BPD - The Silent Treatment & The Quiet Borderline 

Thank you for putting this in perspective. I was in a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath who used to do this to me, clearly as punishment. I'm currently dealing with a number of BPD people in my personal relationships and family, and I get so triggered by the "silent treatment". To me, it's so toxic, unhealthy, and bothersome. At least to me. I can appreciate that this is not punitive for a borderline, but I can deal with it no longer. As much as I want to be understanding, it sends me into a tailspin and I shut down. My reaction has been to shut them out and go no contact. Perhaps it's extreme. But I've been damaged enough, and even though I understand it, it's a dealbreaker. And unfortunately this has perhaps been the most upsetting borderline behavior to me because I am extremely communicative by nature and I can't stand conflict. It feels like a cold war, and puts me in a situation of feeling helpless because I'm in pain and there's nothing I can do about it except to shut them out. Unfortunately it's left me pretty alone. But this kind of passive-aggressive, constantly walking on eggshells is exhausting and I feel like it's eroded my confidence and dignity to the point where if I don't block it out it'll absolutely destroy me. Am I being overly defensive, or is there a better way I could deal with it? I feel like I've tried, but when it's constant and cyclical, and the other person won't even acknowledge or do anything about it. I'm not sure if it's something that's worth enduring.

@@misse7154 You are welcome, hope it is helpful. I am sorry to hear all you are and have been dealing with and very hurt by. For some with BPD or BPD/NPD or the Narcissists who give silent treatment it can absolutely be punishment, I was making a point that it isn't always. But, again, remember, you know best what your experience is. To be succinct here with empathy, you hit the nail on the head, when you said, "it's a deal breaker" YES! That's a healthy response. And, "not worth enduring" - nothing that one has to "endure" is healthy or worth it. From what you shared you may have codependency and you have been very hurt. Are you too defensive? I don't think so. It sounds like you are defensive, yes, but that learning more about yourself and learning to implement more boundaries will help you. And, with that, I don't mean, help you be around the borderlines etc, no - help you to keep growing forward to have healthier people in your life.

@@survivingBPDbreakup Thanks. I think your observations are spot on. As someone with CPTSD I have compassion and empathy for borderlines. I also deal with trauma, dissociation, and emotional disregulation. But I can't let their lack of comporting themselves in a mature, adult way deteriorate my already fragile state. I don't have much compassion for narcissists because they don't care. But I think borderlines do. Unlike narcissists, they suffer from being very sensitive, and I can relate to that. But there's a point where we all have to act like grown ups. Growing up with a borderline mother, I always feel like I was emotionally parentified, and I constantly tell her to put her "big girl panties on". Which at 70, isn't probably very nice. But I feel like it's not OK for me to have outbursts and temper-tantrums like a 5 year-old. So why should I accept it from her?

You are absolutely magnificent, so they are pushing more than pulling. They might push as they have been pushed during their childhood as a sort of revenge. Am I right?! 🤔

Honestly you have so much wisdom. This is the reality check partners of pwBPD need.

But they learn as adults that the silent treatment is quite effective at hurting loved ones and getting their way. so m, while I understand that BPD regresses back to a childhood state of mind... so there’s a good science behind the silent treatment ok.... there still a component of manipulation and punishment that BPD learns to use as a weapon during conflict... my bpd guy (not living together) did this fairly frequently. he would say “this conversation has ended” and I would reply “until when...?” And he would answer “until I say so”... so the last time he did that i said “ I think we BOTH need to take a communication time out for a couple of days to decide what we want in this conflict... then he was quick to reply. “No” sorry but im learning that bpd needs boundaries and consequences like a child does when the act out childishly

Exactly. They want to be able to call the shots. But if you say that you need to take a break for a few hours, days, a week, etc they say absolutely not.

There is absolutely zero chance of secure attachment by Codependents or with anyone with BPD. Silent treatment does erode trust. Without healthy self-trust there isn’t any trust for “other”. To varying degrees, people with Codependency lack self trust and people with BPD have zero self-trust or trust for anyone else. People with BPD do not know how (emotionally) to take personal responsibility. These are trauma bonds and no one should stay in an abusive relationship.

