I always repress my anger and either I act passive-aggressive or explode on the poor soul that triggers me. I always feel bad for even experiencing anger in the first place towards others because I don't want to be a hateful person and I don't know how to regulate it.
Attachment theory addresses boundary issues. Figuring out what mine are, not assuming others have the same ones, and communicating about boundaries effectively solved so many hang ups for me that spiraled out of this issue. It wasn’t obvious to me how it all related because I had really unhealthy modeling growing up. I’m now more of a problem solver than conflict avoidant.
Short answer: see if you can assert yourself more and demonstrate boundaries healthily and tactfully. You shouldn't have to repress your emotions constantly, and if you do, you're probably in a bad workplace/family situation/friend group etc.
The best way to regulate it is to accept it and feel it more clearly. I haven't watched this video yet, but Dr. K always says that emotions are something that happen to you, not something you are. So let the angry feelings come up when they do, but don't blame yourself for them. It takes a while for your brain to start to understand that feelings of anger aren't themselves dangerous (and so it'll let you control/express anger more appropriately), so have some patience with yourself. But if you're already aware of your passive-aggression/explosion tendencies, you're in a good spot. Keep going!
It can be so demoralizing to be afraid of your own anger, so much so you can fall into depression and end up becoming passive aggressive all the time. Thanks to DBT and videos like this I am much less afraid of becoming angry. Now I can rely on myself to ride that wave and learn from it to make better changes in my life.
I know the feeling, when I was a kid/teenager I only knew how to express my anger physically, so by the time i got to adulthood I would just freeze up because I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I would actually really hope people would give me enough justification for me to be physical but it rarely happened. Things got better when I finally started learning to speak my anger. The vast majority of the time people handle it well and may even apologize if you express yourself maturely. It’s still tough sometimes when people go way over the line and I just want to hurt them physically but i don’t want to get fired/sued/arrested… but I also learned to simply use “flight” instead of “fight” sometimes. It’s actually in some ways more effective. If you’ve ever had someone walk away from you or avoid you, it feels pretty terrible.
I live in South Korea, a country that culturally represses any sort of negative emotion for the sake of reputation. This has led to a localized mental disease called "Hwabyeong" (화병). People with this disease are often elderly who have spent an entire life of unfairness, pushed down from others who are higher in the hierarchy system, yet unable to complain about it. This leads to a mind break where the individual is unable to confront his anger as a result of conditions that he perceives to be unfair.
I am recovering “nice” guy(which is just another term for spineless coward) under the guise of stoicism and turning the other cheek. I was raised this way(but I take responsibility) before I discovered how miserable I made me and others around me feel. I would get mad but smile it off so I don’t seem toxic(the irony). I repressed my emotions for so long that I suspect it’s one the causes of my cancer. I have learned to express myself even it means I’ll end up alone. Edit: thanks guys. This initial comment was to share my experience and I see others feel the same
Hey there, fellow stranger. I'd say that describing yourself as a spineless coward is so harsh... Perhaps that was the way you learned to interact in the world because you were afraid of being rejected and at the same time craving human connections. You deserve compassion, especially from you.
Being a stoic doesn't mean you stop feeling all your emotions or bottling them up it's being able to take in all emotions good and bad and evaluating them appropriately truly kind people are strong because they choose to be You deserve better than to talk down to yourself
This is exactly what my therapist told me when I was 21 years old and told her that I have issues with getting really verbally abusive when I get angry, becasue it is the pattern I learned with my own parents and didn't learn a better way to resolve conflict, she told me to step away from the situation and think about what exactly is going on within me, so that I can understand what exactly my frustration is and put that into more productive words, and since then I've gotten better at this. However, I have been in relationship with men that absolutely do not understand that I need to pull away from a conversation because I feel triggered. I literally tell them all that I have this issue where I become verbally abusive, and they enjoy it that I will apologise for that but never apologise for the same from their end, and I've had more than one guy tell me that I just can't take the heat from the argument. it's so frustrating because in the moment I just kinda hit a wall where I'm just disoriented because from my emotions I'm not able to tell if I've actually said something mean, or if it's just a guy manipulating me, because it all feels the same to me, which is why I need to step away and figure things out for myself before I make it someone elses problem, but then someone just stops me from doing that aswell. Like, this has been such an issue for me. It would be so easy to just say it's the trashy guys I date, but I don't think that mindset will help me improve myself either. Certainly I'm doing something to have gotten myself into that situation more than once.
