It's easy to be a nice, compliant guy. It's also easy to be a jerk and never learn how to be persuasive to those you disagree with. To be a man of both persuasion and conviction is a lifelong pursuit.
Hearing this was like a punch to the gut, and a kick to the balls for me. I don't have all the "Nice Guy" attributes, but enough that I need to make a serious change. Thanks for making this video John.
You have one great thing going for you. Your humble. That's a character trait that is becoming elusive. Like you I find it hard to have balance. It seems I continue to be too much one way or another. I think I think I could really learn to be a decent man in two lifetimes.
I totally agree an try to live my life accordingly: "The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything"- Albert Einstein
At work last month, I dressed down a construction foreman who was being a bully" My boss said she didn't understand this and called me a nice guy... I told her no, I'm a good guy and that I addressed an issue that was long over due to be addressed. I told her I'm always polite and courteous, but not at the risk of not speaking the truth.
I had 2 buddies who swore they would never get the jab at work. I held out they folded at the last minute, and a short time later, it was all dropped .I lost a lot of respect for them. What else would they cow tow too ??
You're spot on John. I'm a recovering nice guy and recognize many of these traits in myself. You, John Cooper, and Doug Wilson have been helpful in getting me to start becoming a courageous man.
Yeah, I had this exact realization about myself. As a young man raised with two older, liberal sisters- it took me through my military career about half way, until I realized that sometimes you have to be hard in social situations.
Man that’s the truth. I believed in tolerance so strongly for a while. And then I figured out it’s just another way, 99% of the time, for someone to say they don’t care without having to admit they don’t care. The 1% of the time it’s sincere, I even more so admire it. But I notice that 1% of the tolerant people who genuinely are tolerant, it’s people who also don’t hesitate to admit to themselves and others when they don’t care. And people notice them for the not caring, and never recognize that they are being tolerant when they are. People love hypocrisy except when other people do it.
There is a meme going around that talks about the difference between a gentleman and a harmless man. The meme points out that being incapable of harm does NOT make someone gentle. Instead, we have to acknowledge we are capable of violence yet be willing to restrain that violence to be considered a true "gentleman".
Exactly, a mouse is not gentle, because it is incapable of great violence. A grizzly bear however, can be gentle, because it is capable of violence. That is how a man should be, that's the whole point of being a "gentleman".
Nick Freitas talked about that. A nice guy is a weak man. A GOOD man is gentle by choice, capable of great violence when needed, and wise enough to know when that is.
Not always. Maybe a man can't defend and cause violence because he spent a lifetime against violence. Looking at what the New Testament says about violence goes very much against our just war and other narratives. I know that is controversial, but most of us will make the Word say whatever we want to prove our point.
@crystalbuck6525 And that's one of the best explanations of it. "Capable of great violence when needed..." And sometimes it's needed. Reminds me of John's interview with that guy in TX a few years ago, who, when he heard gunfire in a church across the street, grabbed his rifle, headed across that street into the churchyard, encountered that mass shooter leaving and shot him. What was doubly tragic about that whole incident was that there were no armed sheepdogs in that congregation to protect the flock. All the men, no, strike that, biological males(but not actual men)there were a bunch of nice guys. It took an actual real man to put down the evil evildoer.
@@GreatWhite7 even if that was the case in general, the principle conveyed here is still valid. A formidable force for good is only going to come from someone who also possesses a formidable potential for evil. Weak individuals arent capable of much either way.
1st husband, not proud of this but spot on. When I left him everyone said “he’s such a nice guy” so often that today it still sets my teeth on edge. Every statement you made is so true, even 25 years later, it helped hearing this
absolutley! have tou ever heard congressional debates? they akways refer to each other as 'my friend congressman so- and so' regardless of how much they can't stand each other.
Yes, that's a shame! I believe it's an evil spiritual mess that is taking over. We as believers need to really know The Word of God, follow as best we can and pray to stay on His path. Where God in the Bible says to do something, do it. Where He says not to do something, don't do it! He and His Word is the same " yesterday, today, and forever" !!!
My mother raised me to be a kind person. Being “nice” tends to be for shallow gain. Not everyone deserves kindness and that’s what every man needs to learn.
Amen. I will often appear to be a nice guy and conformist. Think of it like a grey man tactic. Be invisible, look non threatening. The whole time you are measuring people and the environment. Someone once told me in a crowd, look past the extroverts, tattoos and loudmouths. Beware the guy in the quiet, smiling guy in the corner, who looks weak and easy. Very often he's the most dangerous one in the room.
