Being Emotionally Available | Alison Armstrong 

You're welcome :) Thank you for sharing!

My great grand mother called her husband and, by extension, all men “dirty devils”. I was raised by nothing more than that. I felt safe enough to get married at 42, after a few years in therapy for Complex PTSD. I admitted I don’t know much about any kind of healthy relationship with a man but I’ve known this man on and off for 7 years and ,since therapy, I have learned healthier skills and I felt safe marrying him. My husband is also a trauma survivor so the new relationship has layers. We’re 3 months in and are already getting counseling for the level of damage being done in our marriage. I can’t afford the classes, but I am here to learn and do what I can to step up in my share of the marriage commitment.

Gosh I’m sorry.. please don’t be hard on yourself though! Most women don’t know about this

You're a wonderful person ❤😊 A lot of women wouldn't be willing to think about these things let alone to be willing to do whats best for their partner especially if that means addmitting that what they have been doing isn't working and be willing to try something different. Your man is lucky to have you!

Thank you!

Gut instinct gives a jump-start to the adrenals, (or Is adrenal;), if one could be unsafe, I suppose.

Godham you are so right. All the ´6 foot, 300k income, musclebound´ demands are the same thing. It is also the living vicariously through my adventures, or bad boy crims. The thrill without responsibility

Absolutely agree. Excruciating to listen to her and I also need breaks. I suspect she’s (unintentionally?) developed a childlike way of speaking that appeals to and disarms men. But to women it’s horrible to get through bc it makes us feel like children being spoken to by our babysitter/caretaker. Maybe men are drawn to this in a positive way bc western society/3rd wave feminism relates to them in a negative way and the Barbie voice makes them feel safe?

@@rental226 I have no problem with Alison's voice. I think she is really sweet and it's just her natural voice. If it triggers you, I suggest you question what you are making it mean? It says something about you, not Alison.

Good question. Are they healthy mentally and financially stable adult men? Or just big boys?

