These traits stand out glaringly. It is a huge turnoff for friendship or dating when one person is constantly asking to talk and hang out. My social needs are less than most people and that adds another level to the issue. I desire to spend a couple of hours one day a week with friends but I don't have a way to say this without it sounding like an ultimatum. The Impatience leads to a lot of rudeness. I get asked what I was doing in the bathroom (I was doing what everyone else does in the bathroom), why I stopped walking (to tie my shoe), why I didn't answer the phone (I was doing something) and many other rude questions that can be linked to the Impatience trait of the condition.
This all sounds like "people pleaser" problems. It is realated to CPTSD. Look into "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving." by Pete Walker and the work of Richard Grannon.
I personally experience a strong link between my autistic behavior, what stresses me out and how I was raised as a child. My parents would ignore 'bad' behavior and reward 'good' behavior. The thing is, is that bad behavior was often linked to something that was an emotional need that I couldnt express in a way others could understand. So a lot of things were ignored. My needs werent met and I dulled my senses, dulled my interaction with other people and basically became the number one target at school. When I was 14, the diagnose was given but even before then, my parents knew that I was different and they did their best to guide me. But now that I am 28, I am putting the pieces together on what it means. Since the lock down, I journal a lot. I meditate on a daily basis, do yoga and go out for walks. I watch youtube videos, receive a lot of coaching from work and I am finally learning on how to feel. On how to feel my own needs and how to communicate them. I guess I learned to talk to my parents only very recently. My dad got very angry. He got very angry at himself. How could we have failed you the way we did? It is hard to know what goes on in an autistic person. It requires patience. Time. Space. A stable environment. And just like I need to train my brain in order to do better, the same goes for them. And that's... alright I suppose.
I have really bad CPTSD. My so called kin set me up on false charges and let me sit in Jail, innocently, getting beaten, inject with drugs I'm allergic ti and all my human rights and dignity stripped. What little I had to start with . They have no remorse. These creatures are Demonic. Autistics are the chosen ones. The demons don't like our truth.
I'm not even autistic, and this was so helpful. I too find that I give too much in friendships and relationships, and find that they evaporate. I realised, watching this, that I never ask for ANYTHING, as I'm such a loner that I never ask for help.
This video was so eye opening, thank you! I have operated with the idea that I'm self reliant and since I get drained easily when other people have a lot of demands from me, I try to do the opposite in my relationships. Even when there are little things I could use help with, I don't ask for help so I don't inconvenience anyone. I've always had the idea in my head that I'm positioning myself as someone who only asks for help when I really need it. (Thinking that would entice a friend to step up if I'm asking, "this must be serious if she's asking for help" kinda thing.) So many times this hasn't worked out, just like you explained in this video. This video is a real game changer, thank you for making it!
This was exactly my thought process too, i would hold off asking for help until I really truly needed it. And then the other person wouldn't help me and it would hurt more, because in my mind, "I so rarely ask for help so she must know that if I'm asking this one time, that automatically means it's a very serious situation and I really need the help. So she knows that and is rejecting me at my weakest. What an awful 'friend'."
Your insight is changing my life! Your words are unique! Now I'm telling myself that I should risk rejections to build a relationship. I repeat with myself each day ''a tiny risk of rejection, a tiny chance of making it stronger'' ''and it makes me ready gradually to leave the relationship if it stays weak''. And this formula is working! and besides, I'm feeling a lot better in my relationships! I'm feeling more valued. Thank you so so much! I needed your advice. I have had a long history of being too nice in relationships and always mistakenly hoping that one day it will work.