@@craighaller4002 I attempt to be the grey man, but I'm 6'2"/225. I've even gone so far as driving a boring old-man car with no distinguishing markings.
It's incredible how scared people are of taking responsibility for their own actions. So many in my life I've stood up and said I was wrong, I messed up, and it's been met with nothing but appreciation for being honest. There might be disappointment with the mistake and the consequences, but being trustworthy and accountable is far more appreciated.
@@nathankleber9150 I agree it’s uncommon to see folks willing to admit their mistakes. We normal folks don’t like to be wrong but will admit our mistakes so we can fix our mistakes. When we are willing to move on and fix our problems we can live good lives. The alternative is to be one of the millions of folks living life with anger and frustration. You spend to much time unhappy in the alternative life choices. Bravo sir perfect observation.
I'm not a "nice guy" anymore, I've learned to be "nice" with the ability to still be capable of leading my crew with a stern authority. I was thrown into a lead position at my company and was forced to be "the man"! And learning from you and Mark Driscoll how to "Act Like A Man". Thank you from the bottom of my heart for teaching me and many men how to be a Warrior Poet! You have single completely changed my life. God Bless you Sir! ❤️💪🙏
I feel like I’m listening to a sermon here! I’ve had to stand up for truth, seemingly alone, for years. I believe in being kind but not withholding the truth from others, even if it hurts them. This road has been difficult. I’ve chased women away, friends away, and probably had tons of other people trash talk me behind my back. I still find myself asking, “Am I in any part this guy John is talking about?!” I grew up in the south so I believe in being kind. People have said “You’re too nice.” I also have NO problem with being a dangerous man. I learned some martial arts when I was younger and learned how to handle myself better in a fight. But I’ve never gone looking for one. Another problem I see too often in the south is fake niceness too. Nevertheless, we men all need to look in the mirror and root out that weakness, including myself if I’m getting complacent! Great video! I think people are confused about what niceness vs. true kindness is. I’ve been called all sorts of names, nice being one of them. The real question is, is there an agenda tied to being nice? If you’re being nice to someone in that moment because you believe it’s the right thing to do, you’re being kind.
sort of like when people are being fake where they smile at you and act all friendly and talk to you with their teeth clenched at the same time & whenever they look away from you theyre scowling then when they look back at you they smile again? Edit: cartoon example: Hazbin Hotel episode 4 when Valentino would look angrily at Angel but is smiling being nice, friendly, & polite to Charlie talking through his teeth. ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-5H2OzIQEez0.htmlsi=PZpnr9ZfodLdOKWR
I think the word "nice" has been so overused, that it has become meaningless. There is nothing wrong with being agreeable, amicable, polite, respectful, humble, kind, peaceful, thoughtful, etc. Not everyone has to be a leader. There is nothing wrong with serving others. Christ taught us that the greatest among us is the one who will be a servant.
I had ALOT of nice guys that fit this description perfectly at the church I recently left. Nothing gets accomplished, and corrections are never made. They will wait for the problem to either go away or for people to stop complaining about it. When you eventually make the correction, they will be upset with you. It eventually allows sin into the church.
John, thank you Sir. I am battling with this so much right now in my life. I have for the first time in my life truly found God in my life. In turn I find myself dealing with this everyday wanting to be nice and liked so I feel like I am living right. It has felt fake at times, and I didn't like it but understanding nothing good will come from it I had to let it go and move on. I am only @2:11 but I can already tell God has led me to this video. Thank you, brother and glory to God always.
My friend started a men’s group called Rise Undaunted which specifically addresses Nice Guy Syndrome and helps guys become true masculine Men. Excellent and important message.
@@GarrettFemister it’s not an mlm but there is an incentive for recruiting if you want to. I don’t. You don’t have to pay to participate. I don’t either. The founder is LDS, but the group is not affiliated with any church.
I’m not triggered by this, so much as I am convicted by it. Definitely at least a couple of things here that I identify with. This is a good one. God bless bro.
100% accurate… and the women whom go for the “nice guy” are narcissistic, they can manipulate the “nice guy” as they both use each other to pursue their own excessive self-interest.