I get angry when I'm lied to and ignored. I'm relentlessly honest with people and I expect them to be honest with me, because I don't believe anyone has an excuse to lie, barring life threatening situations. The emotions I feel are more than just anger though. There's a deep sense of grief and humiliation that comes with it too, because lies destroy my friendships and I'm dumb enough to believe them. I believe I'm owed an apology for being lied to, and often I'm told to just shut up and drop it. It leaves me feeling betrayed by the people I trusted without a sense of closure, a feeling that gets worse with time, not better.
I tried to fit to my ex’s bipolar disorder as best as a I could. He used his knowledge of my abandonment issues to insult and ghost me for maximum ouchies 😅
I feel just like you ... too many of my "friends" lie so much. It's gotten to the point where I get very very angry just thinking about it. At least I've gotten very good at detecting lies.
To be honest, alot of people are just reflexivley honest and like to think thats a virtue they have cultivated when in reality its just their personality. Often times people like this react quite strongly to people giving them honest truths and it can seem like a double standard from the outside.
I've been pretty much suppressing all my anger for the better half of the last decade because of bullying and gaslighting. From time to time, I get emotional spikes where I am angry at everyone and everything (but I don't take it out on anybody). I kind of feel like I don't even know when I am actually angry or even annoyed because I don't trust my mind and feel like problems are generally my fault anyways. How do people like me learn to recognize their emotions? I feel like that could be a good video topic (although I am only half way through this one, maybe I am getting some thoughts on this throughout)
I remind people when I am in conflict with them, and I need to discuss my boundaries and the consequences for crossing them, that the boundaries are not against them, they are for me and my sanity. I base my boundaries on my top values. That way no one can talk me out of them. I really don’t care if they don’t share my values… They can have whatever values they’d like to have… Yet the truth is that we cannot have true connection and vulnerability and safety in relationship with people with whom we do not share some of the most important values … We will not generally have our needs met in those spaces. We can generally only have surface relationships with people with whom we do not share the majority of values… We can have respect… But we generally cannot be close .
My anger and the anger of people around me is being one of the most common problem I had in my life so thank you infinitely for this video, it was really interesting
Dr. K, We need an episode diving into expectations and how to manage them. are all expectations bad, are some of them good? how can we investigate our own expectations to tell if they are helping or hurting (specifically in relationships plz).
Great video, Dr K. I had some childhood trauma, and spent my life carrying around a mountain of undigested emotions. Bout tow years back, I got into mediation and some spiritual stuff that helped me start to process it all. So I've been working my way through it, and made great progress. Tons of fear and pain and anger processed, owned, and put neatly back in place. But anger poses a bit of a conundrum. In just processing it, it has been healthy indeed. Through it, I have found the feeling "I am a person, I have as much right to feelings and needs as any other human being." Yes, I have been very much a doormat. Felt a bit like being in an abusive relationship with, like, humanity in general. I was a bite-my-tounge-and-stew kinda person. So, in one way I made a ton of progress on my anger. But I can't help feeling like sometimes, it's good to actually act on it. I mean, of course it is, especially if you can act on it in a measured way. However, as you say, it can sometimes have unwanted consequences. And I have become so acutely aware of other people's issues. Like, everybody have trauma. And the fact that I am half-decent at "breathing technique"-ing my way out of an anxiety attack make me feel like effin' Superman. Like, maybe better I tank the emotional hit, because I can take it. Anyway, it was good to hear it talked about and get to ponder it. I guess I just felt like sharing. Blessings to you, Doc. May the wind always be at your back when biking, and may you meet a chonky puppy to pet. :)
I've always been hot tempered and as a kid and teenager I used to be much more aggressive. Eventually I realized that's not socially acceptable and that I would have to control it if I wanted to move forward in life as an adult. I've gotten relatively good at controlling myself and not expressing the unjustified anger that I still often feel. The problem now is that now, when I am JUSTIFIABLY angry, I find it somewhat hard to unleash it and become forceful as I should!