Your description sounds very much like quiet BPD and not NPD traits. People with untreated BPD do not have the emotional maturity or emotional intelligence to have the reparative conversations that would see them take personal accountability and/or personal responsibility. You can explain your experience to her o et and over again but you will not get the honest reciprocation that you desire, want and need. The relationships outside described is not mutual or healthy. You are not going to be able to educate her or change her.

Appreciate your honesty

TO95 I hear you! Not every one does, at all. Many, like yourself, with BPD internalize so much and do shutdown and get into very painful places and get into a freeze response (from the past) where you can't express yourself. I hope you are in therapy, and continue to get help with this. It really wouldn't be honest or helpful for you or anyone else if you were acting like you were okay when you are not. What is key there, for you, is to learn, in therapy how to feel much better and feel okay. Take care of yourself.

They are natural liars! Move on because they will never change!!!

Glad it was helpful.

Yes. And rather than, as many do, remain victims and recycle the relationship it’s healthiest to go no contact and not remain a victim.

​@bpdbreakupcodependencyrecovery thanks for this reminder

The silent treatment is extremely cruel, especially when a child is the recipient (as I was). My learning and gaining understanding about this condition came after my parent passed on years back. It is a very sad state for everyone involved and I resolved to never do this to my own children. A.J. gave another great video.

Dimitrios Gazis Good for you! Taking care of yourself. Be well.

@@lizryan6289 It sure is. I can relate, I got that as a child too. I empathize with you. The silent treatment, generally, but especially for children is so wounding, beyond painful and leaves a legacy of healing all that pain and confusion and feeling, as we often do as children, that it was us or our fault when we know that was not the case. Hope you are doing well.

@@RippleDrop. Enabling is not psychopathology

Stormy Knight Thanks re my dog and your kind words. Having just a week ago to euthanize my beloved Lucy. I love them so much and feel so blessed to share my life with them while they are here. They age too quickly and have to go way too soon.

I haven't done anything noticable neither, but my partner gets easily triggerd if he only thinks I could have meant/ done something or spoke to someone else when he wanted attention. E.g. yesterday, I was on the phone with a friend. He called me 3 times but I didn't want to interrupt my talk. Finally I asked my friend to wait for my call back. I called him, I told him i'm speaking with my friend. He just said "oh my god, bye then". When I called him back later his number was blocked and he hasn't responded to any text messages even a day after. I saw he was online when I called via WhatsApp. Now we're back in kindergarten. Did something happen? No. But he made it happen. Like a magician. I try not to be bothered, but it still hurts a lot and disrupts my inner peace. Anything normal can be wrong in their eyes, it is a worst case mentality.

Glad it was helpful!

Generally, yes. However not all people with quiet BPD are the same. People with BPD, a high percentage but not all even who are not quiet borderlines will also ignore or rage at efforts to communicate, cut off contact, ghost and/or blocked when triggered.

Glad it was helpful! It is so painful. Get into therapy it will help you to move forward.

That’s a relationship deal-breaker.

Thank you so much for your videos. They help people to understand

I was wondering: the solution to get out of this silent treatment is not to consider this as a punishment but just try to observe it? If we observe it, maybe the BPD will perceive it as a control losing and will stop the silent treatment? I’m afraid he will feel it as a new abandonment...it’s true maybe it’s just my perception. But I mean if you care ...if you really care and you know that your loved one cannot take responsability for what is doing...should not be right to manage the situation? And try in a lovely way to catch his attention and say : “ Honey I can’t fix you, you need help. I mean...when you’ve got the flue or you fill Ill you go to the doctor. Why don’t you try to change for yourself? Just to discover you who are?” I don’t know something like that ...but if it’s all about cycle and control ...our love is all give away? How can I get his attention back just to teach him to see the situation from outside?... I Know it’s complicated. Thank you so much for your videos. You’re doing a lot.

@Arozo Parvanta I reply and talk about this in a this video - ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-6Y78vwtrxNQ.html “Codependent’s Pain After a Borderline or Narcissist”

+Mary Kay You are very welcome and thank you for your very kind words!

