Avoidant Personality Disorder & being worthy of love 

wow I feel exactly the same way. This "right" to be loved is also a thing that I feel I don't have and that I'd have better odds winning the lottery

Wow... I am 33 now and I never knew where my constant sorrow and my miserable self-image come from... I just today read about AvPD for the first time and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Hearing your words... the way you justify your flaws and try to rationally weigh your own pros and cons. I would have said exactly the same thing. I have been diagnosed with dysthymia long ago, but no mental health professional has ever said a word about this disorder to me. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is so shockingly similar to mine.

10:00 omfg dont say that , thats so painful to hear you say that , youre magnificent youre a miracle , a treasure you deserve all the best things and to be cherished

With APD we tend to maximize our negative qualities and minimize our positive ones. We also tend to conflate issues we dislike about ourselves as something someone else will dislike. It's part of the inferiority complex mindset that goes with our APD. It's also not fair to compare yourself to others and especially fictional characters in a romance novel. Just try to love yourself, perceived flaws and all. You are worthy of love, but it has to start with yourself.

You're so pretty ❤ im glad i found your channel. You're way too hard on yourself. Give yourself a break!

Im glad I came across your video. It was actually by accident. I was trying to look at videos about avoidant attachment style (my husband's attachment style). I accidentally clicked on this and I feel like Im listening to myself. I relate so much. I dont know anything about avoidant personality disorder, but have subscribed to your channel now and am interesting in hearing more. Thanks for sharing your thoughts ❤

I don't feel like I deserve love, in any form, due to the fact I feel like I'm a bad person as well as intrinsically inferior. I have BPD as well as AvPD and am never able to be "authentic". I don't think I even HAVE an authentic self. Having AvPD means I hold everyone at arm's length and put on a "happy, friendly, funny" persona as my default, but it's exhausting after a while. And then, also having BPD, when I have a Favourite Person, this is the ONLY time I can ever open up and really show myself. But even then, what I'm showing sometimes feels like an act. I never really know how I feel.

Welcome back. I don't have the answers either but you brought up a good point "It's easier to see positive qualities in others than yourself". That is one foundation on which one can endear a long battle with self hatred. An obsession about hiding flaws that's been pointed out to you by others. Holding back any sign of a personality. After many years of being alone my perceptions of being human and longing to be loved have shifted to coming to the conclusion that I'm less than human and my many flaws outweigh my good qualities which makes it easy to 'close the doors' so to speak and just accept my fate. Nihilism with fatalistic perception. You get to a point where you can no relate with the hero/ the protagonist who rides off into the sunset who has a memorable catchphrase and gets the girl in the end. you're not a hero. you have more in common with a character who's unlikable, never wins and unapologetically fails at the end. you're the fodder that goes against the hero and loses in an unspectacular fashion. You die off screen. I'm redundant. I don't matter. It doesn't matter. I'm a broken person who will only be burden and hold somebody back. And so on and so forth. Forever alone. A lot of cruel takes relayed to yourself in loop. It's not something I would say to someone else. The only way to cope is to distract yourself from yourself and others who may or may not agree with you. It's not a fun battle. 'Everyone deserves love except myself'. It may not be true but it's really hard to find a counter argument to that statement with all the damning evidence you have against yourself.

Another great video! Thank you for being so candid , vulnerable and honest , thats not easy! I really relate to this. My Mom abandoned me when i was 12/13 , so i think its tough for me to believe when people see my "bad side" they will wanna stick around or work thru it...like in my mom's case , she abandoned me for some guy she'd only known for 2 months , but had money....We've only ever had a very superficial relationship since. Most moms I hear talk about their children , always remark they'd always choose their children over any guy ....it always hurts me to hear that. ( even though it's a positive overall ) ( He was from the military, and I was angry because of the divorce 2 months earlier , and very rebellious, so he knew he had to get rid of me to "rule the roost" ) EDIT : Also because of that , I think love , relationships, and society always operates very transactionally .....and when you look at things in that light , theres always someone who can provide more i suppose. Do people even look deep enough, or care deep emough these days to even value or identify your truly unique qualities which are not materialistic or performance based?