I was literally just googling yesterday how to process anger and what the emotion tells us about ourselves (does it make us more honest? are we just more impulsive and less filtered? Where does anger come from? etc.) and here's Dr. K making a video about it lol. I guess I'm part of the "wtf is that timing with the video" club. Great video as always! Wildly informative : )
The thing is, if I’m in an argument and I get heated, sometimes I will try to understand what’s making me angry. When I realize I have inappropriate expectations, it leads to feelings of inferiority rather than relief
21:26 Its true. I work as an embedded software engineer (+2 YOE) even though I don’t have formal background in software and electronics. Some people don’t like that I have a nontraditional background for my job. But, it doesn’t what they think because I have a job and I’m being paid to do the work.
I've been feeling very angry for most of my life now, and the answers and the questions in this video are really helping me work my way to tone down the anger so i can be more calm and soft. Thank you
I get angry when i percieve people as abusing their position of power or not providing the service they claim to provide and bullying/mean girl behaviour.
Omg this topic on anger hits so close to home. I remember in my teens I internalized my anger a lot (anger towards bullies at school) and was taught to not react to the bullies verbal insults. I end up holding in so much anger that when I was in my early 20s I lashed out at people around me.
Anger can be super helpful! Like in the Honda adverts 'Hate somthing, enough to change something, enough to hate something change something make something betterrrrrr!!". I wish I didn't have alexithymia so I could express the tiniest bit of anger in a well timed "Hey... not cool" instead of feeling it burn then slowly figuring out why, then having to fix the situation when it's already started to escalate.
This was really helpful, as I've been processing anger recently. Still, when you talked about political or power dynamics outside of our control, I found myself wanting more consideration of interpersonal, and cultural manipulation and gaslighting. We can certainly have unreasonable expectations, but so too we can have reasonable or contextually sensible expectations based on being mislead or emotionally injured. Sadly I see this as super common. Other than unlearning unhelpful thinking, inappropriate expectations and creating healthy boundaries, I don't see good maps to address this, but I would love perspective on the process. I expect this is core to the healing work that perhaps most people have some need of. Thank you for your work 💮
When I consume content like this I always feel both glad that someone is taking effort to try to understand human patterns and disappointed because of how incomplete, limited, fragmented and cherry-picked our understanding of those patterns is. Like in this video for example, we're pretending like anger directed inwards doesn't exist. I guess it makes me frustrated because I've spent most of my life trying to fix my broken self and all of the science and knowledge continues to fail me to solve my problems, yet for some reason I'm always treated like it's my fault for not internalizing the "cure" rather than admitting that science can't help my case yet because we're still far from truly understanding human psychology.
Trauma therapy goes to the root of healing. It has to be physical work with the nervous system. Somatic Experiencing was the deepest and most integrative therapy I've done. Combined with general physical therapy, the right exercise, is the key to healing.
Hope u have the patience to read this and hope it helps: I mean he has talked about depression being anger turned towards the self before, so i'm guessing since he had to make the video short and concise, it was the available information about anger that was cherry picked during the making of this video(to not make it too long), and it isn't that we don't know a whole lot about anger, including anger that is turned towards the self? I also did see a comment saying somth along the lines of "If depression is anger turned towards the self, does that mean the thwarted expectation is who you are vs what you're supposed to be?" which was interesting Hope things get better for you, i believe in you, you got this. I'm sure if you keep trying you'll figure something out. Even if you're in a bad spot, i hope you can do what you need to do to make the best out of your situation.
Healthy anger is towards enemies who hurt your life and systems which oppress. Anger is best used to hone focus and be molded with adrenal response and a goal in order to gain heightened purpose and efficiency. Anger can save your life, or force you to right wrongs. But it's so strong that you shouldn't use it on the spot, especially around or towards others you care about. Only present anger to others in a refined manner, exactly where and when it needs to be directed.