Correct. I used to be like this and had to force my self to change. Now I see my brother going down this path and the people he associates with use him because of it, so he is basically a doormat for everyone. We are trying to get him out of it
This is somewhat true. Sometimes one can often appear to be a nice guy and conformist. Be invisible, look non threatening. The whole time measuring people and the environment. Someone once told me in a crowd, look past the extroverts, tattoos and loudmouths. Beware the quiet guy, smiling guy in the corner, who looks weak and easy. Very often he's the most dangerous one in the room if he's cornered and got nothing to lose.
The most dangerous person in the room is the one with the ability and _motivation_ . That skinny young man with glasses who got bullied when he was a kid, that old man with a cane and a wife, the person in a wheelchair.... yeah, they are potentially well armed, able, and motivated.
It's not an extrovert/introvert thing. John has made a few video's about 'the most dangerous guy in the room' that your post could actually be an intro for.
Holy crap!!! I work with a guy EXACTLY like this. You hit every nail on the head! This guy's left his religion, got left by his wife, his teenage daughters don't listen to him and actively avoid him at times, he believes in a socialist paradise, he runs from conflict, he's turned on people, he's a yes-man, etc. I'm in my car right now, laughing so hard that I can barely breathe! I'm already picking co-workers to send this to!
Former nice guy here. John youbare hitting the nail on the head. I can tell you from experience that you can change for the better. It is difficult, but it means a lot of self-reflection is needed and drop your friggin ego. Nice guys are toxic. I used to be very toxic and didn't even know it. I still have some issues I am working on, but things are getting better. Do better, and your life will get better
@@StinkyGringo Is that all you do is go from comment to comment gas lighting? Only thing worse than a nice guy, is a douche who likes to leave keyboard warrior messages all over peoples comments of a video, knowing good and well they wouldnt say it to their face. Run along and comment on the next one. I think id rather be a nice guy than a keyboard warrior.
I love the call to action and encouragement to do something about it at the end - better yourself, better the community, better the next generation. Keep Fighting the Good Fight
This hits home. I don't like conflict, but I've always addressed the really important conflict, especially when it comes to the defense of others. But, I desperately want to get more self confident- it's something that I pray for often. I've had moments since I've been married where I DID act when the situation called for it - and I'm thankful that I had the courage to act then. I just want the courage to say the truth in a loving way before it gets to a situation where you HAVE to act. I don't want to turn every opportunity into a hill to die on, but I definitely don't want to self censor either. Please pray for my courage.
In my experience, a nice guy is actually prone to saying sorry because he will commit emotional hijacking as a way of disguising his cowardice. "I'm sorry, I was wrong on this small issue, and because I'm so humble and willing to admit my flaws, it would be cruel to correct me on bigger issues". Nice guys gas light because no one can truly avoid conflict in life, so they choose that path instead of direct conflict.
A lot of this applies to me sadly, randomly came across this thank you. The being a leech is very true. I have calcutivley taken advantage of things to benefit me the most, I still have morals but give some of them up at times. Im working on it. Going to the gym and need to get a job, lots of self hate since I had an injury the military and I need to get my health back. My wife has paid the price the most. Thank you sir. I avoid confrontation and haven't stepped in to do the right thing in the moment. I saw one kid when I was young get followed by a large group of young adults like a gang and did nothing, I saw one kid get bullied for money did nothing, one kids brother wanted to fight me because my ex which was with his brother started to text me, in that situation I justified not fighting because she wasn't worth it. I'm not really risk adverse and need to work on that. I enjoy stability, whats easiest, guaranteed with little risk and least amount of effort, probably why I joined the army. A lot of it hurt especially the drifting through life...squandering life, at 24 that hurt my soul and is something I've thought about. Thank you again sir I don't know who you are but im subscribed. I will start to be more of a leader with my wife although I have seen it toxic to not take her input into account which I've done in the past. IE making her have a relationship with her psychotic mother, I now trust her intuition. Be a leader and take risk, thank you.
Excellent take. I grew up as a nice guy. Just over 40 years ago, at the young age of 23, I went to Marine Corps boot camp. Life has never been the same since. Nice guys are weak men. Weak men create hard times. Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. Guess where in the cycle we are!
@FreeBirdVince never give up on yourself, on your team, and you'll do well. Quite the adventure you're embarking on, your service will be appreciated, thank you for taking the oath. Hey, don't drink too much off duty, a LOT of problems stem from just that one seemingly little act. I mean yeah drink, get wasted sometimes, just don't make it your go-to. Stay true to yourself, once you find him in the hardest days. Keep your head down in boot camp, do what you're told, do it fast but do it as well as you can.