Thank you so much for your vulnerability, its truly very helpful 🙏🏼

Thank you for sharing your voice and experience! I have been watching your videos for a few months and you have helped me understand and show patience and compassion to someone in my life with AvPD. Firstly, I want to tell you that you are such an eloquent and articulate speaker, you really have a gift with language and expression. Also I commend your bravery and tenacity in sharing your life and experiences, some of which I know can be painful and difficult. I commend and admire you for both! Bringing a face and a voice to mental illness and AvPD in particular is a commendable mission! Thank you! And I wish there were more people like you in this world! ❤

I don't have an answer to this because I've always felt the same way. To the point where I've never sought out a relationship... Though I can't say that that's not mostly due to my social anxiety. Yes, I am the 40 year old virgin... I'm not down in the dumps about it as it's not something that I ever put myself out there for. But, I am human and of course I've often wondered what it would be like to experience love. Heck, I think it would be a great feeling just to have someone to go on a walk with and talk about whatever. Admittedly when I think about that it makes me sad that I will likely never have that experience. Though I just can't even imagine dating, especially not at my age... The anxiety I get just thinking about it is too much to handle. I just don't believe I can be myself enough socially, and if I could manage it I don't think anyone would like what they see anyways. I don't see myself as having enough good qualities to outweigh the bad (basically what you said in the video). Yes, I'm a good person, but outside of that I feel that I'm a letdown in every other aspect. Good video, kinda hits hard though. Brings up a lot that I try not to think about, but the older I get the more I think about it. 😞

Hope you’re doing alright 🙂 glad to have your voice in this space!

Hey! Thank you for the vids , it’s super helpful that you’re bringing awareness to it!

My opinion: What you definitely have to work for is respect (at least to a large extent). Are you acting on your own values and ideals or are you committing self-betrayal over and over again? Perhaps self-respect has a direct impact on whether you allow yourself to recognize your self-worth and feel good about yourself? Now you can translate this to a romantic relationship by yourself 😅 It's always nice to hear from you :)

Before even watching: YES you do!! But as someone who knows the difficulties of AVPD, I know how our brain works. Is it for you the same: knowing that people love you or care about you, but just hesitant to acknowledge it or say it out loud? I'll comment again after watching ❤

Real, healthy love is not the loce that happens in most books or movies, most fairy tales are toxic relationships. Beauty and the beast- stalkholm syndrome. Cinderella- a woman waiting for a man to save her and he love bombed her, fast as that happened prince charming was probably a narcissist or a psychopath, he was far too charming which is a red flag. Snow white- necrophilia and pedophilia she was 14.... The little mermaid- severe codependency she changed herself completely for a man and she was 16.... Dont get me started on twilight, edward was controlling and abusive and preyed on a child as a 109 year old man... and bella was trauma bonded and a complete doormat with no boundaries. Frozen is a good one. That relationship with kirstoff is actually healthy. Pride and prejudice is a reasonably healthy love story. My advice would be to work on yourself and your depression with a therapist before seriously dating. You do deserve love but until you heal you will sabotage any relationship that could be healthy and hurt people who dont deserve it.

Awhile ago I heard something along the lines of needing to treat a long-term partner as you would a child because we bring our most vulnerable selves to these relationships. Although I find that anti romantic, I did agree it was more realistic. I think especially for those with a lot of wounds. In healing, I've had to foster a similar relationship with myself. Thinking about myself as a child that I need to take care of. I have ADHD too and I have trouble eating so I have to adopt an attitude of how do I take care of this child who is hungry but unable to eat. Before I would just ignore the needs by snacking but now I have found ways to sit down for a meal (with different accommodations) and I feel much better afterwards but it takes a lot more time and effort than my snacking routine but I do it for this other person inside me (that is how I need to frame it). I think finding happiness in life and love is more like this than the romances. I love romance and for me it is a dopamine obsession. But it has given me so much trouble in life honestly. For a long time I denied that. But learning to take care of my needs step by step has shown me that. Sometimes it's just small things that are needed to feel comfortable and relaxed and that helps with everything else.