I did not realize stopping your breathing can help. I used to be quite patient most of the time but since I've gotten depressed (and I have autism too), almost every minute thing makes me annoyed and/or angry and annoyance very quickly evolves into anger now. I have a much, MUCH shorter fuse. Well, I also sleep like crap so that fuels it, too. I will try the breathing thing. A problem I have as well though, is I can hardly move past things. Like, thinking about what made me angry yesterday, or last month, will make me angry all over again. How do you deal with that? For example, someone screws me over and I think back about it a month later and I get angry all over again. Or something dumb like a character dies in a show and I didn't like that at all, it will make me angry again even a year later if I think back about it. Or, game companies that scam people left and right nowadays. Many of my beloved franchises being flushed down the toilet, I can't put myself to playing some games I love just because I get angry when I think about what they have become. Or the news; I get angry all the time with all the bad stuff you see other people do to each other as I just cant understand it. When something has happened and is 'done' and cannot be changed or reacted to differently anymore, why do we still get angry again later? It seems to serve no purpose.
I've been summoning my anger lately. I went through a period of depression and severe anxiety, I was a mess, and I felt like I was no one. And I let people walk all over me, insult me, etc. Because I was a mess. I couldn't defend myself because, in my mind, I didn't deserve to stand up for myself in any form. My family especially. I've gotten myself back, and I know where I stand and what I won't tolerate. It's tricky to find a more stoic way to process that anger and still get your point across. But I can now see that it's healthy to use that anger in a more calm, assertive way. It will take time, but it's worth it. I've mostly been channeling anger into my workouts, especially when it's pretty bad, and I'm really frustrated 😂. It's the best workout! Also, metal music was always a way I used to feel the anger away from people and let it be and go.
WOW WOW WOW! I just found your channel (I’m not even a gamer) and your explanations and teaching style is phenomenal! Thanks for putting this out there! 👏👏💚
To add to the lecture: When it comes to assessing what we deserve, we need to take into account what the other person deserves, too. And do that going by THEIR values, not our own, when it comes to them!! Even then, what Dr.K said applies and is a direct shortcut to concentrating on your own agency within your reality, rather than trying to control things outside our control (even if it's sth. interal) based off an imagined ideal outcome!!
Thank you for talking about the option to step away. I grew up with a father who had anger issues, and when inevitably there was a fight or argument i would try to step away to calm down and try to express that. Unfortunately i would be followed so now I can kinda see how that has hindered my ability to control my anger. This has really helped a lot, thanks again.
Another thing to note about anger is that one of its primary functions is to motivate you to act, which is neither good nor bad. It can actually be exactly what you need in certain situations, just like any emotion.
Such an interesting topic. It would be good to also include that sense of privilege that so many people seem to have that makes them think they're entitled to things that they're really not. That then leads to that sense of unrealistic expectations and thwarted desire that can cause so much harm, especially in relationships.
I'm so angry all the time. I get angry about everything, especially at people who I live with, because I think I'm a bit obsessed with the tidiness of my home. And it's not like I'm super pedantic and everything has to be perfectly clean, but I have some really particular expectations about how every part part of the house should be cleaned and arranged and when something is not right I just can't stand it. But at the same time I'm scared of conflicts and arguments so I keep it all inside and never tell people that what I really think so I just explode intro shouting and cursing when I'm alone lol I hate being this way, but I just don't know how to change
Hey Dr. K, so yesterday this thing happened to me: I was at volleyball practice and throuought the time we were playing, everything seemed normal. As a player, as a guy, as a human fair play and my own sense of shivelry matters a whole tone to me. Usually, making points, winning or losing sets doesn't affect me in the same way as others around me, for better and for worse. So imagine me missing 3 or 4 attacks and a serve, causing me to grin my teeth in raging anger and wrath at my performance. I literally squatted down for 5 seconds and let my emotions cross every inch of my face, couldn't have been a pretty sight. We lose that set. I'm incredibly upset. We get to play one last short set and what happens? I'm up for serve. All the shame, all the frustration, all my anger - I didn't choose to suppress those emotions this time, I dug deep into them somehow. What followed was the best serving series I have ever accomplished in 2 years of volleyball. I serve a standing float and due to a lack of focus, I tend to get 3 - 4 good shots in. This time I served 9 bombs in a row. Afterwards, my buddy, our coach and myself have a word. Coach asks me: You're hitting incredibly consecutive shots with that speed, power and determination while being angry. What does that reveal about yourself? When you're angry, you're with yourself - you're on target. You say to yourself: I want it. Anger doesn't have to be a destructive emotion, as long as you're able to channel it the right way. Here's my question: How do I tap into this state of mind in a controlled manner? The thing is, I ingore my anger as early as it starts to take shape in me. Consciously, I wouldn't let it happen. Yesterday I sort of snapped. I mean, I didn't yell at anyone. I didn't hurt anyone (my biggest fear in life). But I let myself be angry. I recognized being angry. It gave me strength and unknown focus. It was a real rush for me. How can I let myself be angry if I fear hurting others?