I think you clarified my internal frustration with organized religion, with your remark on “your church is dead if it’s filled with nice guys”. I have felt like I was in the wrong crowd many times based on the way people behaved to the needs of the community vs the role of the church. This isn’t to say that representation is true of all organized religion, but unfortunately, represents many of the churches people attend. God is not for us to follow as sheep and cowards. The right thing to do, may in fact, be something your church won’t support. In those times it’s better to follow god than the church.
I would encourage you to still find a church full of good men to go through life with, rather than rejecting the church. No man is an island. I’m in a church with the opposite of nice guys, and that collective is doing things that are making massive impacts in our city.
I know what you are talking about. I struggle with it too. I'm a Mormon, and I think the nice guy syndrome is plaguing our church. People generally consider Mormons conservative/traditional, but I believe all the nice guys are creating confusion about our message and what we stand for. A lot of people don't really know what Mormons stand for anymore. That used to not be the case. Even though people hated us for our beliefs, at least we made them clear and stood by them. The criticism made us better Mormons. Those days are a memory. But, instead of giving up, I'm one of the holdouts that believes in the Warrior Poet way. I don't play nice guy. Sometimes people gasp at what I say. But, they like my sincerity. I don't think I make a big difference, but I do think I make a small difference with the small circle of influence I have. If nothing else, I hope to pass it along to my sons, and that my daughters will value the Warrior Poet way in men. Half of my kids are teenagers and it seems like they are learning the ways of their old man, and rejecting the nice guy syndrome. I basically associate myself more with my Warrior Poet mentality than I do with my particular "brand of church" at this point. I agree with your statement that it's better to obey God instead of the church. I have done that many times over the past few years, and so far, God has always backed me up. I encourage you to do it where you can.
@@mnt809 My favorite complement I have received in the past five years is being told I am authentic. In that one word, I felt proud and emboldened to continue presenting myself as a man, unafraid. I appreciate your comment and your authenticity to stand for the right things over the crowd. Regardless of what name your faith carries, people need others to represent the strength and compassion of a higher purpose. Stand tall and lend an insightful ear to all that need guidance. Good men, like yourself, will save us from tyrants lurking in our communities.
@@connormcalister5765 You are not wrong. It be of the most common things I hear these days is that men have no friends. Good organizations are a great way to combat that theory. They also provide a place for important messages to be heard. I was told recently, that I am an authentic soul. It’s my favorite complement I have received because it not only empowered me to stand tall in my convictions, but it also gave room for me to be received by the community around me on a true level. I am happy you have found a fellowship that aligns with your authenticity. Stand tall in your community and lend solid guidance to “right and wrong” wherever you see fit. As for me , I will continue without a church until I am drawn in by authentic people. People that understand that compassion is the second biggest strength/burden we must carry in order to secure the role of leaders in our community. I hope you continue to be authentic to yourself and provide that strong outward guidance to your fellowship and community at large. Our world needs it in every way.
You and many others mistake justified force with violence. Violence is using force to violate another, and it is unjustified. Justified force is simply force.
I’m sorry but I disagree. You’re just playing on words. Force is violent. Weather justified in protecting or used in a criminal behavior. It becomes force on force. Good vs evil. But I think I understand where your coming from.
Some solid useful and generally correct insights John! I had to go back and re-listed while taking some notes when a thought occurred to me halfway through point #3. 1) Say Hard Things 2) Lead/Take Risks 3) Take Responsibility 4) Protect 5) Keep the Faith These are equally the failings of toxic women. Solid points all the way through, and I think you're right we all at least occasionally fail to do these things at some level and it's a good list to consider when planning out our paths to self improvement. Work Hard, Pray Hard, Play Hard.
Incredible video. I agree with everything you said. I spent my first 25 years being a nice guy 100%, being a LEO showed me to stop in my professional life but I still did it in my personal life especially with dating. At 29 something changed and I fully committed to being a strong man. Changed my life and it is my mission to show others. Hard to do though.
Grandad said be strong enough to be gentle. You can't just cultivate strength or exercise tenderness alone. You lose sight of things like your boundaries and might not tell someone the hard truth because it will hurt a lot.
This is what every man needs to hear. I have been wondering why I feel bad about failure to act, because I mis understood what being a “good man” actually is. To sum up this video I would say this is what the phrase “nice guys finish last,” means. Thank you and God bless. Your children are lucky to have you as a father who puts The Father before himself.
i know weaklings like this! the weak men that create hard times! they love to proclaim themselves to be "down the middle" but they only have the courage to give opinions that the crowd they approve of will applaud!!! Epic video!