You are fucking amazing, so keep going, girl ❤❤❤

Thank you for sharing your experience. I love your videos. They are very important and helpful for me. I have AvPD too :( Hope you're doing alright 🥰🥰 Greetings from Poland

Hi! I’ve been focusing on my healing and going to therapy for some time now. What I’ve learned is that people and situations are a reflection of us. If we care for ourselves and have the self respect we are more capable of setting boundaries, speaking our truth, having healthy conversations, self regulating, etc. We basically start to prioritize ourselves and lives, and with time the fog does clear up and it becomes easier to feel that we are deserving of love, without having to do much for it. It starts with looking inside and really facing what keeps on coming up. We have to face the fear / emotions until they become less :). That’s just my take on it! We do deserve love, we’ve just been in situations that blocked us from seeing that. That is my opinion on this. It was nice to hear your thoughts.

Your points are valid. However, you are very young. You hopefully will resolve these struggles and then evolve. . .I’m here because algorithim spots I’m into learning about avoidant attachment as I’m dating one of those 😢 . . I guess your situation is a bit more extreme. I think you’re self aware enough to make some positive changes. ❤

Having had an avpd wife for 7 years, I can totally see similarities in this kind of thinking... what's perplexing and frustrating however is when trying to change this thinking, she focused on blaming me and accused me for killing the softer people pleasing version of her. She still people please everyone but me though.

do you find you have trouble opening up to others? I do, and its severe. I've broke up with a girl once, said we couldn't communicate, and she was like YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T COMMUNICATE. But I find Most relationships pretty very alienating.

I try to not make this too long But I kinda want to share my perspective. I'm 28 and securely attached and diagnosed with A.D.D I got to know a girl with extreme dismissive avoidant attachment maybe avpd as well. The label doesn't really matter for me because everyone develops/adapts individually to the environment and inner world. To the point. I developed genuine feelings for her, we texted almost daily in the evening. She updated me on her day to day life.I always said I wanted to see her again. But I let her the say what to do and when. With time the relationship didn't went anywhere. Her fear of intimacy went bigger and she shut down any social interraction when we met to the point I didn't felt welcome anymore. What I wanna say is that no matter how deeply I loved and cared for her she would assumably not recieve the love I tried to give her. Because for her connection and intimacy is associated with a lot of fears and hurt. I personally think that everyone deserves love even Hitler wasn't born this way. But as an adult we are responsible for how we treat people including ourselfes. And never blame the past version of you because we always behave according to what we know.

I imagine most of the ideas that people with AvPD hold as truths are warped by a terrible self esteem so potential friends, family or partners could have a very different perspective ( a perspective that could maybe also be warped by their own brand of personality disorder xD). But hopefully their perspective is more positive and they're able to value qualities that someone with AvPD wouldn't see in themselves.

I don't think it's a matter of being worthy. It's just that behavior-wise it's set to fail from the very beginning. So yes the actions of this personality are always going to make relationships fail. "But can't I control my actions?" I hear you ask... Unfortunately a personality disorder means that the person has no control.

Sure you are worthy, we all have wounds. Those wounds are no reason to doubt yourself. If anyone claims that you are not worth their affection, they're not worth your time. Someone who loves you, will love you for you, scares & all. Those negative things you list, most likely would correct with a true loving relationship. Well maybe if Hitler was loved growing up, he would've turned out different.

10:59 - Yes

❤

Intelligence and mental health disorders, the perfect duo!

4:37 This hit hard. It is the same question i ask myself whenever someone says: "You deserve to be (xyz)."

How can I get diagnosed?

Also: Is (maybe in a secret manner) thinking there are a lot of bad things about you a way to protect yourself from emotional intimacy?

Girl, start a "Gratitude Journal". If you have a roof over your head, food in the refrigerator, a change of clothes and a dollar in your pocket, you are richer than 80% of people in the world.