"The Endless Chain Of Evaporating Relationships" long since given up. And. quite frankly, what you are suggesting is beyond me. I have no idea if people want me around, no idea if I am welcome ... so the only way to avoid imposing myself on others (because i will not 'get the hint'), is to only engage with people when they contact me. .... and that eventually stops. The sad thing is I have realized that i really do not get anything from other people. Others register the positive feedback from people when they see their expressions and understand their words, but i talk to people and maybe i see them smile, but I have little to no idea why they are smiling, so it means nothing. I recently had a couple of experiences with colleagues at work, that put it into perspective... Person A is from a county where they are really expressive, and there have been a few times where she has expressed something enough that it actually registered. A small thing, but she has waved hello like she was actually happy to see me ... and it was like if you are in a crowded room with many conversations and then you overhear someone say your name ... you get this 'tickle' of recognition in you brain as you name shines out of the din. Well, the wave was kind of like that .. i guess I had a puzzled look on my face... Is this what everyone else fells all the time? That you see the smile and the wave and it actually registers as 'I am actually happy to see you'. It is a bit weird but even the few instances where she expressed irritation with me, where i could actually 'see it', were very positive, relaxing experiences for me. This gets put into stark relief by having a three hour conversation with another colleague (Person B) about a shared love of music and hobbies. Three hours of discussion. including me reciting poetry, but at no point did I get any emotional feedback at all from her ... she was a complete blank slate. So i have been shown 'this is what you are missing', had it dangled in front of me, and shown absolutely clearly that i have no chance of seeing it ever again. I have given up trying to have friends, given p on trying to have a romantic relationship ... i just have no clue as i simply cannot see any emotional feedback. what makes it all the more galling is that I have spent years studying psychology and have solved the 'theory' of people, I just can't manage the practical reality. sorry for rambling on ... and thanks if you got this far.
I can really relate to what you are saying 👍 I have pretty much given up now, age 66. It's too complicated and I have studied for YEARS trying to get myself "sorted out"... It's just not happening and I guess I am saying now that I don't care anymore. Even people I have known 55+ years, 40, 20, even my brother...😓 I have been through too many traumatic experiences... I HAVE to mask even with my daughter, but I think the only people I can be myself is with my grandchildren. I have a couple female friends but I never get to see them anymore. I have had to adjust to feeling alone which is NOT hard for me because I prefer being alone.
Your voice is so calm and kind. Unfortunately I related very hard to everything you said and was able to identify some patterns in my past relationships. I also have an issue maintaining boundaries when someone hurts me, I think "well I've put so much effort into this relationship it would be a shame to scrap it all over one thing." But then there keeps being more things and eventually I'm more dedicated to not having wasted the effort I put in, than i am enjoying or feeling cared for in the relationship. I have actually ended up in a lot of abusive relationships because of this pattern and a few you mentioned in the video.
I’m having a hard time with the transition of my boyfriend leaving. Then the separation anxiety is so bad to the point I’m thinking about ending it. I don’t connect over text messages. It’s uncomfortable being in a relationship. When physically together, I can express much better & we are fine but apart the texting and separation is literally too much.
I’m pretty lonely because I can’t seem to keep a conversation with anybody bc I just don’t know what the hell to talk about. I guess people just assume I don’t want to be friends with them or something idk. I also have a reaallllly hard time connecting emotionally with anybody. I actually am not sure if I have autism but I’ve been watching these videos and it explains so much about me and I can relate so much so I am going to get assessed soon!
I'm not on the spectrum, but I have dated someone who is. He was the kindest, thoughtful person I had the pleasure of getting to know. He over thought everything but I loved him immensely and genuinely thought he was the one for me. However, he kept "creating" problems that were not really there in order to distance himself from the relationship. Eventually, the relationship ended, 10 days after he spontaneously puts a red rose on my car to show me he loves me. I genuinely don't know how better a person I could have been. I felt he wanted the perfect person who doesn't exist because he was afraid of the rejection and hurt he might cause me. I believe he also had commitment phobia, fed by his anxiety.
Similar situation here. I ended up saying that we should just stay friends also because each time I was ready to take a step closer (he said he wanted a romantic relationship with me) he'd pull back which didn't make me feel safe in trying to steer things in a romantic direction. In addition he also has had difficulty letting go of his ex gf with whom he stayed in a fwb relationship for a while: a situation about which he was not transparent with me about when we first met so this brought about trust issues from the very beginning. He also made it clear, when I first met him, that he doesn't do commitment (another reason I decided we'd just stay friends). Despite these challenges over time I was willing to give him a chance but every time I try to take a step closer he'll retreat. I do consider myself a genuine and caring friend. However, from what I've observed over the years, it seems like the fear of abandonment, rejection and loss is so great that he self sabotages (as that feels safer). This makes any sort of emotional connection very difficult. I'm here and want to give affection, support and connection but don't know how to scale that impenetrable wall that he's built around himself. I realise that it's his self preservation kicking in but it's a tough one.