I get the feeling that this position towards anger comes from stoicism. While I completly respect everything that Dr. K says and I can see how this way of approaching anger may be helpful given the context provided, there are some instances in which I think it is appropriate to get angry at people/situations which you cannot control. Dr. K hasn't brought up any instances where a person might experience real, actual injustice and where they'd have to deal with material consequences of that injustice. I feel angry about injustice in the world all the time, from climate change to wealth inequality. My anger is a powerful force that motivates my activism. If I didn't have a healthy outlet for this anger, I know it would turn unhealthy and it has in the past. Although I cannot be sure that any of my actions will ever have an impact on the world, I feel incredibly suspicious of the stoic attitude to anger. Many people have a justified reason to be angry, the solution isn't to try to let go of the anger or to rationalise it away; the solution is to find a healthy outlet. I just thought that this is the one thing that's missing from this video.
I couldn't put a label on my feeling until now.anger. all week it's been anger. I feel so ashamed to just be angry. Because I know it's over inappropriate expectations.
Summary: Healthy Anger- Is a response to one's boundaries being violated. Unhealthy Anger- Is a response to perceived entitlements and/or expectations not being met or fulfilled. Anger activates the sympathetic nervous sytem via the Flight/Fight Response. While the FF response is active, we have poorer judgment, and the ability to see nuance or shades of grey in situations presented to us. One of the best ways to exit FF Mode is to slow breathing. Hold breath for 10 seconds, and then breathe deeply. Anger usually involves other people, so excusing yourself and walking away to calm down is a good strategy. "Frustrated" is a word you might use. Chronic Anger is often a result of inappropriate expectations. An example would be having a transactional relationship with someone, in which the expectation of a return on the transaction is not discussed, and then feeling resentment when there is no return.
I was thinking about this, I feel a lot of anger and I try not to express it because I know that when I express it, I'm scared that I will hurt that person. There have been times when certain situations in the past randomly pop up in my mind and I instantly feel anger.
After more than a decade of narcissistic abuse from my stepdad I can't get angry anymore, even if someone would punch me in the face out of nowhere, or if i needed to get angry to assert boundaries. Its like I got angry too frequent and too intensely that my brain just decided "this emotion is detrimental in your particular home, better get rid of it permanently". It stops me from living authentically and stepping up for myself. Wondering when I will feel like a nornal human again experiencing a nornal range of emotion.
The breathing tip is great because of the neurophysiological implications. I've said it a few times but i wish Dr K would go on Andrew Hubermans podcast. Having Huberman and K connect psychological to physiological would be a hell of an episode
The only thing I'd push back on a bit here is the idea that it's unhealthy to feel "entitled" to simply being recognized for working very hard on the job. Sure, being promoted often involves more than simply doing very well at an existing job, especially since promotions usually place you into a position with a different set of skills and tasks entirely i.e. a manager or supervisor position. But if you're constantly feeling taken for granted, stressed out, yet not truly recognized or appreciated for your efforts regardless of any desire to promote, I'd say that's an issue of establishing boundaries in the workplace, which is common, or a dysfunctional/toxic work environment, which can also happen.
At the end of the day, we cannot control what emotions we feel when we are exposed to a stimulus. We can only allow ourselves to feel them, perhaps even express how we feel (with respect) and let them pass. If you are angry, you may even need to diffuse the situation - "When you said____, this has made me angry. I need to have 30 minutes away from you to regulate my emotions. After that, can we come back together to talk about this please?" Such a tricky subject, especially because it's sometimes people closest to us who we inflict our anger upon. Great video Dr K.