So much love for you and your honest openness here. RESONANCE .III, SOLIDARITY. Love is much much bigger than our dominant pair-only fictional model of relationships allows. IIIΞ love openly best in-societies.

I have truama all my life cptsd n maybe avoidance disorder as I defo know I do along with ibs What I know is that book is unrealistic to the sptrue struggles of truama but we do have positive n strength etc There's defo way more positive sides to yiu n me N we attract toxic ppl who prey on our vulnerable sides n make us blame ourselves I battle with worthy of love I feel a burden n friends n support pretend tco care or be there for me but show me the opposite But Father loves us through n through n doesn't see us for our weaknesses n gives strength N love from anyone means that too love means that loving us through everything n providing streghtn where we are weak n vice versa too One thing I know now is Father sends you the love n that loves you no matter where you are I relate to you not taking care of self isolating mental battles etc etc n it getting worse n giving up but still trying to heal We can love n heal ourselves only so far but we also need support n love from outside too I see that too we can't do it all alone N when someone is sent to y8u to love you they will love n support all of you sickness n health You are always deserving of love n good enough The man He sent me is someone I was in love with since I was 13 n never imagined I'd have him in my 30s 35 soon 36 crazy I defo still struggle with believing I don't deserve Him or my man rtv or I'm a burden etc Loving self is nmuch work in rewiring subconscious takes time defo can be done w loved ones or self But don't give up belief n hope no natter how small it is ke3o dreaming as you know your worth truly

You know what helps a lot smoking a little vape thc it's a life changer for me i can actually hold a conversation with strangers without getting anxious and weird 😅

I wish that I could love you❤

I wish I was a person

Well, I love you. So, there! 😺 But, I'm in Vermont and haven't left the house for two weeks because of a mangled ankle. Sorry. 😿 To make it up to you, here's a virtual cup of coffee (Ethiopian Sidamo from 802 Coffee Company): ☕ I love your glasses. Very stylish! ❤️

9:46 it makes me wonder if the way that ive been treated in relationships over the coarse of my life. is a result of me being who i am with all of these fatal flaws'' are you asking if you deserve to be treated badly because you consider yourself of low value? the answer is HELL NO. first of all the way people behave towards others says more about themselves than about who they are treating badly. you listed some ''fatal flaws'' which in my perspective arent flaws but dificult circumstances. being unemployed isnt a personality trait. its a circumstance created by the cognitive/emotional difficulties that come from your avoidant personality disorder. i never much liked the term ''personality disorder'' because it seems to hint that theres something wrong with someone's personality. but avoidance is a coping strategy for fear. avoidance and fear arent personality traits either. i kinda wonder how come you have a lot of thoughts about your value? are you trying to find flaws in yourself to see reasons someone could have, to treat you badly or to not value you as a person? could it be that your fear for bad outcomes in social relationships is causing you to excessively look inwards to see what reasons others might have to want to not like you? if i may give 1 usefull strategy and this is something that really helped me to value myself more is that you dont want to compare yourself to other people. i used to compare myself to other people. and yeah compared to others my age group i feel like im falling way behind. but others lived a different life than us, they grew up with different circumstance. its kinda hard to win a race if the other person only has to run half the obstacles you do. so instead i only focus on myself. i focus on making better choices and then i look back to see the good things ive done for myself.

Hi, am on my personal account, but wanted to see if you were interested in collaborating with a nonprofit organization for Avoidant Personality. Some examples: we feature your channel in our upcoming newsletter, maybe an interview, things like that.

What does "deserving love" mean?

The whole concept of being worthy of love is a bit silly. People, especially avoidants, should stop living on these mantras and start being proactive if they wan't to "get" love. Nothing in life is served to us on a plate. I choose to love myself instead and not change a damn thing. Choices. :D

You're basically female version of me!

Much love from here. 🫂❤️❤️❤️💕 How can I be a good friend for a person with avoidant personality disorder? 🌷✨