This Guy I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s so painful. Trust how you are feeling and work through it in therapy. Sounds like you BPD “ex?” is blaming you vs taking her own responsibility. How you feel punished and unloved are signs you would be best off not to resume contact if she does in 2-3 weeks. To do so, will mean more pain for you and she is blaming you for her own triggers it sounds like. That’s not responsible of her.

barry144 I’ll have a video coming on this soon. Silent treatment is abuse.

Mortimer Toynbee This is possible but the cost to loved ones is very high, emotionally and in other ways. Being sympathetic is kind and yet it won't help someone with BPD. For many with BPD, the more kind and understanding you are, the more they distrust that. Not taking anything from a person with BPD personally is healthy and wise. However, remember it is no one's responsibility or job to "make them feel better". Then you say, "Just don't enter an actual relationship with them unless they recover from BPD - this would be my point entirely and even friendship or being the favorite person is putting oneself in harms way. Whether people with BPD know what they are doing, how they hurt others or not (consciously or not) they still have responsibility.

@@survivingBPDbreakup beautifully said

cinnabunnyy It’s a very positive that you are aware of that. It might be helpful in therapy to work in your boundaries and assertiveness skills. While it matters that we all try it to hurt the feelings of others, it is very important for everyone and those with quiet BPD to be responsible for our own feelings vs others or trying to protect others’ feelings. When those w/quiet BPD are trying not to hurt others feelings there can often be other consequences Visa vis how others end up feeling. You also deserve to voice your feelings and learning how to that effectively is very helpful whether one has BPD or not.

@@RippleDrop. “Love them from afar” Really? That not a healthy solution from which to move forward. Loving an abuser in any way is not going to help anyone’s healing.

Thanks for listening

@@survivingBPDbreakup 🙏💙🥰

It’s more a developed defence mechanism than a “learned behaviour” It the quiet Borderline’s turning in on “self” it is a control mechanism of first trying to manage BPD internal pain and chaos. It is not always purposefully to hurt anyone else even though when a quiet BPD pulls inward it is experienced as the silent treatment by most close to them. They are trying to control themselves actually - not others. For some the silent treatment will be used more manipulatively than others. If a person with BPD does this to get their own way (not for every pw/BPD) each person (usually with Codependency) needs to understand why he or she keeps tolerating the silent treatment thus not having a boundary so it can’t be used to get their own way over and over again. What you think is “learned behaviour” in people with quiet BPD is part of their maladaptive coping and defence mechanisms.

dragonfly 99 Blue I’m very glad this video was helpful! Take good care of yourself.

I hear you and understand the way it feels and is for you (and many). I would just like to point out that what many with Quiet BPD experience internally and then often distance from others for is often not meant to hurt anyone else and yet others are often hurt and puzzled because they too have needs.

River Ramblings Yes, it does. And especially when children's mental health is involved. In family relationship situations, vs boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife, there is an entire level of a different kind of complexity in the middle of the impossibility and again, when young children are getting hurt. I feel for you!

You are welcome! You will benefit in therapy at exploring where that response comes from in childhood. Better to resolve the trauma than to be given the words. I hear you. You might also, depending on what your childhood was like get assessed to see if you might be on the Autistic Spectrum.

Often, when people with BPD are scared it will lead to punishment. It’s not always manifested the same way and all people with BPD are not necessarily the same. Their defence of splitting is usually a high percentage predictor of vindictiveness and/or punishment sooner or later.

Queen’s1,001 Things Royally This happens. It means they cannot sustain a relationship and are not attached to you. When you a part too long they feel abandoned and devalue you. It would be in your best interest to continue with no contact. Things are not more important than your emotional well-being. What you describe cannot be a healthy relationship. Take care of yourself and if hoovered with promise of your things back, don’t fall for it.

@@survivingBPDbreakup Thank you so much for answering! I have the pass to his community and home and he has things at my home, but he has not contacted me for his things. He said he would help me move, but he did not know how to get my larger pieces of furniture to me. He said he did not want strange people in his home. I offered to get a moving company he said okay. I also offers to come move my things to a spare bedroom until I could move on 1 February, but he stop communicating. ( his devauling me process) When we split he goes to dating sites and drowns himself with someone else. I will continue no contact, but I want to get my things( about $ 10,000 worth of valuables) without, hurting more and destroying my dignity.