Sex (read: intimacy/closeness) is intimately tied to consequences for women. Their relationship with reality is one of perpetual consequences for the most meaningful feeling in the world, love. They live in a world where loving the wrong person can lead to suffering, loving too many people leads to violence, loving at the wrong time leads to an entire shift of life direction. Love, for women, is a burden they value highly and struggle with early. And that love & intimacy embodied in sex is thus intimately tied with safety from those consequences. The more a man is free from the 1000 ways she senses loving him could threaten her emotionally or literally, the more she is drawn to him. So in contrast, when they look at men, they see a person who seems to be unbothered by the countless consequences that comes with sex, intimacy, and having love. In her eyes, men are blind to the countless little dangers they are producing with their very being. They seem to not even notice or care about what they do that makes things worse for others. They just rush towards what they want, Love, Sex, without consideration NOR the consequences for that action, if they so choose. The look free and stupid and perpetually carving a path of destruction. Just that some do it more than others. This is what it sounds like you basically see. And any woman would see this if they looked at men critically from their own pov as a woman because Intimacy = Consequences for women. But men don’t experience themselves or the world this way at all. Men see themselves as already dead in a dead world. And Intimacy is Life, the only living thing in this plane. If they want to be safe, they feel intuitively that they need to know how to generate that themselves. They feel are the wall against their own death, and that Intimacy, Love, or Care is not even a chess move to decide their fate. It is a luxury item. they do not experience some Love as right or wrong to choose because regardless of the choice Love will not shield him away from violence or death. Unsafe is Life for men, not really something you are, more or less of, in any situation - UNLESS you know how to Force safety out of the situation. The result is a very firm identity, and strength that comes from being grounded in the worst case scenario in our minds. Men’s non-emotionality (to whatever degree he has it) comes from an early understanding that garnering Love, crying, and pulling on the heart of others does not help us at all. People lose empathy for you when you are around 10 yrs old, and after that, any thought of “choosing the right love” for the right consequences, go out the window. Women often feel childlike to men, because women still have this sense that they remember having back when they were kids that they lost long before. So when men look at love and intimacy with women, what they see is “The finish line”. A return home. Being welcomed back into the only place that made life worth living. And to get in that place we do anything women say will get us in. Obviously todays era of women are giving tremendously confusing mixed signals but in the past, that always meant be courageous to die for me. Be wealthy enough to take care of me. Be wise enough to lead me. Be smart enough to negotiate our needs from the world on my behalf. And for nothing but the love of his wife & the production of kids, a man would do it. If a man was a woman, he would not put himself in harms way, alone for another woman. You don’t hear of the countless women who put their lives on the line for the men they love. But for men it’s normal. Because we just love women. I guarantee that for men, if women didn’t exist, we would not have society or civilization. This is truly a dead world for us. We would not create beautiful things. We would not invent things that make life easier. All of society has been driven by men doing things and working on things that he feels will get him enough recognition and leverage in the world to provide a life for himself that could afford him a wife, a woman who can love him all to himself. If he couldn’t get a woman, he likely just wouldn’t go to work. Wouldn’t invent, wouldn’t fight the war, wouldn’t work the sewage, wouldn’t climb the skyscrapers, wouldn’t cross the oceans, wouldn’t learn the arts. Nothing. We’d all just sit around in peace OR fight. Because it’s literally the cheapest way to exist in a world where you are destined to die. And that’s the main thing men care about. Women are the luxury “item” of near infinite value, that make the most uncomfortable efforts worth it. That makes keeping society alive worth it. For some, they look at her, this luxury item as an object. For others they look at her like an angelic human being. But the undeniable thing is her inherent value. And the chaos that women see men cause in regard to safety is only a result of: A. an awareness that in comparison to Death, even the worst treated person is fine (bc this is men’s standard for safety. Women’s are far higher) B. They aren’t women & so they do not register particular dangers the way a woman would C. They are urgently trying to get what they want and need Before something more powerful than him kills him (men are always weaker than god/reality & hence why they expect death) D. They are jaded about ever having the love that makes their suffering worth it, and “burns the village to feel it’s warmth” But it’s never because they don’t care about women. Their worst behavior comes when They hunger too greatly for them, if anything. Many men wish they could do away with the joy and fulfillment that comes from a woman’s love or the way he feels accepted when he’s inside a woman. But they are the ultimate validation for him that he is doing something right for someone else, other than himself. Every other action, he feels is under constant scrutiny of God, the bringing of death to those who are unwise in action.

@@nigelharvey640I’m going to read this a few times to try and understand. Thank you for taking the time to explain

@@nigelharvey640 What an insightful and well articulated comment. It certainly explains why men tend to be quite nihilistic in their approach to life, esp if they don't have - or see little prospect of ever having - a wife and family.

@@nigelharvey640 Thank you for sharing your perspective in such great detail. That certainly would explain why so many young men have become hopeless and unproductive in the modern world, because they believe they have no hope of finding a girlfriend/wife. I hope you find that woman who loves you and accepts you completely. That is certainly what I want to offer to my man and I feel there is no greater gift a woman can offer :)

Some women will reject 99% of men and go straight for a Narcist. Get a good lawyer. Learn about why people attract Narcs. Narcs play a win/lose game, and they don't play fair. I actually tend to go straight for BP girls, which is just as bad, or worse. The facade of a personality problem is a mask. You are attracted to a mask, which is designed to make you lose. A normal guy doesn't need a bribe to see his children. That's not a red flag, it's a biohazard nuclear waste sign.

Sounds like a bum. But you chose him and chose to sleep with him without being married first. That’s a choice you made and it comes with risks. …..equal blame and accountability to go around.

Well, why did you open your legs to this man ? ... you made the choice of having sex with him, without birth control or properly investigating his attachments... you must face the consequences of your choice. Grow up.

@@jim2386 YES! 🙌🏼

@Der Grüpfer define whore in this context?

That's such a good question! If anyone has an answer to that, let us know 🥲

What I do is explain to a man what I need to feel safe and open to sexual exchange. If he cares about you, he will make an effort to give you what you need. If not, then you can ask yourself if this man is worth investing in...