Thank you for sharing. You have summed up my failed marriage in this matter - I was also a child of a narcissistic mother, who I tried to please all the time... I brought that behaviour into the marriage, along with occasional rages. ☹
This is my life. But also I did speak up when I was hurt by them and told them that I felt ignored. They acted like I was attacking them and continued to ignore me. 😔
I really needed to hear this. Ever since my transition to cyber classes things have been awful. I've been loosing touch with friends left and right. I try to reach out and make large amounts of effort but hardly get anything in exchange. I think I only frequently talk to 3 people now. And it's miserable but I can't wait to break this cycle once and for all.
was dating a man with Asperger for 4 months (last weeks we started to see each other two days per week) until I asked him if he was available the next day and I offered to bring him some food. His answer was: I don't like to see people so often and I'm not ready for a relationship. I was shocked and now I'm so sad! I really don't get it, mostly because he was the one who often wrote me to see each other and said to me that he liked to spend time with me. I know that for Asperger's people expressing feeling are complicated. But I have problems to understand the suddenly change. P.S. I excuse for my English, my first language is Spanish.
Ya me imagino tu desconcierto. Al principio se piensa que todo obedece quizás a diferencias culturales, pero al cabo de un tiempo y experiencias se cae en cuenta de que esa persona cercana o especial en realidad es distinta o muy peculiar por otras causas.
It’s odd to me because my boyfriend perceives himself as doing all the work (he’s autistic and I’m not) whereas for me I don’t feel like he’s doing much at all. I wonder what he thinks he’s doing, because whatever it is isn’t working at all
i see what you're saying about pulling on a muscle. I definitely have pulled too much muscles back in the day. and it has caused me not to pull at all for years longer. Thanks for the video. it has helped so much.
It makes a lot of sense what you're saying. It also means yet another social activity to be constantly aware of, work on, evaluate, improve on, get feedback on et cetera. A lot of hard work to get something that you may well ask yourself of whether it is worth all that work. Yes you have a friend or can participate in a group, but every participation leaves you exhausted. That is where I am at now. I am exhausted from all the hard work I have put into relationships, and need to keep putting in to try and understand what the other(s) mean, understand, think and want. Which by the way is hardly ever reciprocated.
I have no patience for this. I’m so tired. Why can’t this be easy? Why can’t someone in real life understand? Why do I always have to start things? Why am I so lonely? Why am I so upset? I’ve learned to just not play ball the moment I see someone drop theirs, especially when we are in the initial stages. Im just not doing this one sided thing anymore. Either understand, be present, or leave. End of story.
wow, it's like he's referring to my life exactly. I've just got done trying hard to be the best friend I know how to be. everything after around the 6-minute mark is what I've needed to move to a better place.
I am receiving counseling right now and he say this happens to everyone, I feel like I'm talking to a wall despite him having a degree I want to scream.I have 36 on the aspie test from Cohen I took the test on line and told him about it , they say I'm just ADHD.
Shop around for the right counsellor it usually takes a few times. That’s not good if the counsellor dismisses your perspective, they may have tried to normalise it as a general issue that applies to everyone, but the delivery of this message created that wall. You’ve got options
Yep But when you're so smart you can mask it, they can't know. They don't know how you think or feel, only you do. I know the frustration. I've accepted I will probably be self-diagnosed my whole life and slip through the cracks
Awe, you are such a cutie! I had that problem too for the longest time. Luckily, work with a lady who is on the lower end of the autistic spectrum (like me), and we connect on a deeper level because we understand each other. We understand that we are both introverted and have sensory issues when it comes to touch and to noise. We also both highly value reciprocating and doing things to help each other. She is just as eager to help me make MY job easier as I am with wanting to make HER job easier (doing things for each other, and neither of us even has to ask, we just do it because we each try to be the kind of person that we ourselves would want to be around). So, that much is great anyways 🙂.