Hey, as girls we are thaught to controll our anger and possibly not express it at all. It's a struggle because once I admit before someone that I am angry I feel terrible... I understand that it's a normal human emotion - still it is hard not to be ashamed of my state. So I look like a rock, I have no expression of anger whatsoever and this feeling of boiling inside...
Hello! Don't know if you're reading the comments, but I wanted to acknowledge one important nuance regarding boundries (and thus healthy anger). While we do not control directly what other people do and how they behave - there are systems in the world that do exactly that. The law controls what people should and should not do. The moral codex and ethic norms (varied depending on the social circle like country or religion, but in the context of that circle) dictate how people should and should not behave. Humans don't have their "territories" anymore that we marked and no one should break into - instead we have ephemeral made-up zones (like "safety from being stabbed on the street" or "your spouse should not cheat") that can be violated. In an example where you date someone you can't make the other person fall in love with you - BUT if they accept your romantic pursuits they basically sign a moral contract "I wanna be in a relationship with this person, I should not cheat on him". So understanding your expectations is crucial not only to manage them when they are too high and you feel falsly entitled - but also to realize when your expectations are based on something and other people violate them and you should do something about it. In this day and age it's very important not to overdo with humbleness and not to make yourself a scapegoat for others. Everything is good in moderation.
Over time I learned how to manage my anger because the rate of stress, the cortisol hormone is not good for the body. I finally let go of everything and say me that everything is okay. I don't rebel anymore and could appear to be listless and flaccid but It's better for my health and my mind. Earth is not a good place to live in anyway
This is what I see in many people who get upset over not getting paid, not getting the contract they think they deserved, not getting promoted, and all that. What could be more destructive, is that they start to overanalyze the situation or in a sense completely be blinded of everything else and claim as if the game was rigged. First, you don't really know if the game was rigged for your particular individual case. Bringing up general sexism/racism/bigotry doesn't make any sense since that's merely a statistical thing and it doesn't necessarily apply to individuals. Second, even if it was rigged, now you know that you should be going somewhere else. And if you don't want to go somewhere else because you really like the job or something, then you have to set your priorities clear and stop being resentful. You can't change other people, so you have to figure out how to live in such environment.
I feel like expectations is sa good way to understand anger, but just as you pointed out people can feel they deserve something without being angry, people can also not expect something and not be angry about it. And they can also expect someone to act a certain way and still be angry about it. I think it has more to do with what people feel they need to be *able* to expect in order to function. They need to feel like their work means something, for example. They need predictability in a certain area.
This is something that I know already because I have had to go through many instances where I had no controll over something that negatively affected me and the people I care about. I started learning about stoicism which is all about this exactly. It helped alot. Even the healthy anger part, I had to learn the hard way and all of what K said here is true. On a different note, when I play League and I do well but my team mate feeds it doesn't really bother me. Because I know that I played well in the part of the game that I had most control over. But also because I have a fat ego, and when someone on my team feeds I get into the mindset of "they fed, but I desserve a higher rank because I am so good I'll win regardless of how bad my team is doing." Then I set the expectations to be me winning even when they play bad, and if I lose, it wasn't unjust, because I expect myself to be good enough to win anyway.
People will abuse you and use you all while maintaining a seemingly neutral or reasonable tone to avoid giving you a chance to confront them. Anger can help you burst through that manipulation when there may be no normal moment to confront it. Sometimes that can be enough to create a change. The change might be unpredictable though.
Are there any other causes of inappropriate anger as an entitlement? If someone cuts in front of me at the checkout, or drives past a traffic jam to get into the right lane, it's not the fact itself that pisses me off the most, but the fact that this person gets away with it. I have decided to behave socially and follow the rules but then I see that audacity wins. Or for example relationships. If I invest time and feelings in a person and it doesn't work out between us, simply because it's not compatible, then I feel sad, but not angry. But if I make an effort and the other person acts hard to get but it seems like I still have a chance and then suddenly someone new gets involved in this dynamic and from then on the person I want only has eyes for the new person and it works out almost effortlessly between them, then I'm angry. I don't think the person I went out of my way for owes me anything, I don't feel entitled either. I just don't begrudge them.