Queen's1,001Things Royally The best way to get your things now, and maintain no contact is to do it through the legal system. Itemize what he has that is yours and the value of each item and find receipts and any pictures you might have of the more valuable items. Perhaps a lawyer to write a letter and mediate (without you talking to your ex) on arranging your sending a moving truck, in a pre-arranged time with Police presence to keep the peace. People with BPD are notorious for holding people's belongings as a means of holding you hostage to when they will likely hoover to try to "get back" with you. Look for community help if not legal, and have a third party arrange this so that you can maintain no contact. Worst case scenario be prepared to prove what you left there in case you have to take him to civil court.

And your part in it would be? As in, why are you still there?

Not in all cases and Quiet BPD (Discouraged Sub-type) is an internalizing presentation of BPD. The withdrawal of the Quiet Borderlines is not (always) to punish at all that is the experiential by-product of their internalization. It is not correlated to the reason for withdrawal and/or ghosting.

You are very welcome

Maybe that’s what it insinuates in your mind but it certainly has nothing to do with what I’m saying nor is it even remotely my intention to suggests said. “Supposed quiet BPD” You say that is if it’s not a known and defined sub-type of BPD “Discouraged” sub-type. There is nothing supposed about it. I think a good way to distinguish between somebody with quiet borderline personality disorder and somebody who does not have BPD someone who needs more time to think about what happened or whatever the case may be And so needs time and wants to take space which is a really healthy way of dealing with conflict or any difficulty. The difference between a quiet borderline and the person who doesn’t have BPD taking time needing space is that they will communicate that in a reasonably healthy way. They won’t just disappear leave somebody guessing and then come back and not address anything that took place prior like people with “BPD often come back I don’t have anything to say about what happened because they can’t take personal responsibility. I don’t think it’s helpful to say that silence is better than rage I don’t think it’s a helpful comparison or contrast. When people pull away and are silent and don’t explain themselves as people with quite BPD often do and say nothing that can be as hurtful for people as when somebody with BPD rages at someone. Taking space in a mature way by communicating what you doing and why and when you’re gonna come back to discuss it is much better than angry outbursts but it’s not something that people with quiet BPD and cheated or capable of doing and they take no personal responsibility. I wonder where you’re coming from with this minimization and trying to sort of merge things together that don’t go together when there’s Quiet BOD and his people who don’t have that who can definitely take space and that I hope you thing to do but they were communicated as I’ve said. You say whenever you hear people discussing personality disorders it’s always black and white no, what I’m saying here and across all my videos is not black and white but what is black and white is the way the people with untreated borderline personality disorder present to those closest to them and hurt others whether knowingly or unknowingly. *Fact* So for some reason in your comment here you want to minimize by saying “we all have our ways of dealing with intense emotions and perhaps is true that the borderline feels things more intensely” oh it’s definitely true “whereas a non-borderline is able to manage the feelings or appropriately” - very true and then you say “this doesn’t mean that the borderline isn’t on a continuous hunt to try to manage their emotions in a healthy way”. For people with BPD to do that they need significant treatment. For people with BPD to be able to change heal and grow and manage their own emotions and take responsibility to communicate when they need space etc. requires as I said significant treatment They aren’t going to find a way to emotional maturity and finding self by “hunting” for it. Oh just “let them be who they are and let them try their best” - what minimization of the damage the incredible pain that people with BPD untreated cause others oh we’re just supposed to let them be and run all over everybody while people are in these trauma bonds with them and they have to get their own therapy and help but you’re minimizing and/or trying to justify BPD relational issues with you know “stay and try to love them or just leave” (That’s black & white) what a naïve borderline personality disorder protective minimizing narrative you’re sharing here. Sorry somebody with BPD who’s trying to say as so many do other people should just make up their own mind and leave or else love them because they have no personal responsibility and they’re not doing any harm and wow this has been a lot of minimization and I wonder why I get this on this channel often because I’m actually someone who when I talk about the issues of BPD mainly for those who’ve been hurt by someone with BPD I actually continue to humanize people with BPD and make distinctions about whether they’re untreated or not. I mean are you gonna go around all the other channels that are vilifying people And try to have this BPD responsibility-shirking narrative of yours fly? Then you say just love them and leave them “it’s really that simple” Nothing is simple in the trauma bonds between untreated borderlines and people often with codependency the non borderlines Getting their lives turned upside down. And then you say, “we are all just trying to work with the hand we have been dealt” Seems like you don’t see the other side the side of the non-borderline and what so many go through with minion and treated person with borderline personality disorder. If the hand that someone has been dealt includes a diagnosis of BPD then they need to take responsibility for getting into treatment because treatment works and people can heal and recover and there’s no excuse for those who will not seek treatment and continue to harm others. And the narrative you present here seems rather black-and-white in a bit so you’re trying to make it also simplistic sounds a lot like a typical borderline minimizing obfuscation of personal responsibility and hey if you can’t love the borderline just leave, what’s your problem? No! it’s not that simple at all. You might want to give us a whole lot more thought before you come along at least on this channel to tell me that I’m just another one of those whatever that talking about at all like it’s just black and white one that’s what you have presented here in your own way so you’re projecting that that’s what I’m doing it’s rather disingenuous and then on top of that you try to simplify this like what’s peoples problems, seriously you need to rethink this from wherever you’re coming with it.