When Rafael Nadal was a small child, his trainer (his Uncle) made him play tennis with his left hand as well as his right. After years, it became second nature to Nadal. For a “giver” to learn how to have a reciprocal relationship would take years. It's foreign. But the rewards are worth it, many times over. A red letter day for me was when I realized how people who were always there for me, never said no, so anxious to please me ....well they were somewhat annoying. One day I was able to see myself through them. It was life changing
The tests alone are not enough. They need to have consequences (for you, not "punishment" for the other). Walking away in graduated way is one consequence. Not needing or enforcing "friendship" is necessary too.
I feel like when people approach me (because of course i’m too scared to approach others) they talk to me and realize i’m not as good as they thought i was and so they leave me. It’s like i scare everyone away. The people who do keep talking to me treat me badly. I attract the wrong people and ward off the nice people.
I wish I could say all these comments make me feel better but they make me feel worse, like I’m stuck in some sort of “Lonely Hearts Club” without the cool band leader…
WOW, Paul ... this is so incredibly bang-on. It's incredible how validated I feel after I watch your videos. The more I understand, the more hope I have. Thank you so much!
I am seeing this three years later and you might have covered this since then - the narcissistic predator who finds and grooms us, uses and abuses us until we are nothing and then discards us when all we seek is love, safety, and connection.
This video explain exactly how I feel and what I do in all my relationships. Literally think in the start of the video "that's not how it works friendship? " Thank you really this change mi mind completely
I am under the impression that I have the reverse problem with some of my relationships. Like I ask them for too much help and so I feel like I exhaust them. The problem is that when such a relationship start developing around me, I end up not knowing what I can offer often. Like if I ask for helping me in some stressful moments from time to time what would constitute a valuable help for them ?
The glue which makes relationships stick, is to have neutral common ground. For example, with my bestie I can talk about dice, art, DnD and memes. Most of our conversations revolve about these slow paced things. With other people I can talk about history, books, art and a different Dnd setting. These are conversations which resolve around interests and the sharing of said interests. With others I bind over the big highlights/low lights of my day and I ask them on how they see matters. With others I talk philosophy and show great care in our bound. The interesting thing is, is that in most cases these things are agreed on in an almost implicit way. I met them as friends of friends or had a small talk conversation with that just grew into something more. I dont really mask around these people. With my bestie I have the agreement that I need to ask her if she is up for a story. With others I am more on guard when it comes to sharing and/or asking for help. And the thing is with help, emotional regulation and the like... Everyone must learn to manage their own, to a degree. Over asking burns people out. Having at least 5 positive/neutral conversations against 1 negative/asking one, helps to keep a balance.
@@elyaequestus1409 That ratio is such a good thing to keep in mind! A similar one is to leave at least two out of three thoughts unsaid. I am aware that I sometimes talk too much, so when I get that feeling that I'm talking too much, I count in my head and make sure that I only say something every third time that I want to. It helps! People don't need to be bowled over by an avalanche of words every time they see me. Sometimes other people need a turn to be the chatterboxes!
Companionship is valuable. If you are someone who makes them feel like they are seen and respected, that is extremely valuable. And it's as simple as asking questions, and then repeating their answers back to them in different words. And also if you are a happy person, who laughs and cheers them up, people like this as well. (Not in a fake way, though, so if that's not you it's better to, instead of fake jollyness, just avoid complaints and negativity and that's pleasant as well.)
I definitely can relate. It has been such a struggle to discern how to navigate in relationships.. I have stopped trying to work at it out of fear of being hurt 😢
Hi! Thank you for this video! It helped me understand many things about relationships from the inside of ASD. Your special interest, emotional intelligence is really good! You are very skilled and expressive. Congratulations on this video and channel, I hope you are doing good :)
Thank you. I needed this video today. I was about to throw in the towel with all my friends because of something hurtful a few of them did. I know they’re both lovely people and what happened was likely an accident but I’ve been shut away with my nuclear meltdown for the past day so I don’t say something I regret. This was some very much needed perspective at the right time.