I’ve been guilty of not watching this channel that much here lately, but I’m really glad there’s someone that’s not afraid of bringing out the word of God. Thanks John. Great video. Excellent.
Maybe educate yourself on history ( read books written in the time, not written recently about the historical time) instead of reverting to the Bible for “truth”.
The origin of "nice" is "nescio." It's Latin for "I don't know." The idea is that a "nice" guy will flip flop on every issue they're confronted with, have no firm opinion of their own, and will therefore ride the fence in every circumstance to the point where they can't stand up for anything, even the things that matter. Speaks pretty well to what John's saying.
John, as a recovering "Nice Guy", I really appreciate your commitment to telling the hard truths and waking people up. Thank you for the reminder and encouragement. I have to remember to wake up every day and fight my cowardice, and my need to for approval so that I can fight the good fight, stay true to my my obedience in Jesus Christ, and to be willing to take risks so that my current and future family is taken care of.
100% Agree. Tangentially, a lot of guys think they are protectors simply b/c their hobby happens to be firearms / training. A lot of men in this community, myself included at times, have prioritized a fantasized battle that we may never face (such as a home invasion / bugout / etc.) over REAL fights that we ignore every day (fighting chores with our wives, fighting our own sin and selfishness, praying for our families, etc.). I think a lot of guys think they are on the right path because they are monsters on the range when in fact they are passive when it comes to what really counts.
20 year old Australian here. I was arrested multiple times at freedom rallies in Victoria during the tyrannical lock downs we had here as a 17 year old at the time. I am still not satisfied that i have done enough and struggle with feelings of insecurity around my masculinity despite being unafraid to speak my mind. I think this video brought into light how i have a lot of energy towards the freedom agenda but for a while have been unwilling to actualize it in terms of leadership.
Dalton: If somebody gets in your face and calls you a cocksucker, I want you to be nice. Ask him to walk. Be nice. If he won't walk, walk him. But be nice. If you can't walk him, one of the others will help you, and you'll both be nice. I want you to remember that it's a job. It's nothing personal. Steve: Being called a cocksucker isn't personal? Dalton: No. It's two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response. Steve: What if somebody calls my mama a whore? Dalton: Is she?
Love it. I call the young guys out at work all the time. Mostly in their early 20's. I'll talk about hard subjects. Push them to examine themselves. Then explain that we should always be pushing each other to be our best. A friend of mine uses the phrase. "Past self, taking care of future self." Often in life you get out what you put in so do the work.
We all should listen to things that are hard to listen to. If all we ever hear is the things we want to hear, we never feel like we have to grow as a person. Thank you for the Hard Listen.
Goodness John this is a whole sermon. The last point about nice guys is something that hits home for me. I see this in my church so much. The people there try to walk a tightrope of being acceptable socially without outright compromising biblical principle, but push come to shove they just collapse. We need so many strong me. Men who dont bend and compromise but who hold fast under pressure. Sadly they seem rare. Im really tempted to send this to my pastor as a challenge.
We certainly do need to use these traits as a guide when selecting which pastor we choose to follow. If our current pastor doesn't have the traits of a true leader, then we need to find ways to grow his character. Sadly many will refuse to grow due to their own insecurities, in which case, we need to move on.
I heard something years ago and it always stuck with me. A friend will tell you what you want to here. But a real friend/best friend will tell you what you need to hear. I was taught as a child. You can be nice and still stand on what you believe. Be kind to everyone be respectful to everyone. But never compromise your honor and dignity. Just because someone don't like it. I also agree with difference of a "Nice Guy". Nice guy who wants to be nice because their afraid to offend someone. So they comply to get everyone to like them. And the Nice Guy who is kind and gentle but has the ability for violence. Not to be a bully or over bearing. But to protect those they love and cherish.
I love it. I was at a church that was a pacifist. As a law enforcement officer and swat officer I truly believe that every person has to have a capability for violence in certain situations. But violence without control is dangerous as well. But being a "Nice Guy" is an even bigger threat. Well done and well said.,
So true, there is only a line crossed. That is where the Lion comes out, and all bets are off. I bite my tongue only when applicable, otherwise I have no filter 😊
The saying is “never confuse MY kindness for weakness””. If someone just went around judging kindness as weakness they would be right a lot of the time.