These are cases that contain a mix of both!! In the case pf traffic, the valid anger is concerned with safety! The invalid part, is the unrealistic expectation that all people are to value safety to the same degree & enforcers of law are to have the capacity to pin down all wrongdoers. On top of that, if you are angry "I have decided to behave socially and follow the rules", then you have NOT decided to do so for the sake of doing so! 😉 Which is normal. But be aware that there is a part of your ego that doesn't like to have to do it and thus, creates anger in such moments. Aka the current price of (physical/emotional/mental) labor that you invest into "being a decent person" appears to be currently too high!!!!!! Which means you can asses which parts of that burden you CAN control, and lighten that burden and give yourself more down time in places where you do not require labor to exist in regulated manner. In the second example, you make a lot of assumption on the other person and invest a lot to then blame the responsibility of your investment onto them, rather than owning that you are investing beyond healthy means. That fuels anger. If you did not literally communicate that you are in courting process, then the expectation for exclusive courting is also a part of unreasonable expectations. And getting upset due to the expectation that "lack of high compatibility" entitles you to time and space to work on the adjustments while noone with coinscidentally "higher compatibility" is expected to stay out of the field ....... do you see the problem? Where in this picture do you care for the best outcome for her, by the way? So here, we have the very sneaky expecation that you are to be the best outcome and the best outcome for her is to stand back behind your claim to "give up" on the chance. I am, by the way, in no way saying this to shame you. These are valid reactions to various situations. What i'm pointing out, are the loopholes that can enable you step out of the emotional deadlock of anger in order to freely invest into new actions. Aka these are the "shutdown buttons" for (ATTENTION!!) logging out of anger when it does not serve you in order to e.g. make good decisions like emotionally detaching from an opportunity that did not work out. Or to help you regulate to an appropriate level of investment. You need more instant gain, actually! Do not invest that way. Be with a potential partner for the sake of being there, not the sake of claiming them. Do treat your intentions openly and communicate expectations of exclusivity OR use the buttons to be care enough for both of you to allow negotiation phase to fail if life brings in a match that is easier to sustain. What if it was the reverse case? What level of anger would you find acceptable if you were getting used to a person and then someone appears where just vibe from the get go? :'D
Based. Keep doing that, more people need to assert dominance nowadays. The world hates us, and we should hate the world in return, that's how things should be.
I never watched a video where someone confidently proclaims that animals have actual feelings. I was always told they are basically just instinct and programming. And now I wonder which one's right.
Animals have feelings. They are like us when we meditate. Fully present - feeling beings without thought. They also have needs like us: need for exploration, play, challenge and autonomy. One day it will become clear how cruel we are to animals.
13:13 I have met more people that get all weird and won’t let you just go cause they think you have to get that sorted out right away, than people that will just give you space. I don’t know why that is but I wouldn’t tell someone that but just that I need space.
Ah this makes so much sense about the expectations. Trusting in God has helped me so much lately and I think part of that is having less expectations and letting go so that God can take care of the rest. I have felt so angry and foolish. All I had to do was to let go. Amazing.
One time I got mad at *Roblox*. I got so mad that I wanted to destroy myself. I started watching “underground subliminals” that would make me do stuff like have schizophrenia. Now I have it, and I regret it. See how bad anger can actually be, even if it doesn’t seem bad.
Dr. K, can you please make a video about delayed sleep phase syndrome (and the connection to ADHD)? I need to prove to my friend that it’s a real thing.
Oooh..Just in time. I just recently (today) processed myself enough to realize that only thing of feelings I am capable of recognizing in moment is anger, even more like fury. After few weeks I can actually tell better what I was feeling. Upd. 16:40 sad but true. I remember being pissed at all the systemic disriminating stuff, but then fully understood that human rights like very modern and not exactly wide spread concept. So. They are not granted and not guaranteed. Became less angry about that, still helping out those who trying to change things around for me. But from more calm place. Upd. 21:21 still worry about other people though - kinda want to stay alive for most of the time, so need to pay attention.
Sadly I've suppressed my anger since like I was 14 years old because I associated my anger with my father's and I didn't want to become like him. Suppressing one emotion dulls out all the rest. For the last 5 or so years, I've been unable to cry. I'm 30 years old now and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
I use anger to motivate myself to finish something I am stalling to do. I just get pissed and...I do it. I also use it to avoid being afraid of nothing.