@@survivingBPDbreakup I liked your response.I have a quiet bpd and I agree that my avoidant behavior is just as damaging as if I blew up and screamed at the person (I'm in therapy). But you wrote that in order for a person with PRL to want to find ways to regulate their emotions in a healthy way, improve their life, and generally go to therapy, they need serious treatment. But how exactly to motivate a person to go to therapy, if it is, for example, my aunt, who lives in hell and does not want to change anything and go to therapy, she has been sitting at home for several years in a terrible state, after breaking up with her husband, she has a downright psychotic state. I think I don't know what to do with it and how to motivate her.

@@viktoriakey4852 You are in your own therapy and you chose to get help - fantastic! You can only motivate yourself. The question you ask about your aunt is a codependent one. Be mindful that you can’t rescue or motivate her. You are your responsibility and she needs to find her own motivator or (sadly) not. Keep putting your energy into your own healing. That’s all you can have agency over.

@@survivingBPDbreakup Thanks for the answer. I thought about what you wrote, and before that you also wrote that there is nothing simple about untreated connections between untreated BPD and, for example, a child or just a family member, and it's just a closed circle from which you don't know how to get out . I have a family whose members all have mental disorders, they don't realize it, and only I went to therapy. It's so hard for me because of this, my brother developed a narcissistic disorder most of all, because his mother has BPD - I read that this happens often. Our family is borderline narcissistic. I don't know how to communicate with them and what to do, in my own therapy I am working on my own problems, but what about the family system that continues to affect me and my brother? How can the family system and relationships be treated? Do you need to distance yourself in this situation? And you wrote that "just leaving the borderline/narcissist" is not that easy at all.

I’m really sorry to hear what’s going on in your family of origin. I experienced this in my family of origin and I was the only one to seek treatment. I had to go full no contact from my FOO at age 27. I have not regretted that choice over all the 3+ decades since. You are in therapy - excellent! What you likely need to more deeply process is also Codependency recovery. You can’t rescue, change, or fix your family. You can’t rescue or save your NPD brother either. I have an NPD “brother” been no contact re him since 1988. You can only heal yourself and find peace, comfort and your purpose in life. I don’t know your entire situation but the healthiest way forward may well mean you need to detach and possibly go full no contact.

You bet

Dave ellson Thanks, hope it was helpful. There have been many books written about early childhood development and parenting. People that struggle parenting, often have a Cluster B personality or other mental health challenges/addictions etc. and all the books in the world don't reach people that are unaware of their responsibilities and how they effect others.

Interesting question. Here's my video response to your comment/question: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-Mk42HL-jJLs.html

@@survivingBPDbreakup thank you for this. I may ask for discount for inspiring more of your quality content.

+Lisa Lewis Glad! You are very welcome.

I’m glad it was helpful.