Thank you so much for this! Your videos have been a foundation of discussions between my partner (also Aspergers/ADHD like myself); you described the patterns of my codependent-service focused patterns of most of my life. I am so grateful for videos like these to help confirm my world, and to help me share my world with those in my life, who may see the old patterns of me, and not understand me. Now I understand myself so much better and that helps everything. These videos are so important to share. thank you!
An addition that I've had to the forming relationships problem is that I've gotten rather paranoid about politeness, the ones who are too polite to tell you how you've been annoying and will let it all slide until they get fed up and cut you off. I had lost friends this way, they were good friends that I felt were as close to me as family, so I guess I'm still a bit shattered about it. I had been saying that true friendships are what we are compelled to and that they are never a burden. I've been waiting to find the friends that I'd be compelled to be around and compelled to talk to and as it stands for the moment I don't have those friends I feel compelled to open up to (just my husband). The steps brought up in the video are sound and logical, but I feel I'm missing the element in which I can open myself up to people. I'm likely just going through a difficult part in my life.
I’m also on the autism spectrum. The only in-person “real” relationship I was in (he was/is also autistic) ended with him dumping me because (and I quote) there were things about me that were “fun and quirky at the start of the relationship that became less fun and quirky over time”. That was five months ago (as of writing this) and it’s scared me from attempting to try dating again; what’s the point of dating if the person you’re dating isn’t Mr. Right and it’ll just end in heartbreak?
The point of dating is to find Mr. Right. You’ll have less heartbreak if you reflect on that past relationship and analyze what you liked about it and what you didn’t like about it. What you liked about him and what you didn’t like about him. And keep a list to refer back to when selecting future partners. Look for negative qualities early on that might be dealbreakers for you.
I sometimes feel like a mascot. In group situations people love me, or at least make me feel included, but to get any closer to a few people within that group is impossible.
I know that people constantly say these things are learnable, but it truly doesn't feel that way. Try as I might, I never seem to make any progress. I guess it's good that it works for someone.
I appreciate your input and have viewed one of your first videos about rejection as well. However, I wonder if there is a significant difference with those that have Aspergers and their ability to "give" to a relationship. Maybe their perception is that they are giving, but they are not truly able to connect deeply? You say that you are able to give, give, give in a relationship. How long were these relationships you had that evaporated? As a neurotypical person, my feeling is that the man I dated for 3 years) wasn't able to give emotionally and physically because of his Aspergers constraints. He did not give back in return that helped grow the relationshipo and validate his words of love. The first couple months were great and the attention and care was there, but it quickly faded. I hear that this is not uncommon in an AS/NT relationship because the AS person is masking, working hard to normalize and act neurotypical, but can't keep it up. This started to show up in our relationship after about the 4th month. After that, I found that I was doing nearly all the giving, whether in time, emotions, help, physical affection, etc. I tried to talk with him about this issue on countless occasions and gave specific ideas to help him see what he could do (if he was willing) that would help me feel loved and valued. Unfortunately, he usually had a litany of reasons for why he wasn't able to and nearly all of them were stress/anxiety related about work and such. He said he loved me and he talked about a future in marriage, but his actions didn't match the words. I wonder if most men with Aspergers are unable to truly connect on a deeper level because of their neuro constraints. They believe they can, but just aren't able to. For instance: 1. sensory issues, 2. hyper passion about their special interests, often work, that keep them from prioritizing people, 3. communication issues, 4. inability to share deeper emotions because they may not be in touch with them themselves, 5. needing very long periods to recharge where they aren't in contact with their loved one, 6. uncomfortable being physically intimate, etc. It was very heartbreaking to genuinely love someone who appears to be unable to connect on a deeper level.
08:50 quote "the way to end the cycle of rejection is to risk rejection sometimes" "Risk a bit, win a bit" that's how relationship strengthen" This points to our lack of social safety. (Giving too much can simply makes the other feeling awkward and go. i presume. Being only used by one for the help we provide can be psychologically called "unhealthy relationship". Very common.) Normies have as much difficulties as us, other types of difficulties. We have the problem of low self-esteem: we are avoided then or encounter "predators" Work on self-esteem first ?