Right, don't expect anything back, do it because I believe it's the right thing to do. Don't build walls around someone, don't dam up our rivers, just let it flow Edit: Thanks Dr.K, good video
Thanks for the video! I know quite a number of people amongst those who are dear to me who suffers from anger issues (including myself and the lack of it). However they all only speak Brazilian portuguese, and i really wanted to share this knowledge w/them. Could i perhaps subtitle you video for them?
my problem is I expect people to respect boundaries and they dont understand that concept lmao. so yeah stepping away or telling them I'm mad won't work :c still idk what is less healthy, bottling it up or letting it out, cuz I've seen people say both things.
I think it’s totally normal to have a certain sense of being violated in situations like that… And what I also do as I look for patterns in people… If I see that certain people in my life are continually pushing at me, that way… I see that is information that they are not emotionally safe people to be involved with and i.e. act accordingly… Sadly, sometimes that means moving them out of my life completely… Otherwise I’ll be beating my head up against the wall all the Time… It definitely is not easy and I think this is probably one of the biggest parts of anger that many people struggle with so you are not alone. Dang that’s some awful voice text up there 🫨😹
Waiting too long to express the reasons of my anger doesn't work for me. Sure, acting immediately is shooting yourself in the foot, but I realize I often just swallow my anger and it becomes much harder to express it at all later on.
Thank you for making me understand my brain so much more. I have a question though. My feelings are always focused on me personally, I always beam my rage, hate, anger, frustration inwards. Is this because I have so high expectations on myself? And how do I deal with my extremely high expectations? 😢
I suffer from low frustration tolerance and the way thing have been playing out for the millennial generation frequently upsets me. We were told “go to college, get a long term career and you’ll have enough to get a house and retire in 30-40 years.” We were told this by the boomers and Gen Xers. It worked for them, but between rising healthcare, housing and college costs, and increasing income inequality and our wages not being enough with increasing inflation, most if not all of that seems out of reach. Our future is uncertain and it was made worse between the 2008 housing crash and the pandemic. It feels like the millionaires and billionaires are stealing our future and we’re just being told to suck it up and grind harder. Is it any wonder I’m angry and wish more of my peers were activated enough to try a real general strike? Does it seem like my anger is unjustified? Is it entitlement when we were told these things throughout our educational lives?
Could you make a video on what it's like to be unable to feel anger. My parents raised me with a lot of anger, and being angry back or trying to defend myself only ever made things worse. I've been working on it in therapy, and I think it's something many people have gone through but don't even realize the result of.
1. It takes time for the results to turn in, and 2. they don't come with a big sticker upfront. It's not like one morning you wake up and you have changed big time. For me, oftentimes it was more like: "Well, six months ago, it would have handled this situation I just experienced far less confidently." And those were the moments I noticed I had changed.
Depends on the context. People say anger is irrational in humans, but when the trainer explains cat psychology to me he says that anger is always a rational and natural response to something. Now anger can influence aggressive behaviour and that may cause problems, but eliminating anger is like medicating depression when your whole environment is beyond fucked.
@@harrypoderskis One was what Dr. K said anger is, and the other is what Jaak Paanskepp said. He was a famous researcher on emotional circuits in the brain. It's a general definition, if you think about it, almost everything that would get you angry would fit under these definitions. If you disagree, how about you name some of those thousands of things?
Anger is an emotion. Emotions are neither good nor bad, they're just emotions. It's only what we do with our emotions that makes it either good or bad. if you could harness your anger and do something productive, good. if you're consumed by your mindless anger, then bad
As a child I used to get so angry I would have an outer body experience. I was barely human at that point. For example if someone hit me I would attack them and anyone who tried to stop me including my friends. At that point I'd be having an outer body experience watching myself beat up my friends. Inwardly I would be begging myself to stop. Thank god it doesn't happen to me anymore. What is that tho?
Damn, maybe u had a whole Lot of anger as a child, used to get pretty angry too but never to that extent, although I would struggle to control myself with my friends
The average experience watching a Dr K videos be like: Me: "My insecurities come from within myself. Of course I know that". Dr K: " Your insecurities come from within yourself" Me: "Damn I never thought of that from that perspective"