The term "nice guy" may throw some folks off track, Ann Gunther said it well, "I see "nice" as being what "kind" looks like, Kindness comes from love" I would say "kindness" comes from strength as well. And she is correct, "nice is just a shell". You are spot on with this, can't argue a single point you've made.
Spot on. Seen the side of trying to be nice to someone who really wants to take advantage. Learned to be friendly but aggressive. Been through some battles not as nice until I know people better
My late husband wanted our kids to like him so he left the discipline up to me. The kids loved him but I was being sabotaged. He was also a coward in many other ways. Even though he suffered with cancer for over 5 years, he would not talk about death due to fear. I was left with little information and guidance but I was relieved when he finally died.
I'm ashamed to say this, but at nearly 30 years old, I've had to learn the hard way, and there is a difference between niceness and kindness. Kindness still contains humility, compassion, love, understanding, patience, and tenderness, but niceness is essentially naivety. If one is nice, they are willing to be naive in order to evade confrontation, but when you are kind, when dealing with confrontation, you take the high road, you keep a cool head, as long as it doesn't get physical, then yeah, take up self defense, but you discuss, not argue. Arguing determines who is right, that is, ego, but discussing determines WHAT is right, that is true knowledge and wisdom. That's what the kind guy does. Also, I've had to learn this, and I have a quote for this as well, just because the word ass is in assertive, that doesn't mean you have to be one, so in short, the kind guy is assertive but at the same time humble and patient about it, he's not a jerk. Also, pardon my language with my quote, but I am just being honest.
Truthfully your right and your words have been used in much edification to us men that myself included that needs room for improvement. I always say if your not constantly working on improving yourself than yourself will fall behind
I am blessed to be part of a church filled with the exact opposite of “Nice Guy” as you define here, and you will find some of the most kind and gentle husbands, fathers, and protectors you will ever meet.
John, you’re such a class act man. Way to walk what you preach. You gave some unpopular truths, stood your ground on saying it and why you’re saying it, and then even give a call to action and a pathway for betterment for those who are perhaps “programmed” to be a nice guy. Uncomfortable truth->stand for your beliefs as opposed to chasing being liked->demonstrated actual kindness by trying to help lift up others John is certified not a nice guy (possibly a real jerk, need to meet in person to verify!)
I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying. I have been cast out of what used to be my tribe because I stand for the truth according to the bible instead of the “truth” according to man. But I will stand and persevere. I love what you are doing John and I am grateful that I have access to someone like you. A warrior and a pastor! Please keep up the good work my brother! 💪🛡⚔️
I've met too many "nice guys" They often flock to me, then slowly become friend to "family," and once they get inside, try to get me to "lighten up" and or quit and "relax" be more soft and have less "hard talks"... while VERY few become brothers and embrace the hard talks and BETTER eachother/ourselves.
I had this same conversation yesterday: I have many family members who prioritize the biblical notion of being peacekeepers above standing firm on moral principles and clearly telling others what is right/wrong.
This is my father in law. I often have told my wife that her dad is a nice guy, but not the type of guy I can hang out with for very long. This episode fits him to a tee.
I love this. You are right on point about all of this. My husband is NOT a nice guy (as described in this video). I have 2 sons and we have raised them not to be “nice”
Thank you! This totally reinforces my argument that the greatest sin of our age is Vanity! Vainity... "Worrying more about what man thinks of you than what God thinks of you"
On a serious note, My mother, the greatest person to ever walk this earth, raised me to be a pacifist. She would get very angry with me if I got in a fight as a kid. She said any problem can be worked out with communication. For the most part, she is correct. I have never been in a fight that was worth the fight not that I have been in that many. That being said, she was very proud of me when I enlisted in the Army. While she did not like me fighting, she liked me defending. She is who taught me the difference.
I see what you are saying, and thank you for your service, BTW (*I am also a US Army veteran) ;but if she was okay with you "defending" (*physically, that is, which occasionally requires violence to do so) then she is not a complete pacifist; complete pacifists believe (*or claim to believe) that literally every single form of violence towards/against another human being, in all situations, is unjustified.
I was raised in a similar fashion. Only my parent's admonition was that I was never to start a fight, but I'd better be ready to end it. So I never got into fights, walked away from several of them. Got labeled a coward, particularly since I wasn't allowed to play football either, took a long time to prove otherwise, elementary and Jr. Hi were not fun